Letterkenny (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

Way To A Man's Heart

You finished up choring the other day.
Fucking Great day for hay.
Wanna know the worst part about doing hay, is all the dust and debris what gets up your beak.
(BLOWING) Well, that's definitely the top three worst parts to doing hay, yeah.
Fuck sakes, Dan, clean it up.
That's what I was doing, Ms.
Katys.
Don't blow your nose on your sleeve.
Well, how hard actually works if you never blown your nose on your shirt.
KATY: Why are you taking your boots off, Dary? Is this the degen convention, or what's the scoop? Well how hard've you actually worked if you don't kick your boots off the second you're through? Keep those flippers away from me.
What? Don't wanna my feet marinate in my sweaty boots.
I suggest you don't let that one marinate.
So you might get toe-nail fungus.
on account of it's so moist in there.
That'll be the last time I hear that word coming out of your mouth.
What, fungus? No.
Marinate? No.
Oh.
MEN: Moist.
Don't tell that to the good folks of Moist Jaw, Saskatchewan.
Or the good folks at Mira-moisti where they love shucking moysters.
Don't forget about Moistness Tennessees.
The Moist-issippi's a great river.
You've ever been to Moisti-Gras? No, but I've been to the rocky Moisten-range in the United States of Amoistica.
I will fight you.
What have got against the Moistro Fresh Wes? Moist Def.
Modest Moist.
The Moisty Moisty Bosstones.
Paul Moist-cartney.
That fucker wrote Yesterday , Katy.
Gucci-Moist, Meek Moist, Moisty Cyrus.
The Moist-Fits, Dead-Moist.
Moist-tallica's, Moisters of Puppets.
I'll fucking fight you.
Get 'er a shot of fuckin' Jagger-moister.
Or a Captain Moist-gan's and Coke.
We should get her a Moister Energy Drink , and then we should all go race Moisto-cross.
Race some moister trucks.
What's the problem? (GAGGING) Oh, Jesus.
Watch the smokes.
There you go.
Now you're moist.
This display courtesy, of the Three Moist- kateers.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) What are yous doing? What are yous doing? I asked you first.
Not drinking at 11:00 a.
m.
How is that for an answer, you fucking degen? Bitch.
That's Queen Bitch, Ugly.
Who comes to the bar in their barn clothes, you fucking Ogre? Yeah, tell Shrek we said hello.
And try not to fuck his donkey.
Cannibal's a compliment for you.
Keep walking, Critter.
Tough talk.
She can back it up too.
Try it.
KATY: You selling cigarettes to kids? Can I help you? I have a feeling you're the ones that are gonna need help.
Move along, Skank.
You're not from around here, are you? You're deaf? Take.
A.
Walk.
You's are in deep shit.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) DAX: I'll give you a different kind of clap bomb, boys.
Four pink pills and she's gone though, I promise.
Let's set up in Gretz's office, boys.
Work my quiet zone.
You know what I'm saying? Remember the Louisville rubber shaft? Have a Daxiville rubber shaft.
Let's have a Ronnybrooke.
Short side, far side, blind side, gimme your best shot.
Five holes are wide open, boys, take it.
Take it! I can stick handle inside a phone booth, boys.
Let's see your handles.
Show me.
I'm a late round performer, boys.
Let's go seven.
I have to say, boys, that is some of the finest chirping that I've ever received.
Ever? And you're shrines too.
your temples, my God.
First team all-stars.
Take that to the temples, boys, two days written all over you.
But people aren't supposed to enjoy being catcalled.
Yeah, supposed to not enjoy being catcalled.
Yeah, hey, fuck buddy, if anybody knows how hot we are, you're looking at 'em.
There's a line-up around the block for this bop-bop shop.
Yeah, and nobody's kicking this kid out of bed for eating crackers that's for sure.
I've yet to see one customer not come back for seconds at that buffet.
Yeah, I bet you thought everybody skips a continental breakfast.
Guess what, they don't.
Take this ride and you're getting right back in line, boys.
Truth is, you're not really our type, boys.
Bull-fucking-shit.
Think we don't see you rocking semis? We're gay guys at the gym, we're always rocking semis.
It's true though.
You're not our type.
What is your type then, you fucking liar? BOTH: Otters.
Like the Eerie Otters? Like the Cal State Monterey Bay Otters? No, otters are what we call skinny hairy dudes.
Points for creativity, boys.
Love the hustle, boys.
so, what are we supposed to call you then? Our gay buddies from the gym, or We took gay in the expansion draft from you about a hundred years back.
Butch? Shout out to our sisters in the women's league.
Fruit? Fruit had a cup of coffee in the show a few decades back, but never really produced for either of us.
Bear? You guys released bear a while back for under performing and we got her at a friendly price.
Been a real stud for us ever since.
Cub? Cub's been consistent since he put her on line with Bear.
Poofter? Still playing overseas.
Likely gonna retire there.
Nellie? Only your grandpa remembers that alumni.
Homo? Homo maybe in your ring of honor, but never forget the body checks our goons threw down to end that career.
Creed? Creed is the best Arena music of all time.
But still, it's only for some.
I'm not fucking saying it.
BOTH: Fag.
Not sure that's PC, but you said it.
Fag got cut in the '80s, and may have cleared waivers, but we all made a gentlemen's agreement not to sign it because of behavior detrimental to the league.
Call me Dax.
Call me Ron.
Fuck, let's be buddies, Daxi.
Let's be buds, Ronzy.
Really? Yeah.
Fuck, you guys slam crush butts.
We slam crush box and the world keeps on turning, boys.
JONESY: Well, fuck.
Come over here and lay some skin on me, Daxi.
REILLY: Lay some skin on me, Ronzy.
REILLY: Fist time.
(CHUCKLES) Look.
Jonesy and I, usually just fist each other like Just like that.
Yeah, I know it's that.
No, it's different, it's supposed to It's like this.
Oh, okay.
I guess we better go talk to Katy-Kat, buddy.
Time to break it to Kitty-Kat, buddy, but wait You seriously don't wanna bang us, you fucking liars? Come crash my crease, show stopper.
Two minutes for rough and give me ten.
I'll get rougher.
Fuck the blue line.
Nothin's offside over here.
Try it.
I'll bulge your twine.
Just try and stop me.
You're gonna love it.
Sauce me a stretch pass, I'll sauce you a stretch ass.
Let's bury a howitzer, boys.
Send a howi, I'll get a stick on it.
Let's go hip to hip.
Their names are Shyla and Shania.
The two newest strays on the Rez.
They stole Axe and Slash from me.
And I'm pretty sure they're banging them, 'cause they're fucking banging everyone.
Skanks! They're selling cigarettes to kids.
Yeah, well, kids are shit heads, like the resilient ones.
They'd have found the darts one way or another, fuck.
Excuse me, but I earned the right to sell smokes in Letterkenny, and I never sold to anyone under high school age.
I fucking checked IDs.
They called me a skank.
Game on! I really miss Axe and Slash.
I'm disappointed in them.
They're like my buddies, you know.
So I find them and beat the shit out of them? Well, I was starting to wonder when the next scrap was coming.
Was starting to think it was never gonna come.
And I'm not so sures it's beating the shits out of Axe and Slash is gonna makes them come backs to you, Tanis.
No, no, they need their asses kicked.
Fucking done.
Every woman knows the way to a man's heart ain't through his zipper.
Can confirm.
It's through his stomach.
MEN: Can confirm.
And there is a big cookout on the Rez today, and I am the cookout Queen.
Everyone comes my way.
So if Axe and Slash don't come running, I'm a fucking chimp.
What are you cooking? What are you cooking? Everything.
Bison burgers, Walleye nuggets, trout fillets, Venison steaks, bannock, fried bread and my famous Indian taco.
You'll have to roll me out of there, Tanis.
Yeah, they got forklifts on the Rez there Tanis? Then she's bought and paid for.
We cruise on in there, eat like kings, beat the shit out of those dudes, snatch up Axe and Slash, and away we go.
Don't say that word.
What? Oh.
MEN: Snatch.
You're gonna bring up all those rich meats, and now you don't wanna talk about snatch-erated fats? What you never had a Cabbage Snatch Kid growing up? What'd you never had a snatch-and-sniff sticker when you were a kid? Everyone loves snatch-and-win bingo.
Fuck off.
How about that Robin Williams movie, Snatch Adams? That tugged at a few heart-strings.
My favorite part of the Simpsons was the Itchy and Snatchy Show.
What, you never see Snathural Born Killers? Margaret Snatcher was the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
Wonder if she ever met Benedict Cumbersnatch.
He's from over there too, right? Who wrote that song Snatch My Bitch Up? Definitely not Snatchbox 20.
Or Snatching Pumpkins.
What's the problem? Shyla and Shania have a bunch of guys with them so you might wanna call in a favor.
(MUSIC ON STEREO) I'll holler one instead.
Hey! Remember when we backed yous up on the Rez? Yeah, that time we didn't have the Native Flu? Payback time.
Good.
Because we definitely didn't have the Native Flu.
DARYL: Snatchurally.
Scooby snatch.
What's the problem? To the Rez, pink dicks.
(FINGERS SNAPPING) The hour is upon us, Bible thumper.
How'd you know, heathen? You don't even wear a watch.
What happened to he who cast the first stone? A broken window likely.
And hopefully no one seriously injured.
Tell me, preacher, if your God found himself in a comparable turf war contingency, what would Jesus do? Jesus would advocate for empathy, acceptance and grace.
Jesus might advise you to take a whack at his way of life.
Very well.
What? Fuck it.
We will sample his style, for the day.
Oh.
Under the condition that you sample ours.
I don't know, Stewart, I'm hesitant.
What happened to, "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid"? Second Timothy 1:7.
Oh, you are proving yourself exalted, Roald.
Alors? D'accord.
Allons-y.
But first, our wardrobes crave alteration.
You're just gonna let this chicken sit uncovered, or Put the grill up to 500.
You wanna turn that down a bit, or DAN: Montreal steak spice would help that Bison meat.
So you gonna sprinkle some on there or Sure you wanna put those fish and veggies on at the same time, or Yous wanna stop questioning Auntie Tanis' cooking? Still you're gonna squirt a little marinate on there, or Don't say that word.
What, marinate? No.
Oh.
MEN: Squirt.
What the fuck, Tanis, you love Wu-Tang Clan.
No love for Old Squirty Bastard.
BOTH: Squirt McGirt.
Katy, you love Odd Future.
You got no love for Earl Sweatsquirt? What about Rush drummer Neil Squirt? Or Squirton Cummings of The Guess Whos? Squirtis Mayfield.
Squirt Cobain.
BOTH: Too far.
Rosie loves reading Squirt Vonnegut literature.
Didn't you ever watch that show when you were a kid, Squirt and Ernie? Katy was watching Squirty Dancing just yesterday.
Okay, that's a lie.
I was watching Squirty Dancing.
It's a great movie.
I think it's about time we revisit the Squirty Harry film series.
Didn't Kathryn Bigelow direct that movie, The Squirt Locker? We squirtnear forgot about Jamie Lee Squrtis.
Fuck! Squirtnear.
I don't want the squirt the issue here boys, but I'm a real sucker for pencil squirts.
Mini-squirts, boys.
Fuck, Tanis, you got a half a dozen squirt steaks on the grill right now.
What's the problem? Really though, are you gonna squirt a little marinade on there, or Fuck sake.
Allow me to begin my three step tutorial on preachin'.
So here's how you start.
Step one, guilt blasting'.
Take to the pulpit, present yourself to the congregation and you really just let 'em have it.
Goes something like this.
You're all guilty.
You're all sinners.
You're all guilty of sin.
You're all guilty of not asking for forgiveness.
Oh, I know, I know, I know.
Here we go.
We skip into doopa-doopa-doo, acting like he isn't even there, he doesn't even matter.
Who cares about Jesus.
'Till somethin' goes wrong.
Till you're served the lemons.
And then suddenly it's, "Oh, Jesus, help me.
I need you now.
"I can't remember how to make lemonade.
I need your help, Jesus.
I've been bad and I'm scared and I'm afraid.
"Where's my Jesus? Help me Jesus.
" Kind of mean.
Enticing.
Step two? Step two.
Guilt blastin' through prayer.
Five star.
So, this one, you wanna dig a little bit deeper, maybe crank everything up to a eleven.
Something Something a little like this.
See if you can follow.
Oh, Lord, it's us again.
Stinky little sinners.
Human sacks of garbage! Probably already half way to hell.
You know the drill, Lord.
When everything's going bad, we come running.
When everything's good, poof! We act like your grace is our birthright.
Which it is not! Oh, I'm sure you're tired.
Lord, you must be exhausted! You already went ahead and died for our sins.
Then you went and brought yourself back from the dead.
I'm tired just thinking about it.
So you rest for a bit, Lord.
You rest.
And we, we'll just keep doing what we do best.
Paving our own roads to hell.
You know the drill.
Amen! Bewitching.
Oh, what's step three? Step three, is the collection plate.
Wondrous.
Well, that's uh, pretty much all sure about preachin'.
So, uh, what are your three steps? STEWART: Take this.
ROALD: Press play.
BOTH: And dance.
Are you meaning to do the Bison medium well, or Sure you want that raw chicken so close to the veggies, or BOTH GIRLS: Shut up! TANIS: hey! Don't talk to them like that.
Or what? Or whatever the fuck I want! We hear you like to bark.
But do you even bite? Maybe if you spent less time on your backs, yous would know.
Or maybe if you spent less time selling cigarettes to kids, you'd know.
TANIS: Uh hmm.
This ain't gonna last.
Yous ain't foolin' anyone.
Yes, it will.
(STAMMERS) Yeah, it will.
Start thinking with your big brain not your little brain.
They don't need you, Tanis.
Nobody does.
We've got them now.
There's a bit of char on your grill, you gonna scrape that off, or You gonna bump that heat down or What's that? Is that a little trouble in paradise? You never complained about Auntie Tanis's cooking.
Just sayin'.
BOTH: Enough! You tarts can't handle a barbeque, let alone handle your scandal.
I can see your clammy hands from here.
Do not say that word.
I hate that word.
Which one? DAN: Oh ALL: Clammy! Let's just pump the brakes and quick fuckin' sec here your friends in clamellia.
Let's get to the clam-meat and potatoes of it.
What'd, you never listen to Clammy Davis Junior? What's up? Clammy Hagar's the superior Val Halen vocalist.
I don't care what anyone else says.
Clammy Sosa use to hit them big dingers.
What, you never listen to Clammy Wynette? What's the problem? Shut up! Nuff talkin'.
Nuff chin waggin'.
Which one of yous called my sister a skank? Oh, there's not much I can do about this one, kiddo.
It's all right, boo.
I got her.
Fuck sake.
When's the next scrap comin'? Starting to think it's never gonna fuckin' come, fuck.
AXE: You gonna give those nuggets a flip soon, or Want me to do it, or BOTH: For fuck sakes.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Hi, Katy.
Hi, Katy-Kat.
Pete and repeat.
Ola.
So, uh, we were just, we were just wondering Like we're partners.
Kind of.
Um, and we work well really together So like, we were wondering if If I would date both of you again.
REILLY: Actually, yes.
Yeah.
The truth is, guys, I don't really want to date either of you.
It's just not really the right time.
BOTH BOYS: Oh.
And now it's just you guys, so, think of all the snipes.
BOTH BOYS: Hmm.
Big city slams.
BOTH: Oooh.
Wheel, snipe, celly boys.
BOTH: Dirty fuckin' dangles, boys! So you still prefer pussy over a meal made by Auntie Tanis? BOTH: They don't need you, anymore.
You know what I heard.
You guys aren't the only ones in there.
Better watch out for that yeast.
Do not say that word.
Which one, pussy? No.
Oh ALL: Yeast! What'd you never watch Beauty and the Yeast growing up? You outta your fuckin mind.
What, you never stayed up for the Yeaster Bunny? Yeastern Promises, it's a great movie.
Yeastbound and Down is a great shows.
You look more suited to the Witches of Yeastwick.
Or the Yeast Enders.
Done it.
Look, all we are saying is Give Yeast a Chance.
Have you ever listened to the Yeasty Boys? Ain't you ever been to Yeast Side Marios? This isn't Yeast or Famine.
And last but not yeast Fuck off.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) I'm fatigued.
Feeble.
Flimsy.
Same.
Drained.
Dilapidated.
Doddering.
I feel strangely fine.
Bombers? Out of bombers.
Rips? Oh, I think, Glen has the rips.
Glen.
Yes? Did any of those rips survive? Oh, sure.
All of them.
I didn't touch it.
What? But how did you The power of Christ compels me, Stewart.
You're foolin' us.
No.
I tricked you.
And trickery's not a sin.
Also, I got you to give God a try for a day.
Didn't kill you, did it? No.
As it turns out, God is actually pretty metal.
Well, of course he's metal.
Ain't you never heard of P.
O.
D.
? We concede, Glen.
Oh.
You have electrified us here today.
Oh.
We agree to cut the pie.
Divvy it up? Yes.
We can share the Dollar Store parking lot.
Hurray! But you're gonna be on your way now.
GLEN: Woo! I'm I'm done with this Indian Taco.
I'd invite yous over but you're too busy fuckin' up, so BOTH: They don't need you anymore.
Chicken's dry.
What? Nothing.
No.
What did you say? Chicken's dry.
I can hardly swallow it.
You want it to be a bit moist.
Argh.
Don't say that word.
What word? Oh.
ALL: Moist.
What? You've never watched Mickey and Minnie Moist growing up? You outta your fuckin' mind? Ronald Moist Donald.
Seein' my buddy Ben on Moisture Chefs Canadas? No.
But I'm all caught up on How to Moist a Murder.
Fuck those Avery's really put their foots in it now, eh? My favorite show is America's Moist Wanted.
You gotta respect athleticisms, Connor Moist-Gregor, Conner Moist-David, Floyd Moist-Weather.
Boy, they're all at the top of their classes.
They're all driving Moist-eradis, that's all I know.
May even a Rolls Moist.
Or maybe a Moist-cedes Benz.
No Moist-subishis eclipses in this bunch.
They're not using Capital One Moister-Cards.
Nope.
They got Amex Black likely.
Moist money, moist problems.
You're bum scum, bud.
Sled Ted? Rat Ass? Jivin' fuckin' Pete.
They've assembled the Degen All-Stars.
Their organization is baffling.
The fuck's your name anyway, bud? Alistair Orson Westwood Yates.
Baffling.
My name is Shut the fuck up.
Let's see you back it up now, bitch.
Tanis! We're gonna get our asses kicked.
KATY: Not our pig, not our farm, boys.
Yous don't need me anymore, remember? I, uh, have kind of been wondering when the next scrap is coming.
Oh, fuck.
Wait for it.
We're so sorry, Auntie.
We wanna come back.
We miss you, Tanis.
You took care of us.
We promise, we'll never get blinded by the pussy again.
We'll swear off the pussy for two weeks.
See what happened here today, ladies.
The way to a man's heart ain' through his zipper.
Tanis.
Hmm? Let's have a scrap.
About fuckin' time.
I started to think it was never gonna come.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Hmm, this is ever good there, Auntie.
I know.
Thanks, Tanis.
Auntie Tanis always takes care of her cubs, way-hey! I was a bit worried when we were cooking the raw chicken so close to the veg, but WAYNE: Axe! I fuckin' hate that word.
DARYL: What word? Oh.
BOTH GIRLS: Veg.
Let me talk you of the vedge, big brother.
I guess we're not gonna vedge allegiance to the flag then, eh? Have a dart? Have a Benson and Vedges.
Oh, you don't like Peter Gabriel? That fucker wrote Vedge-Hammer.
Stevie Nicks.
Vedge of Seventeen.
Stevie Nicks is a fuckin' vegendary.
Aerosmith, Living on the Vedge.
Heath Vedger.
JONESY: Vegendary.
You didn't like Edie Vedge-Wick? That fucker married Kevin Bacon.
No, no, no, no, no.
That was Keira Vedgewick.
Edie Vedge-Wick was Warhol's girl.
Well, I happen to know for a fact that Dan has a full vedge boner for any Vedge-wick.
Avegedly.
Vegitimately.
Vedge of Tomorrow starring Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt.
Amazing movie.
TANIS: Uh-huh.
Well, I don't think you're going to get a word in here, vegde-wish good buddy.
Prepare the Vegiment.
Take them veg or alive.
Vegiment! Fire! (ALL SCREAMING) (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)