Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s15e02 Episode Script
Where There's Smoke, There's Barbecue
Get down! Get down! There's a good dog.
I hate it when they rear up like that.
# She's got a message from someone # Wonder who it could be # Someone who cares, she's unawares # Don't tell your granny cos she'll fall downstairs.
# What do you want? I've got a message for thee.
For me? Nora Batty.
Who from? The party wishes to remain anonymous.
What sort of a message? This sort.
Urgh! Any answer? Oh! Go on! Get away with ya! Go on! Good morning, sir.
I wonder if you'd mind answering a few simple questions? I'm sorry - the old killer reflex, you know.
You're perfectly safe now I know your intentions.
Here's a bit of advice.
Never make sudden movements when approaching strangers.
Right? Right, let's hear the questions.
I've lost me place now.
If you see me glance round while we're talking, it isn't that I mean to be rude.
It's just the old instincts checking the area for signs of trouble.
Trouble? Are you expecting trouble? Don't be alarmed.
I'll see you through.
You mentioned questions.
Er, yes.
Are you presently employed or retired? Retired.
And your former occupation? Trained killer.
That's k-i-l-l-e-r.
KNOCK AT DOOR Ah, come in, Howard.
Why are you walking funny, Howard? Who's walking funny? Oh, come off it, Howard.
You think it looks funny.
D'you think Pearl would notice? I think she just might.
What have you got in your pockets? Just a few nails.
A few nails? You never know when they might come in handy.
For Manchester's second airport? Can't a man do a bit of carpentry? I like carpentry.
Does Pearl know? No! I don't want Pearl to know.
You're doing carpentry out of wedlock.
Is that wise, Howard? Can't a man have the urge to do a bit of carpentry? The reason I called in, Cleggy, was I wondered if you had a chainsaw.
A chainsaw? Me? I was never even comfortable with a pencil sharpener.
Have they been? No, I've been lucky this morning.
Just well-behaved, paying customers.
Right, we'll soon put a stop to that.
How's my credit this morning? Non-existent.
Is that bad? I'm afraid so.
Ah, well, tha can't win 'em all.
I got a big, fat kiss this mornin' from Nora Batty - on the lips! # That old black magic # And lived to tell the tale? Only just.
I think that deserves a cup of tea, for sheer nerve.
Tha's a good lass, Ivy.
Give us a kiss.
Don't push your luck! So then G.
H.
Q.
India remembered this little mountain tribe in the vastness of Burma.
Wonderful little warrior race they were, only little fellas.
The question was, could they be welded into a fighting force to take on the Japanese? And if so, who was the man who could do it? I really must be going.
So Secret signals went out calling me back from behind enemy lines.
I was furious.
I said to them, "I'm in the business of killing Japs".
"We need you, Dewhirst", they said.
Listen, I "We need you to win the trust of these people.
" I should have interviewed They used to worship me.
They wanted me to stay, but I said, "The war is over.
No more kill Japanese.
" "Okay", they said, "we'll kill somebody else.
" I WAS tempted for a minute.
There I was with this wonderful fighting machine at my command.
I must confess there was a moment when I, wellthere I was toying with the idea of invading the Dutch East Indies.
I And don't spill it.
Spill it? Me? A man who used to carry nitroglycerine through enemy lines - at night.
Don't spill it.
Oh, tha's got a bun.
That's very observant.
Yes, I've got a bun.
I couldn't afford a bun.
That doesn't surprise me.
Cleggy hasn't got a bun, either.
I had a good breakfast.
That just leaves me - without a good breakfast and without a bun.
Oh, that is sad.
I find that very sad.
Do you want a bun? Norman.
Tha's a mate, Norm.
You spoil him.
One bun? A bun today, a bun tomorrow.
Will you fill that with tea for me, Ivy? What's the matter with your leg? What leg? I don't know what you mean.
Where's tha goin' with that flask, Howard? Just to do some carpentry.
Answer the lady's question.
What's wrong with your leg? Don't keep asking that.
There's nothing wrong with me leg.
HOLLOW KNOCKING It's just a bit of wood.
If you're a carpenter, you need bits of wood.
Down your trousers? It's Pearl.
