LA to Vegas (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
The Affair
1 - Cheers! - [WHOOPING.]
ARTEM: Hey, Ronnie.
Ronnie! Oh, hey, what is it, Artem? I'm not very happy right now.
If I were an emoji, I would be frown face.
Oh, if this is about your cologne, I already told you, you can't bring that stuff on board, they use it in explosives.
No, that's a separate infuriating issue.
This is about luggage.
Now Jackpot charge ten dollars for carry-on.
This fee is no good for gambling profit.
I know, it sucks.
It's just Jackpot following the other airlines' lead.
They're squeezing out every dollar they can.
It's better than when they tried charging for overhead bassinets.
[BERNARD AND PASSENGERS GASP.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [BABY COOS.]
I still have nightmares about the babies I didn't catch.
Oh.
Well, I'm outraged.
I'm gonna give this flight zero stars on Airbnb.
Okay.
Wait, um, how about I let you use the beverage cart, so you can make that weird tomato juice iced tea thing you're always talking about? I can finally make an Artem Palmer? You have deal, Ronnie.
Oh.
If I were emoji now, I would be smiley face or lady in the bathtub.
Because I pamper myself.
Have to admit, pretty impressive how you handled that.
I was expecting cologne to start exploding any minute.
I know how to manage my passengers.
It's my job to know what they need.
They're my people.
Like, uh, like that guy.
That's James.
He always shows up for his flight so drunk, he forgets the name of his hotel.
So, I write it down for him.
Hey, James.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh, the Wynn.
Sober me must be doing pretty good.
And that's Ben.
He says he's here visiting family, but I'm pretty sure he's just stalking Nichole.
- Stalking Nichole? - Oh, he's harmless.
It's her other stalker, Kristen, we really have to worry about.
And that's Dean.
He's always one of the first to board, orders his coffee black, two sugars, and every week, flies with his lovely, lovely wife who is suddenly blonde and 20 years younger.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
- [PASSENGERS GIGGLING.]
- WOMAN: I got it, I got it.
[PASSENGERS CHATTERING.]
Oh.
You have to pay to open it now.
Oh, I see.
So they're holding my biography of Patty Hearst hostage up there.
Well, it could be worse.
I heard VegasAir has a staircase fee just to get off the plane.
DAVE: This is your captain here with a little reminder.
Now that marijuana's legal in Vegas, you deserve to treat yourself to a little puff, a Korean massage and a sandwich.
So head on down to Kim Bong Dill's Dispensary, Spa and Deli.
Supreme leader says, "It's the bomb.
" GWEN [OVER RADIO.]
: Jackpot 529, winds 280 at ten.
Should be a smooth flight.
It is now that I'm talking to you, Gwen.
GWEN [OVER RADIO.]
: Always the charmer, Captain Dave.
Once you get to Vegas, feel free to buzz my tower and say hi.
Will do.
I'll be the handsome brunette flying a plane.
I think ATC Gwen likes you.
Nah, she's just a flirt, that one.
I don't know, she doesn't talk to other pilots like that.
You should ask her out.
[LAUGHS.]
: Yeah, right.
A pilot dating an air traffic controller? [CHUCKLES.]
Can you imagine? Yeah.
It wasn't that hard.
- [BUZZES.]
- [COLIN GROANS.]
Hey, as a frequent flyer, I'm used to this plane being a capitalist hell state, but I'm swiping my credit card and my seat won't recline.
Oh, it looks like the guy behind you paid double to keep yours in the upright position.
Well, in that case, how much would it cost to scream into a pillow? Um Nothing to scream, but a pillow is ten dollars.
Oh! I take it back, screaming is five.
I'll pay $50 for a drinks cart to block my view of those two.
You want to know the most disgusting part about them? I saw it.
He touched his armrest, then touched her face.
Best she can hope for now is debilitating pink eye.
No.
That guy's cheating on his wife, and that poor girl probably has no idea.
He's not wearing his wedding ring.
Wedding rings don't mean anything.
Rock Hudson had one, and I had Rock Hudson.
How old are you? Nichole, you're a woman.
Back me up here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your generation is so obsessed with labels.
But, yes, as a cis female polyamory-tolerant monogamist, I find cheating repulsive.
But, as a stripper, cheating is the backbone of my industry, and mama can recline her chair all she wants.
[CARD SWIPES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
This whole thing is disgusting.
- Thank you.
They make you pay now just to recline your seat.
Back in the old days, we'd carve our complimentary roast beef right in the aisle.
I'm losing track of this conversation.
Let's everybody go around and say what we're angry about.
So far, I've got cheating, gender labels and roast beef.
- OTHER: Yes.
- Okay, good to know.
Hey, Ronovan.
- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.
Let's say there's a woman I know, professionally, and wanted to ask her out.
- That'd be okay, right? - No.
