Letterkenny (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

A Fuss At The Golf Course

One of your dogs was being a degen the other day What's up, what's up Don't let the dog lick your boot.
Off you go.
Way y'go.
Way y'go.
Way y'go.
-What's the problem? -Your boots are covered in piss.
Are you accusing me of washing my boots in the toilet again? All dudes' shoes are covered in piss.
From standin' in front of the toilet or a urinal.
Your stream hits the water or the porcelain and it goes fuckin' everywhere.
-Prove it.
-No, he's right.
Have you ever taken a look at the area half a foot in fronts of a urinal? It's like a miniature swamps.
Ants could ride sea-doos through it.
Ants can't ride no sea-doos.
Of course ants can't ride no sea-doos! Just don't let the dog lick your boots.
I mean not to be an expert on the subject, 'cause of course, everybody's a fuckin' expert.
Everybody's a fuckin' expert.
Must be nice.
You know, when I was coming up we'd be lucky to even have a dog.
Now everyone's a fuckin' expert.
Must be nice.
You guys notice that whenever there's a problem everybody turns into a dog expert? We oughtta leave this world behind.
Maybe they could.
-Maybe who could? -Ants.
-Could what? -Ride sea-doos.
Good buddy? See, there's a lot of variables at play here, obviously.
But if you ask me if I've heard crazier things than ants riding sea-doos I'd say sure.
You'd need a scientist.
You'd need a team of scientists, I think.
Well, ants are smart enough to walk single file and protect their queen.
So, you know, they're just a stone's throw away from humans intelligence-wise.
They're a hop, skip and a jump, if you really think about it.
You get a scientist to make a sea-doo for an ant? Well, I think a team of scientists, a good one, for sure could.
A scientist making sea-doos for ants would be a tireless job.
Thankless, likely, too.
Well, you operates the gas with your thumb on the sea-doo so, ants don't got thumbs.
That right there is your first obstacles.
No, you'd have to get scientists to make the gas a push button so the ant could just put his foot on it.
It's like if a team of scientists was building a sea-doo for an ant, they could likely just as easily build the ant a bionic thumb to operate the gas with.
So, there's options there.
Yeah.
Ant would need a license to operate a personal watercraft.
That's not a big deal.
You can get that over the weekend.
But the scientists would have to build them a PFD because they wouldn't let them take the course without it.
Ants would have no problem stabilizing themselves out on the sea-doo on accounts that they got more arms and legs than we do.
They've got a leg up on us there, if you wants to be clever about it.
If I'm an ant I'm operating the sea-doo with my antennas.
That way I've got all those arms and legs to stabilize myself on the machine, which you'd need like, if it's a wavy day on the water.
It'd still take a lot of concentration from an ant.
Like Dan's gonna fall off two or three times when he gets going.
So it's just trial and error.
I don't know.
You don't know what? Well, think about Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Think about how helpful and resilient the ant was the entire journey.
Well, know what, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, the kids might never have got un-shrunk if it weren't for the ant.
That's all well and good, but I'm actually quite surprised you guys would suggest that the ants would just up and abandon his post protecting the queen to go ride on sea-doos.
Well, you don't know that ant, Dan.
You know nothing about the ant, Dan.
That's rather presumptuous of youse.
You're an ant comin' up in a tough neighbourhood.
Never caught a break in your life.
All of a sudden there's a team of scientists outside your door with a sea-doo.
Dan, look me in the eye right now and tell me you don't ride it.
The ant's buddies would be thrilled to help him out.
They'd happily cover his shift protecting the queen.
An opportunity like that? They'd be linin' up around the anthill.
How many more opportunities like that you think the ant's going to get? Not many.
That's the first ant in the colony to ride a sea-doo.
That's his legacy.
They'd be talking about that ant inter-colonial.
Fire ants wouldn't fuck with him.
He rides sea-doos.
-What's the alternative? -Yeah, what's the alternative? Work on an ant farm? That ant's got a life on the outside, he's got to live it God dammit.
His hours might have got cut.
He might have mouths to feed.
You don't know.
His wife's thinking about leaving, taking the kids too.
I was out of line.
Well, good people make mistakes, Dan.
Yeah, it's all right.
Just just like, I don't know, like, down the road, I think, if you hear somebody talkin' about somebody that they don't really know, you'll swiftly correct them.
I think it's important that they just learn something here.
Not to be an expert, 'cause everybody's a fuckin' expert.
Must be nice.
Can you get me some sour candies? Sure, Katy-Kat.
You got him well trained, don't ya? Wayne, how'r ya now.
Not s'bad.
Good 'n you? Now now hold on, Wayne, Wayne.
Wayne, we aint' got time for the pleasantries, all right? Youse guys heard what the hockey coach is up to at the golf course? Fuck golf.
Fuckin' ankle sock wearin' sallies, that's all I know.
That fuckin' twat says there's too much shits from Canada Gooses on the golf course.
There's too much shit from Canada Gooses everywhere.
Just keep your dog out of it and keep walkin'.
Exactly.
But get this.
To curb the amount of shits from Canada Gooses, that degenerate son-of-a-bitch has put the wheels in motion to oil and grease up the eggs! Hot Jimmy! What the fuck ya talkin' about oil and grease up the eggs? They track down the Canada Gooses nests, put oil on Canada Gooses eggs so they won't hatch.
-Oh! -(ALL) What?! So mother Canada Gooses sit on their eggs and wait diligently for them to-- Hatch, but they never hatch.
Canada Gooseslings die inside the egg.
What?! What?! What?! What?! I've never been so irate in my whole fuckin' life! You fuck with mother nature! You don't fuck with it, cocksucker.
You don't fuck with motherhood! There's a special place in heaven for animal lovers, that's all I know.
Those are fuckin' Canada Gooses.
Those are Canada's fuckin' gooses.
Canada Gooses are majestics.
Barrel-chested.
The envys of all ornithologys.
They are leaders.
Born and bred leaders.
Canada Gooses are van-fuckin'-garde.
Avant-fuckin'-garde.
Guardians of the fuckin' galaxy! You wanna know what? You got a problem with Canada Gooses, you got a problem with me, and I suggest you let that one marinate.
Now coach is an expert on Canada Gooses.
Must be fuckin' nice! When I was comings up you'd be lucky to even have Canada Gooses.
Now we got so manys you want to start killin' their babies.
Must be fuckin' nice.
You guys ever notice that as soon as there's a problem around here everybody starts killin' Canada Gooses? We oughtta leave this world behind.
Canada Gooses mate for life.
They're just like you and me.
Those cocksuckers help each other fly when they're in the air.
They look out for each other.
Now you wanna kill them for takin' shits.
You know, I saw two Canada Gooses mount a swan one time and you gotta think that swan told her friends about it.
You're goddamn right she did.
I think we all need to take a good look in the mirror and ask ourselves, where we would be without Canada Gooses.
We cannot allows this to happen.
We will not allow this to happen.
I'm about ready to put some anthrax in the fuckin' mail here, that's all I know.
ooh! Settle down, baby.
Settle down.
Hey! Let's hit the golf course! -Hey.
Hey, buddy.
-Oh, hey, buddy.
You, uh, throwin' some weights around, eh? Beastin' it up.
Nice.
Muscle confusing.
Progressive overloading.
Gettin' yolked.
Gettin' yolked.
Nice.
Could use a spot every now and then, though, you know.
Could use a spot sometimes too.
But I'm I'm fine, though, man.
Like, I'm good.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm good, dude.
Super good, man.
Thanks for Sweet Who brought the rockets, boys? Whose billet brothers are fuckin' rockets, boys? I'll celebrate your biscuit all night, bud.
Ever gone bar upski? Fag.
How'd you know your dad's safe word when I fist his ass, bud? We got real dirty with his dangle, bud.
I fucked your dad with chapped lips and a runny nose.
Fucked your dad with bad bread and B.
O.
Olympic rules in this shoot-out boys.
Order of shooters is me, me, me and then me, again.
I'm fuckin' T.
J Oshie.
You've never seen a two-way centre-man with jam like this, boys.
Let's see some jam, boys.
Let's see you jam it right up there.
You need a pest on your roster? I'm a shit disturber.
I'll disturb your shit all night.
Wanna play some Chel? I should I should really get back to Katy, buddy.
Good call.
Man, she makes me do stuff for her like all the time.
I'll play Chel with you, buddy.
Let's hit that A button.
Ay, ay, ay, ay If he gets tired I'll be right there to hit ay, ay, ay, ay, for him.
I'll cover his point any day.
Must be nice.
Thank you.
I am very good.
So, ladies and gentlemen of the Letterkenny Grey Granite Copper Crick Whistle Ridge Golf & Country Club, goose droppings will no longer be impeding our play on this lovely course.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now let's hit the links! Has someone around here got a problem with Canada Gooses takin' Canada deuces? Must be nice! When I was comings up we'd be luck to even have oils for our tractors.
Now you got so much of it you want to pour it on eggs.
Must be fuckin' nice! Whenever anybody's got a problem these days it's straight to dumpin' oil on it.
We oughtta leave this world behind.
Wanna know what? You got a problem with Canada Gooses, you got a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate.
Leave the egg painting to the Easter Bunny, you pile of shit! Your wardrobe colour scheme looks like a bi-polar spell! Get those cocksuckers off your feet! -Pardon? -The ankle socks, you fuckin' sally.
How does your wife let you leave the house lookin' like that, huh? My wife died three years ago.
Yeah, well, one look at you and it's clear she's in a better place now, you fuckin' asshole! Look! The oiling of goose eggs was approved by the board, all right? And a fine board it is.
So your little breaking-glass display is not going to work.
That's why we have a new by-law that prohibits glass bottles.
So all of you are going to get fined.
Fine my balls, you fuckin' dandy.
Fine 'em and suck 'em while you're at it, you chooch! I will do neither of those things, good sir.
There's a special place in heaven for animal lovers, that's what I always say.
Yes.
And those animals will now have a special place in heaven, as well.
Along with my wife, Barbara.
So, let's hit the links! Fuckin' embarrassing.
I'm ready to drive my car into a crowd.
Just calm down, baby.
Let's get to work on getting the Canada Gooses off the golf course.
We have some coyote decoys in the shed.
Worked for that golf course off the Maitlands River.
Uh-hm, it'll work here too.
-Pitter-patter.
-We'll get to work on getting ankle socks off the golf course.
-Ain't that right, baby.
-Uh-hm.
Let's do this! -'Sup boys? -Nothing.
You? Nothin' I'm not doing a whole lot of anything these days.
Oh.
Oh.
Be my altar boy, man.
Be my altar man.
The Lord worketh dayeth and nighteth in his battle to castaway heathenethses.
That's a lot of work for the Lordeth alone.
The Lord could useth some helpeth in his fight against the heathensetheseses No! The Lordeth have all the help in the world.
And all they want is your money anyway.
Join us.
Connect.
Conjugate.
Coalesce.
-I'm not really religious, boys.
-That'll do.
-Have nothing really against it, though.
-That'll do.
Can't we all just hang out? (ALL) No! Coyotes.
The most obnoxious predators of rural Canadas.
The town'll still give you sixty-five bucks a tail for pickin' 'em off.
To kill coyotes is okay.
Coyotes'll raid your hen house.
Coyotes attack your livestock, too.
You don't see no Canada Gooses steal with nobody, good or bad.
No.
You know what Canada Gooses do? Canada Gooses help the people who what's stolen from.
That's what Canada Gooses do.
Tell you what, if you're accusing Canada Gooses of stealing, you're accusing me of stealing and I suggest you let that one marinate.
Let's get real here.
Coyote decoys work on Canada Gooses, but there's not a coyote on planet Earth who wants nothin' to do with no Canada Gooses.
Lions is lucky Canada Gooses don't migrate to Africa.
Then they'd be's extinct.
The only animal in the animal kingdom what wants anything to do with Canada Gooses is Canada Mooses.
Well, Mike Tyson had a pretty good run of things.
Do you wanna know why? No Canada Gooses in his weight class.
Don't you remember when that plane had to land on the river in New York 'cause Canada Gooses flew into the engine? It's 'cause Canada Gooses likely had intel there was a pedophile or two on board and took matters into their own hands.
As they should! No innocent people hurt either.
You think that's a fluke? You tell me that's a fluke.
Go ahead and try and tell me that's a fluke.
You try to tell me that's a fluke right now.
Okay, look! No Canada Gooses on the golf course means no eggs to be oiled.
Animal cruelty avoided.
Fuckin' eh.
You know, when I was comin' up you'd be lucky to even have any animals.
Now you got so many animals you wants to be cruel to them? Must be fuckin' nice! Any time anybody's got a problem these days it's straight to being cruel to animals.
We gotta leave this world behind.
Keep it movin'.
I wanna get some sun today and there's still lots to do.
For Canada Gooses? ALL: Anything! MAN: Quack! Who's that? Fuckin' embarrassing.
You gonna replace that divot there, asshole? (GLASS SMASHING) That cocksucker went farther than your ball did, you sally.
-Whoa! -You got your pitchin' wedge in there? I got a pitch for you.
Go fuck yourself.
That's impressive.
Heard you were sexually harassing all the beer-kart girls.
Well, we have a beer-kart boy in this club so -Bingo! -(LAUGHING) WOMAN: Have some self-respect you fuckin' sally.
You're on Canada Gooses land.
You better fix that divot 'cause Canada Gooses would fix it for you.
There's a special place in heaven for friggin' animal lovers, -that's what I always say.
-Um-hmm.
-Watch yourself, baby.
-(GLASS SMASHING) You suck! Go fuck yourself, ya sally! Dookus All right, Jonesy.
Despite catastrophic contrariness in character and concerning contrast in conduct.
Disturbing disparity in demeanour.
Don't be redundant, Roald.
(SNORING) Oh my God, I just woke up.
Remind me.
Do you enjoy gaming? -Yeah.
-Dancing.
Dancing.
-No.
-Hard drugs? -That's a fight on sight, buddy.
-Qui! C'est parfait! -Pardon? -I think you mean pardone.
Donc Faque allons-y! Jonesy.
Do you like bread? -Yeah.
-Uh-hmm.
That's the body of Christ, buddy.
Do you like wine? -Sure.
-That's the blood of Christ.
Do you like singing? -Um -Doot do do do do -Do do.
-Oh, Lord, did you hear it? It's the voice of an angel.
I think the choice is clear.
Just do it! -But gaming! -Gaming.
-I love Chel, boys.
-Chel it is.
Chel it is.
Chel? Uh, no! No! What about cheese.
Cheese? Yes.
Cheese.
Everyone knows cheese is the milk of Christ.
You've hit the motherlode of cheesie yumminess when you pick Christ.
It's a classic.
Bread, wine, cheese.
And also cured in salted dried meats.
That's the flesh of Christ.
-Huh? -See Corinthians! Bread, wine, cheese, meat! Christianity is a charcuterie board.
Come have some charcuterie with Christ, Jonesy.
You'll like it.
It's yummy.
-Blasphemy! -Sacrilege! What would you know? (CAR DOOR CLOSES) Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
Katy send you for some sour candies again? Yeah, buddy.
Buddy, you should just buy a bunch of packs of sour candies.
You put all the packs of sour candies in a jar at Katy's, then you won't have to keep coming into town to get sour candies.
She'll have all the sour candies she wants right there.
Did you know that you're the smartest person that I've ever met? Back off, Reilly.
Jonesy's coming with me.
No he is not! He's coming with us.
I need a crew, buddy.
Jonesy want some charcuterie of Christ? You must be hungry.
You want a snacky? -Christ gives you snackies.
-Jones come here Jonesy.
You want a little snackie, just shhh-- -Jonesy.
Come here, Jonesy.
-(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Yummy, yummy.
Come here, Jonesy.
Yummy, yummy, snack down.
Yummy, yummy, snack down.
-(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) -Who's the good Jonesy? Come here come here Jonesy.
Come.
Come-- Yummy, yummy Yummy yummy- Oh who's the good Jonesy? Jonesy, chel, chel, chel chel Jonesy, come here buddy.
Come on.
Chel, chel, chel, chel, chel, chel, chel, chel, chel Bujie, bujie, bujie, bujie Chel chel Come here, Jonesy.
(GEESE HONKING) -MAN: Fuck golf -Fuckin' embarrassing.
Would you stop talkin' so I can enjoy this peaceful game? How fuckin' peaceful can it be hackin' it up all day, bud.
-You fuckin' suck.
-You're terrible.
I'm not sure time heals that wound.
Must be nice to have time to hack it up all day.
Must be nice.
When I was comin' up we'd be lucky to have any times to relax.
Now you got enough time to relax and hacks it up.
Must be fuckin' nice! Whenever anybody has a problem these days it's straight to hacking it up and make yourself look like a fuckin' fool on the links.
Gotta leave this world behind.
-Look, the geese-- -Gooses! they're just pheasants with better marketing.
-(GLASS SHATTERS) -You got a problem with Canada Gooses, you got a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate.
-(GLASS SHATTERS) -You play the Beatles White Album backwards, you know what you hear? Canada Gooses.
Same thing for Michael Jackson's Thriller.
-(GLASS SHATTERS) -And everything Shania Twain's ever recorded! -(GLASS SHATTERS) -They buried a Canada Gooses feather at centre ice for Crosby's golden goal in 2010! When Columbus found North America and the Native Americans were in it, you know what helped them find the way? Canada Gooses.
And what did you hear right before JFK's got assassinated there, Fuzzy Zellers? A Canada Goose trying to warns him.
Did you ever notice how there's always Canada Gooses flying overhead when there's a fire? They're flapping water on it, but no one calls them heroes.
They're not in it for the glory; they're in it for the people.
For the relationships.
I've noticed walking down the path of my life usually in the deepest and darkest and saddest times, there was always one set of footprints in the sand.
And they're webbed.
And if my wife were here instead of getting us a cocksucking gin and tonic she'd say there's a special place in heaven for animal lovers.
Fuckin' embarrassing.
Bring it.
Bring it.
Bring it.
Come on.
Come on! See anyone up town? Yeah, uh, Roald, Stewart, Glen, you know.
Jonesy.
I got a whole bag of sour candies for you so you can put 'em in a big jar and put 'em on the counter it's just just for you, Katy-Kat.
Oh, no I wanted the sour jellybeans.
Okay, but I just drove all the way to town and and back.
So, uh-- Well, maybe Jonesy can pick them up.
Or is Jonesy gone? (ECHOING) Jonesy gone Jonesy gone Jonesy gone Jonesy gone Jonesy gone -No! -No? No.
No.
I'll I'll I'll go get I'll go get them.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIABLE) -(GLASS SHATTERS) -So, if I start taking shits on your golf course you can start killing my babies 'cause it's exact same thing with Canada Gooses.
-It's exact same thing.
-Aw, it's fuckin' embarrassing! -(GLASS SHATTERS) -And how do you thinks Evil Knievel's made all them dare devil jumps there, shitty John Daleys, Canada Gooses.
Letting them into their jet streams, that's how.
That that is not true.
The same thing goes for Evil Knievel Junior and Travis Pastrana.
They owe everything they have to Canada Gooses.
-It's not true! -(GLASS SHATTERS) And most people don't know this but Canada Gooses were the deciding factor in the 1995 Quebec referendum.
They kept this country together.
-(GLASS SHATTERS) -You got a problem with animal lovers, you got a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate.
Fine! Fine! The Geese-- -Gooses! -(GRUNTS) I will call off the oiling of the Goose eggs, all right, if you will leave this golf course, all right, and let the members of the Letterkenny Grey Granite Copper Creek Whistle Ridge Golf and goddam Country Club, play this game in peace! -Do we have your word? -You have my word! Then come look me in the eye and shake my fuckin' hand.
Hop to it! Get movin', Tiger stripes Woods.
Horizontal stripes are never flattering.
Thank fuckin' Christ, am I happy to leave this fuckin' Goose factory.
-Holy shit do you hack it up -Unreal.
Get some ankle socks, you dick head.
Come on, come on, come on, replace those divots.
Those Canada Gooses will do it for you The fuckin' grass grows Go for an Arnold Palmer You know, it's hard not to have Canada Gooses backs when they're so close to us as humans.
Male Canada Gooses help female Canada Gooses.
They're fuckin' hammered, eh? It's pretty hard to believe that Canada Gooses are still labelled a pest species in most rural areas.
Well, if the shoe fits, wear it.
If the truth hurts, bare it, bud.
I'll always root for the underdog.
The Canada Gooselings are pretty cute when they hatch though, right? Well, no arguments there, good buddy.
Fuckin' eh.
Have you ever seen how Canada Gooses stray feathers floatin' on water? They're not even like other bird feathers that get all waterlogged and shit.
No.
They're aerodynamic.
Aqua-dynamic.
It's almost like ants could use their feathers as racing as kayaks or some shit Ants racing on kayaks, baby.
Of course they can't, ants can't race no kayaks, honey.
But maybe they coulds.