Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s15e01 Episode Script
How To Clear Your Pipes
We shouldn't just be lying here.
I like lying here.
That's always been your trouble - a tendency towards the horizontal.
Why is he talking Spanish, Norm? Pay attention, little cretin.
Horizontal isn't Spanish.
I bet it was to Rudolph Valentino.
Was he Spanish? Well, with a name like Valentino, he wasn't Yorkshire, was he? It wouldn't have been the same if he'd been Yorkshire - Rudolph Micklethwaite.
He could never have made The Sheik.
You can't snatch women out of tents if you're called Micklethwaite! Oh, I'd like to snatch Nora Batty out of a tent and ride off with her into the sunset! You're too idle.
You wouldn't be fit enough to snatch Nora Batty out of a tent! Maybe if he came silently out of the night by taxi.
I could call a taxi and ride off with her! Wouldn't you rather be able to take her up in your muscular arms? Ooh, that sounds good to me! Don't just be an idiot - be an equal opportunities idiot.
Let HER snatch YOU up in HER muscular arms! Assault courses.
That's the stuff to sort the men from the muffins.
Well, on behalf of us muffins, Foggy, I'd like you to forget all this talk about assault courses.
Once you'd done it, you'd enjoy it.
My chaps always did.
That's not Spanish, it's rubbish! He's very fluent in rubbish.
I admit I used to drive men hard and they hated it at the time.
I'M hating it already.
But once I'd driven them to a peak of fitness, well, they used to come up to me and have a quiet word.
Aye, I know what word.
"Thank you, Corporal.
" Big, burly men with a tear in their eye.
It's little moments like that that make leadership so worthwhile.
Not saying goodbye to me? I thought you were busy, love.
I didn't want to worry you.
I thought it might be too upsetting for you emotionally.
Me going off to pit my endurance against the area's best.
It wouldn't have been too emotional for me, although it might be for you if it turns out you're not actually in a bicycle race.
Of course it's a race! I've got a number! And I've got YOUR number! And don't you forget it! No, no, no.
Get some rhythm into it, some co-ordination.
I notice tha's not doing it! Somebody has to stand here and provide the motivation.
I see spots before my eyes! That's because you're not fit.
You'll soon get rid of them.
When everything goes black! We'll have a break in a minute.
A minute? A whole minute? Good grief! You can't be tired already! You both look terribly civilian from this angle.
What if we fall? You'll probably hurt yourself, so don't fall.
Now he tells us! Assault courses are about dicing with danger.
BRANCH CREAKS She never has much luck with men.
You can't say she hasn't tried.
You'd have thought she'd got the hang of it by now.
I see her occasionally at the hairdresser's - all gob and glitter.
Sometimes I fear for her life.
Earrings with that much metal should never be under a hair-dryer! Are her skirts still as short? Does she still think her knees are 18 years old? Talking of knees! I wondered if you'd display this poster announcing the bicycle race.
I'll stick it up somewhere.
Your kind gesture will be much appreciated in charitable circles.
That was never the expression of a man planning a bicycle race.
I wonder what he's up to? I hope it's nothing strenuous, by the look of them knees.
LOUD GROANS Oh, me arms are coming out! Nonsense! It's your trousers that look as if they're coming out! Can I ask if you'll kindly donate my body to medical science? It'll be no use to me after this! This is nothing compared to what assault courses used to be like.
You'd do it over deep, muddy water.
Instead of old chicken poo! It's all in the mind.
Stop thinking you can't do it and tell yourselves you can! I CAN do it! I CAN do it! That's better.
I can't do it! I CAN'T do it! How far am I off the floor? About 12 inches.
What a pair of civilians! I never thought I'd actually enjoy lying here in chicken poo! I hope my ferrets still talk to me.
Once you get the hang of it and feel the fitness, you'll thank me.
They used to thank me.
"Corporal," they'd say, "I'd like you to be best man at my wedding.
" I wish I'd been the best man at my wedding.
If you go through pie and peas like that, you should be quicker on that rope.
I'm not doing that any more! It makes your arms ache.
I think my arms are longer.
I'm SURE they're longer.
They're not.
They FEEL longer! And he's not doing any rope tricks.
That's true! I was going to change the exercise.
A born leader knows how to keep the interest of his men.
We ought to have a nap on the hill.
I wouldn't mind training for a nap.
I wonder if you'd mind displaying this poster.
It's for the bicycle race.
What bicycle race? It's all on the poster.
It's a big event.
Howard's busy.
Regular little organiser.
I wish people would leave it to those who CAN organise.
ECHOING: Youah! Come along! Quicker than that.
