Legit (2013) s01e05 Episode Script


Jim, you look very nice in that suit.
Thank you.
Look, I really appreciate you coming and supporting us.
And you, too, Rodney.
It's real nice of you to come down here and support us.
It's good theater.
- Where's dad? - Oh, he didn't want to come.
He didn't want to make you nervous.
He doesn't make me nervous.
You make me nervous.
What do I do to make you nervous? - What?! - Stop it.
I don't do anything to make you nervous.
It's gonna be fine.
You make yourself nervous.
Look at you.
You're sweating.
Shit, now I'm nervous.
He is nervous.
Would you please tell the court what happened on that evening? I was on my way to go get my baby boy some milk.
Milk for his baby boy.
He likes chocolate milk, and I know it.
So I went to get it for him.
And then I saw Dwayne pull up, and he asked me, did I want to go for a ride with him.
And I was like, "okay.
" And next thing I know, we being chased by the police.
I ain't never seen these people ever in my life.
Never seen these men before.
Nope, not never.
- Who eats cereal at Drug dealers? Yeah, dumb-ass, what'd you think we're out here for? This is great.
You can get anything delivered.
Clothes, food, comic books, pinball machines.
Look at me.
I'm trying on jeans now.
You're holding my breakfast cereal.
It's like I'm a bloody king.
Yeah, look at all those customers.
Oh, hi, Lisa.
How are you? Wow, Jim, you're in a good mood.
I'm having a good day.
And what are you here for? Picking up the DVDs.
We talked about this.
Look at that car.
There's some big money in there.
Don't forget to feed Billy and make him wear his oxygen.
Food, oxygen.
Geez, he's a needy bastard.
Whoohoo! They even cooking that shit.
- We should come back tonight.
- Oh, we definitely coming back tonight.
Jefferies, do you recognize this machete? Yes, I do.
This was the knife that was used against me during the crime.
Get out of the way, Steve.
This is the best bit of the movie.
This is the bit where Eastwood shoots Hackman in the face.
- I love this part.
- It's a great part.
Is Peggy still here? Yeah, yeah, she's just asleep.
[Bullets ricochet] - Dude, I like her.
She's nice.
- Yeah, I like her, too.
Yeah, yeah.
She's nice.
She's nice.
Come come here.
This is the bit.
This is the bit.
Ready? Eastwood, Hackman, Eastwood [Gunshot] Both: Oh! [Laugh] Behold the blood-filled cantaloupe with a Gene Hackman wig.
No, that's a casaba melon.
Casaba melon, my ass.
That's a honeydew.
- You Americans don't even - Shut the hell up! Jesus.
- What's this? - Where is the drugs? All of them! Now! Here, man.
You trying to be funny? No, I don't.
He's funny.
I'm I'm really not that funny.
He don't look funny to me.
But you do.
And you you look funny as shit.
Suck it, dick wad.
- What'd you just say to me? - I said, "suck it, dick wad.
" Hit him, hammer.
You hit me with that, and I'll cram it so far up your ass, you'll be able to hammer nails with your face.
He can't shove anything up anyone's ass.
Shut up, Jim! He can't move, dude.
He's practically paralyzed.
So? Man, the little dude can't move.
That sucks, man.
Oh, don't you pity me, dick face.
Let's get it on.
- Billy, stop.
They will hurt you.
- Come on, bitch.
- Shut up, Billy! - You came to bring it? Everybody, shut up right now and tell me where's the boo?! Um, we don't know what boo is.
The crank! Once again, as a group, we don't know what crank is.
- The shit.
- I'm not following.
Oh, he means the blow.
Give him the blow.
Oh, I call it "jolly.
" Come on, limey.
- I'm Australian, not British.
- Same thing.
Hey, that was supposed to be for my birthday, man.
- Steve, I'm really sorry.
- That's it?! Well, I wouldn't take it all at once.
You know what, this is some bullshit.
Hey, you watch these two in here, all right? You come with me.
Get up.
You about to show me where the shit is.
What's in here? Go away, Jim.
I'm not like some pinball machine you can just play with any time - Who's that? - That's Peggy.
- Well, tell her to stop looking at me.
- Peggy, don't look at him.
Just get under the covers.
It's all gonna be over soon.
- Just get under the covers! - Okay, okay, okay.
- Now just tell me where the shit is.
- Look, I don't have any drugs.
- We're not drug dealers.
- That's bullshit, man.
I know you don't work.
We've been casing you.
I'm not a drug dealer.
I'm a comedian.
- Really? - Yes.
- You any good? - I'm all right.
You know, I got, like, an HBO special.
- I've got one on Showtime.
- I don't have Showtime.
I got this new one coming out.
Okay, not really important right now, Jim.
Get under the covers, Peggy! [Crowd murmurs] Why has she got a shield? I never got offered a shield.
I went through more than she has.
I got my hand cut.
Jim, shut up.
Thank you.
DeWitt, you are the girlfriend of Mr.
Jefferies, is that correct? Well, he hasn't called me in over a month, so I wouldn't really call myself his girlfriend.
I've been on tour.
- Oh, you didn't have your phone? - Objection.
Skyping? E-mail? - I - Mr.
Your honor, she's hot, but she's hard work.
She's worth it.
Thank you.
Okay, so is Mr.
Jefferies someone that you care about? Um, yes.
Very much.
DeWitt, why do you feel it's necessary for you to offer your testimony anonymously? Because I am scared.
- What are you afraid of? - Dying alone.
Oh, come on.
I was on tour.
- You work an hour a night.
- It's not an hour a night.
I have to write jokes.
I have to fly to gigs.
- There's a lot more involved - Mr.
What are you afraid of today, Ms.
DeWitt? I am afraid of them.
- Oh, that's us, Peggy.
- Oh, sorry.
I like Steve.
Hi, Steve.
Okay, can I ask you to be more specific? I am afraid of the two guys.
You mean the defendants Mr.
Murphy and Mr.
Is that correct? Yeah, them.
[Crowd murmurs] Why don't you give me your car keys, Mr.
Funny Man? I got car keys, but I don't know where Give me the keys right now or it's gonna be more than just this finger getting cut off.
Look around.
I don't know where they are.
It takes me 20 minutes to find them every morning.
It's true.
I can never find anything.
She can never find anything.
Well, you better find it.
Hey, I I found your shoe.
- It's not my shoe.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
DeWitt, do you feel confident identifying them even though they were wearing masks? I do.
Because one was this big black guy, and the other was a skinny, little white dude.
And because they weren't wearing gloves.
And because the white guy had a tattoo on his neck that said "Legendary One," and the black guy had a birthmark on his right shoulder.
[Crowd murmurs] Good point by her.
That's all, Ms.
I thank you for your testimony.
We should have pled.
Hey, you okay? - I'm gonna call you.
- Right.
I got a six-month tour at the moment that I can't get out.
Of course you do.
I like her.
So, are you single now? What? - Do you want the steering wheel? - Sure.
I mean, the game sucks, but if you ever want to play it, you're gonna have to have this.
And it's kind of cool 'cause it, like, vibrates.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? We'll do that, then.
And this controller works.
It's just the battery's dead.
So you just got to replace that.
Okay, sounds good.
Oh, you got to have this game.
This game is killer.
Rodney mastered it in, like, a day, but normal people weeks.
Stop looking at me, little dude.
I'm gonna kill you.
I will never ever forget your face.
I'm wearing a mask, dumb-ass.
And you'll be dead.
I'm not scared of you.
I see everything.
- I miss nothing.
- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't hit him, man.
Oh, and nice neck tattoo, asshole.
Billy, shut up.
You want me to help you put your mask back on? Man, just turn him around.
Turn him around.
Turn him towards the door.
Really, Steve? Really? Watch your toes, man.
That thing will kill you.
I can't believe you, man.
You are such a pussy.
Then just put his hand in his lap.
He can't do shit.
- Thanks, brother.
- Shut up.
Why don't you just give him mom and dad's keys and have him go over to their house? Shut your mouth! You're not helping.
Is that everything? Oh, no.
You know what, you need a good surge protector for this.
Oh, my God.
Are you gonna carry it out to his car? Shut up, man! Yo, I got the car keys.
I guess mom dressing you in dresses gave you a vagina, didn't it? 'Cause you got one, buddy.
- Do you have a brother? - A big old pussy! Hey, Mr.
How are you? Hey, Mark.
I'm fine.
You seem very nervous today.
Are you okay? I'm not nervous.
I'm fine.
Well, you're sweating profusely.
- You sure you're all right? - What? Yeah.
Oh, God, we smoked marijuana.
We were smoking pot.
We got high that day.
And it wasn't legal.
I know that.
