Life's a Glitch with Julien Bam (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

Rap to Reality

- [tires screech]
- [man exclaims]
- Fuck!
- Shit! What's going on?
- Who is that?
- Shit, dude!
[whimpering, grunts]
Whoa, easy. Wait, wait a second.
- [chuckles nervously] Dima, isn't it?
- Dude, what's wrong with you?
I know you think Joon is the super badass,
fierce rapper, but Joon ain't Joon.
- And I am not myself either.
- Who are you, anyway?
I am or, in fact, I was a YouTuber.
You're the taxi driver from the accident.
Don't talk shit!
[exclaims] Hit the mast with a stick!
I swear the answer is in there.
We're from another dimension.
You fucking druggies. Don't fuck with me!
[upbeat dance music playing]
[Julien] We were already almost back home
when this Dima guy got in our way.
He seems to hate everything about me.
There are two things that I hate to death.
- Taxi drivers and taxi drivers.
- [inaudible conversation]
[Joon] But he's not a taxi driver.
He's my
Ghostwriter! I'm his ghostwriter!
Dude, a ghostwriter?
In some shitty,
cheap electric car, taxi or what?
It was writing on the street,
real close! Ultra high-end stuff!
This is the road of today.
That's why we went to the 5G mast.
Dima, you have to get with the times!
Otherwise, in time you will have to go.
Mm, sick punch line. Yours?
Joon, do something. Do something.
- [beat boxing]
- Louder, louder.
You hear that sound? You hear that sound?
[exclaims] Continue.
High End!
Carbon on my Tesla ♪
AMG's quite a back number ♪
5G everywhere, that's my flex ♪
The modern road is high tech! ♪
[Joon and Julien exclaim]
That's really dumb.
[chuckles] It's bad as hell.
Could be a hit!
- Yes.
- Yes?
[Joon] Okay, can we please
get out of the car?
What? You know very well
that we have a mission today.
Last chance to apologize
for the mess you've made.
[Joon] Apologize? To whom?
[Julien] Even in this dimension
I'm the one paying
when Joon messes up.
If I was his manager, I'd be bold too.
- Gimme your leg.
- Which leg?
- [Dima] Doesn't matter.
- What for?
Leg day.
[Joon groans]
[Dima] So that you don't run away again.
- What is this?
- GPS tracking.
My insurance.
Come on, yallah!
[Julien] We didn't know what to expect
from this place. Meth lab, torture cellar,
human butcher's shop? Doesn't matter.
We needed to get away
to come up with a new plan.
- Did he leave the car key in? Perhaps?
- [Joon] Want to crash it into the mast?
[sighs] Nope, no keys.
- [trunk thuds]
- [muffled speaking]
- [exclaims]
- Shit, dude!
- [Joon] What's that?
- A tied-up guy in a trunk.
- Yeah, man, I can see that!
- [man grunts]
What if Dima is not a rap manager at all,
but some Hannibal Lecter
in pimps' clothes?
- What? Do something!
- Shit!
Sorry, I'll remove this one first.
Bastard! [spits]
[exclaims and grunts]
[exclaims] No.
No, please, don't! I'm sorry, okay?
I'll stay down, I promise!
You filthy bastard! Watch yourself!
I will expose you!
Dirty wanker!
- Dude, what just happened?
- We have to get out of here.
No, I know people like them in there.
- Don't talk shit, dude.
- Sure, I saw it in a documentary.
What fucking documentary?
Dude, if we don't play along,
we'll end up in this trunk!
Fuck, dude
- [screams]
- Fuck! Fuck, Joon!
What is happening?
Look, taxi driver, I'm high tech myself!
Come on, get in!
Sort it out.
What are we supposed to do?
[Julien] Diego!
- You!
- [classical music plays]
[rap song plays]
Sit down.
Nope, ghostwriter.
[Diego] Put him on a leash.
He's being naughty.
Did you see, dude?
I'm now number one on Splatify.
King of the scene is back! Dude!
- Congratulations?
- [Diego] Congratulations, what?
Your album was released two days ago.
I fucked you, don't you care?
Nah, absolutely not, I'm so happy for you.
Çüş. Pussy, dude!
[men chuckle]
Now hand over what's mine!
I'm a little lost.
Dude, you're in a weird mood today.
What's wrong with you, dude?
You're always acting like a gangster
Sumo wrestler, you know.
Okay, listen, you got the wrong Joon.
He's no rapper.
We came here from another dimension.
[men laugh]
[shushes] Quiet!
- What are you talking about, ghostwriter?
- [Julien] All right, imagine this.
You're driving, right?
High speed! And all of a sudden,
huge mast. Boom! Crash!
Deathly quiet.
Not dead!
A light.
You're awake. You don't know who you are,
you don't know where you are.
Another dimension.
Other me.
That's our story. Can you follow?
Fuck, man, I love that, yeah, dude!
Who here has ever dreamed
of falling into an abyss and dying?
Well, Murat? Did you actually die?
[clicks tongue] No.
But maybe there is
another dimension somewhere!
And there is a Murat, too.
And he really perished. Fuck it!
Mindfuck, that thought, yeah!
I swear, mindfuck!
Yussuf, show them the video by that doc,
Dr. Sillberg, you showed me recently.
That women is badass!
She has more knowledge than a lexicon.
With every interaction,
our universe gets split into new
Yeah, cool, but we really have to go now!
Shut up, stay there,
watch till the end! Watch!
Our universe is dividing itself
with every interaction
in new parallel universes
- [Diego] Best man, that woman.
- [Joon] Cool, cool woman, top indeed.
- And beautiful.
- Why beautiful, dude?
Of course she's beautiful!
But that's not what it's about.
Show some respect, yeah?
[clicks tongue] Give it to me.
- So, when do we shoot?
- Shoot what?
Music video, dude! You just pitched it!
Dimension, dimension!
That will be king, dude!
Dimension, dimension! ♪
- [men chuckle]
- That's gonna be epic.
And we got a location as well.
No, the perfect location!
And the song is almost ready!
- Right, Joon?
- [chuckles]
- That bangs! What else?
- "Science Fiction meets Rap."
Jizzn Joon featuring Diego.
Charting to the top.
- Record on Spotify, bam!
- Splatify!
There too!
I swear, I'm up for it!
[Julien groans and coughs]
That's for the punch you gave me earlier.
I didn't!
But maybe your other self did.
Yeah. Right.
[Diego] We shoot the day
after tomorrow. And Joon?
That urinal cake, you can keep it, dude.
Urinal cake?
[urine flowing]
[Diego] I swear, I invite you to my place
once on a foundation of trust
and then you stole
one of my urinal cakes. It's okay now.
But, hey.
Never steal from me again! Okay?
Yallah, get the fuck out!
[Julien] Genius, right?
Genius? Man, all we had to do
is give back that urinal cake.
Now we have to shoot
a music video with that psycho!
But think about it, music video, mast.
Return trip, let's go!
And you have this damn ankle monitor.
No easier way for us to reach the mast.
I'll need some food first.
- What?
- Don't you think I noticed?
Yangpa? Because of
the hot waitress? Coincidentally?
You're horny, right?
No, I'm just hungry!
So, we can go and grab
some chips somewhere, right?
Yes, okay, it's about the waitress.
That you can think about something
like that in a moment like this
- I'm disappointed in you as a person.
- Come on, dude!
First, you think about Clara all the time!
Second, writing, rapping,
shooting music videos.
Just because of you! And with a guy
who doesn't have all his marbles.
Under supervision
of a guy who is just as crazy.
That makes it okay
for me to chill for a second, right?
- I'm talking to you! Where are you going?
- [Julien] Yangpa! I'm hungry!
The song doesn't have to be good.
It's a means to an end.
- [Joon] How can we do that?
- You're a rapper.
You must have some ideas.
Think about it. What's the first line?
What could we rap about? Any ideas?
