Laid (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

What is this, exactly? It's your ex-board.
All your exes, dead and alive and in danger.
Hi.
I wanted to tell you in person.
I'm dying.
Three weeks! Really? So these guys are just dying? In order.
And you don't know why? No idea.
I'm involved in it, because of you, because we did it.
Where have you two been? Nowhere.
Why is your picture on there? ã There's one pet I like to pet ã And every evening, we get set ã I stroke it every chance I get ã It's my girl's pussy ã Often, it goes out at night ã Returns at break of dawn.
ã No matter what the weather's like ã It's always nice and warm ã I bring tidbits that it loves ã We spoon like two turtledoves ã I take care to remove my gloves ã When stroking my girl's pussy! ã (Growling) Aah! (Both scream) Oh! What is this vision I see before me? Good morning, Dad.
(Chuckles) I'll put the kettle on.
I'm sure EJ will call back.
I don't know.
I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.
How long is it since you've spoken? Ages.
She must be fairly cross.
Marion! What? That's not very constructive.
How do you think Roo feels? She had sex with Zach.
They were broken up at the time.
So Mike and Roz Baker would be fair game for her too, would they? That was a temporary separation because of Mike's impotence.
That's very helpful.
Really! Could we move on to debating my sex life in further detail? You and EJ have been friends for years.
You'll work through this.
Still.
It's one of those unwritten women's laws.
Isn't it? What is? Not having sex with your best friend's boyfriend.
I've obviously gone wrong somewhere in raising you.
That must be it.
People do things when they're drunk.
Things they don't mean.
I think I just have to get used to the idea that she might never ring.
And the friendship's over, all because I'm a massive dickhead.
You're not listening.
I am.
You're not.
You keep talking over me.
I am.
You I am.
I'm listening.
Watch me listen.
You're acting like this isn't a big deal.
Because it isn't.
You slept with my best friend.
Your ex-best friend.
She wasn't my ex-best friend when you slept with her.
Was she? She's my ex-best friend because you had sex with her.
When we'd broken up.
That doesn't make any difference.
Why not? Because it doesn't.
It's the rules.
What about the jizz sisters then? Excuse me? The jizz sisters! Isn't it supposed to be called for two friends to sleep with the same guy? And you'll like 'hey, let's compare notes on his wang'.
Then eat pizzas and hit each other with feather pillows and stuff.
Where do you get this stuff? Kathy Lang.
You know what? Whether we were on a break or not is irrelevant.
You could've banged any tart who finds your Napoleon Dynamite impression funny, but Ah! .
.
but you didn't.
You .
.
chose someone that I have a very strong connection with.
Surely even you can see how hurtful that would be.
I'm amazed that you can even be bothered getting into a tizz about all this right now.
Has it even registered with you, considering what's happening with Roo at the moment, that I'm officially dying? Dying! OK, yes.
I made a mistake, and yes, you got massively upset about it.
But at least you get to live, EJ.
You get to breathe God's air.
It's a bit melodramatic Dying! The doctors say it's only a matter of weeks.
This is all my fault.
Oh, darling! Don't be silly.
It's nobody's fault.
We just have to accept that he's not going to get better.
Bev and I have made our peace with that.
We just want him to slip calmly away.
Come on.
Let's give them some time alone.
(Whispers) Andrew, this is awful.
(Breathes heavily) I can't believe this might be my fault this is happening to you.
I'm so sorry.
I break people.
I just wish this last part wasn't so hard for you.
But I owe you.
Maybe I can end your pain.
OK, then.
(Heart monitor beeps faster) I guess, at least now I know he won't be in pain much longer.
Well, it's good.
Isn't it? I suppose so.
Saying goodbye is hard.
Isn't it? I just wanted to fix things, Dad.
I don't know if I did the right thing.
Andrew's been a part of your life for a long time.
You needed closure.
What do you mean 'fix things'? He deserved to die with dignity.
Didn't he? He Everyone Everyone deserves to die with dignity, no matter how it happens.
Do you mean euthanasia? You didn't smother Andrew with a pillow.
Did you? Dad! You know I'll love and support you, darling, but this isn't One Who Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and you are not the chief.
I didn't smother Andrew with a pillow.
I said bye to him intimately.
Intimately? How intimately? You don't want to know.
You didn't touch his bits, did you? Forget it.
I should never have mentioned anything.
You did, didn't you? You touched his bits.
