Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s04e13 Episode Script

Okay, if we're going to keep this church renovation on schedule we need a checklist.
Did you order the two-by-fours? Yes.
Look, Yousef, you've got to work on your English, okay? Okay.
No, no, no.
When I'm going down the checklist, - you say "check".
- Okay.
No, like me.
Check.
- Yes.
- Check.
Okay.
- Check! - Yes, okay.
People, people, listen to yourselves! Yes.
Check.
Okay.
Yes.
Can't we just agree to agree? Oh my God, it's Lois Kettlebaum! The self-help psychologist.
- Oh! Ms.
Kettlebaum! - Guilty as charged.
- Oh! I am your biggest fan! - Oh, aren't you darling.
- What a darling thing to say! - Oh, so Oh, I can't believe it's you.
I've read all your books.
Oh, "Get Out Of Your Own Way, Idiot" or "Get Over Yourself, Stupid".
- Calm down, sweetie! - "Calm Down, Sweetie", that's my favourite! Oh, aren't you adorable! And what a charming town.
- I always love passing through - Mercy.
Mercy! On my way to a book signing in - Regina.
- Regina.
Now you're teasing, Dobbs! - I don't suppose I could have a - An autograph? - Dobbs, eight-by-tens, please.
- Wow! I don't know what I would do without Fluffy? Fluffy! Fluffykins! Mr.
Fluffykins? Fluffykins! Fluffykins! Mr.
Fluffy Pants! Dobbs, he was on the seat! You go find him.
If you cannot find him, you'll end up like I found you: as a high school French teacher! Zut alors! Season 4 Episode 13 The Letter That was one hell of an interfaith council meeting.
But we didn't accomplish anything.
What are you, kidding? We covered the church renovation, the confirmation classes, and next week's baptism.
But you spent an hour on gossip.
And you know who gossiped the most? That Marjorie.
She is such a cow.
Mrs.
Wispinski.
That was an interesting meeting.
Well, thank you! Oh, Amaar, I forgot to give you your mail.
Now, you can tell yours from the Reverend's because his doesn't have any final notices.
Thank you.
Ugh, bill bill Hate mail from Fred.
Oh, what's this? "This is to confirm a positive result regarding paternity.
" What? - I made a mistake.
-Yes, and this confirms it.
This isn't for me.
"Reverend William Thorne"? The Reverend is having a child.
The Father is a father! I can't bear the thoughts of my poor little Fluffy alone in this strange, strange place.
- Oh, well, should I go look for him? - Don't you dare! I can't bear the thoughts of me alone in this strange, strange place! And you are? The proprietor of this strange, strange place.
Fatima, this is Lois Kettlebaum.
The Lois Kettlebaum.
I am Fatima Dinssa.
A Fatima Dinssa.
- There were many in my family.
- Oh, easy to remember.
- So, what can I get you? - Nothing, dear, I'm not hungry.
My poor little Fluffy is missing! - It's okay.
- Do you have pie? We have raisin, lemon, blueberry Just bring me one of each.
A la mode.
Fluffy! Lois Kettlebaum! Is that really you? I am your biggest fan! - Oh autograph? - Ooh, please.
All right.
To my dear dear friend Mrs.
Hobbs.
How do you spell that? - M-R-S - I got that part! - Oh.
H-O - You know what, you can fill in the rest.
To the bomb, from the Kettlebaum.
- Oh! Thank you so much! - You're welcome.
Ugh, the public! They'll never leave me alone, Shannon! - Oh, no, it's Sarah.
- Whatever.
- Would you like me to leave you alone? - No, no! Don't you do that! I need you! You're like the sister I never had.
- Oh - Well, that's not it.
- You're like the friend I never had.
- Oh, that's good.
That's not it.
You're like the personal assistant I never had.
Wow! Well, if you feel that way, would you mind giving me a little advice? Fluffy! My poor, poor Fluffy! Ohh, pie.
Okay, I'm just going to tell him that I accidentally opened his mail! A perfectly reasonable mistake.
- There's no way he could be upset.
- There's no way he could not be upset.
I have to tell him or I won't feel right.
So you're going to tell him that you read his private letter that states he has a child out of wedlock.
Better yet.
You tell him.
- But I don't wan - Hallelujah Amaar.
Rayyan.
What are you doing in the hallway? Nothing.
Just, uh - nothing.
- Not much.
And yet your mosque is not a roaring success? How odd.
