Life's a Glitch with Julien Bam (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

Bad Timing

- [indistinct chatter]
- [upbeat music playing]
- [alarm buzzing]
- [gasping and panting]
[gasping and panting]
Where am I?
Anyone here?
Whose crappy flat is this?
What the fuck?
What the hell? Where are my tattoos?
[Julien] I had no clue what happened!
But what's there to say
when you suddenly lose everything?
Life's a
[upbeat dance music playing]
The evening before,
the world was still fine.
I mean, I was at my own
award party, after all.
Fresh Personality of the Year winner.
Julien Bam.
And I also cracked five million followers.
At that point, I was sure
that this life would go on forever.
Always giving 100%. Always being online.
Never shying away from deadlines.
Everything for the fans.
And hey, it worked.
I had finally won the most
important award in this industry.
It just couldn't get any better.
Well, my best buddy Joon
disagreed with me though.
"I'm Julien Bam! Personality of the Year!"
What are you doing here
on your own, anyway?
Don't you want to celebrate yourself
and your influencer Oscar?
They're all here because of you.
It's a total small-talk minefield in here.
- [man] Cool speech, Ju.
- I'll be there in a second.
I have, by the way,
the perfect place for your award.
On your glass cabinet.
Where I keep my Power Ranger?
I knew it! That is my golden Power Ranger!
You will get shit.
That is my signed Power Ranger
limited edition. It is mine.
- But you know half of it belongs to me.
- Why does it suddenly belong to you?
Because I sent you the link.
Yeah, you sent me the link,
but I bought it.
Come on, you will replace
one golden statue with another.
It doesn't work like that.
It has value to me.
A personal value.
Stop annoying me.
There are enough annoying people here.
Not to mention
your creepy restaurant mascot.
Hey, your best friend is here as well.
[Julien] Shit. Diego.
- I hate this guy so much!
- Then why did you invite him?
I didn't. Must have been my management.
- Hey. Can we take a selfie?
- Sure.
- Thank you!
- You're welcome.
Just a moment.
[romantic music playing]
[Julien] Have I already told you
about Clara?
The girl of my dreams.
Ever since she shared her sandwich
with me in grade school,
I knew she was the one.
[upbeat music playing]
I'm Joon.
Just in case you're famous one day.
[Julien] Joon!
- Come here!
- What's up?
Why didn't you tell me
that Clara works at your place?
She doesn't. I guess my father
just hired her as a hostess for tonight.
[Julien] We need to rescue Clara
from this sleazebag.
Help me keep those influencers
off my back. Let's go.
[upbeat dance music playing]
Careful, my dear.
If you slightly sand off slippery soles
they'll have more grip.
- Will do, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Ju, hey! Dude, thanks for the invitation.
I'm glad you're here.
[Julien] Not.
Sure. I've even postponed
my mountaineering tour.
Ah, so you also do mountaineering?
Only the Zugspitze.
I'll do Everest in summer.
My alpacas can't stay alone
for so long in the spring, you know?
By the way, dude,
congratulations on the award.
No one deserves it more than you.
Cool, thanks.
Well, I must say,
after the last few months
of working so hard, we were in a tunnel
Tim, dude! Hey!
He's so cool.
[Julien] Damn.
I think your dad is looking for you.
In return for letting us use
his restaurant for the party,
I promised him that
you would do a bit of work.
- Hey, Ju. Do you have some time for us?
- Actually, no.
We're really big fans!
But it's not about that.
We developed a new product:
the Smell-o-bot 5G Deluxe.
And you would be perfect for the campaign!
[Joon] Oh, shit.
The alcohol is kicking in.
[man snorts]
What are you looking at?
Stick to your tail!
[man] A device that identifies
and neutralizes odors.
[Julien] A nose?
Hmm. Smell-o-bot 5G.
- Why 5G?
- That's the technology of the future, man!
Sending large amounts of data from A to B.
Or smart AI robots.
Just like the Smell-o-bot.
And every Smell-o-bot
is connected worldwide
to share data in real time
with each other.
Very, nice. Really cool.
But I think I'm the wrong guy for that.
You only have to do 20 posts and
three videos. You could really help us.
- We have the perfect plan
- Hey, Ju!
Sorry, guys, I have to excuse Julien.
We have a little problem
in the kitchen. Sorry!
You looked like
you could use some fresh air.
Thank you!
I brought us something.
Spicy Mexicans?
Well, we haven't seen each other
in a long time,
so think of it as a celebratory drink
for your award.
We were the only ones
who loved that stuff!
Everyone was like, "How can you
drink this stuff all evening?"
- And we were drinking it the whole time.
- Too bad nothing came of our bar idea.
Mexican shots at different spice levels.
That would be the shit!
And whoever can drink the spiciest one
should be immortalized in a book.
"The Book of Crazy Motherfuckers."
[both chuckle]
Would have been nice.
But, hey, now you're
the Personality of the Year.
That's pretty nice, too.
- Actually, I don't care about awards.
- You don't?
No, my name is not Diego.
- Are you jealous?
- No
Fuck Diego.
I missed this.
That carefree feeling back then.
The two of us outside at the prom,
sitting on the wall.
That's also where we took off
with the drinks, left the others.
Very simple.
No fancy-pants stuff or nothing.
That was kind of nice.
When we said goodbye,
I walked extra slowly because I was
hoping you'd ask me out. [chuckling]
I did ask you out
Maybe a bit too quietly.
[softly] "Hey, Clara, up for a date?"
- No reaction. I'm still waiting.
- What a pity.
- If only I had heard you.
- Then I'll ask again.
- Hey, Clara.
- [laughs]
Wanna go out on a date?
[both laughing]
- [door opens]
- [Joon] Ju!
Ju! Ju! Ju! [panting]
Hey, Clara.
- Will you drive me home?
- Joon, bad timing.
[whining] Drive me home!
It's okay.
I have to get back to work anyway.
Uh, but if you happen to be
at Café Millowitsch tomorrow
Let's say 10:00 a.m.?
Who knows, maybe I'll be there.
[in English] Oh, fuck!
- [in German] Can I drink that?
- [chuckles] No. You're already drunk.
Come on, I'll drive you home.
Trust fall.
Party [laughing hysterically]
Hey, sit down in the passenger seat.
Get some fresh air.
No, the star never sits
next to the driver.
I'm the star.
You are the driver.
[laughing] Taxi Julien.
[laughing hysterically]
[Julien laughs softly]
- [Julien] Let's play some music.
- Party!
- [both whooping]
- [upbeat music playing loudly]
10:00 a.m., Café Millowitsch.
Isn't it great, man?
Personality of the Year,
a date with Clara.
And both in one evening!
[both] Whoa!
[dramatic music playing]
[warbling, static glitching]
[Julien] In that moment,
the universe must have thought,
"Fuck it." And suddenly,
there was a stranger in my car.
[static glitching]
It wasn't me anymore.
And the person next to me
was no longer Joon.
Although they had the same face.
- [alarm buzzing]
- [static glitching]
- [gasping]
- [buzzing continues]
[gasping and panting]
[man over speakers] Good morning, Julien!
This will be a good day, rise and shine.
- Nothing will faze you today.
- [Julien] Hello?
- You will take on any challenge.
- Anyone here?
Don't let anyone irritate you.
The people who are mean to you
are just compensating
for their own insecurities.
- Always remember, money isn't everything
- Whose crappy flat is this?
Say yes to life! Say no to drugs!
Except for medical drugs. They're good.
What the fuck?
And if you ever get off track, Julien,
stop the meter and hit the brakes.
Only those who continue
in the wrong direction
are guaranteed to miss their destination.
So put it in reverse and
Call Joon.
[automated voice] Calling Mom.
Shit, not Mom, Joon! Call Joon
[woman] Julchen!
Hi, Mom, I'm just
I'm a little busy right now.
So nice to hear from you.
Everything okay, my son?
Ah, just a little off track.
Listen, did Joon call you?
Joon who?
Well, Joon, our Joon,
the guy who stayed with us forever.
With us? Joon?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Did you get the bank transfer?
- What the fuck? Where are my tattoos?
- Julchen.
Are you still there?
Actually, I've lost track
of all your weird friends.
You should find yourself
a girlfriend instead.
[Julien] Girlfriend? Damn! Clara!
Sorry, Mom, I gotta go. I'm
I'm about to go on a date.
[upbeat music playing]
Just borrowing it, you'll get it back.
I didn't have a clue
where I was or what happened.
But the only important thing
in this moment, Café Millowitsch!
Meet up with Clara.
Can I help you?
Yes, may I have a quick look around here?
- Only with a ticket.
- In that case, one ticket please.
Boy, that event is sold out!
How is that possible? In fact,
there should be a restaurant here,
Café Millowitsch.
The MMA center has been here forever, boy.
MMA center?
- May I please have a quick look?
- No.
- It won't take long
- [angrily] I said no!
[cell phone chimes]
[sighs, gasps]
[distorted indistinct chatter]
[man] Hey, Ju.
No selfies now, please.
What kind of selfies, you wanker?
Ah, it's you, the nose boys.
- Trying to be smart now?
- No, just fucked up.
- So, what's the status?
- About the placement, right?
You have to check with my management
and I can't promise anything. I'm sorry.
Management? Dude,
are you trying to mess with us?
- Do you have the stuff or not?
- Calm down!
I thought you were fans.
Fans of a taxi driver?
Don't you know who I am?
Are you threatening us now?
No, I'm serious. Don't you recognize me?
Julien Bam. The influencer.
Dude, are you out of your mind?
You drive cabs.
And the deal with us
is your only chance to get some cash.
And we paid in advance,
so just hand over the damn stuff, man!
- What stuff?
- Just that stuff.
You can't explain a word
with the same word.
Boy, that stuff!
Drum set? Toys? Jehovah's Witnesses?
What kind of stuff, man?
- Oh, that stuff!
- [man] Yeah, that stuff!
[Julien] Um
Suggestion. You wait here
and I get the stuff.
- Don't mess with us.
- Never!
Out of curiosity,
what would happen if I did?
Stew. This would happen
to your neck if you don't come back.
[continues grunting]
Okay, understood. Message received.
I'll get some stuff.
Come on, hurry.
[Julien] I can actually
cope with pushy fans,
but I had never experienced
anything like this before.
And no trace of Clara anywhere.
I had to find answers, logical answers.
So, next stop, my hallowed halls.
My management.
Hello, hello, sorry, can I help you?
I just want to see my manager.
[Julien] Okay, what the fuck?
It was like someone had turned the world
upside down since that crash.
Was I dreaming?
Had I traveled through time?
Julien and Joon's Excellent Adventure?
Wait! Joon! That's right.
He was there too
Joon was there. But where is Joon?
[whimsical music playing]
[Julien] J Dollar Dollar N?
It's pronounced "Joon."
[rap song playing]
Who are you?
Johnny Boy, having delusions again?
Who are you, where am I?
[groans] What's going on with my mouth?
[woman 1] Lying down too much
isn't good for you.
[woman 2] Brutus, stop!
[door closes]
Hello, my lucky pig.
Feeling good?
You're the guy from the Yangpa!
The pig man.
- Did he eat some mushrooms again?
- No!
You're banned from mushrooms, clown!
What mushrooms?
Get out of bed,
you have an interview in a few minutes.
I don't know anything
about anything, I [yelps]
- Do I take the Band-Aid off, too?
- No, that's authentic, it will do.
[makeup artist] Okay.
Joon, welcome! Great to have you here.
You dropped your new album yesterday.
So tell me, which track
is the most important one for you?
The most important track No idea.
Yo, yo, Joon aka J$$N aka Joon $
- Is that me?
- Yes.
Props for your great style!
- [Julien] You're kidding, right?
- [young man] What?
J Dollar Dollar N?
Nice guy.
Haven't you seen the cover yet?
No, I don't even know
what this is all about.
- [sighs] Let's start over.
- That's not possible. We're live!
Do you know me as well? Julien Bam.
- Nope.
- Doesn't matter.
That's my bro. My best bro!
I'm looking for him.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- No, really! Want me to prove it?
Just give me your phone.
- No.
- Come on, for one minute.
- J Dollar Dollar N is live. Livestream.
- He's live!
- Tour plan, feature What feature?
- [manager] Stop!
So we didn't plan on
bringing this up, but
- Joon had an accident yesterday.
- Accident? Do you want to talk about it?
What happened after?
Wait a second.
3:00 p.m.
[Joon] "Yangpa 3:00 p.m."
Okay, let me be
completely honest with you.
Um, I don't even know what I'm doing here,
and the gentleman texting there
is my best friend Julien,
and I'm no gangster rapper!
He's talking about me.
Nice. Now give me my phone.
Thank you!
- Cool dude.
- [camera clicks]
In case you get famous someday.
Can I use the restroom, please? Thanks!
[manager] Joon.
Uh [chuckles]
That's a joke, some kind of druggie humor.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
We'll play some clips and be back soon.
[panting] Okay, okay.
[Joon] Yangpa, Yangpa.
- [vents blow air]
- [radio turns on]
Oh, shit!
Where is Joon, how can I find him?
- Where would a Joon go? [groans]
- Hey!
Where is our shit?
Or give us back our money!
We waited two hours for you.
Hey, I wanna be honest.
I have no clue.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm not myself.
My life is a complete mess.
I have no clue. I'm totally lost.
It's like swimming against a raging river
that's trying to pull you under.
I can't hold onto anything,
and I can't tell which way's up anymore.
The only thing I see is a waterfall trying
to pull me down. But there is one branch.
A branch I can hold on to.
A slightly thicker branch
Fuck, just drive!
[Julien] With tree bark.
It's like a thick skin that
can't be hurt by anything.
Let's call it "Joon."
And I have to find that branch
before it's too late.
[Joon whimpering]
[Julien] And I could really
use any help right now.
What's going on? Joon!
Do you understand?
So you don't have any money or what?
[upbeat music playing]
When did he become so fast?
[Julien] I just ran. Faster and faster.
No idea where to. Just straight on.
Like Forrest Gump.
- Joon!
- Ju!
- Wait, is it really you?
- Is it really you?
Why do you look like that?
- Why do you look like that?
- Hey!
- I think we lost them!
- Wait, Joon.
What happened to your father's restaurant?
No. That is not possible.
The logo is the same.
But it looks so different.
Smaller. [panting]
Let's go inside.
At least we can hide here for a moment.
[Joon] What the hell happened?
I don't know.
All I know is you're not Joon
and I'm not myself.
- In some way everybody is different.
- Do you think we went crazy?
No idea, man.
The Internet always
has the answers. Right?
- You got a phone?
- No. You?
Yes, but it's dead.
Wait a second.
Nice laptop!
- Can we borrow it?
- No, no, no way.
Okay, sorry, dude.
Joon? The real Joon? Can we take a selfie?
Sure, if we can get the laptop.
Of course, what do you want to do?
We need to google something.
- You mean "goggle"?
- I mean "google," as in Google.
[mellow music playing]
Ju. What kind of crap is that?
Goggle, Bluebird, Dailygram and TubeYou?
Joon, what happened
on the day of the accident?
Uh, red carpet, after-show party.
[both] Personality of the Year!
Who the hell is that?
Why are you asking me?
J Dollar Dollar N.
[in English] Holy fuck!
[in German] 29,900,000 hits
for J Dollar Dollar N?
Crazy, I'm a platinum rapper.
- Don't get cocky.
- Why, are you envious?
Why the dollar signs?
How do you pronounce it? "Jizzn"?
Don't know, wasn't my choice.
I guess it's just Joon.
No, the dollar is shaped liked an S.
- So I'd say "Jizzn."
- Hey! I got it!
I think we landed in a parallel universe
where everything is different.
And I think that's total nonsense.
Julien Bam.
At that moment I realized
I think we landed in a parallel universe
where everything is different.
[man] Can I have my laptop back?
Yes. Sure.
Ju, I have to tell you something crazy!
There's a guy following me.
I think he's crazy.
He seems to be my manager.
There are people chasing me as well.
We can't stay here.
Let's think about what happened again.
We drove home from your party in your car.
We crashed the car into that mast!
This mast must exist here. Let's go there
and we will find answers. For sure.
- But how? We don't even have a car here.
- Ask your dad.
Your other dad.
[machine dings]
- [Joon] Excuse me.
- Just a moment.
[machine dings]
[in English] Baby ♪
We were meant to be ♪
Nothing can ♪
[in German] Out.
- But
- We are closed!
- But someone is still sitting there.
- Yes, but we are closed.
So, please. Out.
Someone is still sitting there.
[machine whirring]
- [sighs] Man, what's wrong with her?
- Don't know.
But more importantly,
where do we get a car?
[Julien] That's your car?
You don't even have a driver's license.
No matter. The coast is clear.
- Wait! Are you sure?
- [Julien] Got a better idea?
[manager talking indistinctly]
- Shit.
- That's your manager?
Just go. It's your car after all.
No! I told you,
he's going to kill us! He's crazy!
Okay. I'll go.
- Are you crazy? Are you crazy?
- Let's do it like this.
You distract him by staging an epileptic
attack, and when he wants to help,
I'll sneak into the car, drive a bit,
open the passenger door and you jump in.
Yes. And preferably we're naked,
light up some cigarettes
- and smoke them through our assholes.
- Exactly!
- You're out of your mind!
- Let's go!
- That won't work! How is it supposed to?
- You have a better plan?
- Oh, mashallah! It's Joon!
- Bro, I swear! I listen to your music
- [man] Sick, brother!
- It's different!
Bro, what are you doing here?
Why so sneaky?
Could you please leave us alone?
We are in the middle of something.
I think I got it.
- They're shooting a music video!
- You think?
Yes. We're shooting a music video.
[woman] Oh, my God!
- Do you want to take part in it?
- [both] Absolutely!
- [whispering indistinctly]
- [woman] What do we have to do?
You just have to be really convincing.
Can you do that?
[man] Help, help, my girlfriend is dying.
She got that thing, that
- Epileptical, epilator
- Shut up. I'm on a call.
Epileptological Asthma, she's got asthma!
- Fuck off, you little fuckers!
- [man] What's wrong with you?
- My missus is dying.
- What?
Are you a fanboy or what?
What do you want, you fanboy?
[man] Relax, man!
[manager] Fuck off!
And take your fangirl with you!
[mutters angrily]
[tires screeching]
What the hell
It doesn't matter
if it's this world or ours,
Ju conquers every obstacle!
- And Joon?
- And Joon!
- Best tag team since Goten and Trunks.
- Ooh
- Music? Music from this world?
- Yeah, turn it up.
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick ♪
- [station changes]
- [mellow pop song playing]
We go to the exact spot
where we had the accident yesterday.
If that place exists here.
Think more things
are different in this dimension?
Maybe there are trips to Mars
like cruise ships in our world.
Or unicorns. Or caterpillars with wings.
- Butterflies.
- Or lightsabers!
Or planes without wings.
- Underwater.
- Submarines.
And if so, this isn't our world.
And the less we know about it,
the less we are exposed
to dangerous situations.
Just imagine,
Hitler could still be alive here.
Or never have existed.
I mean, we should make a little detour
to explore things like that in more depth.
No way! We have to go back.
[man on radio]
on tonight's MMA event.
[woman] We brought out the big guns
for the few lucky fans who got a ticket.
- You are probably right. As always.
- [woman continues]
- Reason comes first.
- Psst. Joon.
- That's Clara's voice.
- [woman] I think it will be awesome!
[man] That was Clara Sonnen, MMA fighter.
You can meet her at today's trial session.
Joon, we should take a look around!
This is a unique opportunity.
Yeah, I'm always right.
[rap song plays]
- What are we doing?
- Just taking a look.
- Oh, shit.
- [rap song stops]
I completely forgot that guy.
That's it for our detour.
Hey, J Double Dollar N!
What an honor! I am a huge fan of yours.
Come on over.
Do you want to go in? For free, of course.
Is he with you?
All right. Have fun in there!
Thanks! Ciao!
[rap song continues]
[Julien] And there she was for real.
I found her.
She was different.
But just as beautiful.
- [thuds]
- [grunts]
What a surprise. A VIP guest.
- What are you doing here?
- Just watching.
- How about a fight?
- Against you?
Sure. To give the people a show.
Let's see if you're really the gangster
you say you are in your songs.
I'm not! [chuckles nervously]
- [Julien whispers] Joon!
- What?
Do it! That's important for us!
- What if I get hit in the face? Why?
- Yes!
- Think about it!
- Hey. Who are you?
I am the
fight coach.
- So you can fight?
- Of course!
Okay, let's see what you got.
Now? Here?
So, just easy, right?
Have it your way.
[Clara grunts]
[rock music playing]
[Julien grunting]
- [straining] You are hurting me.
- Then tap out.
No, it's also kind of nice.
[Clara] Come on! Fight!
[both grunting]
[groaning] Fuck.
Do you give up?
I'll buy you a drink.
What's wrong with you, boy?
[straining] Doesn't have to be
something with alcohol!
You're a tough nut, huh?
It's my middle name.
You are talking such bullshit.
Try to stop me.
- [exclaims]
- [ringing tone]
Ju? Julien?
I felt her.
- So close to me.
- [Joon] Julien!
I think he's coming back.
She smells like corn poppy. And a new car.
I wrecked the poor guy's brain.
No, he always speaks such bullshit.
Clara. Hey, Clara.
Good fight.
I hope I didn't hurt you.
You didn't even punch.
Sorry if I was a little too hard.
In the ring I tend to lose my temper.
But you've got a pair on you.
You lasted quite a while. Surprised me.
Um, I'm going for a drink with the boys.
Do you want to come?
Your rapper buddy can join us too.
Even if his music sucks really hard.
Do they have good Spicy Mexicans there?
Spicy Mexicans? I hate this swill.
Everything else is okay, but not that.
[somber music plays]
I have to pass,
I have other plans with Joon.
It was nice to get to know you.
You serious?
"It was nice to get to know you"?
It wasn't her, Joon.
She looked like Clara,
but it wasn't her.
Your turn.
Think about what you want to do
before we go to the mast.
Let's drive
I mean, I got to see you get beaten up.
There is nothing better!
Let's find the mast.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
I just wanted to get back to my Clara,
back to my old life.
Back to my comfort zone.
And Joon feels the same way.
Right here, in this spot, we landed
in this shit parallel dimension.
And from here we'll get back home.
Nothing was gonna stop us.
- It's the same mast.
- [Joon] Just a regular 5G mast.
What's that?
[static glitching]
Ju, you shouldn't touch it.
I got it under control.
[static crackles]
[Joon whimpering]
[static crackling]
You first.
That doesn't make sense at all!
[Julien groans]
The glitch. It has become bigger.
You've just done something.
We need a more violent shock.
Something bigger.
- Okay? Yeah?
- [panting] Yeah.
Wait a second. Are you sure?
Fifty percent sure.
- [tires screech]
- [Joon yelps]
What if we die?
We didn't die the first time, right?
This is the only way back home.
- What if it goes wrong this time?
- It has to work!
[Joon] I have to confess something.
- [Julien] What? Not now!
- [Joon] Do you remember the yogurt?
- Yes.
- I stuck my penis in it.
You wanker! Why now? Why now?!
- Why are you telling me that now?
- I've made up my mind. Stop the car!
- I've made up my mind.
- Stop it!
[upbeat music playing]
[tires screeching]
[both grunt]
Shit! Who is that?
[music continues playing]
Next Episode