Why would you do that? Is it some kind of necrophilia situation? It's nothing, don't worry.
I should talk to EJ about this.
You and EJ are not speaking.
I know! That's another problem.
Honestly! Necrophilia? It's not necrophilia! Alright.
Do you want us to talk about the ad or? Just write down any thoughts and put it in the box when you're done.
You OK? No.
The PowerPoint machine will work on its own if you want me to go.
I can I can get back to you, pretend to be working on the computers again.
I think that guy's cheating.
That guy in the Keep your eyes on your work, please.
(Giggles) Do you want to come to a party with me? Yeah, well.
I mean they design these in a way so sometimes there's a whole other part of the control under there.
Look, it's just a matter of making sure the button that says 'automatic' is off, and that should work directly with the DVD.
Oh! That is something else.
Isn't that something else? Dad's been trying to fix that for seven years.
You must be very talented, Charlie.
It's really not that hard.
I actually did a course in remote controls in TAFE.
What about this one? I keep trying to change the Foxtel channel, but it does absolutely bugger-all.
That's probably because it's the remote control for the garage door.
Perhaps we should label them.
I've got a label maker in my bag.
Isn't that nice, Nannan.
You can watch Bert on your birthday.
Don't waste your breath, sweetheart.
She's a deaf old shit.
Mum! Ice-cream cake.
Why she would want that tonight, I do not know.
Ice-cream cake at 92! Might as well throw her into a vat of ricotta cheese and make her swim her way out.
She likes ice-cream.
She likes making a mess and having me clean her up.
Don't you, Mum? Like a good scrub in the shower? Like a hose down? (Laughs) I say this with affection, mind.
Hm-mm! Can you do email on that? Um no.
It's a label maker.
He's wonderful.
Yes, he is.
I know.
And he has his own label maker.
Look at this.
Will you? At least if anyone smokes or drinks, we'll know it's on purpose.
You're going to ask him to stay the night in the caravan? No, thank you.
Go on.
I would.
Nan! (Chuckles) He's wonderful, you're wonderful.
Spend the night together.
I can't.
Oh! Why not? Because Because everyone I have sex with dies.
Frankly, not the exact sentence I imagined saying to my grandmother on Nannan's birthday, but there you are.
Everyone I have sex with dies.
Oh, darling! Me too.
Really? Really.
So this wait a minute.
So this is a thing? Some kind of family thing? Is the cake ready yet, Mum? Not sure she's going to stay awake much longer without medication.
Oh! Travelling.
Prop her up.
She can't eat cake like that.
ALL: ã For she's a jolly good fellow ã And so say all of us.
ã Hip, hip OTHERS: Hurray! Won't ask her to blow out the candles.
Let's learn our lesson from last year.
I might need help.
(All blow) (Laughs) Can I serve anyone some cake? Roo? It's got trees on it.
Roo? I'll have some, Charlie.
Why don't you leave out the plastic golfer? I wouldn't want to get a nine iron stuck in my throat.
Whoa! (Laughs) Nine iron! Oh! I like golfing jokes.
Oh! Nannan's in the bath.
How she managed to get ice-cream cake in her armpit, I'll never know.
It's a gift.
Listen, Nan.
What you said before about everyone you've ever been with dying.
What's going? Oh! Nannan's in the bath.
You might have warned me.
You didn't know.
Did you? I didn't ask to be faced with her haggy sex when I walked in.
Did I? Mum, we're kind of in the middle of something.
You know Charlie's stuck out there with your father.
Don't you? We're talking about sex.
Oh! Girl talk.
Who's sexing who? Is this about Zach? I always thought he'd be rather well endowed.
The scruffy one? Oh! I wouldn't have thought so.
Oh, my God! So you run a men's group.
A few actually.
You interested? No! I was just making Small talk.
Yeah! We deal a lot with communication issues.
Oh! (Sniggers) Don't think I've got communication issues.
You seem to have a problem with silence.
No.
I was being polite.
Showing an interest? Right.
Never be afraid of silence, Charlie.
It can reveal a lot of truths.
I didn't think I was.
Never be afraid of silence.
Oh! It affects you deeply.
Anything like this.
Doesn't it? Your love is past and you take him back to that moment in life when you were his.
Just a moment of beautiful, romantic grief.
Who were they? The men.
There was Johnny Miller.
It was many moons ago, of course.
And your Pop.
Wait! That's it? That's it.
