Last Man Standing s06e22 Episode Script


I'm sure my mug got mixed in with your stuff last time we went camping.
- Really? - Yeah.
'Cause generally, you put the heavy stuff in my backpack.
Well, we have to find it.
It's my lucky mug.
I'm going hunting for three days.
You want me to get eaten by a bear? Not gonna happen.
Bears don't like gristle.
Oh! Dad! Mr.
Alzate! You're busy.
Don't bother reading this.
Just sign it right here real quick.
You know what? I don't generally sign things I haven't read.
That's how you end up married or in the army.
Either way, you're going to war.
And you'll never pick out your own clothes again.
(Laughs loudly) Classic.
Ed, tell me about the war.
Dad, sign this.
- What is this? - It's for my Business Management class.
It just says that I followed you around for 20 hours.
But you haven't followed me around.
Yeah, but I follow you on Twitter, and I feel like that's enough.
I'll sign the paper, but you have to come to work with me.
Seriously? Do you really want to do this? I mean, neither one of us wants to spend 20 hours together.
Maybe over the course of a year, but crammed together into one week? Listen to this, honey.
Eve's worked at Outdoor Man.
Kristin has the restaurant down there.
You're my only daughter who hasn't spent any time at the business I spent most of my life helping to build, okay? Found it! That's your special mug? Bears are terrified of stainless steel, right? What do I look like, a scientist? It just works, that's all.
And just hold your water! This came with a matching spoon.
Why don't I go look for the matching spoon? The mug is useless without a spoon, right? Mandy.
You got to do this for your dad.
- (Whining) Why? - Because he'd like it! Come on, don't you want to know what he does? I already know what he does.
He sells stuff that if you leave it outdoors, it's fine.
No, there's a little more to it than that.
Now, he wouldn't say this, but he would love to show off for you.
Come on, give it a shot.
What do you say? - (Groans) - It would make your dad happy.
Come on.
Mike: Hey! Huh? Found your little folding spoon that goes with the mug.
It was right next to this crazy straw.
Must be yours, huh? No, no, it's not, but I'll take it.
That'll scare a bear, I'll tell you.
Yes, sirree! Mandy, good luck working with your dad this week, huh? Thanks, man.
So you're going? I will be there at 10:00 with bells on.
I will be there at 8:00, but there will be no bells.
You know what's amazing is you just didn't forge my signature.
You've really lost a step since high school.
I can't believe how you handled yourself in that meeting.
I'm a born leader, honey.
No, I mean, there was all that free food and you didn't touch any of it.
It's easy because I don't like deviled eggs.
Morning, Mr.
Morning, Kyle.
I see you have a new management trainee.
She's very attractive.
Stop it.
Hey, hey, hey! That's harassment.
You are fired! But I liked it.
You're rehired.
Oh, good.
For one second, I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life.
All right, Kyle, what is on our docket for today? Uh, you know, just the usual.
Uh, have any problems around here that my daughter might enjoy watching rather than me work at the computer? A problem in the store - Mm-hmm.
- Let me think.
Chuck: No, you don't know what you're talking about, so just shut up! No, you shut up, okay? (Groans) 'Cause I held Beverly's Fabrics to five runs.
Those gals can hit! Beverly's Fabrics.
I beat Der Wienerschnitzel! Guys, can you keep it down? I'm trying to think of a work problem for Mr.
to deal with.
(Laughs) It's right here in front of me! There's that one flip-flop still in Lost and Found.
Mike, we need you to solve a problem.
- Work-related? - Absolutely.
We need a new starting pitcher for the softball team, and that should be me, right? He's wrong, right? Mike, am I wrong? Almost always, Joe.
Almost always.
It's a borderline work-personal problem, but I'm on a roll, so Look, I'm a better pitcher than he is.
Anybody with eyes can see that.
Compelling argument backed up by science.
Except he's an idiot.
Also backed up by science.
All right, all right, all right.
After careful deliberation, I'll make a decision.
You're both wasting my time! Okay.
But you're never gonna get that part of your life back, so who should pitch? I'm gonna go with George.
Who's George? I don't know, but I'll find him.
It's a big city, okay? No.
No, no.
That's not fair! Fair went out with Obama.
Now get back to work! You know, it worked out for the best.
I didn't want to have to buy a new glove.
Yeah, what do you want to do now? - Get some lunch? - Hey, I'm buying! I got that glove money burning a hole in my pocket.
Nice work.
No problem is too small for you to handle, huh? Or too big.
I've worked out a way to defeat ISIS 10 times in my mind.
I found the other one.
And they're mine.
I told you my kickboxing class was fun.
I loved it when you took down the instructor.
Well, she said to hit her, and I knew she was expecting it, so I went for a leg sweep.
Teacher got taught.
Hey, Kris.
Hey, Mom.
Oh, Evie, hey.
Uh, listen, honey, I need you to be home this afternoon.
The guy is coming to fix the Internet.
(Gasps) Somebody broke the Internet? Yeah.
I believe that one person broke the 75 million servers which comprise the global network which we call "the Internet.
" Yeah, 'cause me old, me not understand.
Ooh, looks like Mom had a leg sweep of her own.
Okay, sure, I'll do it.
I mean, what kid wouldn't love to sit around the house all day with no Internet? Hey, could you break the TV while you're at it so there's absolutely nothing to do? Thank you.
I'd do it, but I am tutoring from 1:00 to 4:00, then I have to have a staff meeting to go over the lesson plan and then get back here to do the laundry.
Geez, Mom.
You should come to my kickboxing class, work off some of that stress.
Hitting strangers is way more calming than meditation.
Well, I appreciate the offer, but I am not stressed.
Mom, you just rattled off a laundry list of things to do that actually included doing the laundry.
Well, that's because I am busy.
I'm not stressed.
And I like being busy.
Even so, you should come with us! It's fun, and plus, kickboxing's a great workout.
Okay, okay.
It sounds like a "kick.
" And, besides, you girls have kind of "boxed" me in.
People are gonna be lining up to hit her.
What did I miss? Oh, a big management lesson.
Candice downstairs had a bad cough, so I I let her go home.
Could have been Zika.
I might have saved hundreds of lives.
Hey, you know, I told my teacher about how you handled that Chuck and Joe thing yesterday.
Um, he said you were wrong.
Well, he is the face of 21 huge stores across the Southwest.
Oh, wait a minute.
No, that's not him.
That's me.
See, the textbook outlines a four-step process for conflict resolution.
You didn't do any of them.
Because it's not a four-step process.
One step.
Yell at them, make fun of them, get them back to work.
That would actually be three steps.
But shutting problems down like that just allows them to fester and grow below the surface.
Well, it's their surface, and I really don't want to know what's festering.
Hey, guys.
How's it going? Oh, great.
Hey, um, so, is everything actually great out here? Oh.
Didn't you hear me? Cronuts.
Mandy: Yeah.
Yeah, I just feel like maybe my dad shut you guys down a little quickly with that whole pitching thing.
Yeah, but he always does that.
That's just his style.
Baxter be Baxter.
(Chuckles) But not all Baxters be Baxter, you know? I for one believe in a less authoritative management style.
It's hard to imagine a more authoritative management style.
See, I'm of the Hopkins school of thought that any employee conflict can be easily resolved using a four-step process.
Check out the book-head on her.
(Laughs) I know, right? It's like I have all these amazing thoughts, like, sloshing around up here, but nobody wants to listen to me.
It's like This must be how Jesus felt.
So, what's your process? Oh, do you guys just want to try it out? It could be fun in like a super-professional, businessy way.
Are we on the clock while we're doing it? Sure.
I'm in.
Yeah, all right.
Me, too.
Why not? Oh, hang on.
Cronuts! Mandy: Okay, so Step 1 Find a common goal.
Uh You both want the team to win, right? - Yeah.
- Sure, why not? (Gasps) Yay! This is working super well! And since we want the team to win, I should be pitcher and Joe should, uh, bring snacks like the Team Mom.
Hey, if was the Team Mom, I'd be dropping you off at the fire house right now.
No, no.
No, we're done with Step 1.
Now we're onto Step 2.
Active listening.
Now, uh, Joe, I want you to listen while Chuck tells us why he feels that he should be the pitcher.
Go ahead, Chuck.
Okay, well, it's simple.
I'm a Marine.
I'm battle-tested.
When the pressure's on, I keep my cool.
Not keeping your cool, not cool.
Joe, I hope that you were listening actively because I want you to tell us what you heard Chuck say.
Okay, here's what I heard, okay? "I'm a lousy pitcher," okay? "I was a soldier.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Support the troops.
Blah, blah, blah.
I want to pitch.
Not cool.
" You know what? At least I wouldn't be napping between pitches.
What's that supposed to mean? Okay, no, no.
Let's not ruin all that good feeling we had after Step 1.
Remember? Those were the days, huh? I've seen you on the security cameras! Pick up a wrench, take a nap.
Turn a bolt, take a nap.
Wake up from a nap, take a nap! Is that your job? You stare at a monitor and watch people work? You know, you're a professional creep, okay? The only thing I've ever seen you work on is a sandwich.
All good points! Now, Chuck Hey, I have a condition, okay? I'm trying to regulate my blood sugar.
With ham? It helps! You know, I'm out of here.
I'm fed up.
Lose an argument, take a nap! Okay! Okay, great! We'll just take a short little break, and then when we come back, we'll do Step 3.
No, we do not hit each other with a stapler! Okay, and switch! Hyah! Hyah! Mom! Mom, nobody else is saying "Hyah!" Yeah, I know, but everyone stared when I yelled "Kung Fu!" Okay, fighters, grab some water.
(Laughs) I am so glad you guys got me to do this.
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! (Laughs) (Groans) She giggles when she kicks.
It's called repressed rage, okay? She's gonna explode.
You're right.
She's a ticking time bomb.
I am not sparring with her.
I'm not afraid of Mom.
She carries spiders out of the house in a paper cup.
Okay, fighters.
Face your sparring partner.
Eve, you're with me.
Rematch? Excellent.
How's your knee? Awful, but I'm on painkillers.
So what you're saying is, punch harder.
Come on, Mom.
It's you and me.
Let's go.
In the words of the Cowardly Lion, "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" Come on, Mom.
Hit me.
Okay! Okay.
Hyah! Ooh! You okay? I'm sorry.
Mom, do not apologize for hitting me, okay? And that was a love tap.
Come on.
That's 'cause I love you.
What? No.
Mom! Stop.
Come on, Mom.
Let the leather fly.
You know you always wanted to hit Kristin.
I have not.
Maybe it's just me.
(Gasps) Ow! Focus! Are you nuts? I'm just a little kid! My mom's here! Mom, come on, come on! Okay.
Keep your hands up, okay? Yeah.
Yeah? All right, all right.
Ow! Ooh, that was hard! Hey! No kicking! Mom, it's called kickboxing.
I don't care! Come on, hit me again! Hit me again! No, harder! I know you have it in you! Come on.
Like this? No, like this! Oh, my God.
We're gonna need some of your painkillers.
What the hell? Hey, Joe.
Hey, Mandy.
Glad you're here.
Hold this.
Um, so, anyways Yeah, I'm just checking that you're okay and none of this gets back to my father.
What the hell? What are you doing? I'm putting peanut butter on Chuck's security camera.
Um, you know, I don't think you're supposed to be doing that.
Well, while you're looking into it, I'm gonna keep working, okay? Okay.
What do you What do you think you're doing, Joe? Oh, Chuck, I'm sure he's just joking around.
Is it funny to compromise the security of the store? All the cameras are blocked from here to the loading dock! Well, I'm not comfortable in front of a camera, okay? What can I say? I'm, uh I'm bashful.
(Laughs) The book says you're supposed to be getting along by now.
Give me that toilet brush pole! No, this is my toilet brush pole! Why hasn't anybody read this book? Hey.
Larabee, what's going on? This guy put peanut butter on my cameras.
He put cameras in my peanut butter.
And unlike the great people at Reese's, you guys have made a mess.
Stop! What's happening? It's just a little bit of interpersonal conflict.
Don't worry, I got it.
- What did you do? - I just wanted to make sure there was no festering below the surface.
They're not festering, they're fighting.
Right, but they're not festering, so yay! Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
In addition to guns, camo, skis, bows, knives, and more guns it's a big store here (Chuckles) we also sell books.
That's right, we carry a wide variety of reading materials on climbing, exploring, hunting, camping, fishing, camo it's a big store.
Look, we know even when you're hiking, hunting, fishing, camping, or just hanging outside big store eventually you'll need the john and something to do while you're sitting there.
Some people prefer learning from a book.
Others like life lessons from the real world.
I order the swirl both flavors.
I read everything I can get my hands on.
Camille Paglia.
Dale Carnegie.
Gavin de Becker.
Jack Welch.
And even the Honey Nut cereal box.
I know, they're still cramming a lot of Riboflavin in there.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Lewis said, "Experience is a brutal teacher, but you'll learn, by God, you'll learn.
" As opposed to the fourth grade where Mr.
Latham was a brutal teacher and I didn't learn too much.
Except what the back of a ruler felt like.
(Ruler cracks) I was paying attention! But I've learned an awful lot about business, about when to go by the book and when to go with my gut.
And I think you'll find the more book learning you do about your trade, the more often your gut is right.
You know what, and there's some things that can't be taught in a book.
Like, ironically, how to read a book.
Oh, my God, Mom.
I am so, so, so sorry.
Well, you should be.
You hurt our poor, innocent mother, who gave us life! I was just trying to help her, okay? And you agreed, okay? We both thought she was going to explode! All right, girls.
Girls, stop.
I am fine.
I mean, hey, why would you think I'd explode? Uh, 'cause you never have.
I mean, there's got to be some rage lurking underneath that eerily calm surface.
Seriously, Mom.
No one smiles that much and means it.
Well, I do! Yeah, I do.
I don't have untapped rage.
I have a great life.
Listen, if I got rage-y about everything, that would make me seem ungrateful and small-minded.
Mm, you mean like Kristin? Hey! Watch it! Girls, look.
Come on.
I had fun.
I tried something new.
I got to hang out with my girls, and I wasn't even unconscious that long, but I I feel so rested! (Chuckles) I feel awful.
Oh, there you go.
There you go.
Look, honey.
Rage just isn't my thing, but but guilt is.
Love you.
Even though you hurt me.
Wow, wow, wow.
She just nailed you.
Now I really feel like punching somebody.
You know who I think would enjoy kickboxing? Mandy.
I was just trying to demonstrate how useless he is! Okay.
Do you have me on camera sleeping? Because I have you on camera sleeping! Knock it off! The reason I didn't have you pitching is because I wanted you to work for it because you're lazy! He got me there.
But you could have named me pitcher.
That would have made him work for it, too, right? You're a lousy pitcher! We beat Der Wienerschnitzel by three runs.
26 to 23.
Okay, I'm not a good pitcher.
Cleared up.
Now let's get back to work.
And get the peanut butter off that damn camera down there! Can I just keep it on the one in my area? That soft focus I mean, it takes off like 10 years, I can't believe it.
Joe! I'm going, I'm going! Okay, I know that looked bad, but I was just trying to get them to talk it out like my book said.
You know, I can probably find a book that will tell you everything in that book is wrong.
There's only one book you have to follow word for word.
The Bible.
The Federal Tax Code.
'Cause there's no statute of limitations and they will chase you down.
I think I see your point.
Books are stupid.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what I'm saying.
There's a lot of information in books.
Great information.
But you got to know when to trust your gut.
Okay, first of all, I don't have a gut.
And if I had one, I wouldn't trust it.
I'd be disgusted by it.
There's two things that make a great manager all the knowledge in those books and the experience to know when to apply that knowledge.
Yeah, and I guess I don't have the experience yet, so I shouldn't have butted in.
Although I do trust my butt.
(Chuckles) Doesn't happen overnight.
It takes some time.
I wasn't always this good at this.
But I got some experience today, right? Yes, you did.
You know? I think I finally understand what they mean when they say, "You don't know what you don't know until you don't know it.
" I didn't used to know that.
I'm not entirely sure you do right now.
The big man who scares bears! The straw really worked! No bear attacks.
By the way, I bumped into Chuck and I made him our new starting pitcher.
Do you have to go handle that? Yeah.
This is why I can't deal with ISIS.
Mandy: (Squeals) These are so cushy! Like, how do you even hurt anybody with these things? Like this! Ow! And like this! Hey! Come on! You're gonna leave a bruise! All right, come on! Get mad at me, Mandy! I'm tougher than you, I'm smarter than you.
So what? My skin's three years younger than yours.
What? How dare you?! (Groaning) (Shouting) Whoo! Holy crap.
What the heck happened? Yeah! You want a piece of me?! Yeah! This is my house now! (Groans) Mandy has more anger than we thought.

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