Last Man Standing s06e21 Episode Script

Bad Heir Day

1 Mike: I figured Batman never did Oh, hey, Mrs.
Hey, Kyle.
Hi, there.
(Groans) Hey, hon.
How are you? - I got you, babe.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Come here! Oh! Mm.
Oh, my goodness! (Giggling) Oh! (Normal voice) What was that all about? I'm just happy to see anybody who's not Kyle.
I live with him, I work with him, I try to leave without him, but he hears the jingle of my keys and hops right in the truck.
You know, they're living here to save money for a house.
You thought it was a good idea.
I-I know, but they saved enough money.
A great way to celebrate Get their own place.
Oh! Well, we're not gonna kick them out.
I You just need a little break.
Why don't we go away for a few days, take a little vacation? (Gasps) A family vacation? We're in! Yeah.
Oh, it'd be nice to see you guys outside of work and home.
And let's not forget the truck.
Let's not forget the truck.
Uh, listen.
No, we weren't talking about the whole family.
Oh, good.
Thank God.
(Laughs) No sense dragging those other losers to Paris.
You know, I've never been on a family vacation.
Well, one time the trailer we lived in rolled into a ravine, and there was some stagnant rain water, and we all swam.
I wish I had pictures.
I'm sure child services has a few pictures of that.
Guys, we'll have plenty of time to reminisce on vacation.
Mom, let me pack for you.
I mean, I will have to be seen with you at dinner.
Let me kick 'em out.
Hell no.
I'm doing it.
No, seriously, it was my idea.
No, I I'm gonna kick 'em out.
- You know, I've got - I'm going to What are you looking at so intensely? Oh, 5'10" of gorgeous.
A one-bedroom apartment.
Oh, does Vanessa know you're leaving? Will she throw a party? Oh! Can I throw a party? It's not for me.
If I were leaving, I'd be in a motorcycle with a sidecar with a dog named Boo.
I'm kicking Kyle and Mandy out of the house.
Ah, it's about time those kids got out.
It's the right thing to do.
Sure it is.
They're married, living with me.
What are we, Italian? It would have made sense 100 years ago Yep.
Large families living together, working the same fields, sharing the same bath water, getting the same diseases.
Maybe it never made sense.
Well, what about Kyle's mom? Does she ever help him out? No, no.
She's an awful woman.
She's neglectful, she's selfish, she's mean.
I'm surprised I was never married to her.
But still, I mean, she's his mom.
I don't he even knows where she is.
Last he heard, she was working on a men's roller derby team.
That's terrible.
Kids should at least know where their parents are.
I didn't much care for my dad, but I knew where he was in the living room screaming "Wheel of Fortune"! After all Kyle's been through, do you really want to kick him out? Not just Kyle I'm also kicking his wife out.
Roller derby.
Wait, roller derby that rings a bell.
Maybe I was married to her.
Wait a minute.
How was the park? I poked a dead squirrel with a stick.
After he picked it up and played with it.
Go wash your hands right now.
I named him Dan.
You said I couldn't have a pet, but now I do.
Thanks for taking him, Eve.
I love my son more than anything, but to keep it that way, Mama needs breaks.
Well, the kid sure has a great imagination.
It must run in the family.
Yeah, you know what? Everyone thinks that Ryan is the creative one, but should have seen my last menu board.
(Chuckles) I drew a pig with a top hat.
Just saying.
So, uh, Boyd told all the kids at the park that Ryan is an international spy.
Okay, listen.
Um, lately Boyd's been a little bit self-conscious about his dad's job.
(Gasps) Ryan got a job? Homeschool teaching is a job that pays in smiles.
Did I say that with a straight face? Ugh.
Poor Ryan.
His son is embarrassed by him.
It would be a real shame if he found out.
N-No, no Don't you dare tease him.
Sweet little Evie? Pfft.
I would never.
(Scoffs) Hey, how about this? 400 square feet, 1 bedroom, 3/4 bath, newish carpet (chuckles) smokers welcome.
That sounds terrible.
It's on the far side of town.
I think they'll like it.
Hey, Mom.
Hmm? I'm really sorry about what I said yesterday.
You can wear whatever you want.
Paris is a big city.
We'll never see you.
Well, perfect timing.
We have something we want to talk to you guys about.
All right, you found out about my goldfish.
I know.
I should have told you.
I'll pay for the water.
It's not about your goldfish, and, yes, you will pay for the water.
Are you pregnant? Ooh! Nobody's pregnant.
Well, my goldfish is.
Yeah, she can barely fit in her little castle.
(Chuckles) I know this is probably gonna come as a shock to you two (Door bell chimes) Ooh, Uh Let me I'll get that.
Kind of left us hanging here, huh? I mean, you could just tell us what it's about.
Oh, I could.
I could.
Um, I Uh, b-but first I need to hear about your goldfish.
So, uh So, it's pregnant, huh? Yeah, it wasn't when I bought it.
I have quite a mystery on my hands.
Hey, Larabee.
Come on in Hey, Baxter but make it quick.
I'm throwing a going-away party.
I-I've been thinking about how Kyle didn't know where his mom was, so I So I tracked her down.
So, that's what you do during the day while shoplifters carry canoes out of my store? No.
I called a guy I know in county records.
Oh, no, no.
You didn't give him Kyle's phone number.
He doesn't want to be in touch with his mom.
He doesn't want to know about her.
He doesn't have to worry about that now.
She's dead.
That's that's that's terrible.
She died three months ago.
How'd she die? Rodeo accident.
What? How should I know, Baxter? They just said she was dead.
Thanks for telling me.
I appreciate it, 'cause right now I was just about to tell those two they had to move out but I couldn't do that now.
Well, you are kind of a terrible person, so you could.
- I couldn't do that.
- Right.
Could I? No.
Damn it! Yeah, I mean, I was looking forward to being a father, but 500 to 600 goldfish babies? That's a lot of weight on one man's shoulders.
I mean, it's probably actually just an ounce or or a gram.
Oh, but look.
Mike's here.
He'll know.
Uh Uh, Larabee just stopped by with some pretty bad news.
Uh, Kyle, your mom has passed away.
- What? - Mandy: Kyle I'm so sorry.
It's it's really okay.
I mean, we weren't that close.
Uh, we were, but then we drifted apart.
After I was born.
Well, still, I mean, y-y-you must be in shock.
Oh, no, not really.
I I already knew.
It happened, like, three months ago.
What? Why didn't you tell me? Well, I didn't want to bum everybody out.
Look at your faces.
Kyle, we're in shock.
I-I-I mean, I wish you would've told us sooner.
We care about you.
Yeah, I could've helped you through this.
I love you.
Look, you guys are the best.
But, really, I'm okay.
Okay, well, I have a pregnant poisson to go look after, so She's French.
If I die, just promise me you'll make Kyle tell everyone.
I mean, he must be in denial.
He can't really be taking it this well, can he? Maybe he takes bad news well.
Might be a good time to tell him Mike, no.
We are not telling him he has to move out.
Mike, his mom died.
Yeah, like three months ago.
Oh! Thanks, Dad.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
Shouldn't you be proud of him every day? I mean, what kind of parent are you? I was gonna take him to the park, but he said he wanted to try meditation instead.
And he thought his old room would be full of positive grounded energy.
That sounds like a 10-year-old boy.
I'm sure it's not because he has that secret stash of toy guns and sugar packets.
What? Oh, you're making that up.
Are you? Yeah, yeah, you are.
It's fine.
I trust Boyd.
Do I? Well, that was fun to watch.
So, how do you like being back at your parents' house? Must be nice to be 11 again.
You know, that is exactly the kind of witty repartee I'd expect from an international man of mystery.
What are you talking about? Well, Boyd told his friends you work for the CIA as a spy, not as a janitor or a human target like I would assume.
Okay, so he made up a story.
And not just any spy, a half-robot spy, which would explain your social awkwardness and your obsession with renewable energy.
Look, quit trying to make this a big deal, because it's not.
Well, I didn't think it was until you got all defensive.
Now my curiosity has been piqued.
It's nothing, okay? Boyd doesn't want to say what I do because he's a little sensitive about being home-schooled.
It's just a phase.
He'll grow out of it.
Or you could just let him go to real school.
Or how you would say it in your language (Robotic voice) Let him go to a real school.
You sound just like Kristin.
"Socialization would be good for him," and "He really wants to go.
He's not behind anymore.
" Look, he's not going back to public school, okay? I know what's best for me I mean, him.
Just drop it, okay? (Normal voice) Whoa, sorry.
Didn't mean to hit a nerve.
Just like Boyd did when he made that dead squirrel twitch.
Hey, hon.
- Uh, where's Kyle? - I don't know.
For once, he's not around me.
Let's not jinx it.
You know, it's strange he never mentioned that his mom died.
Didn't even go down to the county clerk's office to settle her affairs.
How do you know? Because I went down there.
- I can't believe people think you're nosy.
- Yeah.
Well, it turns out his mom left him an inheritance.
It's a little land and a trailer near Thornton.
Apparently, she moved there just before she died, so And how did you find that out? I'm a geologist.
I know how to dig.
No, Chuck's friend told me.
A trailer? People live in trailers.
Kyle and Mandy are people.
- See where I'm going with this? - I do.
Hold on a minute.
Hey, Kyle, are you still in the garage? Come inside.
You know, you haven't been this happy since you found three peanuts in one shell.
(Chuckles) (Door opens) - Hey.
You called, Mr.
? - Hey.
Come here.
Come here.
Yeah, Vanessa's got some great news for you.
Listen, Kyle, I went down to the county clerk's office.
Oh, that sounds fun.
My third grade class went to city hall one time.
We saw an alderman.
He just looked like a regular man.
(Chuckles) Well, uh, Kyle, it turns out your mom left you an inheritance.
It's land and a trailer.
No, thanks.
W-well, wait, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.
Hold it.
It it it's almost an acre, and and there's supposed to be woods and a stream through it.
It could be a nice home for your goldfish.
I said I don't want it, okay? (Door closes) Wow.
I tell him that his mom is dead.
He's okay with that.
You tell him he's got an inheritance, he gets all snippy.
Maybe it's your tone.
Hey, Mr.
You were kind of angry back there.
It's not like you.
I'm sorry about that.
I-I try not to get angry, but whenever I do, I just I take those feelings and I lock them in an imaginary box in my belly.
Some people call that an ulcer.
Listen, Kyle, I know that things always weren't the best between you and your mom.
They were never good.
Not that there were a lot.
You have every reason to be angry.
I understand that.
I don't like to get angry.
I-I don't like to open the anger box more than once a year.
July 15th, that's scream day.
My scream day's April 15th.
But I don't hold it in.
I yell about it all year long.
I just don't understand why a parent wouldn't want to be with their kid.
Me neither.
Hey, you know, maybe your mom thought she was doing the best for you building character by you being independent.
Still, 8 feels early.
8 is early.
I I feel like with the trailer, all she's doing is trying to buy off every crummy thing she did.
And if I accept it, then it's like saying everything she did was okay.
I mean, when I think about her, all I can feel is angry.
I'm telling you, Kyle, that anger's gonna eat you up.
You've got to figure out a way to let this go.
I don't know how.
(Sighs) I have an idea.
(Keys jingle) (Door opens) What are you doing here? Can't you just take up smoking and hang out at the 7-Eleven like a decent teenager? I felt bad about what happened earlier when I completely humiliated you.
I wasn't humiliated.
Okay, look, a year ago, I didn't know what I was gonna do next, but you did something for me that I'll always remember.
Because it was so weird.
You gave me a ukulele.
Eve, we've talked about this.
It's disrespectful to the Hawaiians to call it anything but oo-koo-lay-lay.
I was trying to get you to think outside the box.
(Scoffs) What's this in my backpack? Oh, well, I'll be darned.
It's the oo-koo-lay-lay you gave me.
What are you doing? Thinking outside the box.
Oh, hey, I just, you know, at the top of my head, came up with a little ditty.
Of course you did.
Don't worry, it's not about you.
Ryan doesn't know what to do, do-do Once Boyd's in sch-oo-oo-oo-ool But doesn't let him go And it's turning him into a weirdo Just stop.
I should have never given you that oo-koo-lay-lay.
Look, when you got upset before, I saw the look in your eye.
It was the same look I had when the whole plan for my future got wiped out.
I was scared, too.
I'm not scared.
Okay? It's just that when Boyd goes back to school, I'm gonna have to figure out what to do with my entire life, which is frightening, not scary.
Okay, well, you're smart, you're passionate, you'll you'll find something.
I'm pretty sure if you go look behind your porch, you're gonna find a dead squirrel named Dan.
No, we had a funeral for Dan yesterday.
Open shoe box, very touching.
Thanks, Eve.
Ryan's gonna be okay, kay-kay Kay-kay, kay-kay, kay-kay 'Cause Eve saved the day, d-day, d-day, d-day She's so great and awesomely cool And totally Yeah, okay.
Well It's got that lived-in look Just died-in look.
You know, nothing has changed.
Really? Well, I mean, the inside hasn't changed.
Outside used to be Missouri.
What are we doing here, Mr.
? Here.
Swing that.
Come on, break something.
Hit a cabinet or a light or something.
What do you mean? You said you were angry? Punch something, hit something, maybe start with that little animal poking through that hole down there.
I don't want to smash everything.
She obviously just cleaned.
You said you're angry.
This is a good way to let it out.
You know, I gave her this.
I can't believe she kept it all these years.
Well, it must have meant something to her.
Like this lovely collection of vodka bottles.
I'm sorry, Mr.
, but I don't want to smash any of this stuff.
Kyle, look, I never met your mom, but if she's anything like you, I'm sure she thought she was doing the best she could.
You think? I know.
Look, she got this grease fire out real quick.
Maybe she was, but I still don't feel right about keeping this trailer or the land.
Look at it this way.
She bought this land and brought this trailer here to be near you.
She didn't give this to your brother.
She gave it to you.
So in her way, I think she felt like she owed you something.
So it's not really a bribe, but it's more like an apology.
Not a good one, but, yeah.
So if I keep it, what should I do with it? This is actually a nice piece of land here.
You got the little stream running down there.
You get the shopping carts out, not a bad spot.
It would be nice to build something of my own, you know? There you go.
Build yourself a house, with a family that you deserve.
Yeah, I'd like that.
What should I do with the trailer? I'd finish that grease fire.
I think your mom would have wanted it that way.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
All right, listen up.
If you're a perfect parent, I want you to raise your hand.
I can't see you, so if you're doing it, good.
Okay, now if you're a unicorn, raise your hoof.
I'm serious.
If we're being honest here, that little experiment ended in a 0-0 tie.
You know why that is? Because none of us are perfect parents, and none of us had perfect parents.
And for that, the brewers and distillers of America are very grateful.
(Fake crying) I hate my life.
(Normal voice) But you know what warms your belly even more than a shot of bourbon? Two shots of bourbon with a chaser of forgiveness.
Now, remember, most parents are just doing the best they can.
Which, let's face it, for a lot of people, is pretty God-awful.
But staying mad at them doesn't hurt anyone but yourself.
Saint Augustine said, "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.
" Wise words.
And easy for him to say.
I sat next to him in school.
His mother told him she loved him all the time.
She always would look at him and say, "You're such a saint.
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