Letterkenny (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

The Election

You're having some beers in the barn with your pals the other day So, have you figured out what you're gonna do as first act of Ag Hall President there, super shoots? You're looking at it, pea shoots.
No, he's talking about a charitable act, big shooter.
We'll advise you there, shoots and ladders.
We'll be your team, - half court shooter.
- K.
Like when Obamas became president, he started bringing troops home.
Oh, is that what he did? Or when Trudeau became Prime Minister, he started bringing refugees over.
Oh, did he do that? Whatever you do, just make sure peoples know about it.
Yeah, like you're gonna want to have somebody come down from the paper, take a photo of it.
- Tweet a tweet, snap a chat.
- Why? Well, if it's not in the papers or on the Internets, it's pretty much worthless.
You know what I think, we should almost be snapping a chat about us talking about doing the charitables right now.
Pump the brakes.
Now, am I doing the charitables for the charity's gain or my own? Well, you do the charitables for the charity, but the whole point of doing the charitables is that people think you're a good guy for being charitable.
Yeah, behaving charitably, you'll have people saying, like, - "Oh, he's a good guy.
" - "Oh, he's a real good guy.
" - "Oh, he's a great guy.
" - No! I think you have had too much sugar cereal.
The whole point of doing the charitables is to help the charity and to make you feel good, not look good.
Figure it out.
Yeah, but it feels good to have people call you a real good guy.
You figure it out.
Oh, it feels even gooder when someone says you're a great guy.
You figure it out.
You want to do a charitable? Drive into town first thing in the morning, dead of winter, after a fresh snow fall.
Shovel a handful of folks' driveways before they wake up.
No one does a tweet.
Feels fuckin' sweet.
Also, it's a substantial core workout, from what I've been told.
Or if you're done doing hay for the day, drive on over to someone's place that isn't done doing hay for the day, cut their grass or something like that.
No one snaps a chat.
Go fuck your hat.
Or couldn't you just help them do hay? - But gets a photo.
- You're gonna need a photo.
You wanna know what? No one likes a preachy Patrick, but you are pissing on the seat here.
Well, no one likes an impracticals Pete.
No one likes an unprepared Paul.
Or if you're a woman, - no one likes an unproductive Pams.
- Or an improper Pippa.
No one likes a pestering Preston.
Or if you're a woman, no one likes a patronizing Peggy.
Trust me, good buddies, any charitables act, big or small, is an act wasted if your face ain't attached to it.
- Any charitable act? - Any charitables act.
Well, then come on, Dan.
Let's drive into town.
We'll let the dog drop a shit on Main Street and snap a chat of you picking it up.
Good? Pitter-patter! Choice work, super chief.
Oh, there's your lipstick.
Subtitle by peritta Hey, 19! Nice stats, no stats.
Scored 40 genos in the dub, one-nine.
Sixty apples in the O, 19.
Lead the Q in PIMS as an over-ager, buddy.
Wheeled my buddy's billet sister.
Fucking 200 PIMS, boys.
PIMS 200 club, boys.
All the light bulbs don't work on the scoreboard, eh, bud? A quiet night in the red light district, - one-nine.
- Suck my knob.
Drink milk, one-nine.
What'd they get in a trade for you, tin of chew and a half a bag of pucks? Set of used practice jerseys? Tub of orange slices? Go carbo-load, 19.
Suck my knob, you plug.
Hey, Schmelts.
You do not get to talk to Mr.
Sakic has earned our respect.
You have not earned our respect, Schmelts.
You do not get to talk to Mr.
Your first period in the league, Schmelts.
You'll be sent down by the second.
This is fantasy camp for you.
Hey! You think you can just walk into this league and start chirping? Know your role, pheasants! You had a cup of coffee.
You're seat fillers at the ESPY's.
You're Tiger's caddy now that nobody gives a shit! It's fucking embarrassing! I don't miss playing for that guy, buddy.
Always a silver lining, buddy.
Give your balls a tug, you tit fucker! The fuck did Shoresy come from? I didn't even know he was here, bro.
All this time chirping could be better spent doing legs, Schmelts.
Never skip leg day, Schmelts.
Hey, nice work on legs day today.
Hey, you rocked legs today, Yorkie.
Barts, you're faster than the Russian Rocket, Pavs Bure.
That is where leg day got you! Yorkie, statistically, Mike Gartner was faster than Bure, and that's where leg day got you.
- Let's win it all, Barts.
- Let's win this ship, Yorkie.
So, from now on, you're supposed to call the police when you got worm pickers on the property, and not 911.
Good? Now that's the business.
Except for that, anything pressing? - And she's back to choring.
- One moment! Or should I say motion.
McMurray, how are ya now? - Good n' you? - Not so bad.
- I will speak candidly here.
- Go ahead, baby.
Everybody's listening.
Everybody loves you.
All right.
The goings on from last week's emergency meeting left me some terrible upset.
Some terrible upset.
Oh, yeah, the ass pisses all goddamn week, - that's all I know.
- This is true.
I have had the ass pisses, also known as p'zazz.
He's been making the weakest cocksucking gin and tonics I ever goddamn had.
All of these events combined have brought me to one conclusion.
I, McMurray, motion something must be done.
Something has to be done.
A proper election must take place, whereby both Wayne and I campaign for a week to see who will be president of the Agricultural Hall.
I second that motion.
I love it when you motion.
I love you, too, baby.
Your motion.
All right.
Jimmy Dickskin, do your thing.
Well, that's exactly what I said.
Have at her, Dickskin.
All those in favor of a one-week election period, give me one hand up, can we get a one-dollar bill, one hand, we're looking at two.
Two hands up, give me two, we're looking at three, three hands up, getting to three.
We got three over here, we're looking at four.
Four hands up, we're looking at four.
Four over here, now we're looking at five.
Can I get a five-dollar bill, five over here, now we're looking at six dollar, can I get a six? Six over here, now can I get a Hands up, baby, hands up! Give me your heart, give me Sold! Majority rules.
Election awarded to McMurray.
Get on.
Get on.
Ride that pony.
Ride it.
All right.
- Oh! - Good girl.
Good girl.
All right, we knew justice would be served.
Well, see you next week, big boy.
That's a good pinch.
You still got the p'zazz? It's not shit, it's a blister from choring.
Put her there.
Have it as you like.
Get your stuff, baby.
Let's hit the road.
I wouldn't go in there if I was you.
- Why is she standing outside? - Don't know.
Why are you standing outside, Bonnie? They crop dusted inside.
- We crop dusted inside.
- Super.
I crop dusted on the way over here, too.
- Did you? - I did.
- Very cool.
- I know.
- And you're single.
How? - I hate everyone.
- Especially you.
- Couldn't tell.
- Oh, no? - No.
Guess I have work to do then.
You don't know what work is.
You sure do, entertaining two hockey players at the same time.
Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.
- Hmm, that's clever.
- Isn't it? - I see what you did there.
- I smell what you did there.
It's clear now, Katy.
You can come in.
Yeah, why don't you go in, Katy? This has been a lot of fun.
Has been? Still is.
Oh Fuck off, is what I meant.
We're busy.
- You're busy? - Very.
Busy ripping farts in coordinated outfits at the dollar store.
What of it? - Shut up, Roald.
- Then what? Are you gonna steal some bikes and ghost ride them into the river? - How did she know that? - Shut up, Roald.
Maybe you could even find a new spot to rip farts in, in coordinated outfits.
You know, if you're not too busy.
- Oh, we have other spots! - Roald! Who's the genius behind these coordinated outfits, anyways? Well, actually if you are interested Just kidding, I don't give a fuck.
Nice to see you, buddy.
Don't listen to her, Devon.
They wanted you to go to law school.
Shut up, Roald! Devon! Devon! - How are ya now? - Spanking! Not so bad.
Are you the creator of Fartbook? I am the sole creator of Fartbook! Cocksucking love that Fartbook, that's all I know.
- Thank you.
- Good farts.
Now listen, I'm running against Wayne for the presidency of the Ag Hall and was wondering if I could commission you, and him, too, to make us a sort of a campaign video.
You are running against Wayne.
Cocksucking right, he is.
Hurting Wayne hurts Katy.
Hurting Katy hurts Stewart.
It can be done and it will be done! Make it stop.
Make it stop.
All right.
So, look, whatever Whatever is good.
I just wanted to know that we're on the same page, all right? I want it to be a sort of a Like a good old Smear campaign.
What's that? It's when you run ads suggesting negative things about your opponents.
For what purpose? To make yourself look good by making your opponent look bad.
Oh, if you got nothing good to say, you shouldn't say nothing at all.
You must acknowledge the appetite for negativity in today's world.
The misfortune of others, it's become sustenance.
You must evolve from your primitive thinking.
Do you remember the band Primitive Radio Gods? Had that one really good song? Bet it's on iTunes.
I hear McMurray has commissioned Devon et Al, to make a video for his campaign.
- I suggest you follow suit.
- What sort of video? A spectacle, pure adrenaline, Babylonian.
You're spare parts, bud.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna go into town, mow some lawns.
Give people one less chore to do this week.
Seems more productive than name-calling.
You wanna know what? The dog's in the barn, if you wanna go hurl some insults.
You can get your sustenance.
He won't know what the fuck you're talking about anyway.
Have a good one.
Have it your way, shirt-tucker! What is Devon up to? I'm Devon, the director.
Brown guy here.
Asian woman here.
Native man here.
Gail Please.
And the whites over there.
As you know, the purpose of this cinematic experience is to influence voters.
And we'll do that by reaching as many ethnicities as possible with our message about Wayne, which is He's just not ready.
- That's good.
- Right.
He's just not ready to be president of the Ag Hall.
Um There aren't any ethnicities on the Ag Hall board.
- But there will be.
- Okay, but why? - Because it's 2015.
- It's not 2015.
And just to really hit home this whole ethnicities thing, brown guy, have you ever seen The Simpsons? - Yes.
- Excellent.
Need you to talk like Apu, from the Kwik-E-Mart? Asian woman, have you ever seen The Karate Kid? Need you to talk like Mr.
"Wax on!" Native man You're pretty dialed in already.
- Gail - Where's my money, bitch? Exactly.
And our whites are They're super-white, so just be yourselves! Thank you.
Where is our gay vote? Tad Roald.
Tad Tad Roald! They'd already put cheese on it, but I picked it off.
Tad Roald was too shy to be in our video, but said he'd organize our gay vote.
So where is our gay vote? I am so sorry that I'm late, you guys.
Crazy story.
My bike chain flew right off my bike but I happened to be next to the ice cream truck.
So I picked myself up a little sweet treat.
It's hot out today, don't you think, Devon? - Whew! - My No, Glen, no.
- What? - Modesty.
Why does he have his underwear on? I don't know.
Where's my money, bitch? You spit on me.
You're welcome.
Hi, Roald.
As predicted, Devon's made a video.
The song by Primitive Radio Gods is called Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand.
And it is on iTunes.
Ah, you're not gonna like this one bit.
I might like it one drill bit.
And the message is you're just not ready.
Ah, it doesn't sound so bad.
Yes, it does! So I won't like it one bell pepper.
Watch! Hmm.
Looks like we got good goddamn candidates here, is all I know.
Let's talk about Wayne.
All right.
Under the part that says experience, it doesn't say anything about ever being president of the Agricultural Hall? Hmm.
That's a hard no.
He'd be inheriting a lot of problems.
Letterkenny problems.
He's a farmer.
But has anyone ever seen him do any actual work? Ah, hell, no.
I hear he's been cutting people's lawns.
Like that will stop the grass from growing? Pitter-patter, let's get down to the real issues here.
Being President of the Ag Hall is not an entry level job.
How are ya now? Not so qualified.
Can we really trust a man who can't even be bothered to wear a belt? Hell to the nah-nah.
He's just not ready.
He's just not ready.
He's just not ready.
He's just not ready.
He's just not ready.
He's just not ready.
Nice hair, though.
- Nice ass.
- Hmm.
That's what I appreciates about him.
He's just not ready! Wayne for president of the Ag Hall? He's just not ready.
Oh, hell no.
There's a text from your mum.
Cream for your anal fissures is in.
Wha It already has 1,001 views.
Slightly concerning on account of there only being 5,000 people in Letterkenny.
We must respond posthaste.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
It's jumped 10 views since we've been conversing! 1,011.
This thing's going viral.
There could be worse things, Stewart.
I can beat Devon's view count.
I give you my personal guarantee.
And when I do, you won't have to sit through McMurray's pointless, purposeless, aimless, godless, motherless, meetings anymore! There's something in it for both of us.
Now that's likely the least concerning thing on your hand, isn't it? All actors are present.
- Wondrous! - Why are they here? Money talks.
He gave us 50 bucks.
It's like cutting two-and-a-half lawns.
But we don't even wanna be here, boys.
You cheated on us, boys.
Oh, pipe down, Pete and Repeat.
You were both getting blowies from your big city slams the entire time.
Dude, who told her about the blowies? Who blew the whistle on the blowies, bro? You just did.
Oh, that's gutty, bro.
Shut the back door, bro.
Reilly and Jonesy, Katy, are here to help us secure the youth vote.
There aren't any youth voters on the Ag Hall board.
- There will be.
- Why? Because it's 2015! It's not 2015.
Now, gentlemen, since you are such crafty vets of the chirp-slash-beak slash-carve game, I've decided to let you improvise.
- We're really good.
- Yeah.
Wayne, let's start with you.
Just, um, look directly into the camera and say something slanderous about McMurray.
Kind of feels like I should make sure my own backyard's clean before throwing junk in someone else's.
He slandered you first.
What, so you think if he goes jumps off a bridge, I'm gonna, too? Figure it out.
Dan? Daryl? Please help.
Reilly! Jonesy! Let's see what you can do.
- Okay.
- Warm up? - Yeah, warm up.
- Oh, sure.
All right.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.
- The tip of the tongue - Boys! Katy? Girls gone wild.
It's not complicated! We want to slander McMurray so Wayne can win the election and I can beat Devon's view count.
Now, let's try this.
Think about your favorite actor and try to channel them.
Who are your favorite actors? Go! Kevin Costner.
Keanu Reeves.
John Candy.
Chloe Sevigny.
It's easy.
Taylor Kitsch, boys.
Big Riggins himself.
You picked Big Riggins, so I'll take Michael Fassbender, bro.
But if If Big Riggins, if he's not available, 'cause he's my number one, it's easy, Chad Michael Murray, boys.
Big Riggins is still my number one but I love Chaz Michael, bro.
- One Tree Hill! - Boom! Go with Michael Fassbender.
- Try channeling that.
- Choose Big Riggins.
You know what? Actors named Michael could really reinvent themselves if they change their names to Spike, like uh, Spike Fassbenders or, uh, Spike Caine or Spike J.
- Spike Buble.
- Chaz Spike Murray? Oh, C.
Spike Murray? Let's try and stay on task! Well, now it might be kind of awkward, might be kind of awkward if actors named Richards started going by Dick.
Right? Like Dick Gere.
Dick Pryor.
- Dick Dreyfuss - Lionel Dick.
Feel like Richard Simmons probably prefers Dick.
Dude, he got fucking mad.
Well, looks like she's back to cutting lawns.
All those for Wayne resuming presidency of the Ag Hall Can I get a one vote here? We got one over here Now can I get a two? Two-dollar bill Two over here now can I get a three Looking at three, three over here, now can I get a four? Looking for a four Wayne for President for four? No four.
Three for Wayne.
Those for McMurray reclaiming presidency of the Ag Hall, can I get a one vote here, looking for one-dollar bill.
We got one over here, one over here! Now can I get a two, looking for a two, two over here! Now can I get a three, looking at a three? Three over here, we're looking at three, can I get a four, looking for a four.
Four over here, now can I get a five? Five-dollar bill, looking for a five.
Five over here, now can I get a six? Six dollars, looking for a six, six over here! Now can I get a seven? Seven right here, you can tell by the way he uses his walk he's a woman's man.
Sold! Majority rules.
Presidency awarded to McMurray.
Come on, baby.
Come here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay.
You gotta act classy.
Now you're the First Lady.
McMurray, Mrs.
McMurray, congratulations.
Thanks, Wayne.
P'zazz is all cleared up and everything.
I'm back to my old self again.
- Glad to hear.
Best of luck.
- Appreciate it.
Let's go get a couple of cocksucking G&Ts, that's what I always say.
Okay, girl, let's do it.
Sorry, I couldn't vote for you, Wayne.
Your video really threw me off.
Thanks for cutting my lawn, though.
I'll return the favor one day.
Good enough, Jim.
Stewart's YouTube page.
McMurray's a piece of shit.
McMurray's a piece of shit.
McMurray's a piece of shit.
Why would I say McMurray's a piece of shit? All right, he's a piece of shit.
- Hello? - Yo.
What's up, B? Nothing.
- What's up with you? - McMurray's a piece of shit.
What's up? What up? Yo, who's that? Yo, pick up the phone.
What up? What's up? What up? What up? Ahh McMurray's a piece of shit.
McMurray's a piece of shit.
Message approved by Wayne.
Fuck a duck.
I mean, this is no fun, boys.
Team No-Fun, boys.
We gotta start giving it back to them or they're just gonna fucking walk all over us, buddy.
Yeah, but where do we start, buddy? What the fuck is that, boys? Yo, you leave the house like that, buddy? What's the problem, Schmelt? You got a fucking bush, bud.
You got a bush, bud.
Who's the bush inspector around here, boys? Bush inspector's sleeping on shift, boys.
On our junior team it's a five-dollar fine every game and praccy 'til she's shaved down to the wood, boys.
Hey, get that hedge hog off your tummy stick, bud.
You're fucking gross, bud.
You're fucking gross, bud.
Looks like we got a couple of cock-lookers, Yorkie.
Of course, the Schmelts like a good cock-look, Barts.
Oh, yeah, I fucking cock-looked 'cause your junk's a fucking car crash and you can't look away.
I cock-looked 'cause your junk's a fucking strobe light.
I can see it with my eyes closed! So you were cock-looking.
They just admitted they cock-looked.
Well, I cock-looked 'cause your junk's a fucking welding flame, buddy.
You look directly at it and your fucking retinas getting burned.
I cock-looked because your junk's a fucking child walking in on his parents.
Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.
All this time cock-looking could be better spent doing legs.
More legs, less cock-looking, Schmelts.
I fucking skipped leg day, boys.
Fuck leg day, boys! You are woefully uninformed, - aren't you? - How? I said I would beat Devon's view count, not win you the election.
And guess what? I did beat Devon's view count.
- Look.
- Oh, I don't give a care.
I've been contacted by Budweiser and Carl's Jr.
over copyright infringements, but I don't think they're serious.
You wanna know what? McMurray's meetings are a bit painful, but not sure that's good enough reason to get into politics.
- They're all crooks.
- Every one of them.
Now run along, Stewart, before I get bored of behaving.
Well, I guess she's off to chore.
Been busy cutting other people's fucking lawns all week.
Jim Dickins.
How're ya now? It's Dicks Nope, you got it right that time.
- Good n' you? - Not so bad.
I said I'd return the favor for cutting the lawn.
I figured there's no time like the present.
Can we give you a hand with anything? Subtitle by peritta
Previous EpisodeNext Episode