Live at The Apollo (2004) s04e06 Episode Script

Russell Howard, Jo Brand

This programme contains adult humour.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Russell Howard! APPLAUSE HEAVY METAL MUSIC Wow.
Look at this.
It's fantastic.
SPORADIC CHEERING What was that?! "Yeeeah!" Chewy's here - why not? We're all celebrating tonight.
I love gigs in London, that was fantastic - "Yeaaaah".
There's an air of gentle lunacy about gigs in London.
Last time I did a gig here, this bloke went, "OI! HOWARD! "Would you your dad "to save your mum?" Right? He was so aggressive, it was like it wasn't hypothetical.
Like my mum was in a van, and my dad was in a harness, you know? What would you do? I panicked and went, "I think I'd shag my dad!" And this bloke went, "I'll tell him, then.
" He worked with my dad.
Now, I don't know if you've ever had a phonecall that chilling - "All right, son, what's this about you wanting to bum me?" "Dad, you don't understand - they were gonna kidnap Mum.
" "Well, that changes things, son.
"Before you start, you best knock me out" You don't want tips on how to bum your dad! "Treat me right, son, run me a bath, put Radox in it, I'm not your bitch.
" "All right, Dad, I've gotta go.
" "Lift my hips up.
" Weird moment, you know? Dads, dads, dads.
I can't wait to be a dad.
Obviously, I'm not ready.
I'm still afraid of the dark.
That's fairly crucial.
"Dad, can you get my coat?" "No, son, that's in the cupboard, where the goblins live.
" You won't trick me, I'm so wise.
Such a child, you know? You know that feeling when you're near a wardrobe, there's always part of you going, "Come on, this time, oh! Narnia!" It never happens.
I bet that's an hour of fun at MFI, "No.
" I'll give anyone in this room £200 if they go to Ikea tomorrow dressed as a lion and hide in a cupboard.
That's ROOARRR! Been travelling all over, it's been great, I've been on tour.
I've seen some weird things.
I was in a sandwich shop - do you ever see a sign that really annoys you? There was this sign that said, "Hey! "Why not try a guilt-free wrap?" Like, what? Don't make sandwiches evil! How ridiculous is that? Sandwiches are lovely.
The bacon sandwich is one of the greatest things in the world.
It tastes lovely and conceptually it's a wonderful thing.
It's essentially bread giving a dead pig a cuddle.
It's a lovely thing.
"I love you, Mr Pig.
" "Why do the Jews hate me?!" It's lovely.
And there is a sign da-da da-da da da! Joke! And there is a sign that said, "You may have cancer.
" Now, I'm fat and I'm gonna die.
I was in a really bad mood, and then madness occurred - from nowhere, bloke behind the counter yawned, this bloke infront of him, who did not know him, popped his finger in his mouth .
and went, "Oo-ooh! Yawn rape!" And I nearly died.
I'd never seen a yawn rape before.
Honestly, I was just like, "there's been a yawn rape!" Did the man headbutt him? No, he didn't! He giggled and went, "It's a good job I didn't fart, isn't it?" You know that proper huge belly laugh? They're great when they happen.
I remember my first, the first time I properly went, "Ruaaahhh!" My friend Tom, aged five, stood up in the middle of a nativity play and went, "Well, enough's enough.
" Heroic.
But what made it even more heroic - he was the front end of a donkey.
That's incredible.
They're brilliant, aren't they, belly laughs? When they leap out from nowhere.
I can watch drunk people for hours.
Don't you love it? You know when people mischief pissed.
When they put a bollard or a cone on top of a bus stop, how fantastic's that? "I'm pissed.
Fighting, nightclub, women.
"Nope - that bus stop needs a hat.
" "It looks like a wizard, Dave.
I dunnit! "Five points to Gryffindor!" Has anyone here ever been to an airport on a Sunday and seen 40-year-old blokes arrive back from a stag do? Oh, my God.
They look like haunted babies.
They try and figure out which one out of this sea of people is their wife, it's unbelievable.
"Sandra? Sandra?" "S-sandra?" "Sandra" "Linda - Linda! It's Linda!" Wonderful behaviour, you know? Watching people's fun, isn't it? I saw this old lady in Norwich the other day do something magnificent.
