Less Than Kind (2008) s04e05 Episode Script

Something Blue

1 Previously on Less than Kind Josh, it's perfect! So you're getting married in two days? We're gonna lose our house! - I'm gonna pay for the wedding.
- What? We're losing our house! There's no "your" money! Josh and I need all the money! You recognize the girl? No! You don't recognize your first wife? I'm married? Is Miriam here? I'm sorry, no.
She still upset? Don't you fucking answer that phone! What's the matter, Miriam, hm? Somebody steal your Barbies? Try my lesbian mom is cheating on her girlfriend with my dad.
You need me to come back tomorrow? Yeah, you're the best thing on TV.
Daddy's up! - Get out! - Did you tell her the good news? That I can see your nuts? No, that I'm an orphan.
What are you talking about? I found out that homo, Franklin Lubbe, is not my dad! - What's he talking about? - It's true.
Lubbe told him at Josh's bachelor party last night.
Lubbe's not your dad? Nope.
Danny, I'm so sorry.
Why? It's the best news ever! I'm fuckin' pumped! No, you're not.
Hey, fuck you, okay? It's Franklin Lubbe.
Danny, you're gonna be late! Danny, you missed your dentist appointment! Danny, put some clothes on! Who Who'd want that in their DNA? Hey, don't look at me like that, okay? At least your dad is sometimes cool.
He bought us, like, 55 shots at the bar last night.
Huh? Uh, what was he doing there? Uh, he came looking for you.
Oh, at a strip club! No, no, he came here first, and then he just kind of tagged along, Miriam.
Oh, so you invited him! Okay.
Well, did you guys have a nice chat? No, not really, no.
- Get out, Sheldon.
- Miriam, no.
- Get out.
- Miriam, no.
- Get out! - Whoa! - Get out! Get out! - Stop! Stop! - Calm down! - Get out! - Stop! Ow! - Get out! Ow! Jesus! - Holy shit! - Miriam, what the fuck! Fuck off! Hey, are you crazy? You've gotta let her calm down for, like, 10 minutes.
Miriam, listen, okay-- - Did she just throw the dresser? - Yeah.
Better give her an hour.
And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Watched the north end die And sang I love this town Then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim I Hate Winnipeg I think we can get the wedding costs down to $800.
Poor Sheldon.
Do you need tuxedos? 'Cause you've got that nice suit; it's free.
I already ordered the tuxedos.
So cancel them.
You can't just cancel tuxedos.
I made a verbal contract with the tuxedo people.
Why don't you cancel your wedding dress? I did.
Okay! See? You want to start our marriage off by changing whom he is, whom his values are, whom he be There you are! You're late! I'm way early.
Did you bring your passport? Yeah, I don't really know why I need a passport though.
'Cause tuxedos are important.
The rental company claims that we cancelled the chuppah.
Well, at least we're saving money there.
I don't know if I can get married in a Jewish home without a chuppah.
Fucking chuppah! No fucking chuppah! Okay, guess that settles that.
- 'Kay, whoa! - Let's go! Hi, Miriam, it's me So please call me back, I just want to make sure you're okay.
Okay? Jesus.
Jesus! Motherfucker! The store's on Inkster! We're not going to Inkster, we're going to the airport.
Why are we going to the airport? To get on a plane, duh! Okay, what did you do? I have to get a divorce.
You have to get married first! I am married! To Susan! - Who's Susan? - My wife, you idiot! Aren't you paying attention? We're going to Toronto to get me a divorce.
You've got a wife in Toronto? What do you expect me to do? You're the best man! You know what best men do, they make things happen.
Now do your job! Please stop crying.
I'll give you 500 bucks if you just stop crying! Hey.
I tee off in 20 minutes.
Don't I pay extra for you to be on time? I'm 5 minutes late! Wow.
I think he's broken.
Why does he cry all the time? Is it gas? Diapers? Food? What is it? He's got colic.
That's what colicky babies do, they cry.
Thank you very much, Dr.
- Fuck you, you asked.
- Fuck you, you're late.
Fuck you, I quit! Whoa! Whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, just kidding.
- I'm just kidding.
You okay? - No.
What's the matter? Is it your dad again? - What? - My dad and my boyfriend.
Whoa, your dad's fucking Sheldon now? Is he pitching or catching? Too much? I'm sorry.
Look, please don't quit.
Please don't quit! But if you do, please take the fucking baby! You are such an asshole.
On that note, I will see you later.
Hey, remember, I've got that wedding tonight.
You can't be late.
Oh, no? Watch me.
I'm serious.
I will kill you.
Ooh! Six o'clock.
I'll see you later.
Good day, m'lady.
Josh! Josh! Josh! I don't know what you expect me to do! I suck with words.
I need you to talk her into divorcing me! What makes you think she won't want out of it just as much as you? Bro I know this is hard for you to understand 'cause you've only banged, like, two girls in your life, but chicks dig me, okay? What if she sees me and she decides she still needs a piece? I need you to make sure that doesn't happen.
Can you do that? Do I have a choice? No.
Hi, I'm Sheldon, you're a caller.
Leave a message.
Hey, I got your message All right, call me back.
Hi, I'm Sheldon, you're-- Hi, I'm Sheldon-- Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
Susan is so looking forward to seeing you again, Mr.
She's just finishing up a call to Buenos Aires.
She owns this place! Think she's loaded? - Well, that's a Tom Thomson.
- Who? From the Group of Seven? It's worth a fortune.
Josh Blair! You're doing a hundred in a school zone Now, I said step out of the fucking car, miss! I'm sorry? Our scene When I strip-searched you for drugs? Oh, of course, yes.
Oh, delightful.
Oh! - Mmm, you smell good! - Thank you! So, you are still acting then? No, I'm in a business too.
Not at your level.
I certainly don't have a Tony Thomson hangin' on the wall.
Hi, I'm Sheldon, Josh's brother.
Oh, hello Sheldon.
You're probably wondering why we're here.
Concise and to the point.
I like that.
Josh is getting married.
Congratulations, Josh.
Yeah, and he's gonna need a divorce from you.
- Pardon me? - M-hm Funny story Remember when Doug the AD asked us to shoot that short film that he wrote? Oh my god, the boat.
The boat? And the 7-11? I forgot! That's where we had the reception! Uh, your marriage certificate.
The form on the bottom is a divorce petition.
Uh Um If you could just fill that out Um, and you just want a divorce? His fiancée would really appreciate it.
She does not know.
Okay! Well you two You are officially my most interesting meeting of the day.
So you just stay right where you are, and I, I will be, uh, right back.
Why is she laughing? Probably the idea that she's married to you? You got the free glasses! Yep, I got them on loan.
Get that top one.
Jim, would you pay eight dollars for a glass of wine? Well, there's been times when I would have emptied my wallet for a glass of wine.
Eight dollars it is.
Oh, hi, Annie.
I went to get the chuppah.
I'm sorry, Jim, I forgot to call you.
We're not getting one.
Isn't that kind of a major Jewish thing? Yes, you're right.
It's tradition.
But apparently that doesn't matter anymore, so goodbye chuppah.
'Kay, what else would you like me to do? Is there anything? Uh, yes, could you please pick up the wedding cake? Wedding cake, okay.
Wedding cake? I'm not paying for that.
You don't have to, Annie is.
Well, Josh and I would rather have the money than cake.
No! I wanted flowers, you said no.
"Give me the money instead.
" Fine.
I wanted a photographer.
You said no.
"Give me the money instead.
" I was fine with that too.
I am having a wedding cake.
Then if we're having cake, we're charging by the slice.
If you charge for this cake, then there will be no cake! - Fine, no cake.
- We're having cake! - Get the cake.
- Don't you fucking move! Why aren't you supporting me? It is my wedding.
No, this isn't a wedding.
A wedding has a cake.
And flowers! And a chuppah! And a wedding dress! Why aren't you wearing Annie's wedding dress? Jim, I gave her my wedding dress.
Alterations cost money! And Josh and I would rather have the money for our house so we can start our life together! So you're using my son's wedding as a cash grab? It's so vulgar.
You are so greedy, you don't even care that your own father won't be here to walk you down the aisle.
Have you ever heard of a wedding like this? I went to one wedding one time and the bride goes, "I do", then she stabbed the groom.
Oh Well, are you gonna come? Is that an actual invitation? Well, Jim, there are no actual invitations.
There might even be a fucking cover charge! Annie Annie! So what about this cake then? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! No! No! No! God, would you keep it down? Do not start with me! I just had the worst game of my entire life-- lost a hundred bucks to a fucking idiot! Don't you laugh at me.
You don't play golf.
Well, apparently, neither do you.
Cody's sleeping, he needs to be fed when he wakes up.
No, no, no, no Please don't go, please don't go.
Sometimes when I lose, I can get a little bit stressed.
Will you just stay one more hour? I can't, I told you.
Please? Please just one hour! I'll give you fifty bucks.
A hundred.
I'm worth as much as any idiot.
I can live with that.
Oh can you Thank you.
I can't believe this.
I know.
Okay, Susan, you can just sign here and initial there.
All right, well, there goes my marriage.
It's five years more than mine.
Okay, Josh, your turn.
You can just sign here and there.
I want that painting.
Excuse me? Isn't that how a divorce works? Richer person gives the poorer person money or stuff? Well, I advise you to sign the document, Josh, before this gets unpleasant.
- I have a sex tape of her.
- Josh, no! A sex tape? Yeah, of you bangin' my best friend Eric.
Wait a minute.
You cheated on me.
That makes you an adulterer! I want to see all the paintings.
Stop it! Stop it, please.
Susan Is this possible? Yeah.
You're saying there's a sex tape of my client out there.
No, not out there.
Right here.
And I'm in possession of the only copy in existence.
Check, and mate.
- Hey, give that back! - I don't think so.
Well, then, I want that painting.
Josh, you're going to need to go right now - or I'm calling the police.
- Yeah, Josh, we're going.
No, we're not going.
I'm calling the police because you just stole my tape.
You mean this tape? That you were going to blackmail me with? Who said anything about blackmailing? Thank you so much.
And you totally didn't have to do that, I really, rely do appreciate it.
- Okay.
- I'm so sorry again.
I understand.
He really didn't mean anything by it.
Sign this.
If I sign these, I don't get anything.
You get Shandra.
Better luck on your next marriage, Josh.
- Yeah, you too.
- Thanks.
Hey, no, let's go.
Miriam? How did you know I was here? What? Uh, well, Sheldon mentioned that you were working.
Sheldon told you? I just came to talk to you.
I don't want to talk, I am working.
Miriam Get out.
How are you? Get out! So where do we tell them we were today? I don't know.
That's a tomorrow problem.
Who do you have to lie to? Shit! I turned my phone off on the plane.
You actually do that? Yes.
Fourteen messages? Okay, I accept your apology.
I'm sorry, my phone was off.
But guess where I was today.
I don't give a shit! You told my dad where I work! I did? - You don't remember.
- No, I just-- You are fucking pathetic.
You make everything worse! Can we not do this? I don't want to fight at the wedding.
Then you can go to the wedding on your own, Sheldon.
- What? - Pussy-whipped.
Who won that round? Nobody.
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like without Shandra? All the time, bro.
All the time.
So why are you getting married? Your whole history is fighting and breaking up.
The sex is crazy.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sorry, I burnt the toast.
Yeah, I can see that.
Please don't cry don't cry, don't cry It's all right, you can check me out.
I wasn't ch-- That wasn't a full hour, I've still got twenty minutes.
Who wants to see the most beautiful bride in the world? Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! We are at $240! People, I'm not marrying less than a $300 bride! - Just get through, Annie.
- Just-- - Have you ever been to a wedding like this? - No.
From your pocket to the hat, from your wallet to the hat Where's Miriam? She's late.
She's not coming, she's not feeling well.
Well, that makes all of us.
Josh, I believe that makes - Three-hundred dollars! - Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen-- - The bride! - The bride! Your wedding dress.
- How'd she get her fat ass into that? - Clara! Not now.
I got it! I got it! Stop the music! Stop the music! Pause for a second.
Shandra, we didn't think it was right that you walk down the aisle alone, so Dad! My baby! How's your cruise? Oh, it's great.
Turkey's everything you heard about and more.
Stay the fuck out of Bosnia.
The food's unbelievable Dad, Dad, Dad! I'm getting married right now.
Oh, yeah, all right, let's do this! Okay.
Hi! Thanks for coming! Nice to see you.
Is that Anne? Hi, Anne! How weird is this? Hi Terry.
It's pretty weird.
Is that the rabbi? Nope, just my homo ex-dad.
Okay C'mon, let's get 'er done.
Dearly beloved we're gathered here today in the sight of God Oh Okay Are you lost, Madam? Miriam, you should go.
You really should go.
Seriously, this is - This is wrong.
- I know.
This is so wrong.
This is so mind-blowingly, incredibly fucking wrong.
You really should consult a family lawyer, I do commercial law.
You really okay? I'm fine.
I'm happy about it.
Sheldon! - Fuck, he's coming.
- Danny I can't help but notice Danny's giving me a wide berth.
Just give him some time, Mr.
It's a lot to take in.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - Ten bucks! Ten bucks! - No! This one's a freebie.
Aw! Okay, I want to make a toast now.
I want to say thank you for making our wedding day so special to one person in particular.
To my future mother-in-law.
Oh, wait! To my mother-in-law, Anne Blecher.
Oh, thank you.
Oh my.
- How could I not drink to that? - Me too! - Bottoms up! - Mmm.
Honestly, this is the happiest day of my life because, as happy as Josh and I are right now, I know I'm going to make him even happier.
All right, bring it on! I know I've been driving you a little crazy with the house, but there's a reason that we might need it.
Because, for the last few weeks, I've been carrying around a little secret.
- Oh - Everybody, shh! She's got a secret! Baby, what's the secret? It's not gonna be just the two of us against the world, it's going to be the three of us! The three of us? Yes! Thank you, thank you! No, Josh! What? Josh you're gonna be a dad.
I'm just packing some clothes, then I'm going back to my mom's.
Because of me? I'm so sorry.
I'm just I'm so fucked up I don't know what I'm doing.
Do you even like me anymore? Yeah, of course I do, I'm just I'm sorry.
I don't know how to help you anymore.
I'm so tired.
Okay, well, sleep.