I have to sneak it past Pearl.
She asks too many questions.
Who's paying for the flask of tea? And the bun.
I'm supposed to pay for your bun? It could stop us askin' all sorts of questions.
Make it two buns.
Why are we coming this way? What does it matter? It matters to me.
This is Auntie Wainwright's street.
It's not her street.
She merely happens to have a shop in it.
I'm not going near it.
Can we cross the road, please? Don't be ridiculous.
We're only passing it, not going inside.
Will you shut up and let me think? I've got to raise some money.
I can't go through life not being able to afford a bun.
Why change the habit of a lifetime? Some people would give an old lady a hand.
She's right.
Get hold of it.
Eh? That's enough.
Get hold of it.
And you, Clegg, come on.
It's a trap.
It's a trap.
Get hold of it.
Go on.
No, no.
Not that way.
Inside.
I want it inside.
Well, you heard the lady.
Take it inside.
But she was coming out.
Surely it's a woman's privilege to change her mind.
Right, where do you want it? Oh, just drop it down there.
Near the door.
I might need it again.
Put it down gently.
Gently! Hey up, Mildred.
This thing's heavy.
Oh.
Is it locked? Sometimes it does that.
Never mind.
You can have a look round while you're here while I get the door open.
Hello, Pearl.
Nora.
We're all sorry to hear about your Howard's leg.
What about my Howard's leg? Everybody said how bad it looks.
How come everyone's so familiar with my Howard's leg? Don't tell me.
There's a rumour he's got a wooden leg.
A wooden leg? My Howard? So they say.
Well, it's news to me.
I would've noticed.
Not lately, but there WAS a time.
I knew it was a trap.
Nothing to it.
Keep tha hands in tha pockets.
I try! You only get away with it because you have this reputation for being always broke.
It's important to a man - his reputation.
A portable barbecue.
What do I need with a portable barbecue? Well, at least I bought something useful.
Hey up, it's Nelson! Penelope Nelson.
It's amazing what a difference it makes.
Yeah, we noticed that.
Not only a Jessie, but a Jessie with a telescope.
What am I gonna do with a portable barbecue? Hot dogs! We'll have a sizzle up.
I'll be able to use this for the stars at night.
You probably won't see anything for the smoke from my barbecue.
Oh, hello, sailor.
Big order comin' up, lass.
We're on our way for a barbecue.
With a telescope? Where to? Oh, just into the hills.
Courtesy of the barbecue man here.
I'm not.
I'll not be known as the barbecue man.
It's unnatural for somebody who failed his electric toaster.
He bought a portable barbecue.
I didn't.
I was SOLD a portable barbecue.
We would like to purchase some sausages and bread rolls.
How many? 23.
We can't eat 23.
Perhaps not - it's going a bit mad.
22.
Half a dozen, Ivy.
Oh, it's a portable slimming barbecue, eh? It's never gonna work.
It's too complicated.
What's complicated about a barbecue? Oh, I bet I find something.
Barbecue? They're the wrong age for barbecues.
And for suddenly getting wooden legs.
Foggy Dewhirst is taking his telescope with him.
A telescope to a barbecue? What's he expecting - pirates? My Barry's pleased with his bifocals.
Nobody's interested in your husband's muscles.
How long's he been weight-lifting? He needn't come here with his bulging muscles.
His glasses, mother! Hands up anyone who's heard that my husband's got a wooden leg.
The wife's always the last to know.
I'd know if my Barry had a wooden leg.
Do you mind? You think you've kept your eye on everything.
Remember Mrs Spender? Her husband had a wooden leg.
In Hickleton Street.
Her daughter married an Armitage.
Went to live in Bridlington.
Was it a white wedding? They wouldn't be in morning dress with a wooden leg.
Only ONE had a wooden leg.
A wooden head.
Now, I could believe he's got a wooden head.
And now what? Well, you just light it.
Hurry up, I'm starving.
You keep saying that.
That's because I'm starving.
Where do you light it? Oh, for goodness sake.
Anybody fancy a pub lunch? A barbecue? You bring me a barbecue! I'm a Formula One person.
I'm into brake horsepower and torque and cornering forces.
Tha drives an old Landrover.
To you it might look like that.
To me she's a Ferrari in overalls.
Get off.
Well, you've got to do something with this, Wesley.
We've just lost six hot dogs.
Four.
He ate his two.
Aye.
They were horrible.
What do you expect me to do? It wants damping down a little.
It consumes things too fiercely.
Who does that description remind you of? I were hungry.
How could you tell the difference between the charcoal and the hot dog? The charcoal tasted better.
HAMMERING Oh, Wesley'll fix it.
He can't resist a mechanical challenge.
That reminds me, I must try and open that jar of pickled beetroot.
I like beetroot.
You like anything edible.
And one or two other things.
It's a lid you have to push up with your thumbs.
You know it's gonna splash red vinegar all over the tablecloth.
Who do we know with a wooden leg? HOWARD.
Long John Howard.
What exactly is Howard up to? Illicit carpentry.
A bit of extra-marital joinery.
Where? I've no idea.
SLURPS Where's your jar of beetroot? Why? Well, I'll open it for you.
Oh, are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
It's a very simple operation.
That's what they said to me Auntie Phyllis.
She woke up with only one leg.
Would you mind doing it over the sink in case it spills? There's no reason why it should spill if it's opened carefully.
Still, I'll do it over the sink.
Tha should've never let him loose with a jar of beetroot.
It's alright if he's over the sink.
What does tha reckon Howard's building? Oh, some stairway to paradise for him and Marina.
Maybe it's a birthday pressie.
Like a bungalow.
Good grief! Who jammed this on like this? BANGING Very nimble with our fingers.
It's the army training.
I'll open this damn thing if it kills me.
It's absolutely ridiculous, jamming a thing on as tight as Oh, dear.
You alright, Foggy? Of course I'm alright.
Oh, Lord.
It's blood.
It's just a flesh wound.
A chap gets used to these.
Oh, my God, he's wounded.
It's beetroot.
Wounded by a beetroot.
That's interesting.
Beetroot stains.
Oh, beetroot stains.
Well, how did he get like that? He were opening a jar.
He's very good at opening jars.
Yeah.
It's the army training.
It was a particularly difficult jar.
I mean, ask Clegg.
Oh, bring him in.
It'll have to be washed.
He can borrow one of Howard's.
Six more sausages, Ivy.
Another six? He burnt the last lot.
I didn't burn them.
It was the machine.
Wesley's fixed it now.
Why don't we just buy them already burnt? Stop being so pessimistic.
You keep burning 'em, I'll keep supplying 'em.
Is it very warm in here or is it just this shirt? I feel I'm being strangled by Howard's shirt.
Probably a Japanese shirt getting its own back.
You made it all for me, Howard.
A garden seat.
We can leave it in our favourite spot and then we wouldn't have to stand up all the time.
I've often wondered why we stand up all the time.
It's because we had no seat.
I never thought of that.
Are we going to have to carry it with us every time? No, luv.
We'll leave it in one of our favourite places.
You think of everything, Howard.
Well, nearly.
Quick - behind the bush.
Now, at last he's thought of everything.
There's somebody coming.
Is that why we're behind the bush, Howard? Hiding.
Yes, luv.
See how clever it is.
We can hide in comfort now.
We can just sit here on our bench.
You really know how to spoil a girl, Howard.
Is tha goin' to walk like that all the way? It's Howard's shirt - it's too tight.
Tha looks like a saddle-sore parrot.
Just bring the barbecue.
I'm not going to light it, I warn you.
Oh, stop worrying, man.
Wesley's fixed it.
Not too much gas this time.
Don't just stand there giving the orders.
Thee do it.
I can't bend down in this shirt.
It's too tight.
I'm not lighting it.
If I have to, I shall stand well back and throw matches at it.
Well, you do that then.
Quicker than that, while it's still fizzing.
What we need is a long stick, tie the match on the end.
What we need is a long stick.
Hey up, it's Howard and Marina.
What's tha been doin' behind this bush, Howard? Just demonstrating a bench.
I knew that shirt would lead us to Marina.
OohHoward! How can you eat that thing? I have to keep me strength up for Nora Batty.
