Less Than Kind (2008) s04e01 Episode Script

I'm Only Nineteen

1 [] SHELDON: Previously on Less Than Kind What the fuck did you just say to me? I l-l-love you? Ugh! Okay, you're mad, that's cool! Shandra, will you marry me? Yes.
[cheering] ANNE: Your dad left a pretty big hole in this family.
Oh, you're my beautiful boys.
What brings you by? Well, I heard about Sam.
I just thought I'd take this opportunity to express our condolences, and here's some cookies.
Oh Look who's back in business.
[cheering] - We might be hiring.
- Maybe I might be looking.
[laughter] A few short weeks from now, you'll be marching out of this school together for the last time.
A year from now, you could be 1000 miles apart.
DANNY: Where are you guys going to university? I'm not going to university.
I'm gonna work this summer, then I'm gonna go travel.
Where? Iceland, bitches! What about Scotland? - India.
- Are you going? - I am now! - Yeah! Okay, so we're all agreed.
Yes, wherever it lands, a year from now-- A year from today! DANNY: That's where we're gonna be! [Blue Danube waltz] My baby, my baby, my baby! Okay, Mom! Yesterday, you were just a baby.
- Baby can't breathe! - I'm never letting you go.
Okay okay No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
- Mom - Okay.
I'm gonna let you go.
Sheldon! ANNE: They stole my baby, and they made him Valedictorian.
I'm so proud.
Okay Okay, okay, Mom.
Okay, okay - Oh, no, no, go - Okay! I'm really sorry, how was the speech? I fell asleep.
You didn't miss much.
You were amazing! Oh so sweet.
[sigh] What is wrong with you? It's not working! Look, I'm trying to take the picture, and look [phone rings] I called myself again! Why would someone put these two things together? It's like marrying a horse and an orange.
Why don't you just get in the picture with the kid.
- Can I? - Fuck, no! First team only.
[whimpers] Oh, honey, don't cry! No, no Just so young, it's all ahead of them.
It's great.
[sobs] Okay, take the picture.
Sorry, sorry And, 3 2 1.
[door chime] GARY: All right, so, 15 day return policy with your receipt [indistinct conversation continues] Let me walk you out.
Thanks for coming in, good to see you again.
All right, have a good one.
[turns lock] [] I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to see inside your bag.
Give it here As I suspected.
You're under arrest.
[drops bag] Guess what, I'm a special salesman constable.
[exhales] Am I in big trouble, special sales constable? You better believe it.
How come you're not in school? How old are you anyway? Only fifteen.
Only nineteen.
That's what I thought.
Still really young but old enough to know way better.
- Come along! - No, please! Please don't tell my parents, no! Please! I'll do anything! [quietly] Anything.
So are you going to shoplift from this store again? No! No! Keep going, keep talking! No one steals on my watch that is something you young girls have to learn! More, more! If you ever want to come in this store again where I work-- Oh! When you steal the price goes up and it gets passed on to the customer! That was fantastic, thank you! I only hope Did it, um Did it take too long? No, no, that's okay.
[exhales] I learned a lot.
Oh, good, good! I mean, pretend shoplifting is kind of fun for you and me but it's actually a very serious problem.
It must be.
Okay, well, goodbye.
Wait, Clara.
Clara Clara! [door lock opens] Clara! - Clara! - Oh, what? I hope I get to see you again soon.
I know.
[] And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Watched the north end die And sang I love this town Then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim I Hate Winnipeg [crickets and birds chirping] [sigh] [inhaling] [coughing] Works great! Go! Go! [inhales] [coughing] [laughter] This is, uh inspired.
Have another hit.
Okay, just keep a look-out.
Why, no one's coming.
It's like 300 degrees out.
Dude! You said you'd call us.
AUDIO TOUR GUIDE VOICE: Aboriginal people living in the surrounding settlement would stop at the fort in the summer months to trade, sell goods, or visit relatives.
As you continue further down the trail, you will see 3 members of the Cree Nation building a tepee.
[] [sighs] [sniffs] Why did you wake me up? [chuckles] Mornin', fuckers! What are you doing here? Danny, get out of our room.
"Our room", interesting.
So it is your room.
No, Danny, it's your apartment.
Thank you for letting us crash here.
Well, you know what today is? It's the day after the seventh - that you've crashed in this room.
- Really? Yeah, and seven nights in a week so you're no longer crashing here, you are now shacking up.
At my apartment.
