Live at The Apollo (2004) s14e07 Episode Script
Sarah Millican, Ahir Shah, Laura Lexx, Gary Delaney
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sarah Millican! # So here it is, Merry Christmas # Everybody's having fun Look to the future now Ahh! Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to Live at the Apollo! CHEERING And Merry Christmas.
WHOOPING Christmas is a lovely time for families, isn't it? I took I took my mam shopping.
My mam's in a wheelchair, we went into a department store and went into the disabled toilet within the department store.
And me mam did a wee and I thought, "While I'm in, I'll have a quick wee as well.
" But I knew I needed to fart at the same time.
The toilet was on a very busy thoroughfare, a lot of people going past that door.
So I said to my mam, I said, "Do us a favour, Mam.
" She said, "What?" I said, "Clap.
" I don't know why I said that.
I think I thought the noise would have drowned it out.
Also, I am very comfortable with applause, this is my job after all.
So she did, she went like this She did one.
I said, "How good do you think my timing is, Mam?" The problem we had is when she clapped, the lights went off.
But luckily, I did a big loud fart and they came back on again! I've got one sister, it's just the two of us.
My sister is six years older than me.
When she was a teenager, she used to talk very slang, very Geordie slang.
And my mam didn't like it, so my mam would correct her.
And me being the little shitty sister, I would help.
So if my sister said, "I'm gan oot," my mam would correct her and say, "I'm going out.
" My sister would have to repeat, "I'm going out," before she was allowed to go out.
And I'd just be standing beside them both saying, "I'm going out," like the arsehole that I was.
There was a time my sister was really ill, she had a really bad finger, she went to hospital with my mam.
They came back in from A&E, and I said to my sister, "What's the matter with your finger, then?" And she said, "Oh, they said it's gangrene.
" And I'd genuinely said, "GOING green.
" Like, I properly thought a medical doctor had gone, "That's gan green, "then it's gonna gan broon, then it's gonna fall off.
" I've got a little dog, he's adorable, he's a rescue dog, he's very sweet.
He does bark at all other dogs, that's the one problem we have with him, he will bark at all of the dogs.
But I just use the fact that he's a rescue, if that comes up.
So, say I'm out walking him and he barks at another dog, the other owner will look at me like, "Control your dog!" And I'll just turn to her and I'll say, "I'm really sorry, but he's a rescue.
" And then she'll turn to me and she'll say, "I'm so sorry for what he's been through.
" When the truth is, his owner died and we got him, that's what he's been through.
You can't do that with blokes, can you? If a bloke's fighting in a pub, you can't go, "I'm really sorry, but he's a rescue.
"Just found him wandering round Debenhams on his own.
"And we've checked and he's not married, "because he hasn't been chipped.
" The dog hurt his paw a few months ago, hurt his paw, so I rang the vet, it was out of hours, so I got put straight through to the vet herself, she said, "What's the problem?" I said, "The dog's hurt his paw.
" She said, "Which paw?" And I said, "It's his left hand.
" She said, "His what?" I said, "His left hand.
" She said, "Do you mean his foreleg?" I said, "I don't know, I didn't go to university "like you did, flower.
To me, it's his left hand.
" I know what you're thinking - you think I humanised the dog, I know that's what you're thinking.
Shut up, I don't, I don't humanise him, I don't.
So I took his little waistcoat off and I took him to the vet Got him all bandaged up, and I brought him home, my husband was working away at the time, and I thought, "I should ring him, let him know what's going on.
" My husband said, "What's the matter?" I said, "The dog's hurt his paw.
" And my husband said, "Which paw?" And I thought, what is the fascination with which paw? It's not like it's the one he writes with.
I said it was his left hand.
And my husband said, "His what?" I said, "His left hand.
" He said, "Ah, you mean front passenger side?" The dog sleeps downstairs, his choice, he sleeps on the sofa.
And then in the morning, when he wakes up, he comes up to our bedroom, and every single day, he asks permission to get on the bed.
He pats the side of the bed with both hands.
Hands! And I wake up and I go, "Go on, then.
" And he jumps up on the bed and sort of little spoons me, kind of lies here like this, it's very sweet.
We all fall back asleep again for another half an hour, it's adorable.
The other day, though, having fallen back to sleep again, I woke up because he was growling, and I thought, "What's he growling at? What's going on here?" What had happened, because they're sort of loose in the night, one of my boobs had landed on his head.
The dog is very little, my tits are not.
GROWLS Poor little bugger.
He's lucky he didn't get caught between them, he'd be dead.
I like to break out the board games this time of year.
I Not long ago, I played a game of Jenga with some friends.
And a couple of days after that, I was talking to my dad on the phone.
I thought, "I'll tell him about it.
" Then I thought, "I don't know if my dad knows "what Jenga is, he's in his 70s, I don't know "when it first became popular.
" So I thought, "I'll ask him.
" So I said, "Dad, do you know what Jenga is?" And he said, "Yeah, yeah, like sex.
" I said, "Jenga.
" He said, "Sex.
" I had so many questions, and I didn't want any of the answers.
I said to him, "Can I ask which word you think I'm saying?" And he said, "Yeah, gender.
" I was like, "Oh, thank Christ for that!" I had a horrible idea that that's what him and my mam called it.
He's trying to pull himself out without toppling her over.
A few months ago, I went for a bra fitting.
Give us a "whoo" if you've ever for a bra fitting.
TOGETHER: Whoo! Give us a "whoo" if you did not enjoy it.
TOGETHER: Whoo! Exactly the same people again.
It's quite an odd experience, isn't it? I've been touring and asking the women in my audiences what they didn't like about their bra fitting.
One lady shouted out, "Cold hands!" That's what she said, "I didn't like the cold hands.
" And I get it, because they have to touch you at various times and cold hands aren't very pleasant to touch.
But I had a think about it - I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands.
Warm hands kind of ick me out.
Warm hands imply to me that they've been doing this "Oh, Sheila, I've seen my ten o'clock, I cannot wait.
" There was another lady shouted out, I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fitting?" She said, "It was embarrassing.
" I said, "Of course it's embarrassing, flower, "but was there one moment that was worse than the rest?" She said, "Oh, yes.
"When I took my bra off, two bits of popcorn fell out.
" And one lady shouted out that she thought there were too many mirrors, and I get that, I think there are too many mirrors in those cubicles.
Because when I went for mine, the lady said to me, "And would you like to look at the back of the bra?" And I thought, "No.
" Then I thought, "I wonder if I'm missing out on something," so I had a look.
Turns out I've got back tits as well.
Didn't know about those.
Thanks for pointing them out, you cow.
I'm surprised she didn't try and sell me a bra for the back ones an' all.
I'll tell you what happened to me - every now and again, I have to have a photo shoot.
Now, I hate photo shoots, I have really bad body image issues.
So a photo shoot for someone like me is a nightmare, but sometimes they are unavoidable.
I had two in the space of a fortnight - one for the cover of my book and one for the poster for my tour.
And I had a lady who was helping me pick some clothes for the photo shoots.
And I said to her, "I don't have the time or indeed "the inclination to lose any weight, but could you recommend "anything that might make me look a bit better? And she said, "Go for a bra fitting, "a properly fitted bra will knock pounds off you.
" And I said, "How many bras could I wear?" Front tits, back tits, arse cheeks maybe? I don't know.
The place she recommended to me was until about three months ago known as the Queen's bra fitter, which I find quite an odd boast, don't you? "Oh, we do the Queen's bras, we do the Queen's bras here.
" I find that such an odd boast.
I've never once watched Trooping the Colour on the telly and thought, "Oh, I wish I had tits like hers.
" I made an appointment at the place she recommended, I went along to the appointment, I went into the cubicle with the lady I'd made the appointment with, and I took off my top and I had my best bra on you always wear your best one, don't you? That's what I said, "This is my best fitting bra.
" And she went like this "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" She said, "That's what everyone says.