I was in Norwich - brilliant place, by the way - how can you not love a place I did a gig and said, "What's fun to do here?" And a bloke when, "Dogging".
And that was it! And a lady went, "Yeah, you gotta get there early.
" Brilliant place! And I was following this old lady, which sounds dodgier than I wanted to, I was following her, right, and she did two brilliant things.
A God-botherer leapt at her from nowhere, and went, "Do you know God's always with you?" And she said, "Well, tell him I like my space.
" We don't want God with us, it's terrifying! God's always with you?! Imagine if God's in the shower with you! You don't want that.
You know what you're like in the shower - I like to collect the water like that and then make a big puddle! Imagine God "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "I'm making a big puddle!" "I should have let you perish in a sock", you know? He'd be furious.
Ma-ma ma-ma ma ma, joke! He's got a temper.
We're all afraid of God.
Remember those hymns? How scary were those hymns? You're five years old and you've got to sing out loud, I was cold, I was naked Were you there? Were you there? Jesus! I was cold, I was naked Were you there? Who's this bloke?! He's Jesus, he's the son of God.
I prefer Batman! Terrifying.
But I guess God is always there, in an annoying way, you know? In moments of pain or pleasure, we leap to the Lord.
Hammer on your thumb, you're like, "Oh, God! Sexual bliss, you're like "Oh, God!" You can be as agnostic as you like, nobody has ever gone, "Big Bang theory" - it's as simple as that.
Now, I was following this old lady, and this brilliant thing occurred - a car crept alongside us and it was playing full on rap music.
Now, I'm not a fan of rap - it's like, for me, rap is just bragging, isn't it? "Yo, I got a big-ass house, "I got a big-ass car, I got a big-ass woman.
" OK, mate.
Why not just read out your shopping receipt and lace it with misogyny? That's all I hear! "Went down Morrisons, got a frozen meal for two, "I'll probably shove it up my bitch's ass.
"Got Nectar points comin' outta my dick", you know the songs! Nonsense, isn't it? But this car was cruising along, right? And I was already scared, because they were young people, and I'm terrified of young people.
A 13-year-old came up to me, went, "Mate, look at me funny I'll cut ya" 13 years old! "You look at me funny I'll cut ya".
When I was 13, I was so nervous, I was so horny, if you looked a me funny I would have ejaculated the word "sorry".
It's as simple as that.
Which is not a talent I've got, to be honest.
If I did, I would be here, I'd be ruining games of scrabble.
"Ka-boom! Triple word, I'm a spunkifisaurus.
" NowI was following this I really wish I could stick to the script.
Next joke, tell it, laugh I get too giddy, my brain's like, "Pick me! Pick me!" "You're not even a joke!" "I'm dressed as a joke.
"Tell them you're a spunkifisaurus!" "I don't think that'll help.
" Too excited! SoI was following this old lady, this magnificent old wench, and I was scared, because the car was slowing at lights.
And the window was wound down - I'm like, "Drive by! Drive by!" A can was thrown out of the car.
I was like, "Ah!" My heart was just going, "Nuuuh!" Cos this old lady wandered towards them.
I said, "What are you doing?! "He'll kill you! "I bet there'll be a fight and I will not help!" She didn't care.
She wasn't a coward like me.
She wandered towards this can, not like that, that would be But she seemed to grow.
My heart was going, "Ba-dum, ba-dum, "ba-dum, ba-dum.
" She went towards this can, picked it up, looked at these kids in this car, "What you doing?" "Throwin' a can out the window.
" "What you doing that for?" "We don't want it.
" And this little old lady, about 70, went, "Yeah? Well, neither does Norwich.
" And threw it back in the car! Beautiful moment! APPLAUSE Incredible.
Brilliant when that happens, you know? Whens strangers reaffirm your faith in existence.
Cos life can sometimes just seem like you're being punched in the face.
Sometimes you switch on the news and the stories are so ridiculous you want to scream.
There was a story the other day - local councils are gonna pay eight-year-olds to spy on their antisocial neighbours.
That's what you need when you're eight, a job! "Eight-year-old, we need you to spy!" "But I want to be a dragon.
" "Hello, this is DCI Luke, "I've just seen a man draw a cock on a bus stop.
"I am proceeding on Heelys.
" You're not ready for a job when you're eight! When I was eight, I was worried about issues like, "Hang on, "I can be tickled, but I can't tickle myself.
"We'll see about that, body.
"I'll get you one day, when you least expect it! "Like when you're sleeping.
" We live every moment of our life, me and my little brother, to wind our mum up - I'm sure you're exactly the same.
I remember when I was nine, and my brother was seven, on the morning of my cousins wedding we shaved off our eyebrows.
She went batshit, it was terrific.
You're just there, you're nine, pffft! He-he-he.
Pffft! He-he-he-he.
HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY I would have looked surprised, were it possible.
You do what any older brother does - "Daniel!" My brother runs upstairs.
"What've you done, Russ?" "Everyone's doin' it!" Pfft! Pfft! "Look at our faces! "We're the funniest little boys in the world.
" Do we tell Mum? No! Why would we tell our mum? We were getting a lift to the wedding with our granddad.
And besides, Granddad had felt-tip pens.
Now, I will never do justice to the eyebrows I gave my brother.
He looked like he was judging my cousin? "It'll never last.
" If eyebrows could say, "slag", these bad boys did.
The news is depressing, isn't it? It's ridiculous.
So what do we do? We switch over, it becomes too much for us.
We watch mind-numbing, banal TV.
We try our best to watch Panorama or Newsnight, you end up flicking, you're like, "Ohhh! The Boy With A Shed For A Head! Record! "Look! He's got a shed for a head!" "It's been such a difficult life.
" "I love him, but varnish ain't cheap.
" Mesmerised! The Lady That's Addicted To Biscuits "I killed my mum for a HobNob.
" You can't not watch it.
Cookery programmes! Impossible not to watch.
They're so addictive - particularly Gordon Ramsay.
He's unbelievable.
How you can get that angry about dinner is beyond me.
"MAKE YOUR TEA RIGHT! DO IT LIKE I TOLD YOU, "I'M NOT JOKING! I'LL RIP YOUR SKIN OFF, I'LL LIVE IN YOU LIKE A TENT!" How much would you love to go on The F Word simply to serve that man Alphabites, can you imagine that? Just spelling out the words, "Who cares?" "How many lines have you got in your face?" Know what I mean? You could fit a deck of cards in his face, and that is a show I'd probably watch.
A slumbering Ramsay, and contestants have to fit a card in his face, making sure they don't wake the beast.
We could have Noel Edmunds host it.
My granddad hates Edmunds.
If my granddad's house was big enough, I would invite you all round to watch him watch the TV.
Because he shouts at it - the other day he went You know how Noel wears his trousers up there? My granddad goes, "HERE, EDMUNDS! "Why don't you put some jam in your shoes and invite your trousers down for tea?" Boom! "Why couldn't he have slagged off Manuel's granddaughter?" That went a bit far, didn't it? 30,000 people in this country livid on our behalf, none of us care.
"Look! They've sworn on the BBC! "They're mocking that poor stripper, oh, if only Diana was here!" None of us care! What do we care? We were angry about bigger issues in the world, like the Congo, or Zimbabwe, or, I dunno, the US elections.
That's what we were fascinated by.
It's incredible.
And what did we learn? We learnt that the US economy is so bad that Americans have given up racism.
It's fantastic.
Took your time - you're right to laugh, it's fine.
I really hate black people, but if I vote for McCain, will I be able to afford rope for lynchings? Decisions, decisions.
You're right to clap, it's very funny.
He was always gonna win, wasn't he - Barack Obama? They tried to bring him down.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the eve of the election, "Look at his arms, he's so spindly, "He needs to go to the gym and do some bicep curls.
" All right, Terminator! We need to keep him thin, it gives snipers less to aim at! "Look at McCain, he's built like a rock".
No, he's not! John McCain looks like someone sprinkled icing sugar over a ball bag.
It's as simple as that.
If we're being churlish, that's what he looks like! He was never gonna win, McCain.
The only time we were worried, we were sat watching, was when Sarah Palin came along.
That was terrifying.
HUMS MOTIF FROM STAR WARS Jesus, she's got powers! She couldn't be any more right-wing unless she had a gun in one hand, baby in another and was stood on a mound of dead gays.
She was terrifying.
We were like, "Don't let her win! Let intelligence win!" And Obama's like, "Don't worry, America.
It's onnnn me.
" And you sat there going, "Yesss!" Do you know what Barack Obama's like? He's a bit like the Marks & Spencer advert.
Just looking at him makes you go, "Oh, that's nice.
" "Oh, let's put chocolate on lamb, mmm.
" It's the most erotic thing in the world, that advert.
It comes on telly like, "Mmm, Jesus.
" "Do you like that food, Russ?" "Yeahhh.
" "Do you like that?" Close the curtains, I'm going to shag the telly.
So erotic.
The ads aren't like that during the day.
Less middle class, less aspirational.
The adverts are more kind of, "OI! Have you been injured by an accident at work?" "Hello! I work at Tesco and somebody left the shredder door open "and now I can't juggle.
" These people can't be real, can they? I feel sorry for Gordon Brown in the wake of all this.
Gordon Brown's less Marks & Spencer, more Lidl.
It's unfortunate, isn't it? Feel sorry for the man.
"Cheap beans?" That's all he's got to offer.
The papers went mad at him.
"Look at him, staying in a seven-star hotel.
" "They're paying for him to stay there! How could he? How could he? "I would never stay in a" Bollocks! If somebody was paying for you to stay in a seven-star hotel, you'd lose your mind.
Imagine how you feel when it's a four-star, you're like, "Oooh-h! "Four-star! We can nick the shower gel!" Can you imagine what a seven must be like? You'd turn up, there'd be gold all over, there'd be a monkey in rollerskates.
"Welcome to the seven-star hotel!" "Let me show you to your room! You will find a view of Jupiter, "and a chocolate lady with low self-esteem.
" Can you imagine? APPLAUSE We'd be there.
Absolutely, we'd be there.
Too much anger in this country.
"Brown is the worst leader ever.
" Well, you've obviously never been to Cambodia, you know? These people who delight in rage.
They're ruining the soul of this land, you know? The people who write into newspapers, they never represent us.
"All that immigration, ruining the country, I was born here" You were born here through chance! Doesn't give you an excuse to behave like an asshole.
Not as if you were sat in your mum's tummy going, "Mother! Point your fanny towards Dover!" "This better be England, I'm quite the bigot!" For a brief sneeze of time, we all want to be happy, we're all gonna die, get on with it.
I call these people the "What next?" brigade.
You've heard them.
They're sapping the soul out of this land.
They listen to the news, then invent their own misery to go with it.
"Expanding the congestion charge? What next, a tax on sneezing?" "Hug a hoody? What next? Pay a mugger to shag my wife?" "Free contraceptives for teenagers, what next? Toddlers dressed as gimps?" "Abortion at 26 weeks, what next? Fannys fitted with nooses?" And you're sat there going, "NOOOO!" You're inventing your own misery! You're defining yourself by pettiness.
You get 70 years to live, and you are enjoying being angry.
Idiot! "Well, it's political correctness gone mad! political correctness gone mad!" "It's a nanny state, it's a nanny state!" "I'm a stranger in my own country!" Or my personal favourite - "This country's enough to make you go mad! It really is!" "Enough to make you go mad!" Yeah.
I bet there's some bloke in some war-torn, third-world village, just crying, going, "Na-a.
Noooo!" "Why are you crying, mate? "Is it cos you got no food, money, or home?" "It is none of those things.
" "Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight.
" APPLAUSE "Oh! The suffering is unimaginable! "Last week, I saw my family killed before my very eyes.
"But paying for a carrier bag! "It's enough to drive you mad!" "Well, Russell, if they won't collect my bins, we may as well have let the Germans win the war.
" "So what do you have planned next? What next, Adolf?" "WHEELIE BINS!" Whining, snivelling, idiots.
It could be worse! You could be a slug.
Imagine that.
Seriously, imagine actually being a slug.
You look like a turd, you're covered in slime, all do you is drag your own rancid botty along looking for cabbage, that's all you do.
"Have you seen any cabbage, Dave?" "No, I haven't, Alan.
" "Oh, well.
Onwards in my quest for cabbage.
"Oh, no - I've got gravel on my belly.
" Thatis depressing.
You can't even cry - if you do, the tears will melt your face.
APPLAUSE So, now, with love in our hearts, without further ado, on three, go crazy for the brilliant Ms Jo Brand! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hiya! It is I, John Sergeant.
Hello! APPLAUSE Near as dammit, apparently! So flattering! GIVE IT UP, JOHN! You'll have to heckle better than that, mate.
Or your face is gonna be sat on.
Come on, have a proper go.
Let's come right over here and have a little listen to you.
One, two, three, go! Just said, "Give it up, John!" Give it up, John? Was it worth waiting for? I think you'll find the answer's no, but thanks.
Ooh, I've walked.
That's 14 calories.
So, as I am sort of John Sergeant, let's start with some important political news.
Did you hear this, right? That BNP members and supporters have had their names and addresses published on the internet.
Hurrah! Now we know who to send the poo to! Actually, my neighbour's on there.
He is.
He's not in the BNP, actually, I put him on there cos I want someone to poo his doorstep.
I was a bit worried that my dad might be on it.
How humiliating would that be? But it's all right, I found out recently he's in the clan.
So No, I shouldn't be horrible about my poor, old dad.
Few years ago he had a bad illness, had to give up his job, sell his flat, move into a caravan.
Obviously, I've got a bit of money, could have bought him somewhere, but he wouldn't let me go out when I was 15, so bollocks to him.
Let's talk about the important stuff though, shall we? The scandal of Strictly Come Dancing! Or as I like to think, of it, Strictly Wobble Over Here With Your Truss Tightened, John! No, poor, old John.
He pulled out when it got really exciting.
Similar to when I dragged a Catholic choirboy into my car recently.
But I've learnt a lot from him.
I mean, I never realised, for example, that this was a ballroom-dancing step.
And now I know, I'm gonna do it! I never realised that this was And I never realised that this was That might have been Brucey, actually.
He's ancient, inne? 140! Can they not get Trinny and Susannah to "trind" him up a bit? How about giving him a pair of those baggy trousers that fall down, showing your arse-crack? Be nice, wouldn't it? Or a nice hoodie? Then again, he'd look even more like the grim reaper, wouldn't he? But you know, it's very weird, that combination of John Serjeant and that youthful Russian woman.
Dragging her round the floor like a sack of spuds, it reminded me of internet marriage, really.
Cos if she was coming over here, that's what she'd get, really.
I thought, "How must it be for these Russian women? "What a choice, you know?" Some vodka den and poverty, or some bloke with a prostate problem in a semi in Basildon - I mean, it's a difficult choice.
Well, I think we should have a few more reality shoes.
How about, you know, celebrity pole-vaulting? Or celebrity pole-dancing.
I don't know if you're aware, but a year or so ago, Tesco brought out a pole-dancing kit for 8-10 year olds.
Unbelievable, isn't it? I bought it for my daughters.
Six and seven they are, they're working in Spearmint Rhino.
See, I'd quite like to send John Sergeant on Adrenaline Junkie, with Jack Osbourne - wouldn't that be brilliant? Actually, they make celebrities do really dangerous things.
Mountain climbing, bungee jumping, and a weekend with Ozzy and Sharon I mean, that would do your head in, wouldn't it? Cos sports wise, I like to watch sport, but I don't really like to do it, even though I am a bit of a fitness icon.
I'm trying to head into drama a bit, you know, I auditioned for Footballers' Wives.
Didn't get in, but I have actually got into a new series of Darts Players' Wives.
Did you watch the England match, anyone? CHEERING I love Theo Walcott.
Isn't he sweet, isn't he gorgeous, isn't he lovely and little? You don't actually see him doing many post-match interviews, do you? That's cos he's upstairs putting his pyjamas on.
Actually, I love women's football - although men hate it, don't they? Cos they just think women are crap at football.
I think they just assume the woman pops the ball in her handbag and gets her husband to drive her up to the goal on the way to the shops.
Now, are you sober? Are you drunk? CHEERING You're not drunk.
Oh, dear, that's a shame.
I'd look much more attractive if you are, sir.
I was outside a wine bar the other night, and this woman came up and went, "Jo Brand! You're a leg! "Get in there and get wankered!" I was like, "Mum! It's the beginning of the night.
" APPLAUSE She's a nightmare.
Cos I'm quite an old lady now and I don't get out much, my kids are quite young.
It's all changed, hasn't it? In bars and pubs, it really has.
I mean, have you heard about this bit of research? I don't know whether it's a myth or not, that they tested a bowl of peanuts in a pub once, and they found 12 different kinds of urine on them.
That's naughty men, shaking and not washing.
They've got a rather nice twist on that in my local wine bar.
They've actually got a bowl of urine on the bar with 12 different kinds of nuts in it - it's lovely! I had them all as well, they were very nice indeed.
But you know, you have to watch yourself in pubs these days.
I mean, there are some weird blokes in pubs.
I always think, don't maintain eye contact, particularly if they've got binoculars - that's a bit worrying.
And the thing that happens now is the whole rohypnol thing.
Getting that bunged in your drink, that's scary.
I was going off for a wee in the pub, and I said to the barman, you know, can I have a stopper to put in my bottle, just in case? Do you know what he said to me? "I don't think you need to worry, Grandma.
" Cos the problem is, I keep forgetting I'm old-er than I was.
And I was actually in the school playground recently picking up my daughter, and our local MP was there.
She went, "Oh, nice to see you.
On Nan duty for the weekend?" Exactly! So I said, "Oh, I've just pissed myself, can you take me to the toilet, Tessa?" And then, in fact, me and my mate, we actually had one of those nan situations together, cos my daughter wasn't well and we took her to casualty.
There was a very young, Australian doctor.
And he came in to explain to me about my daughter's problem, and turned to my friend and went, "And what does Gran think?" It actually happened while I was there! Brilliant.
But something's happened in the last ten years that has made old people's life a misery.
And it's called decking.
And it's Alan Titchmarsh's fault.
Cos what happens with decking? You lay it, it looks lovely, then the rain comes down, a bit of algae grows, doesn't it? Grandma goes out for a fag, arse over tit.
I don't know if you know what sort of little rituals comedians go through, before they come on.
People get a bit nervous, they kind of have a few drinks or they go through an exercise ritual.
I touch wood before I come on.
Yeah, it doesn't do much good - didn't do much good for Jesus, either, did it? Someone clapping there - obviously a vicar.
"She's got that part of the Bible right, well done!" But it's a bit difficult, that black cat thing, running across your path.
I have actually got a black cat, so obviously I have to keep hitting it with a hockey stick so that it doesn't run across my path.
And it was brilliant the other day actually - in our garden, I saw the cat equivalent of me, right, running through the garden.
It was a cat that was so fat, that when it went through the catflap, it took the frame with it.
Running round the garden with a catflap frame on! Like a gastric band, it was brilliant! Obviously, mine's not working.
But you know, I get peolple saying to me, "Oh, do other cats come in through your catflap, matron?" And they don't actually.
People get uptight about cats coming in and eating their cat food, don't they? But think of the human equivalent.
If you were walking down the street and you saw a door open and a pie on the table, bloody hell, you'd go for it, wouldn't you? Did you have a nice Christmas? No, you miserable bastards, me neither.
Oh, it's hard work, innit, Christmas? You've gotta be good at charades, haven't you? So you can pretend you like the presents that you got.
You've got to suffer another Cliff single, haven't you? What's it gonna be this year - Bugger Me, It's Christmas Again? But the thing I find quite sweet about Christmas, is my kid's letters to Santa.
Cos of course they shove them up the chimney and I go get them down when I'm a bit pissed later on.
And I'm telling you, the crossings out and the spellings are terrible.
I could barely read the word "adoption".
I was in the pub recently, and I only get there about once a year when my husband goes near enough the radiator for me to chain him to it.
And I was trying to get to the bar, and there were two guys blocking my way, and they were discussing their acroymns for each other.
The first guy said, "I'm a BRUM.
" And the other guy said, "Well, what's that?" "You know, Bike-Riding Urban Male.
" And the other guy said, "Well, I'm a LOMBARD.
" And the other guy said, "What's that?" He said, "You know, Loads Of Money But A Right Dickhead.
" Actually, I did have a bit of trouble getting here tonight.
Comics always do, but I was stuck in casualty for a few hours cos my poor old granddad had a stroke.
He got a phonecall from Jonathon Ross and Russell Brand.
And he didn't like the sound of what I'd done.
But no, I drove here tonight, I drive a lot in London, and I like it.
And I have to say, the reason I drive a lot is cos my husband never learnt to drive.
In my opinion.
Cos I think cars mean different things to men and women.
Men like a car that represents them in society - something powerful, smooth, expensive.
Whereas women just want a little car they can jump in, go down Sainsbury's and buy chocolate in.
Men are driven by testosterone, women are driven by Toblerone.
It's a fact of life.
You're looking at me like you're not quite convinced that I've got a husband, but I have.
Have we got any married couples in tonight? MURMURS FOLLOWED BY LAUGHTER The mumble of despair.
Well, a bit of advice if you're thinking of getting married.
It's very nice for about two weeks, then they start to irritate you a bit.
My husband does a lot to irritate me.
Probably the worst thing he does is wakes up.
That's quite irritating, but I irritate him as well.
He hates me snoring especially when we're having sex, obviously.
And I think the problem between men and women is one of communication, really.
Particularly, when you're a couple.
Sometimes they just say things and you don't know what they're on about.
Have you had this? Is your relationship a bit like being in an Eastern European art film So you're sitting on the settee watching EastEnders and you say, "Ooh, I fancy a nice cup of tea.
" And for some reason, he reads, "Could you just pop your penis in my mouth?" Where does that come from? And men view women differently from the way women view men.
A lot of men view women as sex objects, whereas women view men as useful objects.
The other night, I left my husband bent over, like this, with a burnt back.
Well, the ironing board was broken - what could I do? I shouldn't be mean about him, he's good at multitasking.
He can do the work of two men.
Unfortunately, those men are Laurel and Hardy.
But you know, I remember the joy of getting married.
And some horrible, hideous tabloid journalist saying to me, "You hate men, why d'you want to get married?" I said, "Cos I wanna hate a man close up.
" That's why.
I was really pissed off - cos I got married in church - I was really pissed off to find that you can't actually smoke when you're getting married.
What a nightmare that is! I had to have so many fags before I went in the church, everyone in the village thought a new pope had been elected.
My family were very suspicious about me getting married.
One of them said, "Ooh, eating for two now, are we?".
I went, "Bog off! I'm not cutting down".
One said, "Are you getting married in a hurry?" No, I'm not.
I don't hurry anywhere.
Can't you tell? And the vicar said to me, "I'm sorry, we've had to take the word 'obey' out of the marriage contract.
" I said, "I'm sorry.
If he's not going to obey me, I'm not bloody well marrying him.
" The other problem that you sometimes look forward to, particularly after you've had children, is impotence.
Um You think, "How am I gonna get them some help?", and I find people at a football match very encouraging.
I like to take him down, and they all shout, "Come over here if you think you're hard enough.
" That normally works.
But it doesn't work for a long time, impotence doesn't happen for a few years, you know.
The weird thing is - I've got two kids - and after you've given birth, you don't feel great.
You look a bit sweaty, your nightie's covered in stains, and still your husband wants to have sex with you.
I actually had to have mine removed from the birthing pool by security.
Oh, it was very embarrassing.
Then they ask you what type of contraception you're gonna use when you get home.
Well, phone me in 27 years and I'll tell you.
I actually went on the pill when I was 16, put on four stones, so that proved to be a very effective contraceptive, thank you.
And then, of course, there was the joyous Femidom, d'you remember that? That was my favourite.
The only contraceptive you had to use one of those big wooden poles teacher used to shut the top window with at primary school to get it in.
And my life is racked with pain from tabloid journalists.
One of them said to me recently, "I suppose you march your daughters round the garden in dungarees shouting, 'Kill men! Kill men!' ".
I do! And they enjoy it a lot! And, of course, there's a problem, when you've got girls as well, about the toys you're gonna buy them.
I'm trying to resist the tide of Barbie coming into the house, but the one they really wanted was Rapunzel Barbie.
She lets her hair down a big tower, the king climbs up, gives her one.
Let's try and convert that, shall we, to something more politically correct? How about Feminist Barbie? She lets her armpit hair down the tower.
Beth Ditto climbs up, sings you a nice song without her clothes on.
See, I think, if we're gonna have a Barbie, let's have a useful Barbie.
Let's have a Door-Stop Barbie, let's have a Flick-Knife Barbie.
Let's have a Vibrator Barbie.
That's gonna make everyone's life more fun.
And feminism's a dirty word these days, isn't it? The thing about feminism is, it's a bit of a continuum, isn't it? You see, at one end, you've got the feminists who like to look nice and wear lipstick, and at the other end you've got the radical feminists that wear dungarees and take a chainsaw to men's bollocks.
The problem is, I'm actually one of the nice lipstick-wearing ones, but I actually look like one of the scary chainsaw ones.
And also, women get blamed a lot when they're pissed, don't they? Cos when women are pissed, they do behave badly.
I remember when I was a student, you know, I'd get so pissed I'd wake up on the bus the next day, no shoes on, no knickers, carpet burns all over my chin, where the bloke had tried to drag me out of his flat, obviously.
And you get women together on a holiday, and they are a nightmare, aren't they? My last holiday in Greece before I got married, right, my friend Betty ended up halfway up a mountain with her face in a cactus, being taken from behind by a Greek waiter.
It wasn't a very pretty sight, but it made a very nice framed photo for her parents' wedding anniversary.
APPLAUSE Now, I have to tell you, life cannot be pleasant for women, many times.
That was humiliating, but perhaps the most humiliating experience in my life - gird your loins, boys - is going for a smear.
We've all had the joy.
I think perhaps it should be optional for men, just so they can see how pleasant it is, you know? Cos you go to your local hospital, they put you up in those stirrups, and you hum Home On The Range in a homely way, try and cheer yourself up, then the doctor comes in, and you think, "Thank God, it's a woman".
And then she's followed by 12 14-year-old boys in white coats.
Nurses in? Well done! She has a look at you and says, "I'll be back in half an hour".
So you're left there whee! .
in the stirrups, in a tiny little room with a curtain that strangely only stretches halfway across the door, and looks out onto a busy corridor with a lot of visitors walking up and down.
Eventually a porter turns up.
"D'you wanna go down the canteen, love?".
I might as well, I've got half an hour.
Perhaps someone'll throw a bun at it.
Now, I think you're gonna find this quite difficult to believe as well, but I have, in fact, got a stalker.
LAUGHTER Yeah, not convinced.
He doesn't like me much, cos I don't go out.
And even then, I only walk about ten yards before I've got to sit down.
So he sat outside my house for quite a long time.
And it all started when he wrote me some very strange letters over a few months.
Victorian copper-plate handwriting, getting gradually pervier and pervier.
And then he actually sent me a photo of himself.
Yum(!) And the delightful end to the story was - this is absolutely true - two days later, I was watching a documentary about stalkers, and he was bloody on it! Stalking some woman in Essex.
The bastard, he'd dropped me.
Actually, the thing I am really looking forward to as well - and I've got a little bit of it already - is stress incontinence.
Do you know what that is? SHE COUGHS Pshh! That one.
It's marvellous, cos it actually means you can wear Tena Lady.
Now, boys, you might not know what Tena Lady is, it's a sort of it's a sort of subtle incontinence pad for ladies that don't want to have a big mattress in their knicks.
And the ads are marvellous - women running on the beach, throwing sticks Oh! Pshh! No problem! Cos I've decided, actually, you know, when I'm old, I'm gonna really go for it big time.
I'm gonna follow the words of that poem written by Jenny Joseph, When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple.
Except, I've decided that, when I am old, I am actually gonna be an alcoholic .
so I can quote the poem - "When I am old, I will BE purple.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you, that's all from me.
Take it easy, ta-ra.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jo Brand! Thank you very much, that was Live At The Apollo, you've been a wonderful audience.
Take care!
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