Lilyhammer (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

The Babysitter

FRANK: I gave you Aldo fucking Delucci.
AGENT BECKER: Not quite.
He's gonna walk.
Fucking FBI.
No wonder the fucking terrorists are winning! ROBERT: You the European cop was looking for some wise guy.
- Is this blackmail? - Definitely.
Where's that piece of shit Frank Tagliano hiding, huh? (GUNSHOT) MAN: (IN NORWEGIAN) May peace be with the memory of Geir Tvedt.
You're going to Norway.
(IN NORWEGIAN) There's something that's not right.
Shit! It's not him.
(CROWD APPLAUDS) Maronna mia! JONAS: (IN NORWEGIAN) Has he been beaten up? He, uh, fell down some stairs.
Why don't you wait over here? Sit down and read some magazines there.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Look how his mother's fussin' over him.
Yeah, Norwegian moms, huh? Let's go.
Look who's here.
- Is it Dad? - No, it's not Dad.
under the weather? (IN NORWEGIAN) I brought along some flowers.
How considerate.
Thank you.
With a vase and everything.
That's really nice.
Huh? (IN NORWEGIAN) They called me Frankie-boy.
"Frankie-boy?" Do you understand this? What did you say? That can't be what they said.
They called me Frank Mom? - Frankie-Mom? - Mom? and then when you have a good hand, you're gonna wanna check to throw the other guys off.
You remember what check means? That's my boy! (IN NORWEGIAN) Right, Jonas.
I've unpacked the pajamas, your toothbrush and your retainer.
And you have to remember to try on the folk costume.
Now, Jonas.
You look so nice in a folk costume.
He needs it for when he's giving his speech on the National Day.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I'm going to miss you.
Relax, Mom.
You're only going for two days.
- You have a good trip.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Goodbye.
Don't worry about a thing.
If we have to stay in this fucking hell-hole much longer, I think I'm gonna go insane.
(SINGING OUTSIDE) Here we go with that fucking song.
All right, all right.
I'll drive into town in a couple of days.
If the coast is clear, we'll make a move.
FRANK: Come on, let me see it.
How bad could it be? Okay.
Pretty bad.
Now, look, can't you just wear it for one day and make her happy? (IN NORWEGIAN) I look like a complete dweeb.
Let's go downtown and get you some real threads.
Come on.
So? (IN NORWEGIAN) There are rumors about two Americans but no one knows where they are.
at the club, huh? And bring the bikers in.
I'm gonna track these cocksuckers.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Is it like you've got a hunch about who they are? (IN NORWEGIAN) I just felt some vibes at the hospital.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Oh! Now, that's what I'm talking about.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Look at that, high society! - You're beautiful.
Look at you! - Yeah! You're gonna get laid tonight.
(IN NORWEGIAN) This is the tenth year I've arranged the Multicultural Fishing Trip so perhaps we should start with a toast? - Cheers.
- Cheers.
This thing here is an incinerating toilet.
It's very simple and practical.
You just take this coffee filter, as I call it, and then you put that here.
Like so.
And then you can poop-whoop or poo-poo, whatever the need be.
We then pack the bag around the excrement.
Then we close the lid and press here.
What's going on? Hello? Let me see.
Fuck! - Did you burn yourself? - It's okay.
(GROANS) I was a graduating senior myself in Stavanger in '89, and I know what it's like.
Life is full of possibilities.
Wild parties.
But there's another side to the coin.
I was introduced by the guys on the bus to something we back then called "ganja.
" Fast forward to '97.
There I am sitting by Oslo Central Station selling my body to be able to afford the next shot.
I was also caught with 20 grams of horse, so I went straight to the slammer.
Yes? I was just wondering, was he very nearsighted, the guy who paid for your butt? (STUDENTS LAUGHING) Hey, girls.
Teddy is here in order to share his story, and I really do think we should treat him with respect.
There's something I want to ask you about.
Did you put any extraneous items in the box of confiscated material from the Americans' hotel room? Of course not.
Why? This was in the box.
- But this is Geir's.
- Yes.
How did the Americans get hold of it? I've no idea, Laila.
But He was in New York when he Oh, my God.
You don't think the Americans might have been involved in what happened to Geir? Damn it.
I didn't think the last Sex and the City movie was too bad myself.
Oh, for Christ's sake! But it was quite funny, wasn't it, when Carrie found Big in the closet? - Wasn't that funny? - No.
I want you to say hello to my friend, Indiana Jonas.
Kid's got more class than all you lowlifes put together.
Look at that suit.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Let me know if you want some liquor in that cola.
So? (IN NORWEGIAN) I started drinking when I was nine.
Ain't done me no harm.
No, no damage.
Except for the brain damage.
(ALL LAUGHING) (IN NORWEGIAN) Johnny? The policewoman is here.
She wants to talk to you.
- (IN NORWEGIAN) Me? - Yeah.
Go ahead.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Take a break, gang.
I have a little meeting over here, all right? A little something for the kids.
Can I get you a drink? (IN NORWEGIAN) No, thank you.
I don't know whether you heard about what happened to my colleague, Geir.
He was doing some investigating concerning you a bit.
we can put that to rest? (IN NORWEGIAN) Well, now we're looking for two Americans who have been involved in several incidents, and we've confiscated something from them connecting them to Geir.
My theory is that you're the link to the two Americans.
don't you think, Officer? (IN NORWEGIAN) I know you're hiding something, Johnny.
I just know.
Well, I can't help you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Call me, then, Johnny.
Here's our dinner, girls! "Jan always catches us.
" Come on, let's make dinner.
So, are we hungry? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Didn't hear? - Yes, already.
- Can't we just start, Jan? - Yes.
Potatoes and There you go.
Just pass it round.
- It looks good.
- Could you pass the fish, Jan? (YUSUF EXCLAIMS) - What's going on? - I don't know.
What on Earth? Are you a complete numbskull? I told you the lid must be down.
Was that so fucking difficult to understand? (SPEAKING MIDDLE EASTERN DIALECT) How would I know this sh You're an ass, man.
Don't give me that Don't give me that.
Yusuf! (YELLING) Yusuf! Yusuf! Yusuf! Wait a minute.
How did you win that much dough with this shit hand? Shit hand? (IN NORWEGIAN) You were bidding like a savage.
Were you bluffing me? I tried to warn you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You sneaky little devil.
You just keep doing what you're doing.
You're doing great.
I don't know how much you've heard about our problem.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I heard it was something about Arne.
No, you've gotta be kidding! You think I'm gonna fall for that again? If those swine are still in town, then we'll find them.
I promise you that.
I was hoping you'd say that.
You tell your guys, they bring those motherfuckers here, - ten grand each.
- You got it.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I see you and raise by 500.
- Then I see you - Okay.
and I'm going all in.
Listen to this kid.
"All in.
" Okay.
I've got a diamond flush.
Chew on that, now.
But, doesn't a full house beat a flush, actually? Let me see.
(LAUGHING) (IN NORWEGIAN) But now you've done all you can, Jan.
He'll probably show up soon.
You know what it'll look like in the media.
Come on.
If he snuffs it.
Think of all the walking he's been doing in the mountains in Afghanistan.
This is not Afghanistan.
I finally got through to him.
He's almost reached home.
That's great.
I told you so.
We need something to calm down with.
- Aisha? - Thank you, but I don't drink.
Oh? - Sigrid? - I'm pregnant remember, Jan.
I think I'm going to bed.
Already? Yes.
You should try to get some sleep, too.
- Yes.
- Good night, Jan.
Good night.
(EXCLAIMS) (MEN LAUGHING) It's Arne's mother.
She worked as a model when she was younger.
- Is that Arne's mother? - Yes.
So Arne used to lie and suckle on those when he was small? Ain't the worst way to start life, is it? Hugh Hefner's childhood sweetheart? (IN NORWEGIAN) Don't you recognize her? It's our doorman's mother.
can I have a word with you? - Hmm.
- Come here.
When an employee gets hurt, you bring him a fruit basket.
You don't put their mother's picture on the wall with her tits hanging out.
Okay, boss.
Come on, you.
You've seen enough for one day.
Give the lady a fruit-basket by all means, but she stays on the wall.
She's good-Iooking.
JAN: (IN NORWEGIAN) Take it! Take another little piece of my heart My heart, my heart Jan? Jan! Jan! - Are you all right? - Yes.
I'm just listening to my iPod.
You're singing a bit loud.
People are having trouble sleeping.
I'm sorry.
No problem, just keep it down.
This trip's been a complete failure.
No, everyone enjoyed themselves and the dinner was great.
- Yeah? - You were just singing a bit loudly.
Why don't you come and sit down, Sigrid? I'm really tired.
Five minutes.
You know how many immigrants I've fixed jobs and accommodation? No, I don't, Jan.
Four-hundred and fifty-nine.
And not one single fucking Christmas card.
Oh, Jan.
I'm just so fucking Ionely.
How about going to bed now, then we can talk more in the morning? It's the kind of girl like you I should have had.
We could've had things so pretty and nice together.
I think you're a little drunk now.
I have a boyfriend, I'm pregnant, you're not interested in me.
Yeah, Johnny-boy.
Oh, yes.
Some guy you've got yourself there.
Okay? What's that supposed to mean? You can ask him how those bullet holes ended up in this door here.
What are you talking about? Has he been here? - No.
- No? Say what you were about to say.
Just forget it.
You can't just - Fuck.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, Sigrid.
- That's all right.
- I'll find something to wipe that up.
- No, no.
Go to bed.
Jesus Christ.
(SINGING) Beautiful, baby! Beautiful! - Hi, boss! - Hey! (IN NORWEGIAN) You've got to come outside, Roy has a surprise for you.
I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I can tell you that it's two guys you've been looking for for a while.
Surprise, my friend.
Wrong guys.
What? Wrong? Are you sure? You really think these tulips could have beat up Arnie? Look at them.
Pink underwear! Well, what are we gonna do now? Get rid of them.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) You mean No, no, no.
Just drop them out of town somewhere and compensate them for ruining their honeymoon.
Let me help you out there, ladies.
GIRL 1: Wow! It's a talent.
You want to join us? Bit early, I have to say, but yeah.
What the hell, right? Thanks.
We're doing this stunt.
We're going to run naked around the lake.
(GIRLS CHUCKLING) And we need to prove that we really did it.
So would you mind taking photos? Absolutely not.
Okay, ready to go.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Not quite.
I'm working on the National Day speech.
What's it all about? (IN NORWEGIAN) It's about us in Norway being fortunate, and that others, in Africa, haven't got it as good.
Africa? Let them get their own National Day.
This is about Norwegian pride, am I right? You don't want people thinking you're a hippie, commie pussy, do you? Of course not.
Give me that pen.
Let's do a little rewrite here.
It's going to be good.
(GIRLS SCREAMING) It's all good in town.
Let's go do what we came here to do.
No, no, no, look, I promised theses girls I'd take their photo.
You have been anxious to do this since we got here, now you don't want to go.
Guess we can wait a few minutes.
Fuck, look at that piece of ass.
Some really good pictures here, I'll tell you that.
(GIGGLES) We're going to this party.
You guys want to come? Sorry, miss, we got plans.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
Are you fucking nuts? - We'll go for a while.
- Thank you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Why, it's you? Yes, we just wanted to show that we're thinking of you and Arne.
This is too much The bananas would have been enough.
It didn't cost that much.
Won't you come in? I'm supposed to Yeah, why not? Hello.
Fucking wicked party, right? Are you supposed to be a grad or what? Am I grad? Of course I am.
Can't recall having seen you at Lillehammer High.
No, I'm at Mesna.
Oh, really? Who've you got for gym, then? Gym? Can't remember his name.
Crazy guy.
We call him The Toad.
The gym teacher there's a woman.
Woman? Doesn't look like one.
What is it with this place? Hey, wait.
Come in.
I'm having a marathon today.
Had to take a day off after all the stress.
That Samantha ain't right in the head.
She's crazy.
I like her myself.
We girls don't stop having needs just because we grow older, you know.
I know that.
I was going to be a model, I was.
I know that.
Hmm? Yeah, I've seen a picture.
Of you.
Have you been checking me out on the web? No.
I came across something.
Some pictures.
- Did you like what you saw? - Yeah.
Do you like what you see now? (LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) This is Torgeir's answering machine.
Are you and Johnny still looking for those Americans? You need to get down to the Olympic park pretty damn quick.
Good morning, kids.
Are you all right? Yeah, Mommy.
I think you should get yourself home to Mommy now.
Come on.
Get up.
(TAPPING ON CAR) Look what we have here, Laila.
Hi, there.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Are you wearing your grad suit? Yeah, so? Ain't that a bit lame? Lame, my ass.
Nothing wrong with a party, you know.
(IN NORWEGIAN) The cops took them away ten minutes ago.
- Fuck.
- Come on.
Hey, up and around already, huh? That's my boy.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Ain't missing the National Day, you know.
What the fuck is that? That.
Who hung that up? Torgeir, why? It's my mother.
It's Mom! That's my mother, God damn it.
take it easy, take it easy.
I couldn't have known that.
Never would have allowed it.
Here you go.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Fuck this.
Sorry about that.
You match the description of the guys who had a violent incident at the gas station.
Says who? Now, tell me, how did you meet my colleague, Geir Tvedt in New York? We got no idea what you're talking about, all right? We found this in your hotel room.
So, fucking what? I bought it on eBay.
(LAUGHS) I have a strong feeling that you two know what happened to my friend.
Excuse me.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You can't just keep them here without a formal charge.
Hans is trying to find the witnesses now, but it is the National Day.
Yes, their lawyer called me in the middle of my breakfast.
He's furious.
This is a special situation, Arve.
Very well, but I'm arranging a sack-race for the grandchildren, and don't have time to sit on the telephone all day covering up your mistakes.
Listen to me.
I think they know something about what happened to Geir.
Have you taken leave of your senses? Geir got shot while he was buying drugs in New York.
These two are to be released now.
At this station we adhere to protocol.
Hey, good luck finding the guys who stole the Elvis-wannabe's fanny pack.
Hey, how did you know he was interested in Elvis? Answer my question! Get your fucking hands off me! (IN NORWEGIAN) Today we celebrate the coming together of the Eidsvoll men in 1814 and their founding of the society we are a part of today.
A society that is one of the finest in the whole world.
(RINGING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Words like openness and tolerance were important to the founding fathers.
Turn that phone off.
We are now a nation where many cultures live side by side, so this is more and more important to remember.
Can't you shut off that phone? You can't leave it on.
- Laila Hovland here.
The Police Chief.
Okay, and what's it about? I've been trying to get a hold of your boss.
The thing is that we've got two Americans here whom I suspect you lot would like to talk to.
If we're suspected of something, you need to talk to our lawyer.
I can't help you at all there.
It's not like that.
I'm trying to warn you.
They're being released now.
But, why do you want to help us? I don't like your boss, but these two are worse.
Just get a move on.
They're leaving as we speak.
Did you really think you'd get away with it? With what? With what? You don't do things like that to a pal when he's flat out in hospital.
That was my mother! I really understand how you're feeling.
I've had a rotten conscience about that thing.
But older women have needs, too, and I'm just a man of flesh and blood.
I have my needs.
One thing led to another What are you on about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? The picture, of course.
Oh, yes, of course.
What's with the picture? Are you standin' there sayin' Are you standin' there sayin' that you've screwed my mother? I'm not sayin' anything, am I.
Defend yourself! (GROANS) Defend yourself! I don't fight injured people.
Yes, tolerance is all very well, but we mustn't forget that this is our National Day.
And even though we Norwegians have a big heart and let in many immigrants, we have to make sure that these new immigrants offer something more to the country than crime, poverty, ignorance, and a desire to suck up the national wealth with straws.
(IN NORWEGIAN) On a day like this, it's important to give a thought to those who fight for Norway on a daily basis.
I'm thinking of our allies on the other side of the Atlantic.
Without support from the USA, we would be speaking German or be a province of the Soviet Union.
Congratulations on this day and God bless Norway! Defend yourself! Congratulations.
Defend yourself! I'm proud of you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) We're going to talk about that speech when we get home.
Johnny helped me with it.
Hey, Jan! Hi, congratulations on the day.
- Likewise.
- Sit down.
- No, I'd better - Two minutes? Come.
Yes? I was so curious about the bullet holes you told me about.
that Johnny made them.
Yeah, the moose hunt, remember? (IN NORWEGIAN) Moose, isn't that in the fall? Yeah (IN NORWEGIAN) Well, now, I'm granted exemption rights on my own land, so then I invited Johnny along.
It was a really nice trip.
Very nice.
Oh, it was wonderful.
(IN NORWEGIAN) So those Those bullet holes came from the hunt? Amusing story.
We locked ourselves out, so Johnny here shot the lock up.
(LAUGHS) that you were so good friends.
Me and Jan? Best of buddies.
Yes, you bet.
You know, Jan, you got a big fucking mouth.
I'm really sorry about that.
But I got us out of it.
Yeah, I'll give you that.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I've realized that you're a fellow it's okay to be on the same team with.
definitely improved, I like that.
You know what, I've been doing some spring cleaning, I don't think I'll be needing these anymore.
Thanks a lot.
Easy now.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Now I'm really feeling that good National Day mood.
- Yeah, I appreciate that.
- Thank you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Is there something wrong with your telephone? I've called you a hundred times.
during Jonas' speech, why? It's a very short story.
But, not now.
The police called and said the Americans are to be released.
Then what are you doing here? I don't know.
Why aren't you following them? I was supposed to, but then Arne came in and put my head into some porridge.
You mentally unbalanced? Huh? We may not get this chance again.
What am I supposed to do? Try and find them.
And beef up security.
Got it.
Take care of that face.
Oh, marone, what a moron.
(JAN SINGING FOLK SONG) JAN: (IN NORWEGIAN) Now I suggest a toast to our fantastic and generous host, Johnny.
Hey, listen.
Cheers, Johnny! (CHEERING) GIRL: Jerry! (BUS HONKS) - Did you get him? - I don't think so.
God damn horn.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What was that loud bang? Must have been a firecracker.
I think it is.
I'll go check the front.
It's time to make Tagliano come to us.
Son of a bitch.