Letterkenny (2016) s02e03 Episode Script


You were huckin' the ball around with your pals the other day Say, uh What's the deal with your sweetie there, Squirrely Dan? Well, I took her out last night.
- Where to? - Outs to the chip truck.
- Fries and gravy? - I had mine with gravy.
She had hers with salts and malts vinegar.
Do you know that salt and malt vinegar's a non-traditional way to dress your French fries in the United States? What the fuck is wrong with them? Like malt vinegar is not a staple condiment on tabletops in restaurants in the United States.
Fuck, figure it out.
That's what I say.
I say, figure it out.
Got no vinegars on the tables, no Krafts peanut butters.
- WAYNE: Figure it out.
- DARYL: Fuckin' figure it out.
Better not forget those fuckin' all-dressed chips.
No ketchup chips neither.
WAYNE: Figure it out.
Somebody really ought to write a letter.
They do got six different types of Cap'n Crunch, though.
How do you know that? Saw a comedian talks about it on the Juste Pour Rires.
Can't remember his name, though.
Good guy, though? A little long-winded for my taste.
But, yeah, a pretty good guy.
Well, glad to hear he's a good guy at least.
They have running water down there? Anyhoo, the evening went so well that, uh, we got up to a little bits of a foolin' around.
Did you French her? WAYNE: Kind of out of line there, Dary.
- Did you go up her shirt? - Now you're really out of line, Dary.
We did French, that much I will reveal.
Well, you already revealed that much, might as well just tell us if you went up her shirt.
It's impolite to kiss and tell, Dary.
I don't like to kiss and tell, but The Frenchin's tooks a hard left turn, from which I have yets to recover.
Do you wanna know what? I'm not asking you to kiss and tell, 'cause that's impolite.
But I'm kind of curious.
Yeah, Dan, kiss and tell.
I'm sure you boys have had a couple of curve balls thrown your way betwixt the sheets.
Well, not to be impolite, but, you know, sometimes a gal will be kissin' around on, like, the area near your genitals, but not quite on your genitals.
Makes me ticklish and insecure.
You know, not to be impolite, but sometimes a gal will do some kissin' on the ears, which makes me uncomfortable, because even though I clean my ears, sometimes a tater will just roll out of there unexpected.
(CHUCKLES) I kind of likes both those things.
Yeah, it's why you're called "Squirrely Dan.
" Yeah, reason fuckin' five million.
Well, nots to be impolite, but This gal suggested that maybe I should have some attentions paid to my butts hole.
That ever Ever happen to you guys? Did you ever have a gal suggest that you need some attentions paid to your butts holes? I'll take that as a hard no, I guess? She put a couple of fingers up there and It turns out you got a An erogenous zone up there.
Found Found the hot button and Gaves it a tickle and, uh Yeah.
Feels, uh It feels pretty good, you guys, okay? - Pop fly.
- I really liked it.
It felt Felt very natural.
That's how you get the body in front of it.
- Get the body in front of it.
- They call it "milking the prostate.
" Well, it's impolite to kiss and tell.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta - Where's Stewart been, Katy? - He's not talking to me.
- Why? - I don't know.
Here are your birthday pancakes, big brother.
Don't fuck with tradition.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
BOTH: Happy birthday, Wayne.
You owe me a Coke.
Well, see now, that you can get in the States.
What you can't get, though, is Crush Cream Soda.
- BOTH: We got you a present, Wayne.
- Two Cokes.
We don't make a thing of birthdays in this family.
Can we skip my super-soft birthday party then this year? Hard no! It's not a birthday thing, it's an efficiency thing.
Uh, if you can be one thing, you should be efficient.
We got you an appointment with a matchmaker.
Get the Take a Well, start walkin'.
Well, you won't do online dating.
There's no more MoDeans, so you can't meet girls there.
You're handcuffed, cowboy.
- Figure it out.
- Yeah, figures it out.
Don't you tell me to figure it out.
Yous are the ones should figure it out.
All you have to do is sit down with a matchmaker, answer a few questions, and then she sets you up on three dates with girls that she thinks you'll jive with.
Has anyone heard from Jivin' Pete lately? Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, Jivin' Pete's one nut got all swole up I don't give a shit about Jivin' Pete's one nut.
No, no, this is a story about Jivin' Pete's other nut.
Yeah, Jivin' Pete's had himself a botched vasectomy a little while back, so now his one nut's there all swole up bigger than the first nut that was all swole up.
If you can believes that nonsense.
Was Jivin' showin' it to people again? Oh, he's showin' it to people.
I seen it.
- You seen it, Dary? - Oh, I seen it.
- Yeah, I never seen it.
- It looks like a rambutan.
Which is to say, this hairy fruit.
So, not smooth like a persimmon? DAN: No, although it is about the size of a persimmons.
Which, of course, is much like a tomatoes.
What sort of potent peace pipe was some prick pulling off when he titled tomatoes "fruits"? Well Now both Jivin' Pete's nuts have a story, which I hope guarantees that I'll never have to listen to another story about Jivin' Pete's nuts.
- He's a good guy.
- He's a real good guy.
- No, he's a great guy.
- Wayne.
You're looking for love.
And you said it yourself, "If you can be one thing, be efficient.
" Do's it once, do's it rights.
Figures it out.
Pitter-patter, let's get at 'er, figure it out.
You shouldn't gang up on people on their birthdays.
We don't make a thing of birthdays in this family.
She's comin' this afternoon.
Don't be in your barnin' clothes.
(SPOON SCRAPING) I fuckin' hate praccy, bro.
It's Senior-A whale shit, bro.
Why even praccy? Like, I'm just gonna praccy like a donkey.
I could donk all day.
Just blast clappers at the hash marks at the fuckin' plug tendy of ours.
Clappys from the hashys, buddy.
Just steppin' into one from the ladies' tees.
Just bulldoze that speed bump.
Just firin' ringers at his ears.
Just firin' warm-up ringers.
Just tossin' chest-high sauce at the boys.
Just tossin' ankle-high rocket sauce.
Just tossin' mad sui's up the middle.
Just tossin' mad sui's through the trolley tracks.
Just tossin' mad breakout sui's directly into the skates.
Just tossin' mad breakout sui's.
You know, it might be a fun praccy after all.
I could donk all day, boys.
(MUTTERING) I don't think I've ever sat on a hay bale before.
That's a straw bale, and that's barley.
Um So, a little bit about me.
Uh, my service is called "Goldilocks and the Three Dates.
" Katy I forgot to tell her not to tell you that.
So, I've modeled my business after the charming story that it's inspired by.
I send my clients on three dates, and like the beds that Goldilocks laid down in after eating the three bears' porridge, maybe one is "too hard," and maybe one is "too soft.
" But in the end we hope that maybe one is just right.
- Katy - Get after it.
You're losin' him.
Wayne, why don't you just tell me a little bit about yourself.
It's impolite to talk about yourself.
Keeps his truck clean.
Loves his dogs.
Enjoys a beer and a smoke.
Beer Beer and smoke.
That's Wow, you know.
I get it.
Trucks, got it.
We will make this work.
I love it, okay.
And then, um, Wayne, can you just tell me a little bit about your past relationship? You shouldn't air your dirty laundry.
Five years.
Ended a while ago.
No baggage.
No baggage, love that.
No baggage, no babies.
(LAUGHING) This is fun.
I'm having a fun time in this place.
And, Wayne, can you tell me how much you make in a fiscal year? WAYNE: Katy! It's impolite to talk about your money.
He's no slouch.
Well, I'm about to begin your story.
Where maybe one is "too hard.
" Maybe one is, um - But in the end - Yeah, you lost him.
He seems He seems nice.
Do you live Do you live in here? So, what did you think of Goldilocks and the Three Dates there, Wayne? Ready to fall in Goldi-love? Or Goldi-lust? You won't be Goldi-laughin' when I break your Goldi-legs.
Dim the Goldi-lights? Nights of your Goldi-life? Use your Goldi-language.
Make her Goldi-laugh.
Make it Goldi-last.
Better Goldi-lay off, before they find your Goldi-limbs in a Goldi-landfill, Goldi-literally.
Take her on a Goldi-lunch? Maybe a Goldi-late suppers? - Maybe she's a Goldi-lawyer.
- Ooh.
You think I'm Goldi-lyin'? Enough Goldi-lip.
A Goldi-longshoresman will find your bodies in the Goldi-lake! Gentlemen, a question.
A query.
- An inquis - Pitter-patter.
Has Katy mentioned anything about me not talking to her? - Can confirm.
- Major league.
- It's working.
- What's working? By not talking to her, she will form the conclusion that I'm upset with her and eventually ask me why.
Why you so butt-hurt, Stewart? - Well, she acts like - Just kidding.
I don't give a fuck.
DAN: Wait.
So, you're upsets with her, and you wanna communicate that by not communicatings? Acutely.
You are spare parts, aren't you, bud? Let me know if Katy asks about me.
Heads up! Ow! (MUSIC PLAYING) I'm Kim.
I'm a psychologist and a feminist.
- I'll be paying the bill.
- I'm Wayne.
Wayne! Glen.
How are you now? - Ah, good and you? - Oh, not so bad.
Well, I guess the kitten's out of the clutch on this one.
I also have to work as a waitress to make ends meet.
- WAYNE: Sure you do.
- I'm Kim.
Are you ever.
Look at you.
I'm lovin' this.
You're like a shark.
I'm scared.
Like a Julie Moore, or like a Jessie Chastain.
- What can I get you to drink? - Uh, we'll need a minute.
Uh, please and thank you.
All right.
Well, you'll take care of little Miss Nicki Kidman here till I get back, Mr.
McConaughey? - Sure, I will.
- All right.
He crosses his arms.
Are you aware of the psychology behind that? Now, when you say "he," you're talking about me, right? He has wit.
Do you know why you cross your arms? Feels like you're talking to two people right now.
Crossing your arms, whether it be consciously or subconsciously, is a sign of defense.
You're protecting your vital organs.
Do you feel threatened by me? Well, I don't, but the other guy might.
He is hilarious.
Enough psychology for now.
What do you know about feminism, Wayne? I know it's unsafe territory to discuss with a feminist.
- Why? - Someone will start shoutin'.
- Why? - I don't know.
Feminism is the belief that women and men should have equal rights and opportunities.
So, are you a feminist, Wayne? Well, I trust my sister with just about any job under the sun over a man.
- But 'cept this one, I guess.
- Excuse me? Not to be impolite but you're not exposed to talk about sex, politics or religion at the supper table.
(SIGHING) What do you want, Wayne? - I'd have a Gus'n Bru, likely.
- Not what I'm asking.
What's a Gus'n Bru? Ooh! I'll Google it and find out.
I'm kiddin'.
I know exactly what it is.
But we don't have any.
So, what can I get you to drink? I'll have a Caesar and he'll have a Pint of lager, please.
Something local.
- Thank you.
- GLEN: All right.
So, a local lager for Mr.
Brando and a Caesar for Sandy Bullock.
I love those orders.
Be right back.
I didn't think they'd have it at Four Dancers.
Yes, I didn't think they'd have it at this resto-bar.
- Gastro-pub.
- Says "resto-bar" on the sign.
It's more of a micro-bistro.
Says brasserie on the menu right there, too.
It's more of a bistro-brasserie.
When I came in they asked me if I wanted to sit at the resto-bar or the gastro-lounge.
I'm glad you chose the resto-bar.
This is actually the gastro-lounge.
Do you know what an emergency call is, Wayne? - Negative.
- It's when you have a friend call 10, 15 minutes into a date to be sure the date isn't a total bust.
And if it is, then you can play the phone call as though it's an emergency and leave the date.
Well, that's fair.
I guess we are first cousin to an emergency here.
A good one.
And you shouldn't be afraid of it.
I think we could do good things here.
I'm going to call my friend and cancel her pending emergency call, and when I get back, let's talk about your feelings, Wayne.
- Okay.
- Let's really talk about them.
- Okay.
- I wanna take 'em, and I wanna talk about them.
Oh, it's Wayne.
How are you now? Oh, not so bad.
Yeah, this one's too hard.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) We don't have time to discuss that business.
I come in peace.
How do we know you don't have another one of those in your sock? You don't.
Do not approach.
- Seen Katy around? - No.
- That is all.
- (GROWLING) Stewart! Trouble in paradise? If there was, she wouldn't know it.
I'm not talking to her.
Well played.
Wait it out.
That way she'll come to the conclusion that you're upset with her and ask you why.
- Precisely.
- She should anyway.
- If she's smart.
- I know.
- Why are you mad at her? - She acts like You should try an open relationship.
Could be productive.
You could also try a hall pass.
It's when you give, you know, her being allowed to sleep with one person and that's it, no questions asked.
Another plausibly fruitful option.
New GTA and COD out today.
We're going to sesh.
- Been gaming much? - Always gaming.
- You? - Just gamed.
Stimulating morning game.
Evening game will eclipse.
I gamed a 4:00-to-4:00 shift last night.
You're gaming taxi driver's hours? I gamed a 10:00-to-4:00 shift today.
Gaming banker's hours.
I'll probably game a 5:00-to-7:00 shift now.
Cing a Sept.
Nous aussi.
You guys wanna hit up a happy hour? We're gonna hit another happy hour.
GLEN: Wayne! - Glen, how are you now? - Good and you? - Not so bad.
- Well, I guess the teddy's out of the tickle trunk on this one, too.
I also work here.
Reason is the Salty Treat blew out an amp the other day, rockin' out pretty hard to some Lifehouse covers, which will happen.
So, I'm pickin' up the slack.
I'm happy to do it.
Way she goes.
I'm Lisa.
Are you ever.
Look at you! It's America's little sweetheart over here.
You're like a little Katy Heigl or like a little Katy Hudson.
What can I get ya? Do you have cookies and cream? Do I Do I have cookies and cream? I sure do have cookies and cream.
(SIGHS) And I'm thinkin' maybe a vanilla-fudge swirl chunk for Mr.
Newman over here? - That'll do, thank you.
- Okay.
And you're gonna keep an eye on little Caty Blanchett here - for me till I get back? - Sure will.
Thank you! Be right back! - So, you're a farmer, Wayne? - Can confirm.
You don't smell like one.
(CHUCKLES) I'm kidding.
I'm a pre-school principal.
Do you like kids? - Hmm - I know, everyone likes kids.
They're so silly.
I love them when they're silly.
But if they get too silly, they have to come see me.
- "Silly"? - Mischief.
- Trouble.
- We use gentler terms.
As a policy.
Well, so what happens when they come see you? Well, we do things a little differently in our program.
The approach is progressive and positive.
We issue a hug consent form to parents, which allows us to hug their kids.
Because 99% of the time, all kids need - is a hug.
- "A hug"? - A squeeze.
- Well, you squeeze 'em.
- An embrace.
- Oh.
- Oh? - Well - What is it? - Nothin'.
- Wayne.
- Yeah? - Speak freely.
- No, I'd better not.
That's the only way we'll get to know each other.
But do you ever smack 'em? - Excuse me? - Like, give 'em a good whack? - I don't follow.
- Do you ever hit the kid? Like, for being too silly.
No! Wayne.
We never hit our kids.
You shouldn't hit kids.
Well, you know what, don't you remember how scared you were of your principal when you were growing up? It's 'cause he'd smack you if you were being too silly.
Like your parents wanted you to have a principal who would smack you.
They took comfort in the fact that they were sending you to a place every day where someone would smack you for them if you were being too silly.
And sometimes I see kids these days, I kind of think, like Like, wish you could still do that.
That sort of discipline is long outdated, Wayne, and frowned upon.
We sit the child down - That's another problem.
- What is? - In my opinion.
- Sitting? Well, no wonder kids are failin' school, just sittin' around all day.
Stand up, you're not doing nothin'.
You think sitting is a problem? - Yeah.
- Why? 'Cause it makes you soft.
- Literally or figuratively? - Well, both, I suppose.
- Both? - Yeah.
In my opinion.
My phone's buzzing.
Well, so you like cookies and cream ice cream, hey? Well, I think it's pretty good, too.
Hi, Michelle.
Oh, no.
Okay, I'll be right there.
I'm sorry, Wayne, I've gotta go.
- It's - An emergency.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
It's Wayne.
Well, how are you now? Oh, not so bad.
Yeah, this one's too soft.
- (SIGHS) - It's been three days.
Why haven't you asked me what's wrong? - Something wrong? - Of course it is.
- You act like I don't - Should I have known that? It's called "the silent treatment.
" Step one, I stop talking to you.
Step two, you form the conclusion that something is wrong.
Step three, you ask me what's wrong.
What's up with step one? You've skipped step one and two.
What's step three again? You ask me what's wrong! Got it.
You bet.
Go ahead.
Where? - Step three.
- What's step three again? (EXHALES) We'll skip step three.
I'm just going to tell you what's wrong.
That should have been step one.
Step one and two are fundamental steps.
You missed steps, Stewart.
How? Step one, become angry with someone.
Step two, tell that someone that you're angry.
Step three, resolve anger with that someone.
- Step four - (SCOFFING) Step four.
Step four, resume peaceful existence.
Your logic is frighteningly bewitching.
It's time for you to go.
What? Where? Leave here? It was a rebound.
Even though there was no physical act of rebounding, which is a first for me.
(SCOFFS) Gross.
Seriously, Katy.
No one has time for the silent treatment, Stewart.
Not even in Letterkenny.
(MUSIC PLAYING) - DAN: Heads up! - (LAUGHS) Nice try, shirt-tuckers! (DARYL SNICKERS) Ow! (WAILING) (MUSIC PLAYING) Hi, Wayne.
Wayne! Oh, my gourd, what a coincidence.
Oh, I bet you're thinkin' I work here.
I don't work here.
I just love Guy's fries.
They're so crispy, and you add a little salt (LAUGHS) I just think they're so delicious.
Ooh! Who is this? You're a masterpiece, aren't ya? You're like a Shelly Pfeiffer, you're like a Charlie Theron, or like a Penny Cruz.
Ooh! You're like a little Angie Jolie.
That's who you are, you're Angie.
How are you now? - Good and you? - Not so bad.
Can we talk? - Okay.
- "Talk.
" In your truck.
Now that was just right.
(EXHALES) So how did you make out, super chief? Did you find the missing Goldi-link? You fallin' in Goldi-love? It's better to Goldi-let this go, before I Goldi-lose my shit.
Oh, take your drink, you Goldi-lush.
Tread Goldi-lightly.
So, that's no toe-curlin' then? It's impolite to kiss and tell.
Nothin' wrong with a little stank on the hang down.
Nothin' wrong with a little takesin' out in the trades.
A little hizzin' in the skizzins.
No, I know there's nothin' wrong with a little goin' to the bone yard, I know that.
Nothin' wrong with a little bacon makin'.
Nothin' wrong with a little shot twixt winds and waters.
A little building the blanket monster.
I know there's nothin' wrong with a little pituitary poke.
- I know that.
- Nothin' wrong with a little makin' the beast with two backs.
Makin' feet for children's stockin's.
Testing the tube steak.
Look, I know there's nothin' wrong with a little crawl up the skin slide.
- I know that.
- Nothin' wrong with a little, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" Now just pump the brakes right there.
- I got a question.
- Have at 'er.
Then I got a comment.
Well, let's hear it, good buddy.
Now, my question.
When have you ever heard a girl go, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
" - Well - Other than in a porno.
- I don't believe I have.
- Me neithers.
That's because we don't say that.
- Well - Not unless it's in a porno.
WAYNE: Now my comment.
You see, the way Dary did the "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes's" is not the way they do the "yes, yes, yes" in pornos.
That's the way they do it.
The girl gets all excited, and she goes, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
" Yes, but the way you're doing the "yes, yes, yes, yes's" is not the way they do the "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
" DARYL: It is the way they do it.
They go, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
" - That's exactly how they do it.
- WAYNE: No, they don't.
What they do is they find a super-high pitch for those first four yes's.
And then they come in all dramatic for that final "yes.
" So, it goes a little something like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes.
" And then they get all dramatic for that final "yes.
" Say, "Yes! Oh.
" I don't think that's how they do it.
I'd have to hears it again.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" Yeah.
Yeah, porno girls do that.
But only when the porno guys aren't busy finding some super-low tone and repeating over and over again, "Ah, fuck.
" "Ah, fuck.
" I takes a bit offense to that, Miss Katy, as I have a naturally low voice, and I do likes to say, "Ah, fuck.
" "Ah, fuck.
" Exceptin' I don't do it in pornos.
Well, then you should do voiceovers for English-dubbed foreign pornos, Dan, because that was a text book "ah, fuck, ah, fuck.
" Why thank you, Miss Katy.
I've never had any complaints from any of my sexual companions about my "ah, fuck, ah, fuck.
" KATY: Let me hear yours, Dary.
Well, I I'm confused still on the "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes's.
" So, Wayne, it's like, uh, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes"? See, it's not as if it's a fuckin' question, Dary, is it? You're saying it like it's a question.
So, it's like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
" You're gettin' closer, Dary, but what you want to do is put a little pepper on the end of it.
You just want to put a little pepper on the end of it.
Like, "Yes!" "Yes!" "Ah, fuck.
" - It's like, "Yes, yes, yes " - "Ah, fuck.
" - " yes, yes, yes!" - "Ah, fuck.
" Like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Yes!" Just having a fight with my hat.
- (ALL MOANING) - "Oh, my God.
" (GRUNTING) (MOANING) "Oh, my God!" "Feels really good.
" "Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
" (ALL MOANING) "Oh, my God! Three praccys a week, buddy? Three praccys a week in Senior-A whale shit, buddy.
Half these guys wheel their fuckin' bags into the rink.
The day I fuckin' wheel my bag into the rink is the day I stop playing hockey.
A-fuckin'-men, buddy.
Why do we even praccy, buddy? Should be rippin' sandos.
See me toss the sauce in the skates - all night long, buddy? - Just tossin' rocket sauce straight into the blades, boys.
I don't even know what a tape-to-taper is anymore.
Not sure what a tape-to-taper is anymore, buddy.
- Fuck tape-to-tapers, buddy.
- Fuck tapers.
I fired a point-blank clap bomb directly into Barts's chest tonight.
Fired a point-blank point bomb straight in Yorkie's junk.
I snowed our plug tendy no less than nine times.
I snow-showered our plug tendy and that was his own "D," man.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Praccy's not badski when you're donkin'.
I could donk all day, boys.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta
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