Laid (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

This is Charlie, the IT guy from work.
Hi.
So what brings you here, mate? Hi, I'm Stacey.
Two of my ex's have died recently.
Three, actually.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
Really? Did we actually Yep.
Oh, my God.
You look like death.
Where did you end up? Just had a few wines at Mum and Dad's.
Oh, hello.
Hey! Don't mind me.
Don't mind us.
So you're back on, then? What can I say? The guy has a hold on me.
How was Andrew's? I'm dying.
This is intense.
So Brendan was the first to go.
Death by kava.
Davey was hit by a car.
DRIVER: Jesus! And Lleyton had an aneurysm.
They're being knocked off in order.
Are more people gonna die? We just need to find them, make sure they're OK.
(JAUNTY MUSIC) SONG: # There's one pet I like to pet And every evening we get set I stroke it every chance I get It's my girl's pussy Often it goes out at night Returns at break of dawn No matter what the weather's like It's always nice and warm I bring titbits that it loves We spoon like two turtledoves I take care to remove my gloves When stroking my girl's pussy.
MAN ON RECORDING: G'day, you've called Russco.
Leave a message after the beep.
(BEEP!) Uh, hi, Russco.
I'm not sure if I've got the right Russell Black unless you've had a tracheotomy.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Anyway, this is Roo McVie here.
And if you know me or have any memory of me whatsoever, could you please give me a call on 0437 2859? Thank you.
Oh! (CLEARS THROAT) Um, I think these might be yours.
Ah, there they are.
Right.
Right.
Thanks.
Um did you just throw multivitamins at me? Mm-hm.
This might be a weird question, but are you flirting with me? No.
Ah.
I mean, you're taken, so I would never do that.
Taken? Uh, Stacey? Was that her name? Oh, yeah, it is, but we're not, um Together? No, no, no.
We, um, chatted online for a bit.
The other night was our first real date.
Oh, go well, did it? Uh, I wouldn't say that, no.
If I'd have known she was so young, I never would have agreed to meet her.
Ah.
I prefer girls who have actually reached puberty.
(CHUCKLES) High standards.
Yeah.
You look like you've reached puberty.
Well, I have.
Actually, I got my period really early.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Have you ever played indoor cricket? There were 47 Russ Blacks listed.
I called every one.
None of them were my Russ, especially the one who was a woman.
It's like he doesn't exist.
Well, maybe he doesn't.
I mean, maybe Russ is already dead.
Don't say it! Your ex's are dropping like flies and you're going on a date? It's not a date.
I'm just subbing in for some lesbian in Charlie's cricket team.
Who's playing cricket? No-one.
Hey, you can help her.
She knows nothing about cricket.
Sweet! I'll just wing it.
No.
The last time you winged it, you incinerated my table.
OK, now, you've gotta be at one with the wood.
Tell him to show you his googly.
OK Relax, Max! You're choking the bat! Are you right? What? I don't think we should be, you know, touching, especially after what happened - which, by the way, is never gonna happen again and EJ can never know.
Yes, I get it.
Big mistake, keep shtum, blah, blah, blah.
It's no biggie, Roo.
I've moved past it.
Maybe you should too.
Can we just do this cricket thing, please? That's what I'm trying to do.
Yeah, well, just do it from there.
Ohh, OK.
Just remember - the bat's your friend.
But it hates you.
it's like your step-dad - steals your money.
What? Don't look at me.
Where's the ball? You're out! How's that? Good one.
Get out.
Alright.
Can you please just go away? OK.
Have fun.
And remember - bats have excellent hearing, so talk to it.
Hi, Charlie.
Hi.
Wow! Hi.
Wow.
You look Just my usual cricket kit.
Uh, are you right to go? Yeah.
Wow.
You're really good.
Well, you know what they say about the wood .
.
being at one with it and all that.
With the wood? Yeah, mmm.
Hmm, I never knew you were such an expert.
Well, it's not every day you get asked out on a hot date involving kneepads and stumps, not unless you're dating an amputee.
(CHUCKLES) Or not not dating.
Just pals subbing, being friendly.
I'm gonna have a bit of a bowl.
You want this? Roo? ('BARBADOS' BY THE MODELS PLAYS) You stretch.
I'll just I'll be back in a sec.
Roo McVie, long time no see.
Hey, nice socks.
Thanks.
Uh, Telly, do you remember the Gold Coast sales conference? Oh, yeah, that was a riot.
Was it? Yep.
I should get going.
