Life Unexpected (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

Previously on life unexpected: You and someone had a kid.
You gave up that kid.
I am that kid, and now I'm applying for emancipation.
Cate Cassidy, that's your mom.
Cate Cassidy was pregnant in high school? Yes.
Cate and I are back from our honeymoon.
And we did not return empty-handed.
We'd like to introduce the latest addition to "morning madness, " Kelly Campbell.
I am not granting you emancipation.
I'm releasing you back into their temporary joint custody.
What happened? She hit me in the head with a golf ball! Accidentally! I know you slept with Baze, and I know you burned down his bar.
I want you gone.
We need a roommate; you need a room.
That family wants me.
They're three hours away.
Wait, what? They said I didn't have a choice.
I needed this.
You've met Mr.
Daniels.
You're a teacher.
Your daughter is failing out of Westmonte.
Eric? I'm your new tutor.
If you're feeling the chill, get ready to heat things up with Ryan and Kelly, next, on morning madness.
Hey! There you are.
Come on.
Hey! We're on in two.
Oh, you are not going to start the show with bagel mouth sounds.
Okay.
Just out of curiosity, how long you going to keep this up? Keep what up? This whole type-a producer "hey, no bagels" thing.
Until corporate forgets that I was high on my first day and they see me as a consummate professional.
So it's gonna be a while, then? Today's show outline.
So you smooth things over with Kelly yet? You know, for the whole golf ball to the head and stuff? We're professionals.
I'm sure she's over it.
Morning, everyone.
Lovely to see you, Ryan Don Jesus.
So, what do we have here? Ten best places to make out.
That's a bit trite, don't you think? We both have a job to do here, Kelly.
Why don't you just do your job, and I will do mine.
Let's stick to the outline! It's the morning minus the madness with Ryan Thomas and Kelly Campbell.
Hey, Portland! It's morning madness with Kelly and Ryan.
Now today, we are talking about the best places to make out in Portland.
Ooh.
Ooh.
I'll tell you what, Kelly, I'm gonna start it off with my favorite spot: Forest park.
Lots of shady areas, and, uh, well, it's definitely low on creeps with big overcoats.
Uh, Kelly, what do you think? Actually, I want to talk about something that has more relevance to people's relationships than where to kiss.
For example, compatibility.
I wrote a whole chapter about it in my best-selling book, you can't have it all, available online or anywhere books are sold.
Hey! Hey.
This sugar-loaded crap is not the breakfast of a winner.
And mud is? Uh, this is a high-protein shake.
We've got our first game coming up.
We gotta be in top shape.
Look, Math, I don't want to overstep as assistant coach.
However, I took the liberty of adapting some plays from the u-conn women.
They're on a 78-game winning streak.
Well, the jv girls' basketball team lost every game last season.
Let's have realistic expectations.
Hey.
This is Lux's first game, all right? I want this to be a positive, winning experience.
I did not take time off work to coach a bunch of losers with "realistic expectations.
" It's time for a new attitude.
You're right.
I'm sure all they need is a new attitude.
S'up, roomies? S'up? When are you gonna do it? Do what? Sack up and ask her out? I don't know.
It's awkward.
One, we live together.
And two, you already hooked up with her.
Look, one, who cares? And two, I was so drunk I barely remember it.
Come on.
Enough with the deflecting negative-speak.
You're the one always telling me to never give up.
This is the week that losers become winners.
Who said I was a loser? Hey.
Our team is gonna win, and you are gonna ask Paige out.
Mmm.
Tastes like victory.
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, ladies.
And that's why I suggest that you take the 27-point compatibility questionnaire that's in my book.
Ryan, this is radio death.
Get the fake virgin to stop Hawking her book, and start talking about something sexy, like sex.
Uh, Kelly, let me, let me interrupt you for a second here.
Don't you think this questionnaire is just a little a little clinical? Clinical? Yeah, clinical.
I mean, what about- what about chemistry? Romance? And hey sex.
Sex is in the questionnaire, Ryan.
How often, how varied whoa, whoa.
Come on, we are talking about doing it, here.
We're not talking about uh, an oil change.
Well, you may mock, but these clinical details are a source of contention for many couples.
