Less Than Kind (2008) s04e04 Episode Script
Best Men
1 Previously on Less Than Kind Your Uncle Jack might be looking for a nanny.
[sighs.]
Okay, sure.
Fine.
Thanks.
You're amazing! You're an angel! How much do I owe you? I usually get 10 an hour.
Screw usually, I'm giving you 15.
But you gotta come back.
WOMAN: I didn't intend for this to happen.
And I was sure we were done.
I feel for you both.
But there is Miriam.
Don't you have to tell her something soon? - How soon? - Soon.
What's wrong? Your mom and dad are fucking back together! They didn't tell me.
Danny's not my real son.
Does Danny know? No, I'm just waiting 'til I get over the shock to tell him.
How long have you known? A year and a half.
[Shandra makes excited noise.]
Josh, it's perfect! Honey, it's, like, 45 grand over our high-end.
I put a deposit down today on Oceanview.
What? We can't afford that.
I know, but we almost can.
[birds chirping.]
These are the three stairs off the living room! And this! Oh, these are where the built-ins are gonna be! Oh, and where exactly is our fireplace? Right in front of you.
Oh, so romantic! And it can be gas or wood-burning.
It's up to you.
- Gas.
- Wood.
Wood it is.
[chuckling.]
Oh, you guys are so sweet.
I can just tell you are going to love this place! I'll just get that cheque from you, and we're all good.
What cheque? The balance for the deposit.
What? You said it wasn't due yet.
That was before the Chinese came through.
Like locusts.
Wait, is that racist? I just meant that they're buying up everything.
We don't have the money yet! Well, I sent you guys the letter.
A letter? Nobody sends letters! Well, I do, and it said that you need a full down payment by the end of the month-- It's all in the letter.
Josh, hit her! Fuck her up! What the hell? Honey, she's a girl.
Then I'll do it.
[loud scream.]
Okay! Okay, bye-bye.
[screaming.]
Okay.
You might want to go.
[Shandra grunting.]
We're gonna we're gonna lose the house! [grunting.]
Hey! Close the door, you dumb bitch! [loud grunting.]
It's okay Up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Watched the North End die And sang I love this town Then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim I hate Winnipeg You want me to help plan your wedding? I've been waiting for this! [laughs.]
I'm so happy! - So you'll do it? - Of course! Ah, nice.
[laughs.]
Of course! Okay, so when's the big day gonna be? [clicks pen.]
This weekend.
What? Not seriously.
We're gonna lose our house! We need to get married.
We need a down payment now! JOSH: Which was gonna be the problem, see, but then we came up with the best idea ever! Shandra's dad already has money in the bank for the wedding, plus her dead aunt-- what's her name? Cleo, I never met her.
willed her 10 grand when she gets married, so, if we get married now, keep it cheap, we'll almost have enough for the deposit.
[sighs.]
So you're getting married in two days? I wanted to do it today, but-- JOSH: Either way! First born's getting married! Still a wedding! [chuckles.]
Right? So will you help? Sure, hey, it'll be fun.
Boom! That's my mom! 'Kay, well, I'll leave you two girls to the details.
- What? - You're gonna leave all of this just to two of us? Hi guys.
No.
Hi Clara, thank you.
For what? [door opens and closes.]
What? MIRIAM: Okay, you know what, Dad? No, I'm not okay, to tell you the truth.
Okay, you want to do what? Where? Are you serious? No, fuck you! We are This is done! Fuck! [phone beeps.]
Morning, sunshine.
[exhales.]
Sorry.
My daddy said, "We need to talk".
He was gonna take me for fucking ice-cream! What the fuck am I, eight? - Ridiculous.
- Fuck.
[phone rings.]
[beep.]
Leave me alone! Oh my god, oh my god.
Do you think I'm over-reacting? Hey, your mom cheated on your dad with Lisa, now she's cheating on Lisa with your dad.
It's messed up.
Yeah, and I'm saving money for Europe, and I have to babysit, which I hate, and it's like everything is going to shit.
It's going to a big shitfest, and it's just a shitstorm of shit, and it's just [phone rings.]
Jesus! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Gimme this, okay? Phone off is better than phone broken.
Trust me.
Now, forget about dad for a minute.
Just take a nice deep breath.
[inhales.]
[faltering exhalation.]
See? Everything's fine this minute.
Now just think, what would make you feel better? What do you want to do? I don't know, why don't you suggest something? Okay.
Why don't we go for a nice, long walk? Maybe down to the Black Sheep diner, huh? No! Fuck, no! I've got to work! Fuck! Okay, okay, Miriam! I have to work on, like, the shittiest day of my life! Miriam! Look at me.
[taking deep breaths.]
See? Everything's still fine, okay? Yep.
You're gonna go to work, and you're gonna come back, and we're gonna go on that nice, long walk.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
[phone beeps.]
A-ha, now he's trying to call you.
Don't you fucking answer that phone! It's Josh.
May I? Yeah, sure.
[phone beeps.]
Hello? Wait, Josh, Josh, Josh! I'm still just a little unclear on the situation here.
[groans.]
It is a simple concept, Sheldon, okay? You and Eric are co-best men.
Co-best man! Here's the deal.
You are gonna organize the bachelor party.
Okay, wait, wait.
This bachelor party's not going to include ladies of the evening, right? JOSH: Are you talkin' about hookers? Because "ladies of the evening" kinda sound like you're talking about vampires which would be retarded.