I knew that shirt would lead us to Marina.
BBC 1993
I hate it when they rear up like that.
# She's got a message from someone # Wonder who it could be # Someone who cares, she's unawares # Don't tell your granny cos she'll fall downstairs.
# What do you want? I've got a message for thee.
For me? Nora Batty.
Who from? The party wishes to remain anonymous.
What sort of a message? This sort.
Urgh! Any answer? Oh! Go on! Get away with ya! Go on! Good morning, sir.
I wonder if you'd mind answering a few simple questions? I'm sorry - the old killer reflex, you know.
You're perfectly safe now I know your intentions.
Here's a bit of advice.
Never make sudden movements when approaching strangers.
Right? Right, let's hear the questions.
I've lost me place now.
If you see me glance round while we're talking, it isn't that I mean to be rude.
It's just the old instincts checking the area for signs of trouble.
Trouble? Are you expecting trouble? Don't be alarmed.
I'll see you through.
You mentioned questions.
Er, yes.
Are you presently employed or retired? Retired.
And your former occupation? Trained killer.
That's k-i-l-l-e-r.
KNOCK AT DOOR Ah, come in, Howard.
Why are you walking funny, Howard? Who's walking funny? Oh, come off it, Howard.
You think it looks funny.
D'you think Pearl would notice? I think she just might.
What have you got in your pockets? Just a few nails.
A few nails? You never know when they might come in handy.
For Manchester's second airport? Can't a man do a bit of carpentry? I like carpentry.
Does Pearl know? No! I don't want Pearl to know.
You're doing carpentry out of wedlock.
Is that wise, Howard? Can't a man have the urge to do a bit of carpentry? The reason I called in, Cleggy, was I wondered if you had a chainsaw.
A chainsaw? Me? I was never even comfortable with a pencil sharpener.
Have they been? No, I've been lucky this morning.
Just well-behaved, paying customers.
Right, we'll soon put a stop to that.
How's my credit this morning? Non-existent.
Is that bad? I'm afraid so.
Ah, well, tha can't win 'em all.
I got a big, fat kiss this mornin' from Nora Batty - on the lips! # That old black magic # And lived to tell the tale? Only just.
I think that deserves a cup of tea, for sheer nerve.
Tha's a good lass, Ivy.
Give us a kiss.
Don't push your luck! So then G.
H.
Q.
India remembered this little mountain tribe in the vastness of Burma.
Wonderful little warrior race they were, only little fellas.
The question was, could they be welded into a fighting force to take on the Japanese? And if so, who was the man who could do it? I really must be going.
So Secret signals went out calling me back from behind enemy lines.
I was furious.
I said to them, "I'm in the business of killing Japs".
"We need you, Dewhirst", they said.
Listen, I "We need you to win the trust of these people.
" I should have interviewed They used to worship me.
They wanted me to stay, but I said, "The war is over.
No more kill Japanese.
" "Okay", they said, "we'll kill somebody else.
" I WAS tempted for a minute.
There I was with this wonderful fighting machine at my command.
I must confess there was a moment when I, wellthere I was toying with the idea of invading the Dutch East Indies.
I And don't spill it.
Spill it? Me? A man who used to carry nitroglycerine through enemy lines - at night.
Don't spill it.
Oh, tha's got a bun.
That's very observant.
Yes, I've got a bun.
I couldn't afford a bun.
That doesn't surprise me.
Cleggy hasn't got a bun, either.
I had a good breakfast.
That just leaves me - without a good breakfast and without a bun.
Oh, that is sad.
I find that very sad.
Do you want a bun? Norman.
Tha's a mate, Norm.
You spoil him.
One bun? A bun today, a bun tomorrow.
Will you fill that with tea for me, Ivy? What's the matter with your leg? What leg? I don't know what you mean.
Where's tha goin' with that flask, Howard? Just to do some carpentry.
Answer the lady's question.
What's wrong with your leg? Don't keep asking that.
There's nothing wrong with me leg.
HOLLOW KNOCKING It's just a bit of wood.
If you're a carpenter, you need bits of wood.
Down your trousers? It's Pearl.
I have to sneak it past Pearl.
She asks too many questions.
Who's paying for the flask of tea? And the bun.
I'm supposed to pay for your bun? It could stop us askin' all sorts of questions.
Make it two buns.
Why are we coming this way? What does it matter? It matters to me.
This is Auntie Wainwright's street.
It's not her street.
She merely happens to have a shop in it.
I'm not going near it.
Can we cross the road, please? Don't be ridiculous.
We're only passing it, not going inside.
Will you shut up and let me think? I've got to raise some money.
I can't go through life not being able to afford a bun.
Why change the habit of a lifetime? Some people would give an old lady a hand.
She's right.
Get hold of it.
Eh? That's enough.
Get hold of it.
And you, Clegg, come on.
It's a trap.
It's a trap.
Get hold of it.
Go on.
No, no.
Not that way.
Inside.
I want it inside.
Well, you heard the lady.
Take it inside.
But she was coming out.
Surely it's a woman's privilege to change her mind.
Right, where do you want it? Oh, just drop it down there.
Near the door.
I might need it again.
Put it down gently.
Gently! Hey up, Mildred.
This thing's heavy.
Oh.
Is it locked? Sometimes it does that.
Never mind.
You can have a look round while you're here while I get the door open.
Hello, Pearl.
Nora.
We're all sorry to hear about your Howard's leg.
What about my Howard's leg? Everybody said how bad it looks.
How come everyone's so familiar with my Howard's leg? Don't tell me.
There's a rumour he's got a wooden leg.
A wooden leg? My Howard? So they say.
Well, it's news to me.
I would've noticed.
Not lately, but there WAS a time.
I knew it was a trap.
Nothing to it.
Keep tha hands in tha pockets.
I try! You only get away with it because you have this reputation for being always broke.
It's important to a man - his reputation.
A portable barbecue.
What do I need with a portable barbecue? Well, at least I bought something useful.
Hey up, it's Nelson! Penelope Nelson.
It's amazing what a difference it makes.
Yeah, we noticed that.
Not only a Jessie, but a Jessie with a telescope.
What am I gonna do with a portable barbecue? Hot dogs! We'll have a sizzle up.
I'll be able to use this for the stars at night.
You probably won't see anything for the smoke from my barbecue.
Oh, hello, sailor.
Big order comin' up, lass.
We're on our way for a barbecue.
With a telescope? Where to? Oh, just into the hills.
Courtesy of the barbecue man here.
I'm not.
I'll not be known as the barbecue man.
It's unnatural for somebody who failed his electric toaster.
He bought a portable barbecue.
I didn't.
I was SOLD a portable barbecue.
We would like to purchase some sausages and bread rolls.
How many? 23.
We can't eat 23.
Perhaps not - it's going a bit mad.
22.
Half a dozen, Ivy.
Oh, it's a portable slimming barbecue, eh? It's never gonna work.
It's too complicated.
What's complicated about a barbecue? Oh, I bet I find something.
Barbecue? They're the wrong age for barbecues.
And for suddenly getting wooden legs.
Foggy Dewhirst is taking his telescope with him.
A telescope to a barbecue? What's he expecting - pirates? My Barry's pleased with his bifocals.
Nobody's interested in your husband's muscles.
How long's he been weight-lifting? He needn't come here with his bulging muscles.
His glasses, mother! Hands up anyone who's heard that my husband's got a wooden leg.
The wife's always the last to know.
I'd know if my Barry had a wooden leg.
Do you mind? You think you've kept your eye on everything.
Remember Mrs Spender? Her husband had a wooden leg.
In Hickleton Street.
Her daughter married an Armitage.
Went to live in Bridlington.
Was it a white wedding? They wouldn't be in morning dress with a wooden leg.
Only ONE had a wooden leg.
A wooden head.
Now, I could believe he's got a wooden head.
And now what? Well, you just light it.
Hurry up, I'm starving.
You keep saying that.
That's because I'm starving.
Where do you light it? Oh, for goodness sake.
Anybody fancy a pub lunch? A barbecue? You bring me a barbecue! I'm a Formula One person.
I'm into brake horsepower and torque and cornering forces.
Tha drives an old Landrover.
To you it might look like that.
To me she's a Ferrari in overalls.
Get off.
Well, you've got to do something with this, Wesley.
We've just lost six hot dogs.
Four.
He ate his two.
Aye.
They were horrible.
What do you expect me to do? It wants damping down a little.
It consumes things too fiercely.
Who does that description remind you of? I were hungry.
How could you tell the difference between the charcoal and the hot dog? The charcoal tasted better.
HAMMERING Oh, Wesley'll fix it.
He can't resist a mechanical challenge.
That reminds me, I must try and open that jar of pickled beetroot.
I like beetroot.
You like anything edible.
And one or two other things.
It's a lid you have to push up with your thumbs.
You know it's gonna splash red vinegar all over the tablecloth.
Who do we know with a wooden leg? HOWARD.
Long John Howard.
What exactly is Howard up to? Illicit carpentry.
A bit of extra-marital joinery.
Where? I've no idea.
SLURPS Where's your jar of beetroot? Why? Well, I'll open it for you.
Oh, are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
It's a very simple operation.
That's what they said to me Auntie Phyllis.
She woke up with only one leg.
Would you mind doing it over the sink in case it spills? There's no reason why it should spill if it's opened carefully.
Still, I'll do it over the sink.
Tha should've never let him loose with a jar of beetroot.
It's alright if he's over the sink.
What does tha reckon Howard's building? Oh, some stairway to paradise for him and Marina.
Maybe it's a birthday pressie.
Like a bungalow.
Good grief! Who jammed this on like this? BANGING Very nimble with our fingers.
It's the army training.
I'll open this damn thing if it kills me.
It's absolutely ridiculous, jamming a thing on as tight as Oh, dear.
You alright, Foggy? Of course I'm alright.
Oh, Lord.
It's blood.
It's just a flesh wound.
A chap gets used to these.
Oh, my God, he's wounded.
It's beetroot.
Wounded by a beetroot.
That's interesting.
Beetroot stains.
Oh, beetroot stains.
Well, how did he get like that? He were opening a jar.
He's very good at opening jars.
Yeah.
It's the army training.
It was a particularly difficult jar.
I mean, ask Clegg.
Oh, bring him in.
It'll have to be washed.
He can borrow one of Howard's.
Six more sausages, Ivy.
Another six? He burnt the last lot.
I didn't burn them.
It was the machine.
Wesley's fixed it now.
Why don't we just buy them already burnt? Stop being so pessimistic.
You keep burning 'em, I'll keep supplying 'em.
Is it very warm in here or is it just this shirt? I feel I'm being strangled by Howard's shirt.
Probably a Japanese shirt getting its own back.
You made it all for me, Howard.
A garden seat.
We can leave it in our favourite spot and then we wouldn't have to stand up all the time.
I've often wondered why we stand up all the time.
It's because we had no seat.
I never thought of that.
Are we going to have to carry it with us every time? No, luv.
We'll leave it in one of our favourite places.
You think of everything, Howard.
Well, nearly.
Quick - behind the bush.
Now, at last he's thought of everything.
There's somebody coming.
Is that why we're behind the bush, Howard? Hiding.
Yes, luv.
See how clever it is.
We can hide in comfort now.
We can just sit here on our bench.
You really know how to spoil a girl, Howard.
Is tha goin' to walk like that all the way? It's Howard's shirt - it's too tight.
Tha looks like a saddle-sore parrot.
Just bring the barbecue.
I'm not going to light it, I warn you.
Oh, stop worrying, man.
Wesley's fixed it.
Not too much gas this time.
Don't just stand there giving the orders.
Thee do it.
I can't bend down in this shirt.
It's too tight.
I'm not lighting it.
If I have to, I shall stand well back and throw matches at it.
Well, you do that then.
Quicker than that, while it's still fizzing.
What we need is a long stick, tie the match on the end.
What we need is a long stick.
Hey up, it's Howard and Marina.
What's tha been doin' behind this bush, Howard? Just demonstrating a bench.
I knew that shirt would lead us to Marina.
OohHoward! How can you eat that thing? I have to keep me strength up for Nora Batty.
I knew that shirt would lead us to Marina.
BBC 1993