Less Than Kind (2008) s03e13 Episode Script

March Fourth

1 MIRIAM: Previously on Less Than Kind Can I help you? I'm here for your inspection.
You're working for Killigan's, aren't you? Blecher's is shut down.
Is that Walter Guritch? That little weasel rat.
What are you saying? I think I just fucked myself.
- You know this is kidnapping, right? - Shut it.
So, what's the name of your band? "Guitarded"? No, we are called "Derrick Sucks Ass.
" No kid's gonna spend 10 bucks to see a garage band that played a grand total of once.
So what? As long as you an Miriam are there, I'm fine with that.
I'm Josh.
I'm the ex-boyfriend.
You probably heard a lot about me.
Actually, no.
What the fuck did you just say to me? I love you? Okay! You're mad.
That's cool.
I love your spirit.
Stop speaking! Marry me! (Screaming) Shandra Yeah That's her name Yes SHELDON: Josh? (Muttering) Josh! What? Do you think it's weird? Do I think what's weird? What have we been talking about for the last 10 minutes? Sheldon, no offense, but sometimes I just nod my head while your lips move.
Is it weird to make Mom an anniversary card again this year? I've made her one every year since I was five.
That is the worst idea I've ever heard.
and gluing it back into its shell.
Why do I even bother talking to you? Took the words right out of my mouth.
What? How do you feel about being the best man at my wedding? You're not getting married.
I'm totally getting married.
I proposed to Shandra last night.
And she responded to your proposal by smashing a garbage can into your face.
I don't think there's a culture on this planet that would interpret that as a yes.
You weren't there.
You didn't see her hesitate.
Hesitate before smashing a garbage can into your face? She texted me a dozen times since then.
All variations of "fuck you.
" Once means "fuck you.
" Twice could still mean "fuck you.
" But a dozen? It means "I do.
" Okay Mom? Mom? What? Hey.
What's going on? Just wanted to see how you were doing.
Oh, I'm fine.
Why wouldn't I be fine? I don't know.
Just thought today might be a stressful day for you.
It is.
It's a very stressful day.
Oh, um, is there anything I can do to help? No! No, no, no.
Uh, yes.
Don't go in the garage.
It's-- I'm doing something in there.
It's important, and secret.
An important secret.
I won't go in the garage.
Good! Oh, thank you.
Uh, so, have fun-- Oh, is today a school day? Yes, it's Friday.
Have fun at school.
WALTER: Itches What have you done? Would you quit squirming around? Jesus.
I don't know.
WALTER: Let me go.
What are we gonna do with him? Fucked if I know.
And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim: "I Hate Winnipeg" Ladies and gentlemen, we are Derrick Sucks Ass! Whoo! (Playing music poorly) Rock it! Bring it on! Huh! Whoo! God, we're awful.
We completely suck.
It's like practicing makes us worse.
(Laughing) So? Again? Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, we are Derrick Sucks Ass! (Playing music poorly) ANNE: Can't you see he's petrified? Can't you at least take the bag off his head? No, I can't take the bag off his head.
If I take the bag off his head, what-- He's gonna know who you are.
Anne Blecher.
145 Westminster.
Please take this bag off my head.
Okay Oh, Walter.
Are you okay? Can I get you something to drink? So you can poison me? Why would we poison you? Why would you want to kidnap me? You know perfectly well why I kidnapped you.
We've gotta let him go.
We can't let him go.
He's gonna go to the cops.
Not necessarily.
Use your head! Of course he will! Walter Jim was drunk, and he acted impulsively.
And, um, he was just trying to make a point.
Sure, I get it.
Look, these things happen.
Just let me go.
I'll go straight home.
The police don't have to be involved.
(Doorbell ringing) Help! Police! Help! I'm down here! Shut your fucking cake hole! Sorry! Sorry.
It was an accident.
Oh, no, don't-- (Muffled voices and commotion) Hey! Come in! Josh, did you mean what you said last night? Hell yes.
I meant every word of it.
Now come in, it's cold.
Why now? Say something! I don't know what to say.
Um, now I know it's different, but everything that I'm thinking right now, I've already said before.
Only, I didn't mean it then, because I was trying to get laid.
But I don't want you to think that I'm trying to get laid right now, because a part of me is trying to get laid, but that is not the part of me that doesn't know what to say right now.
See? That's why I didn't want to say anything! I accept.
Oh! Okay! I'm happy! Don't get me wrong.
I just thought that this moment would have a little more heat.
One second.
(Doorbell ringing) Ahh! Ahh! Tell me you love me.
I love you! I love you more! I fucking love you.
I love you more! I fucking love you.