" I said, "Well, maybe that's what everyone means.
" We didn't hit it off at all, it was eggy from the get-go.
She said, "What we need to do with those two" Those two, like they're separate from my person "What we need to do with those two is lift and separate.
" Lift and separate.
I said, "Don't separate them too much, cos that's what "it looks like when I'm in bed.
" The way she was talking, it sounded like she wanted them to look like a travel pillow.
She gave me a bra to try on, and I said to her, "Would you mind stepping out while I put on the bra, "and when I've got it on, I'll shout you back in?" She looked utterly perplexed at this.
She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years.
" I said, "Well, I haven't been doing this for 30 years.
" Then I thought, "Showing my boobs to strangers? "Probably a good 25.
" But I didn't want to add her to my list of people who've seen my tits.
There's not that many people on my list - just a handful of blokes and a window cleaner once by accident.
So we got a bra that fit and she tightened up the straps, because I had them on comfy setting, you know, where they just sort of graze your belly.
Oh, I love that.
Thank God I've got a belly, otherwise they'd hit the deck.
But she tightened up the straps to where they're supposed to be, and then she put one finger under the strap at the top, she put one finger underneath, and she said, "This is the rule - "you're supposed to be able to only get one finger under the strap.
" And then she looked at me for a response.
I don't know why I said the following, but when she said, "One finger, that's the rule, one finger" And I said, "Oh, that's interesting, "because it's two for a dog's collar.
" Why the fuck did I say that?! And to make it worse, I then said, "Are you trying to stop me from losing my boobs in the park?" Why am I still talking? Shut up! But there was one lady, and I asked, "Why didn't you like your bra fitting?" She was an older lady, and she said, "When I took my bra off, "my boobs went down like that, so they just measured my waist.
" Another lady said, "I didn't like it, "because I didn't know the etiquette "and I took my bra off too early.
" How was that? Was she still on the bloody bus? I was in I was in hospital last Christmas, not for very long, not for anything serious, they gave me one of those gowns, you know, that doesn't quite shut at the back.
She said, "The next thing we need from you is a urine sample.
" Give us a "whoo" if you've ever given a urine sample.
TOGETHER: Whoo! Give us a "whoo" those of you who are women.
TOGETHER: Whoo! It's tricky, isn't it? She gave me a bottle with a neck like that.
And I thought, "Well, I'll wait until she brings the funnel.
" No funnel came.
And I thought, "How am I supposed to hit that with my twin jets?" Now, I don't want to tell you too much about me down there.
Suffice to say it's not a '70s bush by any means.
But it's also not child bald.
Put it this way, there's just enough hair to put a paedophile off.
Still made this quite tricky.
So I put it in position, started my wee - wee came out of a different area.
I stopped my wee, I moved into that area, I started my wee again, wee came out of a third area! It was like somebody was pouring juice through a hedge.
I felt like I was on The Cube.
And then she said, "The next thing we need to know "is what size you are for the DVT tights," you know, the sort of stockings you put on after you've had surgery? I said, "OK.
" She came along with a variety of sizes.
She said, "We'll start with a size small.
" And I thought, "Oh, somebody's got time to kill.
" I'm somewhat of a large person.
But I tried the small on and they fit, they fit! I'm a small in hospital.
I must have had such an odd expression on my face.
Because she said, "Are you all right?" I just went, "Why aren't you a shop?" But then she gave me the paper knickers, you know the paper knickers they make you wear? My husband said, "I find them quite sexy.
" I said, "Do you? Why?" He said, "I think I could rip them off.
" Just so you know, if you do a fart in them, same thing happens.
What a delight of an audience you are, we're going to have a cracking show.
Are you ready for your first act? CHEERING Your first act is an incredibly funny man, he is top of my Christmas card list, please welcome the very funny Ahir Shah! # You were handsome You were pretty # Queen of New York City # When the band finished playing, they howled out for more Sinatra was swinging Hello! Hello, hello, Merry Christmas, Apollo.
Are we well? CHEERING Fantastic, good to hear.
My name is Ahir Shah.
We'll clear up the obvious to begin with - I realise that I sound as though I've been colonised by my own voice.
It's a particularly odd way to sound in London, right? London, just a city dragging itself up by its cranes to ever new heights of unaffordability.
It's been that way for years now.
It's just a playground for the super-wealthy and their offspring.
And I'm not from that sort of background myself, regardless of what you may think from the way that I just pronounced the word "years".
It's just a voice.
This is genuinely true.
During the last year for which I have available data, the high school I went to sent more people to Isis than Oxbridge.
Let you guess which way I went.
Pleasure to be here.
Allahu akbar, lock the doors.
You might think the last line's obviously a joke.
I'll get letters.
Genuinely, I get strangers anonymously contacting me online, insisting that I want to impose Sharia law on the West, which, as the atheist son of Hindu parents, makes me feel ever so naughty.
Sharia, moi? And now look at me - regular guy on the BBC at Christmas time.
Yeah, yeah.
CHEERING Although, admittedly, owing to the BBC's diversity regulations, because I'm on the bill, you now have to refer to it as Krishna time.
I know, right? O-M-Ganesh.
Lots of differences between the generations.
My favourite Christmas film is Die Hard.
My dad's still waiting for the Hindu remake - Die Hard, Get Reincarnated, Die Even Harder.
It's been an interesting time this year, lots of changes in my area at the moment.
My part of London is undergoing a lot of rapid gentrification, they call it.
I don't know if I can be a gentrifier, because I've gentrified places in the past.
I work in the arts, don't get me wrong.
I remember a while ago I lived in a place called Streatham in south London, and when I came towards the end of my tenancy, I remember walking to the station and realising that overnight, a minicab office had been replaced by a vegan bakery, and I was like, "My work here is done.
" It's different from the way that it used to be.
When my grandparents came to this country, my grandparents came to this country with nothing, and yet, they were able to start a family here, they were able to build a life for them, they were able to own property, largely because they drove down house prices in every neighbourhood that they went to.
But they were able Property It's not like that any more for the different generations, right? So, what do the young people do? You wait.
You're probably watching this at home, all the generations together at last at Krishna time.
All of the young people waiting for a grandparent to cough and hoping that that's what's finally going to get them on the property ladder.
The problem is, as with any kind of inequality, with intergenerational inequality, the deck is stacked, and we pretend it's a question of priorities that's made outcomes not identical.
The number of times I've heard, "Oh, you're worried you'll never get "on the housing ladder, but you'll spend £3 on one of your fancy coffees.
" "Oh, you'll never get the little flat, but you'll spend £3 on one of your fancy coffees.
" Bruv, that's cos you bought all the £3 houses! A few of those left, I'd prioritise that over a gingerbread latte.
That is not the world that we currently live in.
Guys, I currently, as an individual, earn more than both of my parents did put together, adjusted in real terms when 23 years ago they bought a four-bedroom detached house in North London.
The problem is my fondness for brunch.
Sure.
It's been an interesting year all round for me.
Last Christmas, I came off long-term medication for Basically, for most of my life, I've been, like, emosh.
But earlier in my 20s, I was diagnosed as being clinically totes emosh.
But basically, it was good for me.
I was able to talk to someone when I needed to, because my GP is a very old family friend.
Obviously.
And so, I was on medication for quite a while.
My GP came to my last show with his wife, and apparently, at one stage, his wife leant over to him and said, "Is this part of it, or is he having a breakdown?" To which my GP apparently responded, "I'm not legally allowed to say.
" But last Christmas, we came off the medication.
He was very reasonable about it.
"Initially, we can reduce dosage, "we'll just do things you're comfortable with, "but maybe we'll start to look at other things in life, "maybe we come off the drugs, maybe we come off the" Every time he used the word "we", I felt like a woman whose husband was insisting that we're pregnant.
He's like, "Maybe we come off the drugs.
" I'm like, mate, I'm the one who has to go through unimaginable pain here.
All you did was come inside me without a condom on.