Elbows and knees, elbows and knees! COMPO SHOUTS What did he say? I'm not sure, but I don't think it was, "Happy birthday!" Come along.
When we've done these, we can start on the smaller pipes.
That's even more of a challenge.
Wesley? Wesley? I think I got the mixture wrong.
She'll be a hot little beast! Wesley, it's an emergency! No, it's just a little explosion.
No, I mean up the road.
You've got to come.
Bring your equipment.
I'm in the middle of important work.
I see that.
I can't go tearing off at the drop ofa five-pound note.
Maybe I could for a ten-pound note.
That is outrageous! All right, all right.
I'll get me equipment.
Circus! I love a good circus.
Eli cycle race! A cycle race AND a circus! Things are looking up round here! Will you get a move on, Wesley? How did it happen? Never mind, "How did it happen?" Oh, I see how it happened.
They don't follow orders to the letter.
If only they would follow orders to the letter.
Interesting possibilities here for gentlemen of a sporting nature.
So they say! I can't see Howard.
He'll be around somewhere.
They're a double act.
She always looks extremely unmarried, somehow.
How did they get in there? They were doing an assault course.
Ask a silly question! Have no fear, help is here.
What kept you? Tha's been hours! We came as quickly as we could.
Have you any idea how quickly you can get bored inside here? I was with you in spirit all the way.
I thought his ferrets were supposed to do this! Auntie Wainwright? Are you there, Auntie Wainwright? LOUDSPEAKER: 'Don't touch a thing! I see you! Keep your hands in your pockets!' I'm not wearing any pockets! 'Use your initiative!' Oh, it's you.
I wondered if you wouldn't mind displaying this poster.
Come inside.
Don't stand there in a draught.
I like customers to have the freedom of the premises.
I'm not buying, Auntie.
I just came to see about this poster.
No pockets? So, I suppose, no cash.
Well, you're a challenge.
Why is there a number on your tropical pyjamas? Pyjamas! They're for bicycle racing.
Bicycle racing? One of the wealthier sports.
No, that's polo, Auntie.
Still, I bet there's a bob or two available to those who go racing.
Come in, lad.
Browse around.
I'm not buying! You keep saying that.
You're getting nowhere! Maybe if we just tried one at a time and took a leg each? We ought to try one at a time and take a leg each.
Now why didn't I think of that? What are you doing? We're going to pull you free! What about me? All in good time.
Right, Wesley, on my signal.
One, two, three Oh! O-o-oh! You enjoying that, Norm? He's stuck too firmly.
We'll have to try the other one.
Pull ! Pull ! Oh, you were made for each other.
It fits you like a glove.
I don't think Pearl wants a combined coatrack and umbrella-stand.
Ah, but it's not just a combined coatrack and umbrella-stand.
It's a token of your affection.
All I wanted to do was leave the poster.
Now listen, lad.
Keep absolutely mum about this.
No gossiping! I shan't tell anybody.
If word ever got out that I was offering credit! I only did it because you're family and have a sharp eye for a bargain.
Taking into consideration that you ARE family, I hereby guarantee to display your poster in a prominent position.
At, let's see now a merely token charge of 50p.
I know you've got no pockets.
We'll add it on to your repayments for the coatrack.
That's what families are for.
I've got to go, lad.
Call again any time.
Oh! And if you're not too proud to take an old woman's advice, here it is - don't get behind with the payments.
What's tha doing now? Well, we're going to pull Clegg out with the Land-rover.
Then you.
How come I'm always last? Because nobody's ever very anxious to work anywhere near your feet! Could I ask a question? Suppose me legs come off? Oh, that's very unlikely.
I'll be watching for that kind of thing.
Right, Wesley, on my command.
Oh, and Wesleyresist all temptation to get your clog down.
Clutch out, very slowly.
Give it a bit more tempo! We don't seem to be getting anywhere here.
I bet tha's enjoying going first, Norm, eh? All right, Wesley, pack it in.
I'm going to be taller! I am! I'm going to be taller! We seem to be getting nothing but complaints from this pipe! It's the lack of gratitude wears you down.
Get the cutting gear, Wesley.
Fine set of antlers on that! Should it be riding a bicycle? Right, now things may get a bit confusing from here, but don't worry.
I shall be supervising at all times.
What are you going to do? Lift you on to the Land-rover and take you back to Wesley's.
I don't like it! We haven't started yet.
How do you know you don't? I believe him! He's convinced me! You'll be all right! Wesley and I are approaching this scientifically.
You two just have to go along for the ride.
Lucky you! Come on, Wesley.
Right - one, two, three, up! Whoa! Don't worry.
