Letterkenny (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

Never Work a Day in Your Life

1 Your gal has a cousin who's spun and she is no longer your hun.
'Cause you had to pop 'em and boy did you drop 'em.
Yeah, you did what had to be done.
Came to you after having a bar fight.
Felt like you got hit by a car, right? But your pal had your back, went on the attack, but it turned off his gal like a night light.
That God-fearing sack-of-shit, Bradley, came in and he fucked up so badly, that your brother stepped in, which his gal calls a sin, but, I'd do the same fucking gladly.
Well, you're not really sures what went down.
But you hears you look like a real clown.
Your pal had a scrap like a real proper snap.
And since he's been wearings a frown.
Katie chose me over Jonesy, I don't like that he's all alone-sy.
But I'm getting laid, I don't hate that trade, I just wish that she had a clone-sy.
Katy Cat dumped me for Reilly.
It sucks, may put it dryly.
He's getting laid, and I can live with that trade.
It's just kinda tough to be smiley.
Been hoovering bombers and rips, eating zoomers and taking mad dips.
There's no end in sight, but I am on an apt flight, so fuck off with all your guilt-trips! The Church said, "No more" to my teachings.
Been filling the void with street preachings.
I'm out in the rain, and I haven't seen Wayne.
Us together is not too far-reaching.
Wayne knocked out Bradley, and I'll say, through that bullshit, Rosie won't stay.
It sucks for me cause there's no guarantee I'll see either of them at my birthday.
It's been two months since Rosie went packing.
And sure, your love life has been lacking.
But a friend backs a friend, and on that, you don't bend.
She's onwards and upwards.
Get cracking.
- MoDeans II.
- MoDeans II.
You want MoDeans tour on over there, Wayne? MoDeans too much choring to do.
How about a little bit of MoDeans to-getherness? Now no needs to fight MoDeans tooth and nails over it.
Good thing I'm getting good at MoDeans tootin' out the negativity.
Oh, quit MoDeans tooting your own horn there, Wayne.
Why don't you quit being such a MoDeans tool over there, Dary? All right, let's put this fights in the MoDeans tomb.
There's always MoDeans to-morrow.
Well, MoDeans to be fair.
(ALL SINGING) To be fair To be fairs, now it seems like you're doing all this works to distract yourself from feelings you don't wants to be dealing with.
- Get real.
- It's a lot of work, Wayne.
Well, do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life.
Stormy comes out of the barns yet? (GROANS) (MUSIC BOX PLAYING) (ENGINE REVVING) (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, boys.
Did you miss me? Anyone ever tell you what an asshole you look like? You're a complete fucking flop, bud.
Pull your finger out of your ass, you fucking pipe fitter.
I'd rather be watching a hobo jerk off.
I think we'd be lucky to be watching a hobo jerk off right now.
I'd rather be watching a paper cut in slow-mo.
I'd rather be watching a ten-man Lemon Party on an IMAX movie screen.
Don't let Grammy Google that one.
You know what, you'd be my Grammy's soulmate, cupcake.
You're bum-fluff, bud.
Sing us a song or something.
Do a trick.
You're fuckin' useless.
What's your laundry-folding channel, hun? I bet you know exactly how many days it is until Christmas, don't you, bud? Wait! What? Go fuck yourself, you silly fucking butt-crusty.
You're a Danish in a donut shop.
You're a cup of baby carrots, you fucking asshole.
Where's your kitty-petting partner there, pussy? I don't even know what your name is, bud.
My friend's name is Jonesy and my Reilly, get in the house.
Well back to choring.
Yeah, I do's kind of wonder what that other nutsack's beens up to.
(ZANY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTING) Who brought the rocket, boys? Whose billet brother's a fucking rocket boys.
Wanna watch me shoot for my point, bud? I got a stick he can handle.
No penalty for hair pulling in this game.
I'd check you from behind.
- Let's play dirty snipe.
- Let's muck it up.
Different kind of headshots over here, bud.
Don't need a Conky to enter my dark room, rocket.
We love stick swinging, boys.
How about a quick poke check? I love a good spear in the slot room.
You like a long twig or a short twig? I'll show you an illegal curve.
- Lay some skin, Ron.
- Coming right up, Dax.
I miss my buddy.
- I'll be your buddy.
- I'll be your buddy.
What are we even doing here? (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - How are you now? - WAYNE: Good.
And you? Then tell it to your face.
Sure is nice to have a break from choring.
- Thanks for the help.
- If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.
Well, more hands make less work.
Yeah, but, it's a lot of work, Wayne.
Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.
So, Stormy wouldn't come out of the barn this morning to eat her breakfast.
Wouldn't even touch it till I moved inside.
(GRUNTS) You should try to mix some Vitamin D in there too, because likely she hasn't been getting enough from the sunlight.
Naturally, and what not.
Well, like that's what I think a vet would say.
Yeah, I really do feel like the vet might say that.
You know the only other dog Stormy's ever taken to is Rosie's stud Seado.
Now, he is such a good boy.
(IN PET TALK) Oh, he's a good boy.
(IN PET TALK) Who's a good boy? Yes, he is such a boy.
Well, then do it for Stormy.
(IN PET TALK) She's such a good girl.
(IN PET TALK) Oh, what a good girl.
(IN PET TALK) Who's a good girl? Yeah, she is such a little girlie.
Plus, Stormy and Seado did have the most beautiful litter we've ever had.
(IN PET TALK) Who's a good little puppy? (IN PET TALK) Who's a little puppy? (IN PET TALK) So little.
(IN PET TALK) Where's her belly? That little puppy.
(IN PET TALK) Now who wants a little itchings and a scratchings? (IN PET TALK) You're just a little puppy with your little belly.
(IN PET TALK) I see you, little puppy.
(IN PET TALK) Who wants the scratches on their bellies? (IN PET TALK) You wants the scratches on their bellies.
(IN PET TALK) Who likes a little itchings and scratchings behind their ears? So, it's settled.
I'll give Rosie a call, tell her to bring over Seado.
Hard no.
Too busy.
WAYNE: Back to choring.
ALL: No! Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
How're you doing, buddy? - I'm good.
- Good.
You look kind of bummed, buddy.
Kind of bummed, buddy? No, I'm just a bit lonely.
But, I'm good, bro.
You know, I'm so good, it's good.
- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah, good, dude.
(CLEARS THROAT) You know, I'm I'm kinda bummed too.
Yeah? It's just Katy's always making me do stuff for her, and she's never hanging out with me.
She's really busy, helping Wayne doing his stuff, and it's like (CLEARS THROAT) I'm good though.
- Dude, I'm also so good, bro.
- I'm so good.
I'm so sick, bro! - Bro! - I'm super good! - Good, bro! - I'm so good.
I am, dude.
I'm having the best time.
- Having the best time.
- Ever.
- Nothing's wrong in my life.
- Best times.
You good? (TIRES SCREECHING) - Hey, Adam and Steve.
- (GROANS) - Stewart! - I always support you.
This is our place to dance.
To disco.
To get dirty.
I'm not here to dance, heathen.
Unless, well Unless you ask me to, Roald.
I'm here to street preach.
After the Church of Spiritual Humanism Isn't it Church of Human Spiritualism? No, isn't it the Church of Humanly Spiritualists? The Church of Spiritual Humanism formerly the Church of Spiritual Humanism's Science.
- Totally.
- Totally.
After the Church of Spiritual Humanism no longer required me to serve him under their roof, budget cuts, you know how that goes, I asked him to guide me to where I was needed.
Him guided me to here.
- Rips.
- Rips? - Ripsy do! - Rips around a religious person? It's weird.
Glen, this is where we do rips.
Stewart, this is where I do Revelations.
What are you guys doing? Like we go to the gym and do reps? This is the area for rips.
We just want to do reps.
But we could all do Revelations.
We don't want to do Revelations.
Just reps.
- Want rips? - No rips.
Just reps.
What about reps and Revelations? - Just reps! - Just reps! We cannot do rips and revelations.
There will be no rips done in his presence! However, I can envision the scenario in which I'm doing Revelations and you two are doing reps, and I'm watching, and I like it.
- Just reps! - Just reps! - Rips.
- Reps! - Revelations! - Rips! - Reps! - Revelations! - Rips! - Reps! Revelation! Hey! (CLAMORING) ALL: Bonnie McMurray! I called the cops.
Rips! (SQUAWKING) - Reps? - Reps? Revelations.
- How are you now? - Good, and you? Then, tell that to your face.
You know, he's a short-haired dog.
You don't need to brush him twice a day.
You know, you don't need to watch me brush him twice a day.
Get a hobby.
Get a kite.
You know what? Take a fucking break from choring.
DARY: It's a lot of work, Wayne.
Well, do what you love, and you'll never work another day in your life.
Come on, Gus.
(IN PET TALK) He is such a good boy.
That's just what he is.
DARYL: If you never had to work another day in your life, what do you think you'd be doing? DAN: That's a very good question, Dary.
What would you do if you never hads to work another days in your life? Well, pull on it, likely.
DAN: I was just thinking, I'd have plenty of times for batching.
DARYL: We'd have so much time for mixing a batch.
DAN: I'd mix a hearty batch.
DARYL: If I never had to work another day in my life, I'd be wailing on it.
DAN: Or just hammering on it.
DARYL: It'd be like I was back in high school.
Beat my bread like it owes me money.
DAN: I'd mix more batch than Betty Crockers.
DARYL: Pull more horn than a trombone player.
DAN: You know, I used to have pole position in many a five-finger race.
DARYL: I've handled some shower stickys.
DAN: Beats sitting around scratching crotch all day.
DARYL: Or bust like Humpty Dumpty.
DAN: I'd carry bigger wads than Tony Soprano.
DARYL: You know, we've been helping Wayne chore so much, I can't remember the last time I leaned into one.
DAN: Yeah.
DARYL: Say, is there matinee game on, no? DAN: What sport? DARYL: I don't know.
DAN: Yes.
Yes, I do believe there is a game this afternoon.
You see that movie Get Out yet? Twice.
Good fucking movie.
Did you hear they're making a Canadian version? - No.
- Called Get Oot.
- Happy birthday, Gail.
- Thanks, Katy Cat.
Rosie, how are you now? - Good, and you? - Tell that to your face.
What's cooking, good-lookin'? Stormy.
She won't leave the barn.
I heard.
Seado hasn't been himself either.
Dogs, am I right? It's a lot of work.
Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life.
Say, what would you do if you never had to work a day in your life? Read.
I think I'll go do that now.
Happy birthday, cousin.
Bye, Katy.
I'll tell you what I'd do.
Shot of Gus 'n' Bru? - That, and - No, I meant for me.
I'd diddle my skittle - Oh? - Till she spittles.
For fuck's sakes.
I'd flick my bean like a rousing game of Crokinole for sexy results.
- I don't doubt it.
- I mean it.
You haven't seen a climax like this since Karate Kid crane kick.
Bye, Gail.
I've wet more skin than a public pool.
I've reached more peak than a Sherpa.
So you sure you don't wanna come with us to Gailer's birthday party there, big shooter? Too much choring to do.
Seen the vet wheel out of here.
What's the frequency there, Kenneth? Stormy got a finger in the bum.
- Was it a - Two-knuckler.
- Like a horizontal knuckler? - Hard no.
- That means that a two-knuckler - Can confirm.
A person has two knuckles, okay? One, two.
It's not a knuckle.
I asked.
I asked the vet if that sort of person has two knuckles per finger.
One, two.
Okay? It's clinical.
So, I don't wanna hear another word about it.
DAN: Fair enough, good buddy.
That might be something.
- What? - Firing knuckles up animals bums all day.
- What do you mean? - Well that could be a lot of work.
Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.
- Wayne, how are you now? - Good, and you? - Then, tell - Tell that to your face.
Yes, Katy, it's really funny how you keep saying that.
What's the deal with Stormy? Physically, she's in ship-shape.
She's chiseled out of stone.
The vet says that she's the healthiest German Shepherd she's ever seen.
- Vet like Shepherds.
- Oh, the vet love Shepherds.
Shepherds are fucking lovable.
So then, what's the problem? Vet says she might be depressed.
- Dogs get depressed? - Get real! Well, then, you and Stormy make a fine pair of poopy pants then.
Fly a kite, Katy.
The only difference is that Stormy can't talk.
I bet if she could talk, then she would tell us what's wrong so we could do something to fix it.
You can talk.
And it would be wise for you to use that luxury to tell the appropriate parties what's wrong so we can do something to fix it.
(ENGINE REVVING) Just some food for thought there, poopy pants.
- Hey, Seth.
- Hey, Seth! (DOOR CLOSES) Fuck a duck.
Who brought the fucking rocket, boys? Whose billet brothers a fucking rocket, boys? Let's play a little two-on-onesky.
I'll play left, he'll play right, you fill the middle.
Ride the pine, we'll change on-the-fly.
Let's find your neutral zones.
I'd love to back-check you, bud.
It's a butt-ending clinic over here, boys.
You make my stick hot.
Get it? Come penetrate the slot, mister.
- You a good D-man? - Show you a good D.
Why don't you go ahead and lay me some of that skin, Ron? Coming right up, Daxie.
I miss my buddy.
- I'll be your buddy.
- I'll be your buddy.
What're we even doing here? (DIGITAL BEEPING) How are you now? Hail the Lord casteth Satan from the Dollar Storeth parking lot! And the Lord showedeth Satan no mercy.
And the Lord casteth Satan into the depths of the bowels of the pits of Hell.
How goeth your Revelations, Glen? Divine, Stewart.
- How goeth your rips? - Celestial.
There's no place for rips among Revelations! - Stuart! - Revelations haveth no place among rips! Then I believe we haveth our conclusion.
That we doeth.
- Battle! - Blitzkrieg.
- Conflict.
- Crash! - Havoc! - Hostility! War! (GRUNTING) War! - How are you now? - How are you now? - Well, good, and you? - Well, good, and you? - Then tell that to your face.
- Then tell that to your face.
- What about Stormy? - Not so good.
Seado's been a pile, too.
- He's such a good boy.
- Yes, he is such a boy.
You knocked out my cousin.
My loyalty to my family will not be compromised.
Your cousin knocked out my friends.
My loyalty to them will not be compromised.
Good enough.
We're here for the dogs.
Pitter patter.
(PHONE RINGING) - Bless her.
- Bradley? I'm at my second favorite cousin's birthday party and I don't see my favorite cousin or her dude, Wayne.
Where you at? We're at Wayne's.
Put me on speaker phone.
BRADLEY: Yo, Wayne.
- Bradley.
- This ain't Biggie and Pac.
Nobody dead, nobody dying.
I knocked out Wayne's friends, you knocked me out.
We squared off and did it the right way.
There's gotta be a winner, gotta to be a loser.
Yo, Wayne, I couldn't do it the night of on account of being unconscious and shit.
- Good, scrap, my dude.
- Yeah, that was a pretty good scrap.
Last time I checked, that's how shit gets done.
You got a problem you can't solve with words, you throw hands.
After that, it's finished.
I got no problems with you, Wayne.
I got no problem with you, Bradley.
Actually, I got a lot of time for dudes like you.
Good ol' boys are a dying breed.
Good ol' boys gotta keep the good ol' boys that are alive.
I agree.
Good ol' boys are a dying breed.
And you're the funniest fucking guy I know, Bradley.
I mean, seriously.
What say, you two quit being fools this damn minute? Ain't got no time to waste on this planet.
That's what's up.
You know, the Little Bones game is tied over there right now.
That's what's up.
- That's what's up.
- That's what's up.
You're damn right, that's what's up.
Now, get your asses down to my second favorite cousin's birthday party.
(DOG BARKING) (UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO) Okay, everybody, and who wants a big happy birthday together! ALL: Happy birthday to Gail! (CHEERING) - Whoo! - Yeah.
Relationships, it's a lot of work.
Do what you love And you'll never work a day in your life.
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