Live at The Apollo (2004) s04e01 Episode Script
Michael McIntyre, Rich Hall, Rhod Gilbert
This programme contains adult humour.
Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome your host for tonight, Michael McIntyre.
MUSIC: "Sex On Fire" by Kings Of Leon Your sex is on fire Oh, it is my home from home! Marvellous! Come on! Woo hoo! Right.
Oh, how thrilling.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you up for it? Are you up for a good night tonight? Yes! In here with your little plastic cups, your little plastic cups.
We don't want any glass in the auditorium, bit of plastic.
Don't drink too much, OK? Don't drink too much.
You may get drunk and if you get drunk, that's bad.
If you're posh, of course, you have a variety of options.
You can be trousered or trolleyed or wellied or rat-arsed.
You can actually use any word in the English language and substitute it to mean drunk as a posh person and it still sounds acceptable.
Did you have a drink last night? Are you joking? I got utterly gazeboed.
It fits.
Angus, you're driving.
I'm car parked.
Slow down, chaps, I'm pyjama'd.
So, I met a Geordie recently.
It was just me and him in a room.
He said, "Are youse lookin' at us?" How many mistakes can you make in one sentence? Seriously.
A true Geordie says the letter A and the letter E in exactly the same way.
A is E and E is E.
How can they function under these conditions? How can they pass eye tests? E, E, E, E, .
.
I think it's an E.
A, E, I, O, U.
Geordie - E, E, E, E, E.
Old MacDonald had a farm, E E E E E.
It's not likely they'll get a Geordie to replace Carol Vorderman.
"I'll have a vowel, please, Geordie.
" "That's an E.
" "Another vowel.
" "That's an E.
" "And a vowel".
"I don't even need to look.
I can tell you it's an E.
" So the exciting thing about hosting this is I can talk to people.
I can talk to people who have come here and, oh! If I haven't already spotted Mr Jim Rosenthal from sport, ladies and gentlemen.
There was a time when there would just be sport.
And Rosenthal looked at sport and he said, "I need to introduce this.
" People are not introducing this activity enough.
And then Rosenthal arrived.
I know you best from the Grand Prix.
We don't get to play at Grand Prix ourselves.
The closest we get, of course, is driving on the motorway and then of course there is always that bit on the motorway when there is a police car and then suddenly everyone does 70.
Sometimes there are cars in the fast lane doing 70.
You know they weren't doing 70 before.
Sometimes this happens and then you see Highways Agency.
You have no jurisdiction here.
Piss off! Where is Aggie? There you are! It is Aggie from Kim and Aggie! Aggie, I know you are at the Queen of Clean.
The cleanest place I've ever been in my life was Montreal.
I went to Wikipedia, because I've been to Geneva, that's a very clean place.
And on Wikipedia, there's like a list of the cleanest places on earth.
And Montreal is number one.
It is literally the cleanest place you will ever go in your entire life.
Before I even left the airport, I was in the loo, OK? Door locked.
Occupe.
It's French.
They speak French there.
I'm on the loo, occupe, door locked.
Underneath the door came a mop.
And started mopping around my legs.
Then it banged on one of my legs.
I didn't know what this meant in Montreal.
So I lifted my leg and it mopped underneath it.
It did the same to the other one and the mophead just withdrew and I heard this, "Merci".
Jeez! Does it get cleaner?! Oh, Jon Culshaw! Hi, John.
Ladies and gentleman, Jon Culshaw! I love Jon Culshaw.
I can do impressions.
I can do Jools Holland.
Can I see if you fancy it? This is it.
Basically, Jools Holland is a man who I don't even know if he knows how he speaks.
Every syllable that comes out of his face, he seems shocked at.
Sort of BAD! LY! DRAWN! BOY! It seems quite confusing for him.
I can do the Lottery man as well, but I'm not very good at him.
You know the guy who goes, "Let's release those big money balls!" I'm quite good at it.
I'm fascinated by him.
I just wonder what it's like to be him in life.
Cos he must get recognised for his voice all the time.
Sort of ordering Chinese, "13, 22, 7! 4 "19! "And the bonus dish, 2.
"This is my wife, she measures 38-25-34.
" Or paying for petrol.
"Pump number seven.
"That's the 14th time I've used pump seven this year.
"50 litres!" APPLAUSE Do you like that song I came on to? The Kings of Leon? It's good, but the lyric is odd.
Seriously.
"Your sex is on fire?" What are they talking about? What is the inspiration for this lyric? "Darling, don't be alarmed.
" "What?" "Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency?" "O oh oh oh oh! My sex is on fire!" Ssssssss "What the hell's going on back there?!" Boxing hero, I have to say hello.
Gold medal winner.
Do we get a round of applause for a gold medal winner? APPLAUSE The gold medal is yours! He's hard! He's hard.
People look at you and they just think, "He could have me.
" You're hard, you're hard.
You live your life as a hard person.
I'm not hard.
I don't have the accent.
When I try and sound threatening, it sounds more humiliating.
(POSH) Come on, then! It doesn't strike fear.
Come on, then, if you think you're hard enough! Sounds more like a homosexual invitation, if you're honest.
People do confuse homosexuality with campness.
This has led to the expression "very gay".
People enquire as to someone's sexuality, and they'll go, "Oh, he's very gay.
" "Oh, he's VERY gay.
" There aren't degrees of sexuality - either you're gay or you're not gay.
"Oh, TREMENDOUSLY gay! Oh, the gayest of ALL gays!" "Is he gay?" "Medium gay, he's a medium gay.
" "What about him?" "Oh, just the tiniest gay, just a little bit gay.
"He just flicks balls and runs away.
" No more gay than the flick and run.
Ah! I'm not more gay.
I think the gayest I say gayest, the campest man.
The most obviously homosexual man I have ever seen was on Big Brother.
There was this Scottish ballet dancer and he literally did ballet all day.
All-day ballet! Literally, just walking around Just swanning throughout the house "Och! "All of youse are just winding me up.
" "If you've got something to say, say it to my face.
" "Do you think it's been easy?! "D'you think it's been easy being me? "Well, it hasnae been easy! "When I came out "When I came out ".
.
to my parents at 18" I was watching this on TV and thinking, sorry, you felt the need to come out?! You sat your parents down in the kitchen "Mum, Dad, take a seat.
"I've got an announcement to make.
"It might come as quite a shock.
" Why is it when people say, "Have you got a pen?" you know you don't have a pen, but you still frisk yourself? "I don't believe I do have a pen.
"Do you believe me?" You really want to help them as well.
You start talking about pens you had.
"I HAD a pen.
"I can see the pen in my MIND.
"If you had come to me earlier, you would be writing now, I'm so sorry!" Sometimes you're on the phone, and people will go, "Have you got a pen to take down a number?" And you immediately say yes, even though you don't have a pen.
We all like to play a little game called "Say you have a pen "and then try to find the pen before they give the number".
So they'll go, "Do you have a pen?" And you go yes Sometimes they start giving you the number and you still don't have the pen.
"It's 0202" Sometimes you never find the pen and you pretend to take down the number, and you never even get the number, cos you feel too embarrassed to go, "I lied about the pen.
"I lied about the pen.
"I KNOW I shouldn't have done it! I lied about the pen.
"Can we ever get over this hurdle and start again?" In Argos, do you take the pen? You think of taking the pen.
You're in Argos, you look at the pen, you think, "I could take this pen.
" But I don't know if this pen goes with my lifestyle.
What if someone said, "Have you got a pen?" and I go, "I have the Argos pen.
" "The IKEA pencil? I'm not doing well in the credit crunch.
" Argos is the weirdest shop on earth.
Argos is the shop that said, "We think shops should be like this.
" And all other shops went, "No.
" "We'll stick with putting the stuff in the shop, then they pick it, then they pay.
" And Argos went, "People don't want a shop like that! "They want a big BOOK of shopping!" You need to be in pretty good physical condition to get to the index of the book, don't you? You see people sort of limbering up, going Whoa! Christ! Then when you find what you want, you have to do a little stock check.
I have to do my own stock check here.
Then you write it down.
You pay money, you get a new piece of paper.
You still don't even have what you paid for.
Then you go to probably the most depressing area in life.
Literally.
It's like bingo, but you win what you've already paid for.
There are rows of seating.
You feel like It's like a theatre for the poor.
I've never seen anything quite so dispiriting.
Had another baby.
I've had two babies now.
Difficult.
Well, amazing.
It's a wonderful thing to make babies.
You know, it's a lengthy process.
Pregnancy is hard and long.
The whole thing.
Seeing that little picture on the scan.
It's lovely, exciting, there he is.
You can't really make him out, but you pretend.
Oh, somewhere there.
They all look the same.
I don't even know if the technology exists.
Somebody showed me their baby, it's like, I'm having this baby.
No, that's MY baby! I HAVE that baby! Do you think when I smile, I look like a fat Chinese man? I have to keep a straight face when I order Chinese, because the waiters think I'm Chinese and speak Chinese to me.
"I'll have the lemon chicken.
" My son has the same eyes.
It's very sweet.
Little baby looking up at me with his Chinesey eyes and big floppy hair that makes me know that he's mine.
And his little black face that makes me doubt it.
"Are you sure this is mine, darling?" He was actually late.
My baby was late.
They have like a due date, and he missed it, so my wife was over pregnant.
And all parents always give you advice.
Everyone who's been through it offers advice.
And the same advice kept coming back to us to try to induce labour in your overdue pregnant wife, you should have sex and eat curry.
People kept saying, "Oh, yes, sex and curry.
" Sex and curry?! There's no prizes for guessing who might have come up with this theory.
Men are sitting in pubs going, "I can't believe we got away with that! "D'you think we can get football in?" My wife and I tried it until we were thrown out of the Raj King, Muswell Hill.
APPLAUSE So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first of your star turns this evening? CHEERING It gives me great pleasure to introduce a legend of this industry, a multi-award-winning star of comedy all the way from America.
Please give all your love for the fantastic Mr Rich Hall, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE Woo! Yee-ha! Thank you! I have no Western agenda whatsoever.
I just always wanted to walk out on a big stage dressed like this, and hurl my hat into the audience.
Now, put it on, you bastard! Wear it! Put it on.
Lose the tie.
It doesn't look right.
You look like a Dallas banker.
What kind of work do you do there? Finance.
Finance.
What bank do you work for? Dresdner Kleinwort.
I've ever heard of 'em.
Who? Crechley Finewater? Dresdner Kleinwort.
Right.
You're not a banker at all, are you? Tell you what I love, is British money.
It's fantastic, right? The things you can do with it.
You can fold the Queen over and make her look like John McEnroe.
That's a good hour right there.
The most astounding thing about British money is that it has inventors.
It has social scientists, it has people of significance on it.
Darwin is on the £10 note, ladies and gentlemen.
That would not happen in America.
Wooh! One evolutionist in the audience, apparently.
With a big banner "In God we trust", there wouldn't be a picture of Darwin going That's why Britain's very smart to disassociate itself from American economics when the whole big meltdown happened, right, because you have wonderful money.
You've never been part of the euro.
The euro is clearly for countries who don't have enough famous people to put on their own money.
Like Belgium.
They used to have pictures of missing kittens on their currency, remember? People ask me all the time, "Rich, how did you end up becoming a comedian?" I always say "Why do you say 'end up', like I made a mistake"? That's the kind of polite conversation you have with a tramp.
"So, fella, how did you end up in a skip?" The most fantastic job in the world, right? Make people laugh.
You, fella, with all that stress on your face.
Look at you, sitting in the front row, trying to get the jokes before anyone else.
How desperate are you for comedy, my friend? You people, Brits HE SPEAKS What? I wasn't expecting a response.
Do you work? I'm a student.
A student, all right.
No more questions, your honour.
It's very easy.
No heavy lifting.
Why don't you think about being a comedian? What are you studying? History.
History.
That goes back a long time, doesn't it? Try American history.
Couple of hundred years, boom, you're done.
Listen.
Here's the thing.
You just say intelligent things stupidly.
That's all there is to being a comedian.
Or maybe it's stupid things intelligently.
It's not rocket surgery, I'll tell you that right now.
That's what I get asked all the time.
"Were you the class clown?" Screw you! Why would you suggest I took a childhood disorder and turned it into a career, you prick? No one ever says to a hooker, "Were you the class whore? I bet you were the class whore, weren't you?" Let the mystery be! I love watching Brits snap.
That is the greatest thing in the world.
When a Brit snaps, you don't even know they've snapped.
Not like Americans, who take out eight or nine people with a high-powered rifle, cos they're social animals.
Brits snap and you go, two hours later, thinking, "I think that guy snapped while I was talking to him.
"That point where he crushed the pint glass with his hand, he was a bit pissed off".
That's why when it comes to a war on terror, something we invented, the war on terror, because Brits would never have a war on terror, cos what's not terrifying to Brits? Everything! They just don't show it.
You've had giants plucking your daughters out of villages a couple of thousand years ago.
Look that one up, history boy.
It's true! So the basic British reaction to anything terrifying is this.
"How much is this gonna cost?" You can't reallythat's why I'm pretty sure the whole terrorism thing, I think, terrorism has given up on Britain, because what can they possibly do? I would never compare the scope and tragedy of the World Trade Center to the bombs that blew up in London, but the reaction is completely different.
America still has its entire culture of fear about terrorism.
It basically manifests itself by terror alerts being scrolled across the bottom of the TV screen, by colour.
No explanation whatsoever.
"Today's terror alert is orange.
Now back to our show".
What does that mean? Orange, that's accidents, road works.
That's not good.
It means "Be very, very aware of terror.
"So dwell on it now and then".
Whereas in Britain, they blew up the buses in London, next day, people were back at the bus stop waiting for the bus, right? And complaining about it, cos they're Brits.
"Bus is late".
What do you mean, it's late? The one yesterday blew up.
"Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Today's today.
"I live in the present, and the bus is late!" That's why when you watch a Brit snap, you've got to get really close to 'em.
They'll pick a high street and just corkscrew for a while.
Not even knowing what directionwhat direction is corkscrew anyway? Then you get too close, and get sucked into the vortex.
"Are you OK?" "Hmm".
That moment when a Brit truly snaps looks like this.
"I'm going to write a letter.
"I have been pushed to the brink, you bastard.
"Nobody treats me like this, you son of a bitch.
I'm not e-mailing this, "I'm writing this.
Wait till you get that tomorrow.
Big red pillar box, write the mail" "Postal strike.
" So when I watch Barack Obama, and he actually said this.
This is what most Americans think.
I guarantee that Brits don't think like this.
They just know.
Barack Obama says, "We're not gonna win the war on terror until we've found Osama bin Laden.
" That, to me, proves that most Americans believe that there's just one guy running the entire operation, one Lex Luthor evil guy sitting in a cave, pushing evil buttons.
Every Brit knows it's not even a movement, it's beyond that.
It's not a guy in a cave, it's a thing with tentacles.
That's not a good description, but you know what I mean.
But you explain to an American, he's notmaybe he is the evillest guy on the planet, whatever, but that's because we've designated him that.
If he's the evillest guy on the planet, stop sending video tapes.
Update your technology.
DVDs, all right? Apparently in his last videotape, he was seen in a cave with his financial adviser, who had no legs.
We haven't even caught that guy.
That's why when you explain to an American, "No, it's not one guy, it's this thing, a movement" "No, he's the guy.
"We've got to get Osama".
And you have to explain, "He's the face of terror.
He's a franchise, he's a brand".
"What do you mean?" "It's kind of like Kentucky Fried Chicken.
"Just because the Colonel's picture's on the bucket, doesn't mean he's actually making the chicken".
I hope they don't get too confused.
"What, Colonel Sanders "is involved with Al Qaeda?" "No, I didn't say that! "I never said that!" "I knew it, that bastard! That beard was a giveaway, that son of a bitch with his secret herbs and spices.
"Get Sanders! He's number two!" In this country, though, I was rewarded, in a weird way.
I have to preface this story by saying I'm not in this country illegally.
Now Last summer, I got this thing in the mail, this commandment.
I opened it up, and it's from the Queen, and it says "You, Richard Hall, are commanded to come to Buckingham Palace on such and such a day "in June to help celebrate Americans who have made a cultural contribution to Britain".
Me? Look at me, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm talking to history students and throwing my hat at people.
So I show it to my lovely wife, my wonderful wife, and I say, "Look at this.
It says 'commanded'.
"Does that mean I have to go?" And she says, "No, you don't have to go, but you should go to Buckingham Palace.
It's better than Graceland".
That's the best argument I ever heard for going.
The Queen won't be there.
They're never at these things.
Just go.
There'll be free drinks, lots of portraits to look at and fantastic furniture, and I figure, I've been to Graceland and I didn't meet the King.
Now I'll go to Buckingham Palace and not meet the Queen.
That balances out perfectly.
It didn't say "plus one" either.
So I put on a suit and go to Buckingham Palace, and I go up to the guard.
I have my commandment, and I show it to him.
I say, "I have this commandment", and the guard says, "Go through the gates.
It's around back".
And he turns away.
He doesn't even escort me.
Through the gates and around back, like it's a basement jazz club.
"Knock three times and ask for Roscoe".
And they just let me through.
And I'm walking across the pebbly part.
I can hear all the tourists up against the fence going, "Look at that crazy person.
There's a crazy man inside.
He's going to go through a bedroom window.
"Trust me, he's nuts".
So I go underneath and around the back and up the stairs into this huge ballroom, and here is the gathering of Americans who've made a cultural contribution to Britain, ladies and gentlemen.
The only person I recognise in the entire room is Don Johnson from Miami Vice.
Of all the people you would imagineno, just Don Johnson.
And he's porked out these days.
He's got that William Shatner kind of 10lbs of shit stuffed into a 5lb bag kind of look.
Big blue linen suit, going "I'm in Guys And Dolls in the West End.
"Come on down!" And I think, "Holy shit, it's Don Johnson.
"This is already worth the trip".
I'm trying to be his friend and he's ignoring me, but I shook his hand and I was thinking, I'd stayed for an hour.
I thought, "That was a good afternoon.
I met Don Johnson.
"I had a few drinks.
Got to see the inside of Buckingham Palace".
So I'm about to leave, and then I hear this "Everyone, queue up.
"You're going to meet the Queen".
And I'm thinking, "Oh, holy shit.
"I wasn't expecting this.
"Obviously, there's some etiquette involved.
I don't know what it is".
And I'm trying to sneak out, but they kind of herd me back in.
So I figure, "Whatever Don Johnson does, that's what I'll do.
He knows his way around these situations.
" So I get behind him in the queue, and we're moving forward.
And all of a sudden, these two huge security guys just materialise on either side of me.
I'm moving forward, and they're moving along beside me.
Finally, one of them reaches over and says, "Is your name Richard Hall?" "Yeah".
"You're a comedian?" "Yeah".
"If the Queen says anything to you, don't say anything back to her.
"Nothing.
Not a word".
What are they are picking on me for? They're picking on me because I'm a comedian and they think I'm going to say something smart.
"The stamps don't do you justice, sweetheart.
You are hot! "Who's the old guy? "You seeing anyone these days?" I don't want to say anything to her.
We go around the corner, and there's a greeter who steps you forward and introduces you to the Queen.
So the greeter steps Don Johnson forward, and he goes up to the Queen and says, "Your Majesty, Don Johnson, actor.
She looks him right in the eye and says "Tubbs?" He says "No, Crockett, your Majesty.
"It was Crockett".
You could see the disappointment in his face.
He was going, "I was Crockett for nine years.
"You bat!" And I'm thinking, "Holy shit, the Queen watches TV.
"Even if she got the characters backwards, at least I know she watches TV".
And now I'm thinking, "They'll step me forward and go, 'Your Majesty, "here's Moe the bartender from The Simpsons'".
And she'd have something to talk about.
But I don't even get that dignity.
They step me forward and the greeter says "Your Majesty, Rich Hall, comedian".
She doesn't say anything, but Prince Philip leans forward and says, "Canadian?" The security guards are on me so fast.
They just whisk me away like that.
Under my armpits.
My legs are dangling off the ground.
I'm taken down this hallway.
"What are you doing here?" "I was invited".
"This is for Americans".
"I am American".
"He said you were Canadian".
"No, I'm a comedian".
The security guy says, "So that was a joke, was it?" I never said a word! And then they kicked me out.
Just walked me right out.
The people at the gates are going, "They got him! There he is.
"They caught him".
So I have no idea how I'm recognised in this country.
Maybe I shouldn't have even told that story, ladies and gentlemen.
You did not see me here tonight.
If anyone asks, you saw Lionel Richie live at the Apollo.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
You've been fantastic.
Good night! Rich Hall, ladies and gentlemen.
Rich Hall! We like America now! Yay! Well, I'm feeling slightly tense, because I've just been told this will be in HD.
It'll be HD.
You can see me in HD.
Why would you want to see anyone in HD? Do people look at other people and go, "I want to see everything about you"? I have a TV that's HD ready.
It's HD ready.
I don't have it, but it's ready.
Just looks at me saying, "I'm ready.
"Just so you know, I'm ready for HD.
"Any time you want to get HDready.
"Totally prepared.
"No rush to get HD, but when you get it, what you will find is a TV who was born ready for HD.
" I feel sorry for the TV in the bedroom that sits there going, "Please don't get HD.
"I'm not ready.
"Totally unprepared for HD.
"I don't even know what HD is".
People want to go away for winter sun.
You start Googling "winter sun".
Googling is risky anyway.
In the modern day, when a woman in a household says, "I'm just going "to go on the internet", alarm bells ring in the mind of a man.
"Right, let me sort the computer out.
That should be fine".
"It's as if no one's been on here!" "It does that.
" How stressful is it going on holiday? "Who's got the passports? Shall we take individual passports? "I will take all passports.
I will take on all passport responsibility!" At the airport, everyone's checking.
Every few seconds, people just walking LAUGHTER Sometimes, for some reason, you don't find them.
HE SCREAMS It's OK.
Sorry, I was looking in the wrong pocket.
I've got them.
Oh, my God, I thought it was over! People never want to show you their photo.
People always want to see it.
"Can I see the photo?" "No! You can never see my photo.
" "Please!" "No! I'm so ugly in this photo!" Do you know what passports are? They're an accurate representation of your face so that you can pass ports.
That's what you look like, OK? Deal with it.
You'll probably notice when you go through Customs, people don't go, "Oh! You're so hideous, but quite model-like in the flesh.
"I will NOT believe it's you.
" They don't do that, do they? They go, "Ugly, ugly, get the bags.
" Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the next star turn on tonight's Live At The Apollo? CHEERING This is a man who I've known for some time will be a sensational comedian, and that time has come.
He's been playing to packed houses up and down the country, and this year was nominated for the biggest award in stand-up comedy in this country.
You're going to love him.
Please give it up for Mr Rhod Gilbert! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hello, Apollo! AUDIENCE: Hello! I'm from Wales! JEERING Don't be like that.
Do we have any Welsh people here? Yes! There's one! One person in 3,000.
Did you grow up in Wales? Yes! It's tough, isn't it? LAUGHTER How old were you when you realised you could take a cagoule off? It's not rhetorical.
I'm waiting for an answer.
It's true.
In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Is that still the best summer you remember? There was a hosepipe ban that year - do remember that? It's nice to be here in London.
I drove down from Wales to be here.
I seem to spend most of my life on motorways, in motorway service stations.
What's happened to them? Do you remember the good old days of motorway services? Petrol and a porn mag.
That's all you could get.
The halcyon days of the petrol station.
Now you have to be in there all day.
You have to spend hours.
They have to sell you everything under the sun.
Every piece of unrelated crap, don't they? A lobby full of stuff that nobody needs.
I only stopped for a poo.
I came out with a two-man tent, a director's chair and a torch with the power of a million candles, whatever the hell that is! Have you seen those things? They say, "Torch with the power of a million candles for £3.
99!" I go, "A million candles for £3.
99? "That's going to spell the end of the single candle, you mark my words.
" Tesco sell candles in packs of five for £1.
99.
That's a saving of nearly 400 grand you're getting there.
It's not much, but every little helps, doesn't it? And I buy these things.
Have you got any idea how bright a million candles is? Has anyone here got any notion, any inkling at all, of how bright a million I don't think in candles.
Do you? 100,000 has got to be enough for any domestic situation, hasn't it? Have you ever been down the cellar with 900,000 candles and thought, "This is hopeless! "I can't see a bloody thing down here? "Throw me down another 100,000.
They're in the second drawer down.
"Let's get a bit of bloody light down here.
" I've only ever seen 26 candles lit at any one time.
It was my grandad's 90th.
He was mental by then, it didn't matter! He did have 90.
I got there late, and blowing out the first 64 killed him, unfortunately.
I had to ring my mother from the services about the torch thing.
I did, I had to ring my mother from the services about the bloody torch thing, cos my mother's the only person I know who uses a torch regularly.
Do your parents do that? Anybody here at that age yet? My mother has to have a torch by the bed every single night.
Has to have a torch.
She cannot go to bed without a torch.
Has to have a torch every single night! Has to have a torch by the bed.
It's in case there's a power cut in the night.
That's her thinking.
How will you know, Mother?! You switch everything off before you to go bed, anyway.
If you wake up in the night and everything's still off, why not assume all is well, you mental old bat, instead of rushing for the fuse box? That's where she's going.
"The fuse box, the fuse box!" She doesn't even know where it is or what it looks like.
She might as well keep the keys to the Batmobile by her bed! I've got no idea what people are talking about, have you? No idea.
I buy this stuff.
I tried to buy bedding not so long ago.
Has anybody done that? No.
Where does bedding come from?! You just accumulate bedding, don't you? Has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Have you? How did you get on? MAN: Ehnot too well.
Not too well.
Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It's like the Spanish Inquisition in there, isn't it? I went into Debenhams.
I said, "I'd like a duvet, please.
" She said, "What tog do you want?" I said, "What?" She said, "What tog?" I said, "What?" She said, "What tog?" I said, "I heard you, I just don't know what you're talking about! "I went to school, we did metric, feet and inches, nobody ever mentioned togs.
What is a tog?" She said, "It's the thickness of the duvet.
" I said, "OK, I'll have a million.
" I was thinking of torches again! She said, "You can have 8, 10.
5 LAUGHTER "12" I said, "0.
5?! 0.
5 of a tog?! "I don't know what a tog is.
How am I supposed to know if I want 0.
5?!" She said, "When will you be using it?" I said, "At night! When do you think I'd be using it?! It's a duvet, "isn't it? When do people normally use duvets? "Do you think I only go to bed Friday lunchtimes, in the ad breaks or when Jupiter aligns with Mars?" She said, "But will you be using it 52 weeks of the year?" I said, "No, I'm gonna sell it to Cash Converters, "and buy it back every now and again.
That makes a lot of sense.
" She said, "If you're buying it at this time of the year, get a 12.
5.
" I said, "What do you mean, IF?" "I'm here, aren't I? What other time of year can I be buying it?" I said, "You're here, I'm here.
This is the sale, this isn't a dry run.
"This is Debenhams, not The Italian Job.
"I'm not casing the bloody joint, let's do it now!" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not even finished.
I'm not even halfway through.
She said, "How much do you wanna spend?" I said, "If you're selling it now, about £30.
" She said, "Oh, you'll have to have feather.
"Oh, you'll have to have a feather one for that price.
" I said, "OK, I'll have a feather one.
That sounds all right.
" "Oh, no, they get a bit prickly.
"They get a bit prickly, the feather ones.
"It's the quill bits, they get a bit prickly.
" I thought, "What the hell are you doing filling a duvet with prickly quill bits?" I can't think of anything worse to fill a duvet with, unless you've got them full of stabby things or burny stuff.
I said, "I just want a nice, soft, comfortable duvet! "Is this too much to ask? Just give me a nice, soft, comfortable duvet.
" She said, "Well, get down, then.
" I hit the deck! She said, "Get up.
" I said, "You said, get down.
" She said, "I said, get down instead of feather, you bloody idiot! I said, "All right, I'll have down.
At last we're getting somewhere, Give me down.
" She said, "Do you want duck or goose?" I said, "I'm gonna punch you! "I don't care if it's duck or goose, I'm not gonna eat it.
I'm just sleep under the bloody thing! "All right, duck!" She didn't.
I punched her.
She went down.
I said, "I told you, duck.
" She said, "I thought you meant duck instead of goose.
" I said, "No, you started that shit.
I don't care if it's duck or goose.
" She said, "But goose is much more comfortable than duck.
" I thought, is it? Is it really that much more comfortable? How much more comfortable than duck can goose be? Have you ever seen a particularly uncomfortable duck, madam? Because I haven't.
Have you ever had a duck waddle up and say, "It's all right for them geese, this is bloody killing me, this!" Oh, dear Oh I almost I tried to ring my mother from Afghanistan earlier this year.
It's true.
You get to do some weird gigs in this job.
I go out to entertain the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq and all those places.
Has anybody been out to those places? Yeah! Have you? Really? Where are you? Give us a wave.
Are you in the forces? Or ex-forces? In the forces.
You're in the forces? Which one are you in? The Parachute Regiment.
The Paras? Yeah.
Shit! Anyone in the TA? Have you been out to those places? Yeah.
It's terrifying, isn't it? It's all right.
It's all right for you.
Yeah, you've got the training.
It's all right for you.
It's terrifying for us, as civilians.
See, that's the thing, you love to wind us up! You can't fly from Heathrow, can you? You have to fly with the RAF out to Baghdad or Kabul, don't you? As soon as you get on the flight, they love it.
If you're not in the forces, they love it.
On that flight, they seize every opportunity to wind you up.
20 minutes before you arrive in a war zone, they put all the lights out on the plane, don't they? Everything goes out.
It is terrifying.
Even the lights that flash on the end of a wing, everything goes out.
And it's terrifying.
And that's where you really start winding people up.
That's where you hand out your helmets and flak jackets and machine guns, for you, and we get a swimming cap and a glow stick to waggle about.
LAUGHTER It's true! They wind you up.
I was on that You can tell me if this is true.
I was on a flight to Kabul.
The first thing I did when we arrived in Kabul was, I went to switch my phone on.
Is this true? Movers, they call them, these logistics people in the army.
The girl saw me go to switch my phone on and she screamed at me.
She said, "You there! Turn your phone off! "Did you turn your phone on?" I said, "No!" I had, right.
She said, "Turn your phone off, turn your phone off!" I said, "Why?" She said This is the bit, I don't know if it's true.
She said, "The Taliban are in the foothills and the mountains around this airfield, "and if you so much as turn your phone on, "they have such sophisticated equipment, they can access the numbers that you've dialled.
" Is that true? Not far off.
Not far off.
LAUGHTER Cos I said I was just gonna ring my mum.
Tell her I'm safe.
She'll be worried.
I said, "I'm gonna ring my mum, tell her I've arrived.
" She said, "Whatever you do, "don't do that, because if you ring somebody, "not only do they know where you are, but they can access the numbers that you've dialled, "and the Taliban," she said, "will ring your mother.
" I said, "Oh, yeah?" Let 'em bloody ring her! They'll hang up before she does, I promise you that much! Unless they've got an unhealthy interest in next door's new caravan, they're gonna hang up before she does.
And they would regret it every Sunday after that, when they're trying to watch The Vicar Of Dibley, and she rings up.
"Who is it?" "It's Mrs Gilbert, the one with the caravan.
" "How did she get our number?" "She must have done 1471!" "Tell her I'm in the bath.
" "We live in a cave, you bloody idiot.
" "She's asking if I need a torch.
" "How bright?" "A million candles? What the hell are we gonna do with that?" "She's mental.
Just hang up.
" "I can't, she's gone to get the cat.
" That's my time.
It's been a pleasure to play for you.
I'm Rhod Gilbert.
Thank you very, very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rhod Gilbert, ladies and gentlemen! Superb.
Rhod Gilbert, ladies and gentlemen! Rhod Gilbert! The voice of Wales, no less.
Visit Wales! He's the Prince of Wales! We have to end this show, but it's been desperately fun.
I've had fun.
Have you enjoyed yourselves? CHEERING Fantastic.
Oh, it's been marvellous.
I've been drinking between the acts.
I'm completely lampshaded.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Oh-oh-oh You're so Oh, no.
False alarm.