We'll walk! You know what the biggest hazard in our game is? The Chief Superintendent? Apart from him! Apart from him? Surprise! The sudden, unexpected something that turns up.
The Chief Superintendent! If you're a member of the public, when some sudden shock arrives, you're allowed to scream and panic and pedal off over the horizon.
But a policeman in uniform must take everything in his stride.
He's got to be ready to handle it.
Up to a point.
Beyond that, I think I'd scream, panic and pedal away! You have to train yourself.
Over the years, I've trained myself to be ready for that instant shock.
And when that sudden shock comes, I'll stay cool and in command.
She's obsessed with her curtains.
She only married him because he promised her Austrian blinds.
I may be old-fashioned You ARE old-fashioned, Mother.
That'll do from you.
See? What goes on BEHIND some people's curtains makes you think! What goes on behind people's curtains that makes you think? Well, I don't know! I'm speaking generally.
I'm not so sure everything's right behind those Austrian blinds.
Why do people want these foreign things? Austrian blinds (!) What next? A husband with a feather in his hat and leather shorts? Mine's in shorts.
They're not leather, but the effect's as foreign.
With THEIR knees, I've never understood why men wear shorts.
My Barry's nice in shorts.
You weren't brought up to notice people in shorts.
I AM married, Mother.
That's no excuse.
What limp excuse is that? They get up to weirder things than wearing shorts.
I can't imagine what they'd look weirder in than shorts! Fancy getting stuck up a drain-pipe at their age! Why do an assault course? Inside every grown man, there's a juvenile struggling to get out! It's who they're struggling to get out WITH that amazes me.
I hope Wesley's not cutting into anything he shouldn't be.
It's the first time he's done this.
COMPO AND CLEGG COUGH All right, no more assault courses.
This has been a lesson to me.
You're just not up to it.
I'm glad you noticed that.
'Ey up, is that Nora Batty come to welcome me out of a pipe? Keep away! Keep away! We shall get all the exercise we need in Howard's bicycle race.
We've really cracked it this time, love.
People will think we're in a bicycle race! Why did we put posters up? We've made it seem like a REAL bicycle race! Suppose other people turn up? There aren't any prizes, love.
Who'd turn up for a gruelling race without any prizes? It must be here.
It's here (!) They're off! Come in No.
34, your time's up! Marina's way out in front! That's always been my impression.
BBC Scotland 1993
I like lying here.
That's always been your trouble - a tendency towards the horizontal.
Why is he talking Spanish, Norm? Pay attention, little cretin.
Horizontal isn't Spanish.
I bet it was to Rudolph Valentino.
Was he Spanish? Well, with a name like Valentino, he wasn't Yorkshire, was he? It wouldn't have been the same if he'd been Yorkshire - Rudolph Micklethwaite.
He could never have made The Sheik.
You can't snatch women out of tents if you're called Micklethwaite! Oh, I'd like to snatch Nora Batty out of a tent and ride off with her into the sunset! You're too idle.
You wouldn't be fit enough to snatch Nora Batty out of a tent! Maybe if he came silently out of the night by taxi.
I could call a taxi and ride off with her! Wouldn't you rather be able to take her up in your muscular arms? Ooh, that sounds good to me! Don't just be an idiot - be an equal opportunities idiot.
Let HER snatch YOU up in HER muscular arms! Assault courses.
That's the stuff to sort the men from the muffins.
Well, on behalf of us muffins, Foggy, I'd like you to forget all this talk about assault courses.
Once you'd done it, you'd enjoy it.
My chaps always did.
That's not Spanish, it's rubbish! He's very fluent in rubbish.
I admit I used to drive men hard and they hated it at the time.
I'M hating it already.
But once I'd driven them to a peak of fitness, well, they used to come up to me and have a quiet word.
Aye, I know what word.
"Thank you, Corporal.
" Big, burly men with a tear in their eye.
It's little moments like that that make leadership so worthwhile.
Not saying goodbye to me? I thought you were busy, love.
I didn't want to worry you.
I thought it might be too upsetting for you emotionally.
Me going off to pit my endurance against the area's best.
It wouldn't have been too emotional for me, although it might be for you if it turns out you're not actually in a bicycle race.
Of course it's a race! I've got a number! And I've got YOUR number! And don't you forget it! No, no, no.
Get some rhythm into it, some co-ordination.
I notice tha's not doing it! Somebody has to stand here and provide the motivation.
I see spots before my eyes! That's because you're not fit.
You'll soon get rid of them.
When everything goes black! We'll have a break in a minute.
A minute? A whole minute? Good grief! You can't be tired already! You both look terribly civilian from this angle.
