Live at The Apollo (2004) s13e05 Episode Script
Dane Baptiste. Desiree Burch, Chris McCausland
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Dane Baptiste! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Apollo, how are you, guys, are you good? Oh! Thank you for coming, guys.
I am so happy to be here, my first time hosting the Apollo, guys.
It is an overwhelming opportunity.
Thank you, thank you very much, guys.
But, no, it's great, it's great to be able to earn a living from something that you love.
Cos it means that I'm no longer on JSA.
Three years ago I was unemployed, still on the dole.
Anyone here unemployed or been unemployed? You've been on the dole, that's right, you put those hands up with pride, don't you ever feel ashamed, madam, OK? That's right! And the rest of you employed people, you need to understand something.
Yes, some of us are unemployed, we're here, we're proud, get used to it.
And we don't like the term "unemployed," we prefer the term "capitalist intolerant.
" And, actually, I think you'll find the job centre is a wonderful, humble, social environment.
You get no judgement when you go to the job centre.
It's like being a pervert at your first orgy.
It is not a good, romantic environment, though.
If I can give you guys some advice, if you ever find yourself unemployed at the job centre, do not make eye contact with the women that work there.
Cos all you're saying to them is, "Hey baby, how you doing? "I have nothing but that's good enough for you.
" They don't like that, no, no, no.
No, things are going well, things are going pretty well.
Like, I'm not one to brag, guys, but right now you are looking at a young, black, hundred-aire.
That's right, guys.
Thank you.
Hundred, upon hundred.
Between my student loan and my taxes, I might make £300 this month, so things are going well.
But people keep saying to me stuff like, "Dane, invest, invest your money.
" I don't know anything about investments, I was unemployed three years ago.
My investments revolve around the Nike shoe box under my bed and sometimes I'll get drunk and put £20 in my jeans, then I'll find it again when it's time to wash them.
That's the closest I've ever been to laundering money, so I think the most motivational thing I ever heard when I wasn't making money was from my own mother when she said to me, "Hey, Dane?" and I said, "Yes, Mother?" "Do you remember when you was an account manager working in sales?" "Yes, Mother, I do.
" "I was proud of you then.
" It's fine, I love my mother, she's a great person, great motivator and she let me stay in her house rent-free when I was capitalist intolerant so she's a wonderful woman.
But it's great, man, it's great to be able to do this for a living now.
I get to travel.
I was in the States recently doing a gig just like this except there was a 14-year-old kid in the audience.
So, I tried to be mature and responsible and I said to him, "Hey, young man, you should listen to what I have to say.
Who knows, "you might learn something from these jokes.
" And he said, "I've got XBox Live "and free porn.
What the fuck can you teach me, old man?" So, I said, "Well, with your new president depleting "the Earth's natural resources, in a few years, you might be "sucking dick for fresh water so maybe you should listen.
" I don't take shit from kids! Sounds harsh but I don't take shit from kids.
Sorry, guys.
He did raise a valid point, though, cos we now live in the era of free pornography.
Anybody born in the '80s or earlier will realise how hard we worked to get free porn and now it's here.
However, now that I'm older and a bit more mature, I realise that can be very damaging cos it does sexualise teenage girls.
Cos you go on any sex website or to any sex shop, there's always a naughty cheerleader outfit, or the naughty schoolgirl outfit.
Why are we always sexualising the image of teenage girls? Women never do that with teenage boys.
I don't think any woman in here's ever turned to her partner and gone, "Hey, baby, can we do some role play?" "Sure, baby, what are you into?" "OK, can you put on some stained boxer shorts "and an old football top? "Go upstairs and leave a pizza under the bed for, like, a week "and then I'll come upstairs with a basket of laundry and tell you to "lock up your mountain bike and ask about your revision for your mock "exams and then you tell me to do one cos you're playing Call of Duty.
"I would love that.
Oh, my God!" And the guy's like, "Yeah, I can dig it, baby.
"Then, afterwards, you can buy me some Clearasil "and we'll go for a cheeky Nando's.
" "Oh, yes, mm!" No woman is doing that.
But they say that porn can influence a lot of young men cos they had a recent survey and it said a lot of young men now aspire to be pizza delivery boys.
See, I like this bit, because we're going to separate the room between people that know what I'm talking about and the liars here with their girlfriends.
It's fine, guys, I'll take the bullet for you.
So, in this kind of scene, a guy will show up and he'll say something porny like, "Here is your pizza, madam, "it's got all the toppings you need, it's piping hot and round.
" And she'll be like, "Oh, my God, I didn't bring any money to pay "for that pizza in this thong, whatever should I do?" "Oh, that's OK, baby, I bought a sausage to stuff your crust.
" "Oh, really? But I asked for a 12 inch.
" "I got your 12 inch right here, baby.
It's a deep pan.
" I just don't think that's very aspirational for young men.
I think it's about time we held these porn producers to the same account as hip-hop artists and encourage them to make more aspirational porn.
Like, I, for one, would like to see maybe a porn accountant.
Let me set the scene.
So, he's in the office doing an audit for a rich spinster.
She's very successful.
Then he'll turn to her and say something like, "Madam, I've checked the figures "and I'm afraid your account is in the red.
" "Oh, my God, that's terrible! "How do you suppose I get back into the black?" I feel like you guys know how that ends.
Cool.
And I know it's a risk to go into porn material the first time I'm hosting Live At The Apollo, but I took a risk, guys.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.
I don't think we should be in a time where, as a man, you cannot express your desire for women.
So, here's a newsflash, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm a straight man that finds women sexy and sometimes I want to have sex with them but, as a man, I realise that being with a woman is a privilege and not a right, and that's the difference.
It's like a great philosopher once said in ancient times, "I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
" Right, that's what you need to ask yourself.
Am I looking at a woman's bum? Or am I comfortable with her leading the way economically, politically and socially? She's twerking for a better tomorrow and I fully support that.
You know, that's what I'm saying.
I'm just saying it's not as straightforward as being a perv cos you enjoy the female form.
It's not as black and white as that, there's a spectrum.
There's a pervert spectrum .
.
and I'm on the spectrum.
And if at one you have, like, virgin, and ten is trench coat in the buses with lotion .
.
then I would say I'm like a three.
Now, yes, guys, sometimes I watch porn but I don't leave comments.
It's just a line you don't cross, that's all I'm saying.
I do get concerned about the message that we send, you know, young women a lot on TV and, you know, in the media.
Because right now we live at the height of materialism where it's suggested to young girls especially that you can indulge the most depraved man as long as he's rich.
This is evidenced by the franchise Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Has everybody here seen Fifty Shades Of Grey or read it? OK, some of you are shaking your heads.
Fine.
I will give you a quick plot summary of Fifty Shades of Grey.
I will be paraphrasing in this monologue, by the way.
Is everybody ready? Here is Fifty Shades of Grey, abridged by Dane Baptiste.
"Hi, I'm a pretty, naive, American young girl "who doesn't know about sex, "even though I have access to the internet and my friend's a journalist.
" "Mr Grey, you seem so mysterious and rich.
Can I interview you?" "That's right, baby, I am mysterious, and I'm rich as hell.
"Can I put a pineapple in your ass?" I mean, some other stuff happens, but that's pretty much it.
Unfortunately, we live in a time where, you know, materialism's encouraged, you know.
Do you guys remember the song, No Scrubs by TLC? Yeah.
Great song for the ladies.
Not so fun for the unemployed male.
That was not a fun song to hear when I was younger.
I remember how that song used to go.
# If you live at home with your mama Oh, yes, son I'm talking to you.
If you live at home with your mother, they're talking to you.
What if I'm a full-time carer? I'm supposed to leave my mother lumbered with bedroom tax, then go and live with a bunch of strangers and pay somebody else's mortgage, then have those strangers question my life choices, which my mother already does, but I get rice and peas when she does it.
# Sitting in the passenger side of his best friend's ride Trying to holler at me.
Sitting in the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at me.
I'm sorry, if me and my friends are concerned about our carbon footprint .
.
I'm not entitled to find love? # If you don't have a car and you're walking Oh, yes, son I'm talking to you.
If you don't have a car and you're walking, they're talking to you.
So we're supposed to leave our houses in four separate cars, knowing full well petrol prices are at £1.
25 per litre in some stations?! Then if you go into London, you're paying a congestion charge four times.
If you're going out of London, you're paying a toll charge four times.
Then whenever we get where we're going, then you got to pay a parking charge four times.
And if we're all driving, then guess what we can't do? We can't drink.
Cos when you all take separate cars, there's no designated driver, TLC.
Which means when we finally do get to the club because of all the traffic, cos there's four cars adding to that traffic .
.
we got to drink water and sparkling water, then pay club prices for a fruit juice.
So I'm paying £7.
25 for a cranberry juice and we've been planning this night for months, TLC! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? This next act I'm introducing to the stage, I've worked with her a number of times, she is amazing.
An international act for your viewing and listening pleasure.
Guys, please show your love and welcome to the stage, Desiree Burch.
Yes! I'm excited as you are! Yes! How are you guys doing? Beautiful! I am a big woman, and I am going to talk about it, and I warn you guys that in advance because everyone's, like, assholes just start shutting down as soon as And it's a crazy thing because, like, you know, I'm American, right, I'm a comedian.
If I just came out here as a guy comedian, I could be, like, "I'm a big, fat funny fuck.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" And I would have an HBO special for that alone.
Like, I'd be a millionaire, you know, I'd have a game show.
But if you're a fat woman who talks about her body at all, everyone's, like, "Ooo! She's going to go home and cut herself.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Like, seriously, it's fine, all right? I have had all the good times in this body.
I've had some of your good times in this body.
Do not worry about me, all right? But I think, you know, we do make assumptions, like, people come up to me and assume that I'm friendly and helpful.
Fat people hate your skinny asses, OK? Like, we would punch you all in your skinny-ass mouths if we weren't too fat to run away immediately afterwards.
It's the only thing protecting any of you guys.
You know, whether you think you're way worse than everyone else or way better than everyone else, you still think you're different to anybody else? Like, we're all pretty much, like, the same asshole with seven different versions of a face, right? We know that, right? So you're not better or worse, but, like, typically in our society, women tend to think that they're way worse than they are and guys tend to think they're way better than they are.
Like Matrix, like, "Whoa, that's a lot of ego, bro".
You know, and you can tell when they're chatting you up because they're always talking to you about all these things that they have.
They're, like, "Oh, yeah, you know, I can totally get us tickets to that Kanye show.
"I used to know his manager".
And, like, "Yeah, I got a new Audi 5.
"I got a time-share.
You should come up.
" And the more and more he's talking to you about all these things he can do for you, the smaller and smaller his dick gets in your imagination, right? It's like this reverse Pinocchio where it's, like, every time he tells a lie, just You know? You know? Oh! To the point at which you're, like, "Dude, this guy has got, like, four inches of dick, max, "if you measure from the asshole".
Which you know he does.
You know he does.
Got to get them tape millimetres, you know.
Jeez, it's ridiculous! So as you guys can probably see, I'm a big woman, I'm a black woman, I attract a lot of fetishy men in my life.
Like, just little, tiny, fetishy guys.
And if there's any woman in here who's, like, 5'10" or taller - like, I'm 5'11", like, 6'1" with the hair, you know, 6'8" with the ego, right? I'm a tall human being.
And so, any tall woman here knows that whenever you go out, it is always the shortest guy in the world who is trying to talk to you, right? You, like, see this tiny man walk into the bar and he's just like, "I got to climb the biggest bitch in this room.
Where is she?" "Ahoy! Yo-ho, yo-ho! I win!" Like, I don't know why he's got to mount you, but, like, he just sees you and he's, like, "I got to achieve that".
The thing is, like, short guys are cool, they're usually, like, funny and charming and gregarious, cos they got to be, um And, like, I mean, I definitely will go home with a short dude, you know, like, they're hot, right? I just can't date them during daylight hours.
No, I mean, like, you know, I tend to date a lot of white dudes and the problem is, I can't walk down the street holding a short, white dude's hand cos I'm going to look like his Jamaican nanny picking him up from day-care.
It's, like, literally, the guy who is into me is about 5'6" max, right? Eyes right on the prize right here.
He always has that same look, like, he's got a bald head, he's wearing a turtle neck, he's got a goatee.
You know, that look that says, "I can't get any pussy, I got to grow one on my face".
Just licks his lips a lot when he looks at you, like, "Oh, you're such a goddess.
Oh!" You're, like, "Get more gin and tonic".
Right? It's just like it's a matter of, like, shooting enough elephant darts of vodka into me before I'm, like, "OK, fine".
Oh, my goodness! But it's fine, I'm here, I'm in a relationship, I don't have to do any of that shit no more.
It's great.
Now, I will say this, the best thing about being in a relationship, cos I spent a lot of time, most of my adult life, not in one.
And now I'm in one and I'm, like, "OK, give and take, all things are good".
The best thing about it is that I never have to hear this question any more.
And I know, I used to teach and we often say, "There's no such thing as a stupid question, you guys".
But there is.
And that question is, "Uuuuuuh! Did you come?" "Did you come? Ah! Did you come?" Cos the thing is, every time you ask that question, you kind of already know the answer to that question, don't you? Don't you? Yes, you do.
What you're trying to say is, "Are you done? Cos I would love it if you were done right now.
"I would really like to be done.
"I have a leg cramp.
Are you done? "My fingers are worn down to a nubbin.
Are you done?" And I appreciate that.
Thank you.
I totally get that, guys.
Like, you do a lot of work.
It does not go unrecognised, gentlemen, especially in the bedroom.
You do a lot of work, OK? Especially if you're with me, cos I'm literally like, "Erno, I brought the vagina, you do the work.
"I'm sorry, I make 70 cents on your dollar? "Oh, no, you're going to do this work.
All right? "I've been protecting this thing all day, OK? "From dogs and predators and bears, all right? "You go, you!" You know? So, like, I appreciate you're going to do a lot of that work.
It's, you know, not lost on me.
But I think that there's a lot of undue mystery built around the female orgasm.
Like, every woman is different, it's such a mystery.
It's, like, it's not a mystery.
We can do that shit in three minutes.
It's called plugging into the mains, right? OK? Figure it out.
But I feel like unfortunately, there's been a lot of unhelpful propaganda about the female orgasm that has not helped anyone get there, right? Cos the thing is, even if you've never seen anything dirty in your life, right, we've all, in this room, seen at least one female orgasm in common.
And it's that Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally thing, right? Where she's in the cafe, acting her little head off, you know? She's, like, "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" That is not it! All right? That is the cheerleading that we do to let you know, "Keep doing this shit you're doing right here, dude! "Yeah, not that dumb shit you were doing two minutes ago.
"With the nipples.
What is this? "I can't What is this? I can't use this.
"That'sthat's for you.
"Yeah, like, every time you suck on my titty, "I just think about what our kids would look like, cos you're, like" "That is for you, all right? "Keep doing this, right here.
"Only this thing.
Do not improv right now, OK? "Just keep doing this one thing for the next five to seven, "I don't know how many minutes, OK? "But you are going to know because, "Ah! Ah! Ah!" "is going to turn into, "AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! Don't you stop! "AHH! Boom!" Yes! Did I come? You're going to know when I come, all right? You're going to have PTSD when I come.
You guys have been so lovely.
My name is Desiree Burch.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
Desiree Burch, ladies and gentlemen! All right.
It gives me pleasure to introduce our next act.
He's an amazing guy.
You're going to love him as much as I do.
Please give all of your love to Chris McCausland.
Wow, ladies and gentlemen, Hammersmith Apollo! My name is Chris.
I am blind.
Which Look, it's going to be just like watching any other comedian, except if any of you guys down the front here do need a piss, you can just go.
I'm from Liverpool.
Oh, yeah.
I live in South West London now with my wife and a dog, which is brilliant.
I love having a dog.
I didn't realise I was such a dog person until we got the dog.
And just between you and me.
sometimes having a dog - a little bit better than having a wife.
I mean, obviously, I don't have sex with the dog, so that's the same.
We got a little daughter at home, as well, which maybe I should have told you about before the dog, in the order of priorities .
.
of stuff that's happened in my life, but, you know, it's a good dog, innit? My wife, she is not of these parts.
She's from Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.
Oh, yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? No, I'm joking, I'm joking.
I'm a very, very lucky man.
She's a good-looking girl, so she tells me.
You've got to have trust in a marriage, haven't you? She wanted me to go to Rio with her for Christmas, see where she grew up.
That's not the joke.
Turns out, Rio at Christmas, that's their summer, innit? That's the Brazilian summer, So I just asked her, didn't I? I said, "How hot do you reckon it'll be in Rio at Christmas?" She told me like it was the most casual thing in the world, like she's telling me the time, and she went, "Oh, I don't know, 40-45 degrees?" I said, "Piss off! That's like gas mark five!" I said, "Look at me, I can't go there, I will die".
Anyway, we compromised, and I went.
That's how marriage works, apparently.
These aren't real trousers.
It's difficult sometimes, marriage, isn't it, you know? Jesus was married.
That seems to be quite a popular theory these days.
I think that would explain a lot, wouldn't it, if Jesus had a wife? Explain the 40 days in the wilderness, for a start .
.
and the faking his own death.
It's 12 hours to Rio.
6,000 miles.
It's a long way.
We landed.
I'm not going to exaggerate, it's 35 degrees.
I even said to me wife, "It's not as hot as I thought it was going to be.
"Little bit hotter than I'd like at home during the summer, "if I was given the choice, but, bollocks, I'm on holiday, you make an effort, don't you?" She said, "It's midnight".
This was the leftover heat they had kicking around the place.
This was spare heat they did not need any more.
The next day, when the sun came up, it was 49 degrees.
At Christmas.
49 degrees.
Even the locals were moaning about it.
I thought, "What chance has a Scouser got "if the Brazilian people are struggling?" I've had sunstroke at the Reading Festival.
People ask me, they say, "Chris, what is it like "trying to raise a child when you can't see the child?" It's ups and downs, you know, ups and downs.
You just got to go with the flow.
Can't prepare yourself, you know.
She's three and a half now.
When she was two and a half If you haven't got kids, as soon as they get to two, they're adorable.
They just start asking questions, they want to know what everything is.
You are their source of information.
They want to absorb the world.
My daughter, she's two and a half, she's in the bath, I'm knelt down, I'm bathing her, she's like, "Whatwhatwhat's this, Daddy? What's this, Daddy?" "I don't bloody know, do I? Give it here.
" "You might be two and a half, "but you know way more than Daddy at this point, sweetheart".
"What's this, Daddy? Ice cream?" I was like, "Ice cream?" Big handful of shit, wasn't it? Massive.
Not like a little pebble, not like a little, "Oh, sweetness, where did that?" An impressive quantity for an adult male.
I wasn't sure the dog hadn't jumped in and done it when me back was turned and she'd just scooped it out.
She just slapped it in there in one go.
It threw me.
I didn't Look, right, I obviously didn't see it coming.
I didn't even No, no.
I didn't even smell it coming.
This came from underwater.
This was a stealth move, right? And I'm not entirely sure exactly what happened, you know? I've narrowed it down to two options, I think.
I've given it some thought.
She was two and a half, let's give her the benefit of the doubt.
She deserves the benefit of the doubt, doesn't she? Option one, benefit of the doubt.
This is what happened.
She sat in the bath, in the warm water, she farts, she shits herself.
She doesn't know she's done that.
Few minutes later, that goes floating past her in the bath.
She sees it there, she thinks to herself, "I wonder what the bloody hell that is.
" "That looks a little bit like ice cream.
" "I know", she thinks, "I'll ask Daddy about that.
"He knows about these things.
He's a very, very clever man.
" That's option one, isn't it? Benefit of the doubt.
Option two, she's a bloody comedy genius.
She's sat there in the bath, she's got Mr Penguin up here on the wall, she's going, "Mr Penguin, Mr Penguin, get on this now.
"This is going to be brilliant.
This is going to be amazing.
"Watch his face now, watch his face, watch.
"Keep looking, keep looking.
What am I going to do? "Not only am I going to do a shit and put it in his hand, "I bet you I can make him sniff it".
Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what? I've just turned 40.
What a way to start a decade.
Thank you so much, guys.
Cheers.
Thank you! Cheers! Thank you! Chris McCausland! How good is he? Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.
You saw Desiree Burch.
And Chris McCausland.
I've been Dane Baptiste, you've been an amazing audience.
Good night!
Apollo, how are you, guys, are you good? Oh! Thank you for coming, guys.
I am so happy to be here, my first time hosting the Apollo, guys.
It is an overwhelming opportunity.
Thank you, thank you very much, guys.
But, no, it's great, it's great to be able to earn a living from something that you love.
Cos it means that I'm no longer on JSA.
Three years ago I was unemployed, still on the dole.
Anyone here unemployed or been unemployed? You've been on the dole, that's right, you put those hands up with pride, don't you ever feel ashamed, madam, OK? That's right! And the rest of you employed people, you need to understand something.
Yes, some of us are unemployed, we're here, we're proud, get used to it.
And we don't like the term "unemployed," we prefer the term "capitalist intolerant.
" And, actually, I think you'll find the job centre is a wonderful, humble, social environment.
You get no judgement when you go to the job centre.
It's like being a pervert at your first orgy.
It is not a good, romantic environment, though.
If I can give you guys some advice, if you ever find yourself unemployed at the job centre, do not make eye contact with the women that work there.
Cos all you're saying to them is, "Hey baby, how you doing? "I have nothing but that's good enough for you.
" They don't like that, no, no, no.
No, things are going well, things are going pretty well.
Like, I'm not one to brag, guys, but right now you are looking at a young, black, hundred-aire.
That's right, guys.
Thank you.
Hundred, upon hundred.
Between my student loan and my taxes, I might make £300 this month, so things are going well.
But people keep saying to me stuff like, "Dane, invest, invest your money.
" I don't know anything about investments, I was unemployed three years ago.
My investments revolve around the Nike shoe box under my bed and sometimes I'll get drunk and put £20 in my jeans, then I'll find it again when it's time to wash them.
That's the closest I've ever been to laundering money, so I think the most motivational thing I ever heard when I wasn't making money was from my own mother when she said to me, "Hey, Dane?" and I said, "Yes, Mother?" "Do you remember when you was an account manager working in sales?" "Yes, Mother, I do.
" "I was proud of you then.
" It's fine, I love my mother, she's a great person, great motivator and she let me stay in her house rent-free when I was capitalist intolerant so she's a wonderful woman.
But it's great, man, it's great to be able to do this for a living now.
I get to travel.
I was in the States recently doing a gig just like this except there was a 14-year-old kid in the audience.
So, I tried to be mature and responsible and I said to him, "Hey, young man, you should listen to what I have to say.
Who knows, "you might learn something from these jokes.
" And he said, "I've got XBox Live "and free porn.
What the fuck can you teach me, old man?" So, I said, "Well, with your new president depleting "the Earth's natural resources, in a few years, you might be "sucking dick for fresh water so maybe you should listen.
" I don't take shit from kids! Sounds harsh but I don't take shit from kids.
Sorry, guys.
He did raise a valid point, though, cos we now live in the era of free pornography.
Anybody born in the '80s or earlier will realise how hard we worked to get free porn and now it's here.
However, now that I'm older and a bit more mature, I realise that can be very damaging cos it does sexualise teenage girls.
Cos you go on any sex website or to any sex shop, there's always a naughty cheerleader outfit, or the naughty schoolgirl outfit.
Why are we always sexualising the image of teenage girls? Women never do that with teenage boys.
I don't think any woman in here's ever turned to her partner and gone, "Hey, baby, can we do some role play?" "Sure, baby, what are you into?" "OK, can you put on some stained boxer shorts "and an old football top? "Go upstairs and leave a pizza under the bed for, like, a week "and then I'll come upstairs with a basket of laundry and tell you to "lock up your mountain bike and ask about your revision for your mock "exams and then you tell me to do one cos you're playing Call of Duty.
"I would love that.
Oh, my God!" And the guy's like, "Yeah, I can dig it, baby.
"Then, afterwards, you can buy me some Clearasil "and we'll go for a cheeky Nando's.
" "Oh, yes, mm!" No woman is doing that.
But they say that porn can influence a lot of young men cos they had a recent survey and it said a lot of young men now aspire to be pizza delivery boys.
See, I like this bit, because we're going to separate the room between people that know what I'm talking about and the liars here with their girlfriends.
It's fine, guys, I'll take the bullet for you.
So, in this kind of scene, a guy will show up and he'll say something porny like, "Here is your pizza, madam, "it's got all the toppings you need, it's piping hot and round.
" And she'll be like, "Oh, my God, I didn't bring any money to pay "for that pizza in this thong, whatever should I do?" "Oh, that's OK, baby, I bought a sausage to stuff your crust.
" "Oh, really? But I asked for a 12 inch.
" "I got your 12 inch right here, baby.
It's a deep pan.
" I just don't think that's very aspirational for young men.
I think it's about time we held these porn producers to the same account as hip-hop artists and encourage them to make more aspirational porn.
Like, I, for one, would like to see maybe a porn accountant.
Let me set the scene.
So, he's in the office doing an audit for a rich spinster.
She's very successful.
Then he'll turn to her and say something like, "Madam, I've checked the figures "and I'm afraid your account is in the red.
" "Oh, my God, that's terrible! "How do you suppose I get back into the black?" I feel like you guys know how that ends.
Cool.
And I know it's a risk to go into porn material the first time I'm hosting Live At The Apollo, but I took a risk, guys.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.
I don't think we should be in a time where, as a man, you cannot express your desire for women.
So, here's a newsflash, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm a straight man that finds women sexy and sometimes I want to have sex with them but, as a man, I realise that being with a woman is a privilege and not a right, and that's the difference.
It's like a great philosopher once said in ancient times, "I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
" Right, that's what you need to ask yourself.
Am I looking at a woman's bum? Or am I comfortable with her leading the way economically, politically and socially? She's twerking for a better tomorrow and I fully support that.
You know, that's what I'm saying.
I'm just saying it's not as straightforward as being a perv cos you enjoy the female form.
It's not as black and white as that, there's a spectrum.
There's a pervert spectrum .
.
and I'm on the spectrum.
And if at one you have, like, virgin, and ten is trench coat in the buses with lotion .
.
then I would say I'm like a three.
Now, yes, guys, sometimes I watch porn but I don't leave comments.
It's just a line you don't cross, that's all I'm saying.
I do get concerned about the message that we send, you know, young women a lot on TV and, you know, in the media.
Because right now we live at the height of materialism where it's suggested to young girls especially that you can indulge the most depraved man as long as he's rich.
This is evidenced by the franchise Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Has everybody here seen Fifty Shades Of Grey or read it? OK, some of you are shaking your heads.
Fine.
I will give you a quick plot summary of Fifty Shades of Grey.
I will be paraphrasing in this monologue, by the way.
Is everybody ready? Here is Fifty Shades of Grey, abridged by Dane Baptiste.
"Hi, I'm a pretty, naive, American young girl "who doesn't know about sex, "even though I have access to the internet and my friend's a journalist.
" "Mr Grey, you seem so mysterious and rich.
Can I interview you?" "That's right, baby, I am mysterious, and I'm rich as hell.
"Can I put a pineapple in your ass?" I mean, some other stuff happens, but that's pretty much it.
Unfortunately, we live in a time where, you know, materialism's encouraged, you know.
Do you guys remember the song, No Scrubs by TLC? Yeah.
Great song for the ladies.
Not so fun for the unemployed male.
That was not a fun song to hear when I was younger.
I remember how that song used to go.
# If you live at home with your mama Oh, yes, son I'm talking to you.
If you live at home with your mother, they're talking to you.
What if I'm a full-time carer? I'm supposed to leave my mother lumbered with bedroom tax, then go and live with a bunch of strangers and pay somebody else's mortgage, then have those strangers question my life choices, which my mother already does, but I get rice and peas when she does it.
# Sitting in the passenger side of his best friend's ride Trying to holler at me.
Sitting in the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at me.
I'm sorry, if me and my friends are concerned about our carbon footprint .
.
I'm not entitled to find love? # If you don't have a car and you're walking Oh, yes, son I'm talking to you.
If you don't have a car and you're walking, they're talking to you.
So we're supposed to leave our houses in four separate cars, knowing full well petrol prices are at £1.
25 per litre in some stations?! Then if you go into London, you're paying a congestion charge four times.
If you're going out of London, you're paying a toll charge four times.
Then whenever we get where we're going, then you got to pay a parking charge four times.
And if we're all driving, then guess what we can't do? We can't drink.
Cos when you all take separate cars, there's no designated driver, TLC.
Which means when we finally do get to the club because of all the traffic, cos there's four cars adding to that traffic .
.
we got to drink water and sparkling water, then pay club prices for a fruit juice.
So I'm paying £7.
25 for a cranberry juice and we've been planning this night for months, TLC! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? This next act I'm introducing to the stage, I've worked with her a number of times, she is amazing.
An international act for your viewing and listening pleasure.
Guys, please show your love and welcome to the stage, Desiree Burch.
Yes! I'm excited as you are! Yes! How are you guys doing? Beautiful! I am a big woman, and I am going to talk about it, and I warn you guys that in advance because everyone's, like, assholes just start shutting down as soon as And it's a crazy thing because, like, you know, I'm American, right, I'm a comedian.
If I just came out here as a guy comedian, I could be, like, "I'm a big, fat funny fuck.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" And I would have an HBO special for that alone.
Like, I'd be a millionaire, you know, I'd have a game show.
But if you're a fat woman who talks about her body at all, everyone's, like, "Ooo! She's going to go home and cut herself.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Like, seriously, it's fine, all right? I have had all the good times in this body.
I've had some of your good times in this body.
Do not worry about me, all right? But I think, you know, we do make assumptions, like, people come up to me and assume that I'm friendly and helpful.
Fat people hate your skinny asses, OK? Like, we would punch you all in your skinny-ass mouths if we weren't too fat to run away immediately afterwards.
It's the only thing protecting any of you guys.
You know, whether you think you're way worse than everyone else or way better than everyone else, you still think you're different to anybody else? Like, we're all pretty much, like, the same asshole with seven different versions of a face, right? We know that, right? So you're not better or worse, but, like, typically in our society, women tend to think that they're way worse than they are and guys tend to think they're way better than they are.
Like Matrix, like, "Whoa, that's a lot of ego, bro".
You know, and you can tell when they're chatting you up because they're always talking to you about all these things that they have.
They're, like, "Oh, yeah, you know, I can totally get us tickets to that Kanye show.
"I used to know his manager".
And, like, "Yeah, I got a new Audi 5.
"I got a time-share.
You should come up.
" And the more and more he's talking to you about all these things he can do for you, the smaller and smaller his dick gets in your imagination, right? It's like this reverse Pinocchio where it's, like, every time he tells a lie, just You know? You know? Oh! To the point at which you're, like, "Dude, this guy has got, like, four inches of dick, max, "if you measure from the asshole".
Which you know he does.
You know he does.
Got to get them tape millimetres, you know.
Jeez, it's ridiculous! So as you guys can probably see, I'm a big woman, I'm a black woman, I attract a lot of fetishy men in my life.
Like, just little, tiny, fetishy guys.
And if there's any woman in here who's, like, 5'10" or taller - like, I'm 5'11", like, 6'1" with the hair, you know, 6'8" with the ego, right? I'm a tall human being.
And so, any tall woman here knows that whenever you go out, it is always the shortest guy in the world who is trying to talk to you, right? You, like, see this tiny man walk into the bar and he's just like, "I got to climb the biggest bitch in this room.
Where is she?" "Ahoy! Yo-ho, yo-ho! I win!" Like, I don't know why he's got to mount you, but, like, he just sees you and he's, like, "I got to achieve that".
The thing is, like, short guys are cool, they're usually, like, funny and charming and gregarious, cos they got to be, um And, like, I mean, I definitely will go home with a short dude, you know, like, they're hot, right? I just can't date them during daylight hours.
No, I mean, like, you know, I tend to date a lot of white dudes and the problem is, I can't walk down the street holding a short, white dude's hand cos I'm going to look like his Jamaican nanny picking him up from day-care.
It's, like, literally, the guy who is into me is about 5'6" max, right? Eyes right on the prize right here.
He always has that same look, like, he's got a bald head, he's wearing a turtle neck, he's got a goatee.
You know, that look that says, "I can't get any pussy, I got to grow one on my face".
Just licks his lips a lot when he looks at you, like, "Oh, you're such a goddess.
Oh!" You're, like, "Get more gin and tonic".
Right? It's just like it's a matter of, like, shooting enough elephant darts of vodka into me before I'm, like, "OK, fine".
Oh, my goodness! But it's fine, I'm here, I'm in a relationship, I don't have to do any of that shit no more.
It's great.
Now, I will say this, the best thing about being in a relationship, cos I spent a lot of time, most of my adult life, not in one.
And now I'm in one and I'm, like, "OK, give and take, all things are good".
The best thing about it is that I never have to hear this question any more.
And I know, I used to teach and we often say, "There's no such thing as a stupid question, you guys".
But there is.
And that question is, "Uuuuuuh! Did you come?" "Did you come? Ah! Did you come?" Cos the thing is, every time you ask that question, you kind of already know the answer to that question, don't you? Don't you? Yes, you do.
What you're trying to say is, "Are you done? Cos I would love it if you were done right now.
"I would really like to be done.
"I have a leg cramp.
Are you done? "My fingers are worn down to a nubbin.
Are you done?" And I appreciate that.
Thank you.
I totally get that, guys.
Like, you do a lot of work.
It does not go unrecognised, gentlemen, especially in the bedroom.
You do a lot of work, OK? Especially if you're with me, cos I'm literally like, "Erno, I brought the vagina, you do the work.
"I'm sorry, I make 70 cents on your dollar? "Oh, no, you're going to do this work.
All right? "I've been protecting this thing all day, OK? "From dogs and predators and bears, all right? "You go, you!" You know? So, like, I appreciate you're going to do a lot of that work.
It's, you know, not lost on me.
But I think that there's a lot of undue mystery built around the female orgasm.
Like, every woman is different, it's such a mystery.
It's, like, it's not a mystery.
We can do that shit in three minutes.
It's called plugging into the mains, right? OK? Figure it out.
But I feel like unfortunately, there's been a lot of unhelpful propaganda about the female orgasm that has not helped anyone get there, right? Cos the thing is, even if you've never seen anything dirty in your life, right, we've all, in this room, seen at least one female orgasm in common.
And it's that Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally thing, right? Where she's in the cafe, acting her little head off, you know? She's, like, "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" That is not it! All right? That is the cheerleading that we do to let you know, "Keep doing this shit you're doing right here, dude! "Yeah, not that dumb shit you were doing two minutes ago.
"With the nipples.
What is this? "I can't What is this? I can't use this.
"That'sthat's for you.
"Yeah, like, every time you suck on my titty, "I just think about what our kids would look like, cos you're, like" "That is for you, all right? "Keep doing this, right here.
"Only this thing.
Do not improv right now, OK? "Just keep doing this one thing for the next five to seven, "I don't know how many minutes, OK? "But you are going to know because, "Ah! Ah! Ah!" "is going to turn into, "AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! Don't you stop! "AHH! Boom!" Yes! Did I come? You're going to know when I come, all right? You're going to have PTSD when I come.
You guys have been so lovely.
My name is Desiree Burch.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
Desiree Burch, ladies and gentlemen! All right.
It gives me pleasure to introduce our next act.
He's an amazing guy.
You're going to love him as much as I do.
Please give all of your love to Chris McCausland.
Wow, ladies and gentlemen, Hammersmith Apollo! My name is Chris.
I am blind.
Which Look, it's going to be just like watching any other comedian, except if any of you guys down the front here do need a piss, you can just go.
I'm from Liverpool.
Oh, yeah.
I live in South West London now with my wife and a dog, which is brilliant.
I love having a dog.
I didn't realise I was such a dog person until we got the dog.
And just between you and me.
sometimes having a dog - a little bit better than having a wife.
I mean, obviously, I don't have sex with the dog, so that's the same.
We got a little daughter at home, as well, which maybe I should have told you about before the dog, in the order of priorities .
.
of stuff that's happened in my life, but, you know, it's a good dog, innit? My wife, she is not of these parts.
She's from Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.
Oh, yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? No, I'm joking, I'm joking.
I'm a very, very lucky man.
She's a good-looking girl, so she tells me.
You've got to have trust in a marriage, haven't you? She wanted me to go to Rio with her for Christmas, see where she grew up.
That's not the joke.
Turns out, Rio at Christmas, that's their summer, innit? That's the Brazilian summer, So I just asked her, didn't I? I said, "How hot do you reckon it'll be in Rio at Christmas?" She told me like it was the most casual thing in the world, like she's telling me the time, and she went, "Oh, I don't know, 40-45 degrees?" I said, "Piss off! That's like gas mark five!" I said, "Look at me, I can't go there, I will die".
Anyway, we compromised, and I went.
That's how marriage works, apparently.
These aren't real trousers.
It's difficult sometimes, marriage, isn't it, you know? Jesus was married.
That seems to be quite a popular theory these days.
I think that would explain a lot, wouldn't it, if Jesus had a wife? Explain the 40 days in the wilderness, for a start .
.
and the faking his own death.
It's 12 hours to Rio.
6,000 miles.
It's a long way.
We landed.
I'm not going to exaggerate, it's 35 degrees.
I even said to me wife, "It's not as hot as I thought it was going to be.
"Little bit hotter than I'd like at home during the summer, "if I was given the choice, but, bollocks, I'm on holiday, you make an effort, don't you?" She said, "It's midnight".
This was the leftover heat they had kicking around the place.
This was spare heat they did not need any more.
The next day, when the sun came up, it was 49 degrees.
At Christmas.
49 degrees.
Even the locals were moaning about it.
I thought, "What chance has a Scouser got "if the Brazilian people are struggling?" I've had sunstroke at the Reading Festival.
People ask me, they say, "Chris, what is it like "trying to raise a child when you can't see the child?" It's ups and downs, you know, ups and downs.
You just got to go with the flow.
Can't prepare yourself, you know.
She's three and a half now.
When she was two and a half If you haven't got kids, as soon as they get to two, they're adorable.
They just start asking questions, they want to know what everything is.
You are their source of information.
They want to absorb the world.
My daughter, she's two and a half, she's in the bath, I'm knelt down, I'm bathing her, she's like, "Whatwhatwhat's this, Daddy? What's this, Daddy?" "I don't bloody know, do I? Give it here.
" "You might be two and a half, "but you know way more than Daddy at this point, sweetheart".
"What's this, Daddy? Ice cream?" I was like, "Ice cream?" Big handful of shit, wasn't it? Massive.
Not like a little pebble, not like a little, "Oh, sweetness, where did that?" An impressive quantity for an adult male.
I wasn't sure the dog hadn't jumped in and done it when me back was turned and she'd just scooped it out.
She just slapped it in there in one go.
It threw me.
I didn't Look, right, I obviously didn't see it coming.
I didn't even No, no.
I didn't even smell it coming.
This came from underwater.
This was a stealth move, right? And I'm not entirely sure exactly what happened, you know? I've narrowed it down to two options, I think.
I've given it some thought.
She was two and a half, let's give her the benefit of the doubt.
She deserves the benefit of the doubt, doesn't she? Option one, benefit of the doubt.
This is what happened.
She sat in the bath, in the warm water, she farts, she shits herself.
She doesn't know she's done that.
Few minutes later, that goes floating past her in the bath.
She sees it there, she thinks to herself, "I wonder what the bloody hell that is.
" "That looks a little bit like ice cream.
" "I know", she thinks, "I'll ask Daddy about that.
"He knows about these things.
He's a very, very clever man.
" That's option one, isn't it? Benefit of the doubt.
Option two, she's a bloody comedy genius.
She's sat there in the bath, she's got Mr Penguin up here on the wall, she's going, "Mr Penguin, Mr Penguin, get on this now.
"This is going to be brilliant.
This is going to be amazing.
"Watch his face now, watch his face, watch.
"Keep looking, keep looking.
What am I going to do? "Not only am I going to do a shit and put it in his hand, "I bet you I can make him sniff it".
Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what? I've just turned 40.
What a way to start a decade.
Thank you so much, guys.
Cheers.
Thank you! Cheers! Thank you! Chris McCausland! How good is he? Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.
You saw Desiree Burch.
And Chris McCausland.
I've been Dane Baptiste, you've been an amazing audience.
Good night!