Let's say it was okay.
How would I, you know, do that? - Do what? - Ask her out.
[SIGHS.]
I'm about to be brave and tell you something personal here.
You see, I haven't asked a woman out on a date since my last divorce.
Oh, you're a good person to ask about this.
Didn't all your ex-wives cheat on you? Yes, that's right.
So, if there had been someone to expose the situation, that would've been a good thing, right? Well, yeah, that's why for number three, I hired a P.
I.
But he just got himself in on the action.
This is helpful.
Thanks, Dave.
Wait, we never talked about me.
Oh, you having trouble tricking woman into love.
Listen.
Here's what you say: "I spend most of my time in the clouds, but you are real angel.
" I'm not taking love advice from someone who mixes tomato juice and iced tea.
I don't mix.
I stir with a tiny sword.
So you're just gonna walk right up to that girl and tell her he's married? Have you considered she might already know and doesn't care? Oh, now you're being rational? Last week, you tried to get someone kicked off the plane for watching La La Land.
I don't need Ryan Gosling to whitesplain jazz to me.
I'm overhearing all this.
I'm not eavesdropping.
You're both screaming, and it all sounds terrible.
Okay, intervening in other people's lives is such a poor idea, I'm actually ignoring my own advice to intervene and tell you that.
How come when I butt into other people's lives, I'm nosy, but when Bernard does it, he's charming? Well, it's just a likability issue.
Look, I know you think you're being helpful, but it's not your place to tell this woman anything.
You're her flight attendant, not her friend.
Up here, I'm friend, bartender, human rights champion.
That African-American man wanted to sit in the back row.
He was with his friends.
Look, this girl deserves to know what she's getting involved in.
I'm trying to help her.
Just watch, I'm gonna save her 20s without her even noticing.
No, Ro [SIGHS.]
Hi, let me know if you guys need anything.
Oh, that's a nice shirt.
Did your wife get that for you? [SCREAMS QUIETLY.]
Did you see that? I just lit the fuse on a ticking time bomb.
If it's a time bomb, it wouldn't have a fuse.
Yeah, I believe it would have a timer.
Okay, then I lit the timer.
Who cares? Just watch.
Looks like the fuse went out.
We just agreed it didn't have a fuse.
Perhaps we should all stop talking about bombs? - WOMAN: What? - BERNARD: Yeah.
- Okay, that's enough screen time for you.
- [GROANS.]
GWEN: Hey there, JP 529.
Hey, Gwen.
Where you been? Cheating on me with other planes? No way.
You know I'm a Jackpot girl.
I bet you say that to all the airlines.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GWEN LAUGHS.]
GWEN: I'm gonna need you to turn right heading 060.
As you wish.
Anyway, I was thinking, and call me a relief pitcher, because this is coming out of left field I spend all my time with angels in the clouds Anyway, nothing.
[EXHALES.]
Did you just have a stroke? DAVE: You're not supposed to be in here, so let's make this quick.
I just need you to help me ask out Gwen.
Okay.
You do like this: "Gwen, I'm not a man who easily says feelings.
"But when that flying love baby hits you, "you have to answer the call.
"I believe the airplane gods connected us for a purpose, and that purpose is for the making of love.
" Hey, Gwen.
This is Jackpot Five-Two-Niner, just letting you know that I'm not a guy who opens up easily, but when you're shot by Cupid's arrow, you have to act.
"Cupid.
" That is name.
I think this universe put us on this radio for a reason.
And that reason is to take you out for a steak dinner tonight.
You don't have to answer right now, just think about it.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
How does it feel? Feels good.
In fact, it feels real good.
Okay, because you just said that to the whole plane.
- - DAVE [OVER INTERCOM.]
: is to take you out for a steak dinner tonight.
You don't have to answer right now, just think about it.
You can get out now.
Please, can I stay until a bird explodes on the windshield? Get out.
Come on, Dave.
We talked about this.
No passengers in the cockpit.
I guess I'm wrong.
Maybe she does already know he's married.
Or maybe she had earbuds in and didn't even hear me.
- I have another chance.
- Oh, please don't.
Secondhand embarrassment kills 13 Englishmen a year.
So what? I'm just supposed to sit back and do nothing, while that poor, naive girl falls deeper into love? With no idea that the reason her name is "IKEA" in that guy's phone is not a cute reference to where they first had sex, but to hide her from his chiropractor wife, and by the way, if he ever thinks he's getting his Jethro Tull T-shirt back, he's out of his mind.
Excuse me.
Oddly specific.
Who was he? His name was Eric.
I met him in junior college in Bakersfield.
He was older.
Swept me off my feet.
Vacations, fancy dinners.
Those movies where the actors are, like, right there.
You know they're called plays.
Anyway, I dropped out of school, and moved to L.
A.
to be with him, only he was a little too busy with his wife.
