Live at The Apollo (2004) s03e06 Episode Script
Dara O'Briain
This programme contains strong language.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight APPLAUSE Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Are you in good form? CROWD CHEERS Very, very good.
It is a pleasure to be here, a pleasure to be in London.
Personally I find it a joy to be in London, home of so many great things, some fantastic football teams.
Arsenal play here and they play CROWD BOOS Let's not kick it off - I'll merely say they play a particularly beautiful brand of football.
It's difficult watching your team being beaten by Arsenal.
It's a bit like watching another man sleep with your girlfriend You don't want to look at it, but you can't help admiring the technical skill on show.
You're going "No! No! I don't want to watch, but, Jesus, "he's getting a lot more out of her than I ever did!" That by the way is my standard London opening line.
You get one for every city you go to.
In Manchester, "It's great to be in Manchester.
"As an Irish person, we've given so much to Manchester over the years, "we built the place, we broadcast into it.
"Wayne Rooney is our most recent gift, I know many of you don't regard Rooney as Irish, "but A, his name is Rooney and B, "look at the feckin' head on him.
" That's not the face of an international football star that's a minor hurler from Offaly who got lucky.
And the joy of it is you think he's ugly! That's amazing to us.
Jesus! If Wayne was still in Ireland, he'd be a god at this stage.
He'd be advertising Mach 3 and moisturiser by the end of the week.
We'd all be going, "Look at Wayne, isn't he gorgeous? "Look at the way the sunlight dances off his ears, it's fantastic.
"Listen to the wind as it whistles through his teeth "It seems to go'Wayne.
' " My favourite one, by the way, in the UK, is if ever I'm in Glasgow and I can walk out and go, "Hey, it's great to be here in Glasgow, or as we call it in Ireland "Belfast Light.
" I've a very stupid international one.
In Prague, I did a gig in Prague years ago right and in Prague, in the Czech language the word for yes is "ano", which meant I was able to walk out and go, "Hey, it's great to be here in Prague, "the Czech are like the Irish, they say 'ano' when they really mean yes.
" Would you like a pint? Ah, no! Anyway hope you're going to have a fantastic time, we hope it's going to be a joy unfettered from beginning to end.
We have some special treasured guests, ladies and gentlemen, joining us tonight.
People of genuine achievement.
No! None of your nonsense here, genuine people with gold in their hands.
How are you, Mr James Cracknell? Great to have you here! James is the country's best-known - well, there's the other guy - second-best No, there's the other one.
Third-best.
No, then Fogle, he's pretty famous now too.
Fourth-best! Jeez, if there were any more, you wouldn't get into the boat at this stage.
Not, just an Olympic gold medal Rode across the Atlantic with Ben Fogle, naked.
Am I right in saying that? NAKED! You maybe saw the documentary Brokeback Ocean, it was called.
Two men just enjoying the sheer saltiness of the occasion.
That was your own little laugh, I don't know what you're laughing at there.
I was just talking about the ocean at that stage.
In that situation, who goes in front, by the way? No, no, no, I genuinely mean from a rowing point of view, right? Who's the one who can't see the one Because surely it's a trust issue, isn't it? That you're sitting there rowing away going, "Are you doing anything back there? "We seem to be taking twice as long as I thought we'd take to do this little journey.
" Good to have you here, on this side, hello to Tommy Walsh.
I'd talk to you, but you're a builder and I'm Irish and I'm not going to slip into that stereotype.
Then at the very end, Nick Ross.
How are you, Nick? Good to see you.
Always a pleasure to have you out.
Nick Ross of Crimeline, ladies and gentlemen, for 23 years presented Crimeline and then ironically somebody stole his job .
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because apparently he's too old.
You're not too old, are you? Are you, dear? Are you too old? Are you, dear, at this stage? Are you? Then we sit him next to Duncan Goodhew, what kind of message are we sending?! Do you remember the '80s, do you? Do you? Duncan has swam here from another decade.
That reminds me of a story, by the way.
There are unusual national traits that countries have, and the Irish have a very weird Any Irish here, by the way? SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER Fabulous.
We're good people and the backbone of this country, so don't give out to us.
But one thing we can't do, bizarrely, is we can't, as a nation, scuba dive, right? It's just this weird thing we have, right, and I learnt this because I met a couple of scuba diving instructors and they said, "You people just can't do it.
"You're the worst nation in the world at scuba, the most difficult to teach.
" It's the bizarrest piece of trivia I've ever picked up about Ireland, we're appalling at scuba diving.
There are land-locked African nations who are better in the water than we are.
And you'd think, you know it's an island nation, but we were never really one to use the waters around us.
In Ireland we viewed the oceans and seas with a relative amount of suspicion, because they were cold and that's where the English came from.
Frankly we'd be happy to brick up the oceans and leave them be, aye.
But part of the way it manifests itself and the way it did for me is that when you go into the water, there's a test you have to do if you get a little bit of water in your mask where you have to tilt the mask forward and you breathe through your nose.
You're nodding, you've done this, lady at the front.
Nodding in a kind of a, "Yes, it's the most trivial thing in the world.
" I did it, I'm in the water, I let a little bit of water into the mask, a tiny bit goes up my nose and I panic like an eight-year-old child and I go, "Feck this! "I'm outta here, this is nonsense, this is not natural.
"What the hell am I doing down here? "Fish! Who cares about fish? I don't want to see fish! "On a plate in batter with chips, that's when I'll see fish, thank you!" And I shot out of the water going, "Feck the bends, "I don't care how much nitrogen is trapped in my bloodstream, I need to get out of here now! "I need to get to dry!" I exploded out of the water like a dolphin, flung off the mask, going, "Oh! Thank God I'm alive!" And then I looked around and I'm in a swimming pool in a metre of water .
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and the rest of the first-day class are just below the surface, going, "What's wrong with him?" and the guy's doing the hand sign for, "He's Irish, they're shite at this.
" By the way, people in the audience, if you want to text in with any kind of suggestions, any gag, anything to throw into the show at all, just text in - we read them out at the end of the show.
One thing I enjoy I have been here for years, and it's the way in which you will applaud the tiniest victory, but you will do down the greatest achievement.
Some things in this country are stunningly impressive.
Eurostar You have a train that goes underneath the water to another country and you still aren't exactly behind it, because you kind of think it's holding something back in the UK and it really wants to be in France That the train only gets fast when it gets out of Kent.
It chugs along through the Home Countries in a kind of a "toot-toot" kind of a way, but the minute it gets into the tunnel it shoots out of the tunnel, flies out of there like the Millennium Falcon coming out of the Death Star.
Flame all around it, it accelerates across the French landscape at near light-speed.
You're pinned back into the chair with the acceleration, if you're sitting facing that way - if you're facing the other way, you're fecked, you're dead.
You're sliced in half by the table, your torso spinning wildly through the train.
Meanwhile on the outside, asylum seekers are desperately clinging on.
By the time you get to Paris, you'll be younger than your twin.
But instead, you celebrate the tiny victories, which I applaud.
I'm a great man for the tiny victory, I love those victories.
My favourite thing about a tiny victory is, if you achieve one run away.
Savour the moment and get out of there, don't let anyone take it away from you.
I was at a party, this was years ago back at home in Dublin and there was a girl there and she was obviously an ambassador's daughter.
Her parents were international engineers or expats of some description.
Somebody made the mistake of going, "Mary, have you ever lived outside of Ireland?" And she launched into a huge long list of places.
"Oh, we lived in Kenya for a while, then Tanzania, then Calcutta.
"Oh, the contrast! "Then Delhi, then Durban, then Peru, now we live in Prague, but we summer in Milan.
" Everyone was looking at her in a very Irish kind of a, "Good for you "you feckin' bitch.
" So I just leaned in and went, "Wow, it must be great to be part of a circus family.
" And then immediately ran away as quickly as possible and she's there going, "No, my father was a "Oh, you're a bastard!" I spent the entire rest of the party just sneaking up behind her and going HE SINGS A CIRCUS TUNE .
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and then running away again.
My favourite thing to do I was hosting an awards in Dublin once called the Irish Internet Awards and I find the whole internet industry very exciting and very interesting in many, many ways.
How many of you work in IT, for example? You do, my friend? How are you? Good to have you here.
What's your job title? Developer.
See, it's beautiful, isn't it? It's full of amazing bullshit job titles that didn't exist 10, 20 years ago.
You're a developer, for Christ's sake.
Do you have a webmaster in the office? Yes.
Yeah, course you do, yeah.
Webmaster is my favourite of all of those, walking around the office going, "I am a Webmaster! "I am Master of the Web, feel the power of my firewall! "It is not actually a wall of fire, no, "it is more of a protocol for e-mails, anyway, no matter, I am a Webmaster.
"I am not Social Situation Master, no, I can't do that at all, no.
"I'm not Talking To Women Master, no, "there are too many variables in that situation as well, I can't be hacking that.
" That and my favourite thing about your industry by the way is solutions.
You do love the solutions, don't you? You know, when your computer's not working and you're kind of going, "Ah! It's not working, get the guy," and one of you people arrives in a cape going, "I am a Solution Provider.
"You are Problem Provider! Back away, Problem Provider! "You would not understand my solution, it is too technical for you.
Get out! "Get out of the room! Do not look at the computer, your eyes hurt the computer.
Get out! "Have they gone? Have they gone? "Lovely.
Control, Alt, Delete" Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring on the first of our two acts here tonight.
Are you in the mood to see them? AUDIENCE: "YES!" Fantastic.
You're in excellent form, he's going to have a whale of a time.
One of the stalwarts of the Comedy Store, one of the heroes of the Edinburgh Festival, give it up for the one and only Stephen K Amos! MUSIC: "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! IN AFRICAN ACCENT: Oh, you wonderful, wonderful people.
I'm so happy to be here.
Hey-hey! Look around the room! Pretty ladypretty ladyhmm It's a joke! Tell your face.
I know a lot of you are now looking at me going, "Shit, look at his hair!" Now Now I am in the mid-stage of growing an afro.
I'm well aware that this is the shit stage.
For some reason, this alone gives people licence to shout out shit to me in the street .
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so for your information, I know what year it is, mm! I have never been near a carwash .
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and who the fuck is Shaft? I walk down the road "Shaft! Shaft!" I look down, my cock is hanging out.
Oh, yes, ladies, some stereotypes I can live with.
Big cock.
Oh, look at this pretty lady.
Don't fight it, I can tell by your eyes that you want me, hmm? Oh, fuck it, I can't keep it up.
It's all a joke.
IN COCKNEY ACCENT: I've never left the country.
Good evening, folks.
Very pleased to be here tonight.
I want to tell you a bit about myself cos I've started off quite aggressive so I'll pull back.
My parents arrived in London in the '60s, and London in the '60s was very, very similar to Australia now.
No real diversity, right? On my first day at primary school, I ran into the classroom, I ran straight back home and I went, "Mum! Mum! Apparently, there's a black boy in my class.
"I can't find him anywhere!" So you, young people, you're very, very lucky, right? Young people, how old are you, son? Right there, you.
16? What year were you born? '91.
1991.
SILENCE Did you hear that noise? That's called jealousy.
There are people in this room with underpants and socks older than you.
Where are you from, child? London.
Big place, scale it down, I'm not driving a minicab.
Let's work together.
Kilburn.
Kilburn, north London, yeah.
South London, representing.
I'll tell you about my family, I come from quite a big family and as kids my dad tried to think of ways to keep us occupied.
His solution was to get my mum pregnant eight more times.
My twin sister, she is my best friend, however, I get asked two questions on a regular basis.
One of them is, are you identical? Now, I can assure you she's not six foot two with sideburns and a huge clitoris .
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although I couldn't vouch for that myself.
The other question I'm asked on a regular basis is do you feel pain at the same time? HE HUMS Theme from "The Twilight Zone" As a child, I used to take advantage of this Here's my sister, creep up behind her, punch her in the face, and I wouldn't feel the pain in my jaw through laughter.
So I applaud you, young man, cos I know nothing of your world, you know nothing of mine, right? Nothing! You young people need to thank all us older people, cos we have suffered so that today you and your kind can be free.
Experiments took place on us when we were growing up that you've got no idea about.
In my primary school, in the ceilingasbestos.
Have you heard of it, child? All the while I thought I was thick HE GIBBERS .
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and nowadays they call it dyslexia.
At the same primary school, my PE teacher was my English teacher, science teacher, maths teacher.
Jack of all trades, master of fuck-all.
And the older ones will tell you, child, you older people think back to when you were kids, right, and you forgot your PE kit, what was it? Vests and pants! Did you hear that? Didn't miss a beat.
That's what you call a survivor.
We didn't have Childline.
Pants! And I come from a family of hand-me-downs.
I have an older sister.
But I love doing this job, folks, cos it gets me all around the world, cos things have changed now.
It's a great world.
When I was growing up, certain words arrived in my playground.
Nignog.
It's all right folks, I CAN say that.
You're all slightly clenched up and going, "Where is this going?" For those too young or our international guests, let me explain the premise of this comedy show.
A white couple live here, a black couple move next door - hilarity ensues.
All manner of comedy japes.
I didn't know I was a nignog until my schoolmates told me that I was.
I just wished my dad had the balls all those years ago to go all round the neighbours going Ding, dong! "Hello, we are the nignogs from next door.
"There's quite a few of us, I'm afraid, but please don't let that alarm you.
"Mango?" Or something, just to break the ice.
But that's what I want to do, connect with people.
People I wouldn't normally have a connection with.
You've got to find the funnies, folks.
A couple of years ago, I did a gig in the East End of London, a place called Bow! Do you know it? A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER It's a bit like EastEnders, that documentary, seen it? Full of geezers, men, big men, men who can barely read but nonetheless, men.
The sort of man that goes, "All right, mate, how's your father?" "Fuck off, I don't know me father! Wanker!" I thought, this is going to be a tough gig, I need them to love me straightaway.
There's no automatic connection.
What can I use as my opening line? So I tried this.
I went, "Hi, folks, is there anybody in from overseas?" A little voice at the back went, "Yeah, mate! YOU!" I didn't understand At the end of the gig, the same young man comes right into my face and he goes, "Oi, mate! "I never knew, I never 'uckin' knewblack people were funny.
" And I said, "Some of us ride bikes.
"Have been known to ski.
"Work with rudimentary tools.
" He didn't know what I meant.
But I saw the funny side and that's what it's all about, folks, seeing the funny side.
I went to Australia for three months this year, I love the Australians.
Any Australians in? A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER Yeah.
Coming over here, stealing our jobs.
I flew business class Yeah, touch me.
Now, I don't know what it is about flying business class that turns you into a knob-head, right? You're allowed on the plane first, given a seat that turns into a bed, right? And as the economy folk were getting on, I'm playing with the seat.
Ha, ha, ha! Look, peasants, my feet touch nothing.
And they give you a teeny-tiny hot towel, a teeny-tiny hot towel.
Now, when you're in your own private homes, who here has ever used a teeny-tiny hot towel? None of us, but suddenly on business class you're like .
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like it's the most natural thing in the world to apply a hot, burning towel to your face.
But I thought, I've paid for this, so I stripped bollock-naked And the weirdest thing I found about Australia, listen to this, folks, you can go into a supermarket in Australia and you can buy a cheese called, "Coon Cheese".
Did you hear what I said? "Coon Cheese"! It's advertised on the TV.
Get your Coon Cheese Get your Coon Cheese Admittedly not by a black man, doing that That would be wrong.
So I said to the Aussies, "Why's it called Coon Cheese?" They got defensive.
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "It's just a name! "It's just a fucking name!" Well, the Ku Klux Klan is a name They don't sell pillowcases.
I've done gigs in America.
The Americans don't quite get me, right, because apparently my face doesn't fit my voice.
I don't get it.
I went to New York, I went to Harlem, because I'd seen it on Kojak.
Kojak? I had the walk down pat, I was giving it all that.
I went into a bank, I went, "Excuse me, I'd like to exchange these traveller's cheques.
" And the girl behind the desk went IN AFRICAN-AMERICAN ACCENT: "Say WHAT?!" "I'd like to exchange these traveller's cheques.
" "Hold on, hold on! "Alopecia, get over here.
"Anaconda, get over here.
"Now, say it again.
" "I'd like to exchange these traveller's cheques.
" "Hoo-ee! Are you from France?" Didn't quite work for me.
I'm loving this, isn't this great? I'm having such a great time.
I absolutely love doing live stand-up comedy in front of all you good people.
It's brilliant, however my main goal is my own TV show, because in reality, this isn't all that.
But as you are all aware, the BBC have a diversity policy, and apparently I've got to wait for Lenny Henry to die.
One in, one out, let's not rock the boat.
I also did a gig in Edinburgh, this Edinburgh just gone, and again, find the funnies.
I had a late-night gig, three in the morning, at a venue called the Gilded Balloon.
400 people in the audience, everyone was drunk, as was I.
I thought it would be very funny to get the whole audience to shout out, IN AFRICAN ACCENT: "Baboon! Baboon!" Four in the morning, that's fine.
The next day on the busy high street, this young man runs across the road over to me and he goes, "Baboon! "Baboon!" Every other person on the high street was like Thank you very much indeed.
Good night! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Stephen K Amos! Listen, one quick story before we go onto the next act My favourite thing that's ever been said to me by an audience member, it was years ago, I was doing a joke around the time of the Millennium about the Millennium bug and about how tough the Millennium bug was if you weren't Christian, because the Millennium bug was all based on the age of Christ and it's a different calendar, in the Muslim faith it's a different calendar, Jewish, different calendar.
It's a piece of trivia you don't hear that often.
Vanessa Feltz, pleasure to have you here, you're of the Jewish faith, am I right? Do you know what year it is at the moment in the Jewish calendar? Five thousand and something Yeah, let's keep it loose.
It's about 5,760, I know it's not day to day, you don't write it in your chequebooks and things but they have a different faith.
And I asked once in Cork in Ireland, I was telling this joke and I just wanted to get, you know, confirmation again so I said, "Anyone here who's Jewish?" and a woman goes, "Yes.
" I said, "And what year is it now in the Jewish calendar?" And she goes, "I wasn't expecting questions, to be honest," and then turns to her presumably Gentile friend and had a bit of a natter with her and then came back with the single finest answer I have ever heard from a member of an audience where she went, without any shame or compunction, stood up in front of 400 people and went, "Yeah, it's the Jewish year of the rat.
" You've just got to love the many levels of ignorance involved in that.
To take two of the world's great cultures and civilisations and then just slam them together into one soup, one casserole of rel Oh, those crazy kung-fu Jews, they're mad! With their rice and their noodles, oh, I can't keep up with them.
And the fireworks Oy vey! Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm going to bring on here is an absolute treat to enjoy.
I describe him as the dark heart of Mock The Week for good reason.
Could you please raise the roof for Frankie Boyle? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello! Hello, everybody, hello up the top! AUDIENCE: Hello! D'you remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone said, "Oh, it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy.
"That's not going to be very convincing.
" And look at him now .
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an alcoholic racist.
The most Scottish thing I've ever seen, I was going through a town called Bathgate at night and there was a guy pissing against a front door like that .
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who then took out his keys and went inside.
I'm from Glasgow, if I had to explain Glasgow to you, I'd say that if I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on a member of the public to punch a man who was on fire To punch a flaming man to the ground! We should get a photo of that blown up and use it as the "Welcome" sign at Scottish airports and underneath we should have the words, "Scotland Welcomes Careful Drivers".
I mean the naivety of al-Qaeda trying to bring religious war to Glasgow.
We're 400 years ahead of you, guys! You've not even got a football team! There's a fallacy, isn't there, that that baggage handler prevented hundreds of people from being horribly burned.
These were Scottish people flying to Spain! People say it's good they didn't hit a fuel depot, I think it's good they didn't hit the queue coming out of duty free They'd have gone up like Hiroshima.
The British Army have got a big recruiting drive on in Scotland at the minute, because that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnable war in the desert more ginger people.
That's why they couldn't send Prince Harry, they couldn't afford the resources required to start developing factor 60,000 sunblock.
It's not always the friendliest place in the world, Scotland.
I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went, "We don't do cocktails.
" We can just be dour, negative bastards up there.
John Logie Baird invented the TV, and when people came up to congratulate him, he went, "Aye, but there's fuck-all on.
" Are we looking forward to the Olympics in London? A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP I'll take that as a "no"! They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride.
I mean, come on, for 9.
2 billion, you could have written, "Fuck off, Germany" onto the moon.
The Spice Girls are getting back together.
The only way I want to see Geri Halliwell draped in a Union Jack again will be if she dies in battle.
I tell you what I think they should do in Big Brother.
You know on eviction night when someone gets sent out? The people inside, instead of hearing screaming or booing or whatever, they should just hear complete silence and then a single gunshot.
When I was at school, I could just never work out how to get girls' bras undone.
I just couldn't do it.
And then eventually I realised that these girls were wearing a different TYPE of bra from my gran.
If you don't like that, you'll hate this next one! The oldest woman ever to give birth gave birth this year, she was 63.
You can imagine at 63, the baby didn't have to force its way out.
AUDIENCE: Eugh! It spent the last three months bungee jumping.
Every time she went for a shit, it had to brace itself .
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like the end of The Italian Job.
Apparently, scientists have come up with a condom for premature ejaculation and basically it's got an anaesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer.
Or you can wear it inside out, you don't have to wake anybody up.
Thanks, cos to be honest, that one can go either way.
Apparently a quarter of men have a problem with premature ejaculation.
The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.
See, science isn't all progress, is it? What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked instead of this multiple-choice system? So now, if anything goes wrong, you're going to be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away and you're unveiled like a fucking prize on a quiz show.
For 500 pointsa shitting woman! Gordon Brown's got his big new idea, he says he wants to make children stay at school until they're 18.
That's just not living in the modern world, is it? 17-year-olds having to go to school, who's going to pick their kids up from primary? Wants to bring in ID cards with retina scans and 49 items of information.
ID cards won't stop your identity being stolen, it just means that once it's stolen, you're fucked.
"I've left my wallet in the hotel, "I'm going to need new eyeballs and a finger transplant!" Gordon Brown has seriously said he wants listening devices put into lampposts to fight terrorism.
Is that how terrorists work? "Come over here, we must discuss our evil plans in this brightly lit area.
"We'll sing them out like a fucking barber-shop quartet!" Do you think George Bush even knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
See that bishop up north somewhere who said that the floods were God's judgement on homosexuals? If that was true, Brighton'd be like fucking Atlantis by now.
I'm all for gay adoption, gay men would make brilliant dads.
They already know where all the best parks are.
They already know how to put talcum powder onto a sore bottom.
I'd have loved to have had a gay dad.
Do you remember all that stuff at school? "My dad will batter you dad!" "My dad could batter your dad!" "Listen! My dad'll shag your dad ".
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and your dad'll enjoy it!" Got to that stage in Scotland now where people recognise me but never where from.
I got followed by two guys in Glasgow who thought that I was the wee bear from Bo Selecta.
Yeah, you wait years for that Proclaimers thing to go away My favourite thing I saw this year was an article in one of the women's magazines on Valentines entitled, "How to tell what's going through the man in your life's mind while he's choosing your present," and it was a surprisingly long article .
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which at no point mentioned the words, "This'll do!" "Oh, a giant Toblerone, she'll love this!" I've been reading a lot of these magazines, they're getting more and more like sex manuals, aren't they? All these articles about how to be better in bed, it's all aimed at men.
These things going, "Why not surprise your partner by having a romantic bath together? "Add to the atmosphere with scented candles.
"After her orgasm, remember to hold your partner, "because this may be when she feels most vulnerable" I don't know why I'm looking at you here! I just got sucked in there, little fella! Not the best choice of words in the circumstances, but You know what I mean, right? There's no balance, there's nothing telling women how to give men the sort of sex that they really want.
I'd love to see an article in Marie Claire or something going, "Why not surprise your partner by skipping foreplay altogether? "Add to the atmosphere "by swallowing.
"After his orgasm, remember to phone yourself a taxi.
" You know how men go, "Oh, women don't know how to wank us off"? I don't know why I'm doing an Al Jolson number! They don't know how wank us off Mammy! Blimey, I wish I hadn't said that! Men'll say that, right? Women are actually better with their hands than men.
Admittedly, if you get a woman who doesn't know what she's doing, it can be a bit like having someone with Parkinson's disease trying to unblock a sink.
Of course a guy who doesn't know what he's doing with his hands, it's like a hungry child wearing oven gloves trying to get beetroot out of a jar.
It has been an absolute pleasure, I've loved talking to you.
Take care of yourselves, good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Frankie Boyle! OK, your texts, ladies and gentlemen, and they have been flooding in.
OK, let's go.
First one on the inbox "My mate is house-sharing with two lesbian pensioners and he's 25.
"What are your thoughts?" Well, whatever they are, they don't include the words lesbian and pensioner in the same sentence.
Frankly that's very much your mate's issue rather than mine.
"If God didn't mean us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?" "Do you know who'd be great at hosting this show? Jack Dee.
" That's fromJack Dee, actually.
"My mate Reilly is living with two lesbo pensioners rent-free, is this wrong?" No, but it's increasingly common, by the sounds of it.
"Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour asked her, "What are you doing there?" She said, "My goldfish died, and I've just buried him.
" The neighbour laughed and said, "That's a big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat.
" On which note, ladies and gentlemen, we say thank you for joining us here at Live At The Apollo.
Give it up for the two acts you saw, Stephen K Amos CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .
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and Frankie Boyle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We'll see you again, I'm Dara O Briain.
Thank you very much.
Good night!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight APPLAUSE Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Are you in good form? CROWD CHEERS Very, very good.
It is a pleasure to be here, a pleasure to be in London.
Personally I find it a joy to be in London, home of so many great things, some fantastic football teams.
Arsenal play here and they play CROWD BOOS Let's not kick it off - I'll merely say they play a particularly beautiful brand of football.
It's difficult watching your team being beaten by Arsenal.
It's a bit like watching another man sleep with your girlfriend You don't want to look at it, but you can't help admiring the technical skill on show.
You're going "No! No! I don't want to watch, but, Jesus, "he's getting a lot more out of her than I ever did!" That by the way is my standard London opening line.
You get one for every city you go to.
In Manchester, "It's great to be in Manchester.
"As an Irish person, we've given so much to Manchester over the years, "we built the place, we broadcast into it.
"Wayne Rooney is our most recent gift, I know many of you don't regard Rooney as Irish, "but A, his name is Rooney and B, "look at the feckin' head on him.
" That's not the face of an international football star that's a minor hurler from Offaly who got lucky.
And the joy of it is you think he's ugly! That's amazing to us.
Jesus! If Wayne was still in Ireland, he'd be a god at this stage.
He'd be advertising Mach 3 and moisturiser by the end of the week.
We'd all be going, "Look at Wayne, isn't he gorgeous? "Look at the way the sunlight dances off his ears, it's fantastic.
"Listen to the wind as it whistles through his teeth "It seems to go'Wayne.
' " My favourite one, by the way, in the UK, is if ever I'm in Glasgow and I can walk out and go, "Hey, it's great to be here in Glasgow, or as we call it in Ireland "Belfast Light.
" I've a very stupid international one.
In Prague, I did a gig in Prague years ago right and in Prague, in the Czech language the word for yes is "ano", which meant I was able to walk out and go, "Hey, it's great to be here in Prague, "the Czech are like the Irish, they say 'ano' when they really mean yes.
" Would you like a pint? Ah, no! Anyway hope you're going to have a fantastic time, we hope it's going to be a joy unfettered from beginning to end.
We have some special treasured guests, ladies and gentlemen, joining us tonight.
People of genuine achievement.
No! None of your nonsense here, genuine people with gold in their hands.
How are you, Mr James Cracknell? Great to have you here! James is the country's best-known - well, there's the other guy - second-best No, there's the other one.
Third-best.
No, then Fogle, he's pretty famous now too.
Fourth-best! Jeez, if there were any more, you wouldn't get into the boat at this stage.
Not, just an Olympic gold medal Rode across the Atlantic with Ben Fogle, naked.
Am I right in saying that? NAKED! You maybe saw the documentary Brokeback Ocean, it was called.
Two men just enjoying the sheer saltiness of the occasion.
That was your own little laugh, I don't know what you're laughing at there.
I was just talking about the ocean at that stage.
In that situation, who goes in front, by the way? No, no, no, I genuinely mean from a rowing point of view, right? Who's the one who can't see the one Because surely it's a trust issue, isn't it? That you're sitting there rowing away going, "Are you doing anything back there? "We seem to be taking twice as long as I thought we'd take to do this little journey.
" Good to have you here, on this side, hello to Tommy Walsh.
I'd talk to you, but you're a builder and I'm Irish and I'm not going to slip into that stereotype.
Then at the very end, Nick Ross.
How are you, Nick? Good to see you.
Always a pleasure to have you out.
Nick Ross of Crimeline, ladies and gentlemen, for 23 years presented Crimeline and then ironically somebody stole his job .
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because apparently he's too old.
You're not too old, are you? Are you, dear? Are you too old? Are you, dear, at this stage? Are you? Then we sit him next to Duncan Goodhew, what kind of message are we sending?! Do you remember the '80s, do you? Do you? Duncan has swam here from another decade.
That reminds me of a story, by the way.
There are unusual national traits that countries have, and the Irish have a very weird Any Irish here, by the way? SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER Fabulous.
We're good people and the backbone of this country, so don't give out to us.
But one thing we can't do, bizarrely, is we can't, as a nation, scuba dive, right? It's just this weird thing we have, right, and I learnt this because I met a couple of scuba diving instructors and they said, "You people just can't do it.
"You're the worst nation in the world at scuba, the most difficult to teach.
" It's the bizarrest piece of trivia I've ever picked up about Ireland, we're appalling at scuba diving.
There are land-locked African nations who are better in the water than we are.
And you'd think, you know it's an island nation, but we were never really one to use the waters around us.
In Ireland we viewed the oceans and seas with a relative amount of suspicion, because they were cold and that's where the English came from.
Frankly we'd be happy to brick up the oceans and leave them be, aye.
But part of the way it manifests itself and the way it did for me is that when you go into the water, there's a test you have to do if you get a little bit of water in your mask where you have to tilt the mask forward and you breathe through your nose.
You're nodding, you've done this, lady at the front.
Nodding in a kind of a, "Yes, it's the most trivial thing in the world.
" I did it, I'm in the water, I let a little bit of water into the mask, a tiny bit goes up my nose and I panic like an eight-year-old child and I go, "Feck this! "I'm outta here, this is nonsense, this is not natural.
"What the hell am I doing down here? "Fish! Who cares about fish? I don't want to see fish! "On a plate in batter with chips, that's when I'll see fish, thank you!" And I shot out of the water going, "Feck the bends, "I don't care how much nitrogen is trapped in my bloodstream, I need to get out of here now! "I need to get to dry!" I exploded out of the water like a dolphin, flung off the mask, going, "Oh! Thank God I'm alive!" And then I looked around and I'm in a swimming pool in a metre of water .
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and the rest of the first-day class are just below the surface, going, "What's wrong with him?" and the guy's doing the hand sign for, "He's Irish, they're shite at this.
" By the way, people in the audience, if you want to text in with any kind of suggestions, any gag, anything to throw into the show at all, just text in - we read them out at the end of the show.
One thing I enjoy I have been here for years, and it's the way in which you will applaud the tiniest victory, but you will do down the greatest achievement.
Some things in this country are stunningly impressive.
Eurostar You have a train that goes underneath the water to another country and you still aren't exactly behind it, because you kind of think it's holding something back in the UK and it really wants to be in France That the train only gets fast when it gets out of Kent.
It chugs along through the Home Countries in a kind of a "toot-toot" kind of a way, but the minute it gets into the tunnel it shoots out of the tunnel, flies out of there like the Millennium Falcon coming out of the Death Star.
Flame all around it, it accelerates across the French landscape at near light-speed.
You're pinned back into the chair with the acceleration, if you're sitting facing that way - if you're facing the other way, you're fecked, you're dead.
You're sliced in half by the table, your torso spinning wildly through the train.
Meanwhile on the outside, asylum seekers are desperately clinging on.
By the time you get to Paris, you'll be younger than your twin.
But instead, you celebrate the tiny victories, which I applaud.
I'm a great man for the tiny victory, I love those victories.
My favourite thing about a tiny victory is, if you achieve one run away.
Savour the moment and get out of there, don't let anyone take it away from you.
I was at a party, this was years ago back at home in Dublin and there was a girl there and she was obviously an ambassador's daughter.
Her parents were international engineers or expats of some description.
Somebody made the mistake of going, "Mary, have you ever lived outside of Ireland?" And she launched into a huge long list of places.
"Oh, we lived in Kenya for a while, then Tanzania, then Calcutta.
"Oh, the contrast! "Then Delhi, then Durban, then Peru, now we live in Prague, but we summer in Milan.
" Everyone was looking at her in a very Irish kind of a, "Good for you "you feckin' bitch.
" So I just leaned in and went, "Wow, it must be great to be part of a circus family.
" And then immediately ran away as quickly as possible and she's there going, "No, my father was a "Oh, you're a bastard!" I spent the entire rest of the party just sneaking up behind her and going HE SINGS A CIRCUS TUNE .
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and then running away again.
My favourite thing to do I was hosting an awards in Dublin once called the Irish Internet Awards and I find the whole internet industry very exciting and very interesting in many, many ways.
How many of you work in IT, for example? You do, my friend? How are you? Good to have you here.
What's your job title? Developer.
See, it's beautiful, isn't it? It's full of amazing bullshit job titles that didn't exist 10, 20 years ago.
You're a developer, for Christ's sake.
Do you have a webmaster in the office? Yes.
Yeah, course you do, yeah.
Webmaster is my favourite of all of those, walking around the office going, "I am a Webmaster! "I am Master of the Web, feel the power of my firewall! "It is not actually a wall of fire, no, "it is more of a protocol for e-mails, anyway, no matter, I am a Webmaster.
"I am not Social Situation Master, no, I can't do that at all, no.
"I'm not Talking To Women Master, no, "there are too many variables in that situation as well, I can't be hacking that.
" That and my favourite thing about your industry by the way is solutions.
You do love the solutions, don't you? You know, when your computer's not working and you're kind of going, "Ah! It's not working, get the guy," and one of you people arrives in a cape going, "I am a Solution Provider.
"You are Problem Provider! Back away, Problem Provider! "You would not understand my solution, it is too technical for you.
Get out! "Get out of the room! Do not look at the computer, your eyes hurt the computer.
Get out! "Have they gone? Have they gone? "Lovely.
Control, Alt, Delete" Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring on the first of our two acts here tonight.
Are you in the mood to see them? AUDIENCE: "YES!" Fantastic.
You're in excellent form, he's going to have a whale of a time.
One of the stalwarts of the Comedy Store, one of the heroes of the Edinburgh Festival, give it up for the one and only Stephen K Amos! MUSIC: "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! IN AFRICAN ACCENT: Oh, you wonderful, wonderful people.
I'm so happy to be here.
Hey-hey! Look around the room! Pretty ladypretty ladyhmm It's a joke! Tell your face.
I know a lot of you are now looking at me going, "Shit, look at his hair!" Now Now I am in the mid-stage of growing an afro.
I'm well aware that this is the shit stage.
For some reason, this alone gives people licence to shout out shit to me in the street .
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so for your information, I know what year it is, mm! I have never been near a carwash .
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and who the fuck is Shaft? I walk down the road "Shaft! Shaft!" I look down, my cock is hanging out.
Oh, yes, ladies, some stereotypes I can live with.
Big cock.
Oh, look at this pretty lady.
Don't fight it, I can tell by your eyes that you want me, hmm? Oh, fuck it, I can't keep it up.
It's all a joke.
IN COCKNEY ACCENT: I've never left the country.
Good evening, folks.
Very pleased to be here tonight.
I want to tell you a bit about myself cos I've started off quite aggressive so I'll pull back.
My parents arrived in London in the '60s, and London in the '60s was very, very similar to Australia now.
No real diversity, right? On my first day at primary school, I ran into the classroom, I ran straight back home and I went, "Mum! Mum! Apparently, there's a black boy in my class.
"I can't find him anywhere!" So you, young people, you're very, very lucky, right? Young people, how old are you, son? Right there, you.
16? What year were you born? '91.
1991.
SILENCE Did you hear that noise? That's called jealousy.
There are people in this room with underpants and socks older than you.
Where are you from, child? London.
Big place, scale it down, I'm not driving a minicab.
Let's work together.
Kilburn.
Kilburn, north London, yeah.
South London, representing.
I'll tell you about my family, I come from quite a big family and as kids my dad tried to think of ways to keep us occupied.
His solution was to get my mum pregnant eight more times.
My twin sister, she is my best friend, however, I get asked two questions on a regular basis.
One of them is, are you identical? Now, I can assure you she's not six foot two with sideburns and a huge clitoris .
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although I couldn't vouch for that myself.
The other question I'm asked on a regular basis is do you feel pain at the same time? HE HUMS Theme from "The Twilight Zone" As a child, I used to take advantage of this Here's my sister, creep up behind her, punch her in the face, and I wouldn't feel the pain in my jaw through laughter.
So I applaud you, young man, cos I know nothing of your world, you know nothing of mine, right? Nothing! You young people need to thank all us older people, cos we have suffered so that today you and your kind can be free.
Experiments took place on us when we were growing up that you've got no idea about.
In my primary school, in the ceilingasbestos.
Have you heard of it, child? All the while I thought I was thick HE GIBBERS .
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and nowadays they call it dyslexia.
At the same primary school, my PE teacher was my English teacher, science teacher, maths teacher.
Jack of all trades, master of fuck-all.
And the older ones will tell you, child, you older people think back to when you were kids, right, and you forgot your PE kit, what was it? Vests and pants! Did you hear that? Didn't miss a beat.
That's what you call a survivor.
We didn't have Childline.
Pants! And I come from a family of hand-me-downs.
I have an older sister.
But I love doing this job, folks, cos it gets me all around the world, cos things have changed now.
It's a great world.
When I was growing up, certain words arrived in my playground.
Nignog.
It's all right folks, I CAN say that.
You're all slightly clenched up and going, "Where is this going?" For those too young or our international guests, let me explain the premise of this comedy show.
A white couple live here, a black couple move next door - hilarity ensues.
All manner of comedy japes.
I didn't know I was a nignog until my schoolmates told me that I was.
I just wished my dad had the balls all those years ago to go all round the neighbours going Ding, dong! "Hello, we are the nignogs from next door.
"There's quite a few of us, I'm afraid, but please don't let that alarm you.
"Mango?" Or something, just to break the ice.
But that's what I want to do, connect with people.
People I wouldn't normally have a connection with.
You've got to find the funnies, folks.
A couple of years ago, I did a gig in the East End of London, a place called Bow! Do you know it? A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER It's a bit like EastEnders, that documentary, seen it? Full of geezers, men, big men, men who can barely read but nonetheless, men.
The sort of man that goes, "All right, mate, how's your father?" "Fuck off, I don't know me father! Wanker!" I thought, this is going to be a tough gig, I need them to love me straightaway.
There's no automatic connection.
What can I use as my opening line? So I tried this.
I went, "Hi, folks, is there anybody in from overseas?" A little voice at the back went, "Yeah, mate! YOU!" I didn't understand At the end of the gig, the same young man comes right into my face and he goes, "Oi, mate! "I never knew, I never 'uckin' knewblack people were funny.
" And I said, "Some of us ride bikes.
"Have been known to ski.
"Work with rudimentary tools.
" He didn't know what I meant.
But I saw the funny side and that's what it's all about, folks, seeing the funny side.
I went to Australia for three months this year, I love the Australians.
Any Australians in? A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER Yeah.
Coming over here, stealing our jobs.
I flew business class Yeah, touch me.
Now, I don't know what it is about flying business class that turns you into a knob-head, right? You're allowed on the plane first, given a seat that turns into a bed, right? And as the economy folk were getting on, I'm playing with the seat.
Ha, ha, ha! Look, peasants, my feet touch nothing.
And they give you a teeny-tiny hot towel, a teeny-tiny hot towel.
Now, when you're in your own private homes, who here has ever used a teeny-tiny hot towel? None of us, but suddenly on business class you're like .
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like it's the most natural thing in the world to apply a hot, burning towel to your face.
But I thought, I've paid for this, so I stripped bollock-naked And the weirdest thing I found about Australia, listen to this, folks, you can go into a supermarket in Australia and you can buy a cheese called, "Coon Cheese".
Did you hear what I said? "Coon Cheese"! It's advertised on the TV.
Get your Coon Cheese Get your Coon Cheese Admittedly not by a black man, doing that That would be wrong.
So I said to the Aussies, "Why's it called Coon Cheese?" They got defensive.
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "It's just a name! "It's just a fucking name!" Well, the Ku Klux Klan is a name They don't sell pillowcases.
I've done gigs in America.
The Americans don't quite get me, right, because apparently my face doesn't fit my voice.
I don't get it.
I went to New York, I went to Harlem, because I'd seen it on Kojak.
Kojak? I had the walk down pat, I was giving it all that.
I went into a bank, I went, "Excuse me, I'd like to exchange these traveller's cheques.
" And the girl behind the desk went IN AFRICAN-AMERICAN ACCENT: "Say WHAT?!" "I'd like to exchange these traveller's cheques.
" "Hold on, hold on! "Alopecia, get over here.
"Anaconda, get over here.
"Now, say it again.
" "I'd like to exchange these traveller's cheques.
" "Hoo-ee! Are you from France?" Didn't quite work for me.
I'm loving this, isn't this great? I'm having such a great time.
I absolutely love doing live stand-up comedy in front of all you good people.
It's brilliant, however my main goal is my own TV show, because in reality, this isn't all that.
But as you are all aware, the BBC have a diversity policy, and apparently I've got to wait for Lenny Henry to die.
One in, one out, let's not rock the boat.
I also did a gig in Edinburgh, this Edinburgh just gone, and again, find the funnies.
I had a late-night gig, three in the morning, at a venue called the Gilded Balloon.
400 people in the audience, everyone was drunk, as was I.
I thought it would be very funny to get the whole audience to shout out, IN AFRICAN ACCENT: "Baboon! Baboon!" Four in the morning, that's fine.
The next day on the busy high street, this young man runs across the road over to me and he goes, "Baboon! "Baboon!" Every other person on the high street was like Thank you very much indeed.
Good night! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Stephen K Amos! Listen, one quick story before we go onto the next act My favourite thing that's ever been said to me by an audience member, it was years ago, I was doing a joke around the time of the Millennium about the Millennium bug and about how tough the Millennium bug was if you weren't Christian, because the Millennium bug was all based on the age of Christ and it's a different calendar, in the Muslim faith it's a different calendar, Jewish, different calendar.
It's a piece of trivia you don't hear that often.
Vanessa Feltz, pleasure to have you here, you're of the Jewish faith, am I right? Do you know what year it is at the moment in the Jewish calendar? Five thousand and something Yeah, let's keep it loose.
It's about 5,760, I know it's not day to day, you don't write it in your chequebooks and things but they have a different faith.
And I asked once in Cork in Ireland, I was telling this joke and I just wanted to get, you know, confirmation again so I said, "Anyone here who's Jewish?" and a woman goes, "Yes.
" I said, "And what year is it now in the Jewish calendar?" And she goes, "I wasn't expecting questions, to be honest," and then turns to her presumably Gentile friend and had a bit of a natter with her and then came back with the single finest answer I have ever heard from a member of an audience where she went, without any shame or compunction, stood up in front of 400 people and went, "Yeah, it's the Jewish year of the rat.
" You've just got to love the many levels of ignorance involved in that.
To take two of the world's great cultures and civilisations and then just slam them together into one soup, one casserole of rel Oh, those crazy kung-fu Jews, they're mad! With their rice and their noodles, oh, I can't keep up with them.
And the fireworks Oy vey! Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm going to bring on here is an absolute treat to enjoy.
I describe him as the dark heart of Mock The Week for good reason.
Could you please raise the roof for Frankie Boyle? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello! Hello, everybody, hello up the top! AUDIENCE: Hello! D'you remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone said, "Oh, it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy.
"That's not going to be very convincing.
" And look at him now .
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an alcoholic racist.
The most Scottish thing I've ever seen, I was going through a town called Bathgate at night and there was a guy pissing against a front door like that .
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who then took out his keys and went inside.
I'm from Glasgow, if I had to explain Glasgow to you, I'd say that if I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on a member of the public to punch a man who was on fire To punch a flaming man to the ground! We should get a photo of that blown up and use it as the "Welcome" sign at Scottish airports and underneath we should have the words, "Scotland Welcomes Careful Drivers".
I mean the naivety of al-Qaeda trying to bring religious war to Glasgow.
We're 400 years ahead of you, guys! You've not even got a football team! There's a fallacy, isn't there, that that baggage handler prevented hundreds of people from being horribly burned.
These were Scottish people flying to Spain! People say it's good they didn't hit a fuel depot, I think it's good they didn't hit the queue coming out of duty free They'd have gone up like Hiroshima.
The British Army have got a big recruiting drive on in Scotland at the minute, because that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnable war in the desert more ginger people.
That's why they couldn't send Prince Harry, they couldn't afford the resources required to start developing factor 60,000 sunblock.
It's not always the friendliest place in the world, Scotland.
I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went, "We don't do cocktails.
" We can just be dour, negative bastards up there.
John Logie Baird invented the TV, and when people came up to congratulate him, he went, "Aye, but there's fuck-all on.
" Are we looking forward to the Olympics in London? A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP I'll take that as a "no"! They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride.
I mean, come on, for 9.
2 billion, you could have written, "Fuck off, Germany" onto the moon.
The Spice Girls are getting back together.
The only way I want to see Geri Halliwell draped in a Union Jack again will be if she dies in battle.
I tell you what I think they should do in Big Brother.
You know on eviction night when someone gets sent out? The people inside, instead of hearing screaming or booing or whatever, they should just hear complete silence and then a single gunshot.
When I was at school, I could just never work out how to get girls' bras undone.
I just couldn't do it.
And then eventually I realised that these girls were wearing a different TYPE of bra from my gran.
If you don't like that, you'll hate this next one! The oldest woman ever to give birth gave birth this year, she was 63.
You can imagine at 63, the baby didn't have to force its way out.
AUDIENCE: Eugh! It spent the last three months bungee jumping.
Every time she went for a shit, it had to brace itself .
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like the end of The Italian Job.
Apparently, scientists have come up with a condom for premature ejaculation and basically it's got an anaesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer.
Or you can wear it inside out, you don't have to wake anybody up.
Thanks, cos to be honest, that one can go either way.
Apparently a quarter of men have a problem with premature ejaculation.
The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.
See, science isn't all progress, is it? What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked instead of this multiple-choice system? So now, if anything goes wrong, you're going to be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away and you're unveiled like a fucking prize on a quiz show.
For 500 pointsa shitting woman! Gordon Brown's got his big new idea, he says he wants to make children stay at school until they're 18.
That's just not living in the modern world, is it? 17-year-olds having to go to school, who's going to pick their kids up from primary? Wants to bring in ID cards with retina scans and 49 items of information.
ID cards won't stop your identity being stolen, it just means that once it's stolen, you're fucked.
"I've left my wallet in the hotel, "I'm going to need new eyeballs and a finger transplant!" Gordon Brown has seriously said he wants listening devices put into lampposts to fight terrorism.
Is that how terrorists work? "Come over here, we must discuss our evil plans in this brightly lit area.
"We'll sing them out like a fucking barber-shop quartet!" Do you think George Bush even knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
See that bishop up north somewhere who said that the floods were God's judgement on homosexuals? If that was true, Brighton'd be like fucking Atlantis by now.
I'm all for gay adoption, gay men would make brilliant dads.
They already know where all the best parks are.
They already know how to put talcum powder onto a sore bottom.
I'd have loved to have had a gay dad.
Do you remember all that stuff at school? "My dad will batter you dad!" "My dad could batter your dad!" "Listen! My dad'll shag your dad ".
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and your dad'll enjoy it!" Got to that stage in Scotland now where people recognise me but never where from.
I got followed by two guys in Glasgow who thought that I was the wee bear from Bo Selecta.
Yeah, you wait years for that Proclaimers thing to go away My favourite thing I saw this year was an article in one of the women's magazines on Valentines entitled, "How to tell what's going through the man in your life's mind while he's choosing your present," and it was a surprisingly long article .
.
which at no point mentioned the words, "This'll do!" "Oh, a giant Toblerone, she'll love this!" I've been reading a lot of these magazines, they're getting more and more like sex manuals, aren't they? All these articles about how to be better in bed, it's all aimed at men.
These things going, "Why not surprise your partner by having a romantic bath together? "Add to the atmosphere with scented candles.
"After her orgasm, remember to hold your partner, "because this may be when she feels most vulnerable" I don't know why I'm looking at you here! I just got sucked in there, little fella! Not the best choice of words in the circumstances, but You know what I mean, right? There's no balance, there's nothing telling women how to give men the sort of sex that they really want.
I'd love to see an article in Marie Claire or something going, "Why not surprise your partner by skipping foreplay altogether? "Add to the atmosphere "by swallowing.
"After his orgasm, remember to phone yourself a taxi.
" You know how men go, "Oh, women don't know how to wank us off"? I don't know why I'm doing an Al Jolson number! They don't know how wank us off Mammy! Blimey, I wish I hadn't said that! Men'll say that, right? Women are actually better with their hands than men.
Admittedly, if you get a woman who doesn't know what she's doing, it can be a bit like having someone with Parkinson's disease trying to unblock a sink.
Of course a guy who doesn't know what he's doing with his hands, it's like a hungry child wearing oven gloves trying to get beetroot out of a jar.
It has been an absolute pleasure, I've loved talking to you.
Take care of yourselves, good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Frankie Boyle! OK, your texts, ladies and gentlemen, and they have been flooding in.
OK, let's go.
First one on the inbox "My mate is house-sharing with two lesbian pensioners and he's 25.
"What are your thoughts?" Well, whatever they are, they don't include the words lesbian and pensioner in the same sentence.
Frankly that's very much your mate's issue rather than mine.
"If God didn't mean us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?" "Do you know who'd be great at hosting this show? Jack Dee.
" That's fromJack Dee, actually.
"My mate Reilly is living with two lesbo pensioners rent-free, is this wrong?" No, but it's increasingly common, by the sounds of it.
"Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour asked her, "What are you doing there?" She said, "My goldfish died, and I've just buried him.
" The neighbour laughed and said, "That's a big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat.
" On which note, ladies and gentlemen, we say thank you for joining us here at Live At The Apollo.
Give it up for the two acts you saw, Stephen K Amos CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .
.
and Frankie Boyle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We'll see you again, I'm Dara O Briain.
Thank you very much.
Good night!