Last Man Standing s06e20 Episode Script

Heavy Meddle

1 It is great to have you back in the house these next few months, Evie.
Yeah, well, I'm going to the Air Force Academy.
I can't have Ryan's pacifist nonsense in my head.
I mean, I like people, too, but sometimes you just got to drop bombs on them, you know? Ah, kids, they grow violent so fast.
Mike: Come on.
Rob: (Panting) Just breathe through it, for the love of God.
Put it down.
Here we go.
Last time we moved you in here, it was a much lighter load, if you remember.
It was a diaper.
That's not embarrassing at all in front of my boyfriend, Dad.
- Rest break? - Rest break? I know you're young, but maybe you want to get oxygen tanks and get them in a cute little backpack.
Vanessa: Honey.
Come on, leave him alone.
This is heavy, and Rob is so trim.
I'm gonna take things to your room.
In his defense, that was a lamp and a shade.
We get done with this early, hit a bucket of balls or go by the store and use the gun range.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Rob's gonna need a nap anyway.
He's had a big day.
- I like having her back here.
- Vanessa: Yeah.
You know, I know Eve's your little buddy, but I want to get some time with her, too.
You already had that extra nine months.
Come on, these are the last few months she's gonna be in the house, so share.
I get it.
You don't want your faint glow dwarfed by my blinding radiance.
Or you could just say, "Sure, sweetheart.
" I bet husbands all over the country say that.
I got it! I'll sacrifice.
You have your way.
She's all yours.
Rob broke the lamp.
I thought she was gonna say Rob broke his hip.
Oh! Hey, Ed! Hi! Well, look at you! (Laughs) To what do I owe this pleasure, my dear? Uh, well, I just came by to grab lunch with Mike.
Uh, do you uh, do you want to join us? Oh, well, I I'd love to, but I have scheduled a very important lunchtime nap.
You know? I I can't move that, you know.
Oh, yeah, right.
I bet.
I I understand Eve's back in the house.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I I am gonna grab mom time with her if I have to tie her to a chair.
You know, because I love her.
Connect before she leaves the house, because believe me, I know, eh.
Taking your middle-aged daughter to lunch at the American Girl cafe just gets weird.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Dad.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
It's not a big deal.
Mike: Good.
Uh, what what aren't you gonna worry about? What's not a big deal? - It's not a big deal, so who cares? - Well, I do the mom, open 24 hours a day, no deal too big, no deal to small.
Rob's parents are having an anniversary party Oh! and he didn't invite me to go.
It's no biggie.
There you go.
Well, it it could be.
I mean, did you talk to Rob about it? No, I talked to Dad, but he had a good take on the situation.
Oh, yeah? Let me guess ignore it.
It's good advice.
It also works well for panhandlers and most medical situations.
Like Dad says, if there's a problem, it'll surface eventually like like a dead body floating up in a lake.
That's good advice solid and also quite colorful.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Honey, honey, um, why didn't Rob ask you? I mean, don't don't you think that's kind of odd? Well, to find out, I'd have to go back and ask Rob.
With Dad's thing, I'm already done.
Well, there you go.
See you later.
Thanks for the help.
Uh, honey, I know you love that Eve listens to you, but in this case, your advice might not be the best.
I'm not sure where you're going with this, but on the surface, it sounds wrong.
Well, I mean, he's met her parents a bunch of times.
Why doesn't he want her to meet his? There's no evidence of any trouble here.
Why are we looking for a problem? I know, I know.
If there's a dead body, it'll float up.
You see how that sticks with you? It's a really good analogy for a lot of stuff.
What if there's more to this? You know, what what if he's got a secret girlfriend or something? I mean, did did you ever think of that? I could talk to Josh.
He could call Anne.
And Anne could talk to Rob and see if he just "like" likes her or does he like her? Oh, stop.
I mean, I'm not trying to gossip.
I just I don't want my daughter to get hurt.
You know, that's what Josh told me you'd say.
(Scoffs) Listen, let's go eat.
We can talk more about this after homeroom.
(Scoffs) Mandy: Yes! Okay.
- The category is "History.
" - Okay.
The last link in the Transcontinental Railroad was completed in what state? Mm, okay.
- Well, there are at least 50 states.
- Right, yeah.
Um, uh, okay.
Uh, Florida, Texas, Mexico Uh, let me see.
- Uh, Oregon, uh, Massachusetts.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh! Massachusetts sounds like a train.
(Both chanting) Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts.
Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts! Whoo-whoo! All right final answer, Massachusetts! No.
The answer is actually Utah.
You know what? I still think Massachusetts was a great answer, babe! So much fun to say.
Okay, all right, babe.
Let's show them how it's done, seeing as they've shown us how it's not done.
All right.
(Clears throat) "Literature" Uh, "What Monterey factory worker turned author" John Steinbeck.
John Steinbeck.
The answer is "Platinum.
" No, that's Oh, wait.
No, I'm looking at the wrong one.
Yeah, you win! Yeah! Whoo, whoo, whoo! Whoo, whoo, whoo! Whoo, whoo Is this not the winning side Yes, this is the winning side Is that not the losing side Both: Yes, this is the losing side Wait, wait, what, what why are you guys so happy? Uh, doy! We came in second! (Cellphone beeps) Okay.
Oh, shoot.
What? Rick and Debbie can't make it tomorrow night.
Their stupid cat died.
What's tomorrow night? Oh, uh, we reserved an escape room.
You know, it's one of those places where you have an hour to find the clues they've hidden to help you escape.
Can you scream for help? (Chuckles) No.
It's a puzzle that requires a lot of careful thought and planning.
Say no more.
We're in! What? Uh, no, no, no.
It uh, no.
It's just that it's uh, it's pretty difficult.
Kristin: So Yeah, so is trivia.
Hello? Yeah, I I really don't think you guys are gonna like it.
And also, we reserved the most difficult one.
- It's the Cold War room, so - Oh, yeah.
Oh, we get it.
We'll bring sweaters.
Hey, baby.
Hey, hey, come here.
I've got work to do.
Listen, no, no.
Come here.
Come here.
Eve is in the kitchen alone.
And Oh! Find Colonel Mustard and the candlestick.
We could solve this.
(Scoffs) Look, hear me out.
Oh, come on.
Rob is Eve's first serious relationship, okay? She might not have the experience to know what might be a red flag.
And he doesn't have the upper-body strength to wave one, so - Hang on.
- What? Don't you think there might be something more going on here? Look, I I just think we need more information.
I - But if ask Eve, she'll think I'm gossiping.
So That's what Josh said you'd say.
Honey, just go just go talk to her for one minute.
Just All right, all right.
I will talk to her because I love you and I adore our daughter, and I'm just a little bit hungry.
All right.
Ah, yummy yum.
Help yourself.
To food I bought what a great idea! So, how'd it go with Mom yesterday? What do you mean? You know, in your office, after I left that bloodhound was on the hunt for some information about me and Rob.
That's that's strange.
I I didn't notice.
I mean, I know she's curious, but sometimes she just gets too intense.
Like, there's all this eye contact.
It's like the whole time I'm thinking, "Blink, woman!" Yeah.
For years, that's why I called her "Doll Face.
" She never figured it out.
Anyway, I honestly don't know what she's digging for.
I mean, I guess when he didn't invite me it did feel a little weird.
Weird, huh? Yeah, weird.
Well there you go.
All right, Dad.
Well, this has been a good talk.
Gonna go take this.
Oh, hey! Hi! (Chuckles) Hey.
So, uh so what happened? Well, you're right.
There was more information.
I was just about to come and tell you about it, but I thought I should eat first.
Oh, well, what What did she say? Remember the other day she said at the office, it it wasn't a big deal? Yeah.
Well, I dug a little deeper sit down.
Hm, yeah? Turns out our youngest daughter is feeling "weird.
" Wow.
Yeah, no wonder you need to eat.
You must be drained.
(Scoffs) What was weird about it? I dug deep.
I'm not Jules Verne.
I don't go "Journey to the Centre of the Earth" on it.
You know, it's funny.
Sometimes you're just useless.
Thanks, "Doll Face.
" Oh, good, you're back.
Uh, listen, um, Evie.
I I wanted to talk to you about that conversation you had with your father.
Oh, great.
Talking about talking.
I'm gonna go.
No, wait, wait, Eve.
Listen, listen, honey.
Um, when when you told your dad that it felt "weird," what what did you mean? It means I gave him too much information.