Do you know what I would've given to have someone who could've warned me? I feel terrible that that happened to you, but even if this were any of our business Which again, to be clear, it's absolutely not This is hardly the time or the place to be delivering such delicate news.
I mean, for God's sake, we're three feet away from a Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator.
For legal purposes, I'm just a "gender-fluid rum pirate.
" Fine.
God, I liked you better when you kept your rational ideas to yourself.
Okay, so from my experience, the way to get a woman's attention is to completely ignore her.
Or buy her an island.
Like a kitchen island? No, like an island island.
Like, "Treasure" or "Long.
" GWEN: Vegas approach, Jackpot 529, level 15,000.
Wait, no, this is your chance.
Just play it cool, don't answer.
GWEN: Jackpot 529? 529, can you hear me? 529, are you there? Dave? Dave.
Oh, my God.
We've lost comm with Jackpot 529.
[BUTTON CLICKS.]
No, we're here.
We're fine.
JK, JK.
GWEN: What the hell is going on there? Why did you answer? You totally had her.
You know we're charging to lower tray tables now? They've taken all the dignity out of flying.
Judy Garland once said she had the best bowel movement of her life after eating a salmon mousse on a TWA flight to Paris.
Now look what we've become.
DYANA: Excuse me.
Oh, hi.
This is embarrassing to ask, but am I doing something wrong? Wow.
Okay.
I-I mean, I know that it's not really my place to say anything, but I know when it happened to me, I blamed myself for a really long time.
So I guess my question is, how much do you know? I know that the little slide says "vacant," but I can't get the door open.
Am I, am I doing something wrong? - [LAUGHS.]
: Oh.
No, yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I mean well, I mean, no, you're not, you're not.
It's we, um, we're just we're charging 50 cents to use the bathroom now.
Or you could get a potty pass for $9.
99.
But you know what? This one, um - This is on me.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
I'm sorry.
What did you think I was talking about? What's that? - This is decaf, right? - Sure.
Before you judge me, I'm gonna start at the end.
She is so happy I said something.
Something to who about what? Dyana, the mistress.
I told her Dean is married.
And then, we planned a lunch, but I'm probably gonna cancel.
You told her? Didn't we agree that was a bad idea? It just happened.
We had this delightful bathroom misunderstanding, and we started talking, and then we were hugging, and then she got mascara on my shoulder, which I said don't worry about, but it does kind of bother me.
"Mascara on my Shoulder.
" Isn't that the title of a Joan Collins memoir? Now, is that a real question, or a burn? I honestly have no idea with him.
She was upset, yes, but she was also so sweet, and so grateful to know the truth, and maybe I will do that lunch with her.
And you're okay being trapped with these people in an enclosed space 20,000 feet up? She promised that she wouldn't say anything until we landed, and she'd totally leave me out of it.
You're married? You son of a bitch! What? - Who told you that? - Her.
[PASSENGERS MURMURING.]
[HUFFS.]
Well, that lunch is totally off.
I have no idea what she's talking about.
Oh, really? Why would she lie to me? DEAN: I have no I don't know.
Hey, Kelly.
Gary.
Anything to drink? Okay.
Artem.
You want some pretzels? Hey, I'm sorry, Ronald, but I would prefer you stay out of my personal business, okay? Are pretzels that personal? Yeah, the way I eat them, they are.
Oh, yes.
What's going on? All the passengers are acting so weird.
Can you blame them? They just saw what happens when you let Hurricane Ronnie into your life.
No, I was trying to help.
Nichole, you get that, right? Please don't tell my dad I strip at Grapefruits.
Also, don't tell Grapefruits I love my dad.
It's a real bummer for customers.
No, I I thought I was doing something good.
I love my passengers.
They're my people.
I mean look.
James, hey, I-I wrote down the name of your hotel again in case you lost the first one.
I don't want it.
Take this.
It's a note for you to give to sober me, telling drunk me not to let you give me notes anymore.
GWEN: Hey there, Jackpot, you're cleared I-L-S two-eight right for landing.
Copy that, and can I just add congratulations on being a strong woman in the workplace? GWEN: Aw, thanks.
So, I guess it's time to sign off? Come on, Captain, ask her out.
She's your sky-mate.
Captain Dave likes you and he wants to ask you out.
Bye.
GWEN: Sorry, Jackpot, could you repeat? Uh, yeah, Gwen.
[SIGHS.]
There's a bar in terminal "C" next to the noodle place with the great DAVE AND GWEN: Noodles.
- [GWEN CHUCKLING.]
- DAVE: Would you want to go and grab a drink with me when we land? GWEN: It's about time you asked.
Copy that.
And prepare for landing.
Hey! Captain Dave! I knew you had it in you.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, I've been out of the game for a minute.
How far do people go on first dates these days? I've heard butts are very popular right now.