I fucking love you.
Watch out for the-- (Footsteps) Well, if we can't keep him, what is the plan? We can't keep him.
This piece of shit-- He's been taking bribes from Killigan's for the better part of a year.
Tell her.
Tell her.
That was filthy.
Tell her! Don't hurt me.
Walter, no one is going to hurt you.
He's gonna hurt me.
His mouth is saying no, but his eyes are saying, "Hurt him.
Hurt Walter Guritch.
" Walter, you look at me.
I promise you that no one is gonna touch a single hair on your head.
You promise me? I promise.
What? Why is he gonna confess now? There's nothing to confess! What? You've been on the take from Killigan's! I barely even heard of Killigan's.
See?! It doesn't matter.
We cannot keep him here.
You really want to let him go? Yes! Okay, let him go.
You know what's going to happen? Yes.
What? We go to jail.
(Laughing) Train tracks.
Oh! ALL: Aww Aww KID: So dreamy! I'm sure some of you are recognizing photos of yourselves from grade nine, when you began your march into the glory and madness we call high school.
Can anyone tell me today's date? Uh, May 3rd.
Not even trying.
December 15th.
It is March 4th-- the only day of the year which is also an imperative-- an order: "march forth.
" A few short weeks from now, you will be marching out of this school together for the last time.
Look to your left.
Look to your right.
A year from now, you could be 1,000 miles apart.
Graduation is rushing at you at the speed of life.
I feel like a mother sea turtle, and you, my babies, are about to hatch.
Some of you will be eaten by hawks, others shall die under the wheels of a transport trailer.
A lucky few will be come soup, but if even one of you makes it to the sea, then my job here is done.
March forth, my little sea turtles.
Class dismissed.
ANNE: Yes.
WALTER: I vote yes.
I say no.
But that's two votes to let him go.
He doesn't get a vote.
Oh, I see.
I get kidnapped and I don't get to vote.
CLARA: Annie? Oh! Ee-yah Annie? Clara.
Oh Oh, I know.
It's hard, right? What's hard? Your first one without Sam.
Oh My god It's my anniversary.
Happy anniversary, honey.
Oh! (Laughing) (Strained laughing) (Sobbing and laughing) Oh Shh WALTER: Help! Police! What was that? Walter Guritch.
That son of a bitch is back? Well Hi.
Oh, my god.
Is this what it looks like? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's what it looks like.
Oh, well, this is a new low.
This piece of shit was taking money from Killigan's to put you people out of business.
Did he admit it? I admit nothing.
Can you prove it? No.
This ends now.
What are you doing? What's she doing? What's she doing with that? Hang on now.
Out of my way.
I'm just gonna clean up your mess.
I'm just gonna cut him loose.
Guess we should just untie him.
Miss Blecher-- Oh, Jesus! Oh! Sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
No, you-- You just scared me.
I didn't know you were here.
Uh, Josh and I are back together.
Yeah! Actually, as a matter of fact, we're engaged.
Um Could you do me a favour, and just don't go in the garage.
Oh, Shandra, Shandra! Would you tell Josh don't go in the garage, too.
(Playing guitar) You guys are late.
Yeah, we're here now.
So, where are you guys going to university? What was that? What was what? I asked you guys where you were going to university, and you gave her the look.
What look? That look.
Um Miriam and I have both been accepted at McGill.
Okay, hold it.
Sheldon, didn't you say you were going to U of T? You got the McGibney scholarship.
I'm turning it down.
I'm going to McGill with you.
You're turning down your dream opportunity to go to Montreal with me? Yeah.
That is so messed up! Uh, excuse me! I got accepted into the hospitality course at Red River College in Winnipeg.
Thank you for asking.
So, how are we gonna work? Guys, don't worry, we'll-- we'll figure this out.
It's March 4th.
We got all the time in the world.
Is that better? Hmph.
It's cold outside.
Do you need a scarf, Walter? Okay.
Are you sure you don't need a ride home? I don't ride with kidnappers.
That's not how I roll.
Now I'm gonna go straight home.
And do you wanna know what the first thing I'm gonna do is, after feeding my cat? You're gonna call the cops.
Blah, blah, blah.
Damn right I am.
And you, and you, and you, all going to jail.
What? You are not going to the police.
I'm feeding my cat, taking a warm mint-and-lavender bath, and then I'm gonna call the cops.
Yeah? Well, I think that Jim is right, and that you are a government employee who's taking illegal bribes from a private company, which means that you have money stashed somewhere, and you don't want anyone snooping around.
Try me.
Yeah? Go ahead.
Call them.
It's 9, then 1, then 1.
