Less Than Kind (2008) s03e04 Episode Script

Coming Around

Previously on Less Than Kind.
You know your friend David has a gambling problem.
They were gonna hurt him.
God, what did you do? We paid them off.
Where did you get the money? I embezzled it.
- You stole all our money! - Mom! You did not just go there.
Why shouldn't we be friends? Because you left me to have sex with a younger woman.
Wasn't just sex.
Miriam had a thing with a French guy.
None of your business.
So I just gotta wear it? - But you fucked him.
- Sheldon! Slut.
We're starting.
This way.
Chem class is this way.
No, they moved it to the choir room.
What? Yeah, you gotta come.
Is this about Sheldon? If I say yes, you're not gonna come.
If I say no, I'm lying.
Way to put me on the spot, Miriam.
I don't want to talk to him, Danny.
Then just listen to him.
And hear him call me a slut again.
You know he won't.
Now, come on.
This way! (Choir singing Handel's "Hallelujah" chorus.
) Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle-lu-jah! This is one of your favourites, right? Yeah.
I knew that and I thought it might make a nice backdrop to my apology.
Miriam, I'm sorry I called you a slut.
I'm so ashamed I said that Please forgive me.
And while you chew on my apology, chew on this.
It's your favourite, right? Uh Mm-hm.
Big finish.
Halle-lu-jah! Thanks, guys.
So what did you think? How did you get the The whole choir? It was not easy, let me tell you.
I'm tutoring Gail Everchuk in math, I'm editing an essay on the migratory patterns of geese and I'm defragging Mr.
Lehay's laptop.
A bunch of other stuff.
So what did you think? This is very nice.
So we're cool? If you can look me in the eye and tell me that you don't blame me for what happened.
We weren't going out then, and I sent you that nasty note.
It's so my fault.
So you don't blame me.
How could I? You were a free agent.
Sheldon, I need to hear you say you don't blame me.
I have no right to blame you for anything.
He's not answering the question.
Yeah, I noticed.
Are we past this? God, guys.
How many times do I have to answer this question? Once.
Just tell her you don't blame her! I've said it, like, three times now.
No, you keep saying weird stuff like a fucked-up robot.
Come on! Sheldon, do you blame me for When you slept with that guy in Paris, we weren't going out then, so Thanks a lot, Danny! You were free and clear, so I have no right (Danny faking death spasms) Up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim: "I "hate Winnipeg" ANNE: Okay, well, let me see where we can schedule you.
How is later this week? Uh, next week.
I mean, definitely next week.
No, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
I don't how much longer I can stall people.
God, we only have two cars.
Once we get the other one out of Henley's shop, we'll be back on track.
Don't worry about it.
Go already.
(Clanging) Guess what fell off the car? - Oh no! - Oh my God! What happened? The muffler, it fell off the car.
Has Henley fixed the other car yet? Yeah, but he won't let us take the fixed one until we pay for it.
What? You know what? Maybe it's time I go down and have a little mano a mano with Henley.
I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.
(Laughing) That's so sweet.
What? God, where did all the money go? What? Whoa, Mom.
Do not go there! (Gasping) I wasn't going there.
Honey, I wasn't going there.
I really wasn't.
You're gonna be late.
Ohh! You know what? I'm gonna take care of Henley.
(Laughing) Hey! I can do this! Dad's gone.
I'm the man of this house! You know what? You're right.
I'm sorry.
And I appreciate you taking care of things.
No problem.
This is what adults do.
They take care of things.
What? I need money for gas! Henley.
Oh, look.
Its Son of Sam again.
Just came by to tell you the bullshit stops now.
Oh, what a momentous occasion.
Did everybody hear that? The bullshit stops now.
Henley Wait, wait.
Let me write this down.
What time did the bullshit stop? Right, 10:42.
At 10:42, the bullshit stopped.
Enough! This is how this is gonna go down, okay? I'm gonna leave this car and you're gonna fix it at a discount.
And then I'm gonna get into our other car and I'm gonna drive it away.
You left out the part where you pay me.
Oh, we're gonna pay you.
For sure.
Oh, for sure! (Laughing) You didn't say for sure.
That makes all the difference.
For sure! Excuse me while I go down to the bank and put your "for sure" on my fucking mortgage.
No, wait.
I have a better idea.
Fuck you.
No, fuck you! Ha ha! Okay, okay.
Here is my deal.
You owe me $900.
This one gonna cost you $900 too.
You haven't even looked at it yet! $1100.
How do you live with yourself? Hey, you want to know what I had for dinner last night, Son of Sam? There was chicken and then there were green beans and mashed potatoes.
What is wrong with this picture? I just want to get my car fixed! What is wrong is, I had chicken the night before.
I didn't want chicken.
I wanted steak.
But I only get steak if I have 70% of my current bills paid out.
If I have 85%, I get lobster.
If I have 100%, I get a hooker.
I have dinner with a hooker.
Then it doesn't matter what I eat because I get a hooker.
This is bullshit! Uh-oh.
At 10:44, the bullshit started again.
It's a great plan.
It's not a plan.
It's a great plan! What plan? Put you and Miriam in a room together and then "boom!" That's the same plan you told me only you added "boom.
" Hey, listen.
Most people, when they step in shit, they get shit on themselves.
I still have shit on me from shit I stepped on five years ago but you, Sheldon Blecher, when you step in shit, you also fix the shit.
So I'm a shit fixer.
You are the shit fixer.
You're Shit Fixer Man sent to our planet as a little tiny baby to fix our shit.
Now, put you and Miriam in a room together, you can't help it.
You're gonna have to fix that shit.
It's your destiny.
Fix that shit.
Fix that shit.
Fix that shit! Okay.
I guess I'll go and try and fix that shit.
Boom! (Door slamming) Oh.
Here, look.
Stewart booked four more lessons.
Good for business, huh? Yeah.
Um Annie, I'm figuring out a way to pay the company back.
I cannot stand having this between us anymore.
Oh, honey, it's not I didn't mean No, I am gonna find the money somehow.
I'm gonna take out a loan or cash out some mutual funds.
I just needed you to know that.
Honey, you really don't have to.
No, I really do.
SHELDON: Listen, I'm just saying MIRIAM: You're not saying anything! Just listen! You are such a jerk! He's such a fucking jerk! What happened? Boom.
(Knocking on door) Hello, Jack.
Congratulations on the baby.
Thank you.
I assume you and your breasts aren't here for small talk.
No, so I'll get right to it.
Your engagement ring! Yes, it's mine and I want it.
Yeah! I don't see that happening.
Well, make it happen.
I have maintained my legal obligations and I am in no way bound to even respond to that comment.
This need not be contentious, sir.
I am merely claiming that which belongs in my possession.
I believe you gave up possession of said ring when you threw it in the vicinity of my said face.
Are you referring to the day I discovered panties in your vehicle? I am unaware of the ring's whereabouts.
Are you saying that you lost it, sir? I was unable to maintain the ring.
Then I will take the cash equivalent of the ring in its stead, $8000.
You mean 5000.
I lied about the cost.
That money is mine! Let me digest that.
We had an agreement.
You signed it.
I owe you and your tits a grand total of nothing.
You're a total ass! DANNY: Sheldon.
Sheldon! SHELDON: In here.
What are you doing? You never come home for lunch.
What's going on? What's going on is, I'm giving up.
I did not just hear you say that.
Miriam doesn't want my apology.
She doesn't want to be my girlfriend and now she doesn't even want to be my friend.
So you're running out on me.
You? This is about me and Miriam.
And me! Damn, you're selfish.
Don't say that.
Don't say you're giving up.
I won't say it.
Where are you going? We got school, remember? I just got here! Clara? Oh my God, Barbara! Shh.
Please, could you keep it down? What? I don't want to wake the baby.
Yeah, of course.
Thank you.
You're so sweet.
(Microphone squeal) Oh no.
MAN, LOUDLY: More cashiers to the front, please.
Fuck! Thanks, jack-off! You woke him up! Ow! Are you in labour? I fucking wish! This little cocksucker is kicking the shit out of me! Do you have any booze on you? Just chocolate.
Is there anything I can do? Yeah, you could do me a huge favour and carry this fucking thing for me.
Ow! Ow! Oh! (Groaning) Wow, nice ring.
What? Nothing.
Stop it! Stop it! Can you believe this bullshit? He just made me pee.
Ow! All right, you little bastard! Don't you make me come in there! She's okay.
(Slamming) Oh, good.
You're home.
How did it go with Henley? Everything get straightened out? All over it.
Henley did not know what hit him.
So he fixed the car? I did not give him much choice.
That is great! You can take the lesson with Jonas.
You know where he lives, right? Uh, yeah.
So get going! Mom? Sorry, Josh, I gotta pee.
So proud of you, Joshy! (Peeing) Hi, Mrs.
Ah! Danny, what are you doing? Having a bath.
Why are you having a bath, Danny? Because I'm stressed! And I think I used all your Fa.
Well, where's Sheldon? School, I guess.
Well I'm go downstairs.
I'll maybe I'll put up for some tea.
Why don't you join me when you'll be ready? Ok.
So he called her a slut.
And he knows it's his fault but he still blames her? He's a a broken man, Mrs.
I knew he was up to something.
Well, he's not up to anything.
That's the problem.
Dammit, I should have said something!! Can't you say something now? Yes.
And I will.
Thank you! You surprise me, Danny Lubbe.
Yeah? Why? I thought until now, you always seemed just a little bit Delinquent? That work keeps showing up on my file.
Well, they missed "awesome.
" Mrs.
Blecher? Oh! How are you, sweetie? I've had better days.
So I heard.
I was looking for Sheldon.
He wasn't in English class.
Maybe he skipped? Oh.
Maybe you and I could talk.
He's no apologizing.
He's just yelling at me.
I don't get it.
I'm gonna talk to him.
He won't talk to you.
My son will talk to me.
Okay, he'll talk but he won't say what he's really thinking.
I don't know how he does it but he's got a real gift.
That sounds like his father.