He did not do that.
It's very important that you know that at no stage did my GP do This is on the BBC at Christmas.
They need to know that he did not do that.
I am very worried I am very close to becoming intensely religious.
Which would be so annoying, because it's definitely bollocks.
The problem is, right, as a human being, you have all of these questions about life, the universe and everything.
The number of questions that you have grows exponentially over time.
I am a young person.
I've already got all of these questions, and I know that year-on-year, more and more questions are going to come at me like an avalanche, and I know that during that entire process, religion is just there, being like "When you're ready.
" "I couldn't help but overhear that you've got some questions.
"Thought you might like to know that we have existed "for thousands of years to provide literally every answer.
"So, if at any stage you want to thumb through a brochure "They are all bestsellers in their own right.
" "Where did you get the answers?" "Don't worry about it.
" "No, no, I'd like to know.
Where did you get those answers?" "We made them up to control people.
Fine.
"Why is that bad? Why is that bad? "Haven't you found total intellectual freedom paradoxically alienating, "and wouldn't you wilfully give up some control in exchange "for answers, even if in total it meant a net loss of freedom?" "Yes.
" I don't even know what religion I'd go for if I went for one.
I'm basically a Christian, through socialisation, and there's nothing I could have done about it, you know.
Why not? At this time of year particularly.
It's Christmas, I should just be a Christian.
I'll be a Christian.
The left-wing religion that right-wing people inexplicably love.
Maybe I could go the other way.
I could be a Muslim, the right-wing religion that left-wing people inexplicably love.
Never understood that.
Never understood the people who were like, "I think Jesus "wanted me to have the AR-15 so I could hunt people "if they can't afford health care.
" "Really? Is that really what he said? Really? "You spend more time in the building than I do, "but that does sound off-brand.
" Equally, always a bit suspicious of the people who are like, "When you get to the violent bits of the Koran, "you've just got to read it in a sarcastic voice.
" Sure.
Sure.
Probably I'd be a Hindu.
Hinduism is fascinating, because Hinduism is the most spectacular form of totalitarian social control that has ever been devised on the face of this Earth, but most of you don't know anything about that, so you're just, like, elephants! Seriously, you get something like the caste system - stain on humanity, right? Know your place in a rigid hierarchy on pain of your soul.
Never question why so few have everything and the rest of you are left to scrabble in dirt for scraps and no-one will even touch you, cos that's what God wants.
That's what God wants.
The American dream - "I could be anybody!" The Hindu dream - "Ah, maybe next time.
" Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.
My name's Ahir Shah.
Have a wonderful Krishna time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up one more time for Ahir Shah! Are you ready for your next act? ALL: Yes! Your next act is very funny woman.
She's the shiniest bauble on the Christmas tree.
Please give it up for Laura Lexx! # Snow is fallin' all around me Children playin', havin' fun Hiya.
Whoo! Blimey, this is all right, isn't it? Merry Christmas.
CHEERING I love Christmas, right? My favourite bit of Christmas Day is that bit just after the meal.
You know when you've eaten so much that you're basically lying in the starfish position on the sofa, sort of like something's got to come out of my body in a minute, and I don't know if it's going to be turkey or the way I feel about my mother.
One of them's easier to clean up after than the other, do you know what I mean? "Don't ruin the whole thing!" I love Christmas.
I always jet back to the West Country for Christmas.
I'm from Somerset, you see.
I know I don't have the accent.
We've got Yeah! People always wonder why you don't have the accent, but my parents aren't from there, so I'm not very Somerset-y, and when I left primary school, I was actually voted girl least likely to have her brother's baby.
That's so sweet.
I live in Brighton these days, me and my husband.
We jet down to the West Country.
I'm just going to give you a quick second with that, cos I've mentioned Brighton, husband and I've got this haircut.
Catch up.
Shove your stereotypes back where they came from.
I know, the problem is, I don't like pointing it out, but I have learned that if I don't mention I'm straight early on in a gig, half of you will sit there going, "I think she is, you know, cos she's got that bit there.
"That's what they do, isn't it, to show each other?" But no Not this one.
I don't mind if you are, obviously.
Crack away, do what you like, but for me, I like an undercut, but I also like cock, so It's tough to know what to do, isn't it, babe? I have a husband, I love it.
Give me a cheer if you're in love.
CHEERING Being in love is incredible.
Being in love, it feels like central heating, you know? You turn it on before guests come over and pretend it's like this all the time.
I love being in love.
I think I'm lucky, though, cos me and my husband don't argue that much.
The only thing we normally argue over is the duvet, and that's all right, isn't it? It's not the worst one.
The problem we have there is my fault.
It's me, I like sleep quite stretched out, like a starfish, you know, and my husband, he likes to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne.
Quite difficult to get used to, but She's very friendly, so I don't mind too much.
Makes a lovely scrambled egg if she stays over.
Christmas shopping does my head in.
That's the thing this year.
If you know me and you're watching this, your presents are all coming from one shop, cos it's the only shop I can go in without having a panic attack.
There is one shop on the high street, it's a soap shop, and you'll know the one I mean.
It's like an independent-y brand, and if you've ever been walking down the high street and suddenly thought to yourself, "Do you know what? I've got a cracking headache," you've just walked past this shop.
Yeah, it's that soap one and you can smell it.
You walk into any town centre, you go, "Yeah, yeah, they've got one.
"I can smell it, it's there.
" My advice, get up early in the morning, watch the staff going into work in there.
They all gather around outside, then one of them lets in a canary.
If it lasts more than 20 minutes, everybody's in.
I like that place, though.
I'm quite an environmentalist.
Of course I am.
I'm really big on not using single use plastic, all that stuff, cos I don't know, I'd like to have kids and I'd like them not to choke to death, so That's what I like about that shop.
Everything's recyclable in there, so you don't feel guilty.
It's like sex with somebody that sort of looks like your husband.
And you go in and you feel so fancy, cos you go and you say, "Hello, I'd like some shampoo, please," and then a 12-year-old in a tabard goes, "No, we don't sell shampoo here.
"We sell fudge putty for hair.
" "Oh, right, is that?" "Oh, yes, it's like shampoo, but ours is made from organic fairies, "and it's been shat out upon a bed of safe refugees here.
"We strain it through a well-funded NHS hospital "and then package it just for you.
" It's just an easy-going place, cos I find I don't like the department stores.
They freak me out, cos they're not as welcoming.
You know like if you go into a big one, like the cosmetics department, you go in through the double doors, and all of that department, it's all bright white, isn't it? All the shelves, it's all hard plastic and glass bits.
And for some reason, all the women that work on that department, they're all dressed like dentists.
Nobody knows why.
And then what's happened is, the cosmetics companies have freaked out about this.
They've clearly gone, "Oh, bollocks, what have we done here? "Oh, bloody hell.
"No-one's going to know we sell make-up.
"What are we going to do? Quick, get the dentists over here.
"Listen, ladies, ladies, listen.
We have royally buggered this.
"Listen, nobody's going to know we sell make-up, "cos this place looks like a hospital, and you're all "dressed like dentists, so, listen, "could you just do us a favour? "Could you just wear a little bit of everything that we sell?" If I can get through Christmas without screwing it up like I did last year Well, actually, technically, it was January that tripped me up last year.
So, some idiot that's been cut out of our family now bought me and my husband a set of bathroom scales for Christmas.
That's not an acceptable gift, is it? So, we ended up with this set of bathroom scales, got back from the Christmas period, got back to our flat, and we decided, hey, we're quite bored of an evening, let's weigh ourselves together.
Terrible idea, Laura.
I know, right? So, I went first.
I weighed myself.
I weighed sort of roughly what I was expecting to way, give or take half a tray of stuffing and my nephew's Advent calendar.
That's all right, that's OK, that's doing all right.
And then my husband weighed himself, right.
Now, just because you're looking at me, I'm not the world's biggest person.
I'm only five foot.
I have not married within my height range.
My logic was, if you're going to get one person for the rest of your life, get proper value for money.
Get yourself a decent one.
My husband, he's six foot three.
He's built like a brick shithouse, you know.
But, like, not toned.
More like a bread shithouse.
100%, honestly, but that's my taste in men down to the ground.
I'm not trying to fat shame him or body shame him.
Oh, my God, I fancy the pants off him.
I love him.
My taste in men, I don't care if you're blonde, brunette, bald, couldn't give a fuck.
I just like there to be a good danger of death if he rolls over in the night.
I love him.
He's my best one.
I love him to bits.
He's the best thing in my life, right? And he stepped on the scales, he weighed himself, and he clocked the number on those scales and looked devastated.
Now, I was standing in the bathroom doorway watching him, thinking, "Oh, my God.
" Like, the only way you could be that upset at the number looking back at you is if the last time you weighed yourself, there was a midwife in the room.
You haven't weighed yourself in a while, have you? I genuinely think he's gone through his whole life just assuming he's still 7lb 11oz.
It's the only way he could be this surprised.
He just looked gutted! And I was sort of stood there looking at him, thinking, "I don't want you to be upset about what you weigh.
" Like, what you weigh is so irrelevant.
Of all the things to worry about in the world, what you weigh doesn't mean anything.
Even if you are the most fitness, health-conscious person on the planet, what you weigh is no indicator of your muscle content or your fat content.
And people put such credence on it.
It's the one thing that we're allowed to be, like, braggy about.
You know, the number of people that, leading up to the Christmas parties, will be like, "Oh, I just want to lose those last 6lbs "before the office party.
" And you think, "God, if you would just focus on raising your IQ by those last" APPLAUSE .
.
by those last six points, you know, before the next election, we would be in such a better world.
And I was sort of stood there looking at him, and I thought, I don't want you to be upset about what you've weigh.
What I weigh has bothered me since I was about 15, since I first read a magazine.
I don't want you to have the same insecurity in your life.
I want to make you feel better.
So, I tried to make him feel better, but I got it wrong.
What I did, I thought I would .
.
Google things that also weighed the same amount as him.
What I thought would happen, right, in my defence, what I thought was, we'd find something cool that he weighed the same as, and then we'd both be like, "Fun.
"We shall now think about weight from a whole new" Anyway, long story short, it turns out, nobody wants to know that they weigh the same as a newborn elephant.
He's not talking to me.
Anyway, listen, you have been a wonderful audience.
Have a really lovely Christmas.
I've been Laura Lexx.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up for Laura Lexx! Are you ready for your final act? CHEERING Your final act is a very funny man.
He is the chocolate in my Advent calendar.
Please welcome the very funny Gary Delaney! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie Hello.
Happy Christmas.
CHEERING Thank you.
I'd like to start by saying, it's disappointing, given the size of the sign behind me, that Noel Edmonds hasn't even bothered to turn up! I went to buy a Christmas tree.
The guy said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?" I said, "No, I was thinking the living room.
" APPLAUSE Christmas morning, we'd always wake up and go, "Has he been? Has he been? Has he been?" Because we knew Dad wouldn't put the presents out until after he'd had a shit.
It wasn't the jingling of bells we listened out for in our house, believe you me.
Me and my little sister under the covers.
"I think I can hear Santa straining.
" "I think I can smell his reindeer.
" This year, I switched the lights on in Carlisle.
CHEERING It's nothing to do with Christmas, but they've got electricity now, so that's good.
I bought an Advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses.
Behind every door, somebody tells you to piss off.
APPLAUSE I bought a Travelodge Advent calendar.
It's still got chocolate in, but you can't open the windows.
I got a Microsoft Advent calendar.
You open too many windows at once, and they all shut again for no bloody reason.
APPLAUSE I took a "poll" recently, and 100% of people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
APPLAUSE Last week, I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12-year-olds, and I'm proud to say, I hit one of the little shits.
I remember one time the teacher asked me for a word with four "I"s, and I said Mississippi.
He said, "No, I mean, I want to have a word, you specky twat.
" A friend of mine's been suffering from paranoid delusions, and now he thinks he's a chocolate orange.
I worry he's going to be sectioned.
Poor Terry.
APPLAUSE I used to be a fortune-teller, but all I ever predicted was really cold winters.
Turned out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe.
In my last job, I just used to punch buttons all day, and that's why I'm no longer allowed to do panto.
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
APPLAUSE New Year is a time for getting healthier, isn't it? Next year, I've decided that I'm going to do dry January, and see if I can manage an entire month without any foreplay.
My golf instructor said I need to work on my follow-through.
I said, "Is it my swing?" He said, "No, you've got shit down the back of your trousers.
" I found out two new things this week.
One, sperm isn't actually good for your skin.
And two, my dermatologist has been struck off.
APPLAUSE My dad's been suffering from seizures.
So far, they've taken his car, his house and his boat.
My wife always cheats when she's on a diet.
She hides bars of chocolate all round the house and fucks other men.
One time, I went to A&E with a vacuum cleaner nozzle stuck up my arse.
The nurse said, "How did that happen?" I said, "Well, I was doing the vacuuming naked, "and I decided to stick the nozzle up my arse.
" You should have seen the look on Henry's face.
APPLAUSE And he'd only just come out the closet.
People who say that ketamine should be banned should get down off their high horse.
I've currently got a stalker, but you probably can't tell in these trousers.
Christmas is a time for all the family to get together, isn't it? This Christmas, I'm taking the whole family to Lapland, which is great, cos normally those clubs don't let kids in.
One time, I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch.
It was worth it just to see his little face light up.
Whenever I see a respected actor in panto, I always like to shout, "It's beneath you!" I don't like sex in the shower.
It's slippy, dangerous, and one of the worst things about prison.
Of course, Christmas can put a lot of strain on relationships, can't it? It really can, you know.
But my wife and I are a great match, because I've got a nine inch penis, and she doesn't know which way round to hold a ruler.
APPLAUSE I'm not saying my wife's embarrassed about me, but at our wedding, I was only invited to the evening do.
My wife says that if I carry on being so pedantic all the time, eventually I'll find I've got less and less friends.
I said, "No, I won't.
"I'll find that I've got fewer and fewer friends.
" That didn't help.
We've been trying to recapture the sex life we had when we were younger, so the other day, I sent her a dick pic, and she texted back, "Unsubscribe".
When my wife suggested we tried playing doctors and nurses, I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days.
Whenever my wife says that she fancies an early night, I know that means sexy time, cos I can stay up late watching porn.
My wife bought herself a rampant rabbit.
I wouldn't say it's her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely up there.
When my wife's away, my favourite thing to do is to poo with the door open, and really surprise the postman.
I like to think of my wife as a trophy wife, cos her ears stick out and she's got the previous winners' names tattooed down her back.
APPLAUSE When I suggested to my wife we try using a strap-on, she was right behind me.
Of course, the best part of having an argument is making up afterwards with hot, angry sex.
But if anything, that made the traffic warden even more cross.
You have to be careful on the roads at this time of the year, don't you? I had a very stressful journey getting here today.
All the way, this lorry driver was right up my arse, but it was nice of him to give me a lift.
The things I'll do for a Yorkie.
I don't carry a donor card.
I find it depressing enough, the amount of women who've rejected my organ whilst I'm alive.
I was at the dentist.
He said, "I have to warn you, this is going to hurt.
" I said, "What is it?" He said, "Your wife thinks I've got a bigger cock.
" I said, "You think that, "but she doesn't know which way round to hold a ruler.
" Did you know, if you were to take Katie Hopkins' head and put it on Piers Morgan's body, they'd both die, which is good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Apollo, you have been absolutely lovely.
Thank you very much and Happy Christmas.
I've been Gary Delaney.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up for Gary Delaney.
Have you had a lovely time? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much for coming.
Please, join me in thanking our excellent guests.
