Legit (2013) s01e03 Episode Script


I'm nobody's little buddy, all right? - Billy, relax.
- Yes.
Listen to spoon face.
- What? - Spoon face.
You know when you look in the back of a spoon, and Oh, he does! Very funny, assholes.
Let's get some prostitutes.
- I don't want a prostitute.
- I do.
And take off this damn oxygen, spoon face.
What do you mean, you don't want a prostitute? I don't want to just have sex.
I want a relationship.
- You've finally done it, Steve! - Done what? - Billy's a pussy.
- I know, right? Your life is great! You just have to sit here all day doing nothing! - Like you? - Like me! But I have to go to work! You don't have to go to work! You don't have to clean up after other people, don't have to do the laundry.
No laundry, no house.
- Two-hour shits.
- Two-hour shits, Billy! - Don't have to wipe your own ass.
- Tell him about stairs! Challenging! Stairs are an organized hill.
That's all they are.
Trust me, you don't want a relationship.
They all end badly.
- Internet dating, Billy.
- No.
Shut up, spoon face.
All you got to do is click this button here, and you start talking to other people on the screen.
- Oh, Jim, I got one.
- Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
She wants to see my cock.
- Yeah, that's a man.
- No, it's not.
It's a woman.
- Is the picture moving? - Yes! - But it's on a loop.
- Yeah.
What you've got there is a fat, naked man who wants to see your cock.
See, Billy, the Internet's filled with a lot of horrible things, like pedophilia and bestiality and people who comment on stand-up routines that they don't understand! Okay.
[ Mouse clicking ] No.
Hey, dudes.
[ All laugh ] Screw you! Oh, Jim, why'd you put him on SpinTheCan? That's the "naked, lonely guy with his cock out" site.
And how'd you know that, Steve? What's with the skis? I want to make him look like a sportsman.
We got to give him a profile.
How tall would you like to be? - 6' tall.
- 6' tall.
[ Keyboard clacking ] Weight? - 190? - You're an Adonis.
Steve, go make yourself useful.
Get some pictures of him playing tennis and rock climbing.
Billy, just be yourself.
[As '50s dad] Billy, women don't want you to be yourself.
At times, they say they do, but you know women.
They like to lie.
Women have this image of a man in their head that they've had since they were little girls watching princess movies and playing with their daddies.
You try to accommodate them, which is an activity that women can't relate to.
So you change, and you try to be what they want you to be.
You change, and they believe that you don't have balls anymore.
So you change back to yourself, and then they think you're a bastard.
I love '50s dad.
But Jesus, that sounds scary.
[Normal voice] Do you really want to get involved with this world? Sounds great.
Who's that guy? There you go.
[ Record scratching ] Who's that? Nice.
Who's that guy? Who's that? Who's that guy Looking at me in the mirror saying, "damn, homey, you so" fly"? Who's that dude? Awesome, man.
Everybody want to be next to Ready? [ Record scratching ] Oh, yeah, oh, yeah Whoo! [ Laughing ] What? - How about that one? - No.
Why not? Because you're practically an albino, and you have a belly.
[ As '50s dad ] That's where you're wrong, Billy.
- Here comes '50s dad.
- Awesome.
Women like their men's bodies with a bit of character.
Makes them feel good.
Women date men on death row because they know where they are every minute of the day, and that makes them feel secure.
That's what women really want your soul, Billy.
And sparkly things.
And plants.
[ Tone sounds ] Oh, hey, Jim! I got a response.
[ Normal voice ] Ooh, nice.
Move! Her name is Liz.
- She lives in Silverlake.
- Oh, no good.
Can't go with Silverlake girl.
She's a hipster.
She'll make you enjoy bands that you don't want to enjoy.
You'll be wearing skinny jeans.
You'll have to get a tattoo.
Oh, shit! She wants to video chat.
What do I do? What do I do? - Just just - Okay, okay, okay! - Hi.
- Hi! Say your name.
- Is someone else back there? - No, no, no.
It's just the TV.
Say your name! - Say your name.
- It's Liz, Billy.
It's on the page.
So, Liz, what are you into? Ink.
Indie bands.
Me, too.
- Are you sure no one's back there? - Nah, I'm by myself.
- Ask to see her tattoo.
- Can I see your tattoo? Okay.
- Okay, tramp stamp.
- We love it.
We love it.
It's a tramp stamp.
- Uh, I love it! What is it? - The goddess of femininity.
- Why do you have that on your butt? - Above my butt.
To empower.
- To empower thrusts into her ass.
- What's wrong with you? To empower thrusts up your ass? [ Gasps ] Radiohead blows.
[ Click ] You don't really want a local girl.
It's not gonna work out.
You might meet her.
What if you meet her one day? What you need is a girl from the antipodes.
What? Do they teach you anything in school over here? Some girl from Australia, that's what you need to find.
Australian girls are great when they're young.
Not so good when they're adults.
I wouldn't have sex with one.
The sounds they make are terrible.
- Really? - You know, just like, "oh.
" Yeah? You like that? Keep putting it in me.
Oh, yeah.
"Now pull it out and put your goo on me face!" - It's horrendous.
- Awesome.
[ As '50s dad ] Billy, whenever you try to - No more '50s dad.
- You sure? No.
No '50s dad.
[ Normal voice ] Well, look.
When you meet a girl, try to be funny.
That's all you got to do.
Be funny.
Girls like witty guys.
I'm not very attractive, but I'm funny, and they appreciate it.
Compliment them a little bit, but not too much.
And always end a compliment with an insult.
Mention a "flawr.
" - A floor? - A "flawr" a problem with them.
- Oh, a flaw! - A flaw.
Mention a flaw with them, like, "you have a beautiful face.
What's with the green hulk eyes?" Green eyes.
And then, as you're talking to them, make sure you always leave a certain amount of silence.
They'll think you're mysterious, when, in reality, - you just have nothing to say.
- Yeah.
But more important than anything, know when to leave.
Dramatic exit.
Hey, Jim.
I got another one.
Just remember your training.
I'm going in.
I'm Billy.
Hi, Billy.
I'm Yolanda.
Nice to meet you, Yolanda.
- You're not married or anything, are you? - Yes! - Yes.
- No! No, no, no.
[ Laughs ] [ Chuckling ] I don't even know why I said that.
Um, you're really pretty.
Thank you.
You're kind of cute yourself.
Uh You are really pretty, in fact.
But What's with those big dumbo ears? What? Yeah, they're huge.
- Can you fly with those? - Eat shit, asshole.
[ Click, beep ] - Jim! - What the hell, Billy? I was doing what you said to do use a sweet Disney reference because of some princess thing.
You went straight to "asshole.
" It was very mean.
Got your underwear, Jim.
Want me to put them in your drawer? Sure, Steve! Thanks! He's very helpful.
Billy, you can't say a girl has dumbo ears.
"You say, " you're very pretty, but what about your little earlobes? "Why do you have such little earlobes?" You don't pick on the face.
Stay away from the face, the breasts, the shoulders.
- It's so complicated! - It really is.
You're the best-looking guy I know.
You should be able to meet women really easily.
Like, look how good-looking you are.
You have really blue eyes.
I'm angry at you right now, but I can't even talk to you because those things are piercing through my soul.
Were you part of the Aryan race, or is that just Hitler haircut just coincidental? There's something bizarre about your eyes, Billy.
Have you noticed your eyes? - It works.
- Bullshit.
He gets laid more than we do because he's better-looking.
I object.
- I am better-looking than Steve.
- Screw you.
But I'm not better-looking than you and your crazy blue eyes.
[ As '50s dad ] One more rule, Billy.
- God.
- When you're out and about, and you see a group of young ladies, always hit on the ugly girl first, Billy.
The good-looking girl will be impressed that you're being so nice to her grotesque friend.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you, Billy? I do.
I have to go work at the asbestos plant.
Thanks, '50s dad! Jim's method doesn't work.
Does not work.
- You just got to be yourself.
- Got to be yourself! - Ben.
- Yeah.
- Can you be yourself? - I am myself.
- Ooh, Lauren from accounting's here.
- Lauren's here.
- All right.
I'm going in.
- He's going in.
- Ben! - Yeah.
Stop repeating everything I say.
Got it.
Stop repeating.
Hey, Jim! Here's one Renee from Melbourne.
Well, send her a friend request, and send her that picture of you rock climbing.
Whoa, that was fast.
- She wants to video chat.
- Okay.
- Fix my hair and pull me up in the chair.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
[ Tones sound ] [ Grunts ] And take the back of my chair off.
I'm Billy.
Are you Renee? - Do you do this much? - Not too much.
A lot of weirdos.
It's Ben and Steve.
Who's Ben and Steve.
Always hit on the ugly girl first.
Kim! What are you doing hanging out with this group? You're way hotter than them.
[ Chuckling ] Steve.
Yeah, hotter.
I mean, uh Look at Lauren, here.
She's beautiful, but what's up with those eyes? Yeah.
She has eyes.
Those are the greenest eyes I think I've ever seen.
Like the hulk! [ Growls ] Have you ever seen eyes so green? Nobody has eyes that green.
Uh, I don't.
I have blue eyes.