- [romantic song playing]
- [Joon] Oh, my God. Who are you?
Where have you been all my life?
Does she have a boyfriend?
Yes. Me!
For you, I would carve a wooden figure.
- Or just talk to her.
- [indistinct talk]
Just do it!
Here you are! What are you doing?
Good news! We're getting a feature!
What kind of feature?
Did you resolve the thing
about the urinal cake?
Yes, I did.
What feature?
Dima. Do masts ring a bell?
[bowl clattering]
Stop fattening Joon.
From now on,
you'll stay away from my artist.
Masts. 5G masts. Diego loves the idea.
We shoot a video with him.
He's on drugs.
That's why he loves such crap.
No, Dima. Do you know the story
about the hippo and the watering hole?
Do you know the story
about your face and my fist?
That one is probably good as well.
Well, listen up.
The story is about a horde of hippos.
They are always at the same watering hole.
But there is this one hippo,
a small hippo, an outsider,
that eventually moves on.
The bigger hippos
laugh about the small hippo
because they think it's scared.
But what they don't know
is that the water at the watering hole
is running out.
The small hippo moves on because
it's looking for a new watering hole.
Because it has a good nose.
It can smell the water.
I am the nose, Dima!
The nose that smells
the new watering hole.
The money, Dima! Money!
[Dima] Okay, enough chitchat.
How long do we have for the track?
He wants to shoot
the day after tomorrow evening.
- What?
- [exclaims]
Shit, man!
Let's go! Dawai! Come. Vamos! Ándale.
[Julien] Back to our dimension
with the help of Deutschrap.
Sounds like a blockbuster, doesn't it?
And blockbusters
always have a happy ending.
My happy ending is called Clara.
It's a foolproof plan.
[man snoring]
[Dima] Durby, get up! Wake up!
Time to make some music! Chop chop!
- Yallah! We start now, yeah?
- [Durby] Chill out.
Here, tinkle, tinkle!
[music plays]
Nice, bro.
I don't have a clue about rap.
Especially from a parallel dimension.
I think it's the same as everywhere.
- Durby, what do I rap about?
- Oh, fuck!
How long have you been here?
What do I usually rap about?
[Durby] Dude, is that a trick question?
Well, about
money, chicks, chocolate, tigers.
And about your dick, dude!
Sounds good.
Let's go!
[Joon] Is all that the same song?
[Durby] Of course not.
Totally different singles.
[Joon, auto-tuned]
Dick, dick, dick, dick ♪
[Joon, in deep voice]
D-D-D-Dick, d-d-d-dick, d-d-d-dick ♪
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick
Dick, dick ♪
How shitty is that?
[Julien] How about that one?
"Mom Was Always There for Me."
[music starts]
[Joon] This song ♪
Is for my mother ♪
Mom ♪
That's for you! ♪
I love you, ya ♪
Dick, dick, dick, hey! ♪
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, brrrr! ♪
Dick ♪
[song stops]
You got us into this shit!
You'll rap, too!
No, you'll rap, too!
Why do I have to insult my mother?
It's rap, it works, man! Believe me!
- So, I can insult your mother as well.
- No, insult your mother.
- No, your mother!
- No, your mother!
- No, your mother!
- Shut the fuck up!
[upbeat music plays]
- Maybe something more chill?
- Dude, I'm always chill.
Dude, don't touch that!
That's from my mom!
We need some ad-libs.
Man, like a [exclaims] Like that!
No, don't do that!
- No, it doesn't fit the song either.
- Your mother doesn't fit the song.
Ska! Yeah!
Durby, come on, wake up!
We have to produce!
Do you think I got
a chance with that hot waitress?
What do you want with her?
We want to get back to our world anyway.
What Edge? What LTE? 5G, no THC ♪
Always the newest phone in my pocket ♪
No one knows, I'm the best in class ♪
The street of today is high tech ♪
Everything is carbon on my Tesla ♪
Chrome on your AMG is from yesterday ♪
[rap song playing]
Yes! Nice job, guys!
Yo, I was just having a shit!
I saw this video.
You gotta see it, Joon!
Why aren't you watching, dude?
Yo, it's really important! Take a look!
Would you mind
holding the phone a little bit higher?
Yo, guys! I couldn't believe it!
You won't believe it neither!
Guys, something crazy happened to me!
I'm in disbelief!
I still can't believe it.
My name is Baba Mehmet,
and here you'll get the newest,
craziest shit.
Exclusive revelations
of J$$N's disgusting private life.
I was locked up in his trunk for two days.
His career is over!
Tomorrow on my channel.
6:00 p.m. Don't miss it.
One more thing. Don't skip.
Whoever wants to make a shitload of money
has to check out the link
from "Rubin Casino"
I posted in the video description.
Until tomorrow. His day will come.
Dude, that's the guy from Dimas' trunk!
You idiot!
Did you lock someone in my trunk again?
I swear! It wasn't me!
That was my other self!
Okay. [inhales deeply]
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
You'll go visit
this Mehmet now and fix it!
And I don't give a shit
whether you or your other self goes!
You'll fix it!
You psycho!
[Julien] You know, a video like that
will cause a shitstorm.
So don't make a music video.
[Dima] Yallah. Get in!
Hi. Um Is Mehmet home?
- Baba Mehmet?
- Do I know you from somewhere?
He's not from around here.
[speaking Korean]
Mehmet, you have visitors from abroad.
My boy, constantly playing
on the computer.
Come in. Come, come in!
No, no, no!
I will not go back into the trunk.
Shit, dude, we just came to talk.
I only talk to the police.
Fucking 31!
What's 31?
Or 35! Doesn't matter!
Something like that!
I know, everything is a little different
in your world anyways.
Stupid world!
Want to call someone "different,"
just look at yourself, man!
- So what did I do wrong now?
- Imprisonment? Kidnapping?
Drug use through all orifices?
And what you did to your sister?
What? When?
After you smoked a urinal cake
in your bong.
I mean What? I have a sister?
I do not have a sister.
Don't wanna talk about Hana.
She should close this dump hole.
Shame on my sister.
Fucking low wage earners!
[Mehmet] Joon simply stole
his sister's inheritance. What a bastard!
Oh, snap, the hot waitress is your sister.
My sister?
[Julien] Let's make a deal.
You do not post the video
and you'll get a shout-out.
Sounds awesome.
- But the video will be released anyway.
- I have a sister?
- Dad?
- It doesn't work like that.
Two shout-outs
and exclusive behind-the-scenes material
of the latest music video shoot
with Diego. Deal?
But the video will be released anyway.
There you go.
Thanks, boys!
This bad addiction to computers
He can now focus on school a bit more.
- School, very important!
- Very important.
Well done! There you go.
Careful, you'll get shocked.
The ankle monitor is too tight.
Hmm. Suits you well.
You look like a panda. [chuckles]
My sister, the waitress.
You think that's true?
Do you really believe I have a sister?
Seems like it.
[exclaims] What's the matter
with you, panda?
Of course you have a sister.
You have a manager as well.
And a contract!
I treated her like shit.
- I've always wanted a sister!
- No!
You did nothing wrong.
The other Joon, he messed up.
In our world,
I don't have a sister, right?
Just theoretically speaking.
Do you think the hot waitress
still exists in our world?
[Julien] What?
Do you really want
to bang your own sister?
[Joon] No! Are you not listening?
- No, I didn't say that.
- Dude, she's your sister!
- You still calling her hot is sick, dude!
- No! She wouldn't be my sister there.
- It's incest! You can't bang your sister!
- No, why do you talk shit like that?
Shut up! That's not what I'm saying!
- Do you listen when I talk?
- [Julien] I'm listening.
And I understood
that you fancy your sister.
- No, I never said that!
- Of course, dude!
[Joon] What kinda strange
imagination do you have?
- You started it.
- You are crazy.
- You started it, dude.
- No, I didn't.
The hell are you talking about?
Enough with your incest films.
We only have one day
till we shoot the music video.
Okay. Okay, okay.
What do we need?
As usual. Cars, women,
and that certain extra.
"Certain extra"?
Don't you mean "certain something"?
Something that surprises.
Okay, a suggestion.
Shut up!
I'll take you to Joon's apartment.
Gather your strength.
And get the stuff for the video.
Don't forget, you're always on my radar.
[Joon] Hello?
[Julien] Finally, we did get some rest.
MMA, crash, recording the track
It's all very draining.
Could also be the jet lag,
if that exists after changing dimensions.
Holy shit!
Awesome. Are those diamonds?
Check out the prices!
That's four years of rent.
Four years of rent for you!
That's definitely four years
of rent for you as well.
Look here!
Awesome, right?
Awesome, Joon.
- Can we go to sleep now, please?
- Go ahead!
Not on the couch, of course.
Yes, but not in my bed either.
Man, I don't want to sleep on the couch!
There are arse-fleas.
You're an arse-flea. Go sleep
outside then, if you don't like it.
Well, well. The moment you achieve status,
the wanker comes crawling out of you.
When I stayed at your place,
I didn't sleep in your bed either.
I don't lock people in trunks.
You must have enemies everywhere.
- They'll blow me up during the night!
- Sleep in the bathtub, then.
In the bathtub?
Dude, I thought you were a friend.
Let me sleep in your bed. My back hurts.
Well, I absolutely will sleep in my bed,
but definitely not with you.
- I will.
- You won't.
- I will!
- You won't!
- I will.
- You won't.
[Joon] Mm?
Are you asleep already?
What's the first thing
you'll do when we get back?
No idea.
Record a rap album?
I'm serious. What is it?
I mean, it doesn't have to be rap.
But something more meaningful
than what I'm doing right now.
I mean, people respect me here.
They take me seriously.
The last three main videos.
[both chuckle]
But, for real?
See Clara.
I want to show Clara what I'm like.
Who I really am.
- Clara really appeals to you, doesn't she?
- Yes.
She's the only person
who sees me the way I used to be.
Well, except you, of course.
But I need this.
[Joon] Mm.
Do you remember?
As a child I always wanted
to be an astronaut.
I know.
Ultra cliché, but
Do you think there's a dimension out there
in which I'm really an astronaut?
Yeah, sure! It is possible.
You might even be the first person
to set foot on Mars right now.
Right now, at this very moment.
Imagine that.
It is possible.
A beautiful thought.
Tell me, Joon.
Don't you want to brush your teeth?
- What?
- You have bad breath.
So what?
It's just a bit unpleasant
while I'm lying next to you.
Just move a bit.
But you've got a toothbrush here.
Treat yourself.
It's not my toothbrush,
but his toothbrush.
You have the same DNA.
His germs are your germs.
It's disgusting to go to bed
without brushing your teeth.
That's disgusting.
I hate you. [grunts]
[gasps, panting]
What the fuck?
Cool, right?
Found them in another bedroom.
There are other bedrooms?
Five. To be exact.
What time is it?
- How much time before the shoot?
- We have at least six hours.
- So long?
- Mm.
Half a day to go crazy in this dimension.
[music playing on TV]
Game of Crowns.
They didn't fuck up the ending here.
Fuck! We have to go.
- Shit!
- Forgot the time.
[Julien] So, we were close
to our way back home.
And our ticket back home,
the music video shoot next to the 5G mast.
What is the plan exactly?
We speed into the mast,
and due to the massive collision,
back to our world.
- Sure?
- Yes.
- Trust me.
- Yes, good.
Okay, you silly asses.
What do we have?
Car? Check.
Decent weather? Check.
- And
- Women?
But we have a wide range
of things for that extra touch.
A rubber doll?
Dude, what's that?
Another extra touch.
And she's riding this?
Nope, our friend over there.
She can even dance.
Personality of the Year winner.
Huge influence.
- Good evening, young lady, hello.
- Hello!
- Good evening. Nice to meet you.
- You too!
[Diego] Dude, what is this?
A rubbish dump?
Boy, oh, boy.
What's going on here, Joon?
Who is responsible
for your shitty production?
Dude, this place looks like shit, man!
Is this how you think I work?
Dude, nothing's organized here.
No women. Way too few rubber dolls.
First of all, hi.
Great to have you here.
Great we all are here.
Dude, we're shooting a music video.
He's a clown. He wants to fool us!
I really like your vibes!
But your video being fucked up like this
is a shame. I swear, it's a shame.
[clicks tongue]
What? Why fucked up?
Dude, I thought we were doing
that crazy parallel dimension stuff.
That's what you told me.
Dimensional transition and stuff.
But, dude, come on!
There's not even a studio here.
Not even a fucking greenscreen.
We do this. We do it exactly like this.
I don't believe it.
Yeah, see, the thing is,
we will actually crash into the mast.
Ourselves. We crash into it.
We are doing it for real.
We don't need a stunt team.
You are bullshitting.
[Julien] No, I'm not. Trust me.
It's gonna be the most epic stunt,
because we do it ourselves.
And you'll be part of it.
- [Diego] I do my own stunt?
- Yeah.
- You swear on everything?
- Yes! Definitely, trust me!
You guys are insane!
I swear you are insane, dude!
[chuckles] Come, let's make a video.
Pick up my chain, dude! Pick it up!
Move! I swear!
[Julien and Joon] 5G everywhere!
That is my flex! ♪
The street of today is high tech! ♪
Everything carbon on my Tesla ♪
Chrome on your AMG is from yesterday ♪
5G everywhere!
That is my flex! ♪
The street of today is high tech ♪
Everything carbon on my Tesla ♪
Chrome on your AMG is from yesterday ♪
What Edge? What LTE? 5G! ♪
No THC! ♪
Always the newest phone in my pocket ♪
No one knows I'm the best in class ♪
Look at me flexing ♪
Rebuilding the world with LEGO Technic ♪
Parallel universe ♪
Yes, the Earth is very round ♪
5G everywhere! That is my flex! ♪
The street of today is high tech ♪
Everything carbon on my Tesla ♪
Chrome on your AMG is from yesterday ♪
5G everywhere! That is my flex! ♪
The street of today is high tech ♪
Everything carbon on my Tesla ♪
Chrome on your AMG is from yesterday ♪
Oh, yeah
The boss is back ♪
What? J Dollar Dollar N
That's my track! ♪
What feature?
I'm from another dimension! ♪
Dimension! ♪
What 5G? I want ten kilo ♪
New Wave
What do you small bambinos want? ♪
Winner winner is written on my jersey ♪
Go hard in every dimension ♪
All the models want me
Like I'm a catwalk ♪
Everywhere flashlight storm
If I go out ♪
Microphone will break
As soon as I record this song ♪
Tell me, who wants to see
This shitty other rapper? ♪
This was the last scene. It's a wrap!
It's now or never.
- [engine revs]
- [exclaims]
Silly asses.
It's gonna get wild, dude.
- It's gonna get wild.
- [Joon] You better hold on tight.
Boys, it will be absolutely fantastic.
Hey, Joon.
- [Diego] Give me more dimension, dude!
- Fuck, man, we fucked up.
- This guy can't be in the car with us.
- What guy?
- [scatting]
- We can't take him with us to our world.
What do you want me to do?
- You must kick him out. Do it!
- No! I can't do it.
Of course you can do it, bro, just go
You bastards. Come back! What's wrong?
Do I have to walk now?
[Julien] This time we pull it through.
[Joon] Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
[car crashes]
[static crackling]
[Julien groans]
Did it work?
Am I in my own body again?
I'll get you.
You idiots!
Stay where you are!
- [phone buzzes]
- Ouch, my phone is getting hot!
- Clara.
- [static crackling]
I just got a text message
from our world!
[Dima] Joon!
[static glitches]
[closing theme music playing]
Previous EpisodeNext Episode