Can I have a turn now? Are all your guys still alive? Of course, they are.
Then, no.
But Pop only died last year of natural causes.
So? So when did Johnny Miller die? Oh! It was June.
2006, I think it was.
I still think of him from time to time.
(Sighs) All your lovers die eventually when you get to my age.
That's the overhead one.
That's the kitchen, that's the pool.
(Mumbles) I put it in after I saw Spooks, you know.
I want to get a surveillance camera outside.
I love machines.
I'm not very good at them, but I love machines.
That one.
That's a secret one that turns on the passageway over there.
That one's the garage.
You can You've got any questions? Uh What does What does that one do again? I once did it with Rick Springfield in the back of a Datsun 121.
Oh, Mum! Please.
How come I have to sit here and listen to my mother talk about her sex life and yet when I do it, suddenly it's revolting? Because I was trying to work something out.
Work what out? What are you talking about? (Door rolling) Go on, go on.
Do it again.
(Chuckles) You're right.
It bloody was the garage door.
(Laughs) The neighbours must've thought we'd gone mad.
Is Roo coming? Do it again.
Wider.
Let it go.
(Laughs) Yes! It is the door.
God! Oh! I'm sure they're not all dying.
They are.
Brendan, Leighton, the guy with the wonky eye you always said was winking at you.
It's a series of unfortunate coincidences.
You're being hysterical.
It's not.
Why won't you listen? I thought we were going to sit here and have a good natter about sex.
Now you're being morbid.
I'm not! Oh! Action stations.
Mum's just had a poo in the bath.
It's just a little one.
Can you grab the rubber gloves there? (Sounds from TV) Where's Charlie? I offered to play Mastermind with him, then all of a sudden he said he had to go.
You're not going to do that unconscious thing with him.
Are you? (Phone rings) Shit! 'Morning, sweetheart! Sleep well? Not really.
Is the Grim Reaper hungry? Mum, that's not funny.
Sorry, darling.
But the whole thing is just too ridiculous.
What do you mean 'Grim Reaper'? Nothing.
She means nothing.
She thinks she's killing people.
What? With sex.
Oh! Is that what the necrophilia talk was all about? What necrophilia talk? I'm not a necrophiliac.
Oh! You mean like the AIDS? It's not The AIDS.
It's her imagination.
And that's why I didn't want to tell you.
Thank you for listening (!) Well, if it is the AIDS, we can still support her.
Look at that Greg Louganis guy.
He's done alright for himself.
Magic Johnson.
Hi.
Hey! Glad you could make it in time.
Is he really that close? Doctors reckon it's a matter of hours.
Shit! I know.
Ready? I don't know.
ANDREW, ON TV: 'Apparently there are magic turtles in here.
Gold ones.
' This must be when he went to the casino.
Remember, he got the currency wrong? Thought he was betting 50c but he was betting 50 bucks.
That's why he called us at four in the morning, because he was broke.
(Sniffs) Market food.
He always loved his market food.
ANDREW, ON TV: 'This is the real McCoy.
I'm going to be honest, I'm a worried about the pickpockets, but I'm going to be cool.
' (TV sounds continue) MAN, ON TV: 'I spiritual doctor.
I put curse for you.
$10 for you.
' 'Oh! No, no! I'm fine.
Thank you.
' 'Someone breaking your heart, I put curse for you.
' 'Well, there is an old girlfriend.
' 'Girlfriend my specialty.
' 'Can you make her feel how it is to lose people?' '$10 for you.
' 'No, $5 and you have a deal.
' 'OK.
For you.
' '$5? That's a good deal.
' 'I think I just saw a monkey with a hat.
' Can we rewind that? I think it's a curse! Andrew put a curse on me.
Look, I really miss you and I love you.
I know I messed up.
But there's a reason now.
I'm cursed! So the curse made you have sex with Zach? I know that was unforgivable.
I need you to help me work through this.
Mum and Dad think I'm mental.
I can't talk right now.
Where are you going? My cousin's funeral.
Oh, my God! Which one? Stuart.
He was in a car accident.
You didn't happen to have sex with him, did you? I have to go.
Pull the door shut and try not having sex with anything while I'm out.
So you click here and you just press 'new game', someone appears and you chat to them.
Oh! It's not all painless.
You get used to it actually.
Oh, my God! Oh! Sorry! That is not on.
I'm going to report them to the board of writers.
But it's pretty good for the most part.
