Live at The Apollo (2004) s13e04 Episode Script
Henning Wehn, Lucy Porter, Guz Khan
1 Oh, yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Henning Wehn! Hey! Good evening, Apollo! Are you all in a good mood? A German host! Wahey! Them Brexit negotiations, they're really not going very well, are they? One of the many concessions.
And to make matters worse, I've never ever done stand-up back home.
The reason being, I'm not good enough to cut it in Germany.
Here in Britain, fucking easy! If you want to have success as a stand-up here in Britain, all you need to do, loads of swearing.
In Germany, we don't swear at all.
Reason being, things work.
Isn't even a joke.
Heh! I really enjoy doing stand-up in the UK because no matter how badly a gig might go, the worst that can possibly happen to a performer is that someone will come up to them after and go, "I enjoyed it.
" 15 years ago, when I first came over, I would have always taken it as a face-value compliment, but now I understand it's the British way of saying, "That was shit.
" It's in the same league as, "Good effort!" "That was interesting.
" "You're so brave.
" "Stand-up comedy, that must be the hardest job in the world.
"Standing on stage making other people laugh.
"I couldn't do iteither.
" Had them all said to me time and again.
I always felt at home living in the UK, I always felt at home, and then I woke up last year on June 24th, thinking, "Cor blimey.
" And I didn't see it coming.
Did you see it coming? No! No, most of you didn't.
Some probably did.
I probably should have seen it coming because a few months prior to the referendum, I was asked to front a TV programme called An Immigrant's Guide to Britain.
A programme for immigrants by immigrants.
And that was my opening experience, mainly that the makers consider me an immigrant.
I mean, I see myself as all sorts.
I was born in Hagen in Westfalen, so I'm Westphalian.
I'm German, European.
These days, Londoner.
Wahey! Wahey! At a push, Cockney.
Huh! Innit? And I know if I ever have to disappear, I can easily blend in in the north-east.
No, honestly, I can, I can, becausebecause I have been reading .
.
the Viz magazine now for well over a decade.
I never miss an issue.
And, luckily, everything's written phonetically, so I'm a shoe-in for the Newcastle area.
Where's me favourite, Sid the Sexist? Where is he, then? Oh, here he is.
"Hullo, Sid!" "Hullo, lads! What the fook are yees all grinning aboot?" Uncanny, innit? Uncanny! Anyone blind's going, "What's Alan Shearer doing in here?" You know, if they ever remake Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, I mean, I can audition for all the parts, can't I? It's a one-man play waiting to be performed by me.
If I ever get a contract at Newcastle United, or as we call them, the Toon, the whole Gallowgate will be going, # He's one of our owwwn He's one of our owwwn Henning Wehn, one of our owwwn.
One of our own, eh? You lads and lasses speak Geordie, man.
Why-aye, champion, or something like that.
Ah! I'm not an immigrant.
Absolutely no hardship in me story.
I always thought, "Nah, I'm not an immigrant "because there are absolutely no expectations back home.
" It wasn't that people back home were going, "Ooh, let's hope Henning succeeds in Britain ".
.
so we can afford a second goat.
" There was nothing riding on it one way or the other.
I cannot possibly be an immigrant, I have never used Western Union! Now, that is surely conclusive proof! Now, this might be a technicality, but I always thought to qualify as an immigrant, you had to move somewhere better.
Moving somewhere worse is what I associate with becoming an expat.
Or in more extreme cases, relief worker.
Back home, I was second best at everything.
Didn't cut the mustard whatsoever.
But here in the UK, everything's at eye level.
Everything's like, "Yeah, I can do it roughly like that".
And that's why Britain is such a popular place with foreigners, because everything's achievablegive or take.
Except for becoming upperclass.
If you weren't born into it, no chance.
The best you can hope for is "wrong 'un done good".
Anyway, the vast majority of foreigners in the country are economic migrants.
And it's become a little bit of a dirty word, and I understand why, because let's be honest, them econmonic migrants, they do ruin it for the British workforce.
You don't have to agree with me openly on this one, everybody knows I'm spot-on.
Economic migrants, they do ruin it for the British workforce.
Turning up in the morning on time, sober, wanting to work.
What's wrong with you? Call in sick! Assimilate, you bastard! What do you mean, "trying to better yourself"? You make me sick! I mean, it's not a problem if a society, if we've got ethnic backgrounds.
It's one of the brilliant things about Britain, having different ethnic backgrounds, as long Well, as long as there is some glue that holds us all together, because otherwise, well, you're talking parallel societies, and that's route one towards civil unrest.
And what's the most basic thing we all need to share so we can communicate with each other? Language! Language.
Exactly right.
Thank you very much.
And David Cameron, remember him? A few months before he buggered off and left the country in the doldrums, he said whoever has been living here a good few years and still doesn't speak the language, he wanted to send them home.
Now, I don't know how he would have administered it, but I get the basic idea.
You've been living here a few years, still don't speak the language, you clearly don't want to integrate, what asset are you to this society? But what's wrong with the current model? I mean, if you don't speak any English, you're given a contract in the Premier League.
And the poor bastards even have to give interviews after the games.
I mean, that's just cruel, if you ask me.
"Eh, eh "Ehehscore goal.
"Eh "Team win.
EhI happy.
" And that's the manager! So when you move abroad, learn the language.
And what else brings us together? Well, symbols, such as flags.
Seeing we're in England, it's the flag of St George.
Because nothing says "welcome to England" more than a St George's flag in someone's front garden.
