Lilyhammer (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

The Midwife

FRANK: It ain't safe around here no more.
I'm thinking Lilyhammer.
HENRY: Why the fuck would you want to go there? Clean air, fresh white snow, gorgeous broads, and best of all, nobody but nobody's gonna be looking for me there.
GEIR: (IN NORWEGIAN) We have a possible ex-Guantanamo-prisoner in town.
Giovanni Henriksen is Suleyman Bhatti.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Alpha to all units.
Drop the weapon! (IN NORWEGIAN) Hope you know what you're doing, Hovland.
SIGRID: (IN NORWEGIAN) It's just a toy gun! You'll get plenty of opportunities to explain.
There will be an internal investigation.
(IN NORWEGIAN) There's something I have to talk to you about.
(BABY CRYING) (IN NORWEGIAN) Think how nice it will be when we get a baby.
Yeah, it's mind-blowing.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How are ya? Johnny.
- Svein.
- (IN NORWEGIAN) Nice to meet you.
Hi.
- Hi.
And we've got some big business in the works so I understand.
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
It's been a bit sudden, but we're really looking forward to it now.
- SVEIN: That's nice.
- Yes.
SVEIN: Let's see (IN NORWEGIAN) No, actually, I'm your midwife.
I'm the midwife.
- You're the midwife? - Yeah.
(IN NORWEGIAN) If you could just lie down - and pull up your sweater? - Yeah.
Does it feel okay? It feels perfectly all right.
(SIGRID AND SVEIN LAUGH) It's a human being, that's for sure.
Undo your trousers, please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, I'm not too comfortable with you putting your hands I don't know.
Honey, listen, I think we need a regular midwife.
Yeah, you know, key word "wife.
" You know, as in broad, as in skirt, as in dame.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You're welcome to request someone else, but then you could quickly end up at another hospital.
That's out of the question.
I had a sudden birth last time.
We're giving birth here.
Jesus.
Excuse me, girls, would you happen to know where the doctor in charge might be? Yes.
It's me.
- Oh - Can I help you? Yeah, I'm having a little trouble with my midwife.
Okay.
What's the trouble? Well, the trouble is, it's a man.
Okay Well, call me old-fashioned, but I just don't want the first thing my kid sees to be his mother spreading her legs for another man.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Changing a midwife on the grounds of such a view is out of the question.
And you have to put on blue plastic socks.
blue plastic socks here.
(CHUCKLES) Where did you get to? I went to get schooled on the dress code.
Well, it doesn't really matter so much, because I'm finished now.
POLICE (IN NORWEGIAN) It's probably a good idea that I do the talking in there, okay? - Yes? - (IN NORWEGIAN) Sure.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Welcome to this hearing concerning the failed anti-terrorism action during this year's Birkebeiner ski race.
Officer Tvedt, you were the one who took the initiative.
What kind of evaluations were behind the action taken? The strenuous workload we have (INTERRUPTS) We are asking Tvedt.
A lot of circumstantial evidence and especially a gut feeling indicated a suspect.
(IN NORWEGIAN) But we're talking about an American who runs a bar.
Extremists often use a western lifestyle as a cover.
That's pretty evident.
How does one get it into one's mind that this is an Islamic terrorist? (CHUCKLES) Well, if you'd bothered to read up on terrorist literature like some of us here, you might have understood the connection better.
Everybody profits from us apprehending ten wrong people rather than letting some fucking psycho run around Thank you.
I think we've heard all we need.
Hey, babe, it's me.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I'm in the bathroom.
FRANK: Eh.
Lillehammer Hospital Place to give birth Two minutes, then we're ready.
Due to capacity problems at Lillehammer Hospital, you have been assigned a new place to give birth, at Gjøvik Hospital.
Gjøvik? Motherfucker.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (PHONE RINGING) Doctor Hustad.
Johnny Henriksen here.
We spoke to you earlier at the hospital.
(IN NORWEGIAN) The guy with the plastic socks, right? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, how you doin'? Listen, there's been a mix-up.
Got a letter saying we've been moved to Gjøvik.
(IN NORWEGIAN) No mix-up.
Everyone cannot give birth here, and since you seemed dissatisfied some kind of misunderstanding.
I mean, my girlfriend doesn't want to go anywhere else.
You gotta switch us back.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Unless someone gives up their place, I'm afraid that's impossible.
telling me there's nothing you can do? (IN NORWEGIAN) Here one must just accept the birthplace one has been allocated.
That's just the way it is.
(LINE HANGS UP) (SIGHS) Hovland, you will receive an official reprimand.
But Tvedt, your rashness while on duty has been so grievous, that we feel obliged to suspend you for six months.
Suspended? Six months What the hell are you talking about? Thank you for appearing.
Six months? Are you completely out of it? I couldn't tell from 50 meters that it was a goddamn toy gun! Hi, Johnny! Julius Picasso, as I live and breathe! (LAUGHING) (IN NORWEGIAN) No, no, this is just a hobby, you know.
Listen, I know I'm usually here for business, but this time I got something a little more personal.
Oh.
I've been going with a girl.
Sigrid, you know? - The blonde Well, we're gonna have a kid.
Congratulations! (CHUCKLING) Shannon! Shannon, bring us some bubbly water from the basement, please.
- Aw, you don't have to do that.
- We have to celebrate! - Come on, sit down.
- All right, thanks.
I have a little problem with the hospital.
(IN NORWEGIAN) With Lillehammer Hospital? Yeah, they assigned me a male midwife.
When I suggested to them that maybe I wasn't entirely comfortable, you know, with my midwife getting a hard-on during the miracle of birth, (CHUCKLES) They immediately reassigned me to some hospital in Gjøvik.
Well, that's just too bad.
I'm telling you, Juli, if Sigrid finds out, I'm a dead man.
Listen here, Johnny.
You're not goin' to Gjøvik to have your baby.
I'll fix this.
You got that kind ofjuice? My God, yeah, I've sponsored half the department up there.
Salut.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Olav! Come here for a moment.
You really must see about clearing up that forest on your face.
Think you'd better have a word with the tax people.
They've written something funny here Olav Abdullah something.
(IN NORWEGIAN) That's right.
JULIUS: Hmm.
Olav Abdulkarim.
I've changed my name.
Changed your name? Are you crazy? I've converted to Islam.
What the hell are you talking about? FRANK: I gotta go - Thanks for taking care of that thing.
(SIGHS) Woman trouble? No.
(SIGHS) It's my son.
I can't work or anything.
Is it the usual youth sort of thing? Drinking and smashing windows and shit like that? (SIGHS) No, it's worse.
He's become a Muslim.
What's that you say? He has converted to Islam.
Changed his name to "Abdulkarim" or something.
(EXHALES) Just like that out of the blue? When they start with the beards, it all goes wrong.
Fucking (SIGHS) (IN NORWEGIAN) I've had a bit of a tough week myself.
You want another one? (CELL PHONE RINGING) (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (SPITTING) (COUGHING) (EXCLAIMS IN DISBELIEF) Dad! By the way, you remember that couple who were after us in the line at the hospital? with the baby? Oh, yeah, sure.
(IN NORWEGIAN) They've invited us to dinner.
We're leaving! - All right.
Jonas! (DOORBELL RINGS) - (IN NORWEGIAN) Hello! - SIGRID: (IN NORWEGIAN) Hi! Come in.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Go on, Jonas.
I just can't understand what's happened to Anette.
She should have been here an hour ago.
(CRYING) So, you're running the whole operation here? Yeah, since Anette became manager of the mall I've taken extended paternal leave.
That's great.
Yeah.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I haven't regretted it one minute.
(KETTLE HISSING) Right, so that's boiling PER: Could you hold him for a second? (CRYING) Are they supposed to smell like this? - And a coffee, please.
- GIRL: (IN NORWEGIAN) One coffee.
You guys feeling all right? (CROWD AGREES) Wow, look at that.
If you thought Elvis was dead, Well, it's one for the money Two for the show Three to get ready Now go, cat, go But don't you Step on my blue suede shoes - (IN NORWEGIAN) Fuck! - (MUSIC STOPS) (FEEDBACK SQUEALING) (SINGS) (FEEDBACK SQUEALING) Well, I think we'd just better start.
(IN NORWEGIAN) This looks really good.
You can start, Jonas.
(DOOR OPENING) - (IN NORWEGIAN) Hello.
- SIGRID: Hi.
Hello, everyone! Hi.
How lovely.
I made it just in time.
(BABY CRYING) I'm afraid it's a bit cold, but when people aren't on time Per, perhaps we shouldn't start on that old tune now that we have visitors here.
So You've been allocated that midwife, or mid-husband, too, then? Yes, apparently he's supposed to be fantastic.
We're really lucky.
He seemed so nice.
give birth in the neighboring county.
(IN NORWEGIAN) She didn't make it, and ended up giving birth in a taxi.
Excuse me, is there a men's room? Thank you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) This is Julius Backe's answering machine.
Leave a message after the beep.
Juli, it's Johnny.
Again.
What the fuck's going on with my fødeplass? Huh? You're not returning my calls.
I could use some good news on this one.
Call me back.
(BEEPING ON TV) (IN NORWEGIAN) Well, I thought we guys could have a glass.
I think I'll join you.
Are you sure that's such a good idea? What? You think it's natural to share a glass of wine with an embryo, do you? Oh, for crying out loud! Oh! Sometimes! (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) I'm sorry.
I really don't know what's going on.
Maybe you should try having a word with him.
- What? - Me? - I dunno - That would be great.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Go talk to him.
Have a man-to-man talk.
(PER SOBBING) PER: I don't want to talk to you! It's Johnny.
(DOOR UNLOCKING) I just wanna see how you're doing.
Women.
(IN NORWEGIAN) She gets pregnant if I just look at her, and I have to deal with everything on my own.
Yeah, life ain't easy.
(PER SIGHING) Sitting here confiding to you You must excuse me, I just I don't see anyone anymore.
You know what I did? No.
Went to the hospital and cut the tubes.
Come again? Jesus.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Sometimes you just gotta get it all out.
(PER CHUCKLES) - Thank you, Johnny.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- Thank you! - It's okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, just, you know, get it all out.
Okay.
(IN NORWEGIAN) It's rather sad about Per really.
Oh, he's got some issues all right.
And I was talking to Anette to one of your poker nights? Wouldn't that be nice? (FRANK GROANS) Yeah, you can do that.
He has no friends and Yeah, and I know why.
(SIGRID CHUCKLES) What the hell? Why not? He could sure use a shot of testosterone.
Thank you.
Hmm.
(BEEPING ON TV) (SIGHS) Mom had to crash.
That Linnea girl today You kinda liked her, huh? I saw you get all shy and shit when she came around.
Next time you get a little anxiety around a girl, you know, a little intimidated, you look at her, up and down, say to yourself, "Women "are food.
" Yeah.
They are a reward for a man's hard day's work.
Like a good meal.
Why do you think we call them "sugar," "honey," "sweetie," "cupcake"? Am I right? They're our nourishment.
They exist to inspire us.
With those luscious lips, beautiful tits, round, smooth, creamy asses, delicious pussies, all waiting to be tasted, licked, bitten, sucked, savored like a fine wine.
- You get what I'm saying? - Yes.
That's my boy.
Now, go to bed.
Remember what I said.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (RECORD SKIPPING) (TURNS OFF MUSIC) Geir? - Geir.
- (GROANS) (IN NORWEGIAN) Are you okay? (IN NORWEGIAN) Where am I? You're at home.
(WATER RUNNING) (LAILA MUMBLES) (LAILA SIGHS) I saw you at the mall.
(GEIR SIGHS) We've been having a bit of a whip-round at the station There you go.
New York, Memphis.
We want to treat you to a trip to Graceland.
So at least you'll be using your suspension time on something enjoyable.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You've gone and bought a trip for me to Graceland? God damn it, Laila You're the best friend I've got.
(CHUCKLING) There, there.
It's going to be all right.
Get in the shower.
I'll put on some coffee.
(LAILA GROANS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) (SINGING) - Hi.
- Hey, what do you say? Looks like you've got something more than cards on your mind.
I've been trying to reach Julius.
I can't find him.
You seen him around? (IN NORWEGIAN) No.
He's gone to seed since his son ran away.
- His kid ran away? Jesus Christ.
He's supposed to do a thing for me! (LAUGHS) Don't count on it.
Fuck.
- Come on, we got a game.
- Yeah.
Gentlemen, full house.
- Oh! - Huh? Motherfucker.
(FRANK LAUGHING) So much for your beautiful straight.
This is Jan's night, I'll tell you right now.
You son of a (IN NORWEGIAN) Excuse me, boss.
There's a guy here, Per Dahl-something, who says he has an appointment with you.
Oh, shit.
I forgot I invited that guy.
FRANK: Per, how you doin'? (IN NORWEGIAN) Nice to see you again.
Good to see you, my friend.
Sit down, sit down.
Everybody, this is Per.
(COUGHS) Haven't you heard about the smoking law? (FRANK CHUCKLES) In here, we make our own laws.