Just the other day I was talking to the actress who played Precious in the movie.
Really? I suppose it could've just been a fat chick in a mask.
Hi! Hi! Roo, have you played this Chatroulette? Is that all sorts of penises? Never mind.
Can you talk for a sec? I'm a bit busy actually.
I meant Charlie.
What about? It's kind of I just wanted to say Anyway, sorry that things got a bit busy.
What did? My great-grandmother's birthday.
That's OK.
It's not really.
Forget about it.
Doesn't matter.
Have you guys Um.
? What? Uh! (Sniggers) You have! Ooh! Um Nannan just had to take a bath.
Gross! And we got caught up talking and it it was stupid and thoughtless.
It's done now.
OK? Don't worry about it.
OK.
Phew! Hound! You totally paid her, man.
Oh! Hello! I'm Darren.
No.
They've gone.
I can't believe it! I know.
Right? No-one here can explain it.
And you know what doctors are like.
They don't exactly like to use the word 'miracle', but here I am.
And you're better? I don't know about completely cured, but apparently I was only a couple of hours off.
Now I'm getting better every hour.
This just makes no sense at all.
And it's amazing! Really great! There's really no easy way to ask this.
Did you put a curse on me a couple of years ago? What? A curse.
You were on holiday and some guy was going to put a curse on your ex That's right.
Oh! That was nothing.
Just a little curse.
He was also selling chickens and Wedding Planner DVDs.
I don't think he could put a curse on anybody.
You you're not seriously upset, are you? Everything's shit! Everyone's dying.
I thought that was the reason, because you cursed me.
I'm not dying? You were! I was, but something happened and now I'm not.
Look, I don't even know you or anything, or what your intentions are with Roo Um OK.
I'm just going to say it.
Go with me because it does sound a little bit weird.
You're probably going to die.
Sorry? I know it's a bit intense, but trust me, it's better hearing it first hand.
One brother to another.
You thought about getting a fixie? Thanks for meeting me.
I'm not going to lie to you, Roo.
Life's pretty rough at the moment.
It's hard to go anywhere, you know without expecting to die.
I mean right now part of me is like 'is this beer poisoned?' Another part's like 'fuck it! Just drink it.
Life's for the living.
' That's deep.
Hm! Time's ticking away, man.
Tickin' away.
Maybe not.
Nah! I'm next.
That's how it goes.
You maybe I may have found a loophole.
What do you mean? Well, I went back there .
.
with an ex, Andrew.
He was sick, he was really sick.
After we you know he got better.
What are you doing? Are you crazy? Let's do this.
Let's get this over with.
I want to shake this bitch curse.
It's not definite, it's a theory.
It's definite enough for me.
I'm not having sex with you on the table.
Toilets then! Plenty of room in the disabled, if you don't mind the smell.
Even if it worked, I can't do this to EJ.
You guys need to talk.
It's not morally right.
Fuck morals! Are you seriously going to hold off on me because of some stupid girl code? It's my life we're talking about.
Let's go to the Dannies.
Zach, I appreciate this is frustrating for you, I really do.
But she's my best friend.
We have to work it out another way.
Pull your pants up.
Um You pull yours up.
But he looked better.
I just saw him.
He said it was a miracle.
It was.
Obviously not a good one because he's dead.
Poor Andrew.
There's this thing people get sometimes when they've been ill before they pass on.
It's like a second wind.
They perk up, they get lucid.
Say goodbye to their loved ones.
I'm so sorry, darling.
I didn't think It just sounds so absurd.
Doesn't it? I know.
That's the problem.
Death is a transition.
It's a step between the earth and the unknown Not now, Dad.
Please.
We are here for you, darling.
No matter what has happened or why.
Thanks, Mum.
You should be happy you had those final moments with Andrew.
They're precious, precious things.
Always cherish them.
Harness those into your life force.
Graham.
Sorry.
(Knocking) Your dad pointed me out here.
I just wasn't really ready to talk.
I'm sorry.
That's OK.
I'm having a bit of a shit time.
I understand.
That's nice, but I don't think you do.
It's a bit full-on to explain.
Actually, I had it explained to me.
Your friend Zach.
Oh, God! Yeah! It's not as bad as it seems.
I It is, but there's definitely a reasonable explanation.
I haven't found out that that is yet.
But I will.
So if you think I'm some sort of psycho sex fiend or a dick, please don't call the police.