Yeah! Blue.
They'll think you're mysterious, when you know [ Chuckles ] you're just an idiot.
Where are you? I'm in venice, uh, California.
- Are you a movie star? - [ Chuckles ] Yes.
No, I'm not.
You look kind of like that guy from "Road Trip.
" You look nothing like the guy from "Road Trip.
" You know, I actually get that a lot.
I think that guy's handsome.
You're kind of pretty yourself.
Except for your earlobes.
- What do you mean? - I don't know.
They're, like, crazy small.
[ Giggling ] Stop it! [ Chuckling ] No, seriously! I mean, itty-bitty earlobes like that? Who has those? Come on! Why don't you lean in closer so I can take a look at them? Are you okay? Silence.
I-I'm just I'm just speechless from your beauty.
And your really, scarily tiny earlobes.
[ Giggles ] And always end the compliment with an insult.
Is there something wrong with my eyes? Yeah, they're freaking the hell out of me, that's what.
The freakiest blue eyes I think I've ever seen.
Like two blue lagoons.
Where's Brooke Shields swimming in your eyeballs? - I love Brooke.
- Freaky.
They're blue.
[ Chuckles ] - Yeah, they're blue.
- The good-looking girl will get jealous that you're not hitting on her.
Hey, Kim.
Look like you could use a drink.
Uh, yes, please.
A skinny girl Martini.
Not that you need it.
Yeah, it's a little late for that.
[ Laughs ] You don't.
Jesus, Steve.
Where did you get those moves? Ben, shut up.
You're killing this for me.
- Shut up, Ben.
- That Steve, though, he's funny.
He's great.
- I don't know what to do now.
- You don't know what to do.
Be funny.
Girls like witty guys.
I got it.
I'm going back in.
He's got it, and he's going back in.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up! No, seriously, you hang up.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
All right.
Take your time.
Jim! Jim! - Billy rolled away.
- I can't hang up, and I got to pee so bad, I'm going to explode.
- Hurry! - All right.
Hurry, hurry, hurry! [ Sighing ] [ Urinating ] [ Moans ] What are you doing? [ Urinating stops, starts ] - Nothing! - What is that noise? A sprinkler hitting the side of the house.
Were you just doing something dirty? No! Yes.
Oh, you're dirty.
[ Chuckling ] Sometimes.
- Do you mind? - Oh, it's a bit early.
But I do think it's kind of sexy.
Love her.
What does an I.
Guy use for birth control? - I don't know.
- His personality.
[ Laughter ] Like Ben, here.
Right? [ Laughter ] So, Steve All this time, we've worked in the same office.
- We've never talked.
- I was just too afraid.
Of your freakishly blue eyes! My God! [ Laughs ] I was afraid you were gonna give me frostbite with those crystal-blue eyes of yours.
Well, I never knew you were that funny.
I'm not.
I use my personality for sex.
I'm funnier than Ben.
[ Both laughing ] More important than anything, know when to leave.
Well, you know what? - It's getting late.
- Steve, so soon.
- It's time I blew this pop stand.
- "Blue.
" It's time he blew this pop stand.
- So good to see you.
- Yeah! Okay.
It was great to catch up.
- It was really nice.
- Yeah.
[ Laughing ] You're funny.
You are funny.
You're both great.
[ Click ] High five, little buddy! It worked! - You were talking to her forever! - I know! What were you even talking to her about? I couldn't even tell you! Holy shit, Jim.
It worked.
Both: You got laid? No, a prolonged hug.
From Lauren! - In accounting! - Oh! Lauren from accounting! I talked to her last night for five hours.
Can you teach me how to talk to a girl like that? Yeah.
You ask them about their lives, what their hopes are, what they think about life's big questions.
They have lives, and they hope for things.
I never even knew.
What are the big questions in life? You know, like what happens when you die.
Well, you've died.
What does happen when you die? Nothing.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
See you.
- Wait, you can't leave! - Why not? Because she's gonna show me hers, and I want to show her mine.
- Okay, I'll rig it up for you.
- No, but I may need your help.
Billy, I'm not gonna touch your dick! Somebody has to! I can't! - Steve, you have to stay and jerk your brother off.
- No.
No way, man.
I dressed him up in his date clothes.
You're up, jimbo.
- I got a real date with Lauren.
- Which one's Lauren? Not tonight, buddy! [ Tones sound ] - Okay.
I got to go.
- Wait, wait! Here she is.
- Hi! - Hi! Wow, you look great.
[ Chuckles ] So do you.
No, I mean, you look really great.
You know, I was thinking about what you said, and you're totally right.
It's all about being in the moment.
Really? You seem to have it so together.
I struggle constantly about what should be as opposed to what is.
I never would have gotten that from you.
You're really sweet.
So are you.
I don't understand a word you guys are saying.
Seriously, those eyes are, like, electric blue.
No, really did you grow up near a nuclear power plant? [ Laughing ] No! Stop! You're embarrassing me.
They'll think you're mysterious, when, in reality, you really just have nothing to say.
What? You're just really beautiful.
Except for those smurf eyes.
Ugh! [ Laughing ] Seriously.
Can I call you right back? Yeah, of course.
- Billy, she's awesome.
- I know.
- I am so hot for her.
- Shut up, Jim! No, we can do this, but what we'll do is I'll masturbate in front of the webcam.
- She'll think it's you.
- Jim, you are not screwing my girlfriend.
She had a turtle as a child.
I will kill you.
[ As '50s dad ] Well, Billy, you better answer that call.
[ Click ] Both: Wow.
Is someone there? No, no, no, that was the TV.
What are you looking at? A cat crawled across the house.
You're acting weird.
You're just so pretty, and I'm just mesmerized by your beauty.
Well, does this help? - [ Normal voice ] Yes.
It does.
It does.
- Yes.
Is someone else there? No, it's the TV.
Oh, this is not the way I want this to turn out.
It's getting all weird.
But I really like you a lot.
Well, would you like to see more? [ Cellphone vibrates ] Yes, absolutely.
Steve, what are you doing? I think she wants to sleep with me.
I don't know what to do, man! - I'm freaking out here! - All you got to do is sit down, get your drink, slam it, "and say, " do you want to go back for a drink at my house?" And then, first one to speak loses, okay? I can do this.
- You all right? - Mm.
[ Glass slams ] All right.
Let's go to my house and have a drink.
[ Laughs ] Okay.
Really? [ Laughs ] Like you've like you've never taken anyone home before.
[ Both laugh ] I haven't.
[ Laughs ] You're so silly.
Come on! [ Chuckles, sighs ] Are you coming? I want to see yours.
[ Chuckles nervously ] [ Laughing ] Oh, my God! It's huge! Guess you could say I'm kind of blessed.
I want to see you touch it.
Um, you know, I'm not I'm not sure.
Oh, come on! I know.
Let's do it together.
You're so cute.
Jim, come on, please? Shh.
Shut up.
Honey, grab that anaconda.
Oh, my God.
I hate Australians.
No, Jim, listen! I really think I love this girl.
Oh, come on, Billy! - I won't make any noises, I swear.
- Shut up! [ Door opens ] Such a gentleman.
Well, what can I say? Hey, everybody, this is lau - My God, Steve! - Mom?! - What's going on? Billy? Never talk to me again.
I - Lauren from accounting.
- Yeah.
- Skype sex.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- Good for you, buddy.
She's hot.
I got to hey, wait! You are a sick, sick man, Jim.
Listen, I can point out all your "flawrs!" I can point out all your floors! Aw, come on!! Billy wanted to masturbate.
We all know he can't.
So, I I'm I helped him masturbate.
- Oh, my God.
- He can't? - Who in the hell is that? - We've met this girl on the Internet, and she's just great, and we love her, and look.
Say hello to Renee.
Hi! It's nice to meet you! Hi.
She's wonderful.
This might be the best relationship I've ever had.
Jim, this is not your relationship.
Mom, this is the best relationship I've ever had, and part of a healthy relationship is a sexual component.
- So you volunteered to masturbate him? - No, no, no, no, no.
I wanted to masturbate in front of her.
Billy wouldn't let me.
He had to show his own cock.
That's because I like you so much.
Oh, Billy.
Okay, enough.
Enough! [ Scoffs ] - Do it, Jim.
- You sure you want me to do this, Billy? Do it.
I'm sorry, Renee.
I have M.
, and I'm not outdoorsy.
And as you probably heard, I I can't even touch myself.
Oh, no.
Renee, please don't cry.
I am so sorry.
[ Chuckles, sniffles ] Um I lied, too.
I'm so sorry.
Um, who's holding the computer and touching you? Hi.
Pretty amazing friend you've got, there, Billy.
I know.
[ Knock on door ] Hey.
Billy, that's that's my date.
- You you're gonna be okay? - I'm fine.
Hey, what do you think happens when we die? Do you have any hobbies? [ Door closes ] Don't you worry Don't you worry Hi, Renee.
What's up with your legs? They're, like, crazy small.
[ Chuckles ] I mean, with legs that small, how do you even walk? - Really, Billy? - [ Chuckles ] I mean, who has legs that small? Nobody.
Nobody I know.
I mean Can you buy shoes with legs that small?