Think I'm bluffing? Walter Guritch don't play no bluff.
No, he just yaps.
Come on, Walter, let's go.
Make your fucking call, or go back to your mint-lavender bath or whatever.
You should try one sometime.
They're very calming.
Oh, we dodged that bullet.
I-- I think we've made a little mistake here.
All that and we still have nothing.
We're still shut down.
We have no proof that he did anything.
Well, we don't need proof.
Not unless we're going to court, or to the police.
That's right.
Who else is there to go to? Killigan's.
Oh, yeah, right! Yeah, and add blackmail to kidnapping.
That's a brilliant idea.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
We need little fucker back in that chair.
Hey, why don't we steal a baby while we're at it, huh? You gonna help? Seriously? We're really gonna do this? You go north, we'll go south.
Call if you see him.
You got a cell phone? Seriously? Seriously! Oh, God.
Oh, Clara, thank God it's you.
How long have you been here? A couple hours.
Josh is sleeping.
We've been, uh, reconnecting.
Oh, that's great.
Gotta go.
Oh, so-- so did Anne tell you? Hm? About me and Josh? Huh? No, no, Anne didn't say anything about you.
Really? Unbelievable.
I really need to talk to a friend.
Oh, good! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Great.
Go ahead and call one, okay? 'Cause I'm busy.
Really bad day.
We're getting married.
Baby, when you say my name, it almost sounds absurd I don't wanna hear that mockingbird JIM: Hey, buddy.
ANNE: Walter, get in the car.
Ah! Walter get in the goddamn car! It's locked.
(School bell ringing) Hey.
We don't have to decide anything for two weeks.
Uh, please.
You have to take that scholarship.
You need to go to U of T.
I want to go to McGill.
Please stop saying that.
Why? I want to be with you.
Okay, we already talked about this.
We are not dating.
And? And we're not not-dating either.
Which I like more.
Me, too.
What if we get to Montreal and this doesn't happen? What if I go to Toronto and it could've? Okay, the whole point of not not-dating was to avoid pressure.
This is pressure.
No they don't! They don't care at all! Yes, they do! They don't, Josh.
Okay, then who cares about my family? I mean, you're not marrying my mom, or my aunt.
You're marrying me, and you know I love you! Do you? I do! I love you.
Forget about my family.
I mean, they're my family, and I love them, but fuck them! This is about you and me.
I want to propose properly with a ring.
I don't need a ring.
You're getting a ring, and we're going to Stravinsky's.
Well, I better get dressed up then! Who is this Josh Blecher? Baby, I just can't wait till our wedding day when I become Mr.
Josh Blecher.
Aww! WALTER: Ow! What the hell? Why do I even need the bag? I already know where you live.
JIM: Will you just shut up? WALTER: That feels kind of mean, actually.
Why are we stopped? Hi, sweetie.
Oh Take Walter into the garage.
Come on, Walter.
Hey, Joshie.
Um the okay Uh, Jim Sheridan and Mommy, we kidnapped Walter Guritch.
Who's Jim Sheridan? He works for Killigan's.
Well, he worked for Killigan's.
They'll probably fire him after this.
For kidnapping? Kidnapping Walter Guritch.
Who's Walter Guritch? Remember? He used to work for the DMV? And your dad used to pay him off to pass students? Well, now he works for the government.
You kidnapped someone who works for the government? Isn't that kind of a big deal? It's gonna be okay! Would you get your video camera, and we can tape the confession.
Yours? No, Walter Guritch's.
The kidnapped victim is gonna confess? Get your camera! Come on! Okay.
Yeah! Ow! Good.
Let's go.
Okay, Walter.
We all go home.
You know what's waiting for me at home? My ex-girlfriend's 29-year-old cat, who only lets me touch him when its colostomy bag is full.
I've got all night.
Walter, just do the right thing here.
Oh, is the right thing going to jail? Because if I'm going to jail for taking bribes, then you're all going to jail for kidnapping.
Okay, that's it.
Walter, we're gonna get this story straight.
Okay? You with me? In this story, there's only gonna be one kidnapper, and that's me.
Well, she did-- No.
Shut up.
Listen, okay? All of you.
You're all my hostages.
Shit! Guess what happens.
What? Walter, one of the hostages doesn't really make it.
Which one? They don't even find the body until the spring.
There's a jogger, jogging, and he's looking across the field and he goes, "Oh, my god, what's that barrel doing there?" So he jogs over to the barrel, and he looks inside, and there's a body, frozen in there.
WALTER: Who's the frozen body in the barrel? Walter, you're the frozen body in the barrel.
I'm the frozen body in the barrel? Yeah.
How'd I become the frozen body in the barrel? Tell us everything you know about Killigan's or you're gonna find out! Action.
My name is Walter Guritch.
You know how we all make mistakes in life? Here's mine.
I've been taking money from Killigan's Driving School for about a year.
Real frickin' mature.
Danny, leave them alone.
Hey Remember what we were arguing about, earlier? That was depressing, right? I'm so bummed out.
Hey, wanna know where I'm going to university next year? Yes.
I'm not.
I'm not going to university! What? I'm taking a deferral.
I made a phone call.
I can do that.
Miriam, I made another call.
You can do it, too.
You're staying in Winnipeg? Oh, no.
I'm gonna work this summer.
Then I'm gonna go travel.
Anyone care to join me? India.
India! Are you going? I am now! Yeah! All right! But not India.
What? It's crowded.
It's hot.
It's stinky.
They killed Gandhi.
I know exactly where we have to go.
It's so friggin' obvious.
Where? Finland, bitches.
Uh, reindeer? Volcanoes? I think you mean Iceland.
Iceland, bitches! What about Scotland? Walking tours.
Showing off our teeth! But India's a completely different culture.
No! Iceland! Iceland! You don't know anything about-- I know enough.
What are you expecting to see when you get to Iceland? Wizards.
Polar bears.
We can go to the zoo and see polar bears.
Uh, we could also go to the zoo and see Indians.
(Laughing) Hee hee hee! Iceland! Icelandic! He does have a point.
I confessed to everything.
Well, yeah! They videotaped me! Oh, yes! Yes.
Yes, I did tell them that.
You know what? They didn't even ask.
I just put it out there.
Hm? Okay.
It's for you.
Me? Yeah.
Can I go home now? Yeah, you can go.
All the way home? You're a scream.
Jim Sheridan.
I want you to back off the Blechers.
All of them.
Every one.
As a matter of fact, I want you to back off everyone.
All the driving schools.
'Cause otherwise Killigan's gets a very public black eye.
What, are you kidding me? You can't fire me, 'cause I already quit! Yeah, she's right here.
Be nice.
Be nice.
Hello? Yes, this is she.
Um-- okay.
All right yep.
Got it.
You have a good day, too.
Blecher's is back in business! (Cheering) That's great! You got fired, huh? No, no, no, no.
I quit.
Well, we might be hiring.
I might be looking.
Never know.
(Laughing) (Chattering) You're my lover My very best friend I wanna hold you forever This is from me and Josh.
Happy anniversary.
I want to hold you again You can roll your eyes To the back of your head You can do what you like Shandra! My God.
I did not just do this! Don't! You said it was gonna be different this time.
You gotta believe me.
I was on the way out the door, when Mom kidnapped a guy! And then she blackmailed the company that put us out of business! What? What? It's all right.
Everything's fine now.
Everything's fine.
Oh, my god! I forgot! Everyone! Josh and Shandra are getting married! (Cheering) No, we're not! We're not? No, we're not.
You're the worst family ever.
You are hateful and evil and you were gonna buy me a ring.
Josh, where's my ring? You said you didn't care about a ring.
Josh, don't be an idiot! That's all they care about! Man, you're beautiful.
This ring belonged to Sam's mother.
Oh what's happening? Aw.
I'm gonna do this properly.
Third time's the charm.
Will you marry me? This family is so weird.
You'll fit right in.
Whoo! Yeah! (Cheering) ANNE: Welcome to the family, sweetie.
(Excited chattering) Mazel tov, motherfuckers! Okay, so we're all agreed.
Yes, wherever it lands, a year from now-- a year from today.
That's where we're gonna be.
This is so cool! If it's someplace dangerous-- Then we go to the next country.
And if it lands in the ocean-- We go to the nearest island or landmass or Iceland.
No, Danny.
Wait, I just wanna know if it lands on Iceland, are we going to Iceland? Danny! Yes! So, who's gonna throw the dart? BOTH: You.
All right.
Whoa! What? I just had the strangest feeling.
Déjà vu? Kind of.
For a split second I was old.
It was like, um-- it was like in the future or something.
I was looking back at the three of us, right now, remembering this moment.
Okay, well, can we get the show on the road, because I'd like to know where we're going.
Okay, everyone turn around.
Okay! Miriam? Huck that dart! Breathe in your body Will wait for your sighs Do what you love to Tonight Tonight, tonight Tonight Tonight, tonight Tonight Tonight, tonight ALL: Huh! When you finally keep it Baby, that's your home And all these people staring That's your company I can make you feel the shades of grey Through black and blue Down on your knees You're no one I can look up to And then you're nothing more than lack of company