I mean, I know you could have a prescription if you wanted, and obviously with my brother, we could get one.
I mean, it would be easy.
Any doctor would give us a prescription for him.
And we talk about it all the time.
We always talk about how we're gonna go get a prescription.
And then we get high, and then we forget.
'Cause, like, that's what happens.
So we never got it done.
But it was just a joint.
We just smoked one joint.
What's the big deal? - Mister - It wasn't even a big joint.
It wasn't a big zeppelin joint or anything.
It was just, like, a little, tiny pinner joint.
That's it.
It was one joint.
So what? - This is good, right? - Oh, this is beautiful.
Nugent? Mr.
There was some left in the box, but that was not enough to make another joint.
Not even another pinner joint.
I swear to God.
That's it.
Just the one joint.
Nugent, let me assure you that you are not on trial here today.
- Yeah, man, I know that.
- You understand that? - Sure.
- Okay.
Oh, God, I shoplifted a Spider-Man comic when I was 14 years old.
- The plot thickens.
- Mr.
Oh, it wasn't a Spider-Man.
It was a Casper.
It was a Casper comic, and I know that sounds really dumb, but Casper's really edgy.
- It's about a dead kid.
- Mr.
- It was tough.
- Mr.
Nugent, the perpetrators.
Are they in the courtroom today, and can you identify them? Yeah, yeah.
It's him and him.
- The defendants.
- We didn't smoke pot.
All right.
Thank you, Mr.
That's all.
- What? - You can step down now.
That went pretty well.
Finally live with myself.
You're a dickhead.
- Talking about weed in a courtroom.
- That's great.
- Thank you.
Good job.
- Jim.
- Yes.
- Whose shoe is that? - It's not really important right now.
Now, do me the honors.
What, you want me to straighten my hair? - Pull the cord off it.
- No, please, not my soku.
It's like a really good hair straightener.
Like a really, really good straightener.
Are you kidding me right now? You better pull that out.
You you shouldn't have nice things in my house.
Pull the cord! Bitch, didn't I tell you to put your head down?! Put your hands behind your back.
Come over here and tie them up.
I can't believe you.
You have the balls of a gnat.
Search all that shit.
There's nothing in there.
This hold any sentimental value? No.
That DVD player's a priceless family heirloom, so please don't take that.
God, Steve, it's amazing.
You're such a pussy.
You find the shit? No, man.
He's not a dealer.
- He ain't? - No, he's a comedian.
No shit.
Say something funny.
I don't really tell jokes, per se.
It's more stories and observations about life.
And it's a different medium.
I have some DVDs over there you could steal.
You might enjoy them.
Steve, can you still have children or have your ovaries dried up? Jesus.
- What about the girlfriend? - She's not my girlfriend.
What?! You are such an asshole, Jim.
We've only been seeing each other for a short time.
Why would you even say that? You're such an asshole.
- We're just seeing - You're an asshole.
So if she not your girlfriend, then you won't mind if we rape her? I do.
I do.
I'm gonna say yes, I do mind if you rape her.
She may not be my girlfriend, but she's a very nice lady.
Nice, Jim.
Thank you so much.
What a pussy.
You're a pussy, man.
[Screaming] [Dull thud] Jim! Jim! What'd you do that for? You next.
We got them.
Laid down a spike strip and blew their tires out.
All four of them? One of the perps claims he got this from you.
Is that true? No, sir, officer.
I don't even know what that is.
And if we find your fingerprints all over it? They made me touch it.
You ever been a drug dealer, Mr.
Nugent? No.
I mean, you know, if I hypothetically one time, like, maybe bought a bag of weed and then, like, maybe gave some of that to a friend and then he reimbursed me with some cash but just for the amount of the pot but not necessarily for any kind of profit or anything, that wouldn't make me a drug dealer.
Would it? Let me ask you again, Mr.
Have you ever dealt drugs? [Whimpering] Y no.
No? No.
- No.
- No.
No, I haven't.
- No, you haven't.
- No, I haven't.
Thank you, Mr.
- I appreciate your time.
- Yeah, yours, as well.
What about you, William? What about me, officer po-po? You want to tell me what happened? They was gonna waste my homeboy, so I pulled my o2, all right? Damn, he's a tough son of a bitch, huh? Yeah, he is.
What those guys did was horrible.
It was horrible and inexcusable, and I might have to go to therapy because of this.
Yes, ma'am.
- It's traumatic.
- It really is.