Now, I absolutely love the flag of St George because it's a first-class burglar deterrent.
"I'm not going anywhere near that one, it's some nutter's house.
" I mean, obviously equating the flag of St George with mental health problems and violence is quite a middle-class notion, innit? All the scallywags going around burgling houses, they know better.
They know the flag of St George outside the house guarantees a 70" plasma TV screen inside the house, and make it a prime target.
So you're off much better flying the flag of English Heritage.
No-one will come near it because they know it's at least £20 to get in and absolutely nothing worth nicking.
"Oh, look at this antique bed, it's a masterpiece!" Well, it's only four-foot long because they were all dwarves back then! They're only good for the bonfire.
So when you move abroad, learn the language, drape yourself in the flag, and once you have done that, might as well go the whole hog, mightn't you, and do the citizenship test.
That's essentially a high-stakes pub quiz.
A high-stakes pub quiz where the winner gets a passport, rather than some low-quality meats.
And you can do it once you've been in the country for five years.
And I never considered it, but since the referendum, I've slightly changed my tune on that topic.
Better safe than sorry.
But I have to be honest with you, I'm actually excited about Brexit.
I really am.
And I want a proper, hard Brexit.
Because I've felt for years that I arrived in the UK far too late.
You know, I wish I'd been here before Britain joined the common market.
Because from all I hear, it must have been an absolute paradise.
It was, wasn't it? You only had to go to work three days a week.
Very low electricity bills because mostly, there wasn't any.
Hopefully, we can relive those wonderful times together in the very near future.
Who knows, it might still turn out a really good decision.
Who knows? It's too early to say.
But whatever happens next on this island, I want to be part of it.
And that's why I've started revising for that citizenship test.
Some of the questions, you couldn't make them up.
And, like, one of them is, "What day is Vaisakhi being celebrated?" What? What? What? Yeah, that was me, "What?!" I had to google it.
It transpires that it's some Indian festivity.
They want you to know the answer to that! And they want you to know, "How many days does Hanukkah go on for?" "How many days does Ramadan go on for?" Now, if I know the answers to all them questions, I'm only given one passport.
I feel quite short-changed, to be honest with you.
But again, the idea behind that tokenistic approach is pretty straightforward, isn't it? Because like it or loathe it, certainly, the bigger cities in the UK are multi-faith affairs, and knowing a little bit about each other cannot possibly be a bad thing.
Knowing the answers to them questions doesn't help you understand what mainstream Britain is all about.
I mean, if you want to find out about mainstream Britain, go to the darts.
A single evening explains all.
Who has been to the darts? Yeah! I mean, that is the best night out ever, isn't it? I mean, that is 180 out of 180, it really, really is.
A phenomenal night out.
Let's quickly set the scene.
No-one at the darts watches the darts.
The board's too small, too far away and the whole game, quite frankly, far too boring.
Instead, the whole entertainment is the audience shouting abuse at each other.
And that's achieved in the following way - there's two different kinds of ticket.
There's raked seats all around, and then there is an identical number of seats available at tables in the middle.
And the tickets at the tables, they're a fiver dearer.
And the whole entertainment is centred around those £5.
Because all evening long, the people at the tables shout at the people in the raked seats, "You can't afford a table! You can't afford a table!" And then the raked seats retaliate with # Did your father, did your father Did you father pay for that? # We pay your benefits We pay your benefits Does your butler know you're here? And that's Britain in a nutshell, innit? Class obsession, tribalism and very, very narrow margins.
Because think about it, even the people at them posh tables, they're still only at the darts.
Do you want to see some more comedy? Wunderbar! Please welcome to the stage the phenomenal Lucy Porter! My God! Well, well! Hello! Hello! I'm so delighted to be here.
I'm Lucy, I'm a suburban mother of two.
I have two small children.
I say that, I lie, I have two young children.
They're not small because they take after my husband, Justin.
I'm 4' 11", my husband, Justin, is 6' 5".
So to give you a mental image of what that's like, in the bedroom, it's like a ventriloquism act that's gone to a very dark place.
Don't dwell on that image or anything, but it does sort of look like he's wearing a novelty pencil sharpener on his, erm Anyway But, yeah, the kids are massive, so Cos when I got pregnant, our friends were fascinated.
They were like, "This is some kind of medical experiment.
"What happens if you cross a cart horse with a Shetland pony?" And the results werethey always wanted to be in the delivery room.
They were like, "This could be the first time the baby slaps the midwife back," right? It's weird as well, cos they don't look like me, not just cos they're massive, but also cos they've inherited Justin's colouring.
They are blonde-haired, blue-eyed.
It's like I've been ethnically cleansed from my own family.
I did all the hard work, none of my DNA made the cut.
We're different in lots of ways, Justin and I.
Class-wise, we're quite different.
I would say I'm lower middle class.
I'm from a place called Croydon.
For anyone who doesn't know Croydon, it's a lovely little fishing village just to the south of London.
A beautiful spot.
So, I would say I'm lower middle class, I think I'm lower middle class.
Justin is from a little village in Hampshire, mm-hm? So I would say he's upper middle class, right? And you might say, "Well, you're both middle class, what's the difference?" But, lower middle class, upper middle class, there are differences.
It's things like, both our families had holiday homes, but theirs didn't have wheels.
But we've moved now, we've moved to a place called Pinner.
And we only moved to Pinner because the estate agent said to us, he said, "Oh, Pinner is a lovely part of west London.
" West London? We get Welsh telly.
It's not London, its not London.
But it is very nice.
One of the things I like about where we live is it's very multicultural.
I think that's one of the brilliant things about London.
I think multiculturalism is something we really have to fight for.
Like, the school my kids go to, it was very easy to pick a school for my kids, cos obviously we just picked the one with the highest ceilings, but the school they go to, it's a really nice school and it's very diverse.
Like, we have a mums' night out once a month and all the mums from the school go.
And there are women there from every economic background, every race, every religion.
And we have a fantastic time and the Muslim mums drive us home.
I tell you what, it is nice.
I had an incident the other day, though.
I was walking down the street near where I live and it was one of those sunny days.
One of those days that reminds some van drivers that women have breasts, you know one of those? And I was walking down the street and there was a van drove up and slowed down and two guys leaned out of the van and they were in classic kind of leching position.
And I knew they weren't going to be looking at me, because I'm 44 years old And, in fact, my older friends, when I was turning 40, they said, "Aw, being over 40, it makes you invisible.
" And I have found, yes, that is true, but the brilliant thing is it mostly makes you invisible to dickheads, so it's not really a problem, it's a superpower if anything.
So, I'm walking down the street and these two guys are leaning out of this van and I see they're leching, but they're looking past me at a younger woman, a woman in her 20s who is walking alongside me.
And these guys do the classic thing, they lean out of the van and they gave this woman a very detailed appraisal of her anatomy.
You know, they covered all the main areas in bullet pointed form, very thorough.
And then they went on to suggest what I can only describe as a smorgasbord of activities they felt they would enjoy indulging in with her were they not under pressure of time to get to the next plumbing job.
So, they did all this and they drove off and naturally I turned to this woman and I said, "Oh, my gosh, are you OK? That was horrific.
" And she said, "No, I'm fine, it happens all the time.
" And I thought, "Yeah, it does when you're in your 20s, doesn't it?" And we were chatting about how silly it was as we walked down the street.
And then we got further down the road and the traffic had slowed down and this van had come to a stop.
And I think a few years ago, I would have just left it, said nothing, but this year, I thought, "Do you know what, if I'm going to be invisible, you know who else is invisible? Ninjas.
" "I am going to be a bloody middle-aged ninja, I'm going to strike," right? So, I went up to the van and I just leaned in and I said, "Oh, hi, guys, listen, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to say "thank you so much for what you did back there, because my son "here has been undergoing a very difficult gender reassignment.
" "And, to be honest, he's been worried that it's not going that well, "but what you did back there really made him feel like a proper woman.
" Whooo! Thank you, I was delighted with myself as well.
But what was really special was that then the young woman next to me leaned in beside me and in the deepest voice I've ever heard just went, "Yeah, thanks, guys.
" It was a beautiful moment.
Obviously, it wasn't perfect.
The only thing that could've made it perfect would have been if the guys in the van had said, "Actually, if your child is "undergoing a gender reassignment, it's incredibly insensitive of you "still to be referring to her using the male pronoun.
" They didn't do that, they just called us slags.
Before I go, I was just going to tell you, Justin, I said he's an actor.
He's a giant of the acting world, by which I mean he's six foot five and he's been in Holby City.
But he was on EastEnders recently.
Whooo! Right? I know.
And he got the job on EastEnders and he came home, and when you get a part in EastEnders, they're very precious about their security, right? So they said to him, they said, "We'll send you the script for EastEnders the day before you film, "no longer before, just because we don't want it to get leaked.
" And they said, "We will encrypt the file when we e-mail it to you, "so it'll come into your e-mail and you won't be able to read it "until we give you the password to decode it.
" And they said, "We will phone you with the password, "but we won't phone your mobile, cos mobiles aren't secure, "so we will call your landline with the password, right?" So it gets to the day before filming and he gets the script and then the phone goes and he picks it up and he starts typing and he's laughing.
And I said, "Well, what is it? Why are you laughing?" And he said, "Oh, it's just the password is EastEnders.
" Your BBC, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you so much for having me.
Have a wonderful evening, thank you.
Lucy Porter! Are you up for some more comedy? Wonderful.
Please welcome to the stage the phenomenal Guz Khan! Yeah.
Live At The Apollo, what you saying? You all right, yeah? Listen.
It's crazy being here, man, it's surreal, in fact.
Until 20 months ago, I was a public servant.
I was a full-time secondary school teacher.
That's right - usually, I get a cheer, but you're thinking, "I'm glad he's out, I don't want him teaching my kids.
"I don't want him teaching my kids!" You know what? People don't take teaching seriously.
It's a vocation, it's a way of life.
Teachers sacrifice their welfare, their sanity, their health.
We are not just teachers who deliver a curriculum, we are loco parentis, all right? That means we are in the place of a parent.
Do you know how much responsibility that is? Young lady, do you know how much responsibility that is? All right? Yeah? But we're not just parents, man, we're grandmas, grandads, we are medical professionals, all right? I don't have the qualifications to carry that off, but we are medical professionals, all right? Some of the shit we have to listen to at 7.
30 in the morning is unbelievable, all right? I want to give you an example.
One of my boys gets up out of his chair, walks over to me.
I say, "Hey, did I say it was OK for you to get out of your chair?" He said, "Nah, sir, but listen, yeah?" "Sir, this is a serious, now.
" I said, "Listen, man, I don't care if it's 'a serious', yeah? "Just give me till break time and I'll do it.
" He said, "Nah, sir, you don't understand.
This is a serious now.
" I said, "Is anybody touching you?" You have to check that, innit? I'm an adult, you got to check that.
I said, "Is anybody touching you? "Because if they are, go tell someone else, "that's a lot of paperwork, man, I've already got this to do! "Tell the year head, he's not doing anything.
"In fact, here's some advice for you, son - run! "Anybody try touch you, just run away!" He said, "Nah, sir, listen, man, stop mugging man off and that, yeah, "this is a serious medical issue man's got now, yeah?" I said, "What is it?" He said, "Sir, yeah, I looked down this morning, yeah? "And I got a problem here.
" I said, "What? In your stomach region?" He said, "Nah, sir, I got a problem in my pinnis.
" I said, "You are not going to pass GCSE English "if you pronounce words like that, we need to work on this.
" He said, "Nah, sir, listen, stop mugging man off, yeah.
"Seriously, man, man's got a problem down here, innit? Down here.
" I said, "Well, what's wrong?" He said, "Sir, I woke up first thing in the morning, "I looked down there, yeah, and my ting has turned green.
" Now, Apollo, don't get me wrong, I was grossed out, but I was kind of interested as well.
"Green?!" "What the hell you been doing? Dipping it in mint tea? Why is it green?" I've got this going on and one of my girls jumps out of her chair.
"Sir, sir, listen, yeah, I shared a Cornetto with Craig "and now I'm pregnant, what shall I do?" I said "Whoa! Whoa! "That's not how that works, but can you give me "a minute, please, I'm over here trying to deal with something.
" She said, "Sir, you know what, now, I'm sick of you, yeah, you don't "ever give me the attention like you used to.
If you don't listen "to me right now, I'm going to start self-harming, sir.
I hate you, sir.
" I said, "Shush!" "Shush, please, OK? Just give me a minute.
"I'm over here trying to figure out what's wrong with Teenage Mutant Ninja Dick and YOU" ".
.
are stressing me out with your immaculate Cornetto conception story.
Go away!" I hate these kids! Let's, ugh Let's lighten the mood a little bit.
Let's talk about terrorism.
Terrorism Listen, one of my main issues with terrorism is simple, right.
It's got people that have known me my entire life doubting my credibility, all right? It's mad And I want to let you know, all right, you guys are a little bit worried at the moment.
I'll make it explicit for you.
I am not a member of Isis, all right? I'm not, OK? I've nothing to do with those people, I don't follow their ideology.
That's cos I've got six months left on my Al-Qaeda membership.
Where did they go? My gosh.
One of the worst things about terrorism is how it's got people doubting my credibility, people I've known my whole life, all right? I want to give you an example.
I've got a neighbour, OK? She's called Maud, she's known me for 27 years.
And because of the media narrative, the way that the media portrays Muslims, minorities, Black Lives Matter The world is very divisive, who in this room just wants to live and get along? Make some noise.
Exactly, we all want to, all right? But the media has got people doubting me, all right? So, I've had my neighbour 27 years, we've got a It's a nice, simple thing, it's a neighbourly thing to do, all right? A regular Friday wheelie bin ritual.
We grab the wheelie bin, drag it down to the end of the driveway, have a quick natter, go back in.
It's what neighbours do, innit? It's what neighbours do, all right? This particular Friday, Maud is like clockwork, but she was late.
And I'm thinking, "Is Maud OK? "I hope she's all right, usually she's like" The bin was stinking of shit but I thought, "You know what, I'm going to stay here, "I'm going to be a good neighbour and have this conversation.
" Three minutes later, boom! She kicks open the door, she's stressed, she's flustered.
I said, "Maud, is everything OK?" She says, "No! "No, Guz, everything is far from all right.
"Have you seen the news?" I'm like, "Listen, Maud, a lot of my cousins are on there, I don't watch that shit, you know that "It brings back a lot of bad memories for me, Maud.
" She says, "Guz, it's the Izis.
" I-Z-I, she's from Birmingham, that's how she spells it.
"It's the Izis.
"They've been doing terrible bloody terrorisms again, them lot.
" I was like, "Listen, that's bad, I don't agree with those people "and, you know, I hope they're brought to justice.
" She says, "You say that, Guzzy, yeah, but you've got to tell me something, babes.
"You're nothing like them, are you?" I said, "What? "Maud, you've known me 27 years, baby, I'm nothing like them, "stop buying into the media narrative, "stop buying into the news, I'm me, Guz, your neighbour.
" She says, "I know, I know you say that, it's just that from very specific angles" ".
.
it's a very Bin Laden look you've got going on there.
" I said, "Hey! I don't even look like that guy.
Very racist!" She says, "Guz, I know, I'm just being silly, I'm just being silly, "but you just do me one more favour, though, babes, OK? "It's just more for my Rod, really, yeah? "If you hear anything about it before the news does, just let me know.
" Live At The Apollo, what does Maud think is going on here? That all Muslims are in one WhatsApp group? Because, blud .
.
that's a very big WhatsApp group! That's 1.
8 billion participants, to be specific.
That's a lot of blue ticks to keep hold of.
"Imran, Imran are you there, bro?" "Which Imran am I addressing? "There's 33 million Imrans in the group!" Guys, I'm out.
My name's Guz Khan.
Thank you.
You lot need to I'm a confident guy, I'm a confident guy, you need to remember the name, guys, cos I'm going to blow up.
Not like that, you pricks.
Say Guz Khan, thank you! Guz Khan! Ladies and gentlemen, you have been an absolute delight, please give it up one more time for the two phenomenal acts we have seen.
Lucy Porter and Guz Khan! Thank you very much, Auf Wiedersehen.
And to make matters worse, I've never ever done stand-up back home.
The reason being, I'm not good enough to cut it in Germany.
Here in Britain, fucking easy! If you want to have success as a stand-up here in Britain, all you need to do, loads of swearing.
In Germany, we don't swear at all.
Reason being, things work.
Isn't even a joke.
Heh! I really enjoy doing stand-up in the UK because no matter how badly a gig might go, the worst that can possibly happen to a performer is that someone will come up to them after and go, "I enjoyed it.
" 15 years ago, when I first came over, I would have always taken it as a face-value compliment, but now I understand it's the British way of saying, "That was shit.
" It's in the same league as, "Good effort!" "That was interesting.
" "You're so brave.
" "Stand-up comedy, that must be the hardest job in the world.
"Standing on stage making other people laugh.
"I couldn't do iteither.
" Had them all said to me time and again.
I always felt at home living in the UK, I always felt at home, and then I woke up last year on June 24th, thinking, "Cor blimey.
" And I didn't see it coming.
Did you see it coming? No! No, most of you didn't.
Some probably did.
I probably should have seen it coming because a few months prior to the referendum, I was asked to front a TV programme called An Immigrant's Guide to Britain.
A programme for immigrants by immigrants.
And that was my opening experience, mainly that the makers consider me an immigrant.
I mean, I see myself as all sorts.
I was born in Hagen in Westfalen, so I'm Westphalian.
I'm German, European.
These days, Londoner.
Wahey! Wahey! At a push, Cockney.
Huh! Innit? And I know if I ever have to disappear, I can easily blend in in the north-east.
No, honestly, I can, I can, becausebecause I have been reading .
.
the Viz magazine now for well over a decade.
I never miss an issue.
And, luckily, everything's written phonetically, so I'm a shoe-in for the Newcastle area.
Where's me favourite, Sid the Sexist? Where is he, then? Oh, here he is.
"Hullo, Sid!" "Hullo, lads! What the fook are yees all grinning aboot?" Uncanny, innit? Uncanny! Anyone blind's going, "What's Alan Shearer doing in here?" You know, if they ever remake Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, I mean, I can audition for all the parts, can't I? It's a one-man play waiting to be performed by me.
If I ever get a contract at Newcastle United, or as we call them, the Toon, the whole Gallowgate will be going, # He's one of our owwwn He's one of our owwwn Henning Wehn, one of our owwwn.
One of our own, eh? You lads and lasses speak Geordie, man.
Why-aye, champion, or something like that.
Ah! I'm not an immigrant.
Absolutely no hardship in me story.
I always thought, "Nah, I'm not an immigrant "because there are absolutely no expectations back home.
" It wasn't that people back home were going, "Ooh, let's hope Henning succeeds in Britain ".
.
so we can afford a second goat.
" There was nothing riding on it one way or the other.
I cannot possibly be an immigrant, I have never used Western Union! Now, that is surely conclusive proof! Now, this might be a technicality, but I always thought to qualify as an immigrant, you had to move somewhere better.
Moving somewhere worse is what I associate with becoming an expat.
Or in more extreme cases, relief worker.
Back home, I was second best at everything.
Didn't cut the mustard whatsoever.
But here in the UK, everything's at eye level.
Everything's like, "Yeah, I can do it roughly like that".
And that's why Britain is such a popular place with foreigners, because everything's achievablegive or take.
Except for becoming upperclass.
If you weren't born into it, no chance.
The best you can hope for is "wrong 'un done good".
Anyway, the vast majority of foreigners in the country are economic migrants.
And it's become a little bit of a dirty word, and I understand why, because let's be honest, them econmonic migrants, they do ruin it for the British workforce.
You don't have to agree with me openly on this one, everybody knows I'm spot-on.
Economic migrants, they do ruin it for the British workforce.
Turning up in the morning on time, sober, wanting to work.
What's wrong with you? Call in sick! Assimilate, you bastard! What do you mean, "trying to better yourself"? You make me sick! I mean, it's not a problem if a society, if we've got ethnic backgrounds.
It's one of the brilliant things about Britain, having different ethnic backgrounds, as long Well, as long as there is some glue that holds us all together, because otherwise, well, you're talking parallel societies, and that's route one towards civil unrest.
And what's the most basic thing we all need to share so we can communicate with each other? Language! Language.
Exactly right.
Thank you very much.
And David Cameron, remember him? A few months before he buggered off and left the country in the doldrums, he said whoever has been living here a good few years and still doesn't speak the language, he wanted to send them home.
Now, I don't know how he would have administered it, but I get the basic idea.
You've been living here a few years, still don't speak the language, you clearly don't want to integrate, what asset are you to this society? But what's wrong with the current model? I mean, if you don't speak any English, you're given a contract in the Premier League.
And the poor bastards even have to give interviews after the games.
I mean, that's just cruel, if you ask me.
"Eh, eh "Ehehscore goal.
"Eh "Team win.
EhI happy.
" And that's the manager! So when you move abroad, learn the language.
And what else brings us together? Well, symbols, such as flags.
Seeing we're in England, it's the flag of St George.
Because nothing says "welcome to England" more than a St George's flag in someone's front garden.
Now, I absolutely love the flag of St George because it's a first-class burglar deterrent.
"I'm not going anywhere near that one, it's some nutter's house.
" I mean, obviously equating the flag of St George with mental health problems and violence is quite a middle-class notion, innit? All the scallywags going around burgling houses, they know better.
They know the flag of St George outside the house guarantees a 70" plasma TV screen inside the house, and make it a prime target.
So you're off much better flying the flag of English Heritage.
No-one will come near it because they know it's at least £20 to get in and absolutely nothing worth nicking.
"Oh, look at this antique bed, it's a masterpiece!" Well, it's only four-foot long because they were all dwarves back then! They're only good for the bonfire.
So when you move abroad, learn the language, drape yourself in the flag, and once you have done that, might as well go the whole hog, mightn't you, and do the citizenship test.
That's essentially a high-stakes pub quiz.
A high-stakes pub quiz where the winner gets a passport, rather than some low-quality meats.
And you can do it once you've been in the country for five years.
And I never considered it, but since the referendum, I've slightly changed my tune on that topic.
Better safe than sorry.
But I have to be honest with you, I'm actually excited about Brexit.
I really am.
And I want a proper, hard Brexit.
Because I've felt for years that I arrived in the UK far too late.
You know, I wish I'd been here before Britain joined the common market.
Because from all I hear, it must have been an absolute paradise.
It was, wasn't it? You only had to go to work three days a week.
Very low electricity bills because mostly, there wasn't any.
Hopefully, we can relive those wonderful times together in the very near future.
Who knows, it might still turn out a really good decision.
Who knows? It's too early to say.
But whatever happens next on this island, I want to be part of it.
And that's why I've started revising for that citizenship test.
Some of the questions, you couldn't make them up.
And, like, one of them is, "What day is Vaisakhi being celebrated?" What? What? What? Yeah, that was me, "What?!" I had to google it.
It transpires that it's some Indian festivity.
They want you to know the answer to that! And they want you to know, "How many days does Hanukkah go on for?" "How many days does Ramadan go on for?" Now, if I know the answers to all them questions, I'm only given one passport.
I feel quite short-changed, to be honest with you.
But again, the idea behind that tokenistic approach is pretty straightforward, isn't it? Because like it or loathe it, certainly, the bigger cities in the UK are multi-faith affairs, and knowing a little bit about each other cannot possibly be a bad thing.
Knowing the answers to them questions doesn't help you understand what mainstream Britain is all about.
I mean, if you want to find out about mainstream Britain, go to the darts.
A single evening explains all.
Who has been to the darts? Yeah! I mean, that is the best night out ever, isn't it? I mean, that is 180 out of 180, it really, really is.
A phenomenal night out.
Let's quickly set the scene.
No-one at the darts watches the darts.
The board's too small, too far away and the whole game, quite frankly, far too boring.
Instead, the whole entertainment is the audience shouting abuse at each other.
And that's achieved in the following way - there's two different kinds of ticket.
There's raked seats all around, and then there is an identical number of seats available at tables in the middle.
And the tickets at the tables, they're a fiver dearer.
And the whole entertainment is centred around those £5.
Because all evening long, the people at the tables shout at the people in the raked seats, "You can't afford a table! You can't afford a table!" And then the raked seats retaliate with # Did your father, did your father Did you father pay for that? # We pay your benefits We pay your benefits Does your butler know you're here? And that's Britain in a nutshell, innit? Class obsession, tribalism and very, very narrow margins.
Because think about it, even the people at them posh tables, they're still only at the darts.
Do you want to see some more comedy? Wunderbar! Please welcome to the stage the phenomenal Lucy Porter! My God! Well, well! Hello! Hello! I'm so delighted to be here.
I'm Lucy, I'm a suburban mother of two.
I have two small children.
I say that, I lie, I have two young children.
They're not small because they take after my husband, Justin.
I'm 4' 11", my husband, Justin, is 6' 5".
So to give you a mental image of what that's like, in the bedroom, it's like a ventriloquism act that's gone to a very dark place.
Don't dwell on that image or anything, but it does sort of look like he's wearing a novelty pencil sharpener on his, erm Anyway But, yeah, the kids are massive, so Cos when I got pregnant, our friends were fascinated.
They were like, "This is some kind of medical experiment.
"What happens if you cross a cart horse with a Shetland pony?" And the results werethey always wanted to be in the delivery room.
They were like, "This could be the first time the baby slaps the midwife back," right? It's weird as well, cos they don't look like me, not just cos they're massive, but also cos they've inherited Justin's colouring.
They are blonde-haired, blue-eyed.
It's like I've been ethnically cleansed from my own family.
I did all the hard work, none of my DNA made the cut.
We're different in lots of ways, Justin and I.
Class-wise, we're quite different.
I would say I'm lower middle class.
I'm from a place called Croydon.
For anyone who doesn't know Croydon, it's a lovely little fishing village just to the south of London.
A beautiful spot.
So, I would say I'm lower middle class, I think I'm lower middle class.
Justin is from a little village in Hampshire, mm-hm? So I would say he's upper middle class, right? And you might say, "Well, you're both middle class, what's the difference?" But, lower middle class, upper middle class, there are differences.
It's things like, both our families had holiday homes, but theirs didn't have wheels.
But we've moved now, we've moved to a place called Pinner.
And we only moved to Pinner because the estate agent said to us, he said, "Oh, Pinner is a lovely part of west London.
" West London? We get Welsh telly.
It's not London, its not London.
But it is very nice.
One of the things I like about where we live is it's very multicultural.
I think that's one of the brilliant things about London.
I think multiculturalism is something we really have to fight for.
Like, the school my kids go to, it was very easy to pick a school for my kids, cos obviously we just picked the one with the highest ceilings, but the school they go to, it's a really nice school and it's very diverse.
Like, we have a mums' night out once a month and all the mums from the school go.
And there are women there from every economic background, every race, every religion.
And we have a fantastic time and the Muslim mums drive us home.
I tell you what, it is nice.
I had an incident the other day, though.
I was walking down the street near where I live and it was one of those sunny days.
One of those days that reminds some van drivers that women have breasts, you know one of those? And I was walking down the street and there was a van drove up and slowed down and two guys leaned out of the van and they were in classic kind of leching position.
And I knew they weren't going to be looking at me, because I'm 44 years old And, in fact, my older friends, when I was turning 40, they said, "Aw, being over 40, it makes you invisible.
" And I have found, yes, that is true, but the brilliant thing is it mostly makes you invisible to dickheads, so it's not really a problem, it's a superpower if anything.
So, I'm walking down the street and these two guys are leaning out of this van and I see they're leching, but they're looking past me at a younger woman, a woman in her 20s who is walking alongside me.
And these guys do the classic thing, they lean out of the van and they gave this woman a very detailed appraisal of her anatomy.
You know, they covered all the main areas in bullet pointed form, very thorough.
And then they went on to suggest what I can only describe as a smorgasbord of activities they felt they would enjoy indulging in with her were they not under pressure of time to get to the next plumbing job.
So, they did all this and they drove off and naturally I turned to this woman and I said, "Oh, my gosh, are you OK? That was horrific.
" And she said, "No, I'm fine, it happens all the time.
" And I thought, "Yeah, it does when you're in your 20s, doesn't it?" And we were chatting about how silly it was as we walked down the street.
And then we got further down the road and the traffic had slowed down and this van had come to a stop.
And I think a few years ago, I would have just left it, said nothing, but this year, I thought, "Do you know what, if I'm going to be invisible, you know who else is invisible? Ninjas.
" "I am going to be a bloody middle-aged ninja, I'm going to strike," right? So, I went up to the van and I just leaned in and I said, "Oh, hi, guys, listen, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to say "thank you so much for what you did back there, because my son "here has been undergoing a very difficult gender reassignment.
" "And, to be honest, he's been worried that it's not going that well, "but what you did back there really made him feel like a proper woman.
" Whooo! Thank you, I was delighted with myself as well.
But what was really special was that then the young woman next to me leaned in beside me and in the deepest voice I've ever heard just went, "Yeah, thanks, guys.
" It was a beautiful moment.
Obviously, it wasn't perfect.
The only thing that could've made it perfect would have been if the guys in the van had said, "Actually, if your child is "undergoing a gender reassignment, it's incredibly insensitive of you "still to be referring to her using the male pronoun.
" They didn't do that, they just called us slags.
Before I go, I was just going to tell you, Justin, I said he's an actor.
He's a giant of the acting world, by which I mean he's six foot five and he's been in Holby City.
But he was on EastEnders recently.
Whooo! Right? I know.
And he got the job on EastEnders and he came home, and when you get a part in EastEnders, they're very precious about their security, right? So they said to him, they said, "We'll send you the script for EastEnders the day before you film, "no longer before, just because we don't want it to get leaked.
" And they said, "We will encrypt the file when we e-mail it to you, "so it'll come into your e-mail and you won't be able to read it "until we give you the password to decode it.
" And they said, "We will phone you with the password, "but we won't phone your mobile, cos mobiles aren't secure, "so we will call your landline with the password, right?" So it gets to the day before filming and he gets the script and then the phone goes and he picks it up and he starts typing and he's laughing.
And I said, "Well, what is it? Why are you laughing?" And he said, "Oh, it's just the password is EastEnders.
" Your BBC, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you so much for having me.
Have a wonderful evening, thank you.
Lucy Porter! Are you up for some more comedy? Wonderful.
Please welcome to the stage the phenomenal Guz Khan! Yeah.
Live At The Apollo, what you saying? You all right, yeah? Listen.
It's crazy being here, man, it's surreal, in fact.
Until 20 months ago, I was a public servant.
I was a full-time secondary school teacher.
That's right - usually, I get a cheer, but you're thinking, "I'm glad he's out, I don't want him teaching my kids.
"I don't want him teaching my kids!" You know what? People don't take teaching seriously.
It's a vocation, it's a way of life.
Teachers sacrifice their welfare, their sanity, their health.
We are not just teachers who deliver a curriculum, we are loco parentis, all right? That means we are in the place of a parent.
Do you know how much responsibility that is? Young lady, do you know how much responsibility that is? All right? Yeah? But we're not just parents, man, we're grandmas, grandads, we are medical professionals, all right? I don't have the qualifications to carry that off, but we are medical professionals, all right? Some of the shit we have to listen to at 7.
30 in the morning is unbelievable, all right? I want to give you an example.
One of my boys gets up out of his chair, walks over to me.
I say, "Hey, did I say it was OK for you to get out of your chair?" He said, "Nah, sir, but listen, yeah?" "Sir, this is a serious, now.
" I said, "Listen, man, I don't care if it's 'a serious', yeah? "Just give me till break time and I'll do it.
" He said, "Nah, sir, you don't understand.
This is a serious now.
" I said, "Is anybody touching you?" You have to check that, innit? I'm an adult, you got to check that.
I said, "Is anybody touching you? "Because if they are, go tell someone else, "that's a lot of paperwork, man, I've already got this to do! "Tell the year head, he's not doing anything.
"In fact, here's some advice for you, son - run! "Anybody try touch you, just run away!" He said, "Nah, sir, listen, man, stop mugging man off and that, yeah, "this is a serious medical issue man's got now, yeah?" I said, "What is it?" He said, "Sir, yeah, I looked down this morning, yeah? "And I got a problem here.
" I said, "What? In your stomach region?" He said, "Nah, sir, I got a problem in my pinnis.
" I said, "You are not going to pass GCSE English "if you pronounce words like that, we need to work on this.
" He said, "Nah, sir, listen, stop mugging man off, yeah.
"Seriously, man, man's got a problem down here, innit? Down here.
" I said, "Well, what's wrong?" He said, "Sir, I woke up first thing in the morning, "I looked down there, yeah, and my ting has turned green.
" Now, Apollo, don't get me wrong, I was grossed out, but I was kind of interested as well.
"Green?!" "What the hell you been doing? Dipping it in mint tea? Why is it green?" I've got this going on and one of my girls jumps out of her chair.
"Sir, sir, listen, yeah, I shared a Cornetto with Craig "and now I'm pregnant, what shall I do?" I said "Whoa! Whoa! "That's not how that works, but can you give me "a minute, please, I'm over here trying to deal with something.
" She said, "Sir, you know what, now, I'm sick of you, yeah, you don't "ever give me the attention like you used to.
If you don't listen "to me right now, I'm going to start self-harming, sir.
I hate you, sir.
" I said, "Shush!" "Shush, please, OK? Just give me a minute.
"I'm over here trying to figure out what's wrong with Teenage Mutant Ninja Dick and YOU" ".
.
are stressing me out with your immaculate Cornetto conception story.
Go away!" I hate these kids! Let's, ugh Let's lighten the mood a little bit.
Let's talk about terrorism.
Terrorism Listen, one of my main issues with terrorism is simple, right.
It's got people that have known me my entire life doubting my credibility, all right? It's mad And I want to let you know, all right, you guys are a little bit worried at the moment.
I'll make it explicit for you.
I am not a member of Isis, all right? I'm not, OK? I've nothing to do with those people, I don't follow their ideology.
That's cos I've got six months left on my Al-Qaeda membership.
Where did they go? My gosh.
One of the worst things about terrorism is how it's got people doubting my credibility, people I've known my whole life, all right? I want to give you an example.
I've got a neighbour, OK? She's called Maud, she's known me for 27 years.
And because of the media narrative, the way that the media portrays Muslims, minorities, Black Lives Matter The world is very divisive, who in this room just wants to live and get along? Make some noise.
Exactly, we all want to, all right? But the media has got people doubting me, all right? So, I've had my neighbour 27 years, we've got a It's a nice, simple thing, it's a neighbourly thing to do, all right? A regular Friday wheelie bin ritual.
We grab the wheelie bin, drag it down to the end of the driveway, have a quick natter, go back in.
It's what neighbours do, innit? It's what neighbours do, all right? This particular Friday, Maud is like clockwork, but she was late.
And I'm thinking, "Is Maud OK? "I hope she's all right, usually she's like" The bin was stinking of shit but I thought, "You know what, I'm going to stay here, "I'm going to be a good neighbour and have this conversation.
" Three minutes later, boom! She kicks open the door, she's stressed, she's flustered.
I said, "Maud, is everything OK?" She says, "No! "No, Guz, everything is far from all right.
"Have you seen the news?" I'm like, "Listen, Maud, a lot of my cousins are on there, I don't watch that shit, you know that "It brings back a lot of bad memories for me, Maud.
" She says, "Guz, it's the Izis.
" I-Z-I, she's from Birmingham, that's how she spells it.
"It's the Izis.
"They've been doing terrible bloody terrorisms again, them lot.
" I was like, "Listen, that's bad, I don't agree with those people "and, you know, I hope they're brought to justice.
" She says, "You say that, Guzzy, yeah, but you've got to tell me something, babes.
"You're nothing like them, are you?" I said, "What? "Maud, you've known me 27 years, baby, I'm nothing like them, "stop buying into the media narrative, "stop buying into the news, I'm me, Guz, your neighbour.
" She says, "I know, I know you say that, it's just that from very specific angles" ".
.
it's a very Bin Laden look you've got going on there.
" I said, "Hey! I don't even look like that guy.
Very racist!" She says, "Guz, I know, I'm just being silly, I'm just being silly, "but you just do me one more favour, though, babes, OK? "It's just more for my Rod, really, yeah? "If you hear anything about it before the news does, just let me know.
" Live At The Apollo, what does Maud think is going on here? That all Muslims are in one WhatsApp group? Because, blud .
.
that's a very big WhatsApp group! That's 1.
8 billion participants, to be specific.
That's a lot of blue ticks to keep hold of.
"Imran, Imran are you there, bro?" "Which Imran am I addressing? "There's 33 million Imrans in the group!" Guys, I'm out.
My name's Guz Khan.
Thank you.
You lot need to I'm a confident guy, I'm a confident guy, you need to remember the name, guys, cos I'm going to blow up.
Not like that, you pricks.
Say Guz Khan, thank you! Guz Khan! Ladies and gentlemen, you have been an absolute delight, please give it up one more time for the two phenomenal acts we have seen.
Lucy Porter and Guz Khan! Thank you very much, Auf Wiedersehen.