What if we fall? You'll probably hurt yourself, so don't fall.
Now he tells us! Assault courses are about dicing with danger.
BRANCH CREAKS She never has much luck with men.
You can't say she hasn't tried.
You'd have thought she'd got the hang of it by now.
I see her occasionally at the hairdresser's - all gob and glitter.
Sometimes I fear for her life.
Earrings with that much metal should never be under a hair-dryer! Are her skirts still as short? Does she still think her knees are 18 years old? Talking of knees! I wondered if you'd display this poster announcing the bicycle race.
I'll stick it up somewhere.
Your kind gesture will be much appreciated in charitable circles.
That was never the expression of a man planning a bicycle race.
I wonder what he's up to? I hope it's nothing strenuous, by the look of them knees.
LOUD GROANS Oh, me arms are coming out! Nonsense! It's your trousers that look as if they're coming out! Can I ask if you'll kindly donate my body to medical science? It'll be no use to me after this! This is nothing compared to what assault courses used to be like.
You'd do it over deep, muddy water.
Instead of old chicken poo! It's all in the mind.
Stop thinking you can't do it and tell yourselves you can! I CAN do it! I CAN do it! That's better.
I can't do it! I CAN'T do it! How far am I off the floor? About 12 inches.
What a pair of civilians! I never thought I'd actually enjoy lying here in chicken poo! I hope my ferrets still talk to me.
Once you get the hang of it and feel the fitness, you'll thank me.
They used to thank me.
"Corporal," they'd say, "I'd like you to be best man at my wedding.
" I wish I'd been the best man at my wedding.
If you go through pie and peas like that, you should be quicker on that rope.
I'm not doing that any more! It makes your arms ache.
I think my arms are longer.
I'm SURE they're longer.
They're not.
They FEEL longer! And he's not doing any rope tricks.
That's true! I was going to change the exercise.
A born leader knows how to keep the interest of his men.
We ought to have a nap on the hill.
I wouldn't mind training for a nap.
I wonder if you'd mind displaying this poster.
It's for the bicycle race.
What bicycle race? It's all on the poster.
It's a big event.
Howard's busy.
Regular little organiser.
I wish people would leave it to those who CAN organise.
ECHOING: Youah! Come along! Quicker than that.
Elbows and knees, elbows and knees! COMPO SHOUTS What did he say? I'm not sure, but I don't think it was, "Happy birthday!" Come along.
When we've done these, we can start on the smaller pipes.
That's even more of a challenge.
Wesley? Wesley? I think I got the mixture wrong.
She'll be a hot little beast! Wesley, it's an emergency! No, it's just a little explosion.
No, I mean up the road.
You've got to come.
Bring your equipment.
I'm in the middle of important work.
I see that.
I can't go tearing off at the drop ofa five-pound note.
Maybe I could for a ten-pound note.
That is outrageous! All right, all right.
I'll get me equipment.
Circus! I love a good circus.
Eli cycle race! A cycle race AND a circus! Things are looking up round here! Will you get a move on, Wesley? How did it happen? Never mind, "How did it happen?" Oh, I see how it happened.
They don't follow orders to the letter.
If only they would follow orders to the letter.
Interesting possibilities here for gentlemen of a sporting nature.
So they say! I can't see Howard.
He'll be around somewhere.
They're a double act.
She always looks extremely unmarried, somehow.
How did they get in there? They were doing an assault course.
Ask a silly question! Have no fear, help is here.
What kept you? Tha's been hours! We came as quickly as we could.
Have you any idea how quickly you can get bored inside here? I was with you in spirit all the way.
I thought his ferrets were supposed to do this! Auntie Wainwright? Are you there, Auntie Wainwright? LOUDSPEAKER: 'Don't touch a thing! I see you! Keep your hands in your pockets!' I'm not wearing any pockets! 'Use your initiative!' Oh, it's you.
I wondered if you wouldn't mind displaying this poster.
Come inside.
Don't stand there in a draught.
I like customers to have the freedom of the premises.
I'm not buying, Auntie.
I just came to see about this poster.
No pockets? So, I suppose, no cash.
Well, you're a challenge.
Why is there a number on your tropical pyjamas? Pyjamas! They're for bicycle racing.
Bicycle racing? One of the wealthier sports.
No, that's polo, Auntie.
Still, I bet there's a bob or two available to those who go racing.
Come in, lad.
Browse around.
I'm not buying! You keep saying that.
You're getting nowhere! Maybe if we just tried one at a time and took a leg each? We ought to try one at a time and take a leg each.
Now why didn't I think of that? What are you doing? We're going to pull you free! What about me? All in good time.