[as Dracula.]
"I vant to suck your cock".
Dude! That would be a great movie.
Vampire Hookers, and their only weakness is the ten inch stake that you keep in your pants.
[grunts.]
I'm not hiring hookers.
I don't want hookers! What kind of guy do you think I am? Right, sorry.
You're the new and improved Josh, my mistake.
Wait, there's gonna be strippers though, right? - Totally.
- Yes! And he's back.
Look, guys, I'm not comfortable with the whole stripper thing.
That's because you're fat.
I'm just screwin' with my co-best man! Huh? But seriously, you'd better get on it though.
Why, what's the hurry? When's the date? - Uh, tonight! - Tonight? So the date is tonight.
Josh, you can't be serious! JOSH: We're adults! We have shit to do! Is he serious? Apparently, that's what your mom said too.
I don't know anything about strip clubs.
[calculator clacks.]
Fancy Dancer's not bad.
It's kind of fun.
'Course, not the cleanest, so don't wear your favourite pants.
[raspy laugh.]
- Okay.
- Okay.
Um, how many bodies constitute a stag? 'Cause Josh doesn't have any real friends.
Well, that's not a bad question.
I'd say, okay, two guys at a stag.
That's kind of creepy.
Four guys at a stag.
Also creepy.
I think you got to try and get at least six.
Okay, than.
Hey, do you want to come? I'm officially inviting you.
No, no, no, no way, I can't.
I mean, I'm honoured, but drinking establishments and me, that's a no-go.
You don't have to drink.
See, that's the thing.
I'm brilliant at resisting temptation except when there's actual temptation to resist and then I fall apart.
[sighs.]
Sorry.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, I can really use one other grown-up there, so Okay, Shel.
Not gonna happen.
[door closes.]
So, you're just blowing me off? No, it's my brother's stag! I can't, I'm sorry! You're sorry? My life is shit, and you're the only person I can talk to about it.
Why don't you talk to Danny? Danny? - Okay, I withdraw the suggestion.
- Danny? I withdraw the suggestion! You just enjoy your strippers, okay? Miriam - Miriam! - What? Give me a break! I'm trying! [exhales.]
Thank you.
[door opens and closes.]
Hey! Heard my name and the word "stripper".
Uh, yeah, Josh is having a bachelor party.
Oh, I'm in! - It's tonight.
- In! Good, um I was thinking about inviting your dad-- Just for numbers.
Would that be cool? Mmm yeah, sure.
We've been hanging a lot this week.
Putting in some quality time.
It's great.
He thinks we're bonding.
- You're not bonding? - Nope.
- Getting him to lower his guard.
- For what? I'm not sure yet, I'm thinking maybe a suckerpunch.
Got any ideas? You could try not suckerpunching him.
[scoffs.]
Not my style, Shelly.
[door closes.]
We've got the chairs.
[calculator clacks.]
And a chuppah from Bellaire.
[clacks.]
We've got thirty guests.
ANNE: Yep, that's about 400.
That's your basics.
All right.
Add 'er up.
[clacks.]
- 5400 dollars.
- 5400 dollars! That is way too much.
Well, didn't your aunt leave you money? - Ten thousand.
- And your dad? Eight thousand.
And how much do you need for the down payment on the house? Thirty thousand.
Oh.
I don't want to get married at the zoo.
What are you talking about? Isn't that where poor people go to get married for free? No! You mean I can't even get married at the zoo? That's pathetic.
[sobs.]
Stop! No! Come on! Oh.
[sobs.]
I'm gonna pay for the wedding.
- What? - I have some money saved.
Oh, Annie, your Sam money? Yes, it's for a rainy day.
And this sure feels like rain.
- Really? - Yes.
Oh! [high-pitch whimper.]
Okay.
No, I can't spend all your money! What can we cut? What's the most expensive thing? - Uh - Hm That would be the wedding dress, fifteen hundred.
That's fine, I'll just wear my suit.
- No! - Oh, no! Yes, I have a suit.
[cross-talk.]
No, no, no, I kept my wedding dress.
- Oh, it's beautiful.
- It's free if you want it.
I would be honoured.
Okay, I'm going to go up in the attic.
I'll be back in a minute.
[chuckles.]
- Hey, Annie.
- Oh, hey, Jim, hi! You okay? Oh, yeah.
I'm just I'm busy.
Oh, wait, I wanted to ask you something.
- Okay.
- What was it? I don't know.
Oh I have to ask you a favour.
It's gonna sound a little weird.
No, go ahead.
Josh asked Sheldon if he would make this kind of a party, you know.
And you want me to babysit the boys when they're at the strip club tonight? I was gonna use the word chaperone.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
[chuckles.]
Oh, that's great.
I'm just gonna get my wedding dress out of the attic.
- Your wedding dress? - Yeah, I know! [sighs.]
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim - Let's go, Danny! - Hang on! I can't find my fucking underwear! [knocking on door.]
Hi, Sheldon.
Miriam here? Uh, I'm sorry, no.
She still upset? A bit.
I get it.
I really do.
She thinks I lied to her.
And I did.
I just didn't know what to tell her.
As usual way to go, Dad.
It's Fla-fla, all over again.
Excuse me, what? Mr.
Fla-fla, he was Miriam's pet turtle.
She was ten years old.
Anyway, Mr.
Fla-fla dies.
Now, I could have told her.
But Daddy doesn't want to see his angel cry.
So I go buy an identical new turtle.
Mr.
Fla-fla Jr Identical! That's awesome, that's great.
- No, no, no, there's more.
- Okay.
Next day, I'm at work.
She storms into the office.
She's got a box with the fake Fla-fla.
She slams it down on my desk and starts screaming at me! "Where's the real Mr.
Fla-fla?" Gone.
I should have just told her the truth right away.
Right? Mr.
Goldstein, I'm sorry but it's my brother's bachelor party tonight, and I'm in charge, so I don't really have time Oh, sorry, I mean great.
Congratulations.
Wow.
Bachelor parties.
So much fun So much fun.
So much fun.
[loud music throughout.]
ERIC: Hey! Hey! Excuse me, beautiful girl, can you turn around please? Turn that around please! Turn around! Dude, you missed this perfect opportunity! What are you guys talking about? This one! He hasn't even asked his lesbo ex-wife for a threesome yet.
What? I wouldn't say it didn't cross my mind.
Should have crossed your dick, Lorne.
[laughs.]
Guys, I once had a threesome with identical twins.
No way! Yeah, and the only way you can tell them apart is that one of them was in a wheelchair.
You fucked a wheelchair girl? Yeah.
He fucked a wheelchair girl! Yeah! Yes! I wanna fuck a wheelchair girl.
- Awesome.
- Woo! Yeah! Come on! Come on, turn that around! Please turn around! Hey, hey! [snaps.]
This one here, he's getting married! Getting married! Oh, yeah? - Yeah! - Hey, what the fuck! Sit down, you already had your turn! Turn around, sweetheart! Spend my money, spend my money! Just calm down, okay? Perfectly good ass we're lookin' at, no? Just calm down.
Thank you.
Sheldon! Who invited this asshole? - Ha ha.
- Be nice.
Boring! For the record, when Dad's being nice, it makes this asshole's skin crawl.
Disdain! Disgust! And derision! These are the mighty lynchpins of our relationship.
Sheldon, do not tamper with the fabric of our reality! No, do not! - Hey, Father? - Yes.
Father, I've got something very important to tell you.
Oh, Clever Danny.
[farts.]
Clever Danny.
Okay.
Danny, sit down, bud.
[giggling.]
So where'd you meet? High school.
That's so beautiful! I love her lots.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
[.]
- Keep the change.
- Thanks, man.
- Six tequila.
- You got it.
And, uh, Sheldon? Uh, I'm good.
Did I ever tell you about Miriam's Mr.
Fla-fla? Yes, you did, earlier today.
Ah, right.
No, but I didn't finish the story! First, about an hour after Miriam storms out of my office, I get the call.
Will I bring the new Mr.
Fla-fla home after work? Sure.
Which is when I discover the new Mr.
Fla-fla is dead.
When Miriam slammed that fucking box, she killed Fla-fla Jr.
So now we got two dead turtles.
So you tell me, what would you have done? Tell your precious angel you are the owner of two dead reptiles? Or would you go get Fla-fla Jr.
Jr? Or would you tell her that you and her mom are fucking? I don't know, sir.
I got Fla-fla Jr.
Jr.
I got away with it.
[.]
[laughter.]
[glasses clink.]
Come on! Start the show! Just a second! - Yeah, we want to see! - Yeah! [humming Here Comes the Bride.]
- Aw - Aw Oh look! [quiet giggles.]
Let's see.
Okay, just pull.
[pulling zipper.]
[mouths.]
Tight.
I think it shrunk.
Yeah, like my ass shrunk.
[laughter.]
I hear ya.
No, we're gonna have to get this altered.
I think maybe we can get an inch out of the bodice.
I think you're gonna need a little bit more than that.
[laughs.]
I know.
Am I fat? - No! - No, no, honey! You think I look stupid.
Oh, honey, of course not! Well, I don't want this dress, it's broken.
Oh, okay.
Well, we'll get you a new dress.
A bride should have what she wants.
That's a thousand dollars.
You said I was gonna get a free dress.
Well, you can't fit into the free dress.
So we're gonna have to have it altered.
Alterations cost money.
Money is for the house! No, no, no, you don't understand.
I'm gonna pay for the alterations.
It won't cost you a cent.
You two just don't get it! She's offering to pay for everything.
With money! Yes, my money.
Your money? It is my money.
We're losing our house.
There's no "your" money.
Josh and I need all the money.
Look, I am letting you put all your father's money and all your dead aunt's money into your house.
I am giving you money that I have been saving for over 20 years to pay for your wedding! That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my entire life! [exhales.]
So you said you'd help me with the wedding, but you're also working that night.
Yeah, so? Danny, they're happening at the same time! You can't do both.
Relax! I'll figure it out! Yes! Cease and Desist, sir! For time and space mean nothing to Danny Lubbe.
Right on, Pops! [laughing.]
Hey, hey! Can I tell you something hilarious? I doubt it! But you could try.
I'm not your dad.
[laughter.]
Ta-da! Your mom confessed, she lied to me.
I'm not your dad! [laughs.]
She has no idea who your dad is! [laughs.]
What the fuck? [laughs.]
For real? Yes! She picked me [chuckles.]
because I had a job and I seemed, uh normal-ish.
[laughs.]
Danny, I'm sorry.
- Jesus.
- Fuck, I'm not.
What were you thinking? I was just waitin' for the right moment.
Drunk at a strip club? Sheldon! - Danny - I am free! I am free! Yeah! [thump.]
