Last Man Standing s07e01 Episode Script

Welcome Baxter

1 Vanessa: Eve just called.
She and Kristin will be here any minute.
Wh-What'd you think the banner was for, Kyle? Uh, no, no.
I'm-I'm trying to DVR my favorite show, but it's not on.
Oh, well, maybe it got canceled.
You know, the TV business can be a heartless bastard.
Canceled? Why would they cancel a popular show that everybody loves? (Mouthing) Maybe they're a bunch of idiots.
- Just try another channel.
- Oh, Mike.
(Scoffs) They don't just take a show off one network and put it on a different network.
(Laughs) Hey, there it is.
- You were right, Mr.
- Oh.
Am I wrong or is it, like, way better on this network? (Chuckles) Way better.
Way better.
I'll be damned.
I've never heard of this happening before.
Mike: Well, it's pretty rare.
Show must have a lot of loyal, kick-ass fans, huh? Mandy, honey, where are you? They're here.
- (Horn honks) - Hey.
Uh, just a heads-up.
- Mandy's kind of mad at me right now.
- Yeah? Well, she changed something about herself, and I can't figure out what.
Marriage is kind of like karate, right? You're new at it.
You're, like, a white belt.
Me, I'm a black belt.
So welcome to my dojo, huh? Mom, Mom.
This is really weird, but I got lost upstairs.
I like it.
She looks exactly the same.
- Oh, my baby's home.
- Hi.
(Laughs): Oh! Oh, my dignified academy cadet.
Oh, I missed my mommy.
Hey, sis.
Whoa, Mandy! I love it.
You guys are so sweet.
Oh, Dad.
Dad, Dad, Dad.
You haven't changed a bit.
Well, that's the good thing about me.
No matter how long you haven't seen me, I'm still the same old guy.
- Uh-oh, military's here.
- Oh.
But don't worry, Chuck, she's on our side.
(Laughs) Eve! Or should I say cadet.
- At ease, jarhead.
- (Laughs) - There she is.
There she is.
- Ed.
The best thing that'll happen to the Air Force.
Well, next to those things that keep the geese out of the engines.
Good to see you back, kiddo.
Now you'll be able to relax a bit, huh? Oh, she's a cadet at the Air Force Academy.
She's not gonna relax, right, Eve? Well, last night I slept in my footie pajamas, so Hey, Chuck, I need some help with my computer.
It's frozen.
Uh, you could try command-alt-delete.
Or command-Chuck-do-it.
Hey, Baxters.
- Hey, Baxter.
- I wanted to get Boyd and finish his birdhouse.
Where is he? Uh, he's at home with his father.
- Mr.
- Ooh.
I haven't seen Ryan in a while.
How's he adapting to the new and improved America? Watches TV all day, and he screams into a pillow.
You know, I get it.
People see me in uniform and assume I want to hear their hot take on what America really needs.
Spoiler alert: I do not.
Hey, I told you I'd spring for that fancy dinner later at Outdoor Man Grill.
Be hungry.
I was born hungry.
Well, I've eaten since then, but I'll be hungry again.
- Want to join us? - Mike: Uh, no.
I'm gonna grab Boyd and bring him back here.
And since Ryan'll be there, I'll stop by and pick up a nice bottle of gloat.
- Hey.
- Hey, Boyd.
You ready to go? Uh, Dad's still making me dinner.
Did the part come in for the dirt bike? (Chuckles): Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think you mean "birdhouse.
" And yes, the part for the 65cc birdhouse came in.
- Hey, Ryan.
- Hey.
(Sighs) Uh, Boyd, dinner's in the kitchen.
Fried chicken.
You fried a chicken? Yeah.
I get to eat an animal, and it's not even Christmas.
I don't get it.
Why eat healthy? Whole country's going to hell.
Oh, God, you are in deep.
What happened to that whole thing about, "chickens are people, too"? Don't start with me right now, okay? I'm not in the mood.
You don't have to be in the mood.
Just listen.
Or we can watch TV.
I mean, how can you not watch TV when the whole world is going nuts? See? Look, another breaking news alert.
It's almost like they're deliberately forcing us to stay glued to our TVs.
I mean, how is it that one person can create such a mess? Well, a lot of people didn't like the last eight years.
Okay, but at least your bad guy was a good guy.
And more importantly, he was attractive.
It's always the pretty people that cause the trouble.
Are you enjoying making fun of me? Yes, I am, as a matter of fact.
Come on, listen.
Politicians, politics always change.
Sometimes it's my guys.
- Sometimes it's your morons.
- Okay.
But it is way worse now, and this is the world that my son is gonna have to grow up in.
Not if you keep giving him fried chicken.
- Please don't block the TV, Mike.
- Just Come on, come on, come on.
I have daughter and a grandson that need you to think less about this and more about them.
- I think about them all the time.
- No, you don't.
All you do is sit in Yes, I do, which is what drives me crazy, because there's nothing I can do about it.
'Cause you can't change the world.
But there are certain small things you can do to control your own life, like this.
Give me this.
Watch this.
Look, watch.
Oh! This is weird.
I can still hear it in my head.
Give yourself a break.
Go somewhere.
There's a march on Saturday.
How about something relaxing? Protest yoga.
I wasn't aware they had such a thing, but that's Th-That sounds great.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey, baby.
I made your favorite breakfast.
Ooh, spinach frittata and roasted tomatoes? No, I think actually I made my favorite breakfast.
- A pan of ham, man.
- (Vanessa laughs) Well, hide that.
Ryan just pulled up, and I don't want him to get scared away.
You know, we hardly see him anymore.
- You know, I actually think I fixed that.
- Yeah? I went over there and gave him a Mike Baxter inspirational speech.
I think we're all good.
I'm kind of like Gandhi but better 'cause I bring ham.
- Knock, knock.
- Hey.
I come bearing homemade gifts.
Those are the best kind.
Which is why you can never find a parking place at House of Felt.
As a thank-you, Mike, for talking me out of my funk, I brought some fresh jars of my homemade elderberry jam.
Not necessary.
Or wanted.
Oh, Mike.
But he's berry glad for help from his elder.
Making it worse, honey.
How are you doing? Uh, I'm good.
Actually, you made me realize that it's time to get serious and to stop being a victim and take some control of my life.
Just needed a little push.
So I'm moving the family to Canada.
You're moving to Canada? Look, I know it's kind of sudden, but please try not to overreact.
You're ripping my grandbaby from my arms.
So there's a "no.
" I'm a "no.
" What does Kris think? She's mulling it over.
Kind of loudly.
So there's three "no's.
" And I'm sure Canada's not all that happy about it.
Look, I know that it's big news, but I'm not actually asking for your permission.
Mike: Wha? But what are we gonna do, Mike? Not gonna do anything about it.
(Scoffs) A lot of people say they're moving to Canada.
They never move.
He's Canadian! Mandy: Ryan can't take Boyd to Canada.
They'll be separated at the border.
Mandy, Dad and I need to talk, so Well, you should do it now.
You're together.
Get out.
What's going on in there? It is a private discussion.
And? Ryan wants to move the family to Canada.
- Oh, Canada the country? - (Eve sighs) Wow, typical Ryan.
Loses the election and whines his way all the way back to his poutine-loving safe space.
Actually, lots of people aren't happy with this administration's social policies.
Since when did you get all woke? Until last year you thought the Presidential Seal was an actual seal.
Hey, I didn't ask to be socially aware.
The news has seeped into all my social media platforms Twitter, Instagram, Peepers, Flom-Flom All right, look, I swore an oath to defend this nation, and if Ryan is so unhappy here, I say good riddance.
- Eve has a point.
- Just because someone's unhappy with how things are doesn't mean they're not patriotic.
Our forefathers or maybe there were five anyway, they all wanted us to express our opinions.
- That's true.
- And I'll express my opinion.
The election's over, my friend.
Which election, the popular vote or the electric college? - Wow.
- You know, they say there's two sides to every argument.
Mandy: Yeah.
But you're my husband, so you're on my side, right, babe? - Actually, I - Oh! Ha! - He agrees with me.
- No, he agrees with me.
- No, with me.
- Can't I just be in the middle? - There is no middle anymore! - There's no middle anymore, Kyle! Guys, guys, you got to stop arguing about this stuff.
Y-You're so loud we can't even argue.
She's being a right-wing idiot.
Well, she's being a left-wing idiot.
That's actually redundant.
(Laughs) Electric college? - Are you actually dumb? - I'm sorry, do you know - Did you hear what I said? - (Overlapping arguing) - Girls.
Girls! - (Whistle blows) That's it.
For the rest of Eve's visit, there will be no more political discussion.
Until you leave, Eve, nobody talks politics but me.
(Whistle blows) Not you, either.
- What happened to free speech? - Uh-uh.
When did we turn into UC Berkeley? Chuck: What a great kid.
Hey, hi, Mikey.
We're just talking about Eve.
You and Vanessa should be proud - of all your kids.
- That's right.
They're all a pain in the ass.
It's gonna be a long day.
They're all at each other's throats because of all this political stuff.
Gee, they sound like every other person in America.
I blame highly caffeinated sports drinks.
Now, you know, my wife says no more political talk around the house, you know? So all we talk about is I don't know.
What do boring families talk about? I don't know.
I live alone.
Alexa and I play Jeopardy! Sadly, you're not the only family going through this, amigo.
Since the election, when my brother calls, I don't even answer the phone.
I know he's trolling for an argument.
Wait a minute, you haven't been taking my calls lately.
This is not what America's supposed to be.
- Mm.
- I miss the good old days, when we were all on the same page.
Yeah, like during the Vietnam War.
That's a good point.
All right, and it was a little tense during the McCarthy hearings in the '50s, too.
Gee, sounds like you fellas had it rough.
Fortunately, for me, civil rights movement? Cake walk.
Maybe there's something in the Americans' DNA - that causes conflict.
- I don't think there's anything wrong with conflict.
I just don't think we should be turning on each other.
I mean, we're better than that, right? So, I'm liking the Broncos' defense this year.
Look at this.
Wonderful to see my two beautiful daughters spending time with each other.
I didn't know she was here.
I'll leave.
I can change the welcome banner to "Good-bye.
" And I look forward to seeing how you spell it.
You know, they say kids just grow up way too fast.
Well, I am still waiting for that.
Oh, hey, Mr.
Welcome home.
(Whispers): Leave.
I think I'm gonna clean the living room floor now, so, uh, go to separate rooms.
No, no, no, no.
Everybody stay right here.
Kyle, come back in here.
Come on, come on.
Sit down.
You know why? 'Cause we're a family and we're gonna have a nonpolitical conversation.
Okay? Who wants to start? Who wants to go? Come on.
I'll go.
Great day for me.
Saw a dead beaver.
Right off the exit, you know, 19.
(Sighs) Okay.
You go.
Thank you.
Uh, yeah, well, let's see, um, hmm the last time you tried to fix something, uh, half the family said they were moving to Canada.
Thanks for the help.
Eve, say something nice to your sister, please.
(Sighs) Fine.
Mandy, I like that you're an idiot, because you're easy to win arguments with.
Oh, yeah? I'm smart enough to not end a sentence with "with.
" (Quietly): Damn it.
Come on, come on, girls.
Are you no longer even capable of being polite to each other? - Nope.
- Ditto.
No ditto.
No ditto.
You're the ditto.
Have you guys seen Boyd? - Mom, is Boyd here? - What? No, why? He was supposed to be home two hours ago.
Oh, boy.
Just relax a second.
(Stammers) Who talked to him last? We called all of his friends.
Nobody's seen him.
We don't know what to do.
- Mike: Um, let's - Mandy, let's check the park.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Good idea.
I'll get my keys.
Uh, uh, Kyle and I, we'll-we'll check the arcade.
- Yeah, he likes the one on Leetsdale.
- Okay.
I should be home, in case he shows? Yeah, and, uh, I'll check the comic book store.
All right, I'm gonna stay here in case he comes here.
And call me if you find him! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Larabee, it's me.
Do me a favor and, uh, check the security cams.
Um, go to the loading dock.
Chuck: Ah.
Looks like Boyd - is working on your birdhouse.
- Okay, perfect.
Do me a little favor.
Keep an eye on him till I get there.
I got to call my family.
- Hey, Grandpa.
- Don't "Hey, Grandpa" me.
Before I figured out where you were, everybody was going crazy looking for you.
Guess I should've told 'em where I was going.
You might've thought about that before you ran away.
And, by the way, next time you run away, don't.
- Sorry.
- I haven't seen your dad this upset since Rachel Maddow took a week off.
I-I just wanted a quiet place to think.
I get it.
We don't have to talk.
I don't want to move to Canada.
My flag football team is actually letting me play this year.
Have you told your folks this? You can tell your parents anything, kid.
Except about this.
If they ask you, you were hiding in my office.
I just hate fighting.
E-Everybody's fighting about everything.
Even at school.
It's like everything's broken.
We saw this at a garage sale.
Remember what everybody said? "Why do you want that? It's broken.
" But you said it had a lot of parts that still work.
That's what I told you.
I told the owner, "It's a piece of junk.
I'll give you ten bucks for it.
" Look, we saw something worth saving.
And we were both willing to do the work together to fix it.
If you have that, you can put anything back together again.
- There.
- Yeah.
You're gonna have the fastest birdhouse in the parking lot.
Wipe up your hands.
We're gonna go fix something else.
Not cool, Boyd.
Okay, you hear me? That was really, really not cool.
So, so not cool.
Really, really, really not cool.
You guys can yell at him or whatever this is later.
I got to talk to everybody.
I have a I really Okay, he's not in the crawlspace.
- No, he's not.
- Wait, he's in the living room.
Congratulations, Kyle, you found him.
Okay, great.
I-I want to just talk to the adults.
Boyd, could you give us a minute, please? Thank God the kid's back and you can discipline him however you want that's your business but I think we should be thanking him a little bit.
(Chuckles) Really? Can't wait to hear this one.
'Cause he got in trouble thank God there's nothing wrong we started acting like a family for a minute.
This - It was good stuff - Yeah, so true, Mr.
You have a spider in your hair.
Come on, guys.
We're gonna have differences.
- (Stammers) Um - Right.
- And we're gonna disagree, yes, yes.
- Right, right.
- But we can't let that break us apart.
- Exactly.
We have to always remember that we love each other.
And-and because of that, we treat each other with dignity and respect, because that's who we are.
(Exhales) I'm sorry about earlier.
Mike: Mm.
I'm sorry we started this whole thing with talk of us moving to Canada.
I just don't feel like I have a choice.
Look, I know that you're not happy about it, but I need to take some action or I'm gonna lose my mind.
What about everything my mom and dad just said? Yeah, it was a really nice little speech.
But, I mean, come on, do you honestly respect my opinion? Not even a little.
But I do respect your right to have one.
So, here.
- What's this? - Read it.
You said you want to do something, do something.
"Application for U.
Citizenship"? We have to fill out a form? I never did that! Mandy! Shh, shh.
Are you sure you want me to become a U.
citizen? - I don't know.
- You realize that this is - my vote canceling out yours.
- Oh, no.
It's gonna be fine.
There's a lot more me's out there.
You used to talk about doing this.
Yeah, but it's a long process and there's no guarantee.
Uh, I guarantee that I will kill you if you take away my grandbaby.
There you go.
All right, fine.
- I will think about it.
- Mike: Great.
- Thank you, honey.
- Hey, Boyd.
Come on in.
Hey, we're done, we're done.
We're good.
Come here.
- Great job, sweetie.
- Thanks.
- Listen, this worked out pretty well.
- Mm.
I got an idea.
I think we should have a lot more - family tragedies, because - No! No I've got it.
You're taller and blonde! Yes! (Chuckles) I'll be damned.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, here to talk about, well, talking.
(Chuckles) It's one of my favorite hobbies.
A wise man once said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
" And then it was said an even wiser man said to that guy, "Look, jackass, listen up.
You might learn something.
" All right, you got me.
I'm the second wise man in that story.
Let's be honest, if nobody's talking, then nobody's listening.
If nobody's listening, nobody's learning.
And if nobody's learning, then good TV shows get canceled.
They will.
But even in our country and even within our families, not communicating seems to be the weapon of choice right now.
We un-friend, un-like, and un-follow instead of trying to understand each other.
Now, it doesn't matter which side you're on (Chuckling): although one side literally has the word "right" right in it.
(Muttering, chuckling) (Sighs) If we just hunker down in our separate corners, nobody wins.
(Whispers): Except Location Services on your phone.
In America, we've always been able to have tough conversations.
Civil rights, Vietnam, the human hot potato Kanye West.
He's yours.
Uh, no, yours.
You can have him.
No, he's not ours.
He's, like, yours.
You can have him.
No, we don't Literally, we don't want him.
So to the families of America and to the American family, keep talking.
Unless you know a smarter guy with better ideas is talking, then you could just listen to him.
Baxter out.

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