We've had Ahir Shah, Laura Lexx, and Gary Delaney.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Sarah Millican.
Merry Christmas and goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
Welcome to Live at the Apollo! CHEERING And Merry Christmas.
WHOOPING Christmas is a lovely time for families, isn't it? I took I took my mam shopping.
My mam's in a wheelchair, we went into a department store and went into the disabled toilet within the department store.
And me mam did a wee and I thought, "While I'm in, I'll have a quick wee as well.
" But I knew I needed to fart at the same time.
The toilet was on a very busy thoroughfare, a lot of people going past that door.
So I said to my mam, I said, "Do us a favour, Mam.
" She said, "What?" I said, "Clap.
" I don't know why I said that.
I think I thought the noise would have drowned it out.
Also, I am very comfortable with applause, this is my job after all.
So she did, she went like this She did one.
I said, "How good do you think my timing is, Mam?" The problem we had is when she clapped, the lights went off.
But luckily, I did a big loud fart and they came back on again! I've got one sister, it's just the two of us.
My sister is six years older than me.
When she was a teenager, she used to talk very slang, very Geordie slang.
And my mam didn't like it, so my mam would correct her.
And me being the little shitty sister, I would help.
So if my sister said, "I'm gan oot," my mam would correct her and say, "I'm going out.
" My sister would have to repeat, "I'm going out," before she was allowed to go out.
And I'd just be standing beside them both saying, "I'm going out," like the arsehole that I was.
There was a time my sister was really ill, she had a really bad finger, she went to hospital with my mam.
They came back in from A&E, and I said to my sister, "What's the matter with your finger, then?" And she said, "Oh, they said it's gangrene.
" And I'd genuinely said, "GOING green.
" Like, I properly thought a medical doctor had gone, "That's gan green, "then it's gonna gan broon, then it's gonna fall off.
" I've got a little dog, he's adorable, he's a rescue dog, he's very sweet.
He does bark at all other dogs, that's the one problem we have with him, he will bark at all of the dogs.
But I just use the fact that he's a rescue, if that comes up.
So, say I'm out walking him and he barks at another dog, the other owner will look at me like, "Control your dog!" And I'll just turn to her and I'll say, "I'm really sorry, but he's a rescue.
" And then she'll turn to me and she'll say, "I'm so sorry for what he's been through.
" When the truth is, his owner died and we got him, that's what he's been through.
You can't do that with blokes, can you? If a bloke's fighting in a pub, you can't go, "I'm really sorry, but he's a rescue.
"Just found him wandering round Debenhams on his own.
"And we've checked and he's not married, "because he hasn't been chipped.
" The dog hurt his paw a few months ago, hurt his paw, so I rang the vet, it was out of hours, so I got put straight through to the vet herself, she said, "What's the problem?" I said, "The dog's hurt his paw.
" She said, "Which paw?" And I said, "It's his left hand.
" She said, "His what?" I said, "His left hand.
" She said, "Do you mean his foreleg?" I said, "I don't know, I didn't go to university "like you did, flower.
To me, it's his left hand.
" I know what you're thinking - you think I humanised the dog, I know that's what you're thinking.
Shut up, I don't, I don't humanise him, I don't.
So I took his little waistcoat off and I took him to the vet Got him all bandaged up, and I brought him home, my husband was working away at the time, and I thought, "I should ring him, let him know what's going on.
" My husband said, "What's the matter?" I said, "The dog's hurt his paw.
" And my husband said, "Which paw?" And I thought, what is the fascination with which paw? It's not like it's the one he writes with.
I said it was his left hand.
And my husband said, "His what?" I said, "His left hand.
" He said, "Ah, you mean front passenger side?" The dog sleeps downstairs, his choice, he sleeps on the sofa.
And then in the morning, when he wakes up, he comes up to our bedroom, and every single day, he asks permission to get on the bed.
He pats the side of the bed with both hands.
Hands! And I wake up and I go, "Go on, then.
" And he jumps up on the bed and sort of little spoons me, kind of lies here like this, it's very sweet.
We all fall back asleep again for another half an hour, it's adorable.
The other day, though, having fallen back to sleep again, I woke up because he was growling, and I thought, "What's he growling at? What's going on here?" What had happened, because they're sort of loose in the night, one of my boobs had landed on his head.
The dog is very little, my tits are not.
GROWLS Poor little bugger.
He's lucky he didn't get caught between them, he'd be dead.
I like to break out the board games this time of year.
I Not long ago, I played a game of Jenga with some friends.
And a couple of days after that, I was talking to my dad on the phone.
I thought, "I'll tell him about it.
" Then I thought, "I don't know if my dad knows "what Jenga is, he's in his 70s, I don't know "when it first became popular.
" So I thought, "I'll ask him.
" So I said, "Dad, do you know what Jenga is?" And he said, "Yeah, yeah, like sex.
" I said, "Jenga.
" He said, "Sex.
" I had so many questions, and I didn't want any of the answers.
I said to him, "Can I ask which word you think I'm saying?" And he said, "Yeah, gender.
" I was like, "Oh, thank Christ for that!" I had a horrible idea that that's what him and my mam called it.
He's trying to pull himself out without toppling her over.
A few months ago, I went for a bra fitting.
Give us a "whoo" if you've ever for a bra fitting.
TOGETHER: Whoo! Give us a "whoo" if you did not enjoy it.
TOGETHER: Whoo! Exactly the same people again.
It's quite an odd experience, isn't it? I've been touring and asking the women in my audiences what they didn't like about their bra fitting.
One lady shouted out, "Cold hands!" That's what she said, "I didn't like the cold hands.
" And I get it, because they have to touch you at various times and cold hands aren't very pleasant to touch.
But I had a think about it - I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands.
Warm hands kind of ick me out.
Warm hands imply to me that they've been doing this "Oh, Sheila, I've seen my ten o'clock, I cannot wait.
" There was another lady shouted out, I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fitting?" She said, "It was embarrassing.
" I said, "Of course it's embarrassing, flower, "but was there one moment that was worse than the rest?" She said, "Oh, yes.
"When I took my bra off, two bits of popcorn fell out.
" And one lady shouted out that she thought there were too many mirrors, and I get that, I think there are too many mirrors in those cubicles.
Because when I went for mine, the lady said to me, "And would you like to look at the back of the bra?" And I thought, "No.
" Then I thought, "I wonder if I'm missing out on something," so I had a look.
Turns out I've got back tits as well.
Didn't know about those.
Thanks for pointing them out, you cow.
I'm surprised she didn't try and sell me a bra for the back ones an' all.
I'll tell you what happened to me - every now and again, I have to have a photo shoot.
Now, I hate photo shoots, I have really bad body image issues.
So a photo shoot for someone like me is a nightmare, but sometimes they are unavoidable.
I had two in the space of a fortnight - one for the cover of my book and one for the poster for my tour.
And I had a lady who was helping me pick some clothes for the photo shoots.
And I said to her, "I don't have the time or indeed "the inclination to lose any weight, but could you recommend "anything that might make me look a bit better? And she said, "Go for a bra fitting, "a properly fitted bra will knock pounds off you.
" And I said, "How many bras could I wear?" Front tits, back tits, arse cheeks maybe? I don't know.
The place she recommended to me was until about three months ago known as the Queen's bra fitter, which I find quite an odd boast, don't you? "Oh, we do the Queen's bras, we do the Queen's bras here.
" I find that such an odd boast.
I've never once watched Trooping the Colour on the telly and thought, "Oh, I wish I had tits like hers.
" I made an appointment at the place she recommended, I went along to the appointment, I went into the cubicle with the lady I'd made the appointment with, and I took off my top and I had my best bra on you always wear your best one, don't you? That's what I said, "This is my best fitting bra.
" And she went like this "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" She said, "That's what everyone says.
" I said, "Well, maybe that's what everyone means.
" We didn't hit it off at all, it was eggy from the get-go.
