Laid (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

Have you ever come across a weird disease-type thing where anyone who enters a vagina ends up dying? Your exes are dying like flies and you're going on a date? It's not a date.
Hi, Charlie.
If you didn't want to date me Oh, so this IS a date.
(Ball thumps on head) Dead, just like that.
The crease.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
Part of you feels that you haven't earned the right to grieve? That's exactly what I've been going through.
I get it.
Did we actually? Yep.
Oh my God.
We shouldn't be touching, especially after what happened, which, by the way, is never going to happen again.
And EJ can never know.
What is this, exactly? It's your ex board.
All your exes dead and alive and in danger.
I'm a human plughole.
Everyone who comes near me is sucked into a vortex of doom.
I was wondering if you'd like to go to the movies.
£ Theme music (Miaowing) £ There's one pet I like to pet £ And every evening we get set £ I stroke it every chance I get £ It's my girl's pussy £ Often it goes out at night Returns the break of dawn £ No matter what the weather's like it's always nice and warm £ I bring tidbits that it loves £ We spoon like two turtle doves £ I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy.
£ I'm not angry.
I just want to know what's going on.
I mean, this is the third time this week that you and I have had to have this little chat.
Something wrong? No, everything's fine.
You know how I don't usually question your methods, no matter how unconventional they are, but some of your sessions are starting to take a turn.
I mean, what the hell is a Dirty Sanchez? Oh.
Come on, you know what a Dirty Sanchez is, it's to It's the Oh.
With the (Sniffs) Yeah.
I don't see how that's relevant to laundry detergent marketing.
Well, it's a bit relevant.
And I'm just trying to reach a broader range of clients.
I mean, how can you really know what sort of laundry habits someone has unless you know and understand them as a person? Let's be honest - your mind's just not on the job at the moment.
Do you need some time off? No, no.
I need to work.
I don't want to ruin any more lives.
If I've got time free, who knows what I'm capable of.
People might die.
Well, maybe you should just have the afternoon off, go home, have a cup of tea.
I can get Michael to look after your afternoon session.
Right, thanks.
No worries.
So, Russ gets out of jail free because he didn't officially finish.
Yeah, that's the ejaculation loophole.
Do we really need a weird name for everything on the board? It simplifies things.
Trust me.
Well, technically, it's more of a non-ejaculation loophole, anyway.
That's too complicated.
Now, girls.
What are we thinking? We're not.
We are.
But that was just an experimental phase at uni.
Yeah, but it was a sexual one.
It might count for something.
Would you come on? It's me, alright? There are no secrets.
Girls don't ejaculate.
Not necessarily.
Any squirters? Do you mind? It's a valid form of female orgasm.
There are squirty women No squirters! I didn't get that far.
Well, fine.
He far did you get? I don't know.
Fumbling stuff.
Don't make me drag it out of you.
Do we need to hunt down that emo check-out chick and tell her what's going on? She wasn't emo.
She just liked cutting herself.
What about Mika? 'Oh, I'm a trisexual.
' Does being slammed by a boob count? I mean, nipples can penetrate, you know.
The long ones.
That's hilarious.
Very funny.
Look, I know this is embarrassing for you.
You have no idea.
I was drunk half the time when I was with these people.
How am supposed to remember the details - call them and ask? We have to talk about it.
These people are dying.
Hello! Shit! Ah Behind the door.
You're back early.
What are you two doing? What? Nothing.
What's with the giant textas? I was going to do some craft.
I'm starving.
Have you guys got any of that lavosh? He thinks that's fish.
(Mobile rings) Hello? MAN: Roo? Wait a second.
Who is it, please? It's Dr Inglis.
Could you come into the office? I need to speak to you urgently.
About what? Um I'm about to see a patient.
I'd prefer to discuss it in person.
Could you just come in? OK.
When? Now.
That's it, I'm dying.
I'm dying.
I've got a poisoned uterus and I'm dying.
There's no other explanation.
You're not dying.
Why else would he say 'urgent'? Why else would he say, 'Come in now?' That's it, it's bad news.
Look, on the plus side There is no plus side.
I'm dying.
Probably got an hour or two left.
On the plus side, we might figure out what's the hell's been killing off all your old boyfriends.
Oh great, wonderful.
Or Ah! What if you're pregnant? I'll be a godmother.
I can't bring a baby into the world.
there is something wrong with me.
What if I raise an army of evil virgin children like the Jonas Brother? Do you like the name Kitty for a girl? No good? TV: It's coming from the east or the west, or as I did the first time, from the south.
£ HARD ROCK £ You are a bitch £ I am a whore £ GENTLE STRINGS This is my friend, EJ.