Do you and your wife not have differences when it comes to "changing your oil," Ryan? Okay, I'm a big fan of, uh, frequent servicing.
You know, I like trying lots of different locations.
Uh-huh, but let me guess: Your wife thinks one time and she's good for another few thousand miles? Or is Cate more like an oldsmobile? Hard to get started on a cold morning? Lux, you've been staring at that practice test for ten minutes.
The idea of a practice test is to actually practice.
This is awkward.
You tutoring me? As I recall, we've had more awkward moments than this.
Seriously, this- this tutoring thing, it's, it's not gonna help.
Okay, yes, it makes sense when you explain it, but as soon as I see the test, I go blank.
Okay.
So that blank feeling does it feel like nerves? Pressure? It feels more like blank.
Did it start at Westmonte? Or maybe back at Longfellow? What? Did you read my file? A lot of learning issues are psychological, so it helps to look at a student's past to shed light on their problems.
Problems? I didn't know that you were in foster care.
That could explain a lot.
Have you ever missed a lot of school? Actually yeah.
It was this, um, this one time I was in a car accident.
And I broke my leg and dislocated my shoulder.
And there was this, this woman, a nurse, she was taking care of me.
She was nice, and seemed like she liked me.
But then then it got creepy.
Like she was crazy or something.
Seriously? Yeah.
Yeah, she started keeping me home from school, and nobody knew where I was.
She told me to write these stories.
And she said that she was my number one fan.
That's the plot of misery.
That's messed up.
Yes, but you bought it.
Okay, look, Eric Give it up.
There is no deep, dark secret that explains why I suck at school.
Oh, my God! Tasha? Wh-when did you get here? Surprise! Surprise.
I'm back.
For good.
* Bent or broken, it's the family tree * * Each branch a part of a part of me * * This is my tree, and it's a beautiful tree.
* Hola! Come pina para un viaje de burro.
I can't even believe this.
What, what happened to Redman, and being three hours away? I bailed.
Couldn't take it.
I was gonna come beg you to beg Cate to let me move in, but fern, she was a freakin' rock star.
She found me a place, with this couple, and it sucks.
But whatever, and she got me into this school.
What? You're kidding! I know.
I-I was gonna tell you, but I didn't want to jinx it until it was all for sure, so.
Oh, my God, we have so much to catch up on, but Baze will kill me if I'm late, so Basketball.
Don't even.
Oh, yes This I gotta see.
All right.
Oh! Come on! Hey, what are you feelin' for lunch? I cannot believe that you took her side.
Mm.
Retribution on wheat, my fave.
Look, I didn't take her side, all right? We were on air, and I had to go with it.
She has a serious problem with female authority.
Or with you calling her an uptight hag with plastic boobies that no one wants to have sex with, on air.
Okay, I got it! Everything is my fault.
How about you use your awesome deductive powers and you help me fix it? All right, um Well, you could do what Alice did with you.
Just ask her out, pump her full of vodka, and kiss her ass until she does what she's told.
I cannot believe that I have to cater to this.
I mean, her book is ridiculous.
We do not need a questionnaire to know how compatible we are.
Right? Question 14, finance: Do you prefer separate or joint checking accounts? Separate.
Joint.
Question 17: Religion.
What are your spiritual beliefs? Easy; we don't have any.
I'm episcopalian.
This book is stupid.
Look I don't care if you have, like, a secret account in the Caymans or you pray to Elvis, as long as Ooh, we agree to question number one: Do you see yourself in a long-term relationship? Only with Elvis.
And, let's see, question number seven: How many kids do you want? That is a no-brainer: Six.
One? Including Lux? Yeah, funny.
You know, I just saw Kelly.
I am gonna take your advice, and I'm going to ask her on a date! Okay, okay Let's go, let's go, let's go, move it! Lateral motion, lateral motion.
Move to the side.
Down the line, down the line.
Take a lay-up! There we go.
Okay, we'll get the next one, we'll get the next one, okay.
Let's move, Lux.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Chest pass, chest pass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the way Whoa! Rose, rose, rose! It's a basketball, it's not a javelin.
I'm sorry! Let's not knock Tasha out her first day of school.
Oh, my gosh.
Sorry.
Sheesh.
All right, you know what, everybody, huddle up! Come on, huddle up.
Math: All right.
Let's do this.
You don't mind, right? Be my guest.
Come on, girls.
Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Bring it in, bring it in.
Okay.
Tomorrow we are going into our first game against the maplewood marmots.
And I know what you're thinking.
They beat you last year in what some might call a massacre.
I didn't think it was really that bad.
That's a great attitude.
But seriously, what is the one thing that we need to win this game tomorrow? To be taller? It never hurts.
Hand-eye coordination? That would help.
An exchange program with an urban school? Bingo.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
No.
What we need is a winner's attitude.
Now look, I may not know much, but I know this: I know sports.
And I know that you guys can do this.
You're a winner.
You're a winner.
You are a winner.
You are all winners.
So get out there and practice like the winners that you are! Come on! Come on, wasps! Come on, ladies! Lux, look alive.
That was really beautiful.
Thank you.
We're still gonna lose.
Not necessarily, you know.
All we need is a game-changer.
All we need is That.
Mother of God.
You got an extra Jersey? I can't believe Baze put me on the team.
Oh, please.
Did you see his face when you sunk that three-pointer? The only time I've ever seen him that emotional was when we were watching Christian the lion.
Yeah, I know.
It's bad.
You live here? You don't have to make me feel bad about it.
We've had worse.
Do you remember that home you had in, like, park rose, where they raised rabbits for meat? Finally, you're home.
Do you wanna come in? Hang a little? Um.
Uh, no, no, I can't, I actually, I I have this practice test that I'm supposed to take before tomorrow, but, um You know what? I will just see you at school.
Okay? Hey.
I am so glad that you were able to make it.
Where's Ryan? I thought this was a work-drinks thing.
Um, yeah, you know, I thought that it could be just us girls.
You know, really just give us an opportunity to get to know each other and, I don't know, uh, relax You almost shattered my skull with a golf ball.
I don't find your presence very relaxing.
How 'bout drinks all night on me? What the hell? I already paid the valet.
Fantastic.
Uh, can we get two champagne cocktails, please? Thanks, and keep them coming.
Tasha's like a, like a little spider monkey on the court.
Look at this shot, though.
Man, even even rose, the pink, pink wasp she's not so bad.
I can't believe it.
What you said to the team? It actually took.
I mean, they were hustling out there today! Between that and Tasha? Who knows? It's winner's attitude, man.
Are you feeling it now? I am 100% on board.
Then prove it.
Come on.
Get in there! Hey, Paige.
S'up? Any, uh, interest in, um, getting something to eat? Sure.
I could eat.
I'm starving.
Wait, you you mean right now? That cool? Yes! Totally cool.
Absolutely.
If it were any more cool It-it would be less cool.
Okay.
Cool.
See ya! You got this, buddy.
You know, if you'd told me this morning that I'd be having a lovely evening with Cate Cassidy I would've told you you were a lying crackhead.
I can't explain it.
I just feel so warm and connected to you.
Mmm I never drink.
Can we get two more, please? Anyway, I'm sorry I was such a bitch.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I was a bitch, okay? You're not this radio meat puppet that has to do whatever I say.
No? You know what the people want.
I'm emotionally remote, and people think I'm dead inside.
No, you're not listening to me, okay? You're this smart, amazing, educated woman.
I mean, look, you-you That whole 29-point thing you came up with? That is amazing.
Okay, well, whatever.
I-I took your test.
You know, and it It turns out that Ryan and I, we, we do not agree on major issues.
Like what? Uh, like-like finances.
And kids, you know? Ryan? He wants a pile and Surprise, I don't want any.
So, how'd you work through that? The point is That through taking your test I just realized and as much as I don't even really want to admit this you do know what you're talking about.
You know, I-I I've never had many girlfriends.
Most women find me judgmental and prissy.
We are friends, right? Absolutely.
You know, and as friends, we really should just work better together.
I'm-I'm going to be more open to your ideas, and you could, you know, just stick to the outline, as a favor to me.
Your friend.
You've got it, girlfriend.
