Lilyhammer (2011) s03e02 Episode Script
Foreign Affairs
Could you at least help me a bit? My fingers get so cold.
Is that so? Anyway, I'll see you later.
What the? Do you mind if I take that? I've always had a thing for pink gold.
Hollywood star and animal lover Hayden Panettiere posted a blog today claiming the Norwegian authorities are not doing enough to help Heikki the whale.
What do you think? Bloody hell.
A Norwegian was arrested in Brazil for drug smuggling.
Thirty-eight-year-old Roar Lien from Lillehammer was arrested this morning.
Brazilian authorities maintain that Lien planned to use a wedding cruise as a front to smuggle 10 kilos of cocaine.
Hi, it's great to see you all.
Welcome to today's anger management class.
How are you? Hi, there.
I see you've started.
This is Muhammad.
He'll be joining our anger management class.
Hi.
It's great to meet all of you.
People often feel intimidated when they encounter us Muslims.
So I thought I'd start off with a little joke.
What do you say to a Muslim with his hand stuck up a camel's ass? "Engine trouble?" That's a good one.
This man isn't a real Muslim.
I understand what you're saying.
I can speak Arabic.
Then maybe you'll understand this: tell one more racist joke and I'll cut your balls off! No, Rashid! Stop it.
We have agreed that in this group we would all speak Norwegian.
Okay? So Maybe you'd like to tell us how you ended up here? Sure.
The thing is I killed a wonderful girl whose name is was Randi.
We had some professional differences.
And I completely lost it.
So watch out, Rashid! I'm just kidding.
I was just joking.
It's important to be able to joke around about something as serious as murder.
Yeah.
Does anyone else here feel a little angry? Would anyone like to share anything with us? Listen, partner.
MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS Welcome.
Torgeir Lien.
Follow me.
You have our deepest sympathy.
- We are doing everything we can to help.
- I appreciate it.
You heard him.
Don't touch him! You fucking hippie! lam calm.
lam calm.
I'm calm.
No more trouble from you today, okay? and in our involvement Helicopter? The only way back to the sea is across the mainland.
How much will this operation cost? Seriously? Forget about it.
You don't understand-- I need you to come with me.
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
How do you feel about this? Do you miss your brother? You could say that I love him.
A strong indictment of Norwegian crisis management.
Back to the studio.
Ida, book two tickets to Rio.
I've been eating kebabs for 20 years.
No, she's the other one.
Your heart is pounding like a herd of wild bulls.
Oh, God! You wrote The Half Sister screenplay? How did you come up with all that? I smoked a lot of crack back then.
Awesome, dude.
Awesome.
I am not a woman.
Hector's coming! Look! Our cleaning lady looks just like Hector Rossi.
Check it out.
Hector has a double.
It was the gringo.
Fight! Fight! You will die.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Pie question! Pie question! Pie question! Okay, guys.
I'll give you the pie question.
- The subject is history, all right? - Yes.
"Which royal house did Henry VIII belong to?" What kind of a question is that? I could be of help with that question if you need another player.
I just got some bad vibes, guys.
Did I say something wrong? Don't you recognize me? No.
Two thousand six.
Case 17B.
Permanent disability benefits.
Denied by caseworker Johansen.
You had much longer hair back then.
A lot was different back then.
Can't we let bygones be bygones? That was almost 10 years ago.
Let's play some other time, guys.
Oh, God.
As long as you're not angry at me, I will not worry about any other difficulties.
But PRAYER ROOM - Everyone has a right-- - Shut up! No fake Muslims allowed.
Hi, Dad.
In the hospital? But how? Why is he in hospital? I'll grab a taxi.
See you in a bit.
How nice.
Look at the little girl.
Unit 3.
Take him there.
Mariana, my love.
Tell me more about your lovely legs.
The gringo was sent to the sex offender unit.
Try Unit 2.
Hi.
Is everything all right? No.
We'll take care of this.
We will.
Don't worry.
We're meeting some really important people tomorrow.
I'm never getting out of here.
Don't talk like that.
Don't! What's that? I'm never getting out of here.
Wagner sent this death message.
- He's coming for me.
- Who's Wagner? Please, just He's going to Roar! Torgeir! I'm so scared, Torgeir! I'm so scared! We're going to get you out of here! We're going to get you out! Are you going to the beach? Do you intend to meet Anton Ortiz in shorts? These are zip-off pants.
I'll put on the bottom part before I meet him.
- I'm not an idiot! - Of course not.
Activists have taken to the streets today to protest against whaling after a beached whale was found in pro-whaling Norway.
- Is this a capoeira party? - This is no capoeira party.
Why are you in Brazil? You have no right to treat whales like this.
What a bunch of idiots! In there.
Let's bring Ortiz in through the back door.
- The meeting has been canceled.
- What? Ortiz wants no contact with Norway as long as the negative attention continues.
Ida, call the press office.
It's time to put out some fires.
Yes, hello? It will feel good to burn off some steam after a day like today.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? We're closed.
I haven't "snooped around" anywhere.
And now I want you to leave.
I don't speak English.
And now over to Vesterålen, where things are starting to happen.
These images show military helicopters on their way to bring Heikki the whale to safety.
All you do is watch TV all day.
Don't you know those wild animals need fresh air? Can't you take her? It's freezing out there! I realize it's hard to leave your life in Oslo.
But enough is enough.
There's more life in that beached whale than you! Undersecretary Rolv Ekern had this to say.
We were glad to have an opportunity to show our support for the animal's welfare.
I didn't say a word to that woman.
We'll get them, Laila.
Try to get some nourishment.
Arne, you do realize we'll have to seek revenge today? The boss told us to stay put.
You're in charge.
You have a job to do.
Do you think Johnny would let them get away with this? No way! Fine.
I'll call one of the boys.
Are you okay? Hello.
Where are they? I thought you said they would be here.
They must be nearby.
Maybe we should get a massage while we wait so we don't look too suspicious.
I think you're right.
Hi, faggot.
Arne, get the hell out of here! Shit! Get out of here! They're leaving.
Did you get yourself a new belt? A ladies' belt? Have you changed your perfume? We thought Heikki the beached whale was a problem, but he was a challenge.
Here is Tormod from Greenpeace to tell you more.
Heikki was severely dehydrated.
Heikki was in pain.
We kept him here to bring him back to health, step by step.
Thanks to international pressure and hard work by Greenpeace, Heikki is now ready to be freed! I know many of you were thrilled to hear Hayden Panettiere would be coming.
Unfortunately, Hayden was double-booked.
She also had to be on Letterman and we have to respect that.
But we have a worthy replacement, the whale's namesake, Heikki Holmås! The movie Free Willy made an environmentalist out of me.
So it is a great honor for me to be here with you today.
To me, socialism is about everyone having equal opportunities.
When Heikki was beached, he didn't have the same opportunities as other whales.
Now, thanks to a team effort, Heikki once again has those opportunities! Let Heikki live! Good luck, Heikki! Fantastic! Historic! Christ! I knew this was a shit idea, Roy.
Relax.
Those Balts have no idea who we are.
Is that so? Anyway, I'll see you later.
What the? Do you mind if I take that? I've always had a thing for pink gold.
Hollywood star and animal lover Hayden Panettiere posted a blog today claiming the Norwegian authorities are not doing enough to help Heikki the whale.
What do you think? Bloody hell.
A Norwegian was arrested in Brazil for drug smuggling.
Thirty-eight-year-old Roar Lien from Lillehammer was arrested this morning.
Brazilian authorities maintain that Lien planned to use a wedding cruise as a front to smuggle 10 kilos of cocaine.
Hi, it's great to see you all.
Welcome to today's anger management class.
How are you? Hi, there.
I see you've started.
This is Muhammad.
He'll be joining our anger management class.
Hi.
It's great to meet all of you.
People often feel intimidated when they encounter us Muslims.
So I thought I'd start off with a little joke.
What do you say to a Muslim with his hand stuck up a camel's ass? "Engine trouble?" That's a good one.
This man isn't a real Muslim.
I understand what you're saying.
I can speak Arabic.
Then maybe you'll understand this: tell one more racist joke and I'll cut your balls off! No, Rashid! Stop it.
We have agreed that in this group we would all speak Norwegian.
Okay? So Maybe you'd like to tell us how you ended up here? Sure.
The thing is I killed a wonderful girl whose name is was Randi.
We had some professional differences.
And I completely lost it.
So watch out, Rashid! I'm just kidding.
I was just joking.
It's important to be able to joke around about something as serious as murder.
Yeah.
Does anyone else here feel a little angry? Would anyone like to share anything with us? Listen, partner.
MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS Welcome.
Torgeir Lien.
Follow me.
You have our deepest sympathy.
- We are doing everything we can to help.
- I appreciate it.
You heard him.
Don't touch him! You fucking hippie! lam calm.
lam calm.
I'm calm.
No more trouble from you today, okay? and in our involvement Helicopter? The only way back to the sea is across the mainland.
How much will this operation cost? Seriously? Forget about it.
You don't understand-- I need you to come with me.
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
How do you feel about this? Do you miss your brother? You could say that I love him.
A strong indictment of Norwegian crisis management.
Back to the studio.
Ida, book two tickets to Rio.
I've been eating kebabs for 20 years.
No, she's the other one.
Your heart is pounding like a herd of wild bulls.
Oh, God! You wrote The Half Sister screenplay? How did you come up with all that? I smoked a lot of crack back then.
Awesome, dude.
Awesome.
I am not a woman.
Hector's coming! Look! Our cleaning lady looks just like Hector Rossi.
Check it out.
Hector has a double.
It was the gringo.
Fight! Fight! You will die.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Pie question! Pie question! Pie question! Okay, guys.
I'll give you the pie question.
- The subject is history, all right? - Yes.
"Which royal house did Henry VIII belong to?" What kind of a question is that? I could be of help with that question if you need another player.
I just got some bad vibes, guys.
Did I say something wrong? Don't you recognize me? No.
Two thousand six.
Case 17B.
Permanent disability benefits.
Denied by caseworker Johansen.
You had much longer hair back then.
A lot was different back then.
Can't we let bygones be bygones? That was almost 10 years ago.
Let's play some other time, guys.
Oh, God.
As long as you're not angry at me, I will not worry about any other difficulties.
But PRAYER ROOM - Everyone has a right-- - Shut up! No fake Muslims allowed.
Hi, Dad.
In the hospital? But how? Why is he in hospital? I'll grab a taxi.
See you in a bit.
How nice.
Look at the little girl.
Unit 3.
Take him there.
Mariana, my love.
Tell me more about your lovely legs.
The gringo was sent to the sex offender unit.
Try Unit 2.
Hi.
Is everything all right? No.
We'll take care of this.
We will.
Don't worry.
We're meeting some really important people tomorrow.
I'm never getting out of here.
Don't talk like that.
Don't! What's that? I'm never getting out of here.
Wagner sent this death message.
- He's coming for me.
- Who's Wagner? Please, just He's going to Roar! Torgeir! I'm so scared, Torgeir! I'm so scared! We're going to get you out of here! We're going to get you out! Are you going to the beach? Do you intend to meet Anton Ortiz in shorts? These are zip-off pants.
I'll put on the bottom part before I meet him.
- I'm not an idiot! - Of course not.
Activists have taken to the streets today to protest against whaling after a beached whale was found in pro-whaling Norway.
- Is this a capoeira party? - This is no capoeira party.
Why are you in Brazil? You have no right to treat whales like this.
What a bunch of idiots! In there.
Let's bring Ortiz in through the back door.
- The meeting has been canceled.
- What? Ortiz wants no contact with Norway as long as the negative attention continues.
Ida, call the press office.
It's time to put out some fires.
Yes, hello? It will feel good to burn off some steam after a day like today.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? We're closed.
I haven't "snooped around" anywhere.
And now I want you to leave.
I don't speak English.
And now over to Vesterålen, where things are starting to happen.
These images show military helicopters on their way to bring Heikki the whale to safety.
All you do is watch TV all day.
Don't you know those wild animals need fresh air? Can't you take her? It's freezing out there! I realize it's hard to leave your life in Oslo.
But enough is enough.
There's more life in that beached whale than you! Undersecretary Rolv Ekern had this to say.
We were glad to have an opportunity to show our support for the animal's welfare.
I didn't say a word to that woman.
We'll get them, Laila.
Try to get some nourishment.
Arne, you do realize we'll have to seek revenge today? The boss told us to stay put.
You're in charge.
You have a job to do.
Do you think Johnny would let them get away with this? No way! Fine.
I'll call one of the boys.
Are you okay? Hello.
Where are they? I thought you said they would be here.
They must be nearby.
Maybe we should get a massage while we wait so we don't look too suspicious.
I think you're right.
Hi, faggot.
Arne, get the hell out of here! Shit! Get out of here! They're leaving.
Did you get yourself a new belt? A ladies' belt? Have you changed your perfume? We thought Heikki the beached whale was a problem, but he was a challenge.
Here is Tormod from Greenpeace to tell you more.
Heikki was severely dehydrated.
Heikki was in pain.
We kept him here to bring him back to health, step by step.
Thanks to international pressure and hard work by Greenpeace, Heikki is now ready to be freed! I know many of you were thrilled to hear Hayden Panettiere would be coming.
Unfortunately, Hayden was double-booked.
She also had to be on Letterman and we have to respect that.
But we have a worthy replacement, the whale's namesake, Heikki Holmås! The movie Free Willy made an environmentalist out of me.
So it is a great honor for me to be here with you today.
To me, socialism is about everyone having equal opportunities.
When Heikki was beached, he didn't have the same opportunities as other whales.
Now, thanks to a team effort, Heikki once again has those opportunities! Let Heikki live! Good luck, Heikki! Fantastic! Historic! Christ! I knew this was a shit idea, Roy.
Relax.
Those Balts have no idea who we are.