GWEN: Still here, Jackpot.
Thank you.
Thank you for flying Jackpot.
I'm still your friend you can trust me with your secrets.
Hey.
Black coffee, two sugars to go? I don't know who the hell you think you are, but what I do is none of your business.
What? You think just because we fly on the same plane, that you have this unique insight into our lives? That's pathetic.
You are a nobody to the people on this plane.
And when we want something from you, we'll hit the call button.
I'm sorry, is there a problem? Stay out of it, Frenchie.
[WHISPERS.]
: Frenchie? Hey.
Hey, hey.
Um, you all right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just [GROANS.]
You were right, I was really stupid to get involved is all, I Excuse me.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, my God.
[SIGHS.]
Um, hi.
Excuse me.
Uh, yeah, you.
Um, I don't know exactly what it is you said to that flight attendant back there, but she's pretty shaken up, so I think What is it with all you people? Why can't anybody on that plane mind their own business? Hey, buddy, I'm the lord chancellor of "mind your own business," but that woman you accosted, she is my business.
So, if you were any kind of man, you would go back in there and you'd apologize.
Oh, I will show you exactly what kind of man I am if you don't get out of my face, Gérard Depardieu.
Gérard Depar I'm clearly English.
You, on the other hand, you're a bully and a philanderer.
I really wish you didn't just poke me.
- Why? What are you gonna do? - [DROPS BAG.]
You gonna hit me? No, I'm gonna detain you.
[ALL GASP.]
DEAN: You have no idea who you're dealing with, buddy.
Whoa, what's going on? Did Frenchie do something wrong? COLIN: What? I'm the one being assaulted.
Yeah, by an air marshal.
Wait, you're an air marshal? Yes.
And that woman I've been flying out with every week was my trainee.
Dyana is my girlfriend.
Huh.
Oh, my God, that is the first time you called me your girlfriend.
Well, that's what you are, baby.
COLIN: Aw, that's nice.
I have a date tonight, too.
So, the good news is they're letting you go with a stern warning.
Bad news is, we have definitely ruined the start of Dean's vacation.
You know, as I sit here, rapidly losing feeling in my hands, It does occur to me: shouldn't you know the air marshals on board? They stopped telling me and Bernard a while ago because we were abusing the system.
Can I have a coffee and a water? Hey, Air Marshal, you need to tase this bitch.
For what it's worth, thank you for sticking up for me like that.
It was kind of badass hearing you be all like, [IMITATES COLIN.]
: "She is my business.
" - Wait, what accent is that? - French.
Clearly.
But really, I appreciate it.
Especially since I alienated everyone else on the plane.
So much for saying they're my people.
Well, if it's any consolation, I'm still your people.
Anyway, consider confronting that air marshal as my apology on behalf of men everywhere for Eric, the chiropractor's husband.
Well, in a way, Eric did me a favor.
If I hadn't followed him to L.
A.
, I probably would have just stayed in Bakersfield, married a guy with a neck tattoo, who eventually gets pinched for driving the getaway car in an avocado heist.
Again, oddly specific.
His name was Randall.
Yes.
Is she here yet? I don't know.
I have no idea what she looks like.
Hey, wait, are you allowed to be back there? Jill loves it when I sling.
Don't you, Jill? Excuse me, are you Captain Dave Pratman? What?! You've been catfished.
Listen, I've been on both sides catfish many times.
But remember, this man is hurting more than you.
No.
I'm Gwen's supervisor from air traffic control.
Gwen's not gonna make it tonight.
Oh, my God, was she on her way here, but then got hit by a car and was horribly disfigured, and is now too embarrassed to see him? That's so romantic.
Tell her to come, he'll love her anyway.
Whoa, not so fast.
Just how broken is her face, Doc? What is wrong with you people? She was not in an accident.
Gwen's filling out citation paperwork.
Your conduct today was thoroughly unprofessional.
A lot of people were on that channel.
What were you thinking? We were thinking this is still a world where true love exists, you bastard.
It's okay.
She's getting off with a warning.
But from now on, that radio is just for ATC guidance only.
Understand? I do.
That's the end for Gwen and Captain Dave.
It was beautiful while it lasted.
Turns out, we were just two planes crossing in the night.
Or, just call her on the phone like a normal person.
Here's her number.
Stop being a weirdo.
See you tonight, Nichole.
Bye, Lewis.
Remember to eat a light dinner! Well, look at that.
Turns out old Captain Dave's still got it.
- So, when do I call? - Right now.
- 20 days.
- Never.
I still think catfish.
What's going on? Oh, you got your wish.
Jackpot had so many complaints, they're getting rid of all the credit card swipers.
Plus, everyone's identities were stolen.
Well, at least they brought some of the dignity back to flying.
Yeah, they found another way to make money.
For a small fee, Jackpot passengers can now purchase in-flight flu shots.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
ARTEM: Hey, Ronnie.
Ronnie! Oh, hey, what is it, Artem? I'm not very happy right now.
If I were an emoji, I would be frown face.
Oh, if this is about your cologne, I already told you, you can't bring that stuff on board, they use it in explosives.
No, that's a separate infuriating issue.
This is about luggage.
Now Jackpot charge ten dollars for carry-on.
This fee is no good for gambling profit.
I know, it sucks.
It's just Jackpot following the other airlines' lead.
They're squeezing out every dollar they can.
It's better than when they tried charging for overhead bassinets.
[BERNARD AND PASSENGERS GASP.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [BABY COOS.]
I still have nightmares about the babies I didn't catch.
Oh.
Well, I'm outraged.
I'm gonna give this flight zero stars on Airbnb.
Okay.
Wait, um, how about I let you use the beverage cart, so you can make that weird tomato juice iced tea thing you're always talking about? I can finally make an Artem Palmer? You have deal, Ronnie.
Oh.
If I were emoji now, I would be smiley face or lady in the bathtub.
Because I pamper myself.
Have to admit, pretty impressive how you handled that.
I was expecting cologne to start exploding any minute.
I know how to manage my passengers.
It's my job to know what they need.
They're my people.
Like, uh, like that guy.
That's James.
He always shows up for his flight so drunk, he forgets the name of his hotel.
So, I write it down for him.
Hey, James.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh, the Wynn.
Sober me must be doing pretty good.
And that's Ben.
He says he's here visiting family, but I'm pretty sure he's just stalking Nichole.
- Stalking Nichole? - Oh, he's harmless.
It's her other stalker, Kristen, we really have to worry about.
And that's Dean.
He's always one of the first to board, orders his coffee black, two sugars, and every week, flies with his lovely, lovely wife who is suddenly blonde and 20 years younger.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
- [PASSENGERS GIGGLING.]
- WOMAN: I got it, I got it.
[PASSENGERS CHATTERING.]
Oh.
You have to pay to open it now.
Oh, I see.
So they're holding my biography of Patty Hearst hostage up there.
Well, it could be worse.
I heard VegasAir has a staircase fee just to get off the plane.
DAVE: This is your captain here with a little reminder.
Now that marijuana's legal in Vegas, you deserve to treat yourself to a little puff, a Korean massage and a sandwich.
So head on down to Kim Bong Dill's Dispensary, Spa and Deli.
Supreme leader says, "It's the bomb.
" GWEN [OVER RADIO.]
: Jackpot 529, winds 280 at ten.
Should be a smooth flight.
It is now that I'm talking to you, Gwen.
GWEN [OVER RADIO.]
: Always the charmer, Captain Dave.
Once you get to Vegas, feel free to buzz my tower and say hi.
Will do.
I'll be the handsome brunette flying a plane.
I think ATC Gwen likes you.
Nah, she's just a flirt, that one.
I don't know, she doesn't talk to other pilots like that.
You should ask her out.
[LAUGHS.]
: Yeah, right.
A pilot dating an air traffic controller? [CHUCKLES.]
Can you imagine? Yeah.
It wasn't that hard.
- [BUZZES.]
- [COLIN GROANS.]
Hey, as a frequent flyer, I'm used to this plane being a capitalist hell state, but I'm swiping my credit card and my seat won't recline.
Oh, it looks like the guy behind you paid double to keep yours in the upright position.
Well, in that case, how much would it cost to scream into a pillow? Um Nothing to scream, but a pillow is ten dollars.
Oh! I take it back, screaming is five.
I'll pay $50 for a drinks cart to block my view of those two.
You want to know the most disgusting part about them? I saw it.
He touched his armrest, then touched her face.
Best she can hope for now is debilitating pink eye.
No.
That guy's cheating on his wife, and that poor girl probably has no idea.
He's not wearing his wedding ring.
Wedding rings don't mean anything.
Rock Hudson had one, and I had Rock Hudson.
How old are you? Nichole, you're a woman.
Back me up here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your generation is so obsessed with labels.
But, yes, as a cis female polyamory-tolerant monogamist, I find cheating repulsive.
But, as a stripper, cheating is the backbone of my industry, and mama can recline her chair all she wants.
[CARD SWIPES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
This whole thing is disgusting.
- Thank you.
They make you pay now just to recline your seat.
Back in the old days, we'd carve our complimentary roast beef right in the aisle.
I'm losing track of this conversation.
Let's everybody go around and say what we're angry about.
So far, I've got cheating, gender labels and roast beef.
- OTHER: Yes.
- Okay, good to know.
Hey, Ronovan.
- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.
Let's say there's a woman I know, professionally, and wanted to ask her out.
- That'd be okay, right? - No.
Let's say it was okay.
How would I, you know, do that? - Do what? - Ask her out.
[SIGHS.]
I'm about to be brave and tell you something personal here.
You see, I haven't asked a woman out on a date since my last divorce.
Oh, you're a good person to ask about this.
Didn't all your ex-wives cheat on you? Yes, that's right.
So, if there had been someone to expose the situation, that would've been a good thing, right? Well, yeah, that's why for number three, I hired a P.
I.
But he just got himself in on the action.
This is helpful.
Thanks, Dave.
Wait, we never talked about me.
Oh, you having trouble tricking woman into love.
Listen.
Here's what you say: "I spend most of my time in the clouds, but you are real angel.
" I'm not taking love advice from someone who mixes tomato juice and iced tea.
I don't mix.
I stir with a tiny sword.
So you're just gonna walk right up to that girl and tell her he's married? Have you considered she might already know and doesn't care? Oh, now you're being rational? Last week, you tried to get someone kicked off the plane for watching La La Land.
I don't need Ryan Gosling to whitesplain jazz to me.
I'm overhearing all this.
I'm not eavesdropping.
You're both screaming, and it all sounds terrible.
Okay, intervening in other people's lives is such a poor idea, I'm actually ignoring my own advice to intervene and tell you that.
How come when I butt into other people's lives, I'm nosy, but when Bernard does it, he's charming? Well, it's just a likability issue.
Look, I know you think you're being helpful, but it's not your place to tell this woman anything.
You're her flight attendant, not her friend.
Up here, I'm friend, bartender, human rights champion.
That African-American man wanted to sit in the back row.
He was with his friends.
Look, this girl deserves to know what she's getting involved in.
I'm trying to help her.
Just watch, I'm gonna save her 20s without her even noticing.
No, Ro [SIGHS.]
Hi, let me know if you guys need anything.
Oh, that's a nice shirt.
Did your wife get that for you? [SCREAMS QUIETLY.]
Did you see that? I just lit the fuse on a ticking time bomb.
If it's a time bomb, it wouldn't have a fuse.
Yeah, I believe it would have a timer.
Okay, then I lit the timer.
Who cares? Just watch.
Looks like the fuse went out.
We just agreed it didn't have a fuse.
Perhaps we should all stop talking about bombs? - WOMAN: What? - BERNARD: Yeah.
- Okay, that's enough screen time for you.
- [GROANS.]
GWEN: Hey there, JP 529.
Hey, Gwen.
Where you been? Cheating on me with other planes? No way.
You know I'm a Jackpot girl.
I bet you say that to all the airlines.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GWEN LAUGHS.]
GWEN: I'm gonna need you to turn right heading 060.
As you wish.
Anyway, I was thinking, and call me a relief pitcher, because this is coming out of left field I spend all my time with angels in the clouds Anyway, nothing.
[EXHALES.]
Did you just have a stroke? DAVE: You're not supposed to be in here, so let's make this quick.
I just need you to help me ask out Gwen.
Okay.
You do like this: "Gwen, I'm not a man who easily says feelings.
"But when that flying love baby hits you, "you have to answer the call.
"I believe the airplane gods connected us for a purpose, and that purpose is for the making of love.
" Hey, Gwen.
This is Jackpot Five-Two-Niner, just letting you know that I'm not a guy who opens up easily, but when you're shot by Cupid's arrow, you have to act.
"Cupid.
" That is name.
I think this universe put us on this radio for a reason.
And that reason is to take you out for a steak dinner tonight.
You don't have to answer right now, just think about it.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
How does it feel? Feels good.
In fact, it feels real good.
Okay, because you just said that to the whole plane.
- - DAVE [OVER INTERCOM.]
: is to take you out for a steak dinner tonight.
You don't have to answer right now, just think about it.
You can get out now.
Please, can I stay until a bird explodes on the windshield? Get out.
Come on, Dave.
We talked about this.
No passengers in the cockpit.
I guess I'm wrong.
Maybe she does already know he's married.
Or maybe she had earbuds in and didn't even hear me.
- I have another chance.
- Oh, please don't.
Secondhand embarrassment kills 13 Englishmen a year.
So what? I'm just supposed to sit back and do nothing, while that poor, naive girl falls deeper into love? With no idea that the reason her name is "IKEA" in that guy's phone is not a cute reference to where they first had sex, but to hide her from his chiropractor wife, and by the way, if he ever thinks he's getting his Jethro Tull T-shirt back, he's out of his mind.
Excuse me.
Oddly specific.
Who was he? His name was Eric.
I met him in junior college in Bakersfield.
He was older.
Swept me off my feet.
Vacations, fancy dinners.
Those movies where the actors are, like, right there.
You know they're called plays.
Anyway, I dropped out of school, and moved to L.
A.
to be with him, only he was a little too busy with his wife.
Do you know what I would've given to have someone who could've warned me? I feel terrible that that happened to you, but even if this were any of our business Which again, to be clear, it's absolutely not This is hardly the time or the place to be delivering such delicate news.
I mean, for God's sake, we're three feet away from a Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator.
For legal purposes, I'm just a "gender-fluid rum pirate.
" Fine.
God, I liked you better when you kept your rational ideas to yourself.
Okay, so from my experience, the way to get a woman's attention is to completely ignore her.
Or buy her an island.
Like a kitchen island? No, like an island island.
Like, "Treasure" or "Long.
" GWEN: Vegas approach, Jackpot 529, level 15,000.
Wait, no, this is your chance.
Just play it cool, don't answer.
GWEN: Jackpot 529? 529, can you hear me? 529, are you there? Dave? Dave.
Oh, my God.
We've lost comm with Jackpot 529.
[BUTTON CLICKS.]
No, we're here.
We're fine.
JK, JK.
GWEN: What the hell is going on there? Why did you answer? You totally had her.
You know we're charging to lower tray tables now? They've taken all the dignity out of flying.
Judy Garland once said she had the best bowel movement of her life after eating a salmon mousse on a TWA flight to Paris.
Now look what we've become.
DYANA: Excuse me.
Oh, hi.
This is embarrassing to ask, but am I doing something wrong? Wow.
Okay.
I-I mean, I know that it's not really my place to say anything, but I know when it happened to me, I blamed myself for a really long time.
So I guess my question is, how much do you know? I know that the little slide says "vacant," but I can't get the door open.
Am I, am I doing something wrong? - [LAUGHS.]
: Oh.
No, yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I mean well, I mean, no, you're not, you're not.
It's we, um, we're just we're charging 50 cents to use the bathroom now.
Or you could get a potty pass for $9.
99.
But you know what? This one, um - This is on me.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
I'm sorry.
What did you think I was talking about? What's that? - This is decaf, right? - Sure.
Before you judge me, I'm gonna start at the end.
She is so happy I said something.
Something to who about what? Dyana, the mistress.
I told her Dean is married.
And then, we planned a lunch, but I'm probably gonna cancel.
You told her? Didn't we agree that was a bad idea? It just happened.
We had this delightful bathroom misunderstanding, and we started talking, and then we were hugging, and then she got mascara on my shoulder, which I said don't worry about, but it does kind of bother me.
"Mascara on my Shoulder.
" Isn't that the title of a Joan Collins memoir? Now, is that a real question, or a burn? I honestly have no idea with him.
She was upset, yes, but she was also so sweet, and so grateful to know the truth, and maybe I will do that lunch with her.
And you're okay being trapped with these people in an enclosed space 20,000 feet up? She promised that she wouldn't say anything until we landed, and she'd totally leave me out of it.
You're married? You son of a bitch! What? - Who told you that? - Her.
[PASSENGERS MURMURING.]
[HUFFS.]
Well, that lunch is totally off.
I have no idea what she's talking about.
Oh, really? Why would she lie to me? DEAN: I have no I don't know.
Hey, Kelly.
Gary.
Anything to drink? Okay.
Artem.
You want some pretzels? Hey, I'm sorry, Ronald, but I would prefer you stay out of my personal business, okay? Are pretzels that personal? Yeah, the way I eat them, they are.
Oh, yes.
What's going on? All the passengers are acting so weird.
Can you blame them? They just saw what happens when you let Hurricane Ronnie into your life.
No, I was trying to help.
Nichole, you get that, right? Please don't tell my dad I strip at Grapefruits.
Also, don't tell Grapefruits I love my dad.
It's a real bummer for customers.
No, I I thought I was doing something good.
I love my passengers.
They're my people.
I mean look.
James, hey, I-I wrote down the name of your hotel again in case you lost the first one.
I don't want it.
Take this.
It's a note for you to give to sober me, telling drunk me not to let you give me notes anymore.
GWEN: Hey there, Jackpot, you're cleared I-L-S two-eight right for landing.
Copy that, and can I just add congratulations on being a strong woman in the workplace? GWEN: Aw, thanks.
So, I guess it's time to sign off? Come on, Captain, ask her out.
She's your sky-mate.
Captain Dave likes you and he wants to ask you out.
Bye.
GWEN: Sorry, Jackpot, could you repeat? Uh, yeah, Gwen.
[SIGHS.]
There's a bar in terminal "C" next to the noodle place with the great DAVE AND GWEN: Noodles.
- [GWEN CHUCKLING.]
- DAVE: Would you want to go and grab a drink with me when we land? GWEN: It's about time you asked.
Copy that.
And prepare for landing.
Hey! Captain Dave! I knew you had it in you.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, I've been out of the game for a minute.
How far do people go on first dates these days? I've heard butts are very popular right now.
GWEN: Still here, Jackpot.