Right, Wesley, on my signal.
One, two, three Oh! O-o-oh! You enjoying that, Norm? He's stuck too firmly.
We'll have to try the other one.
Pull ! Pull ! Oh, you were made for each other.
It fits you like a glove.
I don't think Pearl wants a combined coatrack and umbrella-stand.
Ah, but it's not just a combined coatrack and umbrella-stand.
It's a token of your affection.
All I wanted to do was leave the poster.
Now listen, lad.
Keep absolutely mum about this.
No gossiping! I shan't tell anybody.
If word ever got out that I was offering credit! I only did it because you're family and have a sharp eye for a bargain.
Taking into consideration that you ARE family, I hereby guarantee to display your poster in a prominent position.
At, let's see now a merely token charge of 50p.
I know you've got no pockets.
We'll add it on to your repayments for the coatrack.
That's what families are for.
I've got to go, lad.
Call again any time.
Oh! And if you're not too proud to take an old woman's advice, here it is - don't get behind with the payments.
What's tha doing now? Well, we're going to pull Clegg out with the Land-rover.
Then you.
How come I'm always last? Because nobody's ever very anxious to work anywhere near your feet! Could I ask a question? Suppose me legs come off? Oh, that's very unlikely.
I'll be watching for that kind of thing.
Right, Wesley, on my command.
Oh, and Wesleyresist all temptation to get your clog down.
Clutch out, very slowly.
Give it a bit more tempo! We don't seem to be getting anywhere here.
I bet tha's enjoying going first, Norm, eh? All right, Wesley, pack it in.
I'm going to be taller! I am! I'm going to be taller! We seem to be getting nothing but complaints from this pipe! It's the lack of gratitude wears you down.
Get the cutting gear, Wesley.
Fine set of antlers on that! Should it be riding a bicycle? Right, now things may get a bit confusing from here, but don't worry.
I shall be supervising at all times.
What are you going to do? Lift you on to the Land-rover and take you back to Wesley's.
I don't like it! We haven't started yet.
How do you know you don't? I believe him! He's convinced me! You'll be all right! Wesley and I are approaching this scientifically.
You two just have to go along for the ride.
Lucky you! Come on, Wesley.
Right - one, two, three, up! Whoa! Don't worry.
We'll walk! You know what the biggest hazard in our game is? The Chief Superintendent? Apart from him! Apart from him? Surprise! The sudden, unexpected something that turns up.
The Chief Superintendent! If you're a member of the public, when some sudden shock arrives, you're allowed to scream and panic and pedal off over the horizon.
But a policeman in uniform must take everything in his stride.
He's got to be ready to handle it.
Up to a point.
Beyond that, I think I'd scream, panic and pedal away! You have to train yourself.
Over the years, I've trained myself to be ready for that instant shock.
And when that sudden shock comes, I'll stay cool and in command.
She's obsessed with her curtains.
She only married him because he promised her Austrian blinds.
I may be old-fashioned You ARE old-fashioned, Mother.
That'll do from you.
See? What goes on BEHIND some people's curtains makes you think! What goes on behind people's curtains that makes you think? Well, I don't know! I'm speaking generally.
I'm not so sure everything's right behind those Austrian blinds.
Why do people want these foreign things? Austrian blinds (!) What next? A husband with a feather in his hat and leather shorts? Mine's in shorts.
They're not leather, but the effect's as foreign.
With THEIR knees, I've never understood why men wear shorts.
My Barry's nice in shorts.
You weren't brought up to notice people in shorts.
I AM married, Mother.
That's no excuse.
What limp excuse is that? They get up to weirder things than wearing shorts.
I can't imagine what they'd look weirder in than shorts! Fancy getting stuck up a drain-pipe at their age! Why do an assault course? Inside every grown man, there's a juvenile struggling to get out! It's who they're struggling to get out WITH that amazes me.
I hope Wesley's not cutting into anything he shouldn't be.
It's the first time he's done this.
COMPO AND CLEGG COUGH All right, no more assault courses.
This has been a lesson to me.
You're just not up to it.
I'm glad you noticed that.
'Ey up, is that Nora Batty come to welcome me out of a pipe? Keep away! Keep away! We shall get all the exercise we need in Howard's bicycle race.
We've really cracked it this time, love.
People will think we're in a bicycle race! Why did we put posters up? We've made it seem like a REAL bicycle race! Suppose other people turn up? There aren't any prizes, love.
Who'd turn up for a gruelling race without any prizes? It must be here.
It's here (!) They're off! Come in No.
34, your time's up! Marina's way out in front! That's always been my impression.
BBC Scotland 1993