[car alarm.]
Sheldon! Sheldon! It's Josh! Hurry, please! [bottles breaking.]
[car alarm.]
Go get him, go! [Danny screaming.]
[door opens.]
Sorry! Sorry! I'm so sorry! I really am.
I'm It's late.
Sh-shit! I'm so sorry! It was an important business meeting.
Lives were saved! Great.
Oh is Miriam still mad? What's the matter, Miriam, mmm? I am not telling my problems to a drunk.
Would you tell them to an incontinent person? 'Cause I think I just pi-- [laughs.]
pissed myself! No! I'm good.
Okay.
Well, I'm leaving.
Cody's sleeping upstairs.
Come on! Come on, please.
What is it? Boys? Parents? You pregnant? Somebody steal your Barbies? What happened? Okay, know what? Fuck you.
Try, my lesbian mom is cheating on her girlfriend with my dad.
[raspy laugh.]
[laughs.]
[slams table.]
That is so fucked up! Oh, I know.
No way! Oh my god, wow.
- Like, you want some advice? - No.
Good.
You're smart.
Want me to get you something do drink too? [coughs.]
[laughs.]
[imitates cough.]
Thanks.
You need me to come back tomorrow? Yes, please, you're the best thing on TV.
Oh, come on! Don't be like that.
Come on! [baby cries.]
[muffled moaning.]
Oh! Ah! Okay.
No, don't go! Ow! Ow! JOSH: Ow! Stop that! STRIPPER: Stop moving! JIM: Oh, fuck.
[sighs.]
Well, we almost made it out of here.
She was trying to take my zipper down with her teeth.
That's fantastic! I know, right? Then her braces get stuck.
Don't move! Ow! I'm not! Can you pull her off? - Yeah, okay.
- No, no! If you pull my braces off, I will kill you! They cost seven grand.
Okay, that's a no.
I can't go home like this! Right? Shandra will suspect something.
Yeah, she's like Sherlock Holmes that way.
I know.
[whimpers.]
Think of something! I dunno.
Hold on, I know a guy.
He used to be-- well, he still is-- he's kind of a dentist.
Are you talking about "Dr.
Stewart"? I am, do you know him? Yeah, but he's banned from the club.
- Again? - Mm-hmm.
[whimpers.]
[raspy laugh.]
Okay, I'll think of something.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim [raspy laugh.]
[music blaring inside.]
STRIPPER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys! Guys! [men grunting.]
JOSH: Ow, shit! STRIPPER: Be careful.
Bump! Bump! - Oh! - Ow, fuck! God! - Ow! - Careful, Danny! Shut up, you're not my dad! This is the worst blow job ever! Fuck! Ow! [car doors close.]
JIM: Five hundred? Aw, come on, Stewart, this'll take ten minutes.
STEWART: It's 2 o'clock in the morning.
Five hundred! JIM: How long have I known you? You know, I'm at home, reading a good book, eating some mu shu pork, and you call me out of that? [stammers.]
He's getting married.
STEWART: You want to shop around, you go right ahead.
You hit the yellow pages.
It's 2 o'clock in the morning.
Okay, all right, okay.
One, two, three, four, five Well, there's your wedding present from me, only you owe me four hundred.
Hey, Melissa! Hey, Stewie.
Hey, uh, how's Trudy? She still doesn't want to talk to you.
[groans.]
I know.
You know, I love her so much.
Yeah, Stewie.
She likes girls! I know.
All right, let's get to it.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! - Wait a minute! - Yes! - I made it! - Nice, bro.
Get over here, get a shot! Come on, guys, let's go! You can't be serious.
- Yep.
JIM: - Get in there, go on.
Sheldon! And to think I was worried before we came here this place wouldn't be classy enough for you bunch of idiots.
[laughs.]
321 Whoa! Porn and tits and porn and tits Shut up! And buttholes! [laughs.]
JOSH: Where's the fridge? Eric, beer? Get the chips! - I'm bushed.
- Danny, wait.
Come here.
JOSH: Slide that puppy in! Woo! Porn and beer and porn and beer You okay? [scoffs.]
I just got a 200 pound talking money off my back.
I couldn't be better.
Good night.
JOSH: Woo! [laughs.]
Okay, so everybody's home safe and sound then? Yeah? Okay, I'm out of here.
Wait, you're not gonna stay and watch the porn? Call me old-fashioned, but, as far as I'm concerned, watching porn is not a team sport.
- What? - Really? Thanks for everything tonight, Jim.
No problem.
And I'm gonna tell Mom you saved the day, all right? No, no, don't say anything.
Actually, uh if you get a chance.
[moaning on TV.]
Sit down! Okay.
I can't believe I found this DVD.
I know.
You get why it's special yet? No [moaning continues.]
Wait, is that you? [laughs.]
So cool, right? Dude, you recognize the other guy? That's the sound guy from Thunder Bay OPP.
- Randal? - Yeah! What a weird cock! That's awesome! You don't remember any of this? The road trip to Niagara Falls! We were gonna shoot the AD's short film about Mozart, but we forgot the props, so we shot a porno instead! [laughs.]
Niagara Falls? Dude, you recognize the girl? No! Should I? What? You don't recognize your first wife? What are you talking about? Dude, we got shitfaced! And then you married Susan Perry on a dare.
Lookit.
The certificate.
It's in the DVD case.
[moaning on TV.]
I'm married? And I'm fucking your wife! That's hilarious! [laughs.]
[awkward laugh.]
[woman moaning on TV.]
[sighs.]
Okay, sure.
Fine.
Thanks.
You're amazing! You're an angel! How much do I owe you? I usually get 10 an hour.
Screw usually, I'm giving you 15.
But you gotta come back.
WOMAN: I didn't intend for this to happen.
And I was sure we were done.
I feel for you both.
But there is Miriam.
Don't you have to tell her something soon? - How soon? - Soon.
What's wrong? Your mom and dad are fucking back together! They didn't tell me.
Danny's not my real son.
Does Danny know? No, I'm just waiting 'til I get over the shock to tell him.
How long have you known? A year and a half.
[Shandra makes excited noise.]
Josh, it's perfect! Honey, it's, like, 45 grand over our high-end.
I put a deposit down today on Oceanview.
What? We can't afford that.
I know, but we almost can.
[birds chirping.]
These are the three stairs off the living room! And this! Oh, these are where the built-ins are gonna be! Oh, and where exactly is our fireplace? Right in front of you.
Oh, so romantic! And it can be gas or wood-burning.
It's up to you.
- Gas.
- Wood.
Wood it is.
[chuckling.]
Oh, you guys are so sweet.
I can just tell you are going to love this place! I'll just get that cheque from you, and we're all good.
What cheque? The balance for the deposit.
What? You said it wasn't due yet.
That was before the Chinese came through.
Like locusts.
Wait, is that racist? I just meant that they're buying up everything.
We don't have the money yet! Well, I sent you guys the letter.
A letter? Nobody sends letters! Well, I do, and it said that you need a full down payment by the end of the month-- It's all in the letter.
Josh, hit her! Fuck her up! What the hell? Honey, she's a girl.
Then I'll do it.
[loud scream.]
Okay! Okay, bye-bye.
[screaming.]
Okay.
You might want to go.
[Shandra grunting.]
We're gonna we're gonna lose the house! [grunting.]
Hey! Close the door, you dumb bitch! [loud grunting.]
It's okay Up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Watched the North End die And sang I love this town Then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim I hate Winnipeg You want me to help plan your wedding? I've been waiting for this! [laughs.]
I'm so happy! - So you'll do it? - Of course! Ah, nice.
[laughs.]
Of course! Okay, so when's the big day gonna be? [clicks pen.]
This weekend.
What? Not seriously.
We're gonna lose our house! We need to get married.
We need a down payment now! JOSH: Which was gonna be the problem, see, but then we came up with the best idea ever! Shandra's dad already has money in the bank for the wedding, plus her dead aunt-- what's her name? Cleo, I never met her.
willed her 10 grand when she gets married, so, if we get married now, keep it cheap, we'll almost have enough for the deposit.
[sighs.]
So you're getting married in two days? I wanted to do it today, but-- JOSH: Either way! First born's getting married! Still a wedding! [chuckles.]
Right? So will you help? Sure, hey, it'll be fun.
Boom! That's my mom! 'Kay, well, I'll leave you two girls to the details.
- What? - You're gonna leave all of this just to two of us? Hi guys.
No.
Hi Clara, thank you.
For what? [door opens and closes.]
What? MIRIAM: Okay, you know what, Dad? No, I'm not okay, to tell you the truth.
Okay, you want to do what? Where? Are you serious? No, fuck you! We are This is done! Fuck! [phone beeps.]
Morning, sunshine.
[exhales.]
Sorry.
My daddy said, "We need to talk".
He was gonna take me for fucking ice-cream! What the fuck am I, eight? - Ridiculous.
- Fuck.
[phone rings.]
[beep.]
Leave me alone! Oh my god, oh my god.
Do you think I'm over-reacting? Hey, your mom cheated on your dad with Lisa, now she's cheating on Lisa with your dad.
It's messed up.
Yeah, and I'm saving money for Europe, and I have to babysit, which I hate, and it's like everything is going to shit.
It's going to a big shitfest, and it's just a shitstorm of shit, and it's just [phone rings.]
Jesus! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Gimme this, okay? Phone off is better than phone broken.
Trust me.
Now, forget about dad for a minute.
Just take a nice deep breath.
[inhales.]
[faltering exhalation.]
See? Everything's fine this minute.
Now just think, what would make you feel better? What do you want to do? I don't know, why don't you suggest something? Okay.
Why don't we go for a nice, long walk? Maybe down to the Black Sheep diner, huh? No! Fuck, no! I've got to work! Fuck! Okay, okay, Miriam! I have to work on, like, the shittiest day of my life! Miriam! Look at me.
[taking deep breaths.]
See? Everything's still fine, okay? Yep.
You're gonna go to work, and you're gonna come back, and we're gonna go on that nice, long walk.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
[phone beeps.]
A-ha, now he's trying to call you.
Don't you fucking answer that phone! It's Josh.
May I? Yeah, sure.
[phone beeps.]
Hello? Wait, Josh, Josh, Josh! I'm still just a little unclear on the situation here.
[groans.]
It is a simple concept, Sheldon, okay? You and Eric are co-best men.
Co-best man! Here's the deal.
You are gonna organize the bachelor party.
Okay, wait, wait.
This bachelor party's not going to include ladies of the evening, right? JOSH: Are you talkin' about hookers? Because "ladies of the evening" kinda sound like you're talking about vampires which would be retarded.
[as Dracula.]
"I vant to suck your cock".
Dude! That would be a great movie.
Vampire Hookers, and their only weakness is the ten inch stake that you keep in your pants.
[grunts.]
I'm not hiring hookers.
I don't want hookers! What kind of guy do you think I am? Right, sorry.
You're the new and improved Josh, my mistake.
Wait, there's gonna be strippers though, right? - Totally.
- Yes! And he's back.
Look, guys, I'm not comfortable with the whole stripper thing.
That's because you're fat.
I'm just screwin' with my co-best man! Huh? But seriously, you'd better get on it though.
Why, what's the hurry? When's the date? - Uh, tonight! - Tonight? So the date is tonight.
Josh, you can't be serious! JOSH: We're adults! We have shit to do! Is he serious? Apparently, that's what your mom said too.
I don't know anything about strip clubs.
[calculator clacks.]
Fancy Dancer's not bad.
It's kind of fun.
'Course, not the cleanest, so don't wear your favourite pants.
[raspy laugh.]
- Okay.
- Okay.
Um, how many bodies constitute a stag? 'Cause Josh doesn't have any real friends.
Well, that's not a bad question.
I'd say, okay, two guys at a stag.
That's kind of creepy.
Four guys at a stag.
Also creepy.
I think you got to try and get at least six.
Okay, than.
Hey, do you want to come? I'm officially inviting you.
No, no, no, no way, I can't.
I mean, I'm honoured, but drinking establishments and me, that's a no-go.
You don't have to drink.
See, that's the thing.
I'm brilliant at resisting temptation except when there's actual temptation to resist and then I fall apart.
[sighs.]
Sorry.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, I can really use one other grown-up there, so Okay, Shel.
Not gonna happen.
[door closes.]
So, you're just blowing me off? No, it's my brother's stag! I can't, I'm sorry! You're sorry? My life is shit, and you're the only person I can talk to about it.
Why don't you talk to Danny? Danny? - Okay, I withdraw the suggestion.
- Danny? I withdraw the suggestion! You just enjoy your strippers, okay? Miriam - Miriam! - What? Give me a break! I'm trying! [exhales.]
Thank you.
[door opens and closes.]
Hey! Heard my name and the word "stripper".
Uh, yeah, Josh is having a bachelor party.
Oh, I'm in! - It's tonight.
- In! Good, um I was thinking about inviting your dad-- Just for numbers.
Would that be cool? Mmm yeah, sure.
We've been hanging a lot this week.
Putting in some quality time.
It's great.
He thinks we're bonding.
- You're not bonding? - Nope.
- Getting him to lower his guard.
- For what? I'm not sure yet, I'm thinking maybe a suckerpunch.
Got any ideas? You could try not suckerpunching him.
[scoffs.]
Not my style, Shelly.
[door closes.]
We've got the chairs.
[calculator clacks.]
And a chuppah from Bellaire.
[clacks.]
We've got thirty guests.
ANNE: Yep, that's about 400.
That's your basics.
All right.
Add 'er up.
[clacks.]
- 5400 dollars.
- 5400 dollars! That is way too much.
Well, didn't your aunt leave you money? - Ten thousand.
- And your dad? Eight thousand.
And how much do you need for the down payment on the house? Thirty thousand.
Oh.
I don't want to get married at the zoo.
What are you talking about? Isn't that where poor people go to get married for free? No! You mean I can't even get married at the zoo? That's pathetic.
[sobs.]
Stop! No! Come on! Oh.
[sobs.]
I'm gonna pay for the wedding.
- What? - I have some money saved.
Oh, Annie, your Sam money? Yes, it's for a rainy day.
And this sure feels like rain.
- Really? - Yes.
Oh! [high-pitch whimper.]
Okay.
No, I can't spend all your money! What can we cut? What's the most expensive thing? - Uh - Hm That would be the wedding dress, fifteen hundred.
That's fine, I'll just wear my suit.
- No! - Oh, no! Yes, I have a suit.
[cross-talk.]
No, no, no, I kept my wedding dress.
- Oh, it's beautiful.
- It's free if you want it.
I would be honoured.
Okay, I'm going to go up in the attic.
I'll be back in a minute.
[chuckles.]
- Hey, Annie.
- Oh, hey, Jim, hi! You okay? Oh, yeah.
I'm just I'm busy.
Oh, wait, I wanted to ask you something.
- Okay.
- What was it? I don't know.
Oh I have to ask you a favour.
It's gonna sound a little weird.
No, go ahead.
Josh asked Sheldon if he would make this kind of a party, you know.
And you want me to babysit the boys when they're at the strip club tonight? I was gonna use the word chaperone.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
[chuckles.]
Oh, that's great.
I'm just gonna get my wedding dress out of the attic.
- Your wedding dress? - Yeah, I know! [sighs.]
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim - Let's go, Danny! - Hang on! I can't find my fucking underwear! [knocking on door.]
Hi, Sheldon.
Miriam here? Uh, I'm sorry, no.
She still upset? A bit.
I get it.
I really do.
She thinks I lied to her.
And I did.
I just didn't know what to tell her.
As usual way to go, Dad.
It's Fla-fla, all over again.
Excuse me, what? Mr.
Fla-fla, he was Miriam's pet turtle.
She was ten years old.
Anyway, Mr.
Fla-fla dies.
Now, I could have told her.
But Daddy doesn't want to see his angel cry.
So I go buy an identical new turtle.
Mr.
Fla-fla Jr Identical! That's awesome, that's great.
