Less Than Kind (2008) s04e02 Episode Script

Female Trouble

1 Previously on Less Than Kind Clara! Clara! Clara! Oh, what? Hope I get to see you again soon.
Gary, I thought you understood, it was just sex.
Just sex? I get a sense here that maybe, just maybe, we've reached the end of the line with this one.
Are you okay? I am so sorry.
My mom has a girlfriend.
Look, I wouldn't have to go to my dad's if I didn't have to stay at my mom's half the time because she had an affair with someone and broke up my family.
You invited my ex-husband Jack? Isn't that Jack's wife? Oh my god, Barbara! Shh, please could you keep it down? I just-- I don't want to wake the baby.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Congratulations.
So you've missed your period.
Yes.
And you say your breasts are tender And you're tired, and you have sudden strong cravings for sweets.
Yes! Diabetes? You have all these symptoms and a positive pregnancy test and you're thinking it's diabetes? Well, it runs in the family.
Sam had diabetes.
Sam was your brother-in-law.
Look, I'm going to go out on a limb here-- No, stop! No! Shh! Please! I know what you're gonna say but I don't want you to say it because then you'll make it real.
So can we just please have just a few more moments before it's real? Please? Okay.
- You have a cat! - What? I remember you mentioning you had a cat.
Oh, well, I do.
That's very interesting.
What kind of cat is it? She's a calico.
Uh huh.
Her name is Muffet.
Muffet is nine.
I'm not going to tell you Muffet is my favourite cat.
- You're probably pregnant.
- Oh, God! You bitch! You just couldn't wait just five more seconds and just talk about your cat! No, I have other patients this afternoon.
Take this to the lab.
We'll confirm it with a blood test.
Do I know the daddy? Probably not.
Do you know the daddy? Kinda.
And I'll screen you at the same time for STDs.
Do you know what you wanna do? Me? With a baby? It's so, uh It's so expensive.
My condo would just be filled with baby junk.
I mean, I just got it looking the way I want.
Where would all the energy come from? I'm single.
I can't Oh god.
Up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Watch the north end die And sing I love this town Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim I hate Winnipeg I gotta be honest, I was pretty drunk, Claire.
It's Clara.
Sorry.
I do sorta remember you.
You've got a tattoo of Tinkerbell on your ass, right? No, that's not me.
Nipple piercing? No.
Thigh-highs? Uh, okay, yeah, that's me.
Ah! I knew it.
I knew I recognized ya.
Ya, but you didn't really.
Well, no offense.
I think you're really hot, especially for, like, 40 or whatever.
Wish I remembered you.
Uh, I'm wondering if you'll consent to an STD test.
What? Have you got something? Well, in a manner Oh, man.
Oh, anything but herpes! No, it's nothing like that.
It's just that I need to know if you're clean, okay? What's that? You keep STD results in your wallet? Comes up a lot.
Ah, that's good.
So What have you got? Well, I'll get the test results back tomorrow, but-- Shhh! Okay, be cool, be cool.
My fiancée just walked in.
Don't look! So nobody turned it in, you haven't seen it? Seen what? My umbrella, you idiot! It's black with yellow polka-dots! No, I haven't seen it.
Well, you probably stole it.
No! This guy's an asshole.
What? Sweetie, honey, are you okay? Oh yeah.
That was Lighthouse with One Fine Morning, so next time you hear it, call in and you could go home I want eggs.
Scratch that, I want pancakes and bacon, okay? Sheldon I'm at home.
What are you doing? Mom's helping me find the backpack.
Thanks, Mom.
You're welcome, sweetie.
It's about time you came home.
You still haven't told your mommy you moved out yet? I'm getting to it.
I'm gonna start looking.
Okay, Mom! I thought we were gonna spend the day together.
We will.
I'm outta here as soon as we find the backpack.
Wait, don't you have your lunch with Lisa today? Oh shit, I forgot.
It's just lunch with your mom's partner.
It's not a beat-down.
Feels like one.
Whatever, I'll just bail.
Seriously? Look, maybe it's a chance to get to know her! Maybe she's not this monster who broke up your fantastically happy parents.
Annie, good, you're home.
What are you doing here? You've Craig at 10:30.
Oh shit! Can Jim take it? No, Jim has a 10:45.
Oh damn.
Annie, I really need to talk to you about something, okay? Sure, sure.
Are you okay? I don't even know where to begin.
Bye, Mom! We're off to look at our house.
Your what? Oceanview Estates, phase 2.
The better phase.
We're actually going to look at features today.
There's 40 different kinds of sinks.
I mean, there's over-mounted, under-mounted, apron front, there's trough-style-- But we are gonna pay a little extra and get it under-mounted trough-style! Doesn't it blow your mind? We own a house now! We're gonna get a 30 year mortgage.
That's fantastic.
Annie, please-- Big news, huh? They really bought a house! Mazel tov! Annie, please, can we-- It's not an actual house though.
Isn't it just, like, a lot with strings? No, it's a house.
It just doesn't exist yet.
Yeah.
Our living room is like three times the size of yours.
- Morning.
- Morning, Jim.
Clara, is that your car that's blocking all the other cars out there? In a minute, in a minute.
Uh, Clara, move it? We have things to do.
Shit! I will be right back.
Yup? Come back, Sheldon.
Please? I'm doing my sexy voice.
I really can't leave right now.
But I'm bored! So work on your mural.
Why don't I work on your mural Uh I don't really know what that means, but I'm intrigued.
So Mrs.
Belgini, she should never get behind the wheel.
I feel like kissing the ground whenever I get out of the fucking car with her.
- Excuse my Russian.
- Me too.
Terrible.
Listen, Jim I really want to apologize again.
Oh, no.
The other day, what, with the God, that was just so crazy.
- Forget about it.
- I'm just so embarrassed.
Well, don't be! Look who you're talking to! The original idiot alcoholic.
You know what I did one time? I go walking into this gay bar, okay, and I'm looking around and I'm thinking, "Oh, this place is pretty nice.
Everybody's so friendly here.
" And then I find out later I had actually agreed to be the Santa Claus at their little party they have at Christmastime.
You're kidding.
I was about the sexiest shit-faced Santa Claus they ever had.
Oh my god, I gotta get going.
I've got a lesson to give.
So I guess I'll see you later there, Clara! Yeah.
- Okay, Shel.
- Later, Jim.
Why did he call you Clara? Oh, that was nothing.
So tell me then.
Yeah, you too.
Bye.
I'm gonna go start looking for the bag in the garage.
Oh good.
Would you bring up those rubbermaids that are down there, right beside the freezer? - Yeah.
- Thanks.
What did you want to tell me? No, don't change the subject.
Why did Jim call you Clara? Making fun of me? - Oh, no, no.
- Then tell me! Uh This was not my best moment.
I had a dalliance.
- With Jim? - No! With a slacks salesman.
It was supposed to be just sex-- Wait, wait, what does this have to do with Jim calling you Clara? Oh, because I didn't want to tell the guy my real name - so I told him - Your name was Clara.
Yes.
And Jim knew.
Because you were being a slut.
Yes.
No! No! And now this is just a little joke between you and your boyfriend.
Jim's not my boyfriend! Oh, please-- the way you lead him on? - I don't! - Oh, you're unbelievable.
Clara, I did not mean to offend you.
Oh, how could I possibly be offended? Remind me to call myself Anne the next time I'm being a bitch! Have fun with your boyfriend! Oh! Okay, the backpack's not in the crawlspace.
Did you check the back closet? It's not in the back closet.
Here's your tupperware.
Oh, Sheldon, it's gonna be so fun.
Oh, look.
Mr.
Macaroni Man.
How does this help us find the backpack? Uh, Mom? I've got to go back to Danny's apartment.
His pipe burst, so You know I just.
- Really? - Yeah.
This is important, so I should go.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Stop! Stop stop stop Okay.
Okay, if it's up there, I can't reach it.
"If", what do you mean "if"? - Is it on your penis? - No.
- Is it in the bed? - No.
Then it's up there.
Oh God.
Why do you insist on wearing those things? So I don't come in, like, 10 seconds! Can't you just think of, like, dead puppies or something? Oh, what, when I'm looking at you? What do we do? I don't know, I guess it's your turn.
Go fish! Hi! Oh my goodness.
Where's your mama? No, seriously, where's your mama? Hello, is this your baby? Jesus.
Now I jump? Yeah, and land in a deep squat and go, "Huh!" It says "go huh"? Well, it says exhale loudly while engaging your "koo-gles" "kee-gles"? Nope, nothing.
Don't worry, I'll find something else.
It's fucking porn! When you type those words in, that's what you get.
We just need, um, a tool! Okay, okay.
Okay 'Kay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Better idea.
Let's just go to the hospital.
No hospitals.
Lost condom, huh? - Shit! - God! Danny, we thought you were out.
Ah, fuck.
I was supposed to see a movie.
Sheldon! Danny, could you go out, or just leave us be? And miss this? Fuck that! Turn around, Danny! Oh yeah.
It's come to this.
Okay, now, if that doesn't work, here's what you gotta do.
Chew on a piece of gum, stick it on the ends of your fingers Doink! Yeah, thanks for your help.
Hey, you're welcome.
Okay Let's find your mama together, okay? I'm not stealing a baby! I'm not stealing a baby! I'm not stealing a baby! Hello? Is this your baby? - Barbara! - Clara! I was just trying to The milk faucets just turned on all of a sudden.
So this is your baby? Yeah.
Congratulations.
Sh sh sh sh Oh my god, please! Can you just give me, like, one minute! Isn't it enough that you ruined my body? Oh, come on, you look great! Fuck you! You don't have any stretch marks! I look I was mauled by a very short bear! Sh sh sh sh.
Don't cry.
You're both gonna be okay.
I haven't slept in, like, 3 days! Where is Jack in all of this? Useless.
Seven different business trips in 3 months.
Well, when he gets home you should go and get some "me" time.
You know, relax, go to a spa Whatever you need to do to make you okay.
Congratulations.
'Kay, how's it going? Nothing yet, and it's getting less funny.
I'm sorry.
Miriam, I just remembered something! There was this lady, in, like Scotland, or something Anyway, the same thing happened to her and she gave birth to a baby who came out sealed in a condom.
So if you guys are having a baby, it's gonna be okay.
Who's that? Shit, it's Lisa! Who? My mom's fucking girlfriend! Fuck! Okay, uh, Miriam I'll get rid of her.
Just Hey Sheldon.
I hope you don't md I brought my bike, I just saw a guy taking bolt cutters to a bike lock outside, so Actually, Miriam can't make lunch.
Unfortunately.
Again.
Why? Something, uh, came up.
Unbelievable.
I came all this way just to be blown off.
Nice.
She's not blowing you off.
Whatever-- You know what Sheldon, I don't really care.
I'm just trying to make her mom happy.
So, if Miriam doesn't care, then at least just don't waste my time! That is totally understandable.
I'm so sorry.
You know what? She's such a fucking brat.
She's here, isn't she.
And she sends you out here to tell me? What is she, twelve? Where is she? Miriam is indisposed.
Really.
Indisposed, is she? Exactly how is she indisposed, Sheldon? Miriam? What did you tell her? Look, Miriam, I'm sorry.
Miriam, honey, it's Lisa.
Can I help? Oh my god, Sheldon! No, you know what? It's no big deal, Miriam, don't be embarrassed.
This happens a lot.
We see a few cases a month in the ER You have to go to the hospital for this? Well, do you want me to try to No! It's not because you're gay Oh, then it must be because I'm a nurse.
Right Aw Mr.
Buckethead He drew that for months.
Hey, honey.
Hi Jim.
I just remembered I forgot to tell you the best part of that whole Santa story.
Remember the Santa story? Right, okay.
The night they had their party, the cops decide to come in and raid the place.
There's cocaine, that's what they're after.
- So-- - I want to thank you for taking Mr.
Tran for me this afternoon, Jim.
Is everything okay? Uh, did he want to rebook? Mr.
Tran, yeah, I think he does.
He liked the time-slot, he said.
All right.
Better give him a call.
- Did I say something wrong? - No.
No? Let's see Wasn't my coke, you know.
- Sorry? - At the gay bar! That wasn't my coke! I don't use coke! I drink.
Well, used to drink, not now.
Do you mind? I'm just gonna give Mr.
Tran a call.
Oh, yeah, right.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- You have a good night, okay? - Yeah.
Oh! Whatcha doin' with my bike? Your gear-changing thing was all fucked up, right? Yeah, it's goin' back to the shop.
Oh, no need, I fixed it.
So? Oh Congrats, it's a boy.
She's all good.
Thank you.
What? So we're done? Already? Yeah.
I guess I'm goin' to the movies.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh my god, were you expecting money? Oh, no, you fixed my friend's vagina, I fix your bike! There's a slogan! So Sheldon You always use condoms? Beg your pardon? Well, Miriam's on the pill, so are STDs an issue? No! God no! So it's premature ejaculation? Uh 'Cause there are other ways to choke a climax, Sheldon.
For example, if you masturbate up to the point of orgasm-- Yeah, yeah.
You squeeze the shaft, but firmly.
- That'll do it.
- Oh my god.
Good, thank you.
Hey.
Hey, listen, I'm running late.
You all right? Yeah, uh Sorry about lunch.
Oh, whatever, don't worry about it.
How 'bout next week? My treat? Cool.
Sure.
I'm never having sex again.
Me neither.
Come on.
- Does this hurt? - No.
- How 'bout this? - Oh! Ow! - And this? - Ah! Yeah.
Okay, well, it turns out you just have an ovarian cyst.
You're not pregnant.
We'll do an ultrasound.
No big deal.
What about the pregnancy test and the cravings? Ovarian cysts are one of those things that create a false positive.
- Nature's funny.
- Hilarious.
Wait, there's more.
I ran a few more tests while I had the blood sample.
I screened for FSH and Estradiol.
Hm? They explain the fatigue and the sweet cravings.
You, my dear, have started menopause.
Cookie?