And if you're gonna stay Why are you giving me an empty envelope? So you can put $400 in it.
- That's your share.
- What? Yeah, you guys want breakfast? - Yeah.
- Sure.
Then add six bucks.
And we gotta go get it, because we're out of everything.
Jim is taking the 12:30 lesson? Yes, we already talked about this.
And Josh still refuses to work on his lunch hour? No, he's made it quite clear that he does not work for the driving school anymore.
Gabor was unavailable? Nope.
Well, you will deal with Jim, right? Yes.
Because you forgot to last time.
I'll ask him! I will! Oh, is this your listing? - Are you downsizing? - No! It's for Josh and Shandra.
What's for us? The Andrews place, I think it's the perfect starter home for you two.
It's right around the corner.
Let's see! Ew.
It's old! It's not that old, and they just added a nice, new deck.
Mom, they added that when I was, like, four.
- Really? - Yeah.
I just don't understand what you're looking for.
Like this.
Oceanview Estates.
Pricey! It's on the other side of town.
[chuckles] Mom Everyone's moving south.
They're turning the north end into a giant garbage hill.
No, they're not! I hope you're right.
Where's your brother, isn't he coming down for breakfast? He stayed at Danny's again last night.
[phones ring] BOTH: We gotta go! It's only 8! Don't you have time to eat? - Places to see, Mom! [clicks tongue] - Thanks anyways! - Bye - Bye! I made all of Sheldon's favourites You have to stop doing that.
[sighs] I know you're 18, legally can do what you like, but I expect a minimum courtesy when you're spending the night at a friend's.
I'm sorry, it was late, I didn't want to wake you up.
What makes you think I wasn't up all night waiting for you? Well, Mom, I have a phone.
If you were worried, why didn't you call? You know, it's garbage day today! [sighs] Right, I forgot.
Well, you remember this household is not a hotel.
You're right, I should have called.
And next time, I'll call.
- Ow! - What was that? Danny's couch bit me.
Are you coming for dinner? If you are, let me know.
Uh yeah, sure.
I guess.
Dinner'll be great.
Thank you.
There, was that so hard? No, no, it's just that I-- [beep] Hey, honey! Jim Oh, Clara said it was okay if I help myself.
[stammers] These waffles, they're unbelievable.
How do you get waffles that taste like this? They're amazing! [chuckles] Real buttermilk.
That's it? Fuck me, they're good! [door opens and closes] Uh When do you get your cast off? JIM: Four to six weeks, they said.
So, six weeks.
Coffee? Yeah, thank you.
It's like a full-service diner here! I'm comin' everyday! Jim, have you been drinking today? No [sets cutlery down] No, I have not.
I haven't had a drink for Well, four weeks and three days.
That's great, 'cause we don't want you to take another tumble.
Or drive any of our cars while drunk.
JIM: It's not gonna happen, that would never happen, I swear to God.
[conversation fades out] CLARA: Good.
In that case, you have a 10:30, a 12:30, and then nothing until 5.
I want Jim to take my 1:30.
Why? I need to do some things.
You mind? Yeah, I mean No problem! Fine by me too.
Fine by me.
[Shandra running through grass] Oh Yes! Yes! [chuckles] Josh, it's perfect! Old English doors, solid oak veneer! Oh, my god! There's marble countertops, just like they make in Italy! Scandinavian skylight! It's like we're in Norway! Do you know what you're standing on? [crunch] It sounded like a snail? Brazilian mahogany hardwood floors! [high voice] The best! [laughs] Yeah! Honey, this is It's like 45 Grand over our high-end.
Do you know where I'm standing, Josh? While you were talking, I went upstairs to our bedroom.
Josh Get the door.
[mimics creaking] Our doors don't creak! [mimics latch] What are you doing? Turning on your in-wall stereo system.
[] Shoplifting! What are you gonna do about it, pig? 'Cause I ain't goin' back to no juvey! [chuckles] Wow.
[exhales] That's what the dykes will do to you in jail! [moaning] Goodbye.
[Gary laughs] Woo! Unbelievable! That was amazing, Clara.
That is the best sex ever! Although, technically you wouldn't be in juvey if you were nineteen.
Oh, really? But I didn't care! That's the thing! I just You blew the socks off my barn.
Aw, nice to see you too.
Clara, wait! Can you wait for one second? I want to show you something.
This whole thing has been so amazing.
So great.
This whole role-playing thing.
I think it's - You've inspired me.
- Oh yeah? Clara, will you marry me? [gasp] Are you out of your fucking mind? [whimpers] [breathing heavily] What? Herman! It's Josh from Manitoba Labels.
How you doin', my man? How's your summer? Mosquitoes gettin' to ya? [laughs] Listen, I was just checking your inventory, and it looks like it's time to redo your monthly order.
What do you say? Okay.
[chuckles] Excellent.
Thank you for using Manitoba Labels.
Dan! It's Josh from Manitoba Labels.
How you doin', my man? How's your summer? Mosquitoes gettin' to ya? [laughs] I hear ya! Listen, Dan, I was just checking the inventory, and it looks like you are down on the number 20s.
Time to re-up your order? What do you think? Absolutely, yeah, I'll hold for you.
[indistinct conversations] [exhales] [indistinct conversations continue] [slurps] Wait a sec.
I know you.
Aren't you that actor from Thunder Bay OPP? I uh Holy cow! What are you doing here? - I gave up acting.
- Why? Gotta grow up sometime.
Right? Hi, this is Gordon calling from Manitoba Labels.
How are you today? Davis, hot enough for you? Ha, I'm dying from it.
Dying Anyway, Davis, I've got a great deal for you today MAN: It's Gary from Manitoba Labels.
How's your summer been? WOMAN: Crazy lightning storm, huh? [voices continue] Thank you for using Manitoba Labels.
Hi, this is Gordon calling from Manitoba Labels.
MAN: Oh yeah, you noticed that too? GORDON: Hot enough for you? [voices continue] I'm on hold.
[door whirs] MIRIAM: And I like waking up with you.
SHELDON: I like waking up with you too! Then, dude, let's do this! [sighs] What do you think your parents will say when you ask them? Well, I'm not going to ask them, I'm going to tell them.
Jesus, Sheldon, we're 18! We're adults now! Yeah, just do it! I need to think about this! What's there to think about? You're gonna be together in Europe anyway.
Staying in hostels, you're gonna have to have quiet sex when we're there.
This will give you a chance to practice quiet sex! And you two need to practice that.
Yeah, but we're not getting to Europe if we keep spending money.
X-boxes, party snacks, 600 for rent.
Just do it.
Just do it, yeah, I'll just move in and forget that we're supposed to be saving up for Europe.
Exactly! Miriam, he's gonna do it! No, no, no no no, Danny, you have a problem with impulse control, and now you've got Miriam doing the exact same thing.
We have to have this! What? Oh my god, this is perfect! - Sheldon, grab an end! - Why? Because we're gonna carry this home! No.
I know you guys are going to get this thing like, three blocks from here, and then you're gonna bail.
Miriam, let's prove this sorry sack of shit wrong.
- You know you're gonna bail.
- Sheldon! You're gonna bail.
Just do it.
[grunt] Okay.
Oh no.
Well, give me a chance to grab an end.
[chuckling] [indistinct conversations throughout] [chair creaks] [knocks] I've had my eye on you for a while.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
I bet you'll be with us for a long time.
[knocks] [whimpers] Honey, congratulations! You got an office with a door! It's somethin', isn't it.
Did you get a raise too? Technically, yeah.
- Oh my god! It's a sign.
- What? I put a deposit down today on Oceanview.
What? We can't afford that.
I know, but we almost can! And look what happened when I did it! You got an office with a door.
It's a sign! [grunts] [sigh] Right.
- It's a sign.
- That's right.
It's a sign.
Kiss me! [exhales] [whimpers] [exhales] [grunting] - How much further? - Just a couple more blocks, guys.
What are you doing? - Oh my god.
- Of course.
I knew it.
You're right.
This is a good place to bail! I'm not bailing, I'm resting.
- I might be bailing.
- What? My arms are so sore.
No, no, no, it's okay.
You guys tried.
Oh, fuck off Blecher! What's up your ass? Look, guys, just hear me out, okay? I know you don't want to hear this, but let me just put a radical idea out there, okay? I know the apartment's fun, but this is about prioritizing.
So let's just think, Danny, about maybe giving up the apartment.
Freddie! Hey guys.
- Hey Freddie.
- Quiet! Sheldon's making one of his speeches! Cool, I love Sheldon's, uh, speeches.
It's not a speech, okay? I just think we're losing sight of our goal to get to Europe.
[inhales and exhales] So that means we've got to really stay focused on that trip.
And we need to save money every way we can! Do you agree? [scoffs] So guess what.
That means being responsible, okay? And that way we can focus.
And for Europe to focus Sorry If we priority for not housing now And, um - and we need to focus.
- Blecher! 'Cause, uh, you know Hm [inhales] [inhales] Is that Blaine? [] Hey! Blaine! Wasn't that your joint? Ah, don't worry about it.
I got more.
Sheldon! Sorry I'm late, honey! Wohh [screams] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sorry! No, no, no! Don't be scared! I don't want to scare you! The last thing I want to do is to scare you.
I, uh, I feel like I freaked you out a bit earlier, and I just wanted to apologize.
What, by breaking into my house? Door was open.
How do you even know where I live? I followed you home once.
[chuckles] No, totally, totally not stalking in a stalking way.
Oh, good - How long have you been here? - Well, not long.
I did all your dishes.
And then I just hung out, I waited.
- And now you're here.
- Gary - Please don't do that! - You know what? I'm-a do it right this time, I'm gonna do it right this time! I'm gonna do it on bended knee.
He says to the girl You're only 19, so I should be asking your parents this.
[chuckles] I know, joke, joke, joke.
Okay, so, moving on.
Here we go.
Oh God, I'm a little bit nervous.
[sighs] Will you marry me? I'm not leaving until I get a yeh-ess! [Jim clears throat] I don't know about anybody else, but I'm on pins and needles over here.
Uh, okay.
Hi, who are you? Let's start with you.
Well, I mean, obviously, I'm Clara's boyfriend.
- Clara's boyfriend? - Yeah, tell him, Clara.
[clears throat] What do you mean? Oh God, God, God.
Is, uh [whispers] Is this your husband? No No My name's Jim Sheridan, - I just work with - Clara.
Clara, right.
Ah [clears throat] Why don't we all just sit down at the table and start to figure things out a little bit.
- Wicked, okay, Jim.
- Would you join? I was kind of in the middle of something here, bro.
And, uh, your kinda cramping my style.
Gary, I'd really like Jim to stay.
As you wish.
Why don't you take the head of the table.
- Right here? - Have a seat.
[clears throat] And Clara, maybe you could just bring me up to speed.
Oh, Clara and I, Clara and I Clara, Clara and I are in love.
Who is this guy? Uh Gary, I thought you understood.
It was just sex.
[clears throat] Uh, just [giggles] Uh, what? Just sex? [chuckles] [clears throat] Just sex? Did Yeah, well I got a sense here that maybe, just maybe, we've reached the end of the line with this one.
I think that you should, uh, you know, stay out of this.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah, because you don't listen.
Buddy, you're like, about this big, and Clara and me, we're like giants, buddy! We're gonna build cities! I just think you should go and rain on somebody else's parade, because I think-- Sh, sh, sh! What? [chuckles] Gary [grunting] [whimpers] [grunting] [groaning] Look at me.
Look at me.
[panting] Gary Look at me.
Come on, Gary.
What is it? Meth? Coke? [exhales] Right? Yeah? It's coke? Yeah.
JIM: Okay, I know what we do.
What? Great hamburgers, great French fries.
I didn't get a chance to get any lunch today.
Come on, let's go get something to eat, shall we? - Yeah, yeah.
- Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
JIM: I'm gonna take Gary over to Blondie's.
Have you got a sponsor? - Well, he fired me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Would he come if you invited him? - Yeah.
- Okay, meet me in the car.
Clara! - Car's right out front.
- Yeah.
That shit box out there.
Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm so sorry.
No, no.
Everybody makes mistakes.
[door opens and closes] [] [] [laughter] [] Okay, guys.
Humpty Dumpty! Shit! [laughter] Damn you! What the hell! You okay? [laughter] [sigh] Now, how can you say no to all this? [] It's getting harder.
Aw, come here.
Hey! Get a room! Somewhere? Should we? All right.
Seriously? I'll even talk to your mom for you.
Oh shit! Mom, I'm so sorry! I completely forgot! I'm such an idiot.
ANNE: Sure, sure.
Oh, and, uh, just so that you know, I think I might crash here tonight.
ANNE: That's nice.
Great Mom, are you okay? Mom? Yeah.
[beep] [beep] [music blaring] [latches door lock] [rattles door] [rattles door] [] [video game noises] [] [crickets chirping] You sure we're allowed to be here? We're so meant to be here! [chuckles] [] [gasp] [panting] [sighs]