She said, "What we need to do with those two" Those two, like they're separate from my person "What we need to do with those two is lift and separate.
" Lift and separate.
I said, "Don't separate them too much, cos that's what "it looks like when I'm in bed.
" The way she was talking, it sounded like she wanted them to look like a travel pillow.
She gave me a bra to try on, and I said to her, "Would you mind stepping out while I put on the bra, "and when I've got it on, I'll shout you back in?" She looked utterly perplexed at this.
She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years.
" I said, "Well, I haven't been doing this for 30 years.
" Then I thought, "Showing my boobs to strangers? "Probably a good 25.
" But I didn't want to add her to my list of people who've seen my tits.
There's not that many people on my list - just a handful of blokes and a window cleaner once by accident.
So we got a bra that fit and she tightened up the straps, because I had them on comfy setting, you know, where they just sort of graze your belly.
Oh, I love that.
Thank God I've got a belly, otherwise they'd hit the deck.
But she tightened up the straps to where they're supposed to be, and then she put one finger under the strap at the top, she put one finger underneath, and she said, "This is the rule - "you're supposed to be able to only get one finger under the strap.
" And then she looked at me for a response.
I don't know why I said the following, but when she said, "One finger, that's the rule, one finger" And I said, "Oh, that's interesting, "because it's two for a dog's collar.
" Why the fuck did I say that?! And to make it worse, I then said, "Are you trying to stop me from losing my boobs in the park?" Why am I still talking? Shut up! But there was one lady, and I asked, "Why didn't you like your bra fitting?" She was an older lady, and she said, "When I took my bra off, "my boobs went down like that, so they just measured my waist.
" Another lady said, "I didn't like it, "because I didn't know the etiquette "and I took my bra off too early.
" How was that? Was she still on the bloody bus? I was in I was in hospital last Christmas, not for very long, not for anything serious, they gave me one of those gowns, you know, that doesn't quite shut at the back.
She said, "The next thing we need from you is a urine sample.
" Give us a "whoo" if you've ever given a urine sample.
TOGETHER: Whoo! Give us a "whoo" those of you who are women.
TOGETHER: Whoo! It's tricky, isn't it? She gave me a bottle with a neck like that.
And I thought, "Well, I'll wait until she brings the funnel.
" No funnel came.
And I thought, "How am I supposed to hit that with my twin jets?" Now, I don't want to tell you too much about me down there.
Suffice to say it's not a '70s bush by any means.
But it's also not child bald.
Put it this way, there's just enough hair to put a paedophile off.
Still made this quite tricky.
So I put it in position, started my wee - wee came out of a different area.
I stopped my wee, I moved into that area, I started my wee again, wee came out of a third area! It was like somebody was pouring juice through a hedge.
I felt like I was on The Cube.
And then she said, "The next thing we need to know "is what size you are for the DVT tights," you know, the sort of stockings you put on after you've had surgery? I said, "OK.
" She came along with a variety of sizes.
She said, "We'll start with a size small.
" And I thought, "Oh, somebody's got time to kill.
" I'm somewhat of a large person.
But I tried the small on and they fit, they fit! I'm a small in hospital.
I must have had such an odd expression on my face.
Because she said, "Are you all right?" I just went, "Why aren't you a shop?" But then she gave me the paper knickers, you know the paper knickers they make you wear? My husband said, "I find them quite sexy.
" I said, "Do you? Why?" He said, "I think I could rip them off.
" Just so you know, if you do a fart in them, same thing happens.
What a delight of an audience you are, we're going to have a cracking show.
Are you ready for your first act? CHEERING Your first act is an incredibly funny man, he is top of my Christmas card list, please welcome the very funny Ahir Shah! # You were handsome You were pretty # Queen of New York City # When the band finished playing, they howled out for more Sinatra was swinging Hello! Hello, hello, Merry Christmas, Apollo.
Are we well? CHEERING Fantastic, good to hear.
My name is Ahir Shah.
We'll clear up the obvious to begin with - I realise that I sound as though I've been colonised by my own voice.
It's a particularly odd way to sound in London, right? London, just a city dragging itself up by its cranes to ever new heights of unaffordability.
It's been that way for years now.
It's just a playground for the super-wealthy and their offspring.
And I'm not from that sort of background myself, regardless of what you may think from the way that I just pronounced the word "years".
It's just a voice.
This is genuinely true.
During the last year for which I have available data, the high school I went to sent more people to Isis than Oxbridge.
Let you guess which way I went.
Pleasure to be here.
Allahu akbar, lock the doors.
You might think the last line's obviously a joke.
I'll get letters.
Genuinely, I get strangers anonymously contacting me online, insisting that I want to impose Sharia law on the West, which, as the atheist son of Hindu parents, makes me feel ever so naughty.
Sharia, moi? And now look at me - regular guy on the BBC at Christmas time.
Yeah, yeah.
CHEERING Although, admittedly, owing to the BBC's diversity regulations, because I'm on the bill, you now have to refer to it as Krishna time.
I know, right? O-M-Ganesh.
Lots of differences between the generations.
My favourite Christmas film is Die Hard.
My dad's still waiting for the Hindu remake - Die Hard, Get Reincarnated, Die Even Harder.
It's been an interesting time this year, lots of changes in my area at the moment.
My part of London is undergoing a lot of rapid gentrification, they call it.
I don't know if I can be a gentrifier, because I've gentrified places in the past.
I work in the arts, don't get me wrong.
I remember a while ago I lived in a place called Streatham in south London, and when I came towards the end of my tenancy, I remember walking to the station and realising that overnight, a minicab office had been replaced by a vegan bakery, and I was like, "My work here is done.
" It's different from the way that it used to be.
When my grandparents came to this country, my grandparents came to this country with nothing, and yet, they were able to start a family here, they were able to build a life for them, they were able to own property, largely because they drove down house prices in every neighbourhood that they went to.
But they were able Property It's not like that any more for the different generations, right? So, what do the young people do? You wait.
You're probably watching this at home, all the generations together at last at Krishna time.
All of the young people waiting for a grandparent to cough and hoping that that's what's finally going to get them on the property ladder.
The problem is, as with any kind of inequality, with intergenerational inequality, the deck is stacked, and we pretend it's a question of priorities that's made outcomes not identical.
The number of times I've heard, "Oh, you're worried you'll never get "on the housing ladder, but you'll spend £3 on one of your fancy coffees.
" "Oh, you'll never get the little flat, but you'll spend £3 on one of your fancy coffees.
" Bruv, that's cos you bought all the £3 houses! A few of those left, I'd prioritise that over a gingerbread latte.
That is not the world that we currently live in.
Guys, I currently, as an individual, earn more than both of my parents did put together, adjusted in real terms when 23 years ago they bought a four-bedroom detached house in North London.
The problem is my fondness for brunch.
Sure.
It's been an interesting year all round for me.
Last Christmas, I came off long-term medication for Basically, for most of my life, I've been, like, emosh.
But earlier in my 20s, I was diagnosed as being clinically totes emosh.
But basically, it was good for me.
I was able to talk to someone when I needed to, because my GP is a very old family friend.
Obviously.
And so, I was on medication for quite a while.
My GP came to my last show with his wife, and apparently, at one stage, his wife leant over to him and said, "Is this part of it, or is he having a breakdown?" To which my GP apparently responded, "I'm not legally allowed to say.
" But last Christmas, we came off the medication.
He was very reasonable about it.
"Initially, we can reduce dosage, "we'll just do things you're comfortable with, "but maybe we'll start to look at other things in life, "maybe we come off the drugs, maybe we come off the" Every time he used the word "we", I felt like a woman whose husband was insisting that we're pregnant.
He's like, "Maybe we come off the drugs.
" I'm like, mate, I'm the one who has to go through unimaginable pain here.
All you did was come inside me without a condom on.
He did not do that.
It's very important that you know that at no stage did my GP do This is on the BBC at Christmas.
They need to know that he did not do that.
I am very worried I am very close to becoming intensely religious.
Which would be so annoying, because it's definitely bollocks.
The problem is, right, as a human being, you have all of these questions about life, the universe and everything.
The number of questions that you have grows exponentially over time.
I am a young person.
I've already got all of these questions, and I know that year-on-year, more and more questions are going to come at me like an avalanche, and I know that during that entire process, religion is just there, being like "When you're ready.
" "I couldn't help but overhear that you've got some questions.
"Thought you might like to know that we have existed "for thousands of years to provide literally every answer.
"So, if at any stage you want to thumb through a brochure "They are all bestsellers in their own right.
" "Where did you get the answers?" "Don't worry about it.
" "No, no, I'd like to know.
Where did you get those answers?" "We made them up to control people.
Fine.
"Why is that bad? Why is that bad? "Haven't you found total intellectual freedom paradoxically alienating, "and wouldn't you wilfully give up some control in exchange "for answers, even if in total it meant a net loss of freedom?" "Yes.
" I don't even know what religion I'd go for if I went for one.
I'm basically a Christian, through socialisation, and there's nothing I could have done about it, you know.
Why not? At this time of year particularly.
It's Christmas, I should just be a Christian.
I'll be a Christian.
The left-wing religion that right-wing people inexplicably love.
Maybe I could go the other way.
I could be a Muslim, the right-wing religion that left-wing people inexplicably love.
Never understood that.
Never understood the people who were like, "I think Jesus "wanted me to have the AR-15 so I could hunt people "if they can't afford health care.
" "Really? Is that really what he said? Really? "You spend more time in the building than I do, "but that does sound off-brand.
" Equally, always a bit suspicious of the people who are like, "When you get to the violent bits of the Koran, "you've just got to read it in a sarcastic voice.
" Sure.
Sure.
Probably I'd be a Hindu.
Hinduism is fascinating, because Hinduism is the most spectacular form of totalitarian social control that has ever been devised on the face of this Earth, but most of you don't know anything about that, so you're just, like, elephants! Seriously, you get something like the caste system - stain on humanity, right? Know your place in a rigid hierarchy on pain of your soul.
Never question why so few have everything and the rest of you are left to scrabble in dirt for scraps and no-one will even touch you, cos that's what God wants.
That's what God wants.
The American dream - "I could be anybody!" The Hindu dream - "Ah, maybe next time.
" Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.
My name's Ahir Shah.
Have a wonderful Krishna time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up one more time for Ahir Shah! Are you ready for your next act? ALL: Yes! Your next act is very funny woman.
She's the shiniest bauble on the Christmas tree.
Please give it up for Laura Lexx! # Snow is fallin' all around me Children playin', havin' fun Hiya.
Whoo! Blimey, this is all right, isn't it? Merry Christmas.
CHEERING I love Christmas, right? My favourite bit of Christmas Day is that bit just after the meal.
You know when you've eaten so much that you're basically lying in the starfish position on the sofa, sort of like something's got to come out of my body in a minute, and I don't know if it's going to be turkey or the way I feel about my mother.
One of them's easier to clean up after than the other, do you know what I mean? "Don't ruin the whole thing!" I love Christmas.
I always jet back to the West Country for Christmas.
I'm from Somerset, you see.
I know I don't have the accent.
We've got Yeah! People always wonder why you don't have the accent, but my parents aren't from there, so I'm not very Somerset-y, and when I left primary school, I was actually voted girl least likely to have her brother's baby.
That's so sweet.
I live in Brighton these days, me and my husband.
We jet down to the West Country.
I'm just going to give you a quick second with that, cos I've mentioned Brighton, husband and I've got this haircut.
Catch up.
Shove your stereotypes back where they came from.
I know, the problem is, I don't like pointing it out, but I have learned that if I don't mention I'm straight early on in a gig, half of you will sit there going, "I think she is, you know, cos she's got that bit there.
"That's what they do, isn't it, to show each other?" But no Not this one.
I don't mind if you are, obviously.
Crack away, do what you like, but for me, I like an undercut, but I also like cock, so It's tough to know what to do, isn't it, babe? I have a husband, I love it.
Give me a cheer if you're in love.
CHEERING Being in love is incredible.
Being in love, it feels like central heating, you know? You turn it on before guests come over and pretend it's like this all the time.
I love being in love.
I think I'm lucky, though, cos me and my husband don't argue that much.
The only thing we normally argue over is the duvet, and that's all right, isn't it? It's not the worst one.
The problem we have there is my fault.
It's me, I like sleep quite stretched out, like a starfish, you know, and my husband, he likes to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne.
Quite difficult to get used to, but She's very friendly, so I don't mind too much.
Makes a lovely scrambled egg if she stays over.
Christmas shopping does my head in.
That's the thing this year.
If you know me and you're watching this, your presents are all coming from one shop, cos it's the only shop I can go in without having a panic attack.
There is one shop on the high street, it's a soap shop, and you'll know the one I mean.
It's like an independent-y brand, and if you've ever been walking down the high street and suddenly thought to yourself, "Do you know what? I've got a cracking headache," you've just walked past this shop.
Yeah, it's that soap one and you can smell it.
You walk into any town centre, you go, "Yeah, yeah, they've got one.
"I can smell it, it's there.
" My advice, get up early in the morning, watch the staff going into work in there.
They all gather around outside, then one of them lets in a canary.
If it lasts more than 20 minutes, everybody's in.
I like that place, though.
I'm quite an environmentalist.
Of course I am.
I'm really big on not using single use plastic, all that stuff, cos I don't know, I'd like to have kids and I'd like them not to choke to death, so That's what I like about that shop.
Everything's recyclable in there, so you don't feel guilty.
It's like sex with somebody that sort of looks like your husband.
And you go in and you feel so fancy, cos you go and you say, "Hello, I'd like some shampoo, please," and then a 12-year-old in a tabard goes, "No, we don't sell shampoo here.
"We sell fudge putty for hair.
" "Oh, right, is that?" "Oh, yes, it's like shampoo, but ours is made from organic fairies, "and it's been shat out upon a bed of safe refugees here.
"We strain it through a well-funded NHS hospital "and then package it just for you.
" It's just an easy-going place, cos I find I don't like the department stores.
They freak me out, cos they're not as welcoming.
You know like if you go into a big one, like the cosmetics department, you go in through the double doors, and all of that department, it's all bright white, isn't it? All the shelves, it's all hard plastic and glass bits.
And for some reason, all the women that work on that department, they're all dressed like dentists.
Nobody knows why.
And then what's happened is, the cosmetics companies have freaked out about this.
They've clearly gone, "Oh, bollocks, what have we done here? "Oh, bloody hell.
"No-one's going to know we sell make-up.
"What are we going to do? Quick, get the dentists over here.
"Listen, ladies, ladies, listen.
We have royally buggered this.
"Listen, nobody's going to know we sell make-up, "cos this place looks like a hospital, and you're all "dressed like dentists, so, listen, "could you just do us a favour? "Could you just wear a little bit of everything that we sell?" If I can get through Christmas without screwing it up like I did last year Well, actually, technically, it was January that tripped me up last year.
So, some idiot that's been cut out of our family now bought me and my husband a set of bathroom scales for Christmas.
That's not an acceptable gift, is it? So, we ended up with this set of bathroom scales, got back from the Christmas period, got back to our flat, and we decided, hey, we're quite bored of an evening, let's weigh ourselves together.
Terrible idea, Laura.
I know, right? So, I went first.
I weighed myself.
I weighed sort of roughly what I was expecting to way, give or take half a tray of stuffing and my nephew's Advent calendar.
That's all right, that's OK, that's doing all right.
And then my husband weighed himself, right.
Now, just because you're looking at me, I'm not the world's biggest person.
I'm only five foot.
I have not married within my height range.
My logic was, if you're going to get one person for the rest of your life, get proper value for money.
Get yourself a decent one.
My husband, he's six foot three.
He's built like a brick shithouse, you know.
But, like, not toned.
More like a bread shithouse.
100%, honestly, but that's my taste in men down to the ground.
I'm not trying to fat shame him or body shame him.
Oh, my God, I fancy the pants off him.
I love him.
My taste in men, I don't care if you're blonde, brunette, bald, couldn't give a fuck.
I just like there to be a good danger of death if he rolls over in the night.
I love him.
He's my best one.
I love him to bits.
He's the best thing in my life, right? And he stepped on the scales, he weighed himself, and he clocked the number on those scales and looked devastated.
Now, I was standing in the bathroom doorway watching him, thinking, "Oh, my God.
" Like, the only way you could be that upset at the number looking back at you is if the last time you weighed yourself, there was a midwife in the room.
You haven't weighed yourself in a while, have you? I genuinely think he's gone through his whole life just assuming he's still 7lb 11oz.
It's the only way he could be this surprised.
He just looked gutted! And I was sort of stood there looking at him, thinking, "I don't want you to be upset about what you weigh.
" Like, what you weigh is so irrelevant.
Of all the things to worry about in the world, what you weigh doesn't mean anything.
Even if you are the most fitness, health-conscious person on the planet, what you weigh is no indicator of your muscle content or your fat content.
And people put such credence on it.
It's the one thing that we're allowed to be, like, braggy about.
You know, the number of people that, leading up to the Christmas parties, will be like, "Oh, I just want to lose those last 6lbs "before the office party.
" And you think, "God, if you would just focus on raising your IQ by those last" APPLAUSE .
.
by those last six points, you know, before the next election, we would be in such a better world.
And I was sort of stood there looking at him, and I thought, I don't want you to be upset about what you've weigh.
What I weigh has bothered me since I was about 15, since I first read a magazine.
I don't want you to have the same insecurity in your life.
I want to make you feel better.
So, I tried to make him feel better, but I got it wrong.
What I did, I thought I would .
.
Google things that also weighed the same amount as him.
What I thought would happen, right, in my defence, what I thought was, we'd find something cool that he weighed the same as, and then we'd both be like, "Fun.
"We shall now think about weight from a whole new" Anyway, long story short, it turns out, nobody wants to know that they weigh the same as a newborn elephant.
He's not talking to me.
Anyway, listen, you have been a wonderful audience.
Have a really lovely Christmas.
I've been Laura Lexx.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up for Laura Lexx! Are you ready for your final act? CHEERING Your final act is a very funny man.
He is the chocolate in my Advent calendar.
Please welcome the very funny Gary Delaney! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie Hello.
Happy Christmas.
CHEERING Thank you.
I'd like to start by saying, it's disappointing, given the size of the sign behind me, that Noel Edmonds hasn't even bothered to turn up! I went to buy a Christmas tree.
The guy said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?" I said, "No, I was thinking the living room.
" APPLAUSE Christmas morning, we'd always wake up and go, "Has he been? Has he been? Has he been?" Because we knew Dad wouldn't put the presents out until after he'd had a shit.
It wasn't the jingling of bells we listened out for in our house, believe you me.
Me and my little sister under the covers.
"I think I can hear Santa straining.
" "I think I can smell his reindeer.
" This year, I switched the lights on in Carlisle.
CHEERING It's nothing to do with Christmas, but they've got electricity now, so that's good.
I bought an Advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses.
Behind every door, somebody tells you to piss off.
APPLAUSE I bought a Travelodge Advent calendar.
It's still got chocolate in, but you can't open the windows.
I got a Microsoft Advent calendar.
You open too many windows at once, and they all shut again for no bloody reason.
APPLAUSE I took a "poll" recently, and 100% of people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
APPLAUSE Last week, I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12-year-olds, and I'm proud to say, I hit one of the little shits.
I remember one time the teacher asked me for a word with four "I"s, and I said Mississippi.
He said, "No, I mean, I want to have a word, you specky twat.
" A friend of mine's been suffering from paranoid delusions, and now he thinks he's a chocolate orange.
I worry he's going to be sectioned.
Poor Terry.
APPLAUSE I used to be a fortune-teller, but all I ever predicted was really cold winters.
Turned out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe.
In my last job, I just used to punch buttons all day, and that's why I'm no longer allowed to do panto.
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
APPLAUSE New Year is a time for getting healthier, isn't it? Next year, I've decided that I'm going to do dry January, and see if I can manage an entire month without any foreplay.
My golf instructor said I need to work on my follow-through.
I said, "Is it my swing?" He said, "No, you've got shit down the back of your trousers.
" I found out two new things this week.
One, sperm isn't actually good for your skin.
And two, my dermatologist has been struck off.
APPLAUSE My dad's been suffering from seizures.
So far, they've taken his car, his house and his boat.
My wife always cheats when she's on a diet.
She hides bars of chocolate all round the house and fucks other men.
One time, I went to A&E with a vacuum cleaner nozzle stuck up my arse.
The nurse said, "How did that happen?" I said, "Well, I was doing the vacuuming naked, "and I decided to stick the nozzle up my arse.
" You should have seen the look on Henry's face.
APPLAUSE And he'd only just come out the closet.
People who say that ketamine should be banned should get down off their high horse.
I've currently got a stalker, but you probably can't tell in these trousers.
Christmas is a time for all the family to get together, isn't it? This Christmas, I'm taking the whole family to Lapland, which is great, cos normally those clubs don't let kids in.
One time, I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch.
It was worth it just to see his little face light up.
Whenever I see a respected actor in panto, I always like to shout, "It's beneath you!" I don't like sex in the shower.
It's slippy, dangerous, and one of the worst things about prison.
Of course, Christmas can put a lot of strain on relationships, can't it? It really can, you know.
But my wife and I are a great match, because I've got a nine inch penis, and she doesn't know which way round to hold a ruler.
APPLAUSE I'm not saying my wife's embarrassed about me, but at our wedding, I was only invited to the evening do.
My wife says that if I carry on being so pedantic all the time, eventually I'll find I've got less and less friends.
I said, "No, I won't.
"I'll find that I've got fewer and fewer friends.
" That didn't help.
We've been trying to recapture the sex life we had when we were younger, so the other day, I sent her a dick pic, and she texted back, "Unsubscribe".
When my wife suggested we tried playing doctors and nurses, I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days.
Whenever my wife says that she fancies an early night, I know that means sexy time, cos I can stay up late watching porn.
My wife bought herself a rampant rabbit.
I wouldn't say it's her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely up there.
When my wife's away, my favourite thing to do is to poo with the door open, and really surprise the postman.
I like to think of my wife as a trophy wife, cos her ears stick out and she's got the previous winners' names tattooed down her back.
APPLAUSE When I suggested to my wife we try using a strap-on, she was right behind me.
Of course, the best part of having an argument is making up afterwards with hot, angry sex.
But if anything, that made the traffic warden even more cross.
You have to be careful on the roads at this time of the year, don't you? I had a very stressful journey getting here today.
All the way, this lorry driver was right up my arse, but it was nice of him to give me a lift.
The things I'll do for a Yorkie.
I don't carry a donor card.
I find it depressing enough, the amount of women who've rejected my organ whilst I'm alive.
I was at the dentist.
He said, "I have to warn you, this is going to hurt.
" I said, "What is it?" He said, "Your wife thinks I've got a bigger cock.
" I said, "You think that, "but she doesn't know which way round to hold a ruler.
" Did you know, if you were to take Katie Hopkins' head and put it on Piers Morgan's body, they'd both die, which is good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Apollo, you have been absolutely lovely.
Thank you very much and Happy Christmas.
I've been Gary Delaney.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up for Gary Delaney.
Have you had a lovely time? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much for coming.
Please, join me in thanking our excellent guests.
We've had Ahir Shah, Laura Lexx, and Gary Delaney.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Sarah Millican.
Merry Christmas and goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE