Living Biblically (2018) s01e11 Episode Script

Thou Shalt Not Covet

1 My name is Chip.
Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.
My best friend died out of nowhere.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
- And my wife, well - Your girl's pregnant.
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, but it's helped so many, and I needed help.
I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible.
- To the letter.
- (LAUGHS) I get that reaction a lot.
But with the help of my God Squad, I'm becoming a better man, one verse at a time.
I am living biblically.
- Woah! - Come on, baby.
- Yeah! - Yes! Yeah.
Come on, Nets.
Let's go, baby.
What is it about the Knicks - that just makes them so easy to hate? - Mm.
As a priest, I can't really say I "hate" anything.
Except, of course, the Knicks.
- (LAUGHS) - Yeah.
- Most obnoxious fans in the NBA.
- Ugh.
(CRIES OUT) (GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY) (VOCALIZING) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! (HUMMING) (WHOOPS) Huh? Let's go, Knicks! What-what are we? Okay, are we rooting for the Nets? - Yeah.
- Oh, man.
(ALL GROAN) Hey, question.
- After Porzingis hit that three - (EXHALES) he pointed towards the sky to thank God.
Like, what is that? It's not like God passed him the ball.
If the player is thanking God for literally guiding the rock into the old peach basket, - well, that's the wrong idea.
- Mm.
GENE: On the other hand, if he's humbly thanking God for his athletic gifts and acknowledging that it's not all about him, I'm okay with that.
- Mm.
- I like to think God doesn't care about trivial things.
I mean, if he did, the Shamrock Shake would be available all year-round.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh, Daddy, I been praying for that.
Pray for a year-round McRib, too, would you? Oh.
I know, right? It's like, they can do it They just won't.
(LAUGHS) The important thing is to think of God as less of a point guard and more of a coach who watches over us and guides us and leads us to be better players.
All right, question.
For tomorrow's Rangers-Devils game, we are rooting for the Devils, right? You're asking a priest if he's rooting for the Devils.
Ah, now I got to go back to the store.
Hey, Rabbi.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Yeah? - Forgot your fake ball.
What is going on? What's wrong with your hand? I got Tinder finger.
Been swiping so much recently, I had to ice this bad boy down.
Being single is harder than it looks.
MEADOWS: All right, people.
Listen up! For once, I have got some good news about the newspaper.
Hey, the Internet's been uninvented so people will actually read it.
(SCOFFS) I wish.
No, I was gonna say that the nominations for the Douglas J.
Flecken Journalism Awards just came out, and we are "flecken" killing it with two of our very own being nominated.
All right, gang.
- Yeah.
- (WHOOPING) First we've got Chip's "Living Biblically" column.
- (LAUGHS) - Makes sense because it's playing huge in the dork community.
And we have got one for Vince's stellar reporting of the capture of the Staten Island Strangler.
- Hey! - (LAUGHS): Yeah! Hey, I guess you could say I'm killing it! - Cause he killed all those people.
- Yeah, we got it.
All right, you guys.
Good luck.
You're gonna need it, because every year this award goes to that pretentious nympho who writes that "New York Nooky" column, so "New York Nooky"? All her columns are the same.
- We get it.
You like to be on top.
- (CHUCKLES) I know, right? It's just a bunch of cheap sex puns.
I mean, "Erectoral College"? What does that even mean? "Erectoral.
" (SNICKERS) You talking about "New York Nooky"? My wife and I are big fans.
It's led to some very spirited lovemaking sessions.
Much like the fruit in my yogurt cup, I like to be on bottom.
Warren, you read that column? What? Just cause I'm black, I don't read? I'm black, too.
I can see that.
Are you saying that I'm blind 'cause I'm black? What?! Mm-hmm.
- (SIGHS) - Wow, man, this is so cool.
I mean, the last time I was nominated for anything was "best hair" in high school, and I didn't even win.
Jeremy Bliggenstorfer did with his beautiful blonde curls.
Yeah, but where are you now, Jeremy? Oh, right, bald.
Guess I won in the end, huh, Jer? You should not still be so angry about losing "best hair" 20 years ago.
I'm working through it.
But look, when it comes to this award, may the best man win.
I'm sure he will.
Me, too.
We're both talking about ourselves, aren't we? Yes, we are.
Now we're just holding hands.
I love our religious debates, Gil, I really do, but in this case, you're dead wrong.
Noah's ark could not have had a glass bottom.
But just for fun, let's pretend that it did, - okay? - (SIGHS) I think the animals would have loved it.
I mean, hey, when does a giraffe ever get to see a whale? The whale was on the ark, too.
Okay, Father Einstein, tell me, why would a whale need protection from a flood? Hmm? Whales love water.
To be continued.
You've been saying that for ten years.
Can we please just end this? (SIGHS) Guys (CHUCKLES) I've got some really cool news.
Your boy's "Living Biblically" column just got nominated for a pretty substantial writing award.
Oh, my gosh, a Pulitzer? (LAUGHING): No, not quite.
A MacArthur Genius? Stop guessing better things.
It's the Douglas J.
Flecken Award.
- Oh! Look at you! - (CHIP LAUGHS) - Up for the David B - What? - Was it David? - It wasn't no.
Look, the name is not important, okay? But I really want to win it.
You know, I'd get a lot of attention from it, and the trophy's so cool.
It's a silver typewriter.
You know, it'd be fun to throw a little pic of it up on Facebook.
You know for all my haters.
(CHUCKLES) You sure you're big enough to have haters? Apparently.
Well, now, you have to be careful there, Chippy.
Yeah, the Bible's fine with winning awards, but it explicitly states "thou shalt not covet.
" Mmm.
It sounds like you might be coveting this award.
Coveting does not end well.
I mean, look-look at the, the story of Joseph and his coat of many colors.
- (CHUCKLES) You know how that ended.
- Yeah.
With a lavish Broadway musical? I saw it on ice.
I tell you, that stage may have been cold, but those moves were red-hot.
I meant that Joseph's brothers covet the coat so much that they beat him, leave him for dead, and he ends up being sold into slavery.
Didn't sound that sad when they were singing about it.
Chip, you need to find a way to be content with a job well done.
That should be the award.
I really want that little typewriter.
Take a step back and try to appreciate the fact that compared to your family, your friends, your health, your faith, this award is as meaningless as knowing if Noah's ark had a glass bottom.
Which it may have had.
But, you know, we weren't there, so we ll never, ever know.
Wait, are we, are we saying, like, a glass bottom on Noah's ark? Cause, I mean, that would be kind of cool.
Like, the zebras could look at the fishes.
The fish were on the ark! How am I supposed to go to an award show where I am nominated and not covet the award? It's like going to Sizzler and pretending I don't want to hit that salad bar so hard.
(SIGHS) Chip, you're already a much better person because of the Bible.
Can't you just give yourself the night off? The night off? From the Ten Commandments? So what, coveting, stealing, killing Just all okay? (SCOFFS) This isn't The Purge, Les.
Or The Purge 2: Anarchy or The Purge 3: Election Year or the just announced Purge 4: Purge It, Purge It Real Good.
I am not suggesting that you go out and murder a stranger, Chip.
I'm just saying give yourself a break.
How about this.
Instead of coveting the award for yourself, why not root for your best friend? Oh, hey.
That's a great idea, babe.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Yeah, okay, so so I ll just put all my coveting energy into hoping Vince wins my award The award.
(INHALES, WHOOPS) This is your big night, boys.
- Are you ready for it? - Yeah.
Chip? You ready to lose? Yes.
Huh? I want you to win this award, Vince.
I do.
I am rooting for you.
Because, you see, I have turned over a new leaf.
What the hell is that? God selling merch now? I know this hat's a little weird Tilda Swinton's a little weird.
That hat's a lot of weird.
But being nominated for this award has brought up some very strong feelings of coveting, and I need to be better.
You know you look like a moron, right? Which means everybody thinks I hired a moron, which makes me look like a moron.
I feel like there's a little splash of moron on me here, as well.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen And also the staff of Time Out New York.
Doesn't cost anything to laugh, gang.
Thank you for coming out.
You all look beautiful tonight.
Or am I not allowed to say that in this climate? Yikes.
A swing and a miss.
Look, I am sorry about the hat, but I have to wear it to remind myself not to covet.
You can't even see it it's on your head, you ding-dong! And now, it is my pleasure to announce this year's winner of the Douglas J.
Flecken Journalism Award.
All right, you got this, buddy.
Root for yourself, you weirdo.
Sweet Vince, the satisfaction of a job well done is my award.
You see, I have mastered coveting.
I can honestly say with 100% certainty that I don't want this award.
And the winner is the New York Arrow's Chip Curry! Oh-ho-ho! I knew it! I knew it, baby! Ah! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! (LAUGHS) (CACKLES) Oh, you.
Wow, it's actually a lot heavier than I thought it'd be.
(ALL CHUCKLING, CHATTERING) That you laugh at? Uh two months ago, I started living my life 100% by the Bible, and that, uh, ended up being the genesis Pun very much intended For my "Living Biblically" column.
So obviously, I got to thank God.
You made this happen, big guy.
Ha-ha! (WHISPERS): That jackass is still wearing his "Thou shalt not covet" hat.
That jackass also just won an award and didn't hug his wife.
We are so lucky as writers, to get to do what we do.
I was given a gift.
The gift of my craft.
And, um well, frankly, it would be a crime not to unwrap that gift.
(CRYING, SNIFFLING): I said I wasn't When I was 11 years old, I Mr.
Curry, there's been a mistake.