Excuse me.
Java calling.
And we're worried about protecting that man's feelings? - We have to.
- Of course we do.
But you've got to admit it is tempting.
You have some pretty good ammunition to use against Thorne here.
Wait a second.
We don't have to tell him! All we have to do is just toss that letter on his desk and hopefully he won't notice that it's open.
Ah! I guess you wanted that in one piece, huh? So that's me.
My husband's in Lebanon with his mother, and my daughter moved out.
What should I do? I I feel a a bit lost.
Lost? Like Fluffy? Like my poor Fluff Mrs.
Hobbs' impossible lies are true? Lois Kettlebaum is here! In the flesh.
In the gooseflesh.
Well, it's so nice to be recognized.
And by such a tall, dark, and handsome man.
I am your biggest fan.
I even have your book, - "Children: The Necessary Evil".
- Aw.
This has been such a help in dealing with my thankless child.
Oh, the, uh, library won't like that too much.
Um, do you have time to give me some advice? Oh, Dr.
Kettlebaum is way too worried about her dog to give anyone advice.
I'd be delighted.
Please join us.
What about my advice? Your advice? Don't be silly, no one wants your advice.
- Just hold my book.
- What? Wait! That looks nothing like the original envelope.
Thorne wouldn't know that.
I'm just going to, uh, toss it on his desk Rayyan, always a pleasure.
Amaar! What are you doing in my office? Well, uh I we were here to talk to you about the, uh the - The interfaith council! - Interfaith council! Oh, yeah, that.
What do you want to say about it? Well, I, uh, think it should be expanded.
Pardon me? And I think it should be disbanded.
Really? Huh.
Well, why would you say that, Rayyan? Well, we're just not getting anything done.
I agree.
Yes, but the council is meant to bring Christians and Muslims together.
I mean, isn't that the kind of thing you're always going on about, Amaar? - Well, it is.
- Yeah.
And it isn't.
That is to say that I have and I have not Uh, Rayyan has a point.
Really? Then why do you want to expand it? Why-y-y do I-I-I want to expand it? That's a good question and I'm going to answer that question with a question.
Why not? Why not! Why not, indeed.
Yes, why not.
Since the council's doing nothing, we obviously need more people to do it! - Hm? - Y-yes, in a manner of speaking.
However, you know, Reverend, I think that if I really mull it over, then no! Because, you know, in summation no! No.
Ah.
You obviously feel very strongly about this.
- I do.
- Hm.
Reverend Thorne, the choir's working up a new folk hymn for you.
And wait until you hear "Onward Christian Soldiers" on the ukulele! - Ha, ukulele, delightful! - Ha! Ukulele.
It's almost like a musical instrument, but smaller and more Hawaiian.
Well, you sound like a wonderful father.
I do, don't I? And you You are a very discerning woman.
No, no, your wife is a very discerning woman.
- My wife left me.
- Very discerning.
So you're a bachelor? Footloose and fancy pants and swinging it old school.
Go on, Mr.
Fancy Pants.
I could listen to you speak all day! Ooh! - Mm-hmm! - Ohh Fluffy! Fluffy.
You looking for a body shop? No, it's a dog! An adorable dog with a diamond-studded collar.
Diamond-studded.
Cool! Yeah, I have to get it back to the boss lady.
Shouldn't you have a leash? Well, of course I Leash Leash! I'll be right back.
Whoa, Cujo, what you got there? Diamond collar.
Oh no.
Baber, my dear, sweet man.
Here's my free advice: keep on keeping on.
Be yourself.
Make the world accept you for who you are.
I cannot express my delight at meeting such a friendly, and aesthetically pleasing famous person.
Baber, what is wrong with you? This is last call for Lois, Sandra, don't ruin it for me.
It's Sarah! - Whatever! - Huh! You make me blush, Baber.
You are so unlike most celebrities.
Of course, as you know, many of them are Jews.
Excuse me? Okay, Baber, maybe now's the time to change the subject.
What's wrong with Jews? As my uncle Bandar always says, Jews are mean people and that they control the world's events! Who do you think is responsible for bike lanes? Excuse me, Baber, I happen to be Jewish.
Oh no, no, sister, uh excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Do you know that woman is Jewish? Isn't that odd? Excuse me? I happen to be Jewish.
No, no, brother, uh, excuse me.
- Fred, - Hm? did you know there are two Jews in the room? Could this be part of the conspiracy to steal our souls and smoke our meat? Oh, don't tell me you're Jewish also.
Me? A Red Sea pedestrian? Huh! No thanks.
Got no time for 'em.
Muslims either, for that matter.
I feel exactly the same way, only replace Muslims with white people.
Believe me, I'd love to.
Are you sure this is going to get the coffee off? Positive.
And then we dry it and return it to Thorne.
Flawless plan.
Okay, so I just, uh, dip it in the water like this? Yes, that's it.
Gently.
Flawless plan.
Yeah, and then I, uh Yeah, yeah! See? Coffee's coming off.
Flawless plan.
Sure is! It's good.
Oh.
Oh no.
So is the ink.
Well, I think we found a flaw in your plan.
Ugh, what an awful man.
What an awful café.
What an awful town! What a lovely house! - Oh Sar - rah.
R-r-ah.
Oh, Sarah, I don't know how I could have gotten through this day without you! Oh, that's sweet, but you know, the town's not so bad once you get to know it.
Are you telling me how to react appropriately? I think I wrote the book on reacting appropriately.
Oh, look! "Reacting Appropriately: the Lois Kettlebaum Way".
Oh, I love that book! You and 50 million others, but who's counting? Wow.
Well look, Lois, why did you give Baber advice, but you didn't give me any? - You want my advice? - Yeah.
Get out of town.
No, no, I really want to know.
That's my advice.
Get out of town.
What? Your husband chose his mother over you, your marriage is probably over.
You've been doing his work as well as the mayor's work.
You don't have a life.
Get out of town! Sorry I asked.
Knock, knock, knock.
Sarah, here.
Don't say I never returned anything.
Is that the hedge trimmer you borrowed ten years ago? I don't know.
I found it in your garage.
- Where's Lois Kettlebaum? - She's in the washroom.
The woman that wrote "Getting Yours First: The Single Woman's Guide" is in your loo? Do you think she'd give me some advice? I have to tell Thorne.
If he was more open about his past, this wouldn't even be an issue.
That's it! That didn't sound like it.
We go talk to Thorne, we steer the conversation in the direction of illegitimate children.
He'll just volunteer the information himself.
That is so brilliant, I don't get it.
Knock, knock.
Are you busy? Yes.
Good, because I need some help.
I have met a wonderful woman.
Sounds like she needs some help.
Just one problem: she's Jewish.
Ahh, the, uh, religious barrier! Well, even if she doesn't convert, marriage is not out of the question.
But, what if she tries to eat my soul when I'm sleeping? Whoa, whoa, Baber.
There is no room for anti-Semitism in Islam! But Uncle Bandar says there is, plenty of room! The more the merrier! But not for Jews! Islam has a special place for Judaism and Christianity.
As you know, the Qur'an calls them the "people of the book".
While Uncle Bandar calls them shape-shifters.
Oh, I'm so confused! Well, your Uncle Bandar sounds like an idiot.
Yes, perhaps he is.
Oh, I've been such a fool! I must go talk to Mrs.
Kettlebaum! And that man has a doctorate.
Hey, plaid guy.
I got the leash.
I got good news, I got bad news.
Hey, that's Fluffy's collar! Well, that takes care of the good news.
Well, I wouldn't really call any of them steady boyfriends, if you catch my drift.
Any port in a storm, right? The last eight years has been a hurricane.
You want my advice? Keep up the good work! Thank you! What? That's it? You can't be serious! You give her that advice and you tell me to leave town? Sarah, I only told you what was good for you.
You wanted my advice.
I don't want anymore advice, doggone it! Doggone Oh, Fluffy! My little Fluffy Fluffy.
Oh, my little baby! Fluffy! Sarah, what are you doing? She is clearly a smart woman with smart advice.
If she told me to leave town, I'd go.
I lashed out at her because she tells me something I don't want to hear.
I have got to make this right.
Reverend.
Interesting mail? I'm waiting for an important letter that still hasn't shown up yet.
Oh.
That's too bad.
Anyway, Rayyan and I were talking.
About sin.
Sins of the flesh.
It's hard to fight instinct sometimes.
And sometimes, it's good to talk to people about our mistakes.
Because we all make mistakes.
We all do.
We really do.
- Physical mistakes.
- Physical mistakes.
Well, uh, yes.
Well, well, well.
No, I, uh, I agree.
This is, um this is worth talking about.