I mean, the almost rape was bad, but this is my Soku 6000.
[Voice breaking] They pulled the cord out.
What, they didn't have any rope? I have to suffer because they came unprepared? Like all hot girls, - she's a nightmare.
- Nice, Jim.
Again, thank you.
He almost had me raped.
All righty then.
We'll inform you of the trial date.
- Sorry about your hair thing.
- [Crying] Do you patrol around here often? Not too often.
Thank God we got Billy.
Look at Billy staring them down.
[Sighs] Billy better stop staring at them boys so hard.
Why? Because they got friends.
So does he.
[Laughs] Who? Steve and Jim? Please.
[Laughs] They made me glad I wasn't there, or I would've messed them up for messing with my Billy.
He's my Billy.
Don't worry.
I got this.
[Coughing] So then the white gentleman there, he moved my wheelchair into a corner and then he took my hand off of the control, and I can't move my arms.
Hey, everybody, shut up right now! [Coughs] - Am I dead? - Not yet.
But you did make me cut your ass.
So, I was stuck there, and with a lot of struggle, I was able to get my hand from my lap onto the control.
I'm sorry, man.
- Oh, my God, Jim, are you okay? - I'm all right.
I'm not dead.
Everything we need's already in the car.
Let's just go.
- They seen us.
- They're not gonna say anything.
I know they not.
Look, he's got kids.
- Yeah, I got a 6-year-old daughter.
- I got a 4-year-old son.
- What? - My daughter's mentally handicapped.
My son has cancer, and his mother also died of cancer.
Jim, I didn't know.
This is some genuinely depressing shit.
Shut the hell up! Man, you got the wallet and the cellphone, right? Yeah, PIN Numbers, too.
They're in the car.
Let's just go.
Okay, well, let's do this.
They were gonna kill my friends.
Did you think they would? Yes, sir.
I heard them.
One of them said, "they've seen our faces.
" And the other one said, "let's do this," like that.
Like threatening.
I maneuvered my wheelchair to.
To unplug my oxygen from the wall.
[Panting] [Beeping] Man, come on.
- What was that? - That's my brother.
- He needs oxygen.
- Shit.
He's gonna die, man.
[Coughing] Oh, shit, the little dude's dying.
No, I'm not getting life, man.
I'm out.
Billy! - He can't breathe.
- Oh, my God.
[Gasping] - Hi, Peg.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Okay, you're alive.
Hey, Peg, I still need oxygen.
[Gasping] Billy, what the hell are you doing? What were you thinking? You could've died, you asshole.
They were gonna kill you.
You saved our lives.
You guys are pussies.
[Laughs] [Laughs] Were you worried about your own safety? Oh, no, sir.
You see, I've already died three times.
And I'm really not afraid of dying anymore.
It's kind of a rush, actually dying.
The little dude is badass, man.
- You can step um, you can - I understand.
He is such a freakin' stud.
He's my hero.
I'm afraid of dying.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may be excused to deliberate your verdict.
That's my boy.
He is not.
Here comes the jury.
[Coughs] Here we go, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict? Will the defendants please rise? Mr.
Leon Taylor and Mr.
Dwayne Murphy, the jury finds you both guilty of robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, and battery.
You are hereby sentenced to serve the maximum penalty for all three counts, a minimum of seven years at the California Correctional Center.
Ladies and gentlemen, the court is adjourned.
[Gavel bangs] You got seven years in the hole, bitches.
Don't get ass raped.
[Dog barks] Where is the drugs? Hey, are you okay? I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm worried about you.
Don't worry about me.
I'm all right.
I've got 20 new minutes of new material.
This break-in stuff is killing it.
I'm telling you.
It's called PTSD, Jim.
I think you should see someone.
You Americans always have to see someone.
What, because I'm afraid of dying? I don't know.
Maybe you should move.
I can't do that.
I can't leave Steve alone with Billy.
Although Billy seems stronger than the rest of us, you know? I can't do that.
Get a gun? Lots of people do.
Protect themselves.
I'm not getting a gun.
Look, only stupid people get guns.
Smart people never have guns, right? Smart people suffer too much depression to own a gun.
Have you ever met a cheery professor or scientist? No.
Of course not.
'Cause they know what's going on in the world.
That's why they can't have guns.
Stupid people they can have guns.
I'm not getting a gun so as to protect you and me.
You could get a gun.
Thanks, Jim.
You're such an asshole.