Lazor Wulf (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

Prolly for the Best

1 La, la, la La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da Da da da da da da Heyyyyyy [Seagulls crying] I work two jobs, Goddamn it.
I'm taking two [bshh] breaks right the [bshh] now.
More at 5:00.
Seems like the news just doesn't care anymore.
Not even a little bit, my dude.
Look, guys I've learned to moonwalk.
Ooh! Ah! Eeh! Shamone! Mm-mm-mm! I don't know what the hell you're doing, but that is not a moonwalk.
Stupid Horse, if you don't get your musty ass out of the way Oh! Ah! Ooh! Also, Lazor Wulf got something way cooler than some old-ass moonwalking.
And the shit is infectious, too.
[Dial-up Internet connecting] We call it the "Gillie-Wet-Foot"! Whoa.
That looks almost as weird as that one time that ghost haunted my armpit.
Ahh! [Chuckles] Look, my armpit is haunted, y'alls.
Stupid Horse, none of that has ever happened! Yet.
Anyway, I woke up like this and figured, "Lazor Wulf, you got something here.
" I mean it's different.
You should put it on your NoiseBubble.
Already done.
It's actually doing better than my usual stuff.
Folks seem to dig it.
Now, be quiet a commercial's on.
We now have corn and pizza rolls.
For an unlimited amount of time only.
Come get some and bring money with you this time.
Don't come to my store without no money.
I'm not playing with y'all no more! [Cough!] What are we doing here right now? We should be at Esther's eating corn and pizza rolls! You guys! I can do it, too! Now, I'm okay with this.
[Dial-up Internet connecting] This is truly infectious.
And make sure that you notate how many times I say the word "infectious.
" Ha! The whole world gonna get that Gillie-Wet-Foot! [Dial-up Internet connecting] What is this mess? It's "Gillie-Wet-Foot.
" Gillie-Wet-Who? What the hell is that? - Lazor Wulf.
- Where? He better not be in my [bshh] home! Bro, chill.
"Gillie-Wet-Foot" is Lazor Wulf's new song.
Lazor Wulf makes music?! When? Since yesterday, man.
He just dropped this one.
It's called "Gillie-Wet-Foot.
" See? Bro, you got hella followers, bro.
And he just dropped a video.
[Dial-up Internet connecting] That's my new sickness! Goddamn it, Wallace, how did he get my new disease? [Bshh] if I know.
[Snoring] [Chime!] My sickness leaks, and of all the creatures in the world, it chose to infect Lazor Wulf! Oh, I'm sorry.
Gippie-Wet-[Bshh].
I mean, keeping it bam, bro.
He made a hit.
It's not supposed to be a hit, Wallace.
It's supposed to be a [bshh] disease! Look, it was an honest mistake that I didn't make.
So let's not dwell on the past, man.
Shut up, Wallace.
We have to get ahead of this.
I can't let him take credit for what is mine.
Do we, though? In a way, it's probably better that he caught the sickness, anyway.
What?! Why?! Right, 'cause honestly, if you would've dropped that [bshh] I guarantee it would've been a thud.
Remember when you dropped "Mugglebutt"? [Clarinet plays] A thud.
Welcome to "Jamming with Jamantha.
" I'm your host, Jamantha Carthwright.
Today's panel we have Let me talk, damn it! I'm here to talk about my new disease that's going to be launching soon.
You're releasing a "new" disease? - Is it "Mugglebutt" again? - Hell no.
"Mugglebutt" was a misstep.
Don't mention it again.
If I may ask, why are you so angry? I'm not angry.
I'm chill.
Remember Bike Week for a day? Well, you're here to promote a disease.
That seems angry to me.
So angry.
I don't have to deal with this shit.
All right, I've had enough of this! Wallace, man the camera.
Tss.
Let me tell y'all something.
There comes a time when you bozos Yo.
need to be reminded who the hell I am.
When that time comes, I drop a new sickness to give you a nice reminder.
Bro.
And let me make this clear.
This ain't no "Mugglebutt.
" [Whistles] This disease is gonna shake your foundation and shatter your soul.
When this is officially released no one will be talking about "Gillie-Wet-Foot.
" Thud.
Shut up, Wallace! Hear me, Strongburg! This will have the streets crazy.
[Cellphone rings] [Cellphone beeps, indistinct chatter over phone] [Cellphone beeps] So I just got a call from The Streets.
It said it'd appreciate you not speaking for it, 'cause it don't know you, breh.
- Thanks.
- The Streets said that? Can I get y'alls order? I want corn and pizza rolls right the [bshh] now.