My team's just Yeah, my memory's a little hazy.
Just curious - did we ever I should go.
Did we ever do it or Chocolate helps me concentrate.
Oh.
Then again, maybe that's just an excuse because I usually eat it in bed and there's not much to concentrate on there.
Sorry? I, uh, was making a joke.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) I'm usually more of a Twix man myself.
(Buzz) (MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) We're on.
(PEOPLE CHEER AND APPLAUD) So did we or didn't we? Did we what? I have a blurry image of you and an ice bucket.
(LAUGHS) Uh, yeah, I haven't drank Bacardi since, actually.
Oh, no, no, no, no! No.
Well, me neither.
So? What? Did what? Did we do it? Did What do you wanna know for? It's complicated.
Come on, just tell me, please! No, no, no! What? Do you have a kid or something? No.
Not that it would be mine or anything, but I Look, um, I'm a family man, alright? I mean, I might fool around occasionally, but I don't sleep with people at sales conferences.
No way, no how.
Look at my wife.
She's beautiful.
Now, if you don't mind, I've got to work on my batting average.
MAN: Yes! She's a very lucky woman.
(MEN CHATTER INAUDIBLY) So is it time for a beer? We haven't batted yet.
Oh.
Mmm, you've probably been a bit too busy fraternising to notice.
Fraternising? It's generally not the done thing to chitchat to members of the opposing team.
Well, I I was vibing him.
Oh, is that what you call it? Practically high-fived him when he hit the back nets.
Are you jealous? No.
I've been busy cricketing for your team, in case you didn't notice.
Look, if you didn't want to come on a date with me Oh, so this is a date? Yes, this is a date! This is the icebreaker date.
Well, some date, subbing in for a raving lesbian on your cricket team.
Anna isn't a lesbian.
Well, what's next on the date agenda? The great Twix versus Pods debate? (THWACK!) That I was just making conversation.
Very good.
Well, at least I was making conversation.
WOMAN: Telly! Anyway, if you'd been paying attention, you'd know that Twix rules.
MAN: Are you right, mate? You right, mate? I put two sugars in.
I think that's what you're meant to do for shock.
Dead just like that, at the crease.
Technically that's manslaughter - death by reckless behaviour.
It's not your fault.
In the way an aneurysm is? He was a really good salesman.
I guess now isn't a great time for this.
For what? I've made you something.
Oh, that's sweet.
Ta-da.
Well, what do you think? What is this exactly? It's your ex board - all your ex's, dead and alive and in danger.
Dates, details - I filled in whatever I could remember.
See, I put in colours for tracking patterns and I've got a key here.
See, green dots - they're for one-night stands.
Hang on.
Why is Lisa's dad up there? What? You slept with him at her 21st.
No, I didn't! Oh.
You might want to call her.
What? Why does she think that? Anyway, it's great.
That's good now because we've got a space.
That's where we can put Telly in from today, right? In between Mark and Russell - yeah, it's perfect.
Have you got a picture of him? Actually, there's probably one in the obituaries tomorrow.
Anyway, do you know what else is weird? Left-handed, left-handed.
Young Lib, Young Lib.
No? I thought that might have been a Oh, one thing I was gonna ask you - who was the guy who liked to film it? Hamish.
Right.
Reckon he'd still have the tape? I'm not gonna ask him for the tape.
And also Dan 'Pox'? 'Dax'? 'Rox'? I was gonna call him 'Limpy McGimpy',, but I remember that's just what I it's Dan.
it's Dan.
It is Dan? Yep.
OK, good, right.
Oh, and also 'New Year's Eve Guy' - do you remember his real name? Roo? Sorry, I'm just it's amazing.
You've got a very good memory.
It's just, um It makes me feel a little bit weird seeing it all up there like that.
What? We're gonna crack this serial dying thing with this.
You'll see.
So next - Russ.
Where's the last place you saw Russ? Mum and Dad's.
That's right.
He was the 'Junior Burger'.
He was sweet.
He used to watch me from behind the fence in his Speedos.
That's great.
We'll just ask your mum where he is.
And what do I say when I find him? "Hi.
Remember me and my vagina? "We're here to tell you you're dying.
"Enjoy your life - what's left of it.
" Wouldn't you want to know if you were gonna die? It's fine.
We'll just tell him the truth.
But we'll we'll put a positive spin on it.
And we'll leave out the bit about the vaginas.
That took me ages.
I know.
it's great.
Thanks.
Confronting, but great.
Hand on your perineum.
Feel the energy release.
(EXHALES) Two, three, four.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Hey, Mum, do you ever see Russ Black around? You mean since you broke his heart? He was 17.
His heart had nothing to do with it.
He was a nice boy.
You could've done a lot worse.
It was one night.
He was set to be the next Grant Kenny.
What? So is he living the dream up at the Gold Coast? He lives next door.
With his dad? How weird.
I thought he moved out ages ago.
He did.
He's moved back.
He's not the man he used to be.
That's because he used to be a boy.
He gave it all up, stopped surf-lifesaving, stopped strutting around in his Speedos.
Sad, really.
He still asks after you, you know? Mum He may be carrying a little extra weight these days, but he used to be very handsome.
You should pop over, say hello.
There's a lot to be said for the older woman/younger man dynamic.
It makes good sense, really, since men tend to die first.
(DOOR CLOSES) (DOOR OPENS) MAN: Russ? The rat's out of the cage again! I'm filling the birdbath, Dad! (DOOR CLOSES) Hi.
EJ ON PHONE: Really? Yeah.
He still lives at home right next door to Mum.
Wow.
So you just marched over there and what - told him everything? Mm-hm.
Was he upset? No, he seemed to take it pretty well, really.
Tears? No, no tears.
What did you say? Well, I just said something about how life's weird and Actually, I'm not exactly sure what I said.
I gotta go.
'Bye.
Yeah, see ya.
What? Five bucks.
I'm raising money for Telly's wife.
It's the least I could do.
I thought I'd take it upon myself.
OK.
Hey, we're in here.
I got mandarins.
Russ! Roo.
Wow.
You've only aged a bit just around the eyes.
I can't believe you pretended to be me.
I can't believe you lied.
Well, how did you know? Your pants smoke-signalled me.
Nice touch.
So Russ has grown up and out.
Don't! Hey, I'm not judging.
All the more to love.
I can't believe you brought him here.
I hate you.
Roo.
I know.
I still hate you.
OK, here goes.
Russ, there's there's no easy way of saying this, but, well, um .
.
you're dying.
(SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) Huh, you win some, you lose some, I guess.
Maybe I wasn't clear.
You're dying.
I get it.
It must be shock.
No, it makes sense, really.
Some people have "one of those days".
I reckon I've just had one of those lifes.
Oh, that's not true.
Well, no offence, Roo, but you haven't lived my life.
Have you? No.
Well, take it from someone who has.
It hasn't rated.
I didn't always look like this, remember? I know.
Yeah.
Oh, well, maybe this is a good thing, huh? (CHUCKLES) Why Click around? What do you mean? That 'green dream' thing doesn't seem too bad.
No, no, I wasn't saying you should kill yourself.
Well, why not? I'm gonna die anyway.
I might as well order a few pizzas, get a few Breezers and go out happy.
Russ, you can't just give up like this.
You owe it to yourself to make yourself happy and your life worth living, no matter how long or short it may be.
How do you mean? Well, what about surf-lifesaving? You loved that.
(SIGHS) There isn't even a wave pool at our leisure centre anymore.
See, Dad helped me to understand that it was better to quit before I stuffed it up, huh? "Better safe than sorry.
Nobody likes a tool.
" Russ, if I am right and you are dying, wouldn't you rather go out fighting, knowing you tried everything you ever wanted to? That you sucked the juice out of life whether it made you look like a dick or not? (CHUCKLES) Dick juice.
Russ, wouldn't you?! I guess so.
You were a really good nipper.
You were gonna be the next Grant Kenny.
You thought I was good? You were awesome.
I do miss it.
We can change that.
'We'? You bet.
I stole a lamington.
That's OK.
That's fine.
Roo, face facts - if Russ doesn't top himself, something else will get him.
You don't know that.
The board doesn't lie.
Maybe this is the way I stop the death cycle - I make things right, they get to live.
I'm gonna save Russ.
You'll see.
With life coaching? What are you gonna do? Grab a megaphone and shout "Don't die"? Is that the plan? You're terrible at sport.
You once called soccer 'netball'.
They kick a ball into a net.
Look, I didn't get a rule book with this, alright? I'm sick of standing around while stuff just happens.
I'm gonna beat it.
You got a problem with that? No.
Ohh! God, I completely seized up.
I used to be able to touch my toes and see my sack.
Really? That flex OK, we'll just take it easy.
You don't wanna go too hard.
it's been a while.
And put this on.
The sun's a silent killer, you know? (EXHALES) Aye, aye, captain, my captain.
Please don't call me that.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Come on.
That's good, that's good.
Ohh.
And go! (GRUNTS) No.
Yes.
No, you're not ready.
Come on.
What happened to sucking life's juices and dicks and stuff? This is Kenny's signature training technique.
I used to do it all the time when I was a kid.
If I can do this now, it proves I haven't got that far to go to get back to where I was.
Just be careful.
Aye, aye, captain, my captain.
I told you not to call me that.
Aye, aye, captain! Russ, turn around.
Back this way.
(GRUNTS MANIACALLY) Arggh! Captain! Oh, God.
Arggh! (YELPS AND GRUNTS) Russ? (MOANS) You were right.
I can't fix things.
I'm an anti-fixer.
Contact with me makes things worse.
EJ: What? Did Russ die too? Not yet.
He just had an accident while I was trying to save What do you mean 'too'? Phil's dead.
Who? Phil.
The one who gave you all those cactus Cactuses.
Cactuseses? But he was next on the list, after Russ.
Oh, God.
No, no, no.
No.
Ruth McVie? I know.
He's dead.
Russ is dead, isn't he? Uh, no.
Broken his tibia in three places, but other than that, he's fine.
And very keen to see you.
Good.
I can feel life pumping back through my veins and it's thanks to you.
I don't get it.
What's to get? I'm alive.
You brought me back to life.
By falling down a cliff? Yeah.
I broke some bones, but I don't care.
I'm alive! I'm alive.
Yes.
Yes, you are.
How about a hug? Oh.
What are you doing? Come on.
Let's go for a second round.
Let go of me.
No, seize the day.
Get off me! Come on! I mean, it's not like we sealed the deal last time.
In a way, you kind of owe me.
What are you talking about? Last time, with you and me.
It was too full-on being inside you.
Oh You know, normally I'm just wanking over you.
What? 'Wanking over you from the other side of the fence' wanking over you.
But when I was with you, I couldn't get there.
You faked it? No, I just couldn't finish.
I seem to recall someone didn't mind at the time.
So how about it? Roo? Arggh! (ENGINE IDLES) You forgot the hose.
Zach thinks you've got that weird Catatonic sleeping thing from that Robin Williams movie.
Robin Williams is an arseclown.
I know he's an arseclown.
But I tell you, that movie gets me every time.
Are you gonna tell me what's going on or should I just keep talking about Robin Williams movies? 'Cause I can.
'Jumanji'.
'Patch Adams? He was in 'Fern Gully'.
He was the bat, you might not know.
Russ didn't die.
That's great! And weird.
He didn't "seal the deal".
He didn't seal what deal? Well, when we had sex, he didn't you know.
What? He faked it? What teenager has that kind of control? The seed stayed in the packet and so it seems he was spared.
Interesting.
It's not interesting.
it's horrible.
It makes me want to live up a tree.
But you hate sap.
Why is this happening to me? I'm a good person.
I use queues, I I replace the toilet roll, I don't lie or steal more than anyone else.
How is it everyone I've slept with has a death sentence and I'm sitting here talking about semen? I don't know.
I'm a human plughole.
Everyone who comes near me is sucked into a vortex of doom.
Now you sound like Zach.
You're not a plughole.
We can fix it.
We'll solve it and we'll stop it.
I promise.
When have I not worked something out? Other than the electric Electric can-opener, yeah.
What am I meant to do till then? Find a plug? (SIGHS) (FIRE ALARM BELL RINGS) (PEOPLE GROAN) Shit.
Fire alarm, folks.
Don't panic.
There's plenty of time.
(YELLS HYSTERICALLY) Stop what you're doing and proceed in an orderly manner to evacuation point three in the car park.
I'll meet you there.
(CONTINUES YELLING HYSTERICALLY) Oh, God! We're all gonna die! (YELLS) it's happening again! Hi.
Fire.
We have to go.
Yeah, I know.
it's a, um No, we have to go! It's a thing, it's a thing.
We've gotta go.
What are you doing? My friend Gus thought this would be a bit of a razzle-dazzle way of getting your attention.
Wow.
It's really very simple.
The wiring's quite old.
It's probably a bit of a hazard when you think about it.
Do you think I'm an idiot? No, no.
That's really lovely.
No-one's ever rigged a fire drill for me before.
So now that you've interrupted my day, how can I help you? I was wondering if you'd like to go to the movies - like a proper non-indoor-cricket date? (GENTLE MUSIC) (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) (THEME MUSIC)