Legit (2013) s01e02 Episode Script


Find me in sunny Californ-i-a blowing on this like every day if you're looking for me, you know where I'll be in Californ-i-a east side, west side, throw your head up north side, south side Throw your head up if you're looking for me you know where I'll be in Californ-i-a Thanks, guys.
That was great.
A dream come true.
It's our pleasure, man.
No worries, man.
Paging Dr.
They can't be here right now, Billy.
Eat shit, Ramona.
And you, my friend, are very late.
Come on.
Let's let Ramona get you in bed.
Do we have to? Yes.
Bye, girl.
Bye! What? That's the end of every Lassie movie.
Lassie's always climbing the crest of a mountain, looks back at Timmy, Timmy has tears in his eyes, and Lassie looks back as if to say, "Don't worry about me, Timmy.
"I'm okay.
"I'm off for other noble-hearted adventures.
" You smell like beer, Billy.
Yeah, but Billy's not okay.
There's no more adventures.
Hi, Steve! Hey, Rodney.
Who's that little creepy guy? It's Rodney.
Billy's roommate.
What, are you kidding? Loves umpires and twinkies? That's a nice dog.
Oh, shit.
I forgot my phone.
I hate when that happens.
Yeah, I know.
Do you want mine? No.
I can just I can give you my phone.
That's okay.
Do you want money? I'd love to give you money.
It's okay.
But, um, could you do me a favor? Yeah, no, I'll do anything for you.
Watch my dog while I run and get it? I'm just I'm right across the street.
So you live there? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Geez, that must be nice.
You get to watch her have sex all the time.
You got any disabled friends? What am I talking about? If you get disabled, they kill you.
I got one-- Billy.
He has this shitty life in this shitty place they call a rest home, and he doesn't look very rested to me.
Hey! Don't lick your balls.
Don't What am I saying? Lick your balls! Enjoy it while you can! Live life.
Billy can't even wank.
He deserves more, you know? Steve says we can't take care of him, we're not responsible enough, that it's too hard a job, but I could do this.
I'm responsible.
I could take care of Billy for 12 damn hours one night.
* Further corrections by TVnut * Jim.
Jim! You missed the theater.
Steve, you know how all those old Lassie movies always had a happy ending? I suppose.
I'm gonna give one to Billy.
What, you're gonna jerk him off? Good for you, Steve.
Good for you.
Very clever.
No, I'm gonna break him out of the home.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Just one more night, Steve.
Just one more night.
We can't do this, Jim.
Yes, we can, Steve.
We're on a mission from God.
I thought you were an atheist.
That's a "Blues Brothers" reference, Steve.
"The Blues Brothers.
" Okay, come on.
When do we bring him back? Okay, Steve, I haven't thought this all the way through, but this is the right thing to do.
Well, then, we're in good shape, Steve, at least you can have a wank and think that a man's touching you.
Billy can't even do that.
Very funny.
I can get laid, for your information.
It has been three years, Steve.
I have divorce-induced erectile dysfunction.
Did a doctor diagnose you? No, I googled it.
Get in the closet.
You're probably wondering about my boner.
I was thinking that they're gonna notice that he's missing.
Oh, God.
You do have a boner.
You act like we're not friends.
But it's okay.
What we'll do is we'll just put pillows in the bed, because Billy can't move, right? He has this condition called M.
Yeah, I know.
You googled it.
Hey, buddy.
Oh, man! What the hell are you guys doing here? We're breaking you out of Cuckoo's Nest.
No way.
Look at that smile.
Ramona! Ramona! Shut the hell up, Rodney.
We're just taking Billy to the doctor.
Ramona is an angry woman.
Rodney don't like Ramona when she's angry.
What about if I was to give you $10.
What if I was to give you $20.
That's still just $10.
He doesn't know the difference, Steve.
You're a regular goddamn Donald Trump, aren't you? You're fired! Mmm, gum.
Look at all this gum.
But no Ramona, okay? Ramona Shh.
Yes, but now you're getting into my gum retirement account, so no Ramona.
Hey, we got to take all this shit with us or else he's gonna die.
You're fired! Billy! He left the room! That's really creepy, Rodney.
Trump, we have a lot of gum in the car.
Will you help us? Yes.
What are you doing? We're gonna take him outside.
He's gonna help us with the stuff.
What are you, out of your freaking mind?! We'll take him outside and then we'll ditch him.
No! No! Do you have a better idea? No.
Come on, Billy.
Billy, come on.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's on turtle.
There's two speeds.
Turtle and rabbit.
That's rabbit.
Kill the rabbit! Shut up, Rodney.
Kill the rabbit! Kill the rabbit! Go! What are we gonna do about the Donald? Right, uh, Mr.
Trump? The Donald.
Okay, the Donald.
Ah, you have a lot of people to fire in the morning.
Oh, yeah.
So, it's probably best that you get yourself in, get yourself a good night's sleep.
Door's closed.
Door's not closed.
- I jammed it open with-- - You forgot these.
The Donald got them! Thank you, the Donald.
What do we do now, Jim? We're just gonna have to take him with us.
They got a word for that, though-- it's "kidnapping.
" Yeah, he's right.
Not technically.
He's coming willingly.
All right.
The D-Team! Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh-duh Everyone! duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh-duh Dude, that was epic.
No shit.
Hey, when did she get here? A couple hours ago.
Can he move? No.
Sorry, I can't.
The little dude can't move.
Later, Rodney! Bye, Jason! Bye, Michael! I'll read your scripts.
Oh, my God.
Rodney's about to bowl a perfect game.
Strike! It's 4:38.
This is too bloody early.
You're fired.
All right, enough with the Trump.
He did it! Did what? He just bowled the perfect game! He did? Rodney! Come on, Jim.
What's Billy doing on the floor? Why are you on the floor? I have no idea.
He has no idea.
Are you all right? Rodney just threw up.
Yeah, I saw that.
Come on.
Rodney, how did you do that? Because I'm good! You are good.
I have to pee.
Do you have any idea what time it is?! We do now.
All right.
We have to get them back to the home, man.
It's almost 5:00.
What if the home called the cops? I like this.
This is genius, this.
Who the hell is she? I have no idea.
Her name's Katrina.
Who the hell is Katrina? An angel.
Turns out she's an angel.
No, I mean where did she come from? Heaven.
Billy believes she's from heaven.
No, I mean when did she get here, is what I'm asking you.
Somebody needs to wake her up.
Oh, I wouldn't do that.
Oh, yeah? Why can't I wake her up? Well, I don't have any money.
Can you pay her? I can't pay her.
She's a hooker.
Rodney? No.
No, no, no.
What the hell are we gonna do? This is fine.
I'll take these two home.
You clean up, and if she wakes up, you don't know anything.
You don't know my name, you don't know Billy's name, you don't know your name.
No, I'm not going anywhere.
Ow! Yes, you are.
Oh, great.
Hi, Mom.
No, it's okay.
Yeah, he's with me and Jim.
Yeah, and, well, Rodney, too.
We're just watching TV.
We're hanging out.
It's okay.
No, you don't need to do that.
Don't come over here.
Everyone's fine.
Ow! Stop it, Billy! Mom, I got it under control.
We certainly do not need your interfere Are you freaking kidding me? Get that out of my face, you idiot.
No, not you.
I'm talking to Jim.
No, Mom.
I got it all under control.
There's no No, that's me.
That's me coughing.
I'm coughing and talking.
It's not impossible.
Ow! I'm not kidding, man.
I'm gonna kill you.
Just break it, bitch.
Just stay Mom? Hello? Hello? Great.
I hope you're happy.
She's coming over here.
Who's coming over where? My mom.
Oh, no! She ruins everything.
Why is Janice coming over here? Because the woman from Shady Grove is pissed.
Which one? The Filipino one.
Once again, which one? The short one.
You haven't narrowed it down at all.
She can't see him like this.
What's wrong with him? He's stoned and drunk.
And tripping.
Oh, yeah.
He's also tripping.
Wait, what do you mean, tripping? There were some mushrooms at the party.
Are you serious?! You gave him mushrooms?! He can't even move! I can't move? He wanted to try them.
Oh, great.
Now we're really screwed.
What, are you tripping, too? Well, of course I'm tripping.
Oh, right.
Well, what about Rodney? No.
That's natural Rodney.
Stand up.
You're helping me clean.
We're cleaning.
Get up.
We're cleaning before she gets here.
You're doing that wrong.
I'm trying to help.
Houston, this is Major Tom.
We got a problem.
Oh, my God.
Why is Rodney in his underwear and has vomit all over his face, Steve? We lost his clothes.
He didn't fit into anyone else's.
Honey, are you all right? Yeah.
I'm good.
Rodney, are you okay? I'm fine.
And I'm doing great, Janice.
It's so nice of you to ask.
They're drunk.
We are drunk.
No, they're not drunk.
- No, actually, we-- - Yes, they're drunk.
You gave him a drink?! Well, he's had a couple beers.
That's it.
He has muscular dystrophy.
Oh, my God, honey.
Are you all right? How many beers have you had? How many? One, two? One You're a lizard.
A lizard.
You're a lizard.
He's adorable.
Why do I look like a lizard? I can't say.
I am taking him out of here right now, and we are never coming back here ever again.
Do you understand that, Steve? Boy, did you screw this one up.
Ramona is on her way for Rodney.
Which one's Ramona? The black, angry one.
Again, not clear.
Nice, Jim.
Do you know why they didn't press charges? Because I had to agree that Billy was out.
Out? Mm-hmm.
What do you mean by "out"? Evicted.
Oh, yay! Oh, this is not a "yay.
" And this is all your fault.
Where am I gonna live? He can live with you, right, Janice? I don't know.
We'll have to, you know, figure that out.
Or he could just live here.
You can't be serious.
Yes, he is.
I am? You are? I am! This is very exciting.
It really is.
Billy is lucky.
Okay, no.
This is never gonna happen.
I need to have a word with you, please.
Anything you want to say, you can say right here, Janice, 'cause we're family now.
Shut up, Jim.
She's another angry woman.
She really is.
Do you seriously think that you can take care of your baby brother in this pigsty? Well, you're one to talk, Miss Porcelain Dolls.
Don't you judge me! Look at him.
You can't take care of him.
What are you talking about? I took care of a wife and a daughter for eight years.
And look at how well that turned out.
At least he's happy here.
Yeah, 'cause he's drinking, and he's smoking, and God knows what else he's doing.
Do you know what you could do to him? Yeah, we could kill him.
Well, at least he'd die happy.
Well, even if I could believe that you could take care of him, which I do not, I do not want him around that loser.
What has he ever done to you? Worst decision of my life You wanted an exchange student.
I wanted a Swedish female.
I am his legal guardian, Jim.
Anyone can be a guardian.
Elvis was Priscilla's guardian, and he was having sex with her.
I don't hear.
And she was so young.
Aah! Well, just how talented do you have to be to have sex? No! I don't want to do it.
That is sick.
You're a sick man.
Billy, come with me.
Nice of you to stop by, Janice.
Oh, shut up, Rodney.
Billy, we're gonna fix this.
Bye, Billy.
Shut up, Rodney.
That sucks for Billy.
You here for Rodney? Hey, Jim.
Nice job getting past me last night.
Hey, Rodney.
You're fired! Has he slept? I don't know.
Is that something he even does? Well, not much.
Look, I'll deny it if anyone asks me, but that was a really nice thing you did.
What? For Rodney.
He needed to get out.
Nobody ever comes to visit him or spends time with him.
Really? I love Rodney.
Why don't you come in? Take a load off your feet.
We're in the middle of a "Toddlers & Tiaras" marathon.
I love that show.
Hello? Oh, shit.
Rodney, we got to go.
No, Mom, relax.
It's all right.
We'll find him.
I mean, how far could he have gotten? Jim, damn it, get up.
I told you this was a bad idea.
Billy ran away.
Billy rolled away.
Where? Come on, Rodney.
Let's go.
Let me know if you need any help.
I've got a friend who's gone missing.
He's in a wheelchair.
It's a nicer one than yours, but he's got a shittier condition than what you've got.
You haven't seen him anywhere? This is my fault.
I took him to a prostitute, and, of course, he enjoyed it.
I've given him dreams.
Before me, he had no dreams.
He was happy.
He didn't know any bloody better.
When I was a young comic, all I wanted to do was get onstage once, and I thought if I did that, that'd be really something.
Then I did that.
That wasn't enough, was it? Then I wanted to get paid for it.
Then, once I got paid for it, it was a full-time job, I started watching the TV like, "How's that prick on TV and I'm not?" Eventually, they put me on TV, and then that wasn't enough, either.
I come over to America, and now people are talking about me being a movie star, and if I'm not a movie star, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna kill myself! I've gone further than anyone with my looks or intellect should have ever gone, and I'm miserable 'cause of bloody dreams! So, I gave Billy dreams, man.
And that was just wrong.
Oh! Thanks.
Trust me, you never had it so good.
I don't know if you can hear me Hey, Bill.
What's up? Well, my battery ran out, and I'm going to kill myself.
How are you, uh planning on doing that? Just out of curiosity.
How pathetic is that? I can't even plug in my own wheelchair or kill myself.
Will you help me? Kill yourself? Please.
Can't do that, Bill.
I can plug in your wheelchair.
What do you want to kill yourself for? Because I can't live with my mother She's a freak.
Look, if everyone in this world who had a crazy mother killed themselves, there'd be very few people walking this earth.
Or rolling, in your case.
So? So, she'd miss you.
Your dad would miss you.
Steve would miss you.
Rodney would miss you.
Screw Rodney.
What have you got against Rodney? His life is totally screwed up, yet somehow he seems so damn happy.
Yeah, you're right.
Screw Rodney.
I hate that smiling little bastard.
Look, I'd miss you.
I like you.
I like you like a brother.
Yeah, so you can't kill yourself, all right? I'm not gonna help you kill yourself.
I understand the desire, though.
You do? I want to kill myself all the time.
Well, don't, because I'd miss you.
Plus, who would wipe my ass? Just to be clear-- Steve.
Steve wipes your ass.
Yeah, he's pretty good at it.
I'm not talking to her.
Hi, yeah.
Yeah, I found him.
Yeah, no, I'm with him right now.
No, he's left the room.
Janice, I'm gonna take him back to live with me and Steve.
No, I'm gonna come over, I'm gonna get the car, I'm gonna get him a battery, and then I'm gonna take him home.
Home? Yeah, why not? So, one last time.
How were you planning on killing yourself, Billy? First, you have to get over the wall, and then, if you do get over the wall, you've got about four inches of water there.
Jim, I can drown in two inches of water.
All right.
I'll be back soon.
Hey! Could you put my oxygen on? Thought you wanted to kill yourself? You're a dick.
Can't think clearly It's just a bad hemorrhoids.
"Just," you say.
I'm gonna have to change him, and I'm gonna have to wipe his ass all this different type of stuff.
I don't know.
You look at a lot of asses.
Do you think I can do this? Oh, you'll be fine.
I really like it.
I don't know if you can hear me I'm sorry for the things I said but some thoughts just won't leave my head And even though it's complicated We've got time to start again I don't know if you can hear me Genius.
* Further corrections by TVnut *