(Sighs) Evie, I just think if something feels weird, you need to address it.
I mean, don't be afraid to ask questions.
I've got a good one.
Why me, God? You really need to stop gossiping about me and Rob, Mom.
Hey, hey, it is not gossip if what you're talking about is important.
And this could be important.
Well, it did it did feel weird.
That's it.
Yeah, well, what is that? What is that like the word of the day? What [ Door opens) Knock, knock! Hey.
Come on in.
Oh! Hey, Mrs.
Hi, uh, Rob.
Would you would you like to have a soda or a snack or a heart-to-heart? Mom.
Don't worry, don't worry.
I know when I'm not wanted.
I just don't care.
Listen, I I think that you two need to have a conversation.
(Chuckles) About what? Well, no, it's it's not my place to interfere, so Eve, you tell him.
(Sighs) It's nothing.
It's just why didn't you invite me to the party on Saturday? Do you not want me to meet your parents or something? I mean, they they couldn't be weirder than mine.
I didn't think you'd want to hang out with my parents' friends.
They're old like, NCIS-old.
Oh, so you were looking out for me, 'cause you know how difficult older people can be.
Look at you two! Doesn't it feel good just to talk it out and clear the air and I'm out of here.
Sorry, that was awkward.
No, if something's bothering you, we should talk about it.
if something is bothering me (Chuckles) What does that mean? I'm just wondering if, with you going to college, that we should slow things down? Uh, why? Are you worried I'm gonna ask you to help me move? "The year is 1962.
It is the height of the Cold War.
You are in the apartment of a suspected double-agent.
" Ooh! Question.
Does anybody know the WiFi password? There are no cellphones in 1962, Mandy.
I don't think that attitude was invented yet either, Kristin.
All right, we must find evidence to prove that whoever lives here is a Russian spy, and escape before he returns from the opera.
Help! Help! Kyle, knock it off, okay? We have one hour.
I will take walls and drawers.
Uh, I got desktops and cabinets.
And you guys might just want to watch.
Cheerleaders are important, too.
Uh, Ryan? This horse is pointed in the direction of that picture of the Eiffel Tower.
Hmm, what do you think it is? A building in Paris.
Hey, way to go, Mandy! Are we out? (Door latch rattles) There's a date on the picture May 21st, 1889.
That's seven digits.
Phone number.
Mandy: Yeah.
(Gasps) For Conroy Carpets! No, that's 5-5-5 0-100, Conroy 0-100, Conroy It's busy.
Oh, God.
I have to dial that whole number again.
(Gasps) Hey, you guys, maybe this is something.
He's supposed to be at the opera, right? How come he didn't take his opera glasses? Yeah, I already took a look at those, Mandy.
Well, did you see that when you look through them, each of the Presidents has a letter on his head? Yeah, it says T-Y-P-E.
Maybe we're supposed to type those letters into the typewriter.
Hey, it even spells "type"! Oh, that's ridiculous.
If anything it would be "Rushmore" or "Jefferson" or "Badlands.
" - T-Y - Okay, okay.
- Just let me do it, okay? - P-E.
(Screams) There's another room! You had the glasses in your hand.
Think! Hey.
So, I talked to Eve, and then she talked to Rob.
And it turns out that it's not such a big deal.
That's what I said.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Now, uh Now we know that that's true.
Eve: Get out of my face and get out of my house! And not only should we "slow things down," but let's bring it to a screeching halt.
Rob: Fine! Have fun at the Air Force Academy.
Semper Fi! (Laughs) That's the Marines, you jackass! So, how's Rob? Honey, what happened? Well, you said talk.
We talked.
That led to yelling and name-calling.
Hope you're happy! There goes our only chance of having a weak, skinny grandkid.
Vanessa: (Groans) Nice shot! Ugh.
I can tell her heart is breaking out there, Mike.
Well, it's not affecting her aim.
Nothing but bullseyes.
Honey, breakups are hard, even for Eve.
I want to go out and talk to her about it, but she blames me.
She doesn't blame you.
Yes, she does.
She's angry, you're in her way, and she's a great shot.
Well, that's another thing I want to talk to her about.
Take this.
Why are you giving me this? Go out and kill a couple targets with her.
No, Mike, she doesn't want to talk to me.
You want answers? Don't ask questions.
She opens up better when she's doing something.
She seems pretty mad.
Don't you think I should wait till she's not armed? (Laughs) Listen, we got a six-foot fence.
Aim low.
Be quiet about it.
We're not supposed to be doing this.
All right, all right.
I'll give it a shot.
(Laughs) All right! Can you avoid the puns? Sorry.
And I can't impress it enough.
Do not shoot over the fence.
You're gonna hit that weird dude always giving me advice over there.
Okay, the only thing back there is a broken watch.
It's says 5:20.
(Gasps) And I love this band.
Oh, wait, let's set the hands on this clock to 5:20.
Okay, I really don't think that (Pops) (Screaming) Oh! Passports! (Laughs) How do they keep doing this? I don't know.
It's like the chicken who wins at tic-tac-toe.
I bet you the code for the door's one of these passport numbers.
(Gasps) Probably the spy's passport number.
What's his name? You can ask him yourself when he gets here and shoots us.
There is only a minute left.
Oh! There's a really cute vintage suitcase in the other room! I'm gonna check the luggage tag! Okay, it's Viktor uh, uh Russian-something.
Moyskahov it's this one! Yeah, um, punch in the passport number! (Keypad beeping) (Door beeps) Whoo! Hey! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! We did it with 30 seconds left! Great job, guys.
We're really happy for you.
What's wrong? We won! Uh, no.
You won.
Kris and I didn't even do anything.
Yeah, if this were a competition, you would've kicked our asses.
So, you're upset because you feel like you lost? Yeah, losing sucks.
We lose all the time, but we still enjoy ourselves.
You have to learn to look at losing as a win.
You sound like Hillary Clinton's therapist.
It's okay, Kyle, he doesn't get it.
It's fine I didn't get it at first, either.
That's because there's nothing to get.
The season of failure is the best time to plant the seeds of success.
Who said that? I don't know.
I saw it on a poster of a cat climbing out of a toilet.
All right, winners and winners.
Shall we get this train rolling out of here? (Both chanting) Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts.
I don't get it.
They win, they're happy.
They lose, they're happy.
I know, it's crazy.
But they're happy.
It does seem like a nice way to look at things.
And I would like to be happy.
Are we not the losing team Yes, we are the losing team (Both chanting) Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts.
Pe-ooh! You could, uh, probably let the arrow make the noise.
Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
About what? Well the whole Rob thing wasn't your fault, you know.
I mean, the body was gonna float to the surface eventually.
It's just nice to get it out of the lake now.
Just to be clear, it's not Rob's body that's actually floating in the lake.
Oh, no.
Rob won't even go to the lake.
He's scared of bugs.
Make sure to exhale when you release.
Oh, right, yeah, thanks.
Breakups suck, though, don't they? (Sighs) I'm about to go to a school where there's 80% guys, so I'm pretty sure I'll get asked to the dance.
I'm glad you're okay, sweetie.
So, uh, have you heard from Rob? Mm.
I don't really want to gossip.
(Chuckles) Okay.
(Sighs) Pe-ooh! Oh, sorry.
(Laughs) I'll allow it.
Pe-ooh! Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with the scariest words in the English language "We need to talk.
" Yeah, there's a phrase that can make me dive out of a moving bass boat and swimming to shore.
Now, talk is not bad if it's built around an activity, with minimal eye contact.
In nature, eye contact is sometimes a sign of aggression.
Though, if you're mesmerized by these baby blues, I get it.
You're human.
And just clicking on that info bar was an activity.
Plato said you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
That's good.
Of course, an hour of play with an ancient Greek in a tunic, you're gonna discover more than you wanted to know.
"Hey, Plato! Can you put the leg down off the bench there? We're eating food over here.
" Whoa, nice buffalo shot.
For some folks, a shotgun, fishing pole, or a compound bow can act like a talking stick.
You surround men with weapons, ammunition, and a campfire, and even the most stoic group of men turns into "The View.
" "Ugh, I hate my hair in this wool hat!" "Steve's not gonna hunt with Gary anymore, because he's jealous of the elk he shot last time.
" (Sighs) "Boy, I feel so bloated after all that jerky.
" If you want someone to open up, just join them in an activity.
But remember, if you need to say, "We need to talk," the other person's thinking, "I need to leave.
" Baxter out.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode