Lexx s04e09 Episode Script
Fluff Daddy
It's a Type 13 planet, it's in its final stages, it's infected with some kind of alien - we are going to leave, now that we know.
The question is - where do we go? I suggest you go several paces to your left until you fall off the bridge to your death.
What about you Kai, you got any constructive ideas? No - let me guess - the dead don't care where we go! The dead don't care where you go.
Hello? I'm looking for Stanley H Tweedle.
- Are you there? Hello? - Bunny? I want you.
I need you.
In my arms, in my bed, right now.
I made love to the wrong man in Newfoundland, and my hot body still aches for the real Stanley Tweedle.
Please come to the White House and make sweet love to me.
Well good, good Bunny, I'm glad we got that cleared up.
You know OK, that's it - we're going back to Earth, pronto! Are you sure you want to return to an alien infected Type 13 planet in its final stage? Well look, every planet has its flaws - besides, I'm gonna get you to come with me for protection.
Kai's not going anywhere.
He has a date - on my face.
I will accompany you if you wish, Stanley.
I wanna come too.
For what reason? No reason, I just want to.
Lexx - 4.
09 - Fluff Dady All right, come on! I may not be the first into the First Lady, but I bet I'll be the best.
I want to - take - a walk.
Perhaps I should join you.
Oh no no no, you promised to stick with me, remember? Hey Xev, you can take your walk later.
Xev! Xev is not well.
I will go after her.
- No way, you - - I will return, Stanley.
Enjoy your sexual encounter with the President's wife.
Yeah, I'll try! Oh, Bunny - are you trying to seduce me? 'Cause it's working.
Matter of fact, you're causing quite a commotion in my pants.
Let's just get it over with.
Woo - hee! This is gonna be special.
I'm only doing this because the President wishes me to.
I love the President so badly it hurts.
And I will do whatever the President wants.
Wherever he wants? Don't push it.
Oh that's good, that's good - that's delightful! Oh, come to daddy! Oh, so - are you ready to - tussle with the muscle? How? What? Who? Nah, screw him! Not's rate, literally screw him - send someone over to his house to do it, pants down, cross the coffee table, the whole nine yards, and I want pictures.
What? Who else? That guy, screw him too! Oh, I'm wiggly, I'm all wiggly.
No no no no! - It's not working for me.
- It's working fine on my end! In bed with the President, I'm a raging tiger - - Oh, sounds good.
- but with you, Stanley Tweedle - you do absolutely nothing for me, zero.
With you, I'm - a dead cat.
Oh, well, we'll just have to wake up that little pussy, idn't he gorgeous? Besides, you know your husband wants you to do this - you don't wanna make him mad, do you? No! It really, really hurts to do this.
But - I love him so much.
What's going on? I'm playing a sexy movie - - it might help me get in the mood.
- Well - whatever wakes up that cat.
Your pizza ma'am.
Is it - hot? Piping hot, ma'am.
I like it - hot.
Is there extra sausage? All the sausage you could ever want.
That's Lyekka! - You are not kidding.
- Who? - Lyekka! She's a friend of mine, she was with us on the Lexx.
That'll be 15.
95.
- I'll pay you after I have my slice.
- She was a plant.
Well, first she was a dream about this girl that I knew, then she was a plant, and then she was killed, - and then she was a dream again - - What? Well, it's a long story OK, but she - it's Lyekka! She's the only girl I ever felt special about in a real way.
- That's nice.
- And she felt special about me too, she told me so.
I thought she was gone forever, but there she is.
I gotta find her - that guy she's with? All wrong.
Where is that place? I get these from Prince.
It says here they come from Kennebunkport, Maine.
Lyekka - I'm coming.
Stan the man is gonna save you.
Oh, look - it makes its own sauce.
- Ail, pff.
- Mr.
Huffer.
- I'm here to see Lyekka.
- Who? - Her.
- It's a closed set.
Well that's OK, go ahead and open it, I'll wait.
A closed set means - no admittance.
Oh no no, you don't understand, you see - I've gotta see her and she's gotta see me - we gotta see each other, it's just the way it is, so, you know, just go and - Hey, I'm a security guard too right - well, at least I was, you know, so we're on the same team, huh? So what about cutting a break for a brother in the trade? Huh? Well, why didn't you say so? - Prince - Xev.
You're not looking very wel.
Well, I'm not feeling very well.
I don't know how I got here.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
- How did you find me? - One of my many special talents.
Right.
What do you want this time? Tell me Xev - how are you enjoying your stay on the Earth so far? So far, I hate this planet.
I don't know what made me decide to come back here.
As soon as I find Kai and Stanley we are leaving.
Oh, but there's still so much fun to be had, Xev.
Why don't you wait until we've made a spectacular mess of this planet, and then we can all go off together on the Lexx.
Sounds wonderful, but I'm ready to leave now.
You don't know how much fun you'd be missing, Xev.
Such suspicion.
Come on - I won't bite you.
I might bite you.
I gotta see Lyekka! I am haemorrhaging cash and I want that new fluffer in here now! I'm the new fluffer! - You? - Yeah, yeah! Best fluffer in the two universes, reporting for duty.
What would you say if I told you I could take you to the one man on this planet that you would be most interested to meet.
- Who? - Kai, the living Kai.
- I'd say that you were a liar.
- But I'm not.
You saw for yourself the legions of souls that were released from Fire and Water when those planets were destroyed.
Most, if not all those spirits, came here! And the living Kai is of course among them.
Perhaps a chance to meet with the living Kai, the real Kai, might persuade you to extend your stay with us a little longer, hmm? If it were possible, and I really wanted to - maybe.
Forget it.
I don't trust you.
I don't trust anything you say.
You're evil, and you're Prince, and I simply want nothing more to do with you.
Xev, this is a brand new world.
I really think you should consider giving yourself a little time to indulge in some of its attractions, before departing for the great unknown.
Not interested! I'm off this planet as soon as possible - without you! Cheerie bye! Very well.
I will accept my little defeat with grace.
Now darling, when you see him come to the door, I'm looking for you to be a bit more demure, or stand-offish if you will.
Ankles are gonna be up around your ears in a minute, so let's try and build some anticipation in the audience.
Is that OK with you, kitten? I'm here, here I am.
What is that? I'm your new fluffer - - it's me! - What's your name, son? Ask her - she knows.
- Hi Lyekka! - Huff - is he talking to me? I've been dreaming about you non-stop for 4000 years.
He is talking to me - make him stop! Lyekka - hi Lyekka! You really our new fluffer? Oh yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Really.
Name's Hufferton.
Barnabas K Hufferton.
I am the proprietor of Huffertainment Enterprises.
You may of course know me from my political career but, you see me today as a man who has found his true calling.
My friends, they call me Huff, and that my friend, you may do.
Oh yeah yeah, um - well I'm Captain Stanley H Tweedle.
You can call me Stanley.
Well now, tell me Captain Stanley - how did you become a fluffer? Er - practice, yeah.
You know what, I'm the best there is and that's all there is to it.
Yeah you see - it can be unfluffy when I get it, but when it goes back out again its very fluffy - guaranteed.
FIFteen ninety five.
Fifteen NINEty five.
But how do you manage to be a fluffer, to earn a living, when the art of fluffery has always been exclusively a female domain? Oh, well, that's just being closed minded.
Yeah, you know, there's not a job anywhere a man like me can't do better than a woman, you know, well, except for actually being a woman - but even there, you know, I understand womens needs a lot better than a lot of women, because I think about women all the time.
I admire your spunk Stanley, I truly do.
Coming from a man in my profession, that means a lot.
So - down to business.
Dick - where are you, stud? Dick Dongler is on his way to being number one in the adult entertainment business.
He's provided onscreen enjoyment to more than a thousand fine ladies.
Well, halfway caught up to being me then - Dick, it would appear that our new fluffer has arrived in the form of this gentleman here.
Now I was just advising him that you might prefer to have someone of the more feminine persuasion.
S'OK.
I don't mind.
I hereby dub you "Fluff Daddy".
If we are marked to die, we are enough.
To do our country loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour! For he that sheds his blood with me today.
Shall be my brother! Be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And - gentlemen in England now abed, Shall think themselves accursed, they were not here.
Hold their voices with shame, when any speak.
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's Day! Deep Space 69, scene 18, take 9 - action! Your pizza ma'am.
Is it radiated? Fully radiated ma'am.
I like it - full.
Is there extra Mars meat? All the Mars meat you could ever want.
You're not kidding.
That'll be 59.
95 - er - zingbots.
I'll pay you after I have my slice.
I love my work, Fluff Daddy.
See, I was gifted in the political forum but I'm happy because here I come to work every day with a song in my heart - and a tingle in my trousers.
Ah! Lyekka, she's, she's not, she's not smooth around the bend.
She's - She's - not even close.
No what! You reek! Your skin smells like rotten fish.
Your breath - have you been drinking from the toilet? Get away from me, garbage man! Two minutes, everyone.
Hose off - gargle! Lyekka, you're not smooth around the bend, that's excellent, for both of us! Who is this idiot, and why does he keep trying to talk to me? Oh, you're just teasing me, right Lyekka? Stan, Stan the man, Stan - Huff, have this guy clubbed! Fluff Daddy - duty calls.
Go, immerse yourself in your craft.
Fluff like no fluffer has ever fluffed before.
You bet I will.
Dick Dongler, is it? Look, I was kind of bluffing before when I said that I was the new guy.
So just tell me, because this is my first time, OK - what exactly does a fluffer do? Whatever it takes to get me camera ready.
Oh.
OK.
I'm partial to wrist action.
And then we're gonna come down here, we're gonna push in on you on the bed - Whoa! - Something wrong, Fluff Daddy? - Don't call me that! You want me to go in there and do that - with that guy?! No way! Did you not claim expertise in your chosen field, Fluff Daddy? I said don't call me that! I was just pretending.
That's it.
Really I'm here on a mission from the First Lady of the White House herself.
The First Lady? Yeah, yeah - I'm here to rescue Lyekka and to take her to safety and I intend to do just that.
How, Fluff Daddy? Well, I'm just gonna go right here, I'm gonna take her, and, and don't you try to stop me, you, you - sick people! I certainly won't fluff Daddy.
Hurt him! Good luck on your next career, Fluff Daddy-o! Find anything interesting? Perhaps.
- Give me all your money.
- I have none.
I am not kidding! Neither am I.
Did you happen to see a woman here dressed a skin of the lizzard.
Possibly traveling quickly or roll like a wheel? Eh yeah.
Actually I did.
Do you know which direction did might it going? That way.
That way.
.
May be that way.
Thank you.
Hello, hello - Please hang up and try your call again.
No, no, you don't understand.
- I've gotta talk to the President.
- Please hang up and try your call again.
- Hello? - Hello, Stanley.
- Prince! - How are you, Stanley Tweedle? Well I'm not good Prince.
I'm in a bit of a bind, you gotta help me out.
Look, I'm sorry about trying to kill you down there in Miami, you know, Orlando, wherever it was you were.
It's nothing that I wouldn't have done myself.
Now - how may I be of assistance? Well look, look - I've found where Lyekka is, only they locked me out of the building that she's in, OK? Now look - it's called Huffertainment or something in Kennebunkport.
Yes yes, I see, Huffertainment, right.
Well - I think I may be able to help you, Stanley.
Oh - you're a pal Prince - you know, when you're not being completely evil, that is.
Thank you.
But first of all, let's talk about what's in it for me.
Well, I won't try to kill ya for one.
Appreciated - and you will also agree not to leave the planet until I am ready to depart, and become a guest on the Lexx.
OK, I agree, now will you just get me back with Lyekka? It's a pleasure doing business with you.
Freeze! Did you am - was duty! What's this? Barnabas Hufferton? That would be me.
You're under arrest.
- For what? - The illegal possession of Cuban cigars.
Strip search this man.
Do it, now! - Sign here please.
- huh? Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of Huffertainment.
He just signed it over to you.
Oh, good.
Lyekka - like I said, the First Lady sent me to rescue you.
All you gotta do, is get your memory back, and I intend to see that you do just that.
Fluff Daddy! Don't let them do this! You don't know what they'll do to me in prison! Guys, just take him away, he deserves it.
Oh Stanley.
I'm, I'm starting to remember now.
I'm so glad you found me! See?! - But I want him to stay with us.
- Why? He's a pig of a man - but a great director.
The world needs his art - please? For me? OK, just - - Stop! - Ow! - Ow! - Why are you doing this? The actor must understand pain.
I want you to understand pleasure as well.
Kai - you don't know this - but I'm a love slave, and we've known each other for thousands and thousands of years.
For all that time I've been trying to get you to want me - but you couldn't, because you were dead.
But now you're alive, and we're together.
I want you love me - right here, right now.
I am not above indulging in the pleasures of the flesh, but I have committed myself to remain celibate for the run of this show.
During this time every molecule of my essence must be funnelled towards the realisation of the theatrical art.
To allow it to be - spilled, in a frivolous manner is to allow weakness and failure.
Ow! How long does the show run? Two months.
Unless my grant is extended - then six months.
I'll wait.
Of course.
And now, I must retire.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
I've nowhere to go.
Can I stay here with you? Suit yourself.
Then, let's go to bed.
I'm sure we'll be very comfortable.
The actor does not need comfort.
Tell me everything again.
How you became captain of such a powerful ship - a ship that can blow up planets! Remember, the key? The key? It's alive, it lives inside me and only me.
Remember it got passed to me by a guy, at the point of his death.
- How? - I don't know.
It's mysterious, it's - Will it leave you when you die? That stands to reason, yeah, but you know - it can also be passed at the height, I mean the very extreme of sexual ecstasy 'cause that's kinda like a little death, hmm? I want to fly away on the Lexx with you, Stan - but before that, can I do one more thing? Oh sure, sure, yeah yeah yeah.
I want to realise a dream - a dream with you in it.
I want to make one last movie.
A never seen before mix of hard-core sex and hard-core politics, at the highest level of public office, and I want you to co-star with me in it.
OK, what is it, what's this dream? The Oval Orifice.
I want to shoot it in the White House - but I think this is impossible.
Oh, oh no - it's not.
I tell you, there is good men born at Monmouth.
Here comes his majesty.
I was not angry since I came to France.
Until this instant! Take a trumpet, herald; Ride thou unto the horseman on yon hill: If they will fight with us, bid them come down, Or void the field, for they do offend our sight.
Oh diable! Le jour est perdu! Le jour est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu! Let's bring on our star.
I play myself in this scene, of course.
No way pal, I'm the Commander in Chief in this scene.
- That's not fair! - Take it up with Prince! OK, it's fair.
Hey Huff, what are you waiting for? Yell "Action" or something, then Lyekka and I are gonna make mattress magic.
No! - I mean, yes, Stanley - but not in this scene.
I have something special in mind for you.
Well, this looks pretty special to me.
But Stanley - Mr President - - Mr President! - I mean for us to make mad love in your super secret space moth.
Oh, say that again - just, slowly.
- Super, secret, space, moth.
Oh yeah, I think that could be arranged.
Good.
Now, get out of my light! Action! That'll be fifteen ninety-five.
Now Fluff - Ah ah! - Stan - Captain Stan - - Um hm.
At this point, you and LooLoo have been chased out of the White House by transsexual terrorists, and you've run to this escape vessel here.
Now, you've only minutes to save yourselves - but, you start talking about how tasty some of those terrorists look, and the next thing you know you're all over each other.
Then Dick here, who's a pizza boy stowaway, he'll pop up in back and join in the fun.
Yeah, well it may take a while to get to that part.
And - action! Oh, oh yeah, OK, er So - what about those - Terrorists.
Terrorists? Who cares about them? I'm starting to remember now, Stan.
Everything.
The love between us, the passion - and I remember that we could never make love because I was smooth round the bend, but now - Woo, that was some kiss! Bingo! Oh now Lyekka - that key is not a toy, OK? You gotta give it back.
Hey - why don't I get the key back from you, by bringing you to the height of sexual ecstasy? - I don't think so.
- Huh? Huff and I are leaving this planet, and you are not invited.
You're a disgusting pathetic creep! The people have spoken, Fluff Daddy - and they have mandated that you plant a fat one on my ham hock! So - are we still shooting? - Stanley? - Prince? Um - bad news.
Look, Lyekka got the key from me, and she and that Huff guy stole the moth, and they're on their way to the Lexx.
- And? - And?! They're gonna leave the planet, on the Lexx! So, Stanley - no key, no Lexx.
Why should I care about you anymore? Don't say that! We got a deal, we're partners.
Look, we've just gotta come up with something fast.
Where are you, Stanley? I'm outside the White House, talking on your security guy's squawker.
Please put him on.
He wants to talk to you.
Yes sir? Code Dandelion.
Code Dandelion? Good, huh? Get this freaking piece of faecal matter out of here, and if he resists - strip search him! Lyekka! You're alive - like I care.
And who's your ugly friend? I'm the new captain of the Lexx.
Does that mean you killed Stanley Tweedle? - Oh happy day! - Where's the control centre? The pedestal behind you.
Say, while you're at it, why don't the two of you kill each other? Hello, captain.
Lexx - I want to blow up some planets.
As you command, captain.
Do whatever you want, but stay away from Kai! Excuse me, listen, listen, you gotta help me find a transmitter.
I've gotta talk Lyekka out of her plan to steal the Lexx, OK? Can you just to do what Yep Just Just Excuse me, I need a space transmitter, OK, 'cause if Lyekka steals the Lexx it's game over.
Listen, I just need an ordinary everyday transmitter, can you just - Lyekka.
- You planning on paying for that? - With what? - I'm taking you in.
- No no no no, you can't do that - look, I didn't know I was supposed to give you anything for it.
What do you say we just take it back inside, eh, and no harm done? No, no, look, look - I'm a security guard too, OK, or, you know, at least I was - hey, we're on the same team, so, er, what do you say you cut a break for a brother in the - I am not a thief! I'm the captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes! I could have blown up this planet anytime I wanted, you know, but I didn't, so I should get some points for that right there.
Look, anyway, the thing is, that we are all in big trouble.
Lyekka stole the key from me when we were having sex.
Now her and that, that, that, that, that - perverted! Boyfriend of hers are stealing the Lexx.
Now I don't know what they intend to do with it but believe me it is not gonna be for the good of this planet, so you gotta let me go.
I'm the only hope your planet has! We're agreed than? Full frontal lobotomy, first thing in the morning.
Lobotomy, what's that? It's when we scrape out part of the brain that's gone bad - which in your case, is a sizeable chunk.
But there is nothing wrong with me! I recommend castration - and surgical, not chemical, so it can't be reversed.
Hey! What you say? I know what that is, you're not gonna do that to me - come back here, you, you - In true English, I do love thee, Kate, though by that same honour, I dare not swear thou lovest me.
Hello Xev.
Kai! Kai.
Listen - strange things have been happening to me.
There were - people in here before.
And now, there's just this.
And I've been blacking out.
And when I wake up, someone is gone, and I feel really bad in my stomach.
The Cluster lizard part of your physiology is undergoing a version of its reproductive cycle.
What? A female Cluster lizard experiences a form of oestrus once every seven years.
During that period she becomes very - aggressive.
At the end of the cycle, she also eats her mate.
I have been observing you.
I saw you become a lizard, and devour those people.
And you didn't stop me?! - Why would I? - Because - because - of course you wouldn't.
But I don't believe you.
I'm not that much of a lizard, and I know my own body! I've found love with him - you, only alive.
I know it's going to be work - but nothing's going to get in the way.
I disagree.
- Where are you going? - To find Stanley.
We can meet you back here - after you have eaten your mate.
Don't you care about what happens to him? - No.
- Kai - what do you think about his - your - acting? The dead do not care about acting.
Woohoo! This is fun! We're gonna play a house.
You wanna be a mammy or a daddy? Mammy or daddy? Dad-d-d.
.
daddy? All rate, daddy.
Come to take the butt, mammy brought the lunch.
Kai? Oh, Kai.
What sort of room is this? It feels like a sort of cold storage - but for what? Make a great location.
Look at this.
Charming.
I'll say.
Do you think she might be amenable to a little space exploration? Let's find out.
Hi there.
Madam, my name is Barnabas K Hufferton.
My friends call me Huff, and you look like a friend to me.
What Huff is trying to say is that we think you're hot.
Have you ever been in a movie? I kill you in the name of His Divine Shadow.
Build more moths.
Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)
The question is - where do we go? I suggest you go several paces to your left until you fall off the bridge to your death.
What about you Kai, you got any constructive ideas? No - let me guess - the dead don't care where we go! The dead don't care where you go.
Hello? I'm looking for Stanley H Tweedle.
- Are you there? Hello? - Bunny? I want you.
I need you.
In my arms, in my bed, right now.
I made love to the wrong man in Newfoundland, and my hot body still aches for the real Stanley Tweedle.
Please come to the White House and make sweet love to me.
Well good, good Bunny, I'm glad we got that cleared up.
You know OK, that's it - we're going back to Earth, pronto! Are you sure you want to return to an alien infected Type 13 planet in its final stage? Well look, every planet has its flaws - besides, I'm gonna get you to come with me for protection.
Kai's not going anywhere.
He has a date - on my face.
I will accompany you if you wish, Stanley.
I wanna come too.
For what reason? No reason, I just want to.
Lexx - 4.
09 - Fluff Dady All right, come on! I may not be the first into the First Lady, but I bet I'll be the best.
I want to - take - a walk.
Perhaps I should join you.
Oh no no no, you promised to stick with me, remember? Hey Xev, you can take your walk later.
Xev! Xev is not well.
I will go after her.
- No way, you - - I will return, Stanley.
Enjoy your sexual encounter with the President's wife.
Yeah, I'll try! Oh, Bunny - are you trying to seduce me? 'Cause it's working.
Matter of fact, you're causing quite a commotion in my pants.
Let's just get it over with.
Woo - hee! This is gonna be special.
I'm only doing this because the President wishes me to.
I love the President so badly it hurts.
And I will do whatever the President wants.
Wherever he wants? Don't push it.
Oh that's good, that's good - that's delightful! Oh, come to daddy! Oh, so - are you ready to - tussle with the muscle? How? What? Who? Nah, screw him! Not's rate, literally screw him - send someone over to his house to do it, pants down, cross the coffee table, the whole nine yards, and I want pictures.
What? Who else? That guy, screw him too! Oh, I'm wiggly, I'm all wiggly.
No no no no! - It's not working for me.
- It's working fine on my end! In bed with the President, I'm a raging tiger - - Oh, sounds good.
- but with you, Stanley Tweedle - you do absolutely nothing for me, zero.
With you, I'm - a dead cat.
Oh, well, we'll just have to wake up that little pussy, idn't he gorgeous? Besides, you know your husband wants you to do this - you don't wanna make him mad, do you? No! It really, really hurts to do this.
But - I love him so much.
What's going on? I'm playing a sexy movie - - it might help me get in the mood.
- Well - whatever wakes up that cat.
Your pizza ma'am.
Is it - hot? Piping hot, ma'am.
I like it - hot.
Is there extra sausage? All the sausage you could ever want.
That's Lyekka! - You are not kidding.
- Who? - Lyekka! She's a friend of mine, she was with us on the Lexx.
That'll be 15.
95.
- I'll pay you after I have my slice.
- She was a plant.
Well, first she was a dream about this girl that I knew, then she was a plant, and then she was killed, - and then she was a dream again - - What? Well, it's a long story OK, but she - it's Lyekka! She's the only girl I ever felt special about in a real way.
- That's nice.
- And she felt special about me too, she told me so.
I thought she was gone forever, but there she is.
I gotta find her - that guy she's with? All wrong.
Where is that place? I get these from Prince.
It says here they come from Kennebunkport, Maine.
Lyekka - I'm coming.
Stan the man is gonna save you.
Oh, look - it makes its own sauce.
- Ail, pff.
- Mr.
Huffer.
- I'm here to see Lyekka.
- Who? - Her.
- It's a closed set.
Well that's OK, go ahead and open it, I'll wait.
A closed set means - no admittance.
Oh no no, you don't understand, you see - I've gotta see her and she's gotta see me - we gotta see each other, it's just the way it is, so, you know, just go and - Hey, I'm a security guard too right - well, at least I was, you know, so we're on the same team, huh? So what about cutting a break for a brother in the trade? Huh? Well, why didn't you say so? - Prince - Xev.
You're not looking very wel.
Well, I'm not feeling very well.
I don't know how I got here.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
- How did you find me? - One of my many special talents.
Right.
What do you want this time? Tell me Xev - how are you enjoying your stay on the Earth so far? So far, I hate this planet.
I don't know what made me decide to come back here.
As soon as I find Kai and Stanley we are leaving.
Oh, but there's still so much fun to be had, Xev.
Why don't you wait until we've made a spectacular mess of this planet, and then we can all go off together on the Lexx.
Sounds wonderful, but I'm ready to leave now.
You don't know how much fun you'd be missing, Xev.
Such suspicion.
Come on - I won't bite you.
I might bite you.
I gotta see Lyekka! I am haemorrhaging cash and I want that new fluffer in here now! I'm the new fluffer! - You? - Yeah, yeah! Best fluffer in the two universes, reporting for duty.
What would you say if I told you I could take you to the one man on this planet that you would be most interested to meet.
- Who? - Kai, the living Kai.
- I'd say that you were a liar.
- But I'm not.
You saw for yourself the legions of souls that were released from Fire and Water when those planets were destroyed.
Most, if not all those spirits, came here! And the living Kai is of course among them.
Perhaps a chance to meet with the living Kai, the real Kai, might persuade you to extend your stay with us a little longer, hmm? If it were possible, and I really wanted to - maybe.
Forget it.
I don't trust you.
I don't trust anything you say.
You're evil, and you're Prince, and I simply want nothing more to do with you.
Xev, this is a brand new world.
I really think you should consider giving yourself a little time to indulge in some of its attractions, before departing for the great unknown.
Not interested! I'm off this planet as soon as possible - without you! Cheerie bye! Very well.
I will accept my little defeat with grace.
Now darling, when you see him come to the door, I'm looking for you to be a bit more demure, or stand-offish if you will.
Ankles are gonna be up around your ears in a minute, so let's try and build some anticipation in the audience.
Is that OK with you, kitten? I'm here, here I am.
What is that? I'm your new fluffer - - it's me! - What's your name, son? Ask her - she knows.
- Hi Lyekka! - Huff - is he talking to me? I've been dreaming about you non-stop for 4000 years.
He is talking to me - make him stop! Lyekka - hi Lyekka! You really our new fluffer? Oh yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Really.
Name's Hufferton.
Barnabas K Hufferton.
I am the proprietor of Huffertainment Enterprises.
You may of course know me from my political career but, you see me today as a man who has found his true calling.
My friends, they call me Huff, and that my friend, you may do.
Oh yeah yeah, um - well I'm Captain Stanley H Tweedle.
You can call me Stanley.
Well now, tell me Captain Stanley - how did you become a fluffer? Er - practice, yeah.
You know what, I'm the best there is and that's all there is to it.
Yeah you see - it can be unfluffy when I get it, but when it goes back out again its very fluffy - guaranteed.
FIFteen ninety five.
Fifteen NINEty five.
But how do you manage to be a fluffer, to earn a living, when the art of fluffery has always been exclusively a female domain? Oh, well, that's just being closed minded.
Yeah, you know, there's not a job anywhere a man like me can't do better than a woman, you know, well, except for actually being a woman - but even there, you know, I understand womens needs a lot better than a lot of women, because I think about women all the time.
I admire your spunk Stanley, I truly do.
Coming from a man in my profession, that means a lot.
So - down to business.
Dick - where are you, stud? Dick Dongler is on his way to being number one in the adult entertainment business.
He's provided onscreen enjoyment to more than a thousand fine ladies.
Well, halfway caught up to being me then - Dick, it would appear that our new fluffer has arrived in the form of this gentleman here.
Now I was just advising him that you might prefer to have someone of the more feminine persuasion.
S'OK.
I don't mind.
I hereby dub you "Fluff Daddy".
If we are marked to die, we are enough.
To do our country loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour! For he that sheds his blood with me today.
Shall be my brother! Be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And - gentlemen in England now abed, Shall think themselves accursed, they were not here.
Hold their voices with shame, when any speak.
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's Day! Deep Space 69, scene 18, take 9 - action! Your pizza ma'am.
Is it radiated? Fully radiated ma'am.
I like it - full.
Is there extra Mars meat? All the Mars meat you could ever want.
You're not kidding.
That'll be 59.
95 - er - zingbots.
I'll pay you after I have my slice.
I love my work, Fluff Daddy.
See, I was gifted in the political forum but I'm happy because here I come to work every day with a song in my heart - and a tingle in my trousers.
Ah! Lyekka, she's, she's not, she's not smooth around the bend.
She's - She's - not even close.
No what! You reek! Your skin smells like rotten fish.
Your breath - have you been drinking from the toilet? Get away from me, garbage man! Two minutes, everyone.
Hose off - gargle! Lyekka, you're not smooth around the bend, that's excellent, for both of us! Who is this idiot, and why does he keep trying to talk to me? Oh, you're just teasing me, right Lyekka? Stan, Stan the man, Stan - Huff, have this guy clubbed! Fluff Daddy - duty calls.
Go, immerse yourself in your craft.
Fluff like no fluffer has ever fluffed before.
You bet I will.
Dick Dongler, is it? Look, I was kind of bluffing before when I said that I was the new guy.
So just tell me, because this is my first time, OK - what exactly does a fluffer do? Whatever it takes to get me camera ready.
Oh.
OK.
I'm partial to wrist action.
And then we're gonna come down here, we're gonna push in on you on the bed - Whoa! - Something wrong, Fluff Daddy? - Don't call me that! You want me to go in there and do that - with that guy?! No way! Did you not claim expertise in your chosen field, Fluff Daddy? I said don't call me that! I was just pretending.
That's it.
Really I'm here on a mission from the First Lady of the White House herself.
The First Lady? Yeah, yeah - I'm here to rescue Lyekka and to take her to safety and I intend to do just that.
How, Fluff Daddy? Well, I'm just gonna go right here, I'm gonna take her, and, and don't you try to stop me, you, you - sick people! I certainly won't fluff Daddy.
Hurt him! Good luck on your next career, Fluff Daddy-o! Find anything interesting? Perhaps.
- Give me all your money.
- I have none.
I am not kidding! Neither am I.
Did you happen to see a woman here dressed a skin of the lizzard.
Possibly traveling quickly or roll like a wheel? Eh yeah.
Actually I did.
Do you know which direction did might it going? That way.
That way.
.
May be that way.
Thank you.
Hello, hello - Please hang up and try your call again.
No, no, you don't understand.
- I've gotta talk to the President.
- Please hang up and try your call again.
- Hello? - Hello, Stanley.
- Prince! - How are you, Stanley Tweedle? Well I'm not good Prince.
I'm in a bit of a bind, you gotta help me out.
Look, I'm sorry about trying to kill you down there in Miami, you know, Orlando, wherever it was you were.
It's nothing that I wouldn't have done myself.
Now - how may I be of assistance? Well look, look - I've found where Lyekka is, only they locked me out of the building that she's in, OK? Now look - it's called Huffertainment or something in Kennebunkport.
Yes yes, I see, Huffertainment, right.
Well - I think I may be able to help you, Stanley.
Oh - you're a pal Prince - you know, when you're not being completely evil, that is.
Thank you.
But first of all, let's talk about what's in it for me.
Well, I won't try to kill ya for one.
Appreciated - and you will also agree not to leave the planet until I am ready to depart, and become a guest on the Lexx.
OK, I agree, now will you just get me back with Lyekka? It's a pleasure doing business with you.
Freeze! Did you am - was duty! What's this? Barnabas Hufferton? That would be me.
You're under arrest.
- For what? - The illegal possession of Cuban cigars.
Strip search this man.
Do it, now! - Sign here please.
- huh? Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of Huffertainment.
He just signed it over to you.
Oh, good.
Lyekka - like I said, the First Lady sent me to rescue you.
All you gotta do, is get your memory back, and I intend to see that you do just that.
Fluff Daddy! Don't let them do this! You don't know what they'll do to me in prison! Guys, just take him away, he deserves it.
Oh Stanley.
I'm, I'm starting to remember now.
I'm so glad you found me! See?! - But I want him to stay with us.
- Why? He's a pig of a man - but a great director.
The world needs his art - please? For me? OK, just - - Stop! - Ow! - Ow! - Why are you doing this? The actor must understand pain.
I want you to understand pleasure as well.
Kai - you don't know this - but I'm a love slave, and we've known each other for thousands and thousands of years.
For all that time I've been trying to get you to want me - but you couldn't, because you were dead.
But now you're alive, and we're together.
I want you love me - right here, right now.
I am not above indulging in the pleasures of the flesh, but I have committed myself to remain celibate for the run of this show.
During this time every molecule of my essence must be funnelled towards the realisation of the theatrical art.
To allow it to be - spilled, in a frivolous manner is to allow weakness and failure.
Ow! How long does the show run? Two months.
Unless my grant is extended - then six months.
I'll wait.
Of course.
And now, I must retire.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
I've nowhere to go.
Can I stay here with you? Suit yourself.
Then, let's go to bed.
I'm sure we'll be very comfortable.
The actor does not need comfort.
Tell me everything again.
How you became captain of such a powerful ship - a ship that can blow up planets! Remember, the key? The key? It's alive, it lives inside me and only me.
Remember it got passed to me by a guy, at the point of his death.
- How? - I don't know.
It's mysterious, it's - Will it leave you when you die? That stands to reason, yeah, but you know - it can also be passed at the height, I mean the very extreme of sexual ecstasy 'cause that's kinda like a little death, hmm? I want to fly away on the Lexx with you, Stan - but before that, can I do one more thing? Oh sure, sure, yeah yeah yeah.
I want to realise a dream - a dream with you in it.
I want to make one last movie.
A never seen before mix of hard-core sex and hard-core politics, at the highest level of public office, and I want you to co-star with me in it.
OK, what is it, what's this dream? The Oval Orifice.
I want to shoot it in the White House - but I think this is impossible.
Oh, oh no - it's not.
I tell you, there is good men born at Monmouth.
Here comes his majesty.
I was not angry since I came to France.
Until this instant! Take a trumpet, herald; Ride thou unto the horseman on yon hill: If they will fight with us, bid them come down, Or void the field, for they do offend our sight.
Oh diable! Le jour est perdu! Le jour est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu! Let's bring on our star.
I play myself in this scene, of course.
No way pal, I'm the Commander in Chief in this scene.
- That's not fair! - Take it up with Prince! OK, it's fair.
Hey Huff, what are you waiting for? Yell "Action" or something, then Lyekka and I are gonna make mattress magic.
No! - I mean, yes, Stanley - but not in this scene.
I have something special in mind for you.
Well, this looks pretty special to me.
But Stanley - Mr President - - Mr President! - I mean for us to make mad love in your super secret space moth.
Oh, say that again - just, slowly.
- Super, secret, space, moth.
Oh yeah, I think that could be arranged.
Good.
Now, get out of my light! Action! That'll be fifteen ninety-five.
Now Fluff - Ah ah! - Stan - Captain Stan - - Um hm.
At this point, you and LooLoo have been chased out of the White House by transsexual terrorists, and you've run to this escape vessel here.
Now, you've only minutes to save yourselves - but, you start talking about how tasty some of those terrorists look, and the next thing you know you're all over each other.
Then Dick here, who's a pizza boy stowaway, he'll pop up in back and join in the fun.
Yeah, well it may take a while to get to that part.
And - action! Oh, oh yeah, OK, er So - what about those - Terrorists.
Terrorists? Who cares about them? I'm starting to remember now, Stan.
Everything.
The love between us, the passion - and I remember that we could never make love because I was smooth round the bend, but now - Woo, that was some kiss! Bingo! Oh now Lyekka - that key is not a toy, OK? You gotta give it back.
Hey - why don't I get the key back from you, by bringing you to the height of sexual ecstasy? - I don't think so.
- Huh? Huff and I are leaving this planet, and you are not invited.
You're a disgusting pathetic creep! The people have spoken, Fluff Daddy - and they have mandated that you plant a fat one on my ham hock! So - are we still shooting? - Stanley? - Prince? Um - bad news.
Look, Lyekka got the key from me, and she and that Huff guy stole the moth, and they're on their way to the Lexx.
- And? - And?! They're gonna leave the planet, on the Lexx! So, Stanley - no key, no Lexx.
Why should I care about you anymore? Don't say that! We got a deal, we're partners.
Look, we've just gotta come up with something fast.
Where are you, Stanley? I'm outside the White House, talking on your security guy's squawker.
Please put him on.
He wants to talk to you.
Yes sir? Code Dandelion.
Code Dandelion? Good, huh? Get this freaking piece of faecal matter out of here, and if he resists - strip search him! Lyekka! You're alive - like I care.
And who's your ugly friend? I'm the new captain of the Lexx.
Does that mean you killed Stanley Tweedle? - Oh happy day! - Where's the control centre? The pedestal behind you.
Say, while you're at it, why don't the two of you kill each other? Hello, captain.
Lexx - I want to blow up some planets.
As you command, captain.
Do whatever you want, but stay away from Kai! Excuse me, listen, listen, you gotta help me find a transmitter.
I've gotta talk Lyekka out of her plan to steal the Lexx, OK? Can you just to do what Yep Just Just Excuse me, I need a space transmitter, OK, 'cause if Lyekka steals the Lexx it's game over.
Listen, I just need an ordinary everyday transmitter, can you just - Lyekka.
- You planning on paying for that? - With what? - I'm taking you in.
- No no no no, you can't do that - look, I didn't know I was supposed to give you anything for it.
What do you say we just take it back inside, eh, and no harm done? No, no, look, look - I'm a security guard too, OK, or, you know, at least I was - hey, we're on the same team, so, er, what do you say you cut a break for a brother in the - I am not a thief! I'm the captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes! I could have blown up this planet anytime I wanted, you know, but I didn't, so I should get some points for that right there.
Look, anyway, the thing is, that we are all in big trouble.
Lyekka stole the key from me when we were having sex.
Now her and that, that, that, that, that - perverted! Boyfriend of hers are stealing the Lexx.
Now I don't know what they intend to do with it but believe me it is not gonna be for the good of this planet, so you gotta let me go.
I'm the only hope your planet has! We're agreed than? Full frontal lobotomy, first thing in the morning.
Lobotomy, what's that? It's when we scrape out part of the brain that's gone bad - which in your case, is a sizeable chunk.
But there is nothing wrong with me! I recommend castration - and surgical, not chemical, so it can't be reversed.
Hey! What you say? I know what that is, you're not gonna do that to me - come back here, you, you - In true English, I do love thee, Kate, though by that same honour, I dare not swear thou lovest me.
Hello Xev.
Kai! Kai.
Listen - strange things have been happening to me.
There were - people in here before.
And now, there's just this.
And I've been blacking out.
And when I wake up, someone is gone, and I feel really bad in my stomach.
The Cluster lizard part of your physiology is undergoing a version of its reproductive cycle.
What? A female Cluster lizard experiences a form of oestrus once every seven years.
During that period she becomes very - aggressive.
At the end of the cycle, she also eats her mate.
I have been observing you.
I saw you become a lizard, and devour those people.
And you didn't stop me?! - Why would I? - Because - because - of course you wouldn't.
But I don't believe you.
I'm not that much of a lizard, and I know my own body! I've found love with him - you, only alive.
I know it's going to be work - but nothing's going to get in the way.
I disagree.
- Where are you going? - To find Stanley.
We can meet you back here - after you have eaten your mate.
Don't you care about what happens to him? - No.
- Kai - what do you think about his - your - acting? The dead do not care about acting.
Woohoo! This is fun! We're gonna play a house.
You wanna be a mammy or a daddy? Mammy or daddy? Dad-d-d.
.
daddy? All rate, daddy.
Come to take the butt, mammy brought the lunch.
Kai? Oh, Kai.
What sort of room is this? It feels like a sort of cold storage - but for what? Make a great location.
Look at this.
Charming.
I'll say.
Do you think she might be amenable to a little space exploration? Let's find out.
Hi there.
Madam, my name is Barnabas K Hufferton.
My friends call me Huff, and you look like a friend to me.
What Huff is trying to say is that we think you're hot.
Have you ever been in a movie? I kill you in the name of His Divine Shadow.
Build more moths.
Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)