Last Man Standing s05e18 Episode Script

He Shed She Shed

Oh, boy.
Working at my desk.
I think I'd rather walk in on you and my brother.
Hi, honey.
I needed more space.
We talked about this.
You working at my desk was a one-time experiment that failed, like Obamacare.
Mike, my desk is ridiculously small and I have all these midterms to grade.
There just wasn't enough room for the tests and oh, my tears.
Why didn't you just use the kitchen table? I tried.
I-I can't focus near cake.
Come on, we we've shared spaces a lot smaller than this.
Oh, remember our Leetsdale apartment? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Used to dream about moving into a tollbooth so I could have more elbow room.
I loved that place.
You know, we had that foosball table, and and we would cut out magazine pictures and put them on the walls.
Well, we didn't have money for art.
We blew all our money on luxuries, like heat and soap.
Well, we may not have have had a lot of space or stuff, but we had fun.
Yeah, good story.
Anyhow, let's fast-forward to the part where we have a big home and we're rich.
All right.
Mike, just give me an hour, and I'll get out of your hair.
Okay, well, how much time have you been here? I want that to count against your hour.
I promise, when you need to work at the desk, then I'll be happy to move.
I need to work at my desk.
Really? I need to work at a way not to share my desk.
They're called She Sheds.
Yeah? It's like a Man Cave for women.
So, instead of the football stuff and cigars, we have taste.
Cool, right? It doesn't have to be cool.
I just have to get your mom in it.
Hey, guys.
So, what are you doing over there? We just might've solved your problem about using my office.
I don't have a problem with that.
Well, whoever's problem it is, I'm gonna fix it.
Stand here.
I want you to look out by the back of the fence.
See that area right there? That's gonna be your new office.
In the birdhouse? No, no.
The birds go in the birdhouse.
Why are you always trying to take somebody else's space? Ah, no.
No, no, no, no.
Left of that, that little flat area, I'm gonna build you your own She Shed! A shed? Well A shed? So I'm on the same level as a lawn mower now? No.
There are custom-built sheds, like something you have a home.
It's it's like a house that'd be outside, like an out That's not right.
Here, check them out.
She Sheds are super trendy.
Bethenny from "Real Housewives" has one.
Yeah, Bethenny has one.
It's the perfect place to work or unwind or throw a glass of Chardonnay in your frenemy's face.
You like Chardonnay.
Okay, let's stop.
Oh, wow.
They're actually pretty nice.
You you would build one of those for me? Anything for my beautiful lawn mower.
Yeah, but it'll take too long.
I need space now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
These come in kits.
I could build one of those in three days.
I'll get Kyle to help you.
All right, 12 days.
Well, yeah.
Yes! Good, great.
Go for it.
By the way What? "That's what she shed.
" I can't believe I still get butterflies in my stomach about "Employee of the Month.
" I should be used to it.
I've won, like, a zillion times.
And I've swallowed a butterfly.
W-where's Ed? I do not have time for this.
Hey, hey, I know who's gonna win.
But I shouldn't say.
I don't want to spoil it.
But I'll give you a hint Me.
Thanks, the suspense was killing me.
Really, this is this is all killing me.
I don't want to brag, but it's not like anyone else had a chance after I came up with Break Room Bingo.
Because before that, all you could do in the break room was relax.
I can already taste my riblet basket I will be buying with my $15 gift card to Applebee's.
That's all you get? Well, that and a bucket full of "feel good.
" Thank you all for coming to this mandatory gathering.
It's that time again where we hand out the "Employee of the Month" award, where we celebrate the one employee whose job is secure.
Only kidding.
I don't care how many times you've won this thing.
You slack off, you're gone.
Anyway, moving on.
All right, this month's winner is Keep it together, Kyle.
Act like you've been there before.
Kristin Baxter! Cool, thanks.
That's Okay, let's get back to work! Smile through it, Kyle.
Smile through the tears.
All right, it's got to go down a tad.
Up, up, up a hair.
Up a hair.
That was a full smidge.
Don't you guys know your construction terms? No, I don't.
I guess I'm done here.
You're done here? Yeah? Who helped you move your washing machine? The kid next door.
Who told you to ask the kid next door? For three days, you've been promising me pizza.
Where is my damn pizza? Just be happy, like Kyle.
Kyle, you're happy to work, right? Oh, yeah, I love helping you, Mr.
You know, but when you first asked me, I thought you said "Sheep Shed.
" We had one of those when I was a kid.
When I couldn't sleep, I used to go in there and count them.
Which backfired.
Because for having hooves, they are are surprisingly good at stealing blankets.
I'm just saying I'm glad it's not a Sheep Shed, you know, because the friends you make in there you eventually eat.
That's farm life.
So, they could be batting its eyelashes at you in the morning, then be swimming in gravy on your plate that night.
I need you to go to the hardware store.
What do you need? I just need you to go to the hardware store.
On it, sir.
You know, Baxter, I'm impressed that you're doing this for Vanessa.
Well, she needs the space, you know? Sometimes I feel terrible looking at her work at that cramped, little desk of hers.
And other times I go, "Hell, I make more money.
" This is gonna be some sanctuary.
Lucky her.
Out here all isolated.
Love it.
Plus, it's got one thing my office doesn't have.
A nice person in it.
A door.
I've always wanted my office to have a door.
You can shut the world out.
Just be in all by yourself with your thoughts and a big plate of nachos.
But this is for Vanessa, right? Yeah, yeah, but I'm worried.
She won't like it way out here 'cause it's so lonely.
Wait, you mean I'm wasting my weekend building a shed that's not even gonna be used? I'm a tad No, I'm a full smidge pissed.
Calm down.
We're gonna finish the project.
But I'm thinking maybe turning this She Shed into a He Shed.
So you're just gonna take it from her? No, I'm not gonna take it from her.
I'm gonna convince her that she doesn't really want it.
And that it would be a better idea if I had it.
That way we'll both be happy.
That's a lot of dominoes, Baxter.
Good luck.
Sometimes I wonder why that woman stays married to you.
I think you need to go to the hardware store.
Surprise! Well, I'm, uh definitely surprised.
Oh, you you don't like it.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's it's just I-I mean, I know you didn't have a ton of time Yeah.
but it just it looks nothing like the pictures.
It seems less like an office and more like a place you'd be taken for a whuppin'.
Well, technically, whuppin's happen behind sheds.
But I-I-I get it.
It's It's just not great.
It's just, uh It's kind of cold in here, too.
Yeah, well, it is a shed.
But the good thing is, in the summer it's uncomfortably hot.
So it kind of balances out.
I guess I guess I could just I could put a desk right here.
I'm putting it right there.
No, I what I mean, you'd have your desk right here.
Let me What, are those mousetraps? Well, the the little ones are.
The big ones are for skunks.
Let me handle rodent control.
You know what? I know.
It's okay.
It's okay.
You don't like the place.
I don't want you suffering out here.
You don't have to come out here.
What kind of husband would I be if I made you come out here? No.
An awesome one.
No, you did this for me, Mike.
I am gonna make it work.
Oh, make it work.
Oh, I you know, last time you said that, it involved that jumpsuit, and that didn't work out so well, did it? I'm not afraid of a challenge or project.
I married you, didn't I? Look, I-I-I need the space.
I mean, what other choice do I have? Why don't we go back to our original idea? We just share my desk.
Really? Yeah.
Are you sure you want to do that? I would, you know.
You're a teacher, and children are the future.
Why are we even talking about this? Okay.
Yeah, but, I mean, you worked so hard on this.
W-what are we gonna do with the shed, then? I don't know.
I'll think of something.
Oh, oh, ooh! You know what? We could make it A gift-wrap room.
Like I said, I'll think of something.
So, have you been enjoying the nice picture of yourself online? What are you talking about? Oh, don't pretend you haven't been to the Outdoor Man website, clicked the "About Us" link, scrolled over to the drop-down menu for the newsletter fifth page, right above Birthdays "Employee of the Month" picture.
Yeah, like you didn't know about that.
Kyle, what what do you want? I wanted to ask, when you go to redeem your gift card and I highly recommend the riblet basket would you say hello to Helen for me? Who's Helen? Helen's been my waitress there the last several times I've redeemed the "Employee of the Month" gift card.
She might be wondering, like a lot of the people around here, how in blue blazes you won instead of me.
Look, Kyle, I really don't care about this, so W-wait a minute.
People don't think I should have won? Oh, I I've said too much.
Fine, don't tell me.
No, no, okay, okay, I'll tell you.
It's just, a few weeks ago, when you fired Oliver, I got the feeling that people weren't too happy about it.
Nobody said anything to me.
People don't want to confront the dragon lady.
That's weird.
Ooh, wait.
So, why would people vote for me if they don't like me? I don't know.
Um Mr.
Alzate is the one that counts the votes, so maybe he "arranged" for "you" to "win.
" Stop stop doing that on every word, please.
It wasn't "every" word.
Anyway, maybe he fixed it to protect your feelings.
No, that doesn't sound like Ed.
Maybe he fixed it to protect your feelings.
Anyway, enjoy your photo and your parking spot, and, of course, the $15 gift card.
Actually, they they raised it to $25.
And the rich get richer.
What's going on in here? I'm glad you asked.
This is a Newton's Cradle.
It demonstrates Sir Isaac Newton's principles of conservation of momentum and kinetic energy.
See? Mm.
I just like the way the balls do this.
Does Dad know you're messing around with his desk? Our desk.
Your dad and I are sharing this space now.
Sharing? Yeah.
That doesn't sound like Dad.
Wasn't there talk of an electric fence here at one point? Yeah, I know your father doesn't always play well with others, but he was genuinely happy when he offered it.
"Dad," "happy," "sharing.
" This doesn't add up.
Watch out for the end game.
There's always an end game.
Eve, Eve.
Yeah? Your car needs gas.
Don't forget.
I like it already.
You do? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not I'm not taking over too much? No.
I think it's important that you make this space your own.
Okay, okay.
So you would be genuinely happy if if I did a few other things in here? Yeah.
You know me.
I'm all about change.
Because I'm gonna take the guns off the wall and get rid of the model cars.
It sounds like you have your own vision.
I'll just get out of your way.
But but but you would be comfortable in here when you're using the desk? Yeah, 100%.
Yeah, definitely.
And if I'm not, you know, I'll just find another place else to work.
Like the shed? Whoa, whoa.
I've never even thought of that.
Honey, do you ever have a bad idea? Eh? What do you think? I took your idea and ran with it.
Why didn't I see this coming? Come on, honey.
I know you better than that.
You would never have liked it out here.
You like it in the house with all that hubbub and hullabaloo.
I've seen you enjoy a good brouhaha.
No, no, no.
Don't pretend you're doing this for me, Mike.
You're doing it for you.
I'm doing it for both of us.
You get to share my desk, I get this space out here.
It's the perfect solution.
We both got our space.
Why didn't you just tell me you wanted the shed? I want the shed.
Why? Why? I mean, don't you have enough places you can go off and be by yourself? I mean, your garage, your basement.
This is just another place for you to run away.
From me.
I'm not running away from you, honey.
Come on.
I'm running away from everybody.
You just happen to be part of everybody.
Well, I'm not supposed to be part of everybody.
I am supposed to be part of us.
You are.
But us is more successful now, so us has more space.
No, Mike, no, no.
Look, we left our Leetsdale apartment when we had Kristin because we needed more space for our family.
But now the kids are leaving.
It just seems like you want to keep all this space between us.
There's nobody I'd rather spend time with than you.
Baxter! I got the beer.
And I brought my own darts.
D-dah I I should probably go.
Leave the beer.
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with a few thoughts about wiring.
No, not the kind that runs your lights or your five TVs Yes, five.
I just put one in the bathroom.
So cool.
I'm talking about the wiring up here in our melons.
It's funny.
Men spend so much time and energy trying to find a woman, convince her to be with us, then once we do, we're putting a TV in the bathroom.
By the way, it's hi-def, 800 channels.
I watch three.
We're not wired the way women are.
We like to be alone, always have.
Caveman dragging home an antelope sees an empty cave and thinks, "Hey, I could just sit in there a little while before I go home to the wife.
" He goes in, it's full of other cavemen, grunting and wishing somebody invented liquor and sports.
How are women wired? I have no idea.
The only thing I know is the same current runs through both of our wiring.
And that current they call love.
It may be a pain in the ass that we have different wiring.
But you know what? It sure is fun that we have different plumbing.
Huh? Hey, Ed.
You know, just because you're "Employee of the Month" doesn't mean you don't have to knock.
Yeah, about that Uh, did I really win? What do you mean? I mean, you didn't by any chance, mm, tip things in my favor? Are you implying I care enough to rig an election I created, where the grand prize is a $25 gift card? I just find it hard to believe that I won.
Word is, I'm not the, uh, easiest person to work for.
I see.
You're worried your employees don't like you.
Yeah, well Everyone wants to be liked.
Followers want to be liked.
Leaders don't give a damn.
You're a leader.
I just worry that I may have ruffled some feathers when I fired Oliver.
Let me explain how this "Employee of the Month" thing works, all right? Every employee gets a vote, and they all vote for themselves.
See, I jump in and break the tie by choosing a winner.
I knew you rigged it.
See, most of the time I pick Kyle because he gets my coffee in the morning, and since he has the "Employee of the Month" parking spot, it's still hot when it gets here.
But this month, after you fired Oliver, all your restaurant employees voted for you.
Wait, they did? They probably got tired of him calling in sick and covering his shifts, or that he tried to date Stacy while being married to Jenny.
You knew about that? It's my store.
I know everything.
Look, the point is, you made the tough decision and fired him, like a leader.
They respect that.
So do I.
Thank you, Ed.
Your respect means a lot to me.
Don't mention it.
Don't mention it.
Oh, and by the way since you have that fancy parking spot for the month, I like my coffee like my moods Black.
Vanessa? Hey, there you are.
What are you doing? From now on, I'm gonna work here or in the kitchen.
And I don't want hear a peep from you about "cake weight.
" I don't want you to do this.
Well, you don't want to share your desk with me, do you? No, I don't.
You know, people who think honesty is so great have never lived with you.
Put the stuff down for a minute.
I want to show you something.
Come here.
Come here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
If you have turned this into an office for me, I don't want it.
I don't care what you've done with this stupid hut.
I don't want it.
How do you like that? How do you like when honesty is thrown into your face? Oh, my God.
It's our Leetsdale apartment.
Actually, it it's a bit roomier.
Oh! This looks just like our old chair.
Yeah, and if I spill bong water on it, it'll smell just like it.
Oh, you even got a foosball table.
Our foosball table.
The She Shed turned to He Shed is now a We Shed.
I don't know what to say.
And the cool thing, I got a a wood cover for this so you can actually use it as a work surface if you want.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Honey, I love you so much.
I love you.
You won't say that after I kick your ass like I used to.
I think your memory's going, old man.
Babe, I-I-I don't want to put any space between us.
Me either.
Unless it's humid.
What? It gets all sticky.
Nobody likes that.
One what? Oh.
To nothing.
Hey, Kyle, you doing anything after work? Oh, I'm just rushing home to see the "Kristin Baxter Story" on Lifetime.
I hear she gets "Employee of the Month" and forgets all her old friends.
Well, h-how about we go split a riblet basket? My treat.
I think you're doing that just to make a certain someone feel better.
Well, I hope it works.
You really are a nice person, Kristin.
Maybe they should make a movie about you.
Come on, let's go.
You know, and this is really gonna mean a lot to him.
To who? Oliver.
He works at Applebee's now.

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