I need corn and pizza rolls right the [bshh] now! Anything else? Can I get a cup of tea with lemon, please? - I want a bowl of soda, and a - Lazor? Whatchu want, baby? I think I'll have some of this.
[Dial-up Internet connecting] So infectious.
Seriously.
Is it not? [Dial-up Internet connecting] Hey, Lazor Wulf, also known as Gillie-Wet-Foot, you definitely got the juice.
That's 'cause Lazor Wulf, also known as Gillie-Wet-Foot, brings the party with him.
This is cool and all, but where in tarnations are my corn and pizza rolls?! [Beeping] [Rapid beeping] [Buzzer] [Cheers and applause] From 4 to over 400 million followers on NoiseBubble, in what feels like overnight Tell us how.
I've always said, "With great power comes great responsibility.
" So I took this power and gave y'all this art.
You definitely just said a group of words.
Would you mind giving us a performance? Where is the damn corn and pizza rolls?! Hey, bring me a plate of corn and pizza rolls right the [bshh] now! Gotta show them that you not with the games, my dude.
[Telephone rings] Oh, we have a word from The Streets calling from the streets.
It says, "It [bshh] with you heavy, and you're the only one that understands it.
And you're not a cornball like God.
" He is a cornball.
Well, I appreciate the love.
If we have more time to talk, we should speak about how we should rebrand coffee as Angry Mud.
Where's the camera? It's my disease! Not his! It's mine! Can you bring it down? You're hurting my ears.
They're very important to my process, and that's the same process that allowed me to create "Gillie-Wet-Foot.
" [Dial-up Internet connecting] Oh, did you? Wallace, hand him the papers.
What up, Wallace? How's deadworld? Bro, man.
It's it's terrible as always, man.
You know God's straight tripping, Canny.
I gotta give you this, though.
Sorry, guys.
You're suing Lazor Wulf on the grounds that this is your intellectual property? I never see any of this coming.
Damn! I'm sorry, bro.
That's some lame-ass [bshh], God.
I want what's mine.
You always gotta take things an extra level.
What is all this? A jury of my only peer Judge Judy.
Welcome to court, you bitches.
That's mean.
You shouldn't call anyone a B-I-itch.
Boy! Fair enough.
Let's court.
Tell me what's wrong, lil' fella.
Well, he stole from me! I created that disease, and he stole my property and turned it into a song and dance! Who does that?! It's my intellectual property, and I want it back! Disease? Intellectual property? Now calling Dumb Horse to the stand.
Wait, what? I'm acting as your main homey, character witness, and possibility lawyer? I don't know.
We'll see.
Stupid Horse, wait a minute.
- I have something to say.
- Huh? He just mad 'cause I took his sickness and made it better.
But I'm done with it.
You can have it back now.
Lazor Wulf! [Clears throat] [Deep voice] Lazor Wulf.
Noooooooo-o-o-o-o-o-o.
It's okay.
The angry man don't know what he doing with it.
That just gonna thud, just like "Mugglebutt.
" - [Bshh] you, Lazor Wulf! - No [bshh] you.
- No [bshh] you! - You know what? I have something I'd actually really like to share with you.
- What? - [Bshh] you.
[gavel bangs] Get to the point, dickhead.
There's no point, man.
He can have it.
Come on, guys, let's go home.
Fine by me.
By the power vested in me by the almighty God and Kang World Syndication, I declare God the winner and ne-e-e-w Heavyweight Champion of the Wo-o-o-rld! This is bigger than the New Jersey Booty Flu and Esther's corn and pizza rolls combined.
How's my hairline? [Bird screeches] It looks smashing.
How can people eat this? It's such a bad combination.
Well? God is still undefeated.
[Laughs] Finally, the public will be able to receive the real sickness.
- Not this - Yo, yo.
Check this out.
You might want to hold on.
[Dial-up Internet connecting] OhmyGo-o-o-d.
[Cellphone rings] Yo, bro.
The Streets just hit me back with a message, man.
What it say? "Hi dee ho, God, it's The Streets.
Your pandemic is extremely buns, good sir.
This [bshh] will only be hot in Milwaukee.
Never mention me or my family ever again, or we're [bshh] your [bshh] up.
Thanks! The Streets.
" Pull the sickness, Wallace.
I'm going to bed.
Another thud.
That was a strange 11 minutes, huh? Too many things happened.
Way too much.
You were right, though.
God is such a cornball.
[Thunder crashes] Aah! Sorry, great homey in the sky! Whatever.
I'm going to bed.
But before I go, you should check this out.
My spinna! That's so dope! Yo, it's equally as infectious as the "Gillie-Wet-Foot.
" Ah, so dope! How'd he do that? He has to teach me.
Aah! My ankies!