Last Man Standing s05e17 Episode Script

Tanks for the Memories

You wanted to see me, Baxter? No.
I want to talk to you.
Seeing you is an unfortunate by-product.
Look at this.
Oh, no.
Somebody bwoke your wittle twuck.
It's a tank.
And if it weren't for the M4 Sherman tank instead of speaking baby talk, you'd be sprechen sie Deutsch! What do we want to do about this? Well, I recommend a two-pronged attack.
All right.
Okay, number one try to grow up.
Number two when that proves impossible, leave your toys at home.
I've seen your desk.
You got all the Jackson Bobbleheads.
Mm, I'm not really seeing the connection there.
Why don't we get back to the crime of the century? This isn't the first time this happened, right? Mm-hmm.
Somebody is coming here at night and playing with my stuff, right under the watchful eyes of your crack security team.
All right, so what do you want me to do, uh, station a guy in your office to make sure your toys don't get broken? You want me to station a guy in your office to make sure your toys don't get broken.
This is custom-made stuff.
The track is broken.
I got to custom order this, right? Which means this Sherman tank is out.
Which means my left flank is now open and tiny Hitler wins.
Can you see tiny Hitler, Mike? Is he in the room with us? Mock me if you want and get fired.
Help me with this.
All right.
I'll do something about it.
Tonight I'll bring in my best man.
Thank you.
Jermaine Jackson.
N-Nothing gets past Jermaine.
He's like Hey.
Old wrinkly sweats.
Honey, if you've officially given up, I'm having more bacon.
I am wearing these because I haven't given up.
I'm going out to get some exercise.
Well, good for you.
I still want more bacon.
I'm going power walking.
Helen Potts is stopping by to pick me up.
Oh, great.
Helen Potts is coming over.
My legs want to run, but there's more bacon, so my stomach wants to stay.
I'm literally tearing myself apart over this.
Come on.
She's nice.
And, you know, I give her a lot of credit.
She's getting out there, trying to put her life back together after Tom's passing.
It's been two years since he faked his death, right? Hey! Either way, he's in a better place.
You know, you can't fool me.
You like Helen.
I do.
If you didn't, not even bacon could keep you here.
Never underestimate the power of pork.
You wouldn't talk like that if you heard the nice things she says about you.
Yeah? You don't know.
Hey, Helen.
Hey, Vanessa.
Hi, Mike.
Good morning.
Do you know that you're the reason that we always start the power walk over here? Really? Yeah, I see you, and I want to get away as fast as I can.
You're right, honey.
She does love me.
Well, I wouldn't go that far ever.
But, uh, I-I did bring you this.
Yeah? Oh.
Looks like a nice jacket.
Looks good.
It fits! Beautiful, and I like it.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, I just couldn't let it be buried with Tom.
Even though it looked great on him in the coffin.
Great a dead guy's coat.
Nice, thanks.
I'm clearing out all of Tom's stuff.
You know, I'm trying to move on with my life, but it's hard with all of his things in the house.
I understand what you mean.
I mean, nobody believes me when I say this, but it'll be hard for me when Mike passes.
Would you like some cheese on your bacon? It's nice to hear that you're moving on.
You know, getting out, maybe meet a guy.
You know, get back on the market.
Real nice, Mike.
Made me feel like a fresh slab of meat.
No one said "fresh.
" You know, you always make me feel better about not having a man in my life.
Yeah? Not exactly up to you, now is it? Okay! Okay! Ding! Ding! Round's over.
You know, I just don't know if I'm ready to date.
You know, I'm trying to take this moving-on thing one step at a time, but there is something that I could use your help with.
Everything is gone except for Tom's hobby stuff in the basement, and that I just I can't be there when the buyer comes to get it.
Would you do it? We'd be happy to.
Hold on a second.
Meeting strangers in her basement while she has an alibi.
This is gonna end up on Netflix.
Kyle, we have a disaster at the restaurant.
Go find Kristin, please.
Yes, sir.
Here she is.
Good work, son.
We're turning this thing around already.
What's this about? Yelp.
Yipes! What's this about? No, uh, I think he's talking about Yelp, the the website where customers write reviews.
And the Outdoor Man Grill just got a terrible one by someone who goes by Bubba X.
Oh, no.
That's our target demographic a hillbilly Muslim.
I'm serious, Kristin.
A lot of people read these things, and this could hurt our business.
Oh, okay, well, did he say who he had a problem with? I-I'll just talk to him.
No, I don't think you're the person to do that.
Listen to this "My dining experience at Outdoor Man Grill made me envy the braised ostrich who didn't have to sit through it.
Manager Kristin Baxter was dismissive and inattentive.
She was such a shrew, I'm surprised she wasn't on the menu.
" "Zero stars.
" Yipes.
Ed, uh, you know how well I treat our customers.
This just sounds like somebody who's who's trying to get a free meal.
Well, it worked.
That's exactly what you're gonna do.
You're gonna invite him back.
And I will be sure to turn on the Kristin Baxter charm.
Let's see that smile.
You know what? Give him some free calamari, too.
I really appreciate you handling this sale for me, guys.
Of course, Helen.
We understand how difficult it is to part with such memories.
Man, Tom built himself quite the man cave.
Looks like he was really trying to get away from something.
What was Tom's hobby? War.
Yeah, yeah.
I had boxes of these tanks.
Got all sorts of tanks in there artillery pieces, he's got the big Tiger II, an M5 Stuart.
This is like Easter and I found all the eggs! These are all the tanks from the Battle of the Bulge.
That was Tom's favorite.
Yeah, but for tanks battles it's Kursk.
That was the battle.
But for pure mayhem, you got to love the Bulge.
Well, every year on the anniversary of the battle December 16th through January 25th.
I'm impressed.
I will give you $500 if you can tell me when our anniversary is.
She's a public-school teacher.
She doesn't have $500.
Anyway, Tom would, like, re-enact the whole battle.
You know, on the 16th, he would come down here in the morning That's when the Germans attacked, those sneaky bastards.
And he would lay everything out on this.
Do you know what this is, Vanessa? This is the entire battlefield.
That's it? Then why did World War II take so long? So, he built all this, and he built these tanks? Oh, yeah.
He'd position all the tanks, and then every day, he'd move these markers around exactly the way the battle unfolded.
Does he have any more of these tanks? Oh, tons.
These grown men and their toy tanks.
You know, sometimes it seems like you and I married the same man.
You know, the kids and I always wanted Tom to explain this battle to us, but we never got around to it.
Sounds pretty emotional for you.
Tell you what, why don't we just move all this stuff to my house and I'll sell all the tanks from there? You know, or whatever.
I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
I've already sold them.
And the buyer's on the way.
A deal's a deal.
I'm so sorry.
A deal's a deal, that's for sure.
No kidding.
You got to honor that I'm gonna get these tanks.
She said no.
Somebody Hey, somebody already bought them.
Face it you can't have these.
I've never wanted anything more in my entire life than these tanks.
That's what you said about me 30 years ago.
I already got you.
Now I've moved on to something else.
Thanks again, Mike, for all your help.
You and Vanessa have been so supportive through all of this.
Well, Vanessa has.
Well, that's the yin and the yang of our relationship.
She does good things, I am yang.
Mike, Helen, the, uh the buyer's here.
Oh, hey.
This is Teresa.
And I am so excited about these tanks.
Well, I'm I'm just glad that they're gonna go to somebody who will love them as much as Tom did.
Hey, hey, hey.
No tears.
Come on, let's get you out of here before you change your mind.
Uh, so you're gonna buy all these tanks.
First up, I should tell you that there's a lot lead paint involved in these, so if your kids were to put them in their mouths, their test scores will go right into the toilet.
I'm actually buying them for me.
But, you know, I-I'll take note of what you said, there.
That's some really great ad great advice.
"Don't eat them.
" All these tanks are for you? Yeah.
Of course they are.
Well, it's just that a woman of your poise and elegance, playing with toy tanks seems kind of goofy.
Oh, well, actually, I commanded a tank maintenance unit in Iraq.
I can take a tank apart and put it back together in a sandstorm.
Well, doesn't sound so goofy now, does it? You know, I kind of get the impression that, uh you don't want me to buy these.
I don't.
Is it something to do with Helen? She seems like she doesn't want to sell them, that she's still attached to them.
Yeah, you noticed that.
That's That's why you're good around tanks.
You understand that under the steel plates, there's a beating heart.
So why is she doing this? Well, that that other woman with her Yes? with the hair and the teeth is is her v-very mean sister.
And she, uh, didn't like Tom, the husband, and so she's making Helen get rid of everything that reminded her of that.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you saw she was getting out of here, she even said, "Don't cry!" 'Cause, you know, she doesn't want her to cry, even shed a tear for the poor old guy.
That's That's horrible.
Ah, she's awful! Nothing Nothing would make sweet Helen happier than Mm coming down here and seeing these tanks exactly the way old big Tom left them.
You know, I I can't take them from that poor woman.
Of course you can't.
No, you can't.
So, I wouldn't I wouldn't blame you.
Oh, gosh.
That's a good choice.
You know, here's what I think we should keep it between us Okay.
'cause you don't want to get on the bad side of that sister.
Boy, she she's a badger.
Lemonade? No, thank you.
I was just leaving.
Uh, what what about your tanks? Ah, don't you mean Tom's tanks? They're staying here, right where they belong! What did I do? Honey, sometimes things aren't all about you.
But now that we've removed the obstacle, I'm ready to accept my reward.
What happened? Oh.
T-Teresa changed her mind.
And then she said she'd pray for me.
People! People are nuts! Listen, here's what I'm gonna do.
How about I buy all the tanks? Whatever she was gonna pay you, I'll add 10%, and I will pray for you.
Thanks, Mike.
You're a good friend.
Seriously? S You are gonna Hey, look at me.
Look at me! You are gonna let that poor woman think you are doing this out the kindness of your heart? She's grieving right now.
She needs a hero.
What? Kristin.
Hmm? Is Bubba X here? Oh, any minute, and I promise he will have a great experience.
Oh, and, when you shake hands with him lighten up, all right? 'Cause you've got a real East German thing going on.
Hey, Eve.
Uh, I don't really have time to talk.
I-I'm expecting someone.
You're expecting me.
Bubba X, party of one.
You're Bubba X? Well, my friends call me "Bubba.
" Hi, Bubba! Can we all pick new names? Oh, can I be "Hootie"? Eve, did you think that that review was funny? Uh, a little.
That part about you being a mole person was hilarious.
It was a shrew.
And I am not one.
I don't know why you wouldn't want to be.
They can see in the dark.
Could you get back to work, please? Hootie out.
All right, you know what, Kris? My review was mostly honest.
What are you talking about? Uh, when Cammy and I came in last week, you treated me like crap.
What? I have never treated a customer with anything but the upmost respect.
I know, but you didn't treat me like a customer.
You treated me like your little sister.
What does that mean? You stuck me in the corner by the kitchen.
It was like being put at the kid's table at Thanksgiving but without the food.
I-I don't know if you've noticed, Kristin, but I-I'm an adult now.
Then act like one.
If an adult was having a bad experience, they would speak with the manager, okay? Not post a bogus review that could hurt my business.
Uh, "bogus"? You made me wait, I got a bad table, and you even gave our candle to an old man who couldn't read his menu.
So, what do you say we get this started with some calamari, rings only, pick out the gross ones with the tiny legs, okay? Or we could start you off with a big fat "no," followed by the door and the parking lot.
Well, I just might have to update my review then.
Oh, knock yourself out.
Oh, and, hey, let me know if you need any help with that.
Hey, you.
Uh, honey, I prefer when I'm in front of my troops you call me "General.
" Can I ask you something? What is it with you and tanks? Oh, uh, General.
It's a big metal machine with a huge gun.
What's the mystery? It was my Grandpa Jack.
He got me involved with this stuff.
Yeah, he made these these little models, too? His tanks were a little bit bigger 19 feet long, 66,000 pounds.
He made tanks? Yes, he did.
Gosh, I always thought he worked for Chrysler.
Well, he did, but during the war, Chrysler, along with the other car companies, stopped making cars and started making stuff, including tanks.
I bet that's why the cars in the '50s were so damn big.
'Cause the He got me this kit.
It was just like this a Sherman tank.
I had to build it, he wouldn't help, 'cause he said, "I do enough of that stuff at work.
" So tanks were your connection to him.
Kind of feels like he's sitting right here with us, although he'd be right there, going, "Cronkite? He's a pinko.
" Yeah.
I guess, uh, that's what it's like for Helen, too.
You know, tanks and Tom these are all just part of one nice memory.
I bet that's why it was so hard for her to let them go.
But, you know, I mean, at least you got what you wanted.
So you enjoy.
Oh, I-I will.
I'm gonna enjoy it.
Can't stop me from enjoying it.
Damn it! Oh, no, you're closed.
Looks like I'm late for more terrible service.
Get in here, Bubba.
All right, fine.
What did you want to talk to me about? So, uh, I took another look at your review and it wasn't totally inaccurate.
This is totally starting to sound like an apology.
Go on.
That night was crazy, and when I saw you sitting there I thought, "Hey, at least there's one table that I don't have to worry about.
" Or serve.
At all.
Look, Eve, I know you're 18 now, but sometimes all I can see is that adorable little girl who used to waterboard her Barbies.
Hey, I got a lot of good intel on Ken.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
And you were right, posting that review was pretty immature, so I took it down.
I promise to stop using the Internet to blackmail family members.
Good thing.
Are we cool? Ah, yeah, actually, there is one more thing.
Ladies, your table awaits.
What's going on? I organized a three-course meal for the two of us.
I thought, "Hey, since we're both adults now, we could enjoy a fancy meal together.
" But, Kris, it's after 10:00.
Well, yeah, I had to wait for the restaurant to close.
Besides, what's more grown-up than staying awake late at night? Owing a briefcase.
Just get the appetizers, Hootie.
Well, now that we're both adults, what do you say we get some wine up in these glasses? Don't push it, kiddo.
Who's down there?! I got a gun! Well, good luck.
I got 50 tanks.
It's me, Helen.
Mike! Well, I'm glad it's you.
I actually don't have a gun.
That's good.
It's always smart to say you have one when you don't.
What? What do you think? What did you do? This looks exactly the way that Tom used to set it up.
Well, that's kind of the point.
Now you can come down with your boys and jog your memories any time you want.
A lot of people were telling me that I needed to get rid of all this stuff so that I could move on.
Maybe they just wanted your stuff.
People are awful.
There's nothing wrong with holding on to a few memories.
This is so cool.
The boys are gonna love this.
I just wish that Tom had taught us how to set up all these battles.
Well, I'll tell you what anytime you want, I'll come over and tell you and you boys exactly what happened here.
Spoiler alert the good guys won.
You love this stuff so much that you'd be willing to spend time with me? Yeah, you never underestimate the power of tanks and pork.
Hey, hey, Baxter.
Got a minute? You know, I was just about to leave, so why don't I just do that? You You want to talk? Talk to the chair.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I ran into somebody at the VFW last night.
She told me a story about being tricked out of some model tanks she was trying to buy.
Yeah, it's a cute story.
Talk to the chair.
Oh! Teresa! Mm-hmm.
So, I was talking to Chuck, and I just mentioned the name "Mike Baxter" and his eyes lit up.
They were lit already.
I'd been there a while.
Carol's mother's in town.
Yeah, well, I don't care what story Chuck told you.
I put the tanks back in Helen's basement.
He told me that.
And that is why I brought you this.
Well, look at that.
You fixed my tank.
A lot easier doing it not inside of a sandstorm.
I love all military stuff.
Grew up with it.
Proud to say that my father was a Tuskegee Airman.
My dad was in the military, too.
Now he sells pot.

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