Mmm.
I have to use the little virgins' room.
Okay.
We're going to need a cab.
I think I'm gonna hurl.
Two cabs.
Yeah.
Wow.
These stairs are hard sober.
What are you still doing up? Couldn't sleep.
Why? What? Are you okay? What happened? Yeah.
It's nothing.
It doesn't look like nothing.
It's It's Tasha.
I saw her new foster home.
And what? Is it not going to last? Is it bad? What is it? I don't want her there, but if it doesn't work out, she's gone.
Another three hours away, or-or worse.
All right, well, Lux, look, you know, if-if she gets stuck, or if she can't take it, you know, or if she gets kicked out, we will Figure something out.
Figure something out, like how? Like Maybe maybe she could live here? Yeah, you know, I mean, if it if it came to that.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Saving you.
We're getting you kicked out.
Are you crazy? No.
Where am I going to go? Cate promised me last night that if you were ever in a jam, she'd take you in.
Let's put me in a jam.
Good morning, compatriots.
Cate, you look lovely today.
Um, I brought you a salmon bagel.
Um, this is the Outline for today's show.
Looking forward to it.
Hey, Portland.
You're joining the madness with Ryan and Kelly.
Today's topic is make-up sex.
Is it worth the arguing? Okay, so Kelly, uh, making love to make peace? Yea or nay? Definite yea, but sex is not a solution for weightier issues.
Well, maybe not for you since you're not getting any, but for the rest of us so, really? You're telling me that you think that sex could solve all of your problems with Cate? Yes.
What about finances? Yeah.
What about your family? Well, okay, look.
I-I defy you to name a problem with my marriage that sex can't fix.
What about not wanting kids? That's a big issue.
You want a litter, and Cate said, without a doubt, that she doesn't want Any.
Hey, hey.
You have a good night? Oh, not just good.
It was amazing.
Paige is amazing.
Want to know the moment I knew she was amazing? Uh, when she did a shot without using her hands? When she ordered the Halibut and asked if I knew it was sustainable.
Not where I thought you were going with that.
Not only is she beautiful and funny and smells like candy, she's ecologically conscious.
And that's not even the best part.
Guess what happened afterwards.
You guys talked about renewable energy? We kissed.
That's what I'm talking about.
Math.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even asked her out.
You are so right about having a winner's attitude.
Tonight's game? We are kicking ass and taking names.
Boom.
I love it.
I love it.
Don't forget your smoothie.
Thank you, sir.
Have a good day.
Look at that guy.
Psst.
Is he gone? What are you What are you doing? Why are you always half naked? Well, I was in the bathroom, and I came out, and I saw Math so I ducked back in.
I've been trapped in there all morning.
I thought last night was amazing.
It was a disaster.
Ugh.
He talked about breadsticks for 20 minutes.
He-he likes breadsticks.
I had to kiss him just to end the date.
Why did? You didn't have to kiss him, Paige.
You gave him the wrong idea.
Uh, no.
You are the one that told him to ask me out.
So if anyone gave him the wrong idea, it was you.
No.
No, this is not my problem.
If you're not into the guy, you got to tell him And very gently.
He is a delicate flower.
I am a virgo, okay? We are not good at awkward conversations.
Maybe you could talk to him? Yes, yes, yes.
Because that way, you know, it wouldn't be all weird around here.
Or at the game later today.
You-you're going to Lux's game? With Ryan.
Sporting events are great places to meet guys.
Ryan? God.
Okay? You just stormed out of there.
Would you please just give me a chance to explain? Explain what? Huh? That you're telling a co-worker something you haven't told me yet? Or that you don't want kids? All right, look.
It shouldn't have come out like that.
You know, Kelly, she shouldn't have said anything.
Oh, okay.
So now it's Kelly's fault? Do you want to take any responsibility for anything? Like these papers? Fern was dropping them off when I pulled up.
Apparently, Tasha got kicked out of her foster home this morning and you agreed to take her in? Without asking me.
No We Lux and I- we talked about it.
Mm-hmm? Apparently you did a little more than that, because fern thinks it's a done deal.
Ryan, I had had an entire bottle of champagne.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
So now it's the champagne's fault? I told her that I would take Tasha in if where she was living didn't work out.
I never I never even thought that she was going to get, you know, kicked out.
You know, did it ever occur to you that I may not want to take Tasha in? Huh? You know, you're so used to getting your way.
I forgave you for Baze.
I mean, I-I-I was willing to rush our own wedding because that's what you wanted.
I mean, hell, I-I even looked the other way when Baze tried to bum-rush our vows.
We are married now, Cate.
You can't just make these life-altering decisions and then go discuss them with someone else before telling me.
I mean, you ever think that the next kid that comes in this house I might want to be mine? I want kids, Cate.
We already have a kid.
Lux isn't my kid.
You know what? This is actually, um It's actually very simple.
You either want to have a kid with me or you don't.
And if you don't, then I-I-I don't know why we got married in the first place.
That's all right, girls.
Let's be strong on "d.
" You got this.
Come on.
Let's go, wasps.
Give 'em Misery.
Okay, come on.
You got it.
You got it.
All right, girls.
Let's be strong on "d.
" You got this.
Two points, marmots.
Let's go, Tash.
Let's do this.
Hey.
Talk to Cate? We're set, right? Cause fern went to get all my stuff Tasha! Yeah.
Let's go.
Two more points for the marmots.
Yes! I told her about the game, and she's here.
That means something, right? I don't think you should keep pursuing Paige, because Because why? Because I might still be into her.
What? Yeah, you know.
I mean, I did I did I did get there first, so There's no dibs in dating.
You can't call takebacks or shotgun.
Come on.
Pass, pass, pass, pass.
Rose! Rose! Come on, rose! I'm sorry.
God.
I can't believe you.
She had a clear shot! You're jealous.
What? You had a cheap one-night stand with Paige, and now that you see she and I might have something special, you can't take it.
I promise you, that is not it.
You're so used to being the guy in high school who gets all the girls and calls all the shots.
Hell, you won't even let me coach my own team.
You always have to be the star, don't you? Well, not tonight.
Tonight, I get the girl, and I call the shots.
Time.
Sub.
Tasha, you're on the bench.
Hey, so we're all good, right? With Cate? Lux, get in there.
Ryan: Okay, Lux.
Come on.
We got this.
All right! All right, wasps! Let's get it.
Oh! Hey! Good shot.
Good shot, Lux.
Can we talk? I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Well, I wasn't going to miss Lux's first game.
Even though she's not your kid? I'm sorry it came out like that.
I'm the one that should be sorry.
Because I've been secretly afraid that what we want it might not be compatible.
You know, when Lux came around, I just assumed that she would be our kid.
That that would be enough.
Cate, it's not that Lux isn't enough.
No matter how close she and I get, I'm the guy on the outside.
I'm never going to be the dad that-that gets invited to career day.
Or-or gets to give her away at her wedding.
I'm the guy sitting up in the nosebleed section, just watching.
Cate, if I could be that guy to Lux, I would be.
But she's got Baze.
And I see what they have.
I see what you all have.
That's all I want.
Just to have that, too.
You know, the first time I got pregnant, it wasn't the best experience.
I was really scared.
And I was alone, so I was just doing Cate, Cate, Cate.
You're not alone this time.
I know that I'm not.
I know I'm not.
I do.
I want kids.
I just it's taking me a little while to come around, and I just don't want to lose you, Ryan.
I don't.
Look, I don't know what getting pregnant is going to be like.
I don't even know if I can.
Cate, I just want to try.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, then let's do that.
Let's try.
Sub! I think I broke my butt.
I don't think you broke your butt.
Get in, Tasha.
Tasha, get in.
No! Rose, you're up.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
Hold on.
Look at the score.
We need someone who can actually drive the ball.
I'm calling the shots, remember? Rose, get in there now.
Can you focus on the game? For the sake of the team? You don't give a crap about the team.
All you care about is winning.
And somehow thinking you're a winner and I'm a loser makes you feel better.
I don't think that you're a loser, Math.
It's Paige, okay? It isn't me.
She is not interested in you.
Right.
She kissed me because she's not interested.
She kissed you to end the date.
That's what she told me.
Math.
Math.
You're taking this really hard.
She was out of his league.
Tash That's not what this is about.
You can't come to live at Cate's.
What? They said no.
Ryan.
Ryan said no.
I'm so sorry.
Tash Lux, I need your cell phone.
I'm gonna call Valerie and beg her to take me back.
No, Tash, you can't.
We have to tell her that the spray paint was your idea, okay? Otherwise, she'll never, ever say yes.
Everyone, come here.
Hey, I'm sorry for acting so unprofessionally out there.
And, um Well, I'm really sorry about lying to you about our chances.
You know, I guess I guess I didn't think you guys could deal with the truth.
And the truth is Well, Tricia? You're not gonna lose the weight by homecoming.
It's physically impossible.
And Math Paige isn't interested in you.
I'm sorry.
And if it makes you feel any better, she's not interested in me, either.
And team? We're just not good.
But none of that means that you guys should give up.
Because Tricia, you are going to lose that weight by prom.
And Math, you are going to find a girl who is interested in you.
And team? We are going to keep trying, because even if there was a 99% chance of us losing, that's what winning is, all right? It's not what is on the scoreboard at the end of this game.
Winning is knowing that we have each other's backs and that we are going to take care of each other.
On the court And off.
So, ladies, what I would like you to do is get your game on.
And I want you to go out there.
And I want you to give these marmots a run for their money! Hey, um, Tash? Yeah? Uh I lived with Valerie.
Okay? I-I know I should have told you right away.
I was 12 or-or 13.
It was when you went back with your mom, and we weren't really talking much.
And Valerie She doesn't have a maternal bone in her body.
And being at that house might seem okay right now, but it gets bad.
Fast.
Bad how? Okay.
Forget it.
You don't You don't have to explain.
If you don't want me there, I'm gone, okay? Yeah, but I don't I don't want them to send you away.
I mean, I just got you back.
I'll-I'll find a way to stay, okay? I'm not going anywhere.
Winner's attitude, right? All right, ladies.
Let's get it up for the second half.
I want hooting.
I want hollering.
And let's take it to these marmots! Let's go, guys.
Let's go.
There you go! Get that ball.
Set the pick! Good, good, rose.
It's good! Three points, wasps.
Final score, 53 to three, marmots.
There's something called independent living, which I know both you and Lux are familiar with.
Yeah.
Of course.
You said that wouldn't work for me.
Well, it was my opinion that there wasn't anyone qualified or dedicated enough to supervise you Until now.
It'll have to be made official by a judge tomorrow, but Cate and Ryan have received verbal approval from the state to fill that role.
Are you kidding me? I'm going to have my own place? We're going to find you an apartment nearby.
You'll get a stipend for housing and food, which should be plenty, if you manage your money well.
But Cate and Ryan can co-sign your lease, they can be your emergency contact, and they can help with utilities, a cell phone Yeah.
We're here for you.
I mean, whatever you need.
I can't believe you guys would do that for me.
I can.
Thanks again, fern.
Oh, you're welcome.
It is great to see you doing so well.
Well, it seems that Cate's house is in much better shape than Valerie's.
I wouldn't know.
You know, she mentioned that you lived there Valerie that she fostered you for almost two years.
Obviously, I wasn't your case worker back then, but I'm surprised you didn't say anything.
It's just another place not worth mentioning.
Lux She wanted me to give this to you.
She said that she thought of you as a daughter.
I checked into it, and she'd started the process of adopting you.
Although, in the end, she said that it didn't work out.
I should go back inside.
I think we just proved Kelly wrong.
Yeah.
Yes, mind-blowing make-up sex It can fix any marital issue.
Well, the flowers are nice.
Yeah.
Kelly she must have really felt bad to send those.
Hey, you know, why don't you, um Why don't you call her and just, you know, tell her everything's okay? Yeah.
Or I can just let her worry for a little longer.
So we're really doing it, huh? Trying for a baby? Yeah, apparently.
So you're gonna stop drinking champagne, go off the pill? After my night out with Kelly, I can barely look at champagne.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I will put the rest of that back in the fridge.
Trying for a baby is going to be fun.