Legit (2013) s01e04 Episode Script


Okay, let's just say I've done everything that you said I'm doing.
How long should I be punished for this? What is the statute - until you realize that you're wrong.
Thank you.
Don't worry about it.
It's fine.
Oh, you're very quick to give up on that, weren't you? What is that supposed to mean? Well, we're having this argument.
It's gonna go on for weeks.
But when it comes to the check, don't worry about it.
Old Jim will pay for it.
Oh, that's fair.
How much do drinks cost here, or anywhere? I don't know, Jim.
I don't.
How are you? Hi.
Good, thank you.
Eating alone? Yeah.
It's fun, isn't it? Yeah.
How much do drinks cost here? Well, drinks are $6.
Call drinks are $8.
And How much is a beer? A draft is $5.
A draft is $5, Peggy.
It's $5 for a draft.
Would you like one? No.
Are you paying? Of course.
I would love one! All right.
Thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
See, she knows how much drinks cost because she's what they call "unattractive.
" You're not.
You've never bought a drink in your entire life! This is why I'd love to be gay.
Oh, it would suit me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex at first, but I'd muscle through it I'm a trooper.
I'd have it in my mouth.
Tears would be streaming down my face, but it'd all be worth it, just so I could split the occasional bill.
That's why lesbians are so bloody angry neither of them know who's gonna pay.
One of them's sitting there thinking, "well, I put the effort in.
" I've shaved my head.
I've got a brand-new plaid shirt.
"She better treat me like a princess.
" Yep, you're an asshole.
Why do they always look like men if they hate us so much? You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi! Hi.
Excuse me.
You two are splitting the bill, right? Yeah.
Good for you.
It's very hard to keep your anger in.
I don't think I'm yelling, you know? I'll be having a discussion with a girl, and I'll say, "look, I" don't agree with you.
" And then she'll be, "stop yelling at me!" I'll be, "I'm not yelling!" And then, all of a sudden, of course you're yelling.
And then she looks at you like you're a murderer or acting like a child or someone who's killing a child.
Oh, it's a woman's world, mate.
I think I'd prefer to be gay.
You know? But I could never have the sex, never enjoy that.
Therein lies the rub, so to speak.
Could never have sex with something I respect.
That joke kills onstage.
Hey, Jim, are you gonna bring a suit? It's Omaha.
Are there nice places there? It's Omaha.
Hey, Steve, don't forget the k-y.
That's funny.
We don't even use it anymore.
Beginning of the relationship, we did he was very tender.
Jim, please stop, all right? You know I have a thing about sharing a room.
And flying.
You have a problem with everything, Steve.
He's afraid to fly.
Seriously, I've been on more flights than he has.
When you fly, do you go economy or cargo? Cargo.
That's nice.
Steve, you didn't tell me you sucked at flying, as well.
Where's my damn floss? Billy, did you take my floss? You're going mad, Steve! Billy didn't take your floss.
How could he? How do you get like this? Hey, mom! We're watching "hoarders.
" Shut up.
I had to stop by and pick up your damn pain medication, and then your father was telling me a story that I'd heard a thousand times before.
Which story? Oh, I don't know.
One with a tent? Is that a hoarder reference? It's surprisingly nice of you to take Steve to the show.
Steve, you guys need to go to the airport, okay? Steve! This is disgusting! It's like a health hazard in here! Oh, come on, mom.
Nobody can live at your house.
And why are you, of all people, cleaning? Shut up! Will you both just stop it?! Jim, are you ready? I'm ready.
Is this old food? Oh, Steve, this is disgusting! Look at this! No wanking near me, Steve.
There will be no drugs or hookers.
Janice, it's Omaha.
I've called they're both busy.
You are so sick.
We flew to San Francisco once.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I threw up the whole way.
And he screamed, "we're gonna crash! We're gonna die!" I love this story, too.
You're being picked on by a He was nervous.
I gave up my room for you, you little shit.
Okay, just go.
Just go.
Give me a kiss.
Go, go.
Get out.
Both of you, get out.
Bye, Steve! Don't forget to crash and die! I won't Billy.
Don't forget to have mom wash your balls for you! You're gonna burn.
Stop it! This one's shorter.
Trust me.
Your jacket, sir.
I'm gonna wear it on the plane, though.
All jackets must be removed, sir.
Step back, please.
Belt? Oh, sorry.
Hey, mom! I got to pee.
You don't have to pee, Billy! You peed 10 minutes ago.
What are you doing? I'm cleaning! Yes, I know that, mother.
But why? Why? Yes.
Because these boys are inadequate to take care of you, and I can't keep coming over to do this.
So, um, we are going to hire and interview help today.
What? Yeah! Mm-hmm.
We are going to get a home-care nurse for you.
No, we're not! Is this your bag, sir? Yes.
Bag check.
What? What's wrong with it? They're all over 3 ounces.
Well, that's cough syrup.
Yes, we are.
No, we're not! Yes, we are! No, we're not, mom.
Steve and Jim are doing fine.
They are not.
You want to leave the room, that's fine.
But we are hiring somebody today whether you like it or not.
Mom? Yep? You're a hoarder.
I am a collector, and there is a big, big difference.
Face scrub.
Aftershave? Nope.
That's shaving cream.
That's just lotion for hands.
I only use it on my hands! No.
It's a shampoo and conditioner in one.
Back and sides are very hard to manage.
No, not that one.
That's for my tinea cruris.
Jock itch.
Absolutely not.
Thank you, sir.
Have a wonderful flight.
Thank you.
Next, please.
Hey! Hold it! Drop the bag, sir.
Security? What?! No, it's it's I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with me.
Jim! You're gonna be a while, Steve! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Eh, alive.
They cavity-searched me.
Who's a lucky boy, then? Alive.
What are you doing? Playing the alive/dead game, Steve.
Stop it.
When the plane crashes and we're all living on a deserted island.
Oh, God.
You don't have to go as soon as they call.
If I don't go now, I'm never gonna go! Steve? What?! Dead.
You're such a dick.
Excuse me.
Oh, God.
Pardon me.
I have to get a excuse me.
There's no excuse me.
I need to get past.
Mine's full, and I Excuse me.
I need to get through.
Excuse me.
What?! Can you hold her a sec? No, I really can't.
She's a service dog.
What kind of service does she perform? Therapy.
Really? What kind of therapy? Emotional.
I got it.
The dog is gonna have to go in its carrier under the seat.
It's not my dog.
It's mine, and it's a therapy dog.
Really? That's what I said.
Wha okay.
Steve, get out of my seat.
I got to look out the window, or else I'll get sick.
Here, please.
What's this? It's supposed to be a therapy dog.
It's roxy! Who's roxy? She's a therapy dog to help your friend with his nerves, 'cause he's pretty keyed up.
She's very cute.
Thank you! What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Hey, Steve? Get out of my seat.
Steve, get out of my seat.
What's the problem here? This man is being very rude.
Your dog's not gonna help me get my seat! Yes, he would.
Steve, get out of my seat.
Sir, please.
Just take the middle seat.
No, I booked this seat months ago! This is my seat! This man's sitting in my seat.
Give me my seat, Steve.
I can't! He obviously cannot, so please, sir, please just take the middle seat.
Thank you.
Maybe you'll get lucky and no one sits in the aisle.
Steve, I haven't been on a plane for four years that hasn't been completely full.
God! What are you doing?! I can't get comfortable! I can't get comfortable! Will you bring me a pillow? Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Also, I still have to pee.
Okay, well, hold it.
You can pee later.
The doctor said that it is good to hold it in.
Mom, does this look comfortable? Take the pillow away.
Oh, I can't get comfortable! Don't think you're gonna go to the toilet whenever you want to.
Then what am I gonna do? You're gonna sit there! I wish they would just let you stay with me.
The state won't let me stay with you, mom thank God.
Oh! Our first candidate.
Try to look healthy.
That's never gonna happen.
What?! Come on.
Why can't I have a hot one? Because you are not wheeling around in that wheelchair with an erection.
I've seen it.
It's offensive.
It's not offensive.
It's very disturbing.
It's magnificent.
All these people are dead.
The child's dead.
These people are dead.
I'm alive.
It's a desert island.
She's there, too.
We're eating you, Steve.
There's only two more seats, and No.
Don't ever sit next to me, Steve.
Why can't I find a girl like that? Maybe because you're an asshole? You're right, you know.
That's what twiggy said to me.
Peggy said to me.
You know, when they always talk about movies, like, in the they always depict air stewardesses as being, like, these hot, young things with a pillbox hat and the hair and the perfect makeup and the perfect eyes and the little waist and the great tits? Yeah.
I don't think any of those women have retired.
Look at her! made her face drip off her skull like the end of "raiders of the lost ark.
" Oh, Jim, please.
You just got lucky.
Oh, my God.
Get out of my seat, Steve.
I can't.
I'm losing it here, Jim.
Swap seats with me, Steve.
I'm losing it.
Give it back to me, Steve.
I can't! You want roxy now? I really do.
Too late.
I think you're in my seat.
Will you hold this for me, please? You're a dead man.
He's massive.
Ma'am, there's no room.
Whose backpack is this? It's his.
Sir, you'll have to put your backpack under your seat.
I only bring a single one so I don't have to have anything under the seat! Sir, put it in front of your seat.
This woman brought three and a dog! Service animal.
Is there a problem? Thank you.
Excuse me.
I have to pee.
You have to wait.
We're actively taxiing.
Why didn't you put your bagunder your seat? This is my seat.
Sir, please, put your bag under your seat.
This is my seat.
I tried to explain to - now.
Don't bother the man.
He's angry.
I am angry! I have the middle seat! Welcome to trans-voyage air flight This is a non-smoking flight.
What? Wait.
I don't remember that memo.
Surely, you can't smoke in the airport, but you think you'd be able to smoke in a cylinder in the sky.
Oh, please, Jim.
Please pay attention.
This is for your safety, as well as the safety of everyone else on board.
It's very important that my instructions be carried out to the letter.
After all, everything I do, I do to ensure his safety.
Billy, pay attention.
This is about your safety.
I'm gonna pee my pants.
I've heard that for 30 years.
Did you see that? Please, Jim, don't talk.
Don't cause a scene, please.
I think you are perfect.
Are you crazy?! No, she's not! Yes! I think I know what's best.
But I can't work weekends.
Oh, thank God.
And I don't think I want to work for you, anyway.
You're too angry.
Well, you'd be angry, too, if you had a mother like her.
And a rather magnificent but apparently offensive cock, and you couldn't jerk it off.
Bitch! Just let it go, man.
It's just an armrest.
Yeah, but I'll just say, like, nicely, like, kindly, like, "excuse me, good sir, but you are taking my armrest.
" No, you will not say, "kindly," "good sir," or, "excuse me," or any of that! Yeah, I am a lot nicer in my head.
Look, you can have mine.
Steve, I've already got yours.
I get both of them.
There's certain things that people should already know, all right things like don't kill people, try not to rape.
When you're in an airplane, there's a thing called plane etiquette, and it goes like this window gets an armrest and a wall.
Middle gets two armrests.
Aisle gets an armrest and a little bit of extra leg.
We're not animals! We live in a society! It's not that big a deal.
Oh, it's all right for you, Steve.
We haven't all been pleasurably cavity-searched today.
I'm going for it.
I'm in.
I'm in.
He's black.
He's also very gay.
What are you doing? I got to do this, Steve.
He's been fighting for this armrest for 20 minutes, but now he's met the wall of Jim.
So why are you squashing me? It's a principle thing, Steve.
Mommy, the lady man is being mean to the angry man.
Why are you such a Hey! Mommy, what's a "can't"? Did he just say the "c" word? Yep, he dropped the c-bomb.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me? What did you call me? A Sir.
I called you a Oh, grow up, the lot of you! Now, I get it it's not as popular a word as it should be in this country.
Hear, hear.
Thank you.
But in other countries, like the u.
, it's used - all the time.
It's used in Shakespeare, chaucer.
It's the oldest expletive in the book.
Are you upset because you're trying to take my armrest? Oh, here we go.
Your armrest? Your armrest? You don't know plane etiquette.
Window gets an armrest and a wall.
Middle gets two armrests.
Aisle gets an armrest and a little bit of extra leg.
We're not animals! We live in a society! He's got a point.
Sorry, man.
I didn't know.
Will you move your elbow? I am only taking the back of the armrest.
You can have all the rest.
You take the back, you take the whole damn thing.
No one's ever gone, "thanks for the front of the armrest.
" He's right about that, too.
Spot on.
And you're not just taking my armrest! You're almost coming over the armrest, and it's digging into my ribcage.
Well, if someone lost a little weight - Oh, God.
He didn't say that! Oh, this is gonna get good.
You bitchy queen.
How dare you? Oh, piss off.
Isn't "bitch" a bad word? Nowhere near as bad as that other word.
He's a very angry man.
I'm not angry!! This is a civil-rights thing.
I'm standing up for middle seats everywhere! Yeah! Sit down! Oh, here she comes, without her Walker.
Shh! What is the problem now? I want this asshole away from me.
You know, there is no need for that kind of language.
This is the exact reason that that type of language was invented, all right? We're both angry.
We're having a fight.
When do you swear? He's right again.
I swear all the time.
Even I swear when I get upset.
All right, then.
There is no need for name-calling.
Thank you.
I didn't call him any names.
Yeah, you called him a bitchy queen.
Thank you.
I'm just trying to help.
You're not helping, Steve.
Yes, you are.
Listen, cybil.
Can I call you cybil? No.
Cybil, you're right.
There is never a need for name-calling.
But as a proud gay man myself, I feel like I've earned the right to say such words.
This liar's trying to take my armrest.
Oh, please.
Everyone knows that the middle seat gets both armrests.
Thank you, cybil.
We're not animals! We live in a society! Hear, hear.
But he's not gay! Ah! That is upsetting.
All right, I'm gonna have to separate the two of you.
Hmm! And you will have to find a new seat in the back.
Get to the back of the plane! Ooh, that is so wrong! Sit down, you limey bastard! Steady on! Oh, shut up, you pommy cock.
That's the British! I'm Australian, you bloody racist! That's not racism.
That's bigotry.
Shut up, Steve! Australia's a nationality.
Shut up, Steve! No way.
What? You know her.
She took care of you.
And I need to get out of that damn place.
I want out real bad.
They blame me for the boys escaping.
Mom, I hate the way she cleans my - what, your taint? Yes, my taint.
What are you talking like that for? I thought I raised you better.
She said it first! Yeah, well, she's a professional.
I'm going to piss myself.
I understand that you collect porcelain dolls.
Yes, I do.
I just love those.
You do?! Yeah, they're some of my favorite things.
Oh, they're mine, too.
Hey, do you have any idea how hard it is to pee while you stand around talking about those creepy-ass dolls? It's your mama and me, son.
She carried you for nine months.
She was ripped from her "v" to her "a.
" She done seen your little pee-pee, and I've been washing your taint for longer than I care to remember.
So I suggest that you relax about that shit right now.
Mom? Hmm? Can I talk to you alone for a second? Yeah.
Can we just have a second? Mmhmm.
What is wrong with you? She's great! I love her! She just wants the job! She probably hates porcelain dolls.
And as for what's wrong with me, it's you, because you're always trying to control me, not letting me be a guy! You make it like everything that happens, it's the end of the world, like I'm an ax murderer killing children! Let me live, woman! I kept you alive all these years.
They're gonna kill you.
No, you're going to kill me by trying to control me.
This is roxy! She makes me happy.
Hi! Roxy the therapy dog.
So much roxy.
I'm sorry about everything.
You're looking great.
Middle seat.
No armrest here, dickhead.
Get to your seat now.
He's in that seat that folds down with the seatbelt overtop like he's stuck in a go-kart.
And the old bitch is in the toilet.
She's got nowhere to sit, and hey.
Guess you have to sit here if he's sitting there.
Hey, aren't you Jim jefferies? Yeah, man.
How you doing? I'm good.
Hey, I had no idea you were gay.
Love cock.
It's a big one for me.
Love the cocks.
As many as I can get.
Little dogs? Thank you.
Little dogs with bows.
Is that your boyfriend? Which one are we looking.
Still feeling nervous? We're married.
Hey, man.
That's cool.
I just want to tell you I'm sorry.
I was in the wrong, and I said some things that I didn't mean, and I'm sorry.
I was angry at my girlfriend, and I took it out on you, and it was wrong.
Thank you.
I actually like you people.
I do gays, not blacks.
Not that I dislike blacks.
Who would dislike I think you should be able to get married.
Once again, gays, not blacks.
Black people can get married.
They can in Australia.
We're very tolerant of you people gays and blacks.
We like we don't have many blacks.
Lots of gays.
But we like them both.
Anyway, I believe that gay people should get married, because I believe that gay people should have equal rights, have the same level of misery as the rest of us.
Why should gay people be able to have a relationship and keep all their money, eh, don't have to get lawyers involved? So, to reiterate, I'm sorry.
Have you got anything you want to say to me? No.
Why should I? Well, you did say I was fat, and it hurt.
Unless that's what you're into.
Do you like fat, white guys, like, sexually? Is that a thing? You know, like how black heterosexual guys like white, fat, blond chicks? Because it would be good if you did, 'cause it would really make me feel better.
Hey, Jimmy.
Just standing, listening to this bigoted, racist asshole Australian.
Yes, I do like the accent.
I'm in town for a few hours.
Want to hook up? Cool.
I'll be right there.
Did you see that? Yeah, he called you a racist, bigoted asshole.
No, not that.
He just rang up the only gay guy in Omaha and got himself sex for, like, in 30 minutes time.
Of course.
These people.
Gays, not blacks.
Hello, penny? Peggy.
Hi, it's Jim.
I've been thinking about things.
Look, I'm gonna be back in a couple of days, and I think it'd be great if we could get together and just lay in bed all day and just you're still angry about the dinner? Peggy? That's penny for you.
Ready or not, Omaha, Nebraska, 'cause here we come Bianca? Hi.
I'm in Omaha.
Yeah, it's Jim jefferies you think she would have been able to tell just from my accent.