That doesn't sound like my Sheldon.
Tell me about it.
SHELDON: What's going on here? Hi, honey.
Miriam and I were just talking.
About what? About you, actually.
Really? You brought my mom into this.
No, she didn't.
Danny was at the house.
Oh, Danny told on me? What are we, six? - No, but you've been acting like it.
- Miriam.
You know what? Fuck this! Sheldon! You guys are unbelievable! Welcome to my world.
Okay, signal.
(Car rattling) Shoulder check and ease on the gas.
(Odd car noises) Did I do that? It's just the car.
Stay in the middle.
(Car sputtering) Should it be making that sound? Just stay in the middle, okay? I smell smoke.
Dude it's Winnipeg! Okay? Now, there's a stop sign coming.
What do we do? Foot off the gas.
Ease on the break.
Foot off the gas.
Ease on the break.
Do it now.
Do it.
Now! Stop sign! Stop! (Car honking) Oh my God.
Should I try the parking brake? - No, you idiot! - No? Yes, yes! Do it! Brake! Not stopping! What do we do? Bail! - What? - Save yourself! (Jonas screaming) (Jonas screaming) Bail! Please don't die! Please don't die! Ah (Knocking) Okay.
Put your tits away.
I'll just the way I like, okay? Okay.
And I will inform you that a restraining orders may be forthcoming.
How do you think your psycho, belly-yelling wife will take the news that you proposed to her with my old engagement ring? I don't know what you're talking about.
I just left your wife in a supermarket screaming at her belly.
How about I give her something to really scream about? You can't, Clara.
My life is already a nightmare.
She treats me like an employee.
She abuses me.
Please, I beg you! Don't tell her.
I won't.
If you pay me the full value of the ring in cash.
What you told me it was worth, $8000.
You're blackmailing me? And loving it.
Oh my God, you're getting off on this.
$8000, Jack.
Agreed? Wow.
Eight large.
Okay, okay.
Fine, I'll give you the eight but I want to see your tits right now.
What? Fuck you.
Wait! What? Just throw in a titty flash.
You're so disgusting.
And you're blackmailing me! Nobody has the moral high ground here.
You and your tits and the ring and Barbara I'm in the fucking mud here.
Come on.
Everybody wins.
Come on, please? Oh my God, you're pathetic.
And you have great tits.
In installments.
And I give you all the petty cash that I have, today, and sneak you a grand a week.
Deal? Sit.
God, I miss you guys.
I'll get you your cash.
(Josh whimpering) Don't be dead! Don't be dead! Don't be dead! Don't be dead! So I'm sorry, Mom.
It's okay, sweetie.
Who's that on the phone? Is that the police? It was Sheldon.
Why would the police be calling? I don't know, sometimes they just call people.
It's a one-way street.
I don't know! Jesus, get off my back! What? What's going on, Josh? Fuck off, mom! Josh! Sorry, what did I say? What? I'm sorry.
Josh! (Slamming door) I just got a very disturbing phone call.
That's weird because Mom just got off the phone with Sheldon.
Did you abandon a student in a moving car with no brakes? ANNE: What?? (Scoffing) Who told you that? The parents of the student you abandoned in the car with no brakes! Josh! You weren't there! It was a situation! It was survival of the fittest.
It was kill or be killed! Oh my God, is he all right? I'm fine.
Jonas is fine.
It took me about 20 minutes but I think I talked his parents down.
What were you thinking? I yelled "bail.
" I take it Henley didn't fix the car! Because he's too busy being out of his fucking mind.
Josh, when you tell someone you're gonna take care of things, you actually have to take care of things! - Do you understand what I'm saying? - Yes, ma'am.
This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go pay Henley.
You gonna pick up the car.
$900, right? He does this thing sometimes then it's 1100.
Well, after I call him, it'll be nine.
You drive over to the kid's house that you tried to kill and you apologize.
Then you give his father $500.
Do you think you can handle that?? (Sobbing) $500? Annie, they were gonna sue! Lucky for us you went to the bank today.
What? Yeah.
Lucky me.
(School bell ringing) Hey.
It's this way.
We're going to Geography.
Yeah, they changed it to the choir room.
No, no, no.
We are not doing this again.
It'll be different this time.
Really? Just trust me.
You tricked me twice already.
Well, just let me trick you one last time.
Okay, so? Thanks for coming.
It's okay, you don't have to talk.
I mean, you can talk if you want to.
You don't need my permission.
I mean I'm starting this wrong.
I love you.
You know, first time I said that to you, something happened inside me.
It was such a big feeling.
And I was sure it would go on forever.
But I wrecked it.
I get that.
And I hate myself for it.
I don't blame you.
And I never did.
The feelings I was feeling just felt like blame.
So I'm sorry.
That's all I got.
I'm trying to forget The times I never called The slipping of my mind The lines that you abhor I'm starting to regret The words I never said And keeping constant score A foot out of the door Is this everything to me? And is this everything to me? And is this everything to me? And is this everything to me? Though repeat mistakes are often spiraling Still you never let me go You never let me go Oh, you never let me go