Live at The Apollo (2004) s14e06 Episode Script

Jamali Maddix, Sindhu Vee, Fern Brady

1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jamali Maddix! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yo! Hammersmith Apollo, what is up? Shit is about to get real, son! Everyone good? CHEERING Happy to be here.
This is a nice show.
That's why I like doing shows like this, cos I do some terrible shows.
I'm telling you, I've done this one show, I've got to tell you this story, it's the worst show ever, don't watch it.
I ain't even saying the name of the show.
I'll tell you the premise of the show.
Basically, I go around the world, right, I talk to Nazis, then I act surprised they don't like me.
That's the show.
So I did this show, right, and in the first episode, I went to America - and can I just say, American racism Some of the best racism in the world, you guys.
I'm gonna be honest, I'm a race connoisseur and it's the best racism in the world.
It's such good racism, I came back to England and was like, "This is shit.
" "This is terrible.
" We used to be the best at racism! What happened? What happened? We used to be the best - and then America just came, took it away.
What's the most racist thing we've done recently? What, Brexit? "Oh, yeah, we want immigrants to leave ".
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in two to five years.
" "Unless they're qualified, then maybe they can stay.
" It's terrible.
I was in America, right, and in this episode, I went to a Ku Klux Klan bar.
More fun than you think, it just is.
You know, they give you a beer, and you go, "Ah, you're all right.
" Anyway So I did this show, right, and I get a phone call from the channel, right, the channel call me up.
And they go, "Jamali!" I go, "What's up?" They said, "You need to lock down your Facebook page.
" I say, "Why have I got to lock down my Facebook page?" They said, "You just did a TV show "where you took the piss out of Nazis for an hour.
"You're going to get some death threats.
" I'm like, "Me, I'm a nice guy, I shan't get any death threats.
" Show came out at 9:00, and about 9:03 .
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got my first death threat, right? What they said to me, they said, "Jamali, "whatever you do, do not reply to those death threats.
" Well, little did they know, I was doing Live At The Apollo, so I replied to every single damn one.
This is a conversation I had with a neo-Nazi called Clyde, right? And what I love most about this story is that he liked my Facebook page.
That's what I love most about it.
"I hate you!" Like! "Tell me when you're in town.
" All right, this is the first message he sends me, right, this is the first message, right.
He goes, "Bro, do you know you've put a target on your back," right? "You stupid, bro.
"Best of luck.
" Which is a weird way to end a threat.
It's like, "I'm going to get you, but have some fun with it, please.
" So I messaged came back saying, "Hey, babe.
"Nice to hear from you.
Coming to the States soon.
"Fancy a dinner date?" Right, then he goes, "What race are you? "Probably a sand nigger.
" I was horrified.
I was like, "No, land nigger!" We're a different type, we've got longer legs.
We're quicker.
More agile.
Then hethen he goes, "Bro, I promise, "if I ever see you in my state again, "I am putting your punk arse under.
" Right, and I was just going, "Oh, what state? "I've booked a trip.
" Right.
Then he's gone, "Alabama.
" And I've gone, "Man, you ain't going to believe this.
" Right.
Then he's just put, in capital letters, "WHAT?" What could it be? And I go, "Listen, I fly to LA and I stop over in Alabama.
"What's up, is that cool? Can I stay at yours?" Now, look Stupid, right? I don't know the situation.
He might have an Airbnb going on, do you know what I'm saying? When I travel, I live like a local.
And he surprisingly goes, "No! "You can't stay at mine.
" How mean is that? "You can't stay at mine.
"But if you do come, I'll allow it, "but only if you don't leave the airport.
" And I said, "Bloody hell, Nazi, you're being reasonable.
" But I said, "What happens if I come, "and my plane gets delayed even longer "and I need to stay a couple of nights? "What's up, is that cool? Can I stay at your mum's?" Now, look I get it, it's a stupid question, but I don't know the situation.
She might not be a Nazi - she might have a Airbnb situation.
And he goes, "No! "You can't stay at my mum's.
" That hurt.
"You can't stay at my mum's, but if you do come, "I'll allow it, but only if you stay in an airport hotel.
And I said, "Bloody hell, Nazi, you're giving me solutions.
" But I said, "What happens if I come "and my plane gets delayed even longer "and I lose my passport? "You know they won't let me on the plane without my passport, "because the Jews run the planes, right?" Then he goes, "Yeah, they do.
"Oh, yeah, they do.
You know it, Jamali.
" "Then what, what do I do? "I can't live in the airport like that weird Tom Hanks movie.
"Help, help, help me out.
Help, help, help me out.
"Help, help, help me out.
"Let me stay at yours.
" And he goes, "For fuck's sake, OK, just come!" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's how you beat the Nazis, guys, pure perseverance.
That's the thing - it's like, I've met some crazy people with some crazy ideologies.
One of the craziest people I've met, and the funniest, were these guys called the Black Israelites.
If you don't know the Black Israelites, right, it's a group of black dudes in New York, right, and they think the black man's the original Jew, they think the white man's the devil.
I mean, look, you know, they have a point - and they think Jesus, right, is coming back to put white people in slavery.
Right, which, look, I think is messed up, cos I think white people would make terrible slaves.
Do you know what I'm saying? You know, you whip them once, they run to the manager.
You know, you try to give them bread and water, "Is it gluten-free?" No! It's not gluten-free.
I don't want some old white woman making my dinner and stuff, like, Margaret, if you make me another shepherd's pie, I'm going to sell your arse! What else has been going on? I'm single now! SCATTERED CHEERS OK, don't lie! Single, it's hard being single, man, I'm telling you.
It's hard, man.
Hard dating.
Especially now, cos it's, like, it's weird to meet people in person, it's the internet, innit? I sound like a old person there.
It's the internet! With the kids.
It's like that Tinder.
Oh, God, I'm on Tinder.
I hate Tinder! You know what I hate about Tinder? Tinder's a pervert.
You didn't know that, did you? Tinder is a pervert, and it tries to make you a pervert.
I ain't no pervert, Tinder.
I'll explain to you how.
One time I was on Tinder, made my profile, sent it out into the world, came back, age range, 18! No, Tinder, I'm 27! I can't date an 18-year-old.
Cos everyone's got a weird rule about how young of a person you can date, everyone's got a weird rule.
Everyone's like, "OK, it's your age and you halve it plus 12.
" No! That's not the rule.
The new rule is, you can't sleep with someone if you remember the year they were born.
OK? You cannot have sex with that person.
An 18-year-old was born in the year 2000.
I went to the Millennium Dome in the year 2000! I walked around, and I went, "This wasn't worth the £10 admission.
" Do you realise, as well, when you try and date a girl, if the parents don't like you, forget about it.
That is issues.
Cos I met my last girlfriend, I was with her for, like, two years, loved my last girlfriend, but her family hated me - and the reason they hated me, the reason they hated me so much is because I had a beard.
That was their big issue.
Right, and one time they said to her, they go, "Listen, we don't like him! "He's a terrorist, and he doesn't love God.
" I was like, "I'm not I'm not defending Isis right now, "but I don't think that lack of love for God is their issue.
" I think they love God a bit too much, I think that's .
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where they have fault.
Damn, it's hard to mock terrorism, isn't it? I'm trying, it's hard.
Especially with, like, this package.
You know? Like, if you saw me on the news with a knife, you'd go, "Yup, that's them! "That's what they look like! He's got a beard.
" "Down with the West! "Isis are coming.
" "Mm! "I'm in Isis!" You know what I realised? I get way too much Islamic abuse for the fact that I'm not a Muslim.
I get too much.
People always come up to me and they go, "Oh, but the Koran is crazy!" And I go, "Yeah.
"It's religion.
It's meant to be crazy! "If it was logical, it would be called science, but it's not.
"Why do you care what they believe?" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cos terrorism is bad, right? Yeah, I like how you sort of sit there, like, I don't know what Hammersmith is saying, but terrorism's bad in my eyes.
It's bad, isn't it? So let me - this next statement's going to sound weird.
Sometimes I get jealous of terrorists.
Hear me out! This is the point.
Cos it's like a group of mates.
It's a group of boys, you know? You can call them up, be like, "Yo, Mohammed, I don't like this.
" "I'm on it.
" Boom.
That's That's great! But that's too much.
I would have too many jihads, they would kick me out of Isis, they'd be like, "No more jihads, Jamali.
" One more! "OK, one more, then I'm cutting you off.
" I'm telling you, I'll have a jihad on everything I hate in this world.
Anything I think brings down the moral fibres of society, I'll have a jihad.
I know you're sitting there going, "Oh, I see, Jamali.
"Oh, liberal BBC, I see what you're doing here.
Oh, I see.
"You're going to have a jihad on racism, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
"And transphobia and homophobia.
" No! Cats! That'll be my first jihad, I'll have a jihad on cats.
Guess what? I hate cats.
Right, if there was a cat right now, I would punch it in the face, I swear to God.
I'll punch all your cats in the pussy, I swear to God.
I hate cats.
Hate them all! I hate lions and tigers and leopards, I'll kick a panther in the head! Hate cats! Right, know what I hate about cats? They're not loyal.
That's what I hate about cats.
They're not loyal.
That's why I like dogs.
Dogs are loyal.
A dog will stand with you no matter what.
You can have a break-up, divorce, zombie apocalypse, dog's like, "What's up?" You ever seen a homeless dude with a cat? Exactly.
No.
APPLAUSE I'm telling you now, you get kicked out today, that cat left yesterday.
With a little cat bag by the door, like, "You knew this would never last.
" But please, Mr Pigglesworth! "Get your hands off me.
"I'm going to go join Isis.
" I'm telling you, it's hard doing cat material.
You wouldn't think that, would you? You'd think that's No, it is hard, cos we love cats.
Not me, you guys love cats in this country.
Look at you, nodding your head, "I love cats.
" We love cats so much, we still hate that woman who put the cat in the bin.
Like, we still hate that woman! We forgave Germany before we forgave that woman, boy! We hate that woman! Not me, I love her, she's my hero.
I swear to God.
I've got a photo of her above my bed.
Every time I see her, I just go, "Thank you, thank you so much.
" It's her, Malcolm X, Nelson Mandela.
That's my three All the money I get for tonight, goes to her.
That's where it goes.
Going to buy her a new wheelie bin.
Anyway, guys, you guys are lovely! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You guys are a lovely, lovely crowd.
I think you're ready for your first act.
You know, I'm telling you, like, I've gigged with this person many times, and they are awesome, and you're going to love them so much, and I'm actually looking forward to watching you watch these people.
That's how good they are right now.
So please give a round of applause to one of my good friends, Sindhu Vee! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: I Want To Break Free by Queen Good evening, Apollo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much for having me, I'm delighted to be here.
You know, when I found out that I was going to do this gig, I immediately put together a message, and I pinged it out on our family WhatsApp group, to my husband and my children, because that is the kind of rock and roll comic I am, and my son, my teenage son wrote back to me at once, and his message said, "Thug life chose you, brruh.
" And I was like, "Oh shit, my child has joined a gang.
" I mean What kind of language is this "thug" and "bruh"? It had two "R"s, but he's a terrible speller.
And I was like, "Oh, no.
" And the other thing is, I thought, "This message is not for me.
"This idiot has sent me a message by mistake "which is for a gang member.
"What if the next message is something much worse?" And that really bothered me because, well, this was my moment.
I am going to Apollo, like, if I'm going to find out you're a criminal, can we do it next month? So I wrote back to him, in all caps, because, as a good Indian mother, I mainly shout at my children.
I wrote back, "THIS IS YOUR MUM," and he wrote back, "I know, gigging like a boss.
" Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A boss! Yeah, B-A-W-S-E, boss.
And also, please do remember as you listen to the rest of my set this evening, that I didn't choose it, but the thug life chose me.
That's right.
So I have kids, of course, you love your kids, and it's difficult to raise them.
Small kids are very easy, I find.
The biggest downside of having a very small child is they are very boring.
Yeah, they want to show you they love you by talking to you all the time, but everything they know, you already know.
APPLAUSE I mean, literally zero value add in any of those conversations.
But you do it anyway, cos they're your kids, you know? And you know what people say, small kids, small problems, big kids, bigger problems.
The reason is that, as your kids get older, you have to discipline them properly.
And I find this very stressful, because I'm born and raised in India, so what I consider robust, healthy, high-quality parental discipline is frowned upon in this part of the world.
That's not true, it's illegal.
I know because I have checked.
And I want to have really well-behaved kids, but that is no use to me if I am in jail.
So I had to learn what you guys do here, and the big thing here is, teach your kids about action and consequence using a multitude of techniques.
So you have something called star charts.
You know what star chart is? No, let me tell you.
Star chart is you find something vaguely not negative that your child possibly might be able to do, and then work it into the conversation and give them a star.
"Thank you for not kicking me in the face today.
"Here is a star.
" And then the other one, action and consequence, naughty step.
"You've been terribly behaved, kindly go relax on the staircase.
" APPLAUSE And I was like, I cannot get on board with this, so what do we have from my culture that I can somehow glom onto this so it makes sense to me? And then I thought, of course, our parents talk to us about action and consequence, but the way they do it is they implicate us, from the time we're very young, in their death, and then use this as a way to guide our behaviour.
Let me give you an example.
Let me find someone, who Sir, what is your name? John.
John, can I use your name for this? OK.
So, John, imagine you're four years old and your mother will say to you, "John! "I told you to put one spoon of chocolate in the milk, "why have you put two? "Because you want me to die?" Very effective with small children, you know? It focuses them.
And, John, your mother could be from anywhere in India, so if she was from Gujarat, she might say something like, "John" SHE SPEAKS GUJARATI "John, you put two spoons of chocolate in your milk.
"Why are you drinking milk? Drink my blood!" If she's from Punjab, she would say, "John" SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI "John, you put two spoons of chocolate in the milk, "fine, I am going to beat myself ".
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to death.
"You please stay here and enjoy your milk.
" APPLAUSE Yeah.
My mum speaks Hindi, so what she would probably say is SHE SPEAKS HINDI "John, why are you tinkling that teaspoon? "Pick up the knife, you know it's what you want.
" APPLAUSE Good stuff.
And it was working so well for me with my first-born, until, when he was about seven, I got a phone call from his school, and the teacher said, "Could you and your husband please come in? "Your son has some very specific anxieties.
" So, I went.
I went I didn't take my husband.
My husband is Danish.
Which is to say there is zero overlap in our parenting techniques.
Yeah, Danes My husband's entire parenting repertoire is, "Darling, please be very, very, very happy.
"Here is some Lego.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So I went, and the teacher said, "We don't understand, "he's a great boy, great kid, but every time we give him back homework "and he hasn't got full marks, he says, 'I don't want to go home.
"'I think my mother might be dead.
'" And on the inside I was like, "Yes! "What a good boy! He's been listening, my son.
" But on the outside I was like, "What? "No, oh! "I'm so sorry, I can't imagine.
"Well, what can I say? "Danes are very bleak.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've been so nice, Apollo! Thank you so much, have a good evening! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up for Sindhu Vee! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Listen, your next act, I'm about to bring on your final act now.
I'll be honest with you, this person, I've travelled around the world with this person, they are amazing.
Like, genuinely one of my favourite comedians, every time I watch them, I'm just inspired.
So please give love and a round of applause for your next act, Fern Brady.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC PLAYS Hello, Apollo! This is so much nicer than most gigs I ever do.
I mean, in Scotland it's still illegal for women to do this job! So when I started comedy, I used to walk on stage on a Friday night, it would be all stag parties, and I would say people would work out I was a woman very early on .
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and I could see the disappointment in their faces.
I would walk on stage and all the guys would just fold their arms, devastated, as if to go, "Why is the stripper talking?" I went to Belfast for a gig.
Now, I love going to Northern Ireland, cos as a young person, it's the only way I can truly experience what the '70s was like.
And I got a taxi to the show, and the taxi driver asked what my job was.
I stupidly told the truth, I said, "I'm a comedian," and he went SCOFFS "A female comedian?" I was like "Yes, I'm aware they're illegal here, too, "in the state of Gilead.
" Then he said, "The funny thing is, is in Northern Ireland, "all our females are comedians.
" I was like, I know, mate.
My favourite one is the character act you have in your country, who appears to be a butch lesbian masquerading as a straight woman in charge of the DUP, the most homophobic political party in the UK.
I mean, Jesus Christ, Arlene, come out already! If you don't know who the DUP are, they're a Northern Irish political party, they hate women and gay people, yet they're run by a stone butch lesbian who doesn't seem to know it yet.
And gay marriage is illegal in Northern Ireland, and the DUP support this, and they always come out with fictional reasons against it, cos you can never say the real reason you're homophobic, which is always, "I really want to try gay sex.
" Cos all vocal homophobes are gay in the end, it's just a waiting game.
Vladimir Putin, biding my time for that one.
Now, I've been doing material on Arlene Foster and the DUP being homophobic, and the DUP found out about it - and the way I found out about this was there was a newspaper story with the headline, "DUP demand apology from comedian over gay jibes.
" They meant me, my first scandal in comedy.
A big moment for any young comedian.
Now, my agent, who I've said I'd be on good behaviour for, he was like, "Do not go on social media and say anything to the DUP.
"Stay off Twitter and Facebook.
" I was like, "Chris, can I have one tweet, just one tweet?" He went, "Fine, you can have one tweet.
" I went on Twitter, I was like, "I will apologise to Arlene Foster "as soon as she licks my vag and looks disgusted.
" APPLAUSE I'll say no more, I'm a very private person.
Really annoyed me, though, cos the way I found out about this story was a guy tweeted me, a guy had read my stand-up routine in the newspaper - always the best way to experience live comedy - and he tweeted me saying, "How dare you say Arlene is gay just because she's a homophobe, "butch lesbians are never a punch line, "stay in your fucking lane.
" Presumably meaning the heterosexual lane.
Well, I'd been saving this up for some time.
I said, "Mate, if I hate butch lesbians, "someone needs to tell all the butch lesbians I've dated, "cos I'm a bisexual.
" Game, set, and match! I hate saying I'm a bisexual, right, cos I know people either hate us or they don't believe in us, but I love winning arguments on Twitter, so that was how I came out as a bisexual.
When you think about it, this is how I'm coming out as a bisexual to my parents, on television.
Sorry, Mum and Dad.
APPLAUSE That's sweet of you, man, cos it's rubbish being bisexual.
We're the worst kind of sexual, cos the nature of being bisexual is people don't believe in you.
Like, when you're dating a man, people think you're straight, when you're dating a woman, people think you're a lesbian.
And I can't beat this guy See when this guy on Twitter said, "You're not part of the LGB community," I actually thought, "God, maybe I do hate gay people.
" And I had to go, "No, Fern, "cos you had gay sex that time with that woman, "and gay sex that other time with that woman, "and very gay sex that time with the two women "that made you feed their Rottweilers the next day.
" Which isn't a euphemism, by the way.
But I can't beat this guy on Twitter, cos he had a go at me.
The only Cos I go out with a guy now, and you can never be demonstratively bisexual in a monogamous relationship, unless I have a three-way, which I'm not doing with the guy I go out with now, he'd only embarrass me.
Will you please stop crying! Put the kettle on or something.
And my boyfriend likes to play devil's advocate with me over the bi thing.
He was like, "Oh, well, a lot of people don't like bisexuals cos they think "you're going to leave for someone of the opposite gender.
" And I was like, I have news for you, pal.
Everyone leaves in the end, whether it's for a man or a woman or the sweet embrace of death.
All love dies in the end.
My boyfriend went, "It was a phase, dating women was a phase.
"You know it was a phase, you're with me now.
" I'm like, bitch, I've pumped more women than you, which wouldn't be hard, given you're an Irish man, you virgin.
I only go out with Irish guys, right.
I sometimes do a Northern AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Oh, they're great, aren't they? SCATTERED CHEERING Sometimes I do Northern Irish as a palate cleanser, but it's not the same.
Cos I love how dirty their accents are, but once you get them in bed, they're all, "What's going on, Miss?" Just like farmers in a porno or something, they've got this .
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sexual purity about them that is, mwah.
I was pumping this Irish guy once, and he started coming out with all this dirty talk, and I was like, "Ugh, this one's broken.
" Found it so distasteful.
The flip side of that innocence is they can be very misogynistic, and the last time I was in Northern Ireland, I was with a female friend and this drunk guy, for no reason, cat called us.
And he shouted at us, "I'd shag you up the arse and I'd shag her up the arse.
" And I was so offended, but then I thought, "Oh, yeah, you'd have to in Northern Ireland, "cos you still don't have legal abortion.
" Don't be going, "Oh, eh, oh, eh, oh, eh, "we've got legal access to it in this country.
" In Northern Ireland, they just have to pretend they love boat trips to Liverpool forever.
"What's that, Jenny, you off to Liverpool again? "Fourth time this year?" "Just love the Beatles Museum.
" Anyway, guys, you've been amazing.
I've been Fern Brady.
Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Guys, give it up for Fern Brady! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was amazing! Give it up for the people you've seen tonight.
You've seen Sindhu Vee.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've seen Fern Brady.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And my name's been Jamali Maddix.
You've been great, thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
Thank you, you've been amazing.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE