Less Than Kind (2008) s03e02 Episode Script

Play It Again Sam

NARRATOR: Previously on Less Than Kind.
Have you got a plan on how I'm going to get my snuggles for the next five weeks? Sure, just call someone up.
Oh, Josh, I would never do-- I know you would never intentionally cheat, but accidents happen.
Accidents? See you in LA.
Josh, wait! Just got a tip about you.
What tip? You told them that I had chlamydia?! Well, thanks to you, I'm trapped in Winnipeg.
You hate me! Admit it! You hate me! Okay, fine! I hate you.
You're a rabbi.
You're not supposed to hate.
God.
What? Sam's dead.
What did you say? Dad's dead.
(Crying) So you want me to do the eulogy? Well, you're our rabbi.
Yes, but a friend could do it.
Did Sam have a best friend? Carl's out of town.
What about Uzzie? Oh.
That would be a disaster.
He'd be stoned.
Didn't Sam have a sister? Technically.
I'll do it.
I knew Dad the longest.
Actually, I think Mom knew Dad the longest.
Right.
Mom? I'll go make some tea.
Mom? Tea.
Clara, couldn't you speak? Uh, no.
Public speaking just really isn't my forte.
is traditional, isn't it? True.
Yes.
And I'm happy to do it.
But Josh is still a good idea.
He's the firstborn son, a trained actor.
I can tell people the story about why they met Kim Mitchell.
What does that story have to do with Dad? I'm his son.
I met Kim Mitchell.
Maybe we shouldn't have family do it.
I think you're right.
JOSH: Really? I really love that eulogy you did for my aunt.
Okay.
So, I'll do the eulogy.
And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim: "I Hate Winnipeg" (Woman moaning over computer) You're watching porn? Yeah.
It's Dad's funeral in six hours.
I know.
Maybe you shouldn't be watching porn.
Yeah, maybe.
(Volume turns off) (Sniffling) (Volume restored) (Sighing) We pushed off at 4:00 in the morning A little baby boat that we made Go out to sail for a living And write very tall tales for them We ate French toast for breakfast For 17 days in a row (Crying) You couldn't get a limo? They wanted $500.
Forget it.
I'm out of cigarettes.
We can stop.
No, we have to get there early.
Where the hell's Josh? He went to get a coat.
This is Dad's.
Take it, honey.
It's okay.
Let's go, already! Who's driving? Crap.
Can somebody fucking drive? (Garage door retracting) RABINOWITZ: Sam Blecher shared in our lives for many years.
As we look back at the yesterdays that we shared with him, we will always hold his memory as a keepsake in our hearts.
We remember with gratitude.
We remember with a saddened yet happy heart.
He was a prominent member of our community.
Teaching generations of people to drive defensively and safely.
Standard and automatic.
He did it all.
Left-hand turn, right-hand turn, three-point turn.
But always safety first.
I am honored to be able to have called him "friend.
" And today, as we all sit into silence, we miss you.
Each in our own personal way, which cannot be defined by mere words.
You will never be forgotten.
Thank you.
He didn't say anything about Dad.
Who are you talking about? Joshy, I am so sorry that this happened-- Sheldon, do you hear bullshit? I'm sorry for your loss.
Mwah.
(Blubbering) Uzzie.
Thanks for coming.
Hey.
So sorry, man.
I miss your dad.
What did you think of the eulogy? Why'd you get Rabinowitz? Why not? Because he hated your dad.
Whoa.
I knew they didn't get along-- No, no, no.
He hated him.
You should have asked me.
I would have torn that shit up.
(Gasping) (Sighing) Where did that fucking come from? Rabbi.
Yes, Sheldon.
Yes.
You're going to my dad's house, right? For shivah? After the burial? I may have to go home first.
It's, uh, my, uh, dog.
Clara.
Oh, thank you for coming.
I'm worried about Anne.
I know.
She hasn't cried yet.
She's still in shock, I think.
No, that's my coat she's going through.
Oh.
Okay, uh She just lost her husband.
I know, and normally I wouldn't ask.
Ask what? Those cigarettes are, like, $15 a pack.
Oh.
I see.
Great.
Sorry for your loss.
(All panting) Wow.
That was good.
Yeah.
Anne? We're waiting at the car.
We've got it all When the flowers are blooming When the leaves fall (Door closing) I love You I love You Oh, my God.
I hope you don't mind I came.
Sure.
You knew Sam.
Yeah.
So, how are you? Sold the business.
Really? Yeah.
They offered me twice what it was worth.
I owe you for that.
I was in such great shape when, you know Thank you for coming, Jack.
I'm trying.
Why shouldn't we be friends? One: Because I like my friends, Jack; and two: Because you left me to have sex with a younger woman.
Oh, it wasn't just sex.
Oh, no? Just stop.
Please.
It's shivah.
I'm here to comfort.
Okay.
Fine.
Anyway, if it gives you any comfort, we haven't had sex since she got pregnant.
You're having a baby.
I can't do it.
It's like I feel like I'm screwing my baby's head.
It totally creeps me out.
I got to go.
Clara.
Yes, Jack? Sorry for your loss.
JOSH: Your dad was such a character.
You must be completely devastated.
Oh, I am.
Well, you're just not I mean, you look good.
You're holding up well.
I'm devastated, Gabor.
I'm devastated.
Great.
I mean, I don't mean "great.
" I mean, it's good that you're devastated.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Don't worry, Danny.
We'll get through this.
Get off me, homo.
What is with you? Sheldon, I can't imagine You-- This whole-- You know, a dad.
And a son.
When I-- (Crying) I guess the wrong dad died, huh? What? You want to get high? Uh, no.
Really not the time, Danny.
Sheldon? Joshy! (Screaming) (Grunting) Get off of me! (Groaning) Please! I want to look out for you! Now you're killing me.
No, you're killing me.
Really can't breathe.
Oh, is that better? Yeah.
Whoa! (Screaming) Josh, wait.
I just want to kiss you and hug you and love you.
You're not good at any of those things.
I know what you need.
No! My father's dead.
And because of you, America thinks I have chlamydia.
I need you to go.
(Whimpering) You ready to go in? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
Dad, I don't know what he needs me to say.
Then, honey, say whatever you want.
Okay.
You ready? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
Sorry.
Miriam, if you need to take more time-- Dad, I'm ready now.
Okay? You're sure? Yeah.
Yeah.
(Crying) I was trying to image how you were feeling.
So, how do you feel? Well, I'm a mess, Danny.
Oh, well, you don't look it.
Why? What does a mess look like? Um Well Yeah.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
(Sighing) Sheldon? Hi.
Are you holding up okay? Good.
Good, good.
And Josh? He's holding up? I think so.
Good.
Okay.
Good, good.
How's your mom doing? I'm not so sure.
Right.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I'm not any good at this.
I never know what to say.
I remember you and Dad would always wind up drinking and laughing in the corner.
(Laughing) Hey.
Too many people? Oh.
You're doing great.
Thanks.
What's this? It's Dad's old computer.
I found the letters.
Oh, the famous letters.
Oh, God bless Trudeau.
He was the only one who ever wrote back.
Yeah, I read that one.
You seen your mom? She's just heading out back.
Okay.
Oh, the rabbi's leaving.
You might want to say goodbye.
He just got here.
(Door closing) (Blowing nose) (Crying) Did you hate my dad? Sheldon, you're upset.
Yeah, because you hated my dad.
"Hate's" a bit word.
This morning you said you were proud to have him as a friend.
Is that the truth, Rabbi? (Sighing) You're a liar.
Sheldon, you're a smart kid.
But I'm asking you, don't persist.
Your whole eulogy was a lie.
You hated him! I did what I was asked to do.
What you asked me to do.
I'm your rabbi.
I didn't have a choice in that.
So it's okay to hate and lie.
Okay! I didn't like him.
Damn it, you're just like him.
Always insisting when you shouldn't.
And that is no disrespect to his memory.
You came to this shivah for 10 minutes.
That's respect? Your father has passed away.
Let's leave well enough alone.
I have to get going.
Yeah, good luck with that.
(Air hissing) You slashed my tire.
Sorry for your loss.
You slashed my tire? We just got here.
Rabbi, you forgot something? I need to call CAA.
(Panting) (Sniffling) (Door opening) (Footsteps approaching) I'm sorry I missed you at the airport.
I was waiting for you when I got the call that my dad died.
Your dad died.
Really? You're going to use that as an excuse? What? I had four suitcases.
They were really heavy.
Do you know what you are? You're a selfish prick.
(Laughing) Thank you for that.
I'm so sorry.
Sheldon, you slashed the rabbi's tire? He fucking deserved it! Anne.
Hey.
Jack.
Thank you for coming.
Sorry for your loss.
Boy, I like Sam.
Although I was worried it wasn't mutual.
Really? Yeah.
I could never tell with him.
He used to give me this look, like he thought I was an idiot.
Yeah.
He didn't care for you.
Okay.
Thought I might have misread.
No.
Your instincts are good.
Well, I should get going.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much for coming.
Yeah.
(Snorting) Finally.
A party bro.
Whoa, hold it.
I don't smoke with anybody under 21.
How old are you? I'm over 21.
This is tasty shit, bro.
Uzzie, Phil needs you inside.
I'm there! Careful with that.
This one's for you, Sam.
(Objects rattling and crashing) (Coughing) LUBBE: Like my dad during the war.
Mm-hm.
(Crying) All the stories I could tell you Okay.
are as cold, as dark.
Japanese everywhere.
And he's all alone.
Josh, your dad's trapped in the shed! (Crying) What? It could be a raccoon, but it's making noise.
Okay, I'll go check it out.
You Lubbes do what you do.
(Door opening) Can you dial down the freak show for, like, two seconds? My dad died too, you know.
Ten years ago.
I still miss him.
And you're going to miss me when I'm gone.
(Snorting) Were you going to hug me? No! But you can hug me.
(Crying) How could he not like him?! He knew my dad for 20 years! I hope he gets cancer! Whoa, whoa.
Sheldon, calm down.
Then explain that to me.
Sheldon, the rabbi only knew one side of your dad, and honestly, your dad was What? An asshole? No! Wrong.
Sammy wasn't an asshole.
Tell him about the gun.
Exactly.
I knew that for sure.
The day he shot me in the eye.
What? When your dad and I were both teenagers, he used to run with this tough kid named Meyer.
Now that's an asshole.
Oh, yeah.
This one day, they're busting my chops about my record collection.
And your dad pulls out this gun, points it at me and says, "Tell me you hate the Beatles.
" I don't know it's a starter's pistol, but Sam does so he fires.
And a spark goes in my eye.
I collapse on the floor in agony.
Meyer is laughing his ass off.
And your dad picks me up like a rag doll and runs me All the way down Selkirk.
to the clinic.
He wouldn't leave, even when my dad smacked him.
(All chuckling) Then why does the rabbi hate him? It's not about your dad, Sheldon.
UZZIE: It's like we always used to say.
The rabbi was born with a birth defect.
What defect? No sense of humor.
No sense of humor.
Rabinowitz sees the world in black and white.
Your dad lived in color.
(Rattling and crashing) (Screaming) (Groaning) What are you doing out here? I wanted to stay close in case you needed me.
Oh, you're bleeding.
I'm so, so, so sorry.
(Sighing) Forgive you.
I'm over here.
Help! I love You Go to Mommy.
Thank you.
You Rabbi.
Can I get you anything? No, I'm good.
You know, Anne, I didn't really consider Sam a friend.
Oh, I know.
In my eulogy I said he was my friend.
Anyway, I just want to apologize.
It's okay.
Could you pass that on to Sheldon? Yeah.
And give him this too.
(People laughing) What's going on in there? COMPUTER: Dear Terry Fox, as you have failed to complete the so-called Marathon of Hope Oh, jeez! (All chattering and laughing) I must insist that you return my pledge of $17.
50.
(All laughing) Sincerely yours, Sam Blecher.
You want to hear another one? ALL: Yeah! Do the one about the Jets.
No, no, no, snow removal.
It's classic.
What is this? Sam's famous letters to the editor.
They're hilarious.
Oh, good.
(Computer beeping) From the desk of Sam Blecher.
Halfway Up Your Ass, Winnipeg, Manitoba.
Dear Mr.
Cavynuck, last month I brought to your attention that the city had filled my driveway with snow and towed my car.
In that letter, I respectfully asked you to go fuck yourself.
(All laughing) I am curious to know if you have, in fact, fucked yourself.
If you are fucking yourself as you read this, please disregard this note.
(All laughing) Cordially, Sam Blecher.
(All applauding) (Anne sniffling and crying) Play it again.
(Computer beeping) We've got it all When the flowers are blooming When the leaves fall I love You