I hope you don't mind if she sits in.
Friend-friend, or? Friend.
A friend-friend is fine too.
I mean, we're very open-minded here at the clinic.
In fact, I shouldn't tell tales out of school, but about a month ago, we had three women come in and No more gay stuff.
Why Why did you want me to come in? Ah, yes.
Yes I've been giving a lot of thought to your troubles and I think that despite the fact that you seem reluctant to travel down the less conventional healing path, there's a shaman friend of mine who you simply must visit.
Shaman? Shaman (Alters pronunciation) Shaman.
Shaman, no shaman, shaman.
It's like speculum, it's a funny word.
Now, I can write out his address for you if you like.
Is that it? Well, I can Google Map it for you.
It's very easy to get there.
You're just down the freeway.
No, I mean, is that why you wanted to see me urgently? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Why the hell did you say 'urgent'? Don't you get that 'urgent' is doctor code for 'you have 8,000 STDs'? It's stinging to hold a tampon for me.
Shhh, shhh, shhh.
Now, the only reason I said urgent was so that you would actually turn up.
A lot of people put off seeing their 'gynaecologist' until the last possible moment.
And it worked, didn't it? I mean, here you are, here we are, having a little chat.
It's nice going all round, isn't it? Now, I don't want to waste my time making an appointment for you to see Zalan if you don't .
Wait, sorry, his? Sorry, is his name, Zalan? Zalan, yes.
It doesn't matter about the name.
You can call him Alan if you like.
Alan? Sorry, I just want Is it Alan or Zalan? Well, it WAS Alan.
You know, he was born Alan, but he changed his name to Zalan.
Or Zallen.
He sometimes answers to all .
three of them.
Why wouldn't he? OK.
Anyway, he's a miracle-worker and I don't bandy that term around loosely.
He deals in the area of reproductive organ possession mainly.
And he worked wonders with an old client of mine.
She was absolutely convinced that her unborn foetus was a Shintari demon.
I mean, you should have seen the ultrasound.
Have you seen that movie, Tron? No.
It's frightening.
By Disney, but it was very scary.
I just don't think Zalan is a proper name for a grown man.
It doesn't matter what his name is.
Can I put that on credit? Thanks.
Oh, God.
It's nice to see you again.
Yeah, you too.
I think I saw you waving when we went to play cricket.
Oh, yes, I did.
I did wave.
I waved.
Remember, I Well.
Er, did you want to put your last smear test on that while you're here? OK, then.
See ya.
Well, it must be a girlfriend.
I thought you said he didn't have a girlfriend.
Well, why else would he be hanging out in a women's clinic? What, is he stalking me? Maybe he has a vagina.
Maybe he has a girlfriend and a vagina.
Sister? Who takes their sister to the gyno? Jack Osborne would.
Stop it.
Or James Voigt would and he would watch.
Maybe he's a psychopath.
Yeah, that's it.
Just lucky I'm not interested.
Lucky you're not available either.
So, it's a good thing he's psycho.
(Voices) Hi, sweetheart.
Yes, hello.
And hello to you.
Are you alright? I am awesome, so I better scooch.
What? I thought we were having dinner.
What? Good.
No, no.
I just need some Tupperware.
Maybe he's premenstrual.
Right! (Gasps) Sorry.
Didn't mean to shout.
I think I'm getting tinnitus.
What the hell are you doing? You scared me to death.
You, you! Whoa! We need to talk.
I know what you're up to.
Yeah, and you're not going to do it to me, you crazy psycho she-beast! What? You're killing dudes! You're the Black Widow, you're a praying mantis and you're going to eat the brains after having sex.
I'm going to call the cops and I'm going to call Today Tonight.
Ow! Bullshit.
You've been sitting there saying 'bullshit' for the last five minutes.
Yes, because it sounds like, you know, bullshit.
It's not.
So, these guys are just dying.
In order.
And you don't how why? No idea.
I'm going to help.
What? No.
I'm going to get on board and I'll find out why this shit's happening.
I don't think that's a great idea.
It's just Too complicated.
You don't get it, do you? You owe me.
What? 'Cause I'm involved in it.
Because of you, because we did it.
Wasn't my fault.
That was the alcohol.
Doesn't matter whose fault it was.
I'm in it now.
I'm one of those guys.
I'm the last guy.
Yeah, and you owe it to me to give me the chance to help me fix it before it gets to me.
Right? I still don't think it's a great idea.
I'm dying.
And so are all those other guys that you've had it off with.
You owe it to them to tell them.
Come on, it's like herpes.
So, what do you want me to do? Make a few phone calls? I can be very tactful.
I appreciate this must be very difficult, but you need to trust that I've been working through it for a while.
I understand it better and, I swear, it'll all be finished way before it even gets to you.
There's ages till you're in danger.
Can you just breathe? And maybe give me some time to go about it in my own way? Please.
Could you drive me home, please? Alright.
Thank you.
A woman should be allowed to go and see her private-part doctor without running into some man who she .
potentially had an indoor cricket date with.
So, what is this? Are you some kind of weirdo stalker? Do you have a speculum fetish, is that it? If I went home with you, would I find some kinky set-up with stirrups and a towel?? If you were to come home with me, I can safely say you would not find a kinky set-up with stirrups and a towel.
Good, then.
So, are you saying you want to come home with me? No.
The thing about gynaecologists' offices is, apart from all the stirrups and the speculums, they also have these weird things called computers.
And these weird things called computers sometimes need fixing by IT consultants, which oddly enough happens to be my job.
What a mixed-up world we live in.
I still don't understand.
No, it's only a matter of life and death, no big deal or anything.
Now, is Stuart around? Stuart hasn't lived here in years.
Who did you say you were with again? I'm with me.
No, I'm with Stuart.
I'm trying to help Stuart.
Can you give me a forwarding address? I think you should go now.
Do you want your son to die? Is that it? Because he will.
If I don't start sorting this out now.
I'm going to call the police.
Yeah, well, I'm going to call the Grim Reaper.
Is that what you want? I don't think I can do it.
Come on, look at his house.
It looks totally harmless.
I hate shamans with their beards and the coats with the stars on them.
That's wizards.
You know who'd like this, my dad.
He would love this.
So? I feel sick.
One shaman visit won't hurt.
How do you know? I hate New Age things.
I don't even like yoga.
He might have tools.
He's not Bob the Builder.
Well, what if it hurts? I don't think shamans use anything pointy.
He'll probably just speak in tongues and waft some incense around.
I'm not taking my undies off.
Neither am I.
Mind you, I've said that before.
Greg filled me in on your case, bloody hell.
Yeah, not much fun.
I'll say.
Sounds like you've been having an absolute arsehole of a time.
I suppose you could say that.
We'll get you right.
Let's look at your eyes.
So, is it Zalan, or Alan? Don't.
Just checking.
OK, fine, so now we know it's both.
Shall we? Is it 'shayman' or 'shaman'? There's been some debate.
But whatever.
We don't want to interrupt your process.
He doesn't mind.
You don't mind, do you? 'Course not.
It's 'shayman', unless you're stuck up.
Come and I'll show you my cacti.
) So, you know, in conclusion, I know it sounds kind of weird, us both doing the same girl and then maybe dying, but it's not like an STD, or anything.
I probably should have said that first up.
Anyway, um, I just thought you should know.
I don't get it.
There's nothing to get.
I'm here to help you.
Are you a Morman? No.
No, I'm one of you.
What? Into water sports? What? No.
Christ, no.
Are you paying attention, man? You're trying to get into my house with some weird story about Roo.
I don't even know who you are.
I fucked her.
Yeah? Congratulations.
Oh, you're just being a real dong holster for someone whose life I'm trying to save.
I didn't ask you to come here.
I am doing a good deed.
You want to help me out and save your life, or what? I'd feel better about it if you weren't in my face.
Why are you yelling? You're yelling at me! Stop being such a! Oh, yeah? Come on.
(Both grunt and groan) I just want you to listen.
Get off me.
I'm doing it.
I'm making it come true.
Just get away.
Yeah, shit, of course.
I'll just Just look after yourself.
Just get away from me.
Is there anyone I can call? Mate, I told you to go.
Rug up, 'cause it's pretty rainy.
You don't want to catch a cold.
It's a killer at this time of year.
It's a nice car.
Come on.
Airbags? Get off my property, OK? Right, now, what we're going to do here You're nice and relaxed? I think so.
What we're going to do, we're going to cleanse the reproductive organs in the healing waters.
Then we'll give them a hose out.
Spiritually speaking, of course.
So, Zalan, how did you get into shamaning? Came to me in a dream.
Woke up.
Thought it'd be a good idea.
Yeah, right.
And do you do a TAFE course for? No, no, no.
100% self-taught.
On Internet.
On the internet.
Now, I once treated a case very similar to yours.
Really? Yeah, this bloke, every woman he every dated eventually wound up getting an ulcer.
Drove him mad.
He couldn't figure out what was going on.
But they lived? Yeah.
'Course they lived, yeah.
Still kicking as far as I know and ulcer-free.
Good for them.
Terrible business.
Can I just ask a question? Is there supposed to be a burning sensation? Dear God, no.
I wouldn't have thought so.
Maybe I better pull the bubble power down.
The dog pissed on the controls last week.
They haven't been the same since.
How's that, better or worse? It's worse.
Now? The same.
At least you tried.
And you got to keep your undies on.
Now, I'm itchy and cursed.
I've probably got genital pneumonia.
Hey, there's no such thing as genital pneumonia.
There was no such thing as every single person I've had sex with being killed, a month ago either.
Live and learn.
What was that tea? It was bourbon.
Bourbon tea? There was no tea.
Why was it in a teapot? Why did he make me touch that chicken? LOL.
That was pretty funny.
I had to (Snorts).
He said 'LOL'.
When you were in that bath, do you remember? Yeah.
You were in a tub with I heard him.
Sorry was good.
(Sighs) Look, I know it all sounds totally bizarre.
I thought so too at first, OK? But I just want to say that I'm really glad that you all trusted me enough to come down here today and for that I am sincerely grateful.
So, you're just going to have to bear with me now as I walk you through a little bit more of the freaky shit.
If it helps, I've brought along a visual stimulus.
Don't worry about him.
He's he's gone.
I know what you're thinking.
'That's me.
' Right? And here's where it gets interesting.
Because if you notice, there is an order.
PA: Number 29, your parma's ready.
Number 29.
There is an order.
Could this gentleman make himself known? Uh, hi, everyone.
I'm John.
ALL: Hi, John.
Right, so she's teaching in Humpty Doo.
That's wonderful.
And when did you last hear from her? Great.
Well, do pass on my regards.
Roo McVie.
No, no.
She'll remember.
Thank you, bye.
She better remember.
I did, you know, for about half an hour.
Got bruises in my ears.
So, she's fine? In excellent health.
So, really the answer to this entire problem is that you turn gay.
Are you coming on to me? You right? I'm just going to head out for a while.
Who was that? Aunty Carol.
What does she want? A gin.
Now? You know what these problem drinkers are like.
What? See you later.
Probably sounds like a boil.
You could just lance that, I think.
Right, Grant.
Yeah, um, does it still count if you did it, you know, if you potted the brown? Oh, my God.
Why not go directly to the source? It counts if you potted the brown? What is this? Hey, Roo.
Just calm down, OK.
I know it's going to be a little full on for you straight off the bat, but I want you to know we are all in this together.
Right, guys? ALL: Yeah, right.
OK, now We have worked out that it has nothing to do with astrological charts.
Sorry, Hamish.
But I think we've made some really good progress today.
Are there any more questions at this point? Yep.
I've got one.
OK, go.
Who's next? Hmm.
Good question.
Uh, according to my calculations, Campbell Hynam-Smith.
(Coughs) Sorry, Cam.
I don't make the rules.
Well, someone does.
Why is this happening? Yeah, why are you doing this? How'll you fix it? I'm doing my best.
I promise.
I went to a shaman.
Why didn't you call us to tell us? How come this dickhead did? Hey, come Let's not start with the name calling.
Look, I'm sorry Maybe sorry's not good enough.
Sorry's not good enough.
Hang on just a second.
How come you're sure it's me the problem? Maybe it's you.
Maybe you're all connected in some way to .
to an evil death cult.
Maybe you're just faulty weak-gened men.
Did you ever consider that? I'm not a terrible person.
She's not, you know.
Thanks, Peter.
No problem.
You're looking well.
You've lost Anyway, as I was saying, before you start pointing the finger, maybe you should consider What is this, a picnic? It's not a picnic.
These guys are hungry and angry.
They're hangry.
Can I have a word in private? Alright.
Tuck in.
What did I say about leaving things up to me? What the hell is this? It's sick.
What? If I didn't do anything, those guys would be dead by now.
That what you want, blood on your hands? They wouldn't all be dead.
There's an order.
A pattern.
That's what I've been working on.
You've been working on failure.
What makes you think your methods are better than mine? Methods? Now you've got methods, do you? I do.
You're sitting talking about it, while I'm all, like, check it out, taking action.
(Heavy thumps, retching, screams) Nice one, Zac.
Nice one.
You happy now you managed to speed everything up? Glad you took matters into your own hands? Now everyone at your stupid meeting is dead.
Must have been the spring rolls.
Great, the spring rolls.
Well done.
I don't see what you're so upset about.
Really, you don't? No.
In case you've forgotten, I'm the one who's going to die.
He's not dead.
Oh no, he's dead.
(Why do you have to be so selfish?) I'm not kicking back while people are dying.
Where have you two been? Nowhere.
How come you've got that, then? Don't know.
Why is your picture on there? Closed Captions by CSI