- No, no, no, there's more.
- Okay.
Next day, I'm at work.
She storms into the office.
She's got a box with the fake Fla-fla.
She slams it down on my desk and starts screaming at me! "Where's the real Mr.
Fla-fla?" Gone.
I should have just told her the truth right away.
Right? Mr.
Goldstein, I'm sorry but it's my brother's bachelor party tonight, and I'm in charge, so I don't really have time Oh, sorry, I mean great.
Congratulations.
Wow.
Bachelor parties.
So much fun So much fun.
So much fun.
[loud music throughout.]
ERIC: Hey! Hey! Excuse me, beautiful girl, can you turn around please? Turn that around please! Turn around! Dude, you missed this perfect opportunity! What are you guys talking about? This one! He hasn't even asked his lesbo ex-wife for a threesome yet.
What? I wouldn't say it didn't cross my mind.
Should have crossed your dick, Lorne.
[laughs.]
Guys, I once had a threesome with identical twins.
No way! Yeah, and the only way you can tell them apart is that one of them was in a wheelchair.
You fucked a wheelchair girl? Yeah.
He fucked a wheelchair girl! Yeah! Yes! I wanna fuck a wheelchair girl.
- Awesome.
- Woo! Yeah! Come on! Come on, turn that around! Please turn around! Hey, hey! [snaps.]
This one here, he's getting married! Getting married! Oh, yeah? - Yeah! - Hey, what the fuck! Sit down, you already had your turn! Turn around, sweetheart! Spend my money, spend my money! Just calm down, okay? Perfectly good ass we're lookin' at, no? Just calm down.
Thank you.
Sheldon! Who invited this asshole? - Ha ha.
- Be nice.
Boring! For the record, when Dad's being nice, it makes this asshole's skin crawl.
Disdain! Disgust! And derision! These are the mighty lynchpins of our relationship.
Sheldon, do not tamper with the fabric of our reality! No, do not! - Hey, Father? - Yes.
Father, I've got something very important to tell you.
Oh, Clever Danny.
[farts.]
Clever Danny.
Okay.
Danny, sit down, bud.
[giggling.]
So where'd you meet? High school.
That's so beautiful! I love her lots.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
[.]
- Keep the change.
- Thanks, man.
- Six tequila.
- You got it.
And, uh, Sheldon? Uh, I'm good.
Did I ever tell you about Miriam's Mr.
Fla-fla? Yes, you did, earlier today.
Ah, right.
No, but I didn't finish the story! First, about an hour after Miriam storms out of my office, I get the call.
Will I bring the new Mr.
Fla-fla home after work? Sure.
Which is when I discover the new Mr.
Fla-fla is dead.
When Miriam slammed that fucking box, she killed Fla-fla Jr.
So now we got two dead turtles.
So you tell me, what would you have done? Tell your precious angel you are the owner of two dead reptiles? Or would you go get Fla-fla Jr.
Jr? Or would you tell her that you and her mom are fucking? I don't know, sir.
I got Fla-fla Jr.
Jr.
I got away with it.
[.]
[laughter.]
[glasses clink.]
Come on! Start the show! Just a second! - Yeah, we want to see! - Yeah! [humming Here Comes the Bride.]
- Aw - Aw Oh look! [quiet giggles.]
Let's see.
Okay, just pull.
[pulling zipper.]
[mouths.]
Tight.
I think it shrunk.
Yeah, like my ass shrunk.
[laughter.]
I hear ya.
No, we're gonna have to get this altered.
I think maybe we can get an inch out of the bodice.
I think you're gonna need a little bit more than that.
[laughs.]
I know.
Am I fat? - No! - No, no, honey! You think I look stupid.
Oh, honey, of course not! Well, I don't want this dress, it's broken.
Oh, okay.
Well, we'll get you a new dress.
A bride should have what she wants.
That's a thousand dollars.
You said I was gonna get a free dress.
Well, you can't fit into the free dress.
So we're gonna have to have it altered.
Alterations cost money.
Money is for the house! No, no, no, you don't understand.
I'm gonna pay for the alterations.
It won't cost you a cent.
You two just don't get it! She's offering to pay for everything.
With money! Yes, my money.
Your money? It is my money.
We're losing our house.
There's no "your" money.
Josh and I need all the money.
Look, I am letting you put all your father's money and all your dead aunt's money into your house.
I am giving you money that I have been saving for over 20 years to pay for your wedding! That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my entire life! [exhales.]
So you said you'd help me with the wedding, but you're also working that night.
Yeah, so? Danny, they're happening at the same time! You can't do both.
Relax! I'll figure it out! Yes! Cease and Desist, sir! For time and space mean nothing to Danny Lubbe.
Right on, Pops! [laughing.]
Hey, hey! Can I tell you something hilarious? I doubt it! But you could try.
I'm not your dad.
[laughter.]
Ta-da! Your mom confessed, she lied to me.
I'm not your dad! [laughs.]
She has no idea who your dad is! [laughs.]
What the fuck? [laughs.]
For real? Yes! She picked me [chuckles.]
because I had a job and I seemed, uh normal-ish.
[laughs.]
Danny, I'm sorry.
- Jesus.
- Fuck, I'm not.
What were you thinking? I was just waitin' for the right moment.
Drunk at a strip club? Sheldon! - Danny - I am free! I am free! Yeah! [thump.]
[car alarm.]
Sheldon! Sheldon! It's Josh! Hurry, please! [bottles breaking.]
[car alarm.]
Go get him, go! [Danny screaming.]
[door opens.]
Sorry! Sorry! I'm so sorry! I really am.
I'm It's late.
Sh-shit! I'm so sorry! It was an important business meeting.
Lives were saved! Great.
Oh is Miriam still mad? What's the matter, Miriam, mmm? I am not telling my problems to a drunk.
Would you tell them to an incontinent person? 'Cause I think I just pi-- [laughs.]
pissed myself! No! I'm good.
Okay.
Well, I'm leaving.
Cody's sleeping upstairs.
Come on! Come on, please.
What is it? Boys? Parents? You pregnant? Somebody steal your Barbies? What happened? Okay, know what? Fuck you.
Try, my lesbian mom is cheating on her girlfriend with my dad.
[raspy laugh.]
[laughs.]
[slams table.]
That is so fucked up! Oh, I know.
No way! Oh my god, wow.
- Like, you want some advice? - No.
Good.
You're smart.
Want me to get you something do drink too? [coughs.]
[laughs.]
[imitates cough.]
Thanks.
You need me to come back tomorrow? Yes, please, you're the best thing on TV.
Oh, come on! Don't be like that.
Come on! [baby cries.]
[muffled moaning.]
Oh! Ah! Okay.
No, don't go! Ow! Ow! JOSH: Ow! Stop that! STRIPPER: Stop moving! JIM: Oh, fuck.
[sighs.]
Well, we almost made it out of here.
She was trying to take my zipper down with her teeth.
That's fantastic! I know, right? Then her braces get stuck.
Don't move! Ow! I'm not! Can you pull her off? - Yeah, okay.
- No, no! If you pull my braces off, I will kill you! They cost seven grand.
Okay, that's a no.
I can't go home like this! Right? Shandra will suspect something.
Yeah, she's like Sherlock Holmes that way.
I know.
[whimpers.]
Think of something! I dunno.
Hold on, I know a guy.
He used to be-- well, he still is-- he's kind of a dentist.
Are you talking about "Dr.
Stewart"? I am, do you know him? Yeah, but he's banned from the club.
- Again? - Mm-hmm.
[whimpers.]
[raspy laugh.]
Okay, I'll think of something.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim [raspy laugh.]
[music blaring inside.]
STRIPPER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys! Guys! [men grunting.]
JOSH: Ow, shit! STRIPPER: Be careful.
Bump! Bump! - Oh! - Ow, fuck! God! - Ow! - Careful, Danny! Shut up, you're not my dad! This is the worst blow job ever! Fuck! Ow! [car doors close.]
JIM: Five hundred? Aw, come on, Stewart, this'll take ten minutes.
STEWART: It's 2 o'clock in the morning.
Five hundred! JIM: How long have I known you? You know, I'm at home, reading a good book, eating some mu shu pork, and you call me out of that? [stammers.]
He's getting married.
STEWART: You want to shop around, you go right ahead.
You hit the yellow pages.
It's 2 o'clock in the morning.
Okay, all right, okay.
One, two, three, four, five Well, there's your wedding present from me, only you owe me four hundred.
Hey, Melissa! Hey, Stewie.
Hey, uh, how's Trudy? She still doesn't want to talk to you.
[groans.]
I know.
You know, I love her so much.
Yeah, Stewie.
She likes girls! I know.
All right, let's get to it.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! - Wait a minute! - Yes! - I made it! - Nice, bro.
Get over here, get a shot! Come on, guys, let's go! You can't be serious.
- Yep.
JIM: - Get in there, go on.
Sheldon! And to think I was worried before we came here this place wouldn't be classy enough for you bunch of idiots.
[laughs.]
321 Whoa! Porn and tits and porn and tits Shut up! And buttholes! [laughs.]
JOSH: Where's the fridge? Eric, beer? Get the chips! - I'm bushed.
- Danny, wait.
Come here.
JOSH: Slide that puppy in! Woo! Porn and beer and porn and beer You okay? [scoffs.]
I just got a 200 pound talking money off my back.
I couldn't be better.
Good night.
JOSH: Woo! [laughs.]
Okay, so everybody's home safe and sound then? Yeah? Okay, I'm out of here.
Wait, you're not gonna stay and watch the porn? Call me old-fashioned, but, as far as I'm concerned, watching porn is not a team sport.
- What? - Really? Thanks for everything tonight, Jim.
No problem.
And I'm gonna tell Mom you saved the day, all right? No, no, don't say anything.
Actually, uh if you get a chance.
[moaning on TV.]
Sit down! Okay.
I can't believe I found this DVD.
I know.
You get why it's special yet? No [moaning continues.]
Wait, is that you? [laughs.]
So cool, right? Dude, you recognize the other guy? That's the sound guy from Thunder Bay OPP.
- Randal? - Yeah! What a weird cock! That's awesome! You don't remember any of this? The road trip to Niagara Falls! We were gonna shoot the AD's short film about Mozart, but we forgot the props, so we shot a porno instead! [laughs.]
Niagara Falls? Dude, you recognize the girl? No! Should I? What? You don't recognize your first wife? What are you talking about? Dude, we got shitfaced! And then you married Susan Perry on a dare.
Lookit.
The certificate.
It's in the DVD case.
[moaning on TV.]
I'm married? And I'm fucking your wife! That's hilarious! [laughs.]
[awkward laugh.]
[woman moaning on TV.]