Lazor Wulf (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Keep It Moving
1 La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da Da da da da da da Heyyyyyy Lazor Wulf: As a fan from day one, this is truly upsetting.
$3.
50?! That's all you're charging for a VHS of "Action Jackson"? That man a legend! - The last copy.
- Really? Hey, Yeti, can you spot me? [Insects buzzing.]
- Canon Wulf? - Sorry, bro.
I spent all my money at Laronjello's Lotion Emporium.
- You know I don't [bshh.]
with seasonal dryness.
- Stupid Horse: Lazor Wulf! [Sighs.]
What's up, Stupid Horse? It's me Stupid Horse! - I know it's you, Stupid Horse.
- Guess what? The Romper Store is going out of business, - and they're off - Hey, remember that $3.
50 I told you I was gonna ask for? - I need you to pay it.
- Okay, sure.
Wait a minute when was that? One of these days, I'm gonna ask you to borrow $3.
50 for a VHS copy of "Action Jackson.
" Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Just eat the steak! Oh, yeah! I don't remember that.
Ooh, Florence! Hey, girl.
- Yaz! - Hey, boy! Oh, I hope she lets me join her power walking crew some day.
Sorry, I'm gonna have to refuse you hanging out with our stepmom.
You guys know Florence? 18-time Power Walking Champion Florence?! I don't have time for this.
[Shutters.]
Wait! That's an Aretha Franklin.
Keep the change.
Just gimme the tape.
Oh, sorry.
That little girl just stole it, and it was the last copy.
Hey! That's Lazor Wulf's VHS.
And also, stealing is wrong! [Whistles.]
Oh.
Okay, thanks.
Get back here! Well, I guess that's that.
Let's go home.
Damn, son.
You gonna give up that fast? Is that what Action Jackson would do? I don't know.
I haven't even seen the movie yet.
Me, neither.
So maybe we need to find the tape so we can be more like Action Jackson.
Or maybe we need to be more like Action Jackson so we can find that tape.
Exactly.
Oh! Did you guys see that? Guys? Aw, man.
They left me at the mall again? They always leave me at the mall.
And at the airport.
And at the hospital.
And at the Coolio concert.
- And at - Phil Jackson: Hey, Stupid Horse.
That's the name, don't wear it - Huh? - Down here.
Oh, I love what you did back there.
I'm Phil Jackson of the National Power Walking Association.
Well, this card says you're in transportation and dumping.
This also says "transportation and dumping.
" Wow! Phil Jackson of the National Power Walking Association! Hooh! That's that's really cool.
I've been scouting all over town, and I know talent when I see it.
You're a natural.
You got the speed, the form, and the horse-sized stomach good enough for smuggling.
I can make you a star, Stupid Horse.
How can I say no to a man with three business cards? Wait a minute.
How'd you know my name? Honestly, I guessed.
I mean, you are a horse.
And you look stupid.
[Squeak!.]
Mmm! Peach bellini.
Shit's divine.
Okay.
Here's what we have so far on the list of things that Action Jackson would do.
Number one put on a tux.
[Bell dings.]
Number two break glass.
[Glass breaks.]
Number three throw a tea party.
Yeah, this is fun and all, but is this really getting us closer to the tape? Couldn't tell you.
[Slurping.]
This is where your training begins.
Stupid Horse: Hoh! This is amaze-balls.
- Are you ready? - Uh, uh, yeah! Hey, while you're walking, swallow this solid gold thermometer.
Uh, what? What does that have to do with power walking? Stupid Horse, I need you to forget everything you know about power walking.
My method is unorthodox, and it kind of resembles smuggling, but it's not! Did you say "snuggling"? Nuh, uh, all right, uh, you're hugging me.
- Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in, okay.
- No, I did not.
Mm.
This is good stuff.
Okay.
Uh, this is kind of nice.
[Timer beeping.]
Whoa! You got a Fabrige Egg and a Tedi Ruchspin doll and a bird? Stupid Horse, if you swallow these items, walk them to places they don't belong, and poop them out for money, I guarantee you you will become a power walking champion in no time.
Okay, I'm in! But I don't really know how I'm gonna swallow all these things.
Oh, no worries.
I know a swallower when I see one, and you got a swallower.
I'm pretty sure peanut butter makes everything edible.
[Swallows.]
Mmm, peanut butter.
See that garbage can? That's your first target, kid.
- Ready? - Uh, y-yes? - Set - Wait! One question.
What if I don't have to, you know, go? Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Trust me.
You swallow all of this, and you will go.
Go! Come on, Stupid Horse.
You got this.
Don't blow it.
I had to go! I had to go! Oh, yes, you did.
You did go.
[Cash register dings.]
[Bird screeches.]
[Siren wails.]
- Do you see the tape? - Nah.
[Siren wails.]
- How about now? - Nothing.
Man! I was sure that would work the second time.
Also cross off "become a Woop-Woop officer" and "coin a catch phrase.
" Do you like your cheese cold? [Laughter.]
Stupid Horse: Hey! Lazor Wulf! Stupid Horse, what the hell is wrong with you? Well, first things first I have hooves.
Don't really like 'em.
Not that great.
Uh, the weather's kind of muggy today, and Oh, this? I'm in training.
I'm gonna be a champion power walker thanks to Phil Jackson and his Swallow & Fart Method.
Look! [Farts.]
Oh, my God! Velvet Sugar? Yo, this shit was discontinued.
Yo, don't quote me on this, but this sounds like smuggling to me.
Yeah, definitely the sounds of smuggling.
Yo! Phil Jackson's playing you like Koo-Coach.
No way! I finally found something that I'm good at! - And - That's great and all, Stupid Horse, but I have to go "get framed for murder" so I can find the VHS tape.
[Whinnies.]
They'll see.
Once my training is complete, they'll all see.
But first, I gotta walk all these glass bottles to the beach.
Ooh! [Moaning.]
[Slurping.]
Ahh! I don't get it.
We've gone through this entire made-up list, and still no VHS.
This is the most energy I've spent in anything in my entire life.
What's up, boys? 'Sup, Florence? Where's that dumbass horse friend of yours? He was supposed to join my power walking crew today.
You mean Stupid Horse? He got caught up in some smuggling operation with Phil Jackson.
[Gasps.]
Did you say Phil Jackson?! Ooh, Phil! Mm! He used to be one of the best walkers in the National Power Walking Association, baby! He was on his way to being a legend.
Walking got too easy for him.
He got bored and started to use them little foots for evil.
Yo, he was kicked out of the NPWA, and now he lurks around The Mall, poaching walkers for his underground smuggling operation.
Damn.
Who knew power walking was so wild? That horse is in trouble.
Once Phil Jackson gets his hands on you, hmph, there ain't no coming back.
Baby, I have already risked my power walking reputation just talking about it.
Come on, gang.
I got it! What you got? If it's one thing I know about "Action Jackson," it's that he's not just about fistfights and pyrotechnics.
He's about doing what's right.
Right? - I don't know.
- Not a clue.
- I have to save Stupid Horse.
- You sure? [Cellphone rings.]
Ah! Oh, hey, Phil Jackson.
- Hello, Stupid Horse.
- Check out my new track suit.
I thought I told you to stay away from your old friends.
- Wha? - I'm gonna use this for evil! [Chuckles.]
Wait a minute.
How did you know I was with my friends? Why are you working with The Youth? And why does this track Owwweeee.
It's amazing that you haven't caught on by now.
Well, actually, it's not 'cause you're stupid.
I didn't really try very hard to keep this up.
- I'm a smuggler.
- What?! Oh, wait that actually makes sense.
And you've been helping me move it.
No! Now, swallow all of this! No! [Muffled.]
My mouth is sealed.
Stupid peanut butter.
Not even that good.
What have you gotten your stupid self into? [Siren wails.]
- Lazor Wulf? - I'm here to save you.
If there are two things out of three things that Phil Jackson can't tolerate, it's betrayal and shenanigans.
- Time to run.
- No, Lazor Wulf! [Deep voice.]
Let's walk.
Oh-ho! Oh, you think you can out-walk me? Huh? Huh? Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? Ho, ho, ho, ho! Do you know? Huh? I'm Phil Jackson, bitch, the power walking champ of the universe! Damn.
He's pretty good.
Mm-hmm! I told ya! [Normal voice.]
Uh, I I think we're losing him.
Stupid Horse: Aah! [Laughs evilly.]
You never were a good power walker anyway.
No.
But I am good at snuggling.
[Deep voice.]
And smuggling.
World Star! Ha ha! Did y'all just see homey straight up eat Phil Jackson? [Normal voice.]
Oh! Almost forgot! I found the tape ha ha-ha-ha - Bow! I found your tape.
- That come out your butt? The best smuggling butt in town!
$3.
50?! That's all you're charging for a VHS of "Action Jackson"? That man a legend! - The last copy.
- Really? Hey, Yeti, can you spot me? [Insects buzzing.]
- Canon Wulf? - Sorry, bro.
I spent all my money at Laronjello's Lotion Emporium.
- You know I don't [bshh.]
with seasonal dryness.
- Stupid Horse: Lazor Wulf! [Sighs.]
What's up, Stupid Horse? It's me Stupid Horse! - I know it's you, Stupid Horse.
- Guess what? The Romper Store is going out of business, - and they're off - Hey, remember that $3.
50 I told you I was gonna ask for? - I need you to pay it.
- Okay, sure.
Wait a minute when was that? One of these days, I'm gonna ask you to borrow $3.
50 for a VHS copy of "Action Jackson.
" Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Just eat the steak! Oh, yeah! I don't remember that.
Ooh, Florence! Hey, girl.
- Yaz! - Hey, boy! Oh, I hope she lets me join her power walking crew some day.
Sorry, I'm gonna have to refuse you hanging out with our stepmom.
You guys know Florence? 18-time Power Walking Champion Florence?! I don't have time for this.
[Shutters.]
Wait! That's an Aretha Franklin.
Keep the change.
Just gimme the tape.
Oh, sorry.
That little girl just stole it, and it was the last copy.
Hey! That's Lazor Wulf's VHS.
And also, stealing is wrong! [Whistles.]
Oh.
Okay, thanks.
Get back here! Well, I guess that's that.
Let's go home.
Damn, son.
You gonna give up that fast? Is that what Action Jackson would do? I don't know.
I haven't even seen the movie yet.
Me, neither.
So maybe we need to find the tape so we can be more like Action Jackson.
Or maybe we need to be more like Action Jackson so we can find that tape.
Exactly.
Oh! Did you guys see that? Guys? Aw, man.
They left me at the mall again? They always leave me at the mall.
And at the airport.
And at the hospital.
And at the Coolio concert.
- And at - Phil Jackson: Hey, Stupid Horse.
That's the name, don't wear it - Huh? - Down here.
Oh, I love what you did back there.
I'm Phil Jackson of the National Power Walking Association.
Well, this card says you're in transportation and dumping.
This also says "transportation and dumping.
" Wow! Phil Jackson of the National Power Walking Association! Hooh! That's that's really cool.
I've been scouting all over town, and I know talent when I see it.
You're a natural.
You got the speed, the form, and the horse-sized stomach good enough for smuggling.
I can make you a star, Stupid Horse.
How can I say no to a man with three business cards? Wait a minute.
How'd you know my name? Honestly, I guessed.
I mean, you are a horse.
And you look stupid.
[Squeak!.]
Mmm! Peach bellini.
Shit's divine.
Okay.
Here's what we have so far on the list of things that Action Jackson would do.
Number one put on a tux.
[Bell dings.]
Number two break glass.
[Glass breaks.]
Number three throw a tea party.
Yeah, this is fun and all, but is this really getting us closer to the tape? Couldn't tell you.
[Slurping.]
This is where your training begins.
Stupid Horse: Hoh! This is amaze-balls.
- Are you ready? - Uh, uh, yeah! Hey, while you're walking, swallow this solid gold thermometer.
Uh, what? What does that have to do with power walking? Stupid Horse, I need you to forget everything you know about power walking.
My method is unorthodox, and it kind of resembles smuggling, but it's not! Did you say "snuggling"? Nuh, uh, all right, uh, you're hugging me.
- Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in, okay.
- No, I did not.
Mm.
This is good stuff.
Okay.
Uh, this is kind of nice.
[Timer beeping.]
Whoa! You got a Fabrige Egg and a Tedi Ruchspin doll and a bird? Stupid Horse, if you swallow these items, walk them to places they don't belong, and poop them out for money, I guarantee you you will become a power walking champion in no time.
Okay, I'm in! But I don't really know how I'm gonna swallow all these things.
Oh, no worries.
I know a swallower when I see one, and you got a swallower.
I'm pretty sure peanut butter makes everything edible.
[Swallows.]
Mmm, peanut butter.
See that garbage can? That's your first target, kid.
- Ready? - Uh, y-yes? - Set - Wait! One question.
What if I don't have to, you know, go? Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Trust me.
You swallow all of this, and you will go.
Go! Come on, Stupid Horse.
You got this.
Don't blow it.
I had to go! I had to go! Oh, yes, you did.
You did go.
[Cash register dings.]
[Bird screeches.]
[Siren wails.]
- Do you see the tape? - Nah.
[Siren wails.]
- How about now? - Nothing.
Man! I was sure that would work the second time.
Also cross off "become a Woop-Woop officer" and "coin a catch phrase.
" Do you like your cheese cold? [Laughter.]
Stupid Horse: Hey! Lazor Wulf! Stupid Horse, what the hell is wrong with you? Well, first things first I have hooves.
Don't really like 'em.
Not that great.
Uh, the weather's kind of muggy today, and Oh, this? I'm in training.
I'm gonna be a champion power walker thanks to Phil Jackson and his Swallow & Fart Method.
Look! [Farts.]
Oh, my God! Velvet Sugar? Yo, this shit was discontinued.
Yo, don't quote me on this, but this sounds like smuggling to me.
Yeah, definitely the sounds of smuggling.
Yo! Phil Jackson's playing you like Koo-Coach.
No way! I finally found something that I'm good at! - And - That's great and all, Stupid Horse, but I have to go "get framed for murder" so I can find the VHS tape.
[Whinnies.]
They'll see.
Once my training is complete, they'll all see.
But first, I gotta walk all these glass bottles to the beach.
Ooh! [Moaning.]
[Slurping.]
Ahh! I don't get it.
We've gone through this entire made-up list, and still no VHS.
This is the most energy I've spent in anything in my entire life.
What's up, boys? 'Sup, Florence? Where's that dumbass horse friend of yours? He was supposed to join my power walking crew today.
You mean Stupid Horse? He got caught up in some smuggling operation with Phil Jackson.
[Gasps.]
Did you say Phil Jackson?! Ooh, Phil! Mm! He used to be one of the best walkers in the National Power Walking Association, baby! He was on his way to being a legend.
Walking got too easy for him.
He got bored and started to use them little foots for evil.
Yo, he was kicked out of the NPWA, and now he lurks around The Mall, poaching walkers for his underground smuggling operation.
Damn.
Who knew power walking was so wild? That horse is in trouble.
Once Phil Jackson gets his hands on you, hmph, there ain't no coming back.
Baby, I have already risked my power walking reputation just talking about it.
Come on, gang.
I got it! What you got? If it's one thing I know about "Action Jackson," it's that he's not just about fistfights and pyrotechnics.
He's about doing what's right.
Right? - I don't know.
- Not a clue.
- I have to save Stupid Horse.
- You sure? [Cellphone rings.]
Ah! Oh, hey, Phil Jackson.
- Hello, Stupid Horse.
- Check out my new track suit.
I thought I told you to stay away from your old friends.
- Wha? - I'm gonna use this for evil! [Chuckles.]
Wait a minute.
How did you know I was with my friends? Why are you working with The Youth? And why does this track Owwweeee.
It's amazing that you haven't caught on by now.
Well, actually, it's not 'cause you're stupid.
I didn't really try very hard to keep this up.
- I'm a smuggler.
- What?! Oh, wait that actually makes sense.
And you've been helping me move it.
No! Now, swallow all of this! No! [Muffled.]
My mouth is sealed.
Stupid peanut butter.
Not even that good.
What have you gotten your stupid self into? [Siren wails.]
- Lazor Wulf? - I'm here to save you.
If there are two things out of three things that Phil Jackson can't tolerate, it's betrayal and shenanigans.
- Time to run.
- No, Lazor Wulf! [Deep voice.]
Let's walk.
Oh-ho! Oh, you think you can out-walk me? Huh? Huh? Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? Ho, ho, ho, ho! Do you know? Huh? I'm Phil Jackson, bitch, the power walking champ of the universe! Damn.
He's pretty good.
Mm-hmm! I told ya! [Normal voice.]
Uh, I I think we're losing him.
Stupid Horse: Aah! [Laughs evilly.]
You never were a good power walker anyway.
No.
But I am good at snuggling.
[Deep voice.]
And smuggling.
World Star! Ha ha! Did y'all just see homey straight up eat Phil Jackson? [Normal voice.]
Oh! Almost forgot! I found the tape ha ha-ha-ha - Bow! I found your tape.
- That come out your butt? The best smuggling butt in town!