Excuse me, I'm trying to give a speech here, guy.
I read the nomination card by accident.
You didn't win.
CHIP: What? The actual winner is the New York Arrow's Vince Young! - Oh! - Yay! Nice job! Ah, tough break, Chip.
Thou shalt sit down.
Hey, look he didn't kill himself.
Warren, you owe me five bucks.
I'm surprised to see you here, Chip.
I thought you'd be at home unwrapping your craft.
All right, go ahead, go ahead, everybody laugh it up.
- It's okay.
I deserve it.
- Get over here, Chip.
- We celebrating my win.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember that? When you ran up on stage last night and got La La Land-ed? (CHUCKLES) Yes, I remember.
I also remember La La Land being a pretty great film.
Really? A movie about jazz starring 9,000 white people.
I was telling myself I wasn't coveting.
Obviously, I was coveting my ass off.
I feel like an idiot, okay? Well, at least you hugged your wife.
Oh, wait.
You didn't.
Well, at least you didn't wear a silly hat.
- Oh, wait.
- All right! I get it, okay? I am agreeing with you.
I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over some stupid award.
"Stupid award"? Didn't seem so stupid to you when you were doing the George Jefferson up to the stage last night.
Fair enough, huh? But compared to the things that really matter in life, it's a little, meaningless hunk of metal.
You know what, Chip? If you'd won this award last night, which isn't heavy at all, by the way I wouldn't call it meaningless.
We were going to lunch to celebrate, but seeing how it's just some stupid award, maybe you shouldn't be there.
Oh, come on, man.
That's all right, Chip.
At least you didn't cry during your speech.
- Oh, wait.
- All right! (SIGHS) Anyway, my attempt to not covet was a huge disaster.
It's so weird it didn't work, Chip, because, you know, there are so many instances in the Bible where someone puts on a hat and it stops them from sinning.
Look, Vince is on his way here, and he's way more likely to accept my apology with you guys here to help, okay? It will definitely be less awkward.
Wait, you want it to be less awkward, and you're asking me for help? Look at how I'm sitting.
Couples counseling is a big part of what we do, Chip.
Generally, it's a man and his wife Oh, well, I may need your help there, too.
Leslie is ticked at me for not mentioning her in my speech.
Also, I recently ate all of her yogurt, and then I went and bought her chocolate to apologize, and I ate those as well.
Hey, Vince.
So, what's up? No-thang.
Man, this is awkward.
I'm sweating I'm gonna have to wring out my yarmulke.
Vince, please, have a seat.
Chip, was there something that you wanted to say to Vince? (LOUDLY): Try a full sentence.
Okay, Vince I'm sorry, man.
We need a little more, Chip.
I-I'm sorry I made him feel bad about his award? Tell him.
Look, man, I was just trying to convince myself that I didn't really want to win it, all right? And then I ended up insulting you in the process.
I was coveting, again.
And I'm sorry.
Now you go, Vince.
But winning this award was big for me.
It would have been nice to have my friend on board.
There it is.
Also, you think you don't have things in your life that I covet? You got a wife, a baby on the way, this new column that's blowing up.
You been Meadows golden boy for the last few months.
Right now everything in your life is great, except for not winning this one award.
You covet my life? Chip, don't covet that he covets your life.
(SIGHS) Of course I covet your life.
- Everything except for your hair.
- What? Not that it doesn't look great, it would just look ridiculous on me.
Come on.
You'd look awesome with anybody's hair.
All right, let's get back on track here, guys.
Oh, does discussing hair upset you, Gene? You know, it's funny, cause to me, your life seems pretty bitchin'.
I mean, everybody thinks you're super cool and out every night having fun.
I mean, you go on so many dates, you almost broke your finger.
(CHUCKLES) No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's a, it's a, it's a-a-a Tinder thing.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Tinder, yeah.
(SIGHS) So, see, the solution to coveting is to focus on appreciating the things that we do have in our lives, not the things that we don't.
Like, for example, our friends, huh? You guys ain't half bad at this.
Don't love how surprised you sound, but thank you.
Hey, just so you know, your friendship is always gonna be way more important to me than some stupid award.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Super cool award.
All right? The best journalist won.
- Thanks.
- All right.
You know, we'd make a lot more money as therapists.
We'd make a lot more money doing anything.
And so, in conclusion, I would once again like to thank my beautiful wife Leslie for her undying love and support, even as her husband makes a complete fool of himself at every turn.
I'd also like to thank nobody else.
Because nobody is as amazing as my wife.
How was that? Oh, no, I didn't hear the music to play you off.
Keep going.
(LAUGHS): I'm just kidding.
You coming to the after-party? After-party? Yeah.
Um, I was chatting up that sex columnist at the awards ceremony, and she gave me some pointers.
You might want to, um stretch first.
"New York Nooky", baby!