Thank you.
Thank you for flying Jackpot.
I'm still your friend you can trust me with your secrets.
Hey.
Black coffee, two sugars to go? I don't know who the hell you think you are, but what I do is none of your business.
What? You think just because we fly on the same plane, that you have this unique insight into our lives? That's pathetic.
You are a nobody to the people on this plane.
And when we want something from you, we'll hit the call button.
I'm sorry, is there a problem? Stay out of it, Frenchie.
[WHISPERS.]
: Frenchie? Hey.
Hey, hey.
Um, you all right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just [GROANS.]
You were right, I was really stupid to get involved is all, I Excuse me.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, my God.
[SIGHS.]
Um, hi.
Excuse me.
Uh, yeah, you.
Um, I don't know exactly what it is you said to that flight attendant back there, but she's pretty shaken up, so I think What is it with all you people? Why can't anybody on that plane mind their own business? Hey, buddy, I'm the lord chancellor of "mind your own business," but that woman you accosted, she is my business.
So, if you were any kind of man, you would go back in there and you'd apologize.
Oh, I will show you exactly what kind of man I am if you don't get out of my face, Gérard Depardieu.
Gérard Depar I'm clearly English.
You, on the other hand, you're a bully and a philanderer.
I really wish you didn't just poke me.
- Why? What are you gonna do? - [DROPS BAG.]
You gonna hit me? No, I'm gonna detain you.
[ALL GASP.]
DEAN: You have no idea who you're dealing with, buddy.
Whoa, what's going on? Did Frenchie do something wrong? COLIN: What? I'm the one being assaulted.
Yeah, by an air marshal.
Wait, you're an air marshal? Yes.
And that woman I've been flying out with every week was my trainee.
Dyana is my girlfriend.
Huh.
Oh, my God, that is the first time you called me your girlfriend.
Well, that's what you are, baby.
COLIN: Aw, that's nice.
I have a date tonight, too.
So, the good news is they're letting you go with a stern warning.
Bad news is, we have definitely ruined the start of Dean's vacation.
You know, as I sit here, rapidly losing feeling in my hands, It does occur to me: shouldn't you know the air marshals on board? They stopped telling me and Bernard a while ago because we were abusing the system.
Can I have a coffee and a water? Hey, Air Marshal, you need to tase this bitch.
For what it's worth, thank you for sticking up for me like that.
It was kind of badass hearing you be all like, [IMITATES COLIN.]
: "She is my business.
" - Wait, what accent is that? - French.
Clearly.
But really, I appreciate it.
Especially since I alienated everyone else on the plane.
So much for saying they're my people.
Well, if it's any consolation, I'm still your people.
Anyway, consider confronting that air marshal as my apology on behalf of men everywhere for Eric, the chiropractor's husband.
Well, in a way, Eric did me a favor.
If I hadn't followed him to L.
A.
, I probably would have just stayed in Bakersfield, married a guy with a neck tattoo, who eventually gets pinched for driving the getaway car in an avocado heist.
Again, oddly specific.
His name was Randall.
Yes.
Is she here yet? I don't know.
I have no idea what she looks like.
Hey, wait, are you allowed to be back there? Jill loves it when I sling.
Don't you, Jill? Excuse me, are you Captain Dave Pratman? What?! You've been catfished.
Listen, I've been on both sides catfish many times.
But remember, this man is hurting more than you.
No.
I'm Gwen's supervisor from air traffic control.
Gwen's not gonna make it tonight.
Oh, my God, was she on her way here, but then got hit by a car and was horribly disfigured, and is now too embarrassed to see him? That's so romantic.
Tell her to come, he'll love her anyway.
Whoa, not so fast.
Just how broken is her face, Doc? What is wrong with you people? She was not in an accident.
Gwen's filling out citation paperwork.
Your conduct today was thoroughly unprofessional.
A lot of people were on that channel.
What were you thinking? We were thinking this is still a world where true love exists, you bastard.
It's okay.
She's getting off with a warning.
But from now on, that radio is just for ATC guidance only.
Understand? I do.
That's the end for Gwen and Captain Dave.
It was beautiful while it lasted.
Turns out, we were just two planes crossing in the night.
Or, just call her on the phone like a normal person.
Here's her number.
Stop being a weirdo.
See you tonight, Nichole.
Bye, Lewis.
Remember to eat a light dinner! Well, look at that.
Turns out old Captain Dave's still got it.
- So, when do I call? - Right now.
- 20 days.
- Never.
I still think catfish.
What's going on? Oh, you got your wish.
Jackpot had so many complaints, they're getting rid of all the credit card swipers.
Plus, everyone's identities were stolen.
Well, at least they brought some of the dignity back to flying.
Yeah, they found another way to make money.
For a small fee, Jackpot passengers can now purchase in-flight flu shots.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]