As you were.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up, as we thank all the fantastic acts we've had tonight! Mr Rich Hall was here! And, of course, the fantastic Rhod Gilbert! From me, thank you very much! Good night! Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome your host for tonight, Michael McIntyre.
MUSIC: "Sex On Fire" by Kings Of Leon Your sex is on fire Oh, it is my home from home! Marvellous! Come on! Woo hoo! Right.
Oh, how thrilling.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you up for it? Are you up for a good night tonight? Yes! In here with your little plastic cups, your little plastic cups.
We don't want any glass in the auditorium, bit of plastic.
Don't drink too much, OK? Don't drink too much.
You may get drunk and if you get drunk, that's bad.
If you're posh, of course, you have a variety of options.
You can be trousered or trolleyed or wellied or rat-arsed.
You can actually use any word in the English language and substitute it to mean drunk as a posh person and it still sounds acceptable.
Did you have a drink last night? Are you joking? I got utterly gazeboed.
It fits.
Angus, you're driving.
I'm car parked.
Slow down, chaps, I'm pyjama'd.
So, I met a Geordie recently.
It was just me and him in a room.
He said, "Are youse lookin' at us?" How many mistakes can you make in one sentence? Seriously.
A true Geordie says the letter A and the letter E in exactly the same way.
A is E and E is E.
How can they function under these conditions? How can they pass eye tests? E, E, E, E, .
.
I think it's an E.
A, E, I, O, U.
Geordie - E, E, E, E, E.
Old MacDonald had a farm, E E E E E.
It's not likely they'll get a Geordie to replace Carol Vorderman.
"I'll have a vowel, please, Geordie.
" "That's an E.
" "Another vowel.
" "That's an E.
" "And a vowel".
"I don't even need to look.
I can tell you it's an E.
" So the exciting thing about hosting this is I can talk to people.
I can talk to people who have come here and, oh! If I haven't already spotted Mr Jim Rosenthal from sport, ladies and gentlemen.
There was a time when there would just be sport.
And Rosenthal looked at sport and he said, "I need to introduce this.
" People are not introducing this activity enough.
And then Rosenthal arrived.
I know you best from the Grand Prix.
We don't get to play at Grand Prix ourselves.
The closest we get, of course, is driving on the motorway and then of course there is always that bit on the motorway when there is a police car and then suddenly everyone does 70.
Sometimes there are cars in the fast lane doing 70.
You know they weren't doing 70 before.
Sometimes this happens and then you see Highways Agency.
You have no jurisdiction here.
Piss off! Where is Aggie? There you are! It is Aggie from Kim and Aggie! Aggie, I know you are at the Queen of Clean.
The cleanest place I've ever been in my life was Montreal.
I went to Wikipedia, because I've been to Geneva, that's a very clean place.
And on Wikipedia, there's like a list of the cleanest places on earth.
And Montreal is number one.
It is literally the cleanest place you will ever go in your entire life.
Before I even left the airport, I was in the loo, OK? Door locked.
Occupe.
It's French.
They speak French there.
I'm on the loo, occupe, door locked.
Underneath the door came a mop.
And started mopping around my legs.
Then it banged on one of my legs.
I didn't know what this meant in Montreal.
So I lifted my leg and it mopped underneath it.
It did the same to the other one and the mophead just withdrew and I heard this, "Merci".
Jeez! Does it get cleaner?! Oh, Jon Culshaw! Hi, John.
Ladies and gentleman, Jon Culshaw! I love Jon Culshaw.
I can do impressions.
I can do Jools Holland.
Can I see if you fancy it? This is it.
Basically, Jools Holland is a man who I don't even know if he knows how he speaks.
Every syllable that comes out of his face, he seems shocked at.
Sort of BAD! LY! DRAWN! BOY! It seems quite confusing for him.
I can do the Lottery man as well, but I'm not very good at him.
You know the guy who goes, "Let's release those big money balls!" I'm quite good at it.
I'm fascinated by him.
I just wonder what it's like to be him in life.
Cos he must get recognised for his voice all the time.
Sort of ordering Chinese, "13, 22, 7! 4 "19! "And the bonus dish, 2.
"This is my wife, she measures 38-25-34.
" Or paying for petrol.
"Pump number seven.
"That's the 14th time I've used pump seven this year.
"50 litres!" APPLAUSE Do you like that song I came on to? The Kings of Leon? It's good, but the lyric is odd.
Seriously.
"Your sex is on fire?" What are they talking about? What is the inspiration for this lyric? "Darling, don't be alarmed.
" "What?" "Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency?" "O oh oh oh oh! My sex is on fire!" Ssssssss "What the hell's going on back there?!" Boxing hero, I have to say hello.
Gold medal winner.
Do we get a round of applause for a gold medal winner? APPLAUSE The gold medal is yours! He's hard! He's hard.
People look at you and they just think, "He could have me.
" You're hard, you're hard.
You live your life as a hard person.
I'm not hard.
I don't have the accent.
When I try and sound threatening, it sounds more humiliating.
(POSH) Come on, then! It doesn't strike fear.
Come on, then, if you think you're hard enough! Sounds more like a homosexual invitation, if you're honest.
People do confuse homosexuality with campness.
This has led to the expression "very gay".
People enquire as to someone's sexuality, and they'll go, "Oh, he's very gay.
" "Oh, he's VERY gay.
" There aren't degrees of sexuality - either you're gay or you're not gay.
"Oh, TREMENDOUSLY gay! Oh, the gayest of ALL gays!" "Is he gay?" "Medium gay, he's a medium gay.
" "What about him?" "Oh, just the tiniest gay, just a little bit gay.
"He just flicks balls and runs away.
" No more gay than the flick and run.
Ah! I'm not more gay.
I think the gayest I say gayest, the campest man.
The most obviously homosexual man I have ever seen was on Big Brother.
There was this Scottish ballet dancer and he literally did ballet all day.
All-day ballet! Literally, just walking around Just swanning throughout the house "Och! "All of youse are just winding me up.
" "If you've got something to say, say it to my face.
" "Do you think it's been easy?! "D'you think it's been easy being me? "Well, it hasnae been easy! "When I came out "When I came out ".
.
to my parents at 18" I was watching this on TV and thinking, sorry, you felt the need to come out?! You sat your parents down in the kitchen "Mum, Dad, take a seat.
"I've got an announcement to make.
"It might come as quite a shock.
" Why is it when people say, "Have you got a pen?" you know you don't have a pen, but you still frisk yourself? "I don't believe I do have a pen.
"Do you believe me?" You really want to help them as well.
You start talking about pens you had.
"I HAD a pen.
"I can see the pen in my MIND.
"If you had come to me earlier, you would be writing now, I'm so sorry!" Sometimes you're on the phone, and people will go, "Have you got a pen to take down a number?" And you immediately say yes, even though you don't have a pen.
We all like to play a little game called "Say you have a pen "and then try to find the pen before they give the number".
So they'll go, "Do you have a pen?" And you go yes Sometimes they start giving you the number and you still don't have the pen.
"It's 0202" Sometimes you never find the pen and you pretend to take down the number, and you never even get the number, cos you feel too embarrassed to go, "I lied about the pen.
"I lied about the pen.
"I KNOW I shouldn't have done it! I lied about the pen.
"Can we ever get over this hurdle and start again?" In Argos, do you take the pen? You think of taking the pen.
You're in Argos, you look at the pen, you think, "I could take this pen.
" But I don't know if this pen goes with my lifestyle.
What if someone said, "Have you got a pen?" and I go, "I have the Argos pen.
" "The IKEA pencil? I'm not doing well in the credit crunch.
" Argos is the weirdest shop on earth.
Argos is the shop that said, "We think shops should be like this.
" And all other shops went, "No.
" "We'll stick with putting the stuff in the shop, then they pick it, then they pay.
" And Argos went, "People don't want a shop like that! "They want a big BOOK of shopping!" You need to be in pretty good physical condition to get to the index of the book, don't you? You see people sort of limbering up, going Whoa! Christ! Then when you find what you want, you have to do a little stock check.
I have to do my own stock check here.
Then you write it down.
You pay money, you get a new piece of paper.
You still don't even have what you paid for.
Then you go to probably the most depressing area in life.
Literally.
It's like bingo, but you win what you've already paid for.
There are rows of seating.
You feel like It's like a theatre for the poor.
I've never seen anything quite so dispiriting.
Had another baby.
I've had two babies now.
Difficult.
Well, amazing.
It's a wonderful thing to make babies.
You know, it's a lengthy process.
Pregnancy is hard and long.
The whole thing.
Seeing that little picture on the scan.
It's lovely, exciting, there he is.
You can't really make him out, but you pretend.
Oh, somewhere there.
They all look the same.
I don't even know if the technology exists.
Somebody showed me their baby, it's like, I'm having this baby.
No, that's MY baby! I HAVE that baby! Do you think when I smile, I look like a fat Chinese man? I have to keep a straight face when I order Chinese, because the waiters think I'm Chinese and speak Chinese to me.
"I'll have the lemon chicken.
" My son has the same eyes.
It's very sweet.
Little baby looking up at me with his Chinesey eyes and big floppy hair that makes me know that he's mine.
And his little black face that makes me doubt it.
"Are you sure this is mine, darling?" He was actually late.
My baby was late.
They have like a due date, and he missed it, so my wife was over pregnant.
And all parents always give you advice.
Everyone who's been through it offers advice.
And the same advice kept coming back to us to try to induce labour in your overdue pregnant wife, you should have sex and eat curry.
People kept saying, "Oh, yes, sex and curry.
" Sex and curry?! There's no prizes for guessing who might have come up with this theory.
Men are sitting in pubs going, "I can't believe we got away with that! "D'you think we can get football in?" My wife and I tried it until we were thrown out of the Raj King, Muswell Hill.
APPLAUSE So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first of your star turns this evening? CHEERING It gives me great pleasure to introduce a legend of this industry, a multi-award-winning star of comedy all the way from America.
Please give all your love for the fantastic Mr Rich Hall, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE Woo! Yee-ha! Thank you! I have no Western agenda whatsoever.
I just always wanted to walk out on a big stage dressed like this, and hurl my hat into the audience.
Now, put it on, you bastard! Wear it! Put it on.
Lose the tie.
It doesn't look right.
You look like a Dallas banker.
What kind of work do you do there? Finance.
Finance.
What bank do you work for? Dresdner Kleinwort.
I've ever heard of 'em.
Who? Crechley Finewater? Dresdner Kleinwort.
Right.
You're not a banker at all, are you? Tell you what I love, is British money.
It's fantastic, right? The things you can do with it.
You can fold the Queen over and make her look like John McEnroe.
That's a good hour right there.
The most astounding thing about British money is that it has inventors.
It has social scientists, it has people of significance on it.
Darwin is on the £10 note, ladies and gentlemen.
That would not happen in America.
Wooh! One evolutionist in the audience, apparently.
With a big banner "In God we trust", there wouldn't be a picture of Darwin going That's why Britain's very smart to disassociate itself from American economics when the whole big meltdown happened, right, because you have wonderful money.
You've never been part of the euro.
The euro is clearly for countries who don't have enough famous people to put on their own money.
Like Belgium.
They used to have pictures of missing kittens on their currency, remember? People ask me all the time, "Rich, how did you end up becoming a comedian?" I always say "Why do you say 'end up', like I made a mistake"? That's the kind of polite conversation you have with a tramp.
"So, fella, how did you end up in a skip?" The most fantastic job in the world, right? Make people laugh.
You, fella, with all that stress on your face.
Look at you, sitting in the front row, trying to get the jokes before anyone else.
How desperate are you for comedy, my friend? You people, Brits HE SPEAKS What? I wasn't expecting a response.
Do you work? I'm a student.
A student, all right.
No more questions, your honour.
It's very easy.
No heavy lifting.
Why don't you think about being a comedian? What are you studying? History.
History.
That goes back a long time, doesn't it? Try American history.
Couple of hundred years, boom, you're done.
Listen.
Here's the thing.
You just say intelligent things stupidly.
That's all there is to being a comedian.
Or maybe it's stupid things intelligently.
It's not rocket surgery, I'll tell you that right now.
That's what I get asked all the time.
"Were you the class clown?" Screw you! Why would you suggest I took a childhood disorder and turned it into a career, you prick? No one ever says to a hooker, "Were you the class whore? I bet you were the class whore, weren't you?" Let the mystery be! I love watching Brits snap.
That is the greatest thing in the world.
When a Brit snaps, you don't even know they've snapped.
Not like Americans, who take out eight or nine people with a high-powered rifle, cos they're social animals.
Brits snap and you go, two hours later, thinking, "I think that guy snapped while I was talking to him.
"That point where he crushed the pint glass with his hand, he was a bit pissed off".
That's why when it comes to a war on terror, something we invented, the war on terror, because Brits would never have a war on terror, cos what's not terrifying to Brits? Everything! They just don't show it.
You've had giants plucking your daughters out of villages a couple of thousand years ago.
Look that one up, history boy.
It's true! So the basic British reaction to anything terrifying is this.
"How much is this gonna cost?" You can't reallythat's why I'm pretty sure the whole terrorism thing, I think, terrorism has given up on Britain, because what can they possibly do? I would never compare the scope and tragedy of the World Trade Center to the bombs that blew up in London, but the reaction is completely different.
America still has its entire culture of fear about terrorism.
It basically manifests itself by terror alerts being scrolled across the bottom of the TV screen, by colour.
No explanation whatsoever.
"Today's terror alert is orange.
Now back to our show".
What does that mean? Orange, that's accidents, road works.
That's not good.
It means "Be very, very aware of terror.
"So dwell on it now and then".
Whereas in Britain, they blew up the buses in London, next day, people were back at the bus stop waiting for the bus, right? And complaining about it, cos they're Brits.
"Bus is late".
What do you mean, it's late? The one yesterday blew up.
"Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Today's today.
"I live in the present, and the bus is late!" That's why when you watch a Brit snap, you've got to get really close to 'em.
They'll pick a high street and just corkscrew for a while.
Not even knowing what directionwhat direction is corkscrew anyway? Then you get too close, and get sucked into the vortex.
"Are you OK?" "Hmm".
That moment when a Brit truly snaps looks like this.
"I'm going to write a letter.
"I have been pushed to the brink, you bastard.
"Nobody treats me like this, you son of a bitch.
I'm not e-mailing this, "I'm writing this.
Wait till you get that tomorrow.
Big red pillar box, write the mail" "Postal strike.
" So when I watch Barack Obama, and he actually said this.
This is what most Americans think.
I guarantee that Brits don't think like this.
They just know.
Barack Obama says, "We're not gonna win the war on terror until we've found Osama bin Laden.
" That, to me, proves that most Americans believe that there's just one guy running the entire operation, one Lex Luthor evil guy sitting in a cave, pushing evil buttons.
Every Brit knows it's not even a movement, it's beyond that.
It's not a guy in a cave, it's a thing with tentacles.
That's not a good description, but you know what I mean.
But you explain to an American, he's notmaybe he is the evillest guy on the planet, whatever, but that's because we've designated him that.
If he's the evillest guy on the planet, stop sending video tapes.
Update your technology.
DVDs, all right? Apparently in his last videotape, he was seen in a cave with his financial adviser, who had no legs.
We haven't even caught that guy.
That's why when you explain to an American, "No, it's not one guy, it's this thing, a movement" "No, he's the guy.
"We've got to get Osama".
And you have to explain, "He's the face of terror.
He's a franchise, he's a brand".
"What do you mean?" "It's kind of like Kentucky Fried Chicken.
"Just because the Colonel's picture's on the bucket, doesn't mean he's actually making the chicken".
I hope they don't get too confused.
"What, Colonel Sanders "is involved with Al Qaeda?" "No, I didn't say that! "I never said that!" "I knew it, that bastard! That beard was a giveaway, that son of a bitch with his secret herbs and spices.
"Get Sanders! He's number two!" In this country, though, I was rewarded, in a weird way.
I have to preface this story by saying I'm not in this country illegally.
Now Last summer, I got this thing in the mail, this commandment.
I opened it up, and it's from the Queen, and it says "You, Richard Hall, are commanded to come to Buckingham Palace on such and such a day "in June to help celebrate Americans who have made a cultural contribution to Britain".
Me? Look at me, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm talking to history students and throwing my hat at people.
So I show it to my lovely wife, my wonderful wife, and I say, "Look at this.
It says 'commanded'.
"Does that mean I have to go?" And she says, "No, you don't have to go, but you should go to Buckingham Palace.
It's better than Graceland".
That's the best argument I ever heard for going.
The Queen won't be there.
They're never at these things.
Just go.
There'll be free drinks, lots of portraits to look at and fantastic furniture, and I figure, I've been to Graceland and I didn't meet the King.
Now I'll go to Buckingham Palace and not meet the Queen.
That balances out perfectly.
It didn't say "plus one" either.
So I put on a suit and go to Buckingham Palace, and I go up to the guard.
I have my commandment, and I show it to him.
I say, "I have this commandment", and the guard says, "Go through the gates.
It's around back".
And he turns away.
He doesn't even escort me.
Through the gates and around back, like it's a basement jazz club.
"Knock three times and ask for Roscoe".
And they just let me through.
And I'm walking across the pebbly part.
I can hear all the tourists up against the fence going, "Look at that crazy person.
There's a crazy man inside.
He's going to go through a bedroom window.
"Trust me, he's nuts".
So I go underneath and around the back and up the stairs into this huge ballroom, and here is the gathering of Americans who've made a cultural contribution to Britain, ladies and gentlemen.
The only person I recognise in the entire room is Don Johnson from Miami Vice.
Of all the people you would imagineno, just Don Johnson.
And he's porked out these days.
He's got that William Shatner kind of 10lbs of shit stuffed into a 5lb bag kind of look.
Big blue linen suit, going "I'm in Guys And Dolls in the West End.
"Come on down!" And I think, "Holy shit, it's Don Johnson.
"This is already worth the trip".
I'm trying to be his friend and he's ignoring me, but I shook his hand and I was thinking, I'd stayed for an hour.
I thought, "That was a good afternoon.
I met Don Johnson.
"I had a few drinks.
Got to see the inside of Buckingham Palace".
So I'm about to leave, and then I hear this "Everyone, queue up.
"You're going to meet the Queen".
And I'm thinking, "Oh, holy shit.
"I wasn't expecting this.
"Obviously, there's some etiquette involved.
I don't know what it is".
And I'm trying to sneak out, but they kind of herd me back in.
So I figure, "Whatever Don Johnson does, that's what I'll do.
He knows his way around these situations.
" So I get behind him in the queue, and we're moving forward.
And all of a sudden, these two huge security guys just materialise on either side of me.
I'm moving forward, and they're moving along beside me.
Finally, one of them reaches over and says, "Is your name Richard Hall?" "Yeah".
"You're a comedian?" "Yeah".
"If the Queen says anything to you, don't say anything back to her.
"Nothing.
Not a word".
What are they are picking on me for? They're picking on me because I'm a comedian and they think I'm going to say something smart.
"The stamps don't do you justice, sweetheart.
You are hot! "Who's the old guy? "You seeing anyone these days?" I don't want to say anything to her.
We go around the corner, and there's a greeter who steps you forward and introduces you to the Queen.
So the greeter steps Don Johnson forward, and he goes up to the Queen and says, "Your Majesty, Don Johnson, actor.
She looks him right in the eye and says "Tubbs?" He says "No, Crockett, your Majesty.
"It was Crockett".
You could see the disappointment in his face.
He was going, "I was Crockett for nine years.
"You bat!" And I'm thinking, "Holy shit, the Queen watches TV.
"Even if she got the characters backwards, at least I know she watches TV".
And now I'm thinking, "They'll step me forward and go, 'Your Majesty, "here's Moe the bartender from The Simpsons'".
And she'd have something to talk about.
But I don't even get that dignity.
They step me forward and the greeter says "Your Majesty, Rich Hall, comedian".
She doesn't say anything, but Prince Philip leans forward and says, "Canadian?" The security guards are on me so fast.
They just whisk me away like that.
Under my armpits.
My legs are dangling off the ground.
I'm taken down this hallway.
"What are you doing here?" "I was invited".
"This is for Americans".
"I am American".
"He said you were Canadian".
"No, I'm a comedian".
The security guy says, "So that was a joke, was it?" I never said a word! And then they kicked me out.
Just walked me right out.
The people at the gates are going, "They got him! There he is.
"They caught him".
So I have no idea how I'm recognised in this country.
Maybe I shouldn't have even told that story, ladies and gentlemen.
You did not see me here tonight.
If anyone asks, you saw Lionel Richie live at the Apollo.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
You've been fantastic.
Good night! Rich Hall, ladies and gentlemen.
Rich Hall! We like America now! Yay! Well, I'm feeling slightly tense, because I've just been told this will be in HD.
It'll be HD.
You can see me in HD.
Why would you want to see anyone in HD? Do people look at other people and go, "I want to see everything about you"? I have a TV that's HD ready.
It's HD ready.
I don't have it, but it's ready.
Just looks at me saying, "I'm ready.
"Just so you know, I'm ready for HD.
"Any time you want to get HDready.
"Totally prepared.
"No rush to get HD, but when you get it, what you will find is a TV who was born ready for HD.
" I feel sorry for the TV in the bedroom that sits there going, "Please don't get HD.
"I'm not ready.
"Totally unprepared for HD.
"I don't even know what HD is".
People want to go away for winter sun.
You start Googling "winter sun".
Googling is risky anyway.
In the modern day, when a woman in a household says, "I'm just going "to go on the internet", alarm bells ring in the mind of a man.
"Right, let me sort the computer out.
That should be fine".
"It's as if no one's been on here!" "It does that.
" How stressful is it going on holiday? "Who's got the passports? Shall we take individual passports? "I will take all passports.
I will take on all passport responsibility!" At the airport, everyone's checking.
Every few seconds, people just walking LAUGHTER Sometimes, for some reason, you don't find them.
HE SCREAMS It's OK.
Sorry, I was looking in the wrong pocket.
I've got them.
Oh, my God, I thought it was over! People never want to show you their photo.
People always want to see it.
"Can I see the photo?" "No! You can never see my photo.
" "Please!" "No! I'm so ugly in this photo!" Do you know what passports are? They're an accurate representation of your face so that you can pass ports.
That's what you look like, OK? Deal with it.
You'll probably notice when you go through Customs, people don't go, "Oh! You're so hideous, but quite model-like in the flesh.
"I will NOT believe it's you.
" They don't do that, do they? They go, "Ugly, ugly, get the bags.
" Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the next star turn on tonight's Live At The Apollo? CHEERING This is a man who I've known for some time will be a sensational comedian, and that time has come.
He's been playing to packed houses up and down the country, and this year was nominated for the biggest award in stand-up comedy in this country.
You're going to love him.
Please give it up for Mr Rhod Gilbert! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hello, Apollo! AUDIENCE: Hello! I'm from Wales! JEERING Don't be like that.
Do we have any Welsh people here? Yes! There's one! One person in 3,000.
Did you grow up in Wales? Yes! It's tough, isn't it? LAUGHTER How old were you when you realised you could take a cagoule off? It's not rhetorical.
I'm waiting for an answer.
It's true.
In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Is that still the best summer you remember? There was a hosepipe ban that year - do remember that? It's nice to be here in London.
I drove down from Wales to be here.
I seem to spend most of my life on motorways, in motorway service stations.
What's happened to them? Do you remember the good old days of motorway services? Petrol and a porn mag.
That's all you could get.
The halcyon days of the petrol station.
Now you have to be in there all day.
You have to spend hours.
They have to sell you everything under the sun.
Every piece of unrelated crap, don't they? A lobby full of stuff that nobody needs.
I only stopped for a poo.
I came out with a two-man tent, a director's chair and a torch with the power of a million candles, whatever the hell that is! Have you seen those things? They say, "Torch with the power of a million candles for £3.
99!" I go, "A million candles for £3.
99? "That's going to spell the end of the single candle, you mark my words.
" Tesco sell candles in packs of five for £1.
99.
That's a saving of nearly 400 grand you're getting there.
It's not much, but every little helps, doesn't it? And I buy these things.
Have you got any idea how bright a million candles is? Has anyone here got any notion, any inkling at all, of how bright a million I don't think in candles.
Do you? 100,000 has got to be enough for any domestic situation, hasn't it? Have you ever been down the cellar with 900,000 candles and thought, "This is hopeless! "I can't see a bloody thing down here? "Throw me down another 100,000.
They're in the second drawer down.
"Let's get a bit of bloody light down here.
" I've only ever seen 26 candles lit at any one time.
It was my grandad's 90th.
He was mental by then, it didn't matter! He did have 90.
I got there late, and blowing out the first 64 killed him, unfortunately.
I had to ring my mother from the services about the torch thing.
I did, I had to ring my mother from the services about the bloody torch thing, cos my mother's the only person I know who uses a torch regularly.
Do your parents do that? Anybody here at that age yet? My mother has to have a torch by the bed every single night.
Has to have a torch.
She cannot go to bed without a torch.
Has to have a torch every single night! Has to have a torch by the bed.
It's in case there's a power cut in the night.
That's her thinking.
How will you know, Mother?! You switch everything off before you to go bed, anyway.
If you wake up in the night and everything's still off, why not assume all is well, you mental old bat, instead of rushing for the fuse box? That's where she's going.
"The fuse box, the fuse box!" She doesn't even know where it is or what it looks like.
She might as well keep the keys to the Batmobile by her bed! I've got no idea what people are talking about, have you? No idea.
I buy this stuff.
I tried to buy bedding not so long ago.
Has anybody done that? No.
Where does bedding come from?! You just accumulate bedding, don't you? Has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Have you? How did you get on? MAN: Ehnot too well.
Not too well.
Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It's like the Spanish Inquisition in there, isn't it? I went into Debenhams.
I said, "I'd like a duvet, please.
" She said, "What tog do you want?" I said, "What?" She said, "What tog?" I said, "What?" She said, "What tog?" I said, "I heard you, I just don't know what you're talking about! "I went to school, we did metric, feet and inches, nobody ever mentioned togs.
What is a tog?" She said, "It's the thickness of the duvet.
" I said, "OK, I'll have a million.
" I was thinking of torches again! She said, "You can have 8, 10.
5 LAUGHTER "12" I said, "0.
5?! 0.
5 of a tog?! "I don't know what a tog is.
How am I supposed to know if I want 0.
5?!" She said, "When will you be using it?" I said, "At night! When do you think I'd be using it?! It's a duvet, "isn't it? When do people normally use duvets? "Do you think I only go to bed Friday lunchtimes, in the ad breaks or when Jupiter aligns with Mars?" She said, "But will you be using it 52 weeks of the year?" I said, "No, I'm gonna sell it to Cash Converters, "and buy it back every now and again.
That makes a lot of sense.
" She said, "If you're buying it at this time of the year, get a 12.
5.
" I said, "What do you mean, IF?" "I'm here, aren't I? What other time of year can I be buying it?" I said, "You're here, I'm here.
This is the sale, this isn't a dry run.
"This is Debenhams, not The Italian Job.
"I'm not casing the bloody joint, let's do it now!" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not even finished.
I'm not even halfway through.
She said, "How much do you wanna spend?" I said, "If you're selling it now, about £30.
" She said, "Oh, you'll have to have feather.
"Oh, you'll have to have a feather one for that price.
" I said, "OK, I'll have a feather one.
That sounds all right.
" "Oh, no, they get a bit prickly.
"They get a bit prickly, the feather ones.
"It's the quill bits, they get a bit prickly.
" I thought, "What the hell are you doing filling a duvet with prickly quill bits?" I can't think of anything worse to fill a duvet with, unless you've got them full of stabby things or burny stuff.
I said, "I just want a nice, soft, comfortable duvet! "Is this too much to ask? Just give me a nice, soft, comfortable duvet.
" She said, "Well, get down, then.
" I hit the deck! She said, "Get up.
" I said, "You said, get down.
" She said, "I said, get down instead of feather, you bloody idiot! I said, "All right, I'll have down.
At last we're getting somewhere, Give me down.
" She said, "Do you want duck or goose?" I said, "I'm gonna punch you! "I don't care if it's duck or goose, I'm not gonna eat it.
I'm just sleep under the bloody thing! "All right, duck!" She didn't.
I punched her.
She went down.
I said, "I told you, duck.
" She said, "I thought you meant duck instead of goose.
" I said, "No, you started that shit.
I don't care if it's duck or goose.
" She said, "But goose is much more comfortable than duck.
" I thought, is it? Is it really that much more comfortable? How much more comfortable than duck can goose be? Have you ever seen a particularly uncomfortable duck, madam? Because I haven't.
Have you ever had a duck waddle up and say, "It's all right for them geese, this is bloody killing me, this!" Oh, dear Oh I almost I tried to ring my mother from Afghanistan earlier this year.
It's true.
You get to do some weird gigs in this job.
I go out to entertain the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq and all those places.
Has anybody been out to those places? Yeah! Have you? Really? Where are you? Give us a wave.
Are you in the forces? Or ex-forces? In the forces.
You're in the forces? Which one are you in? The Parachute Regiment.
The Paras? Yeah.
Shit! Anyone in the TA? Have you been out to those places? Yeah.
It's terrifying, isn't it? It's all right.
It's all right for you.
Yeah, you've got the training.
It's all right for you.
It's terrifying for us, as civilians.
See, that's the thing, you love to wind us up! You can't fly from Heathrow, can you? You have to fly with the RAF out to Baghdad or Kabul, don't you? As soon as you get on the flight, they love it.
If you're not in the forces, they love it.
On that flight, they seize every opportunity to wind you up.
20 minutes before you arrive in a war zone, they put all the lights out on the plane, don't they? Everything goes out.
It is terrifying.
Even the lights that flash on the end of a wing, everything goes out.
And it's terrifying.
And that's where you really start winding people up.
That's where you hand out your helmets and flak jackets and machine guns, for you, and we get a swimming cap and a glow stick to waggle about.
LAUGHTER It's true! They wind you up.
I was on that You can tell me if this is true.
I was on a flight to Kabul.
The first thing I did when we arrived in Kabul was, I went to switch my phone on.
Is this true? Movers, they call them, these logistics people in the army.
The girl saw me go to switch my phone on and she screamed at me.
She said, "You there! Turn your phone off! "Did you turn your phone on?" I said, "No!" I had, right.
She said, "Turn your phone off, turn your phone off!" I said, "Why?" She said This is the bit, I don't know if it's true.
She said, "The Taliban are in the foothills and the mountains around this airfield, "and if you so much as turn your phone on, "they have such sophisticated equipment, they can access the numbers that you've dialled.
" Is that true? Not far off.
Not far off.
LAUGHTER Cos I said I was just gonna ring my mum.
Tell her I'm safe.
She'll be worried.
I said, "I'm gonna ring my mum, tell her I've arrived.
" She said, "Whatever you do, "don't do that, because if you ring somebody, "not only do they know where you are, but they can access the numbers that you've dialled, "and the Taliban," she said, "will ring your mother.
" I said, "Oh, yeah?" Let 'em bloody ring her! They'll hang up before she does, I promise you that much! Unless they've got an unhealthy interest in next door's new caravan, they're gonna hang up before she does.
And they would regret it every Sunday after that, when they're trying to watch The Vicar Of Dibley, and she rings up.
"Who is it?" "It's Mrs Gilbert, the one with the caravan.
" "How did she get our number?" "She must have done 1471!" "Tell her I'm in the bath.
" "We live in a cave, you bloody idiot.
" "She's asking if I need a torch.
" "How bright?" "A million candles? What the hell are we gonna do with that?" "She's mental.
Just hang up.
" "I can't, she's gone to get the cat.
" That's my time.
It's been a pleasure to play for you.
I'm Rhod Gilbert.
Thank you very, very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rhod Gilbert, ladies and gentlemen! Superb.
Rhod Gilbert, ladies and gentlemen! Rhod Gilbert! The voice of Wales, no less.
Visit Wales! He's the Prince of Wales! We have to end this show, but it's been desperately fun.
I've had fun.
Have you enjoyed yourselves? CHEERING Fantastic.
Oh, it's been marvellous.
I've been drinking between the acts.
I'm completely lampshaded.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Oh-oh-oh You're so Oh, no.
False alarm.
As you were.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up, as we thank all the fantastic acts we've had tonight! Mr Rich Hall was here! And, of course, the fantastic Rhod Gilbert! From me, thank you very much! Good night! Thank you!