So are you saying that you two have, uh Hm? What? Sins of the flesh? I-I beg your pardon? Excuse me! What? She's the one who brought it up! I can't believe a dog ate Fluffy.
Word up.
Man, am I in trouble! Look, trouble's never as bad as it seems.
I remember a time let's just say I let somebody down.
I thought it was the end of the world.
But look at me, I'm still here! Sure, I can never sell cheddar in Alberta again, but life goes on! For me, anyway.
Well, now I've got to tell Ms.
Kettlebaum that Fluffy was eaten by a big dog.
It wasn't that big.
It was kind of a bulldoggy thing.
Really.
One bulldog ate another bulldog.
Bulldog? That's Fluffy! - Fluffy! Fluffy! - Fluffy! Here, Fluffy! Come here, baby! Come here, my baby! - You have a pet name for me! - Come to mummy! And I thought you'd be mad.
What? - Oh, I - Oh Please, leave me alone.
Oh, can't we talk about this? Get away from me.
I'm not interested in a relationship with you! Because I'm Muslim? Because of the horrible things you said to me! Please, leave me alone.
Oh Lois! Lois! I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life.
And it's all my fault.
I mean, why have I been beating around the bush with Thorne when I need to be telling him the truth? Oh, there you are.
Why did you run away? Come on, be strong.
Confession's good for the soul.
- I got the letter you were waiting for.
- You did? - And then we accidentally destroyed it.
- You didn't.
But not before we accidentally read it.
You Monsters.
No, there's nothing to be ashamed about.
So you were trying to find your My biological father.
- Of course! - Oh - You're the son! - You're adopted! - And now you know my secret shame.
- What shame? - And now you want to blackmail me! - For being adopted? But know this! You've gone too far this time.
Wow! That is one angry man! Full of shame, drive, and ambition.
"You have gone too far this time.
" He's got a great voice, I'll give you that.
It's like caramel only it's scary.
He's one powerful enemy! Can I help you? And you, you're full of passion.
Only you have nowhere to direct that passion.
You got that from "Can I help you"? And you.
You're her boyfriend? No, not her boyfriend.
I am her Imam.
Oh, that's what you call it.
Yes, maybe you're right.
Maybe she's not ready yet.
You're full of compassion.
That's your greatest strength.
And your greatest weakness.
Look, who are you? Oh, just someone passing by, a visitor who knows a little bit about relationships.
You fill in your name right there.
Could you tell me something? Is there another door out of this place? - Oh - Oh That way thank you.
Maybe teaching French wasn't so bad after all.
Relax.
Let me handle it.
How intimidating can she be? There you are, Dobbs! You nincompoop! Did you find Fluffy? Yeah, well, about that Gotta go.
Well, did you find him or not? Well uh How do I put this? Yes! Oh! Oh, Fluffy! My baby! How's my little baby? Somebody's been a naughty boy.
What a wonderful man! Mwah! Mwah! - Can I ever thank you enough? - Yes.
Aw, look at that.
What a smart doggy.
Now, you stay in there and you stay put.
Yes! - Lois, are you okay? - Oh, look, Sarah, I found my puppy! - Yeah? - I found my little puppy! Yeah, I see him.
Lois, I am so sorry I lashed out at you.
I I thought a lot about what you said.
- So have I.
- Yeah, you know, I know your advice is always great, but I like living in this town, and I like my marriage.
- I know my husband's away, but I - But, yes, but you're strong.
You're hanging in there.
You're making all the right decisions.
- Yes, but I what? - I confess, I lied.
You don't need to leave this town.
I said it all for selfish reasons.
I wanted you to be my personal assistant.
Wow! That would be such an amazing job! Well, the offer's off the table now.
Well, now that Fluffy's back.
I lost my job as a personal assistant to a dog? What's a personal assistant for? Constant love and attention.
- That's what Fluffy gives me.
- Wow.
Plus, I can put him in a crate.
Reverend! - We need to talk.
- What now? You discovered I wet the bed till I was 12? - No, of course not.
- Because, you know, I didn't! Look, being adopted is nothing to be ashamed about.
Ri-i-ght.
And you know that because you found out that your uncle was your real father? The father that you never knew? Not exactly.
Or at all.
But However you feel about it, it is between you and God and that's the way it should stay.
We won't tell a soul.
I have your word on that? You do.
That That means a lot to me.
You know what else would mean a lot to me? If I left you alone? Wow! First you read my mail, now you read my mind.
- Think fast.
- Whoa.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven