Live at The Apollo (2004) s13e03 Episode Script

Rob Beckett, Jen Brister, Darren Harriott

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight .
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Rob Beckett! Hey, hey! Hello, and welcome to Live At The Apollo.
I'm Rob.
You happy? You good? Yes! Nice.
I'm happy.
I'm very happy to be here.
Right, very happy to be out of the house.
Because me and my missus have moved, and we've got a doer-upper.
She likes to call it a project.
Do you know what I call it? Fucking derelict! I ain't got a sink! I ain't got a sink! You got a sink? No.
No?! You haven't got a sink? No, my housemate just took it out.
Your housemate just took it out? Who are you living with, Handy Andy, what's going on? You've got a sink, yeah? We've got a kitchen sink.
You got a kitchen sink? Yeah, I ain't got one sink, mate! The sink's coming next week.
I ain't got nothing! It's the only reason I'm here.
Tell some jokes, wash my hands.
No sink! And I can't do any DIY.
Useless.
All I can do is jet wash.
Amazing.
I love a jet wash.
Dirty patio, yes, please.
Feels so good.
It's so rewarding for such little effort, isn't it? I love it.
Always leave a little patch to show them how dirty it was.
That's how dirty it was until I got involved.
I get carried away.
I was at the front of my house, went down the street, started doing a bus stop.
Not even mine! I will jet wash anything if it stays still long enough.
Did a dog.
Come up lovely! And the thing is, I can't do DIY and we've got a derelict house.
But the problem is, the father-in-law is one of those father in-laws that bought a wreck, did it up, because he knows all about DIY and now it's worth double, and he comes round my house, swinging his massive I-decorated-my-whole-house dick, knocking things off the side, smashing vases.
That's right, I've got a vase.
Nothing to fill it up with.
No sink! Empty vase, dead flowers, that's my life! And he's got a ladder.
Flash bastard.
Who does he think he is? How often's he going up high? Just take your chances on a rickety chair like everyone else.
Live a little.
Live life on the edge.
He's got a tool box.
Well, I've got a tool box.
Well, I've got a Spider-Man lunchbox with a screwdriver in it, but As far as I'm concerned, that's a box with a tool in it.
Three screwdrivers, actually.
I had a very fortunate Christmas cracker episode.
And the annoying thing is, when he comes round to do jobs in the house, I can't go out or play Fifa.
I've got to stand near him like I'm helping.
I don't know anything.
I might as well be standing next to a vet.
I've got nothing in my locker! Just stand under his ladder, dust and paint like his little peasant helper boy.
Sire, what can I do for you, sire? What can I do while you do the curtain, DIY God? He just demands thing.
Like, "Pass me my Phillip screwdriver.
" What kind of wanker names his screwdrivers? Idiot.
Do you want Peter and Paul and Danny, do you? I have to spend a lot more time with the in-laws as well now.
Cos I've got a kid.
And at Christmas time, they want to see the kid, don't they? So, we have to split Christmases between her parents and my parents.
"Year on, year off," she calls it.
"Good year, shit year," that's what it should be called.
Yeah.
A year you enjoy Christmas, a year you want to stab yourself in the eyes with screwdrivers.
It's awful.
They do have some nice bits of their Christmas.
They're, like, lovely family.
Very middle-class.
They have a lovely tradition which involves every Christmas, the family getting new pair of pyjamas, right? Each, not one massive pair they all pile in.
All get a new pair of pyjamas, right? And they put them on, right? And then they go to bed.
There's three daughters in the family.
I'm married to one of the girls, she's got two sisters.
So they all put their new pyjamas on, go to bed, wake up in the morning in their new pyjamas, get the stocking from the end of their bed, run into Mum and Dad's room, sit on the bed and the whole family, in their new pyjamas, open their stockings.
What a lovely tradition, isn't it? Eh? When they were three, five and eight.
Not last Christmas, when on the bed in their pyjamas there was a 21-year-old, a 25-year-old, and a 28-year-old.
Stuck in the corner is me, a fully grown adult man .
.
sitting there with a boner! It's not my fault! Nothing weird's going on.
They've got me up too early and rushed me through! I've gone in the toilet, as though I'm smuggling in half a Toblerone! Got a couple of Alps.
Give me the chance.
It's a nightmare first thing, isn't it, in the morning? Everyone sort of goes, "Oh, men.
"They can get it out and go wherever.
" Not first thing in the morning! Oh, it's like pissing through a metal chopstick.
You haven't got a chance! And you're arching your back like a cat trying to get out of the bath.
"What're you doing in there?! "Look, either piss on the ceiling or I'll snap it in half!" "Do you want more grandkids?!! Don't know why I'm shouting, the door was open.
It's all grown up for me now.
Wife, kids, stuff like that, you know? Bought a tumble dryer.
I'm doing all right.
I've got a tumble dryer.
Love the tumble dryer.
I love the tumble dryer because he don't care.
He's an animal.
It's like the wild card on a stag do.
It'll do whatever you want him to do.
The tumble dryer has got one setting - on.
It's all he knows - on.
It's all he cares about.
All he wants to know is, how long? Just 15 towels, nine hours, wallop.
Tumble! Tumble! Don't care.
Chuck a bowl of water in and it'll try and dry it.
It don't care.
Tumble! It don't even need to be in the house.
Get in the shed! Get in the shed! Tumble! Love it, love the tumble dryer! My clothes are so dry.
They're so dry, my clothes, with the tumble.
They're so dry! I mean, I used to just hang them up and hope in the hallway.
Now, they're so dry! Nothing fits, but They're so dry and tiny, my clothes.
I love it! Anything you want, chuck in there.
Tumble! All you need, a little de-fluff now and again, which is fun, isn't it? That's always fun.
I'm a little old for the tumble tube.
These, you know, you know the little tube that just? I think he shouts all the water out.
He's like, "Tumble!" He's a little old for that, isn't it? We got ours in the kitchen, our tumble dryer.
Because there's a gap where the sink should be.
I know what you're thinking.
Where's the tumble tube going? Where are you putting the tube? Cat flap.
Perfect, isn't it? Straight for the flap, outdoor's still locked, house secure.
No breeze, because it's for the flap.
Only problem is no-one told the cat.
Poor little fella's coming home after a night out.
Oh, hello.
There's a tube in my flap.
What's going on there? Some sweets, some dreamies? What's the? Tumble! Tumbled the cat, didn't we? It's all right, I've got a nice little kitten now.
It's quality.
It will shrink anything.
Like the dishwasher as well.
I've got a dishwasher.
I like dishwasher.
He's all right.
Keeps his head down, doesn't he? Stays out of trouble.
Occasionally, pops his little light on, doesn't he? Like, hello! Beep, beep! Dishwasher here, DW just checking in.
Sorry to interrupt, but I need some salt.
What? Why?! What are you doing in there, tequila? What's happening?! You're supposed to be washing the glasses, not using them! What's he need salt for?! Before I got a dishwasher, I didn't do washing up by hand and go, "Here we go.
Let's get a bowl of salt.
Can't do the dishes without seasoning, can we?" What's it want now, handful of coriander? There you go, mate, get on with it.
The worst is when it asks for Rinse Aid.
Get a life! Rinse Aid! Do me a favour.
It's got two jobs - wash it, rinse it.
Shut up! But I don't mind the dishwasher.
Washing machine, though, I do not like.
Arrogant.
Flash, isn't it? Smarmy little bastard.
Too many settings, isn't it? It reckons itself, doesn't it? Quick wash, slow wash, 30 degrees, 40 degrees, 50 degrees, synthetics, cottons, silk.
And it's a liar.
It's a liar, the washing machine.
It lies about how long's left.
Never been right! Walked past it the other day.
30 minutes, it said.
Well, it said 30.
I don't know what it's counting in, but it said 30.
Go and watch the football.
Watch the first half of the football, 45 minutes.
Come back, it's on ten! In what world was that 20 minutes? I turned around, looked in the fridge, went back, it went down to nine! That weren't a minute! And I know that because it's a minute before the fridge alarm goes off.
So, I go and watch the second half of the football, right? Watched it, 45 minutes, come back.
It's on one.
Eight minute second-half? That don't make sense, does it? But I thought, you know, I'm busy, but I'm not that busy.
I'll sit it out.
Ten minutes I looked at a one minute.
I was getting more and more angry, just losing it.
And I thought, "Just go to bed, Rob.
"Just go to bed, sort it out in the morning," right? Went upstairs, went to bed, right? Got ready for bed, clean my teeth.
Four hours later, I'm getting into bed.
And I'm trying to make it more subtle.
And I get into bed.
My head hits the pillow, right? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Finished, isn't it? And I've got one of those machines that beeps for ever.
I don't know if you have this, because I don't need it to beep for ever.
Just a couple of beeps will do.
Because it's not as if if it don't beep for ever, I'll forget I own a washing machine and clothes.
Just walk past it every day for ever.
What's that big white thing with clothes in? If it beeps, I'll have a look in it.
But as soon as it's not beeping, I'll leave it shut for the rest of my life.
I think, "Right, it's beeping.
"Just go downstairs, get it out the washing machine "and chuck it in the tumble dryer, you'll be fine.
" The old faithful, not a problem, right? Get up, go downstairs, go to open it "Sorry, I'm locked! "I'm not feeling safe yet, actually.
"I'm locked.
"I'm draining.
" How much water could be in there? I'll be all right.
We're not on the Titanic, mate! Just open it up, let me in.
I'm willing to take the risk.
And I lost it.
And I don't know if you've ever ripped the door off a washing machine .
.
with your bare hands.
Right? It feels good! The only problem is when the repair man's there in the morning, and he goes, "How did this happen?" And all you've got is, "It come off in my hand" And he goes, "Well, in my opinion, "it looks like it's been ripped from the hinges "and stamped on.
" Well, I'm not paying you for your opinion.
Fix it, shut up and get out of my house.
Is your dad staying for dinner or is he going? What's that? Right.
Are you ready for your first act? Please welcome to the stage Jen Brister! Well, good evening, Apollo! It's lovely to be here.
I've come all the way from Brighton.
Just in case you're wondering what this haircut is about.
Um I might be a new face for some of you people.
Don't panic, the BBC invited me here cos they .
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they needed a beige lesbian.
So I'm just here to tick some boxes.
Not your box, madam.
Just Just a metaphorical box.
I'm half Spanish, that's what's happening there.
I've got a Spanish mum.
And she lives here in the UK, it's all very legal.
She's lived longer in the UK than she's ever lived in Spain but the brilliant thing about my mum is that she's never lost her accent.
She's still very, very Lots of words she cannot pronounce.
Lots of lots of words she cannot pronounce, huh? My favourite word that my mum's never been able to pronounce is .
.
my brother's name.
It's not even a difficult name.
His name's Stephen.
I don't know if you've noticed this, but Spanish people, any word that begins with a letter S, they struggle, right? So my mum doesn't call him Stephen.
She calls him Estevan.
What's his name, Mum? Estevan.
Is it? Isn't it just Stephen? No.
I know his name, he's my son, it is Estevan! I don't know how my mum My mum's never really coped in this country.
And I think it's because like a lot of Mediterranean people, she's quite loud.
Yeah? She's got one volume.
It's like this - Hallo!! How are you?! Whereas in this country, particularly if we're middle class, we tend to be low talkers, don't we? We don't like to raise our voices, do we? Why? Because we've got money.
And we just assume that if you are raising your voice, well, you're probably poor.
Or worse, foreign.
Great thing about having a Mediterranean mum is they feed you.
Oh, my God.
She's always feeding.
That's her way of showing that she loves her children is to feed us.
Anything could be going on in my life and my mum will relate it back to a meal that she's cooked.
Do you know what I mean? Like, so good or bad, particularly if I'm depressed, if I phone up my mum, and I've had a terrible day, yeah? I phone up my mum.
The conversation always goes like this.
"Oh, Jennifer.
My God, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time right now.
"But, you know what? Don't worry, OK? I made a soup.
"Come home, you sound hungry.
"I made chicken, carne, lamb tagine.
"I made some tortillas, some paellas, some cauliflower.
"Maybe some meatballs, some beef, some banana ball.
"You're a lesbian.
You don't eat enough balls, please? "Come home.
"Eat my balls.
" I'm 42.
Don't worry, I'm not going to moan about my age.
I realise there's nothing worse than somebody younger than you moaning about their age.
You know, when you overhear somebody saying things like this on the bus, "I'm going to be 23 on Saturday "and I just feel really old.
" And you think, "I will "stab you in the face.
" I'm not going to moan about it.
You get boring as you get older because you-you just you do less.
And the way to make sure that you really nail the coffin in dullness, have kids.
Oh, my God! Snoresville! I've got twins.
I've got twins, yeah.
Going to be three in a few weeks' time.
And Don't cheer that, thank you.
If you had twins, you'd be like, "Oh, unbelievable! Keep going, mate!" Because I am This is a dream sequence for me.
I think I'm actually dead.
I was Do you know what I was really worried about before I had children? It wasn't about being a parent.
I was really worried about being dull.
Because I'm not I mean, look.
Having kids late, 42, yeah? And they're only, like, nearly three.
Most of my friends have had kids, and I remember my best mate when she had her kids.
Dear God.
Before the children arrived, we'd have interesting conversations about current affairs, popular culture.
She'd ask me questions like, "How are you?" Yeah.
Soon as the kids arrived .
.
that went.
Go round the house and it's a bit more like this, "Oh, hi, Jen.
Oh, Jen, thanks so much for coming, Jen.
Look at the baby.
Look at the baby.
"Isn't the baby the most beautiful baby you've ever seen in your life? "We love this baby, don't we, Dave? We like to look at the baby all day.
Jen, look at the baby.
"You don't want to miss a second of anything the baby's doing.
"What did we learn today, David? We learned something really important today, Dave.
We learned war is bad.
"We didn't know that until we had a baby.
Jen, look at the baby.
Jen, look at the baby "I had to video everything the baby does.
We think our baby's a genius.
"We think our baby is more clever than any other baby that's ever existed before.
"What are you looking at me like that, David? What's happening, David? The baby's blinking? "That's incredible, Dave.
Video it! Play it back to our friends while they self-harm in our living room.
" I do not want to be that person.
And it is not sustainable.
Yeah? Because that mate of yours will make the error of having two or maybe three kids.
Go round their house after they've had their second or third child, and you'll find a very subtle change in their behaviour.
It's a bit more like this.
"Sorry, mate.
Can I just stop you there? It's just that "little Johnny's got his fingers in the plug socket and I'm worried he might electrocute himself.
" "Leave him, we've got another one.
Open the Pinot Grigio.
" Being a parent is hard! It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.
And no-one tells you! Yeah, in fact, no-one is more delighted for you to have children than your friends who have children.
They are over and above more excited for you than members of your family.
Tell a mate with kids you're going to have kids, they're like that "Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you! "I'm sure they'll give you so much, you'll grow as a person.
"Unconditional love!" At the time you think, "God, they are really happy for me.
" It's only after you have your kids that you go, "That was hysteria.
" Do you know what I wish? If one of my mates had taken me to one side and just give me an idea about what to expect.
You know, just sat me down gave me a little bit of truth bomb.
I would have appreciated this conversation.
"Brister.
Hello, mate.
Why don't you sit down? "Just to let you know, it's bit of a horror show.
"You're never going to finish a cup of tea or coffee again.
"You're going to have to have a shit with the door open.
"Your sex life is over, your social life is dead, "and if you want to have an ice cream, you're going to have to have it behind a bin in the garden.
"Anyway Congratulations.
" Apollo, you've been an absolute delight.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Thank you so much! Jen Brister! Oh, yeah.
You ready for another act? Yeah! Welcome to the stage Darren Harriott! Yes! Wild one! Glad to be here, man.
My name is Darren Harriott.
I'm 29 Very much a typical sort of millennial, you know? I've got typical millennial traits.
Always on my phone.
My favourite website is Google.
I know, it's a bit weird, isn't it? It's not a website, it's a search engine.
It's like saying, "What's your favourite sexual position?" "Bedroom.
" I'll tell you what I love about Google, right? You can tap anything you want into the search bars, and you never get in trouble.
Like, anything.
I was bored one day and I tapped into Google, "how to dispose of a dead body.
" The weird part was by the time I tapped in "dispose," Google finished the rest of the sentence off for me.
I mean, that's a bit weird, right? Somebody else has already asked this as a question! Literally hundreds and hundreds of comments from people saying things like, "Don't worry.
Close the laptop.
Pray, the Lord will forgive you.
" Except for one psychopath who wrote a full detailed description of exactly how to dispose of a dead body, to the point where it was chilling.
He's like, "Yeah, you've got to chop the body into pieces, shave the hair off, take the teeth out, "put the body parts into bin liners, "spray the bin liner with deodorant so the cats don't rip the bag" Really chilling.
Then at the end, he just had the nerve to put, "Hope this helps.
" What a nice guy! I'm obsessed, man.
I'm obsessed with the way society is going.
Like, do you think we're getting too PC? Yeah! We might be.
Every year, we lose a Halloween costume.
I'll tell you why I think that, right? I tell you why I think we might be getting too PC.
We now have racial emojis.
Remember when all emojis were yellow? And nobody cared? I tell you why I don't like these new racial emojis, because I had no idea what shade of black I was .
.
until these new emojis came out, but apparently, I am second-to-last black.
Yeah.
On holiday, I'm the guy on the end.
But I am British.
I'm Black British.
I like being Black British because you can brag about the British Empire but have none of the guilt.
Oh, it's amazing! I am British and proud, man.
I Listen.
I voted in the Brexit thing, I voted remain.
I did.
I tell you why I voted in the Brexit thing.
Never cared about politics before, until then.
Very millennial way.
I saw a clip online of a woman losing her mind about Brexit and she said something I had never heard before and I've still never heard it.
She was on Question Time.
And she was like, "Look.
I am white English! "And because of these refugees, "we are now the indigenous people of this land!" And I'm sitting there in my boxer shorts like, "For real? "You're indigenous now, really? You're dying out, really? "Really? Sting's going to bring you to the Emmys, really? "Really?" Now, look, I know there's white English people in here today.
And I just want to say, thank you for coming! It's always good to have some of the natives in! Oh, I'm going to be taking pictures with you outside.
Show the grandkids how crazy things were! I know, you're still in the lead, isn't it? You're still in the lead.
I've been to Cornwall.
We had all these marches.
Feminist march, you guys go? Yeah, man.
Even I went.
I did! I went there looking for a date.
Honestly! A bunch of women angry at an old white guy - as a young black guy, smooth sailing, boy! I went there with a net.
There were some creepy guy there, as well, who had a T-shirt on that said, "I am a feminist.
" And I was like, "Urgh! All right.
" And he opens his bag, puts on a hat that said, "I am a feminist," too.
And I was like, "You're a creep!" Honestly! Like, I support the feminist movement, but come on! Really? You need to put it on two different types of fabric? Really? And I support it.
I do.
But I reckon deep down women aren't even attracted to guys like that who walk around with a T-shirt saying, "I'm a feminist.
" Because deep down, you know he's not going to do all the things you want in the bedroom.
Even the basic stuff! "Tell me I've been a bad girl.
" "You're a strong, independent woman!" Exactly! I'm a big supporter of people's rights, man.
That's my thing, big supporter.
The LGBT community, big supporter of that.
But I got told off! Because it's not just LGBT any more, is it? It's a little bit longer.
It's LGBTQIAPK - Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual, pansexual, kinky.
Yeah! They took all the colours of the rainbow.
Now they've taken the letters! And I support it! I do! I support it.
Except for the last one.
Kinky.
Are kinky people a marginalised group now? Kinky's just a matter of opinion, isn't it? What's kinky to me might just be Tuesday for you, you piece of shit! I tell you one thing, right? Officially, officially, there's over 50 different genders now.
50! It's catching up with Pokemon! And I support it.
Again, I support all these different genders.
But I tell you one thing - that's really going to ruin the game Guess Who? "Is it a man?" "No.
" "OK.
" "Is it someone who was born a man and now lives as a woman?" "No.
" "OK.
" "Is it someone who was born a man, but no longer lives as a man or a woman, "refers to themselves as gender fluid and doesn't answer to pronouns he or she? "Also wearing a hat?" Guys, I just want to say, back when I was trying to make it as a comic, I used to work here as a security guard.
So, doing this now has been a legit dream come true.
Thank you very much, man! Darren Harriott! Give it up for the acts you've seen, Jen Brister! Darren Harriott! And I've been Rob Beckett.
Be lucky and good night!