Live at The Apollo (2004) s04e05 Episode Script

Lenny Henry, Ed Byrne, Andy Parsons

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight Lenny Henry! APPLAUSE Oh yeah! Good evening.
How you doing? Nice to see you, Barack Obama! RAPPING: Now he's in we're all a little bit calmer He's inspirational like the Dalai Lama When he goes down South he'll have to wear a suit of armour.
Loving him! And it's good he's a mixture, isn't it? His mum is from Kansas and his dad is from Africa.
And he's the first English-speaking president since Clinton.
He's not even the president yet, black people are calling him from all over America: "You promised me a Cadillac! "Where the hell is my flat-screen TV? "I voted for change, not small change! "Damn!" It's a good year for my people.
Anybody see Lewis Hamilton? AUDIENCE CHEER How did he do that? How did he pull a Pussycat Doll?! How fast do you have to drive to get one of them?! I've driven 72 on the M4, can I have a Nolan sister? All he talks about is Formula One "Well, the car's going really well.
Er" His face never moves.
"Car's going really well.
And the team's meshed really well.
"And we've got these tyres" HE SNORES He makes Beckham look like Socrates, for Christ's sake! He's obsessed by Formula One.
Even when he's making love, he gets to the end and goes, "Fantastic, I shaved two minutes off my time.
" Live at the Apollo, make some noise, come on! AUDIENCE CHEER Very nice to be here.
Yeah, man.
If you're watching this live, good evening, it's great to be here.
If you're watching this in six weeks on YouTube, good evening it's grrrrrrr ag-ag-ag-ag.
Rrrrr Ag-ag-ag-ag.
We've got some celebrities, you wanna meet some celebrities? We've got Lemar.
Lemar is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Hello, my brother.
If there's any justice in the world I would be your man, you would be my girl Baby.
You know what I'm saying, Lemar? Tune! I remember you from Fame Academy.
Remember Fame Academy? You remember it cos you were on it! Remember the day you combed your Afro out, Lemar? That was funny.
You had the biggest Afro in the universe.
You literally couldn't go upstairs on a bus, it was unbelievable.
Fame Academy was before talent shows got weird.
Cos they're weird now, ain't they? Everybody's gotta have an agenda - "I wanna win this for me gran, "she's got leukaemia.
"If I get the prize money, I'll give it me gran, "to pay for the operation.
I love ya, gran!" We're all at home going, "She's got to win for her gran!" Then she starts singing "Aaaaagh-I-I "Will always love you-o-o-o! "I-I-I will always love you-ooo!" Meanwhile the gran's at home watching - "You know what? I'd rather have the leukaemia!" Lemar.
We've got Tommy Walsh here, where's Tommy Walsh? Tommy Walsh from Ground Force is here! He's my favourite.
Hello, Tom.
All right, mate? Nice to see you.
Ground Force, that was a show.
I liked it when he did the makeover on Mandela's garden.
Remember? Yeah.
The man's been in jail for 26 years.
Dreaming of tending his fruit trees, flowers and his grass, and then you guys show up, "Right, where we gonna put the decking? "Charlie, sort the water feature out! "Try and spill some down your front.
Trellis, trellis, trellis!" Mandela's going mental - "What have you done?" Cos the brother sounds Japanese nowadays, doesn't he? "You've paved over my friggin' lawn.
"Why is this woman not wearing a bra? "I want to go back to jail.
" I'll tell you about myself so you don't have to look it up on Wikipedia.
"Lenny Henry was born on Dando Road.
" Nuh-nuh.
I wasn't.
I was born at Burton Road Hospital, Dudley.
"Lenny Henry went to Sledmere Primary School".
I went to St John's Primary School.
They should call it "Wrongipedia".
I think if they're gonna get it wrong they should go all the way, get it really wrong - "Lenny Henry is the only son of Arthur Henry, "founder of the UK branch of the Ku Klux Klan.
" Look at Lemar - "You wouldn't think it to look at him, would you?" I grew up in Dudley in the West Midlands.
CHEERING A lot of people grew up there cos it's the only thing there is to do.
"What you doing?" "Growing.
" In the '50s, my parents emigrated from Jamaica to Dudley.
Yeah, Nancy, I'm gonna say that again just for you.
They emigrated from Jamaica to Dudley.
What was my dad thinking? Bloody blue sky all the time.
"I want hail, sleet and snow.
"All this joyous reggae music! Where can a man get some Des O'Connor? "Winnie, pack your bags, we're going to Dudley!" They made me go to church every Sunday.
The Pentecostal Church of God in Prophecy.
You see, that's a black name.
White churches are always called things like St Thomas'.
We're all outside going, "St Thomas' what?" "St Thomas' epiphany of the shining light of God in Christ in West Bromwich? "Now that's a name!" You arrive late for church - "Sorry I'm late, I was reading the sign.
"It's as good as Stephen King.
" I went to Blue Coat Secondary Modern School in Dudley.
A lot of bullying there.
Back in the day, it was different, you get a punch in the face, you keep it to yourself, now you go to the head - "Peter Wilkinson's been punching me "every day since the start of term.
"I'm not gonna teach him any more.
" I've got a daughter, 17.
She's got a pet name for me.
"Taxi!" The only time I see her is in the car.
Even then she gets in the back.
I'm like, "How was school?" She's like, "You're not one of those cabbies who talks all the time, are you?" Her childhood's different.
When I was a kid it felt like everybody in Dudley had permission to beat me.
It wasn't just my mum.
I'd be mucking about in the street, suddenly bam! Mrs Fearon from number 14 slapped me round the face! She dragged me to my house and told my mum, "Mrs Henry, "I saw Len misbehaving in the street so I beat him for you.
" Do you know what my mother said to this woman? "Thank you very much.
"I have six other children, help yourself any time.
We made a documentary about my mum in Dudley last year.
My brother Paul said this on camera, no word of a lie Lenny, when Mum used to beat you, we used to think it was really funny.
Bastards! Where's the solidarity in that? I'm getting my arse torn up, they're eating popcorn, they've pulled up chairs.
"It's not as funny as last week.
"Mum, work the ribs now, work the ribs.
"Mum, Ali shuffle, remember? Ali! "Mum, like Popeye, remember? When mum beat me she always said the same thing.
"I'm not doing this for me, it's for your own good.
" Black parents are insane! "I'm not doing this for me, it's for your own good.
" All the white people - "What kind of parenting is that?" Lemar's like, "Yeah, me, too.
" Oh, man, you know what I'd like to see on television? Jamaican Supernanny.
"Beat him if he's been bad, beat him if he's been good! "Beat him to show how much you love him.
"Beat him till your arms hurt so much you have to beat him for making your arms hurt so much!" She wouldn't mess about.
"This is what I call the Naughty Chair.
"What's that for?" "You pick it up and you beat him with it! "I'm not doing this for me, it's for your own good!" Hammersmith Apollo, it's nice to be here.
I like a bit of travelling.
Black people have always travelled whether we wanted to or not.
LAUGHTER People would arrive in your village in Africa - "complimentary cruise to America!" It comes with these free bracelets.
"Thank you, this is marvellous.
"Look at this bling, it is brilliant.
"I think it's a Rolex.
Come on, everybody.
"We can walk like this in a line.
" That's why black athletes are so good at track and field.
Slavery! You never see that in the movies, do you? There's only one way off this plantation.
"We gotta make a run for it.
" "I can't.
" "Why not?" "I'm a triple-jumper.
" "You think you've got problems, I'm a tobogganist.
" My favourite part of the Olympics is when the brothers line up for the men's 100m.
I love that.
I keep thinking The Temptations have walked on.
I want the gun to go, boom! # I know you wanna leave me But I refuse to let you go If I have to APPLAUSE I just wanna say Usain Bolt.
The record-breaker from Jamaica gets the gold medal for the 100m stops halfway through.
He's like, "Thank you, thank you! And now for my encore, I will walk to the finish line.
" LAUGHTER People kept saying to me You know, the commentators were so in love with Usain.
"You Jamaican athletes, you're marvellous.
How do you run so fast? "What do you think contributes to your speed?" He said, "Rice and peas and chicken and dumpling and yam.
" I'm watching this thinking, that's why my family can't run for the bus.
What's he talking about?! Jamaicans did not win the marathon this year.
It's usually the Ethiopians, innit? But it's in their blood, right? Have you been to Ethiopia? I have.
Everything's 26 miles away.
They've had to learn to live with that shit.
That's why Ethiopians are smiling at the end of the marathon.
They've run 26 miles and didn't have to carry any shopping.
Thank you! Look, no bags, it is brilliant.
They're always trying to work out why the black athletes run so fast.
I was watching a documentary where they had this Kenyan runner on a treadmill surrounded by German scientists.
He had electrodes up the wazoo, he had a nose clip, an oxygen pipe.
They're looking at him, writing things down, seeing if he's got this fast twitch response.
I'm sorry, but bollocks.
I don't remember Steve Redgrave on a rowing machine in a lab in Lagos with Nigerian scientists going, "Keep going, Mr Redgrave, you're doing well.
" "Wait till he finds out he's powering the entire city.
"My TV hasn't worked this well in months.
"Faster, Steve, faster, my wife is using the microwave.
" Live At The Apollo I've seen some bands here.
I like being a comedian, but if I had my way I'd have my band up here, my fantasy band.
On guitar - Prince.
On bass guitar - Prince.
Keyboards - Prince.
I love Prince, he's a genius and he's little, isn't he? What is he? Nine inches? He's like a penis with a quiff.
On backing vocals, I'd have Tina Turner.
I'm your private dancer.
She's got that weird walk, innit? # I'm a private dancer.
# Leave her alone, she's 78.
She's got a big nappy on under that dress, Tina Turner.
Simply the best Whoosh! Better than all the rest.
I like to air dry.
A lot of white girls singing R&B now.
It's OK, you can have a go.
They can have a go, can't they, Lemar? We don't mind.
Who have you got? You've got Amy.
People are going, "No, we don't want her.
" You've got Adele.
# You hit me with your cold shoulder # Duffy.
And you know my favourite, though, Joss Stone.
Since before the Brits when she went mental.
Killer voice, 16 years old from Devon.
Some voodoo's gone on there, right? Right now in the Mississippi Delta, there's an old black woman walking round going, "Who the hell stole my voice?" WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: I could murder a pasty.
LAUGHTER What the hell is a pasty? I like a bit of dancing, though.
Me and Don Warrington are going clubbing later, innit, Don? We're like the HE BEATBOXES Whip, whip, whip.
# Pump that bass # HE BEATBOXES Whip, whip, whip, whip.
Fresh! We like the funk! But I don't go clubbing any more cos I embarrassed myself last time.
I was in this club standing by the DJ booth.
I had my drink, nice suit.
All I could hear was this HE WHOOPS I said to the DJ eventually, "Excuse me, pal, "Why don't you play proper music, this is just noise.
" He said, "Shut it, granddad, that's the fire alarm.
Piss off.
" HE MOUTHS Wanna see real dancing, you gotta go to Carnival.
Anybody go this year? AUDIENCE CHEER It's just an excuse for half-naked people to rub up against each other, isn't it? I saw this black woman with an afro and spangly bikini rubbing against this guy.
He was winding back.
She was grinding down like that.
He was winding up like that, wriggling against her like that and texting all the way through like this.
When the record finished, he asked for her number.
She said, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" "Get me, though.
" "Innit, though.
Get me, though.
"Got my babies, innit, though.
"Get me, though.
" I think Wimbledon should let black women in for free cos they could take it all in at once.
"Andy Murray, innit, though.
" A lot of hip hop floats at Carnival, I like that.
I like that old school hip hop though, when it first came along in the '70s, it had a real message, didn't it? They were like RAPPING: I said a hip hop a hippie a hippie to the hip hip hop You don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie Say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.
Yeah, it had a message all right Never let your kids write the lyrics.
Then in the '80s you had bands like NWA, Public Enemy.
Public Enemy, everything they did - bass in your face, London! Everything they did was angry and about conspiracy.
They were like RAPPING: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall He fell down Who pushed him? It was the government.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not so much into the gangster rap thing, that's where me and hip hop go like that.
It's all demeaning women and guns and shooting and murder.
Every track is preceded by this whole movie scenario, you know.
You wanna get down with your girlfriend, this is what you hear.
"Yo, man, you want some of this?" "Shut up, fool.
"We gotta shoot this brother, ditch the guns and get outta here "before LAPD bust a cap in our ass.
" "Man, I killed all them suckers, full shit!" How are you supposed to dance to that? Thank you! Thank you very much.
Thank you, Lemar.
Thank you, Tommy.
Thank you, what a lovely audience.
We got two fantastic comedians coming up for you tonight.
Will you please welcome our first guest, he's very, very funny, Mr Andy Parsons, give it up! APPLAUSE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Wooo! CHEERING How exciting is this? Hey? Hammersmith Apollo.
Yeah! LAUGHTER And you all seem quite up for it as well.
Sometimes British audiences can be accused of being a little reserved.
But we can get excited, can't we? CHEERING I saw a bloke on a train the other day, finished his sudoku puzzle and in front of the entire carriage, he went, "Yeah.
" LAUGHTER Being able to put the numbers one to nine in the right order! Who's the daddy?! So it is great to be here.
Always a bit nerve-wracking early on at a gig.
But let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it is a privilege to be part of a profession for the first time ever which is more secure than banking.
People are saying, "If the bankers are suffering, "we're all suffering.
" Yes, but as long as the bankers are suffering, we can take a little bit of pain.
I do sense there is a new mood in the world at the moment.
Just imagine us here tonight at the Apollo.
We could be the start of a revolution, ladies and gentlemen.
I sense a certain apathy in the room.
Hey, maybe tonight, we celebrate the eve of the revolution.
CHEERING Always going to be more likely.
The revolution needs alcohol, ladies and gentlemen! But there is change afoot.
Barack Obama is on his way.
They're saying he'll become the first black president of the USA.
Now, not to most Americans, will he? To most Americans he'll become the fourth black president of the USA after Wayne and David Palmer in the TV series, 24 LAUGHTER And Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact.
If Barack Obama hadn't made it, I think Morgan Freeman should have stood for president.
He'd have had a pretty good chance, wouldn't he? Most Americans would have been going, "Well, he did quite a good job first time round.
"And he can always double up as God.
" LAUGHTER John McCain, he was always gonna struggle, wasn't he? This was the man who came second for the Republican nomination to George W Bush in the year 2000.
What the hell have the Republicans been playing at? The best person they could find was somebody who wasn't quite as good as George W Bush eight years ago.
LAUGHTER What I want to know is, how come we're still getting all this talk of assassination now? You may have seen, the FBI arrested a man who was on his way, apparently, to assassinate Barack Obama.
This man was supposedly a white supremacist.
Can these people not have a look at themselves? This bloke was off his tits on methamphetamine driving a knackered pick-up truck.
He had no job, a massive criminal record, and he looked distinctly inbred.
Can they not see that if there is a master race, they're not bloody part of it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And how come we're having all this assassination talk now? What I want to know is where were these assassins over the last eight years when we bloody needed 'em?! Oh, yes, I sense the revolution is picking up a pace now! We now have a law, of course, where we're not allowed to incite religious hatred.
We're also no longer allowed to incite hatred against lesbians, gays and trans-genders.
But the Government have said it's OK, we can still make jokes about them.
Which is lucky, isn't it? Especially when it comes to trans-genders.
Let's face it, if you take a lady home and find out she's got a cock, you wanna be able to have a bloody good laugh about it.
Ringing a few bells with some of you there, I think.
The credit crunch started in America.
The problem was these American lenders were lending to people with a poor credit rating.
They were then disappointed to find out that those people were poor at paying back some of the credit they'd been lent, although there was a clue in the fact that they were people with a poor credit rating.
That would be like lending a tenner to an alcoholic and then complaining half an hour later when you catch them shouting at pigeons.
People are, now we have a recession, they are worrying about their jobs, some due to the recession, other people due to prank phone calls made on Radio 2.
They had two original complaints and then over the course of the next two weeks, they got 42,000 complaints from people who hadn't heard the original broadcast but had heard that they might get offended so then decided to tune in after the event to see if they were offended and were duly offended.
Let's hope the BBC have the courage to put that particular joke out, ladies and gentlemen.
If you do hear that it has attracted some complaints, if maybe you could jump on the bandwagon after the event, I'd be extremely grateful.
I'm sure I could use the publicity.
LAUGHTER Gordon Brown, of course, has decided he wants to jump on the Barack Obama bandwagon.
You may have heard him say, "Oh yes, I share many values with Barack Obama.
" Sadly for him, popularity is not one of them.
This is a man who still believes we live in a much safer world without Saddam Hussein.
I'm not sure I didn't prefer the more dangerous world with Saddam Hussein, a world when you could get on a train, see an unattended package, and think, "Crikey, I'm having that.
" APPLAUSE We should all relax, apparently, ladies and gentlemen, because, apparently, our fear of crime is much greater than the reality of crime itself.
Apparently, on average, and it's been a consistent average, 1,000 people a year in Britain get murdered but on average, 6,000 people a year in Britain, commit suicide.
So if you're ever walking home late at night and you think somebody's behind you, you're feeling a bit nervous, feel free to turn round and go, "You don't scare me! "I'm six times more likely to do harm to myself than you are!" APPLAUSE They'll probably leave you well alone.
To get on our good side, Gordon Brown has decided to give us an extra bank holiday.
What he wants us to do is celebrate all the things that we love about the UK.
Now, of course, as we know, we're only united in sense that the Irish hate the English, the Scots hate the English, the Welsh hate the English, and the English hate virtually everybody else.
Including most of the English.
And all this from a country supposedly noted for its tolerance.
Maybe we are.
Maybe we're one of the more tolerant countries in the world, being able to live with so many people we can't bloody stand.
LAUGHTER They do say that Americans have got no sense of irony.
I'm not sure that's true.
I think they do have a sense of irony.
What they often don't have is a sense of self-deprecation.
Only in Britain would we have a bestselling book entitled Crap Towns and then have to produce a second book - Crap Towns 2 - because too many British people had written in complaining that their town hadn't made the first book.
Some of you may be thinking, "Oh, well, we're quite good at self-deprecation, "because we have a lot to be self-deprecating about.
" Millennium Dome was crap, Wembley Stadium was crap, Terminal 5 was crap.
A lot of us have a sneaking suspicion that the 2012 Olympics will be crap.
Maybe we can turn it to our advantage, ladies and gentlemen, Maybe for 2012, all we need to do is get all the foreign athletes to arrive at Terminal 5, lose all their equipment, and then it's Britain, top of the medal table! Barack Obama has shown, ladies and gentlemen, the internet can change the world.
If you want proof, that you have the power, let me refer you to the Spice Girls world tour.
They said that if enough people from one city that they weren't playing wanted them to play there, the Spice Girls would add an extra gig onto the end of their world tour.
Now, the top five cities on the Spice Girls website - Paris, Toronto, Rio de Janeiro, Chicago Baghdad.
Given that there is sod all internet access in Baghdad, that is a lot of people round the world, going, "Yes, I know where I want the Spice Girls to play!" To tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you very much.
Good night.
Really well done.
Really, really good.
Andy Parsons! Yeah, man.
Andy Parsons, very, very funny.
Are you ready for some more comedy? AUDIENCE CHEER Are you ready? AUDIENCE CHEER We've got an excellent comedian coming up next - very, very funny.
Will you please go nuts for Ed Byrne! Give it up! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Ah, thank you.
Thank you so much, folks, it's lovely to be here.
One thing I want to talk about is I think we make our children look too old when they're too young.
I know it's prudish, but I was at the airport recently You always say "the airport" like there's only one, which would be pointless.
"We can get you a flight from here back to here.
"Incredibly, we'll still lose your luggage.
It's amazing.
" But I was at the airport I was at AN airport I was at Stansted Airport.
There was a little kid there, she was 11 years old.
I'll explain later how I came to know that.
LAUGHTER You're making it rude now.
You're making up your own jokes.
There's no point us being here if you're going to do that.
When I explain, you'll feel bad for making it rude in your own heads.
I should have just said she was 11 and left it at that.
You would have thought, "I wonder how he knew she was 11, I'm sure it's perfectly innocent.
" "I'll explain later.
" "Ooh, clearly there was a court case.
" Anyway, this little girl, 11 years old, she's wearing a pink tracksuit and across the arse of the tracksuit is written the word, "gorgeous".
Now, would you all agree with me - that's inappropriate? Yes, at best.
Problem is, you can't tell people how to raise their kids unless you're Austrian, in which case, you kind of have to.
But You disagree? For the most part, people do not react well to being told how to raise their kids.
Rather than come up to these people and go, "You shouldn't dress your child like that.
" I thought the best thing to do, to show how inappropriate it was, would be to act like it wasn't inappropriate at all.
I thought the best thing to do would be to go up and go, "Here, you're not wrong there! "Woo-hoo! "Yes, indeedy! "That is one gorgeous piece of arse and no mistake!" Aagh! I didn't.
I just thought that would be the best thing to do.
What happened was we got sat at the same gate and the dad recognised me, believe it or not.
So we got talking.
I said, "Is that your daughter?" He said, "Yes.
" And I said, "How old is she?" And he said 11.
LAUGHTER I said, "Did you buy her that tracksuit?" He goes, "No, her mother did.
" I went, "Right, cos it's got 'gorgeous' written on the arse of it.
" "Is that not a bit?" LAUGHTER It's funny, you know some questions you don't have to finish.
Some questions you can get halfway through and sway, and that will do.
Your brother, is he? LAUGHTER I said, "It's got 'gorgeous' written on the arse of it, is that not a bityou know?" He goes, "Well, it's the fashion.
" I'm like, "Yeah, but she's a total minger.
" That's just misguided, you know? Have you not heard of a thing called the Trade Descriptions Act? Some 11-year-old boy is going to be walking up behind your daughter going, "Let's have a look at this What the hell is that?! "What blind liar dressed you this morning?" But kids are weird.
Who here has got kids? CHEERING I have nothing against kids.
Kids are fine.
Parents annoy me, though.
You can't win an argument with a parent.
I like to think of myself as quite good in an argument.
I had a guy say to me one time, "If you look up 'stupid' in the dictionary, there's a picture of you.
" I'm like, "Well, I'm not the one who had to look up 'stupid' in the dictionary.
" LAUGHTER My dictionary doesn't have pictures, you moron.
But my argument skills go out the window when faced with a parent.
It doesn't matter what you're arguing about, they'll bring up that they have kids and if you don't have kids, you lose.
Say somebody says, "We should bring back the death penalty.
" I say, "It's never proven a deterrent, look at the states in America that have it, "they have the same or higher murder rate as those" "Do you have kids?!" "No.
" "Then you don't know what you're talking about.
" "I'll take my well-researched argument and shove it up my own hole.
"Cos you dropped a sprog.
" It doesn't matter what the argument's about.
"I think Raging Bull's a better film than Casino.
" "Do you have kids?" "No.
" "Then you don't know what you're talking about.
" "I know about contraception.
" They don't like it when you say that.
That annoys them.
So I'd like to have a kid just to have one.
To go up to everyone I've ever lost an argument with and go, "I've got a kid now, you're still a prick.
"Tell him he's a prick, son.
" I don't have kids.
I have a wife.
That's a start, I suppose.
I'm a very happily married man.
I'm a man in love, actually.
Are many men here in love? RIPPLE OF CHEERS A few of you.
By the way, any men here with women and you didn't react to that, you have a very frosty journey home ahead of you.
"That was a good show tonight, wasn't it?" HE MIMICS LAUGHTER "Did you not enjoy it?" "I did, but I was listening.
"You didn't seem to be listening.
"I was laughing" "Well, the Irish guy asked you a direct question.
" Being in love and falling in love are two quite different things.
They both have their own merits.
They both have their pros and their cons.
Falling in love, for instance, is very exciting.
I'll give you that.
You never know what's gonna happen next.
Every time you see her, your heart beats faster.
Falling in love, very exciting.
And being in love isfine.
So they both have their own merits, is what I'm trying to say there.
You try and do things to keep the romance going.
If you're a bloke, that's your job.
If you're a woman, your job is to tell us if we're doing our job correctly.
We try and do things to keep the romance going, but every now and again, ladies, you may do things that will suck the romance back out.
Like ask us questions.
LAUGHTER Stop doing that.
I don't mean questions like, Where have you been? Who are you texting? What are you doing on the net? They're fair enough.
I mean questions like, what are you thinking? Piss off with that question.
What are you thinking? What is your obsession with what we're thinking? Can't that be the one thing that remains exclusively mine? We share everything - the house, the bills, the friends, can the contents "No, I want that too.
" Why can't you women show us men the same courtesy and consideration we show you and not give a shit about what we're thinking? Why can't you do that? Cos do you want to know the answer to that question? Do you want to know what he's thinking? He's thinking, shit, I better think of something to say I've been thinking.
Whatever he had been thinking before you asked that question, no matter how reasonable the thought was, it has gone now, scuttled off into the corner of his brain in a panic, to make way for all the little men who are running round his head going, "What are we thinking?" "Quick, give me something and make it good.
What do you have? "She won't believe that.
Come on, lads! "That's not even a real place, for Christ's sake! "What do you have? "That's her sister, what are you trying to do to us?!" The reason we panic is because we know the truth won't do.
The truth, 95% of the time, is the word "nothing".
That won't do at all, will it? "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing.
" "No, you can't be thinking nothing.
"Everyone has to be thinking something.
" Ladies, you should never underestimate a man's ability to be completely and utterly vacant.
We are Zen masters.
We can go from one end of the day to the other and maybe think, "Me balls are a bit itchy today.
" LAUGHTER Either that or we're thinking something so monumentally stupid you don't want to know.
You'll lose respect for us.
You don't want to turn to the man you're spending the rest of your life with and go, "What are you thinking about?" "Do you really wanna know?" "Yeah, what's going on in there?" "I was just imagining I was a spy.
" LAUGHTER "You asked.
" "I was thinking what a great spot that would be for a covert drop-off of top-secret documents.
" "Very good sightlines.
Very little chance of an ambush.
" LAUGHTER "You need to think about these things when you're The Raven.
" We love thinking we're a spy.
You think when they gave me this microphone, I didn't sit there going, "I do not have the shot.
Negative, I do not have the shot.
" Didn't really.
I pretended I was Madonna.
Vogue There's loads of things you can do to keep the romance going in a relationship.
One thing some people do is watch pornography together.
Who here does that? SILENCE AND LAUGHTER Bearing in mind there are cameras on the audience, I guess nobody's going to admit to that.
You have to have some balls to watch pornography together.
Watching it on your own is one thing, but together as a couple, "Let's watch two people better looking than us have better sex than we can dream of?" That sounds like a marvellous way to spend the night.
"Look at the weapon he's wielding.
That really is quite something.
" LAUGHTER "Bet you wish I had one of those, eh? "I know you've got one under the bed, I'm not talking about that.
"What is she doing to his penis? "It's like she's sucking it, it's like it's in her mouth" "Oh, wait, I remember those!" LAUGHTER "Those were the days.
Good times.
Good times.
" "They've been at it a while now, I'm getting tired looking at them.
"What do you say we turn this off and disappoint each other?" Thanks very much.
Enjoy your night.
Good night.
We loved that.
Good stuff.
Ed Byrne.
Yeah! Have you had a good time tonight? AUDIENCE CHEER My thanks to Ed Byrne, and to Andy Parsons.
This has been Live At The Apollo.
Thank you very much.
Good night.

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