Living Biblically (2018) s01e10 Episode Script

Submit To Thy Husband

1 Hey, here they are.
So, guys, as you know, I am about to have a baby.
Wait, right now? Don't just sit there.
Push, Chip, push! (CHUCKLES) - Are you finished? - Yeah, I'm done.
(LAUGHS) So, once Leslie and I have this baby, I'm not gonna be able to rage with the fellas anymore.
Are we raging? This is raging? So I'd like to put together a poker game at my place tomorrow night.
Of course I'd like to invite you both, but I searched the Bible for some, you know, definitive rule about gambling, and I couldn't find any mention of poker.
Uh, oodles of sodomy, but no poker.
GIL: (CLEARS THROAT) Well, poker as we know it didn't exist until the 1800s, when crews in the basements of riverboats helped spread the game down the mighty Mississip.
You see, Chip, I'm, uh I'm something of an expert.
Never believe an expert who tells you riverboats had basements.
It's not a black-and-white issue, as is the case with many things in the Bible.
Smoking, music, dancing Wow, I didn't know those were gray areas.
Well, except for the dancing part.
You guys seen Footloose, right? Seen it? I lived it.
Fade in.
A young Gil Ableman discovers his love of dance.
Only problem is Gil's papa don't like dancing.
No, sir.
Gil's papa don't like dancing one bit.
Anyway, no.
Uh, there isn't anything specifically against poker in the Bible, Chip, so you can have your game.
And, oh, yes, we'll be there.
And if the feeling comes over us to dance Gil, enough! - Good morning, Ms.
- Can't chitchat.
My girlfriend is mad at me for liking a Rihanna bikini pic on Instagram.
As if Rihanna is gonna see my "like" and then fly me out to Barbados for the weekend.
Oh, I always like a picture of Rihanna in a bikini.
If I don't like them, she might stop posting them.
I can't take that chance.
Now she wants me to unfollow Rachel Maddow.
"I would rather die.
" Uh, you know, relationships can be tricky I said no chitchat.
Hey, Vince, you play poker? Sure.
I'm more of a Hungry Hungry Hippos man, but you knew that, Chip.
Why? Well, before my college buddies all started having babies, we used to have a really fun guys' night, where we'd pound a bunch of vodka lemonades and belt out some karaoke and just, you know, really be there for each other.
That's a girls' night, Chip.
Anyway, I-I want to start my own guys' night, you know, before Leslie and I have our baby.
So, can I count you in? Sure.
Who's coming? Uh, so far it's just my priest and my rabbi.
(LAUGHS) Oh, you serious.
Chip, that sounds awful.
Carson Daly gets better guests.
Come on, I really want you to hang with my new friends.
It'll be a blast.
With a priest and a rabbi? How? I won't be able to use my fun words.
No, you can still use your fun words.
I mean, you know, maybe not - your really fun words.
- Mm-hmm.
I heard something about a poker night? I suppose my invite got lost in the mail.
Everybody knows I love poker.
Hi, Warren.
Uh, actually, no, I didn't know that you love poker.
Well, I just told you.
So you did know.
What time shall I arrive? (LAUGHS): Come on, really? I mean, do you even like me? I do not.
But, as previously stated, I do love poker.
Or are you writers too fancy for the lowly security guard? No, man, we're not, we're not too fancy.
Oh, but I am lowly? Warren, we would love for you to come, okay? It's at my place tonight at 7:00.
I'll see if I can move some things around.
Aw, there she is.
(BOTH SIGH) - How was work? - Not great.
A man proposed to me mid-colonoscopy.
Well, good news.
Uh I just read something in the Bible that gave me a great idea for helping lighten your load once the baby comes.
Ooh, does it say that we should get a nanny? Ooh.
Can she have a British accent? Ooh.
Can it be Mrs.
Doubtfire? (CHUCKLES) No.
But the Bible does say that parents should be available for their children at all times.
So I got to thinking.
Why don't you just quit your stressful job and stay at home with our super cute baby? Huh? You want me to quit my job? I-I thought you'd be excited.
I mean, you come home from work every day completely worn out, and, plus, we'd save a ton of money on day care.
I mean, it makes a lot of sense.
But if we're going off what makes sense, I make more money than you.
So why wouldn't you quit your job? Oh, you're very angry.
Man, I thought I was being the hero here.
I mean, I I just assumed you'd quit your job 'cause you're the - The what, Chip? The woman? - (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, hey, the guys are here! Guess we'll never know what I was gonna say.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, we'll talk about what I know you were gonna say later.
Fake smiles in three, two, one.
- There they are! - (CHUCKLES) Come on in! Wow, that's a lot of teeth.
Hey, Les.
How's everything? Good, except Chip wants me to give up my career.
Can I get you guys anything to drink? - (CHIP GROANS) - Soda.
I brought homemade dip.
You're welcome.
Wow, Warren.
Um, it looks Is it used? Why is it so heavy? Why is it fizzing? It looks angry.
Surprise, surprise.
The fancy writers are also dip snobs.
Father, you'll try some of my dip, right? Oh, uh, sure, I'll try it.
Uh, you close your eyes, I'll try it, then you can open them up again.
I'll be in the bedroom, if the Bible is okay with that.
So, I'm getting my own soda or what? All right, guys.
So, since our poker expert over there forgot to bring the poker chips the long pretzels are a quarter, twisties are 50s, honey mustard, obviously a dollar.
Crap, I'm eating money? All right, boys.
The game's no-limit hold 'em.
The blinds are one and two.
Flops are gonna be nasty, and pocket rockets gonna get cracked.
(CHUCKLES) Hold on to your butts.
It's time to play.
Well, I should go check on Leslie.
I'm not sure if you guys picked up on it when you got here, but she's a little mad at me.
- No, get out of here.
- No, really? I picked up on it.
That woman is mad as hell.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Uh, uh, don't get up.
Wouldn't want to interrupt guys' night.
WARREN: See? Mad as hell.
All right, let's do this! Ms.
Meadows, what are you doing here? I was simultaneously shocked and appalled to hear that Ms.
Meadows wasn't invited tonight.
So I took care of that.
A priest, a rabbi, RoboCop over here, and now our boss.
Is this a poker game or an escape room? Wait a second.
This towering enchantress is your boss? Lucky you.
Are we playing cards or what? I got three grand burning a hole in my bra right now.
$3,000? We each bought in for $20.
20 bucks? What are you guys, poor? ALL: Yeah.
Well, screw this, then.
I'm gonna take my hooter loot and go down to Chinatown and play in a real game.
Hey, you know what? I would love not to be here.
How about you and I have a girls' night instead? I'm starving.
Sure, Leslie, let's go paint the town.
We can pound a couple of beers, eat some wings, hit on chicks.
(LAUGHS) See, Chip? That's a guys' night.
Today, 'cause of some Bible passage, Chip suggested that I quit my job to stay home with the baby.
- (LAUGHS): What? - Yeah.
As Chip's boss, I can guarantee you make more money than him.
As Chip's wife, I know.
Listen, I was brought up in the church, and you are just scratching the surface.
The Bible is so sexist towards women, it could be an episode of Entourage.
All religions are sexist.
When I was trapped in that cult, Kevin Excuse me, Supreme General Kevin Claimed the Book of Xander-Moon said it was the woman's duty to bathe him.
Bitch, like I can't see the Book of Xander-Moon was handwritten on the back of your phone bill.
What-what does the Bible say, exactly? I wasn't raised religious at all.
See for yourself.
I just Googled "Bible verses about women" "A shameless woman shall be counted as a dog"? "The whoredom of a woman may be known in her haughty looks and eyelids"? Actual Bible verses.
I can't believe this.
I also can't believe "whoredom" is an actual word.
Yeah, like Jenna from Pilates class? That whore dumb.
All right.
Listen to this.
Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit yourself unto your husbands.
For the husband is the head of the wife" "Submit"? Chip can't even pay bills without me.
"Uh, which one is the routing number and which is the account number?" - You're 40.
- (SNORTS) Yeah, well, brace yourself for more of that.
My dad is a huge Bible-thumper, and when I got my first writing job, he told me that the death of society was a working woman.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
But Chip is not like that; he would never treat me that way.
But then again, I bet you never thought he'd stone an adulterer either, right? - That's true.
- Or ask you to quit your job? Gracie! We're gonna need two margaritas over here.
Oh, I can't drink.
Yeah, I know.
Uh careful there, Chippy.
You just gave away the strength of your hand.
You see, many novice players like yourself have what we professionals call "a tell.
" Hmm.
(SQUEAKS) Damn it! (SIGHS) (GROANS) Leslie still hasn't texted me back.
Hey, what'd you do, anyway? Ugh.
I mean, it wasn't really even that bad.
You know, she came home from work really tired, like she does every day, and I told her about this Bible passage I read and, you know, suggested that she quit her job and just stay at home once the kid's born.
Ooh, that was dumb.
Yeah, now that I hear it out loud, it sounds really bad.
Well, listen, you know, your heart was in the right place.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
You'll fix it.
How is it that we've been playing for an hour and no one has so much as penetrated the protective skin of my delicious dip? I tried to, but it hissed at me.
This is a five-star dip.
And I'm gonna prove it to you haters right now.
(GULPS) (GAGS) Excuse me.
Well, I'm all in.
Yeah, lots of honey mustard out there, Gene.
You scared? I've been making eye contact with Warren's dip all night.
I'm not scared of anything.
- Two pair.
What do you got? - Ha! A straight! Pay up! That's not a straight.
What? Three, four, five, six, eight.
Crap! You cleaned me out.
You happy now? I don't have to be happy; I'm rich.
Out of money, out of pretzels, I'm out of pride I'm out of here.
I'm sorry for slamming the door! I had a lovely evening! Thank you! (SIGHS) Stop checking your phone, Chip.
Leslie's at girls' night.
I'm sure the last thing they're talking about is you.
(SIGHS) And one more thing about Chip.
He doesn't get to tell you what to do.
You got to set his ass straight.
And if it doesn't work out, you can join me on the Magic Mike-themed cruise I'm going on.
Honey, if it was Magic Michelle, I'd be all over that.
(LAUGHS) You know what, I'm gonna go home and let Chip know that if he wants a biblical wife, he is gonna get one.
Don't be scared, mama.
Leslie, buenas noches.
Hey, Gil.
I got to run.
One thing real quick before you go.
What's the deal with Chip's boss over here? Because the Gilmeister's newly single and, yes, he's ready to mingle, and that woman is tough.
(CHUCKLES) And I'll say it, Leslie.
I like tough.
You know, when I was a She's gone.
The Gilmeister's all alone.
But he doesn't have to be.
Well, sorry, boys.
I know this isn't much of a guys' night.
Um, maybe you two can distract me.
Vince, what's been up with you, man? Oh.
I'm dating this new girl.
It's going great.
- Yeah? - Last night, went and saw a movie, went back to her place, and Go on.
Then I walked her to the door, smiled and left.
Because we're not married, and that's what you do when you're not married.
It's okay, Vince.
Before I was a priest, I was just a regular guy like you.
Ah, homie got the ladies.
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah, homie did okay.
Well, there was one girl I got serious with: Ava Porter.
I was playing in a Bon Jovi cover band called Ron Jovi.
(CHUCKLES) My buddy Ron was the lead singer.
Decent chops.
Mutton chops.
Bad singer.
Anyway I eventually saved up enough money for an engagement ring.
What? Genie! You were engaged? I had no idea.
Oh, I can't wait to hear how this turns out.
I'm a priest, Vince, so clearly not well.
(LAUGHTER) (GROANS) Still nothing.
I tell you, the Bible really failed me on this one, Gene.
Thanks a lot, God.
May be blaming the wrong dude here.
Why do you always take God's side? The Bible was written at a time when men were in charge.
Now, in our society, it's more fifty-fifty.
You may want to try a more modern interpretation.
Like how I interpret the speed limit.
They post the signs, and then I just drive as fast as I want.
Not exactly.
But don't worry about Leslie.
I-I'm sure she's calmed down about the whole thing.
Good evening, husband.
Girls' night was great fun.
Thank you for allowing me to go.
Then again, I've been wrong before.
(DOOR CLOSES) How was your game? Oh.
You didn't bet me, did you? I am your property, after all.
This feels like a family matter.
I'm gonna go.
- See you Sunday, Chip.
- Yeah.
Hey, don't leave me here.
Want to get a nightcap? Does the Pope wear a funny hat? (CHUCKLES) I honestly don't know.
Okay, Les, look, about suggesting that you quit your job No.
Me first.
I have stood by you and been supportive since you started this Bible thing.
Very supportive.
Like, Anthony Weiner's wife supportive.
You-you absolutely have.
And I don't want to quit my job.
And I don't think that makes me a bad mom, - no matter what your book says.
- No.
What? You could never be a bad mom.
Okay? That's one of the main reasons I love you.
Right behind your slammin' bod.
I work out.
No, but help me out here, okay? If you're following the Bible 100% and the Bible says that a wife must submit to her husband, - then what am I supposed to think here? - (GROANS) Look, the Bible is amazing, okay? But when it comes to us, I want to live by a more modern interpretation, okay? A married couple should submit to one another.
And so I submit to you, too.
I like that.
Right? Look, the only reason I suggested that you quit your job was because I want our baby to grow up to be a good person, and I just figured that the best shot of that happening is if it's around you as much as humanly possible.
- Damn, you're good at fighting.
- (CHUCKLES) (TOILET FLUSHING) For the love of all that is holy, do not eat my dip.
My Uber's here.
Good hang, Gil.
Thanks for the drinks.
Meadows you're a delight.
Might I, uh, walk you home? Walk me home? Like, to protect me? No, just a gentleman's gesture.
- That could perhaps lead - Dude, I'm a lesbian.
I support that fully.
My mother's a lesbian.
But thanks.
Tough break, Rabbi.
But let's be real.
She would've tore you up.