Less Than Kind (2008) s04e03 Episode Script


1 Previously on Less Than Kind I had a dalliance.
I didn't want to tell the guy my real name, so I told him - Your name was Clara.
- Yes.
Because you were being a slut.
Yes-- No, no! Let's open our own school! She's a prodigy! You're worried about having Josh as a manager! I get it, I'd be worried too! Josh is a has-been, mediocre actor - who reeks of failure.
- What? You backstabbed me right in my face! Have you told your mom we moved in together yet? That's different.
You invited my ex-husband Jack? You left me to have sex with a younger woman! Oh, come on! Can someone tell me what's happening? I've been seeing Jack.
Jack? Uncle Jack? Married Jack? Yeah.
It's over.
This'll be quick.
Oh, God, no.
Fuck you! No! Clara! Come on, open up! Clara, one question.
What does she know? - What does who know? - Barbara, my wife! Did you tell her everything? Why would I do that? Because! Because! Because you're, you're-- old, and she's young, and I made a baby with her and not you! Fuck you! Oh, yeah, fine! That's great! Okay.
Because she's abandoned me and her own baby, you homewrecker! Barbara left you? On a jet airplane to see her mom.
I've contacted my attorney.
You remember Dennis? Yeah, anyway, he was particularly concerned that my vengeful ex-wife-- that would be you-- might have shared the very damning detail that we did it in the baby's nursery.
- Is that true? - No, I didn't say anything.
- Yeah, right.
- No, Jack! I didn't say anything about that, or any of it.
So, what, you just happened to be at the store, you had this little conversation, she comes home, she's crying, she packs a bag, and she's gone! Whatever did you talk about? She was going through a post-partum breakdown! I told her to take care of herself! Oh, thank God.
You told her to leave? Didn't you notice that your own wife was cracking up? Yeah, I just figured that was normal.
No, you have to support her, you dick! Why? It was her idea to have the baby! Unbelievable! Who's watching him anyway? I am? Well, where is he? What are you talking about? What do you think? He's in the van! Oh, you leave a baby alone in a running car! Oh, I'm so sorry! - Is that not the way it's done? - No! Look! I'm such a bad parent! Oh! Hey! It's okay.
There you go.
And up above us all, leaning into sky, our Golden Business Boy will watch the North End die, and sing "I love this town," then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim, I hate Winnipeg It's Tuesday, right? Yeah.
I'm pretty sure.
Could it be Wednesday? No, please don't let it be Wednesday.
We have to get up so early on Wednesdays.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Where's my musket? You're not supposed to bring that home, Danny.
- I completely understand.
- Danny! Stop leaving this in the shower! Sir, it will not happen again.
Well, it won't happen again-again.
So tomorrow, 10AM, got it.
So we got the day off! The rest of our lives.
We're fired.
Oh, fuck society! Fuck them! I'm keeping the musket.
We're never getting to Europe.
Honey! Stop! Don't.
We only meet at this restaurant when you want to apologize.
- We don't.
- We do.
So it's done.
What's done? I agreed to meet you, so you're forgiven.
I am? Oh, good! Good! 'Cause I missed you.
Now, what's going on with you? I had another run-in with Jack.
Oh no no No! No, no, not like that.
Barbara's going through this post-partum, so she left Jack alone with a baby.
It's Jack.
You have to stay way, way out of it! I know, I know! Jack does not know what he's doing with a baby, Annie.
What are you looking at? Is that Lorne Goldstein? Yes, with his lesbian ex-wife.
Oh, he looks awful.
What happened to him? Oh, Miriam said he went on this desperate singles' cruise, and ended up with Hepatitis A.
- From sex? - Not even.
An ice cube.
Oh! Well, she's a terrible lesbian.
They must be back together.
I don't know, is that good? Miriam didn't say anything about this.
Uh oh I'm guessing Miriam doesn't know.
Uh I don't want to be here anymore.
Let's go.
As you'll clearly see on page 27B, I was anticipating a fairly robust Q4, especially considering our late-term acquisition projections.
But look at this Stay with us, Josh.
Now, as you can see, the problem stems from effective flow of secondary sales, or A-floss.
You I noticed that the graph looked So, it's been a gruelling morning, but that's lunch! Uh, Josh What are you doing for lunch? I don't know, what are you doing for lunch? No, what are you doing for lunch? What are you doing for lunch? Josh, seriously, what are you doing for lunch? God, do we have a lot of laundry.
Danny! No one is gonna believe this résumé.
Why? I can fix shit.
How did fix shit become "jet engine repair"? Other than your social insurance number, this résumé is a catalogue of fantasies.
Uh, no, made that up too.
Really? You don't know your social insurance number? Hey, relax.
I called my dad, he's lookin' for it.
Danny, you're gonna have to redo this, okay? And you're gonna have to take all this bullshit out.
And replace it with what? Oh, hi, kids.
- Hey Mom.
- Hey, Blechers.
Oh, Miriam, how's your dad? Uh, still recovering.
I think after that cruise, he's turned off dating for forever.
Sure, sure Oh, sorry about your job.
Is there anything we can do to help, or? Let us know if you hear of any work! Oh, your Uncle Jack might be looking for a nanny.
Clara For the baby's sake, Annie.
No, no babysitting.
I'll do it! It's a job.
Try it for one day? Okay, sure, fine, thanks.
Oh, great! I'll set it up, and I'll drop you.
What about me? Put on a shirt, and I'll help you look.
Oh, uh, what about the laundry? All right, sure.
Okay Thanks, Mom.
Go, go! Yummy.
You know, Josh the trouble is, the label market is fractured.
It's broken.
We're gonna fix that.
You can't fix a market when it's broken.
It'd be pointless to try.
Although sometimes, a mature market breaks and then a new market can break through! Uh that's a circle of life.
Oh! Oh shit! Damn it.
Oh, oh, I am so so, oh, so sorry.
We're going to get you cleaned up, just right this way.
Twice in one shift? You're an idiot, Eric.
Sorry Missed one.
Sorry, sir.
You know, I had a friend who looked just like you.
But he was a douche bag who stabbed me in my back.
Get out of here, Josh.
You can't tell me what to do, busboy.
Oh yeah? Where'd you steal the suit? I have a real job now, Eric.
Oh, what.
Vice-President in charge of Sucking? No Vice-President in charge of you're a fuckin' loser! Uh oh! Oh! Oh! Clean it up, busboy.
Ow! Ow! Ah! Ow! Eric! No! This guy's a total dick! Do not tip him! Eric, what have I told you about fighting with the customers? But he's not a customer, he's a douche bag! Who is also a customer! Eric, clean out your locker.
- You're done.
- But-- Go! Go! Go! Just go.
Just go! Gentlemen, I apologize.
If you'll wait here, I will get you a coupon.
That was a bit over the top, Josh.
It was just a shirt.
But I do appreciate loyalty.
Huh? Ah! Hi, Mrs.
Blecher-- Oh, you've got your hands full, sorry! I just need to see Danny for a second, I've got his social insurance card.
Oh, no, you just missed them.
Danny had me tear my place apart! I was at a movie when he called.
He said it was an emergency! He must have forgot.
Oh, I bet he didn't.
Is that Danny's laundry? Uh, yeah.
My russet argyle sock! Hello, old friend.
What are you doing here? - One of yours? - Yes.
I've had a plague of single socks.
You know, I think there's a whole bunch more singles down in the basement.
That little shit! I bet he's got them all here.
I was losing my mind.
May I? Yeah, laundry's in the basement.
Oh Can I come in? Uh, sure So Um It was great to see you this morning.
Oh, yeah.
I found eight already! Hey Lorne.
Hello, Franklin.
That will be Sarah.
We came separately.
Huh It's the white one.
You're not coming in? Bad idea.
Me and my ex don't mix very well.
Is it gonna be weird? Oh, definitely.
But don't worry, he'll be nice to you.
You're the babysitter, you've got something he needs.
Let me know how the baby's doing, okay? Okay.
What the hell do you think you're doing? - Sorry, no one told me not-- - Shh! Shhh Okay.
Come on, quiet.
Shh! Uh, I'm sorry, you're Sheldon's friend, Mary? Miriam.
How long can you stay? How long do you need me for? 'Til he's 30.
I don't know, just a couple hours.
Yeah, no problem.
Where is he? It's in there.
Has he been changed recently? What day is today, Tuesday? - It's Wednesday.
- Then, no.
Can you do it? Can I sleep now? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Danny, people train to do this job.
Jesus, Sheldon, at least let me try.
Who wanted to see me? Uzzie? Sheldon! Hey, buddy! Long time, eh? Yeah! Like, is this your place? It's my shop! I own it.
And I live here.
What happened to the restaurant? You didn't hear the big news? Uzzie's went out of business.
What happened? Can't have a family restaurant if the families just stop coming.
Hey, I'm sorry.
It's just after my dad died - It's all right.
- I'm sorry.
Forget it! Anyway, looks like you still get plenty to eat somewhere else, huh? Who's this? I'm your new bike tech! My new bike tech! I need one! You got a résumé? Uh, absolutely.
M-hm impressive.
Sheldon, you vouch for this? You know Oh, uh, looks like Blecher here's not so sure.
Can you roll a joint? Can I roll a joint Fuck, yeah! - Yeah? - Sheldon? Yeah! That he can do.
Yeah? All right! Well then, we'll give you a shot.
Smoke it, then you start.
Shit yeah.
He starts today? Yeah.
Why, you need your boy? Nope.
No, I'm good.
Then I get him.
Get in there.
Have fun.
Hey it's good to see you.
It's great to see you too, Sheldon.
I'm a horrible person.
Aw, no, honey.
I didn't intend for this to happen.
And I was sure we were done.
You've heard the things I've said about her.
No Yes.
When Miriam told me he was sick, I thought I would just take some soup over.
But he looked so terrible.
So sad.
And then we were in the kitchen.
It just felt so familiar.
Just happened.
Bam bam bam bam.
Bam bam bam! A real penis! A fucking cock, you know? Sarah Sorry, sorry.
If I may.
tongue-- Goddamn it! Lisa was a painter with a my whole "yoni" as her canvas.
But a strap-on feels and then in the kitchen your cock It was like, "My god, this isn't tofu, this is beef!" Beef, y'know? But it isn't all about the sex.
No, that's just what stands out.
There are bigger issues here.
Yes, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
The real problem is-- Can I trust you? Can we trust this? I feel for you both.
But there is Miriam, and there is your partner-- Lisa, yeah.
Don't you have to tell her something soon? - Soon.
- How soon? Well, you cannot keep secrets in a family.
Not really.
Because the truth will out, and the longer you keep the secret, and the closer you are to the person, the more damage when it finally does come out.
Franklin! Danny's not my real son! His mother picked me because I'm a teacher, she thought I'd be good with Danny, but I was only one of her-- as she put it-- fuck buddies whose name she could remember! Oh! You're Danny Lubbe's father, of course! Miriam adores you.
Thank you.
But that is hard news, I'm sorry.
Does Danny know? No, I'm just I'm waiting 'til I get over the shock to tell-- How long have you known? A year and a half.
Well Hmm.
You know, I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself, and God, compared to you guys, I just feel so lucky.
You are.
Sheldon is such a great kid.
And he's yours.
Yes, he is.
I'm just curious.
What did you say to Sheldon when he told you that he was moving in with Miriam? I wanted to say something.
But I held my tongue.
That little shit! You know, he's just like his father.
Oh, everything's a big secret.
"Oh, what's this, Sam?" "Oh, it's nothing, Anne.
It's a secret.
" "Oh, what about over here?" "Nothing, just another secret, Anne.
" Well, thank you very much.
Thank you very much! And now my son-- Here he is, full of secrets-- secrets from his mother, secrets about living together.
Can you believe that? This is my Sheldon! These stupid Take these-- I'm doing all these fucking stupid clothes for all these stupid kids! And they're all living together and having a really fabulous time and here, what am I doing? I'm alone with yet another fucking secret! Well, thank you, Sam, and now, thank you my darling Sheldon! Everyone okay for coffee? Hey, how long was I out? Uh, six hours? Ooh.
Where's the baby? He's upstairs sleeping.
I just fed him, so he'll be down for a bit.
Where did all the crap go? Oh, I cleaned it up.
Were you saving those diapers? Jesus, you did all that? I had the time.
I prepared some bottles-- You're brilliant.
You are amazing! You are an angel! How much do I owe you? I usually get ten an hour.
Screw usually, I'm giving you fifteen.
Is that good? Plus a fifty dollar tip.
Huh? But you gotta come back.
Please come back.
Please come back and do the angel thing again, please! Just for a couple days.
You're the best.
I'll give you a ride home.
Uh, well, who's gonna watch Cody? You're good.
You're really, really good.
He's gonna sleep for a couple more hours? Yeah, pretty sure.
So I can watch the news? What a concept! Josh! Hey, man-- Ah! You backstabbed me in the face! Get lost! Dude, I was gonna make it up to you! It was gonna be great! Great? How great? I had a plan, Josh, you know? Step one was go to LA-- After screwing over your best friend? No, no, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, there's more, there's more! Step two.
I was gonna make it huge in LA by giving it, like, 180 percent every single day.
Which is scientifically impossible.
Step three.
I was gonna send my smokin' hot assistant back to get you in a Citation 600 jet and fly you back to LA to my office, which you were gonna discover was also your office because my desk is actually two desks made out of one huge whale bone.
And after I sign and make you partner, we put our names on the door, we walk outside, and I show you your brand new car, which is a Porsche! In what colour? - Burnt orange.
- Burnt orange.
But it didn't happen, did it, Eric.
'Cause I didn't make it, Josh.
But you did.
I grew up, Eric.
Yeah, no shit.
I mean, look at you! You're like the Prince of Industry, Mr.
It's awesome! I mean How did you do that? I got rid of stupid dreams of being an actor in showbiz, Eric.
Because you know what dreams are? They're smoke on the water.
Dust in the wind.
No, Eric, smoke on the water.
Yeah, you're right.
You deserve it, man.
You totally deserve it, and I'm just glad one of us made it, you know? So just take care of yourself, you know? Be be good, kind.
Eric there's plenty of room at the top.
But you're gonna have to start at the bottom.
I can do that! And I will wait for you in the middle.
God! Thank you! God! Thank you! All right, Mom! Thank you.
Oh Hey, sorry, I didn't realize we brought so much.
No problem.
I'm just gonna run this back toto the apartment for them.
I put your clothes in there too.
Oh, uh, yeah.
It's probably better that I have some stuff over there.
I do spend an awful lot of time there, so What's this? Well, there must be a laundromat near your new apartment.
And you and Miriam, you can go there next time.
Huh I guess I'll never know how you're supposed to tell your mom you're living with your girlfriend.
Not like this.
I'm sorry.
Better go.
Good night.
Good night, Mom.
Lisa? Lisa! Hey, Lisa! Lisa, hey! What's up? What's wrong? Did something happen to my mom? Did you put him up to it? What? When I helped you out, did you already know? You evil little bitch! Can you please explain to me what is going on, please? Oh - you don't know? - Know what? Your mom and dad are fucking back together! They didn't tell me.
Well, I guess they don't think too much of you either, huh.