(ALL LAUGH) Come to play, my friend? The price is 25, come on in.
Get the big spender a drink.
No thanks, I'm biking.
Per, the one night of your life you're off the leash.
One drink.
All right.
I'll have a Baileys.
(ALL LAUGHING) You're beautiful.
Now, here we go, here we go.
(BEEPING) (IN NORWEGIAN) You got all nervous, eh? (JASWINDER CHUCKLES) It's all right.
(BEEPING STOPS) Jaswinder Singh.
Not a terrorist, just a boring Sikh from Drammen.
Nice to meet you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Sorry I looked in your bag.
No worries, you're not the first person who's seen this and thought al-Qaeda.
(BOTH LAUGH) What d'ya say, Geir, shall we have a drink? You people drink? Ah.
(BOTH LAUGH) Three thousand more to you, Renard.
Four hundred Twenty-five Looking a little light, my friend.
Four-hundred and forty I might have to pay a visit to the ATM.
Things are getting serious here.
I'll tell you what I'll loan you 5,000.
You're good for it.
Oh? You're raising me 2,000? (IN NORWEGIAN) Maybe a bit silly to stop now, now that we've really just started.
(CHUCKLES) The guy's got balls.
You gotta give it to him.
Sir, hit me, hit me, hit me.
Motherfucker! (TORGEIR GROANS) Look at him.
Look at this.
(PER EXHALES) I'm gonna do your 2,000 and 3,000 more.
Looks like I'll be needing another loan.
You're already in for five digits, that might be enough.
No way am I gonna fold with this hand! Take this as security.
It's a nice ring, but it's not 3,000 worth.
Tell you what Gimme the fødeplass from the hospital.
Yeah, they transferred us to Gjøvik.
Sigrid likes Lillehammer.
Gimme your fødeplass, we'll call it even.
(IN NORWEGIAN) If that's what it takes for you to give me the money, then so be it.
What have you got? Very impressive.
Full boat, queens over sevens.
Straight flush to the king.
(WHOOPING) Don't worry.
Lots of good hotels on the way to Gjøvik.
(BOTH LAUGH) (IN NORWEGIAN) I don't feel so good.
I think I'll have to go.
(JASWINDER CHUCKLES) (GROANS) That's that one.
I'll put it down there.
Cheers.
"Mental disorder.
" (IN NORWEGIAN) You've got that.
It's gonna be difficult for you to get in I'll go for "no" on that one.
What about this one.
in terrorist activities?" (BOTH LAUGHING) Well, have you? You don't need to answer that, it goes without saying that you are.
"No, but I look that way.
" I was just wondering, when someone's sort of had a bit of experience to do with terrorist activity is this where you're meant to put a cross or what? This is no joking matter.
No, I'm not joking.
Hello? (INAUDIBLE) I'll just put a cross for "yes.
" (CHUCKLES) What the fuck? I see the local artists have paid you a visit, too.
Yes.
Torgeir, Arne, come here.
(ROLF SIGHS) Give the guy a hand.
This would never happen where I come from.
We take care of our own neighborhoods.
You know, concerned citizens get together and talk some sense into the kids.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Oh, you mean like the Night Ravens? So you've got the same kinda thing here.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Just a matter of meeting up down by the city hall.
Night Ravens I like the sound of that.
- So, this is where the Ravens gather? - Sure, sure.
(IN NORWEGIAN) The patrol starts in five minutes.
Okay, okay.
Excuse me (STUTTERS) What are you doing? You don't want the bat slippin' once the game starts.
You know, the main event.
Bustin' heads.
(CHUCKLES) (IN NORWEGIAN) We Night Ravens are 100% non-violent.
How do you expect to get anything done? We talk with them, of course.
You can't talk to bad guys.
You think we would have gotten Saddam if we'd shown up in yellow vests and wanted to chat? (IN NORWEGIAN) With such an attitude I shall have to ask you to hand in the vest.
All right, all right, all right.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) I gotcha! I'm fucking with you.
Just joking.
I'm big on this dialogue stuff.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Well, well, well.
If it's not my favorite midwife! (CHUCKLES) Oh, the juvenile delinquents are out there shaking in their boots tonight with you and grandma on the loose.
Relax.
We just got off on the wrong foot, that's all.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You could say that.
Yeah, but it's all water under the bridge now.
Now that we're back under your care.
What are you talking about? I thought you switched to Gjøvik? Yeah, but we switched back.
A spot opened up.
Who? Remember Per, the male homemaker? Dahl-Thommassen? Yeah.
They decided they prefer Gjøvik.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You can't just switch, it has to be approved by the midwife.
No shit.
WOMAN: (ON PA) We have now arrived at Newark International Airport.
Due to minor technical problems, we will kindly ask you to sit in your seats for a few more minutes.
(GEIR GROANS) (COMPLAINS IN NORWEGIAN) Excuse me, sir.
I need you to stand up and come with us, please.
- Yes.
Is this about the joke? We were just messing around, officer.
Yes.
Unfortunately, there's nobody else laughing, sir.
Please, stand and come with us.
What is Hey! Hey, wait! (IN NORWEGIAN) Help me out here.
Do you know this man? But you know me! Hey, relax! I'm I'm an officer, officer! A number of you were here last year, and know that not everyone respects that this is meant to be non-alcohol and non-drugs "Hip-Hop Against Drugs.
" Isn't that a contradiction? You know, like "Hookers Against Blowjobs"? (LAUGHS) (GUDRUN CHUCKLES) (IN NORWEGIAN) I hope also everyone understands the seriousness of this here.
I've also brought along my signaling whistle today.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) If you hear this it means danger.
In such a case, we'll gather together and form a Night Raven chain.
Understood? That's good, that's great, that's super.
ALL: In, in, in! What do you call it? (IN NORWEGIAN) Uptight.
Sirumpa As in he's got a pole up his ass? Yeah, something like that.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) - (IN NORWEGIAN) Everything all right here? - BOY: (IN NORWEGIAN) Sure.
And what are we drinking tonight? You think you can bother us just 'cause you've put on a fuckin' fluorescent vest? Let's see what you've got.
This is a non-alcoholic event.
Damn little bastards.
How's that dialogue thing going so far? GUDRUN: (IN NORWEGIAN) Boys, this is just not on.
What am I supposed to do? We're only Night Ravens.
(GUDRUN GROANS) Gudrun! (THUDS) You shouldn't be pushing old ladies around.
Come here.
(SVEIN YELLS) (PUNCH THUDS) That's quite a left hook for a midwife.
(CHUCKLES) What kind of Night Ravens are you? The kind you don't wanna fuck with.
(WHISTLES BLOWS) I've seen a great deal of bad stuff over the years, unprovoked violence, bottle-smashing, urinating on public property.
But there's one thing that's worse than all that, a rotten Raven.
something like this from you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) But that you, Svein, are involved This may well end with you both being excluded.
Come on, now.
You know how important the Ravening is for me.
After all, we were provoked.
Perhaps you've not read this? Of course, but "The Night Ravens do not get involved in any trouble, "but call for help if necessary.
" Well, things aren't always that simple Look, Svein here is just trying to cover my ass, all right? He even hurt his elbow trying to stop me.
(CLEARS THROAT) You realize what you are doing here? If you admit that you defied orders from a senior Raven you yourself will have to cover any medical bills and God knows what else from these youths.
I got two last words for you, Mr.
Raven Never-fuckin'-more.
Wake up.
Your identity was confirmed by the embassy.
Come with us.
We only have one more question.
Okay.
Why do you have pictures of American citizens involved in organized crime in your bag? What did you say about this man? Please, answer the question.
(GEIR STAMMERING) It's just a case I'm working on.
- So, you're on duty.
- No, I'm What do you call it? I'm Permitated? But who is he? Organized crime, you say? We're done here.
- You're free to go.
- Hey, wait! AGENT: Sorry, sir.
Mafia? (BOTH GIGGLING) What are you doing here? You've been moved to Gjøvik.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Gjovik? what she's talking about? Oh, no, you're not up to speed.
We switched back.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I haven't heard anything about this.
That's correct.
Another couple wanted to change to Gjøvik, and so Henriksen very kindly offered to change back.
I have the papers here.
HUSTAD: Yes.
Well, it all looks in order.
And it looks like we've really pulled ourselves together here.
That's good.
Yes.
Hope everything's okay.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Yes.
Good to see you again.
- My man.
- (SVEIN CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) - This is going to be exciting.
- Oh, yes.
Have you given any thought as to what you'd prefer? I already have a boy, so it would be nice to have a girl this time.
Well, I'm not betting, but a son will do.
Is there anything wrong? It appears that you both will have your wish come true.
What do you mean? There's both a boy and a girl in here.
(SIGRID EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) (